Modern Family s09e13 Episode Script
In Your Head
- Good morning, gentlemen.
- Hi.
Max, how'd you sleep? Oh, I love crashing here! This is just like college staying up too late, passing out on the couch, mean Asian chick down the hall.
Yeah.
[CHUCKLES.]
Where is Lily? I don't know.
S-School, maybe? - I'm right here.
- Oh.
We met Max in Amsterdam on what we thought was a tour of pottery cafes, so I don't remember much about it, but I do remember thinking he was the funniest person I've ever met.
And we told him if he ever came into town, that he had to stay with us.
And I-I-I'm so glad he said yes because I remember being really, uh, paranoid that he didn't like me.
You two, get out of here.
I'm gonna whip us up some breakfast.
Oh! Oof.
Whoo! My head feels like the Hindenburg.
- [LAUGHTER.]
- Oh, come on! [WHISPERING.]
I feel like he was funnier in Europe.
- Yeah.
- [GASPS.]
Mitchell! Look! Our crazy-expensive bottle of wine? I uh, we were saving this for the perfect occasion.
Okay, well, he must've drank it after we went to bed.
Who does that? Just drinks somebody's most expensive bottle of wine without asking? - Okay, it's a hate crime.
- How is it a hate crime? Because I hate him.
[SIGHS.]
I ca I can't believe it's almost gone.
Look, you know, I've only ever considered opening that twice once early on election night and then when we thought "La La Land" won Best Picture.
- I know.
It's been a rough year.
- MAX: Breakfast! No, no.
Is that our caviar? Yeah! Lucky I found it.
It was hiding in the back of the fridge.
For a special occasion.
- Something wrong? - Yeah yeah.
Uh, first you open up our $400 bottle of wine, now it's our $200 tin of caviar.
- We were saving those.
- For what? A celebration, like What about when "Moonlight" won the Oscar? Okay, it was a big moment for the community, yes Okay, you know what? Look.
I'm gonna go, okay? But, guys, don't defer enjoyment, 'cause you never know when you're gonna bite it.
I say, make every night special.
Okay, well, that's a that's a fun philosophy, but not everyone can follow that, okay? 'Cause 'Cause we have responsibilities.
We have We have budgets.
We have a daughter, you know.
Where is our daughter? - I don't know.
Backyard, maybe? - Maybe.
Earl Chambers, my former business partner-turned dumbass nemesis, bought the old horizontal wardrobe.
For you closet non-pros, that means he died.
Then last week, I received this urn and this note.
"You know what to do with my ashes.
Follow the path.
" What the hell does that mean? You think you can drive me nuts, but you can't.
He can't actually hear you unless you open the lid.
I still can't figure out the meaning of "Follow the path!" I'm gonna need you to call Shirl and find out why her father's been torturing me.
- You call her! - That's not an option.
She's a greasy slimebucket, just like her father, and for some reason, she doesn't like me.
Hmm I'll see what I can do.
Oh Hey, Manny! What's up? I'm not here! Everything's fine! - Super-dupes.
- Okay, I'll I'll I'll talk.
Luke and I went to a sketchy neighborhood for tacos last night, and he disappeared, and I haven't seen him since.
What? Where did you see him last? He went off with this girl.
- With a girl? - Yeah.
[LAUGHS.]
Manny.
Let me tell you a little something about Dunphy men.
When we come into contact with a lady, we leave her with a burning sensation.
Let me try that again.
Um when a Dunphy man sees a sexy skirt, he's just gotta get in it.
- No! - I get the point.
Look, I'm just glad you came to me I didn't.
You caught me here.
'cause I don't want Claire freaking out about this.
Luke's phone is going straight to voicemail.
Someone's got a sock on the digital doorknob.
I really think you should be a little worried about this.
Worried?! Let me tell you something about Dunphy men.
Phil, this was a pretty rough neighborhood.
Tell you what, if it makes you feel better, we'll go down there and look around for him.
We're gonna need backup serious backup.
[TRAFFIC PASSING BY.]
Okay, be cool.
I used to live in this neighborhood.
If you act tough, nobody will mess with you.
MAN: Hey! Would you like to try a cruelty-free alkaline-water snow cone? - What? - Free sample.
You can get a larger one down at our stand.
We also refurbish tubas.
No, thank you.
What happened to my neighborhood? Have the best day.
White people with beards they ruined everything.
Why would you even say that this place was dangerous? It was a lot scarier at dark.
There was jazz.
Luke's still not answering.
We're gonna find him, Phil.
Oh, I-I'm not worried.
I've been there.
Meet a girl, you lose track of place and time, not just 'cause your compass watch is missing, and suddenly her cousin Rodney has the exact same watch but swears it was always his.
Oh, look! Mario's Bodyshop.
At least one thing is still the same.
There's nothing that happens in this street that Mario doesn't know about.
Let's go over there.
So, red lights are flashing, alarms are blaring.
We're about 10 seconds from a meltdown so hot it's gonna turn Belgium into a pool of hot chocolate.
And I suddenly realize, they haven't properly accounted for the relativistic distort Hey, what's this building's number? - I'm trying to Postmates a smoothie.
- Shh! I quickly do a few multi-dimensional tensor calculations in my head, I push this crying guard to one side and adjust the synchrotron.
I look up at the countdown clock.
5 4 [CELLPHONE RINGS.]
You, with the phone! - What's your name? - Alex Dunphy.
Ms.
Dunphy, is my story of saving the world whilst accidently creating three new elements boring you? Uh, no.
No, no, no, no, no.
I'm so sorry, Professor.
Nothing you could say would ever bore me.
I revere you.
I actually went as you last year for Halloween.
Okay, it's my phone.
Don't blame my sister.
Hey, Chelsea.
Gonna have to call you back.
- [GASPS.]
Shut up! Shut up! - Shut up! Excuse me, Chelsea's friend.
Y-You don't look like one of my students.
Oh, thank you! That is so sweet.
No.
Why are you here? Oh, I have a really big job interview today, and I need someone to look over what I wrote for my Yeah, we're going.
I'm taking her out.
I am so sorry.
What? He asked.
You're being rude.
Ohh! Ooh.
[LAUGHS.]
- Very revealing.
- Get out.
Claire, I'm so glad you called.
How come we've never done this before? Because we were born into a feud.
Hatfields and McCoys, the Sharks and Jets, the the closet lunatic and the closet idiot.
By the way, I'm really sorry about your dad.
Thanks.
Do you have any idea why he had his ashes sent to my dad? - Probably to drive him bonkers.
- Well, it's working.
That would've made him happy.
Let's make a pact to never be like them.
- I am in.
- Mm-hmm.
We are two women in a male-dominated industry.
We should help each other.
Actually, do you have any sources for antique pineapple knobs? We're doing this whole colonial line Ooh, I bet you Lazlo would know.
He's our lead designer.
Everybody knows who Lazlo is.
He's a legend.
Yeah, and my only employee worth a damn.
Robot workers.
Now, that's the future.
Right! They work 24/7, and you don't have to buy them a birthday cake.
Yeah, and as they become more human, you can be like, "Hey, you, come into my office", - and then you just go to town on them.
- Yeah.
[GASPS.]
What the hell? What happened to the bodyshop? Oh, we just kept the sign.
Oh, uh, so so no M-Mario? Mnh-mnh.
We're an artist collective.
Jillian works in yarn, Mumford sculpts with Lego, Duncan is a painter.
May I write you a poem? - Are you kidding me? - I told you it was a career.
Um, any chance that you have, uh, seen my son? No, I'm sorry.
Oh, okay.
He He was around here last night.
He apparently wentoff with a girl from this neighborhood.
We just haven't been able to reach him since.
- Do you know the girl's name? - No.
Uh, something Latin-y.
What happened to you? You used to be Latin-y.
- Can you describe her? - Brown hair, high cheekbones What is he gonna do, build her out of Legos? - Huh, that is surprisingly effective.
- [GASPS.]
Wait a minute.
I know that girl.
I think she works at a cupcake shop.
Great.
Where is it? Well, I'm not sure which one because we have four.
There's Cupcakes! with an exclamation point, there's vegan cupcakes at Cupfakes, there's Pupcakes, which sells cupcakes for dogs, and then there's Rick's VCR Repair.
Oh, they make the best cupcakes.
Stupid Max, forcing us to eat our caviar on a regular Friday morning.
I can't even enjoy the symphony of flavors, or the or the way that it melts in my mouth.
Why don't you just wash it down with whatever wine's left.
Yeah, why don't I.
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
Mmm, and, of course, you know what? It pairs perfectly.
I-I cannot believe I'm having one of the best meals of my life and we're not even celebrating anything.
Yeah, thanks, Max! - Thank you, Max.
- Thank you, Max.
[SCOFFS.]
Mmm Cam, is it is it is it possible that we're actually enjoying ourselves and and that Max was right? Maybe we do defer enjoyment.
All those unspent frequent flyer miles, the boots that I have waited so long to wear that they're no longer in style, the the the surfboards that we've never used because it just "had to be the perfect beach day".
[SIGHS.]
What are you doing? - Mitchell - I'm lighting it.
- No! - I'm lighting it! No, that is our monogrammed wedding candle, and we're supposed to save it.
For what, Cam? - I don't know! - You don't know.
- I don't.
- You don't know.
Ohh look at it.
[SNIFFING.]
Smells like eternal love.
- Awwoh.
- O-kay.
[FOOTSTEPS.]
Why are you always in my office? - I do my best work in here.
- [SIGHS.]
I've been trying to get into his head.
I even brought his favorite lunch shrimp cocktail and bourbon.
Or that's just what you have for lunch every day.
That's another thing Earl stole from me! - [SIGHS.]
- What did you find out? First of all, Shirl doesn't know anything about the ashes.
And second, we're not gonna be a part of your little feud anymore.
- We're gonna be friends.
- She's playing you! - No - Let me ask you a question.
Did you tell her we're bidding on Belmont Gardens? No.
Why? Because 15 minutes ago, I got a phone call saying just out of the blue, Closets Closets Closets Closets is bidding against us.
Did she see your proposal? Yes, Dad! I'm quite sure she rifled through my bag when I was in the bathroom.
You went to the bathroom? Why don't you just give her the company?! Oh, God.
- Bingo! Ketchup! - What does that prove? - Did she have ketchup for lunch? - She had French fries.
There's your smoking gun.
Margaret? I'm gonna need fries and ketchup to get in Shirl's head.
No! No, Shirl wouldn't have done this.
Um, bad news.
Uh, we finally tracked down those pineapple knobs, but they were all just bought up by Closets - No.
- Closets - No, Margaret! - Closets Closets.
[SIGHS.]
Shirl screwed me.
You know what you have to do? You've got to hit her where it hurts.
- What does she value most? - Lazlo.
I don't think you understand how humiliating that was for me.
There are parts of me that will never uncringe.
Oh, my God! So I interrupted some boring story.
Dr.
Arvin Fennerman is a two-time Vanderkoff Grant winner one for philosophy and one for geometry.
You can't put him into a box because Could you please just read my sample? This job is important to me.
This is my one shot at a real career.
Fine, I'll read it.
And "real career"? I've seen this NERP business.
Nicole Rosemary Page seems bonkers.
Didn't she get in trouble for cannibalism? No.
Turns out there are no laws against eating your own appendix, and it does help with fine lines.
But she's a success story.
Child star, Bond girl, indie darling before she lost all her money to a Fonzie scheme.
- Don't you mean Ponzi scheme? - Sadly, no.
So, out of desperation, she invented NERP, and next thing you know boom! Empire.
I just want to be a part of something great.
Well, if I'm being honest, your writing sample's actually pretty good.
Really?! Thank you.
Oh, my God.
It's Dr.
Fennerman.
Don't think, don't breathe, keep your head down.
O-kay.
Hello.
Sorry! Hello, Doctor.
- Would you like down sit? - What? Kind, that's very you of, Alex.
Um tell me again, why were you in my class? I have a very big interview with Nicole Rosemary Page, and she was just Ugh! You know she's a snake oil salesman, right? Yes, I know.
People complain about the diarrhea all the time, but that is the point.
Her science is utter nonsense.
I mean, space stickers that give you energy, and crystals that absorb Wi-Fi, and seriously $1,200 socks? Those sheep eat nothing but sushi.
- Are we done here? - Surprisingly, not.
This might sound crazy, but - I'm going to marry you.
- What?! I'm sorry, first time talking to a real girl? No, l-l-listen.
I-I-I don't get it.
Uh, frankly, it boggles the mind, but I've been running dozens of probability scenarios in my head since we met, and and they all end with us [INHALES.]
together.
I have heard some lame pickup lines in my day, but Oh, I have plenty of those.
Um, are you a neuro-electrical current because you've been running through my mind all day? But th-th-that's not what this is.
This is going to happen, Haley Dunphy.
- Ew, how do you know my name? - I know everything.
Also, your pass has your name written on it.
I think I'm gonna pass out.
Right, I've just air-dropped my contact info to your phone.
Um, you just tap to accept it.
Uh, yeah, not gonna tap that.
I think you will.
Haley, there are forces in the universe that we don't understand measurable forces that can't be explained, but cannot be denied and that's that's what this is.
I don't get it, but I know that it's real.
Wow! [LAUGHING.]
That was so dumb! What? No, it wasn't.
You're You're dumb.
That's gonna stick.
I'm I'm in your head.
- Okay.
- You'll see.
Sure, buddy.
Now try and walk away cool.
- Oh, I will.
- Okay.
We were standing right here making out.
All of a sudden, he said, "I'll be right back", and that was the last I saw of him.
You guys, my break is over, but I hope you find him.
Thank you for your help, and the cupcakes are delicious, by the way.
- Those are for dogs.
- Oh, no.
Ay, Phil, are you okay? Yeah, yeah.
I'm sure there's a perfectly reasonable explanation why Luke would abandon a make-out session.
No, there isn't.
A Dunphy man would never do that.
We walk away from fights, we walk away from spiders, but never a super-cute girl who smells like frosting! You have to stay positive.
Nothing bad ever happens this close to a Pottery Barn.
I've been putting on a brave face to squash the darkness inside of me, but what if the worst has happened? How will I tell Claire? I won't.
I'll have to smother her with a pillow to spare her the pain, but then Jay will have lost a daughter.
I'll have to smother him, too.
That's two pillows from the same set.
It's a pattern.
- The police are after me! - Get ahold of yourself! - Ay! - Ow! What the hell? It wasn't me.
Look, I'm still cocked! It was a shoe.
Wait, that's that's Luke's.
LUKE: [HOARSELY.]
Hey! Luke! You're okay! I got stuck on the roof.
[LAUGHING.]
I'm so relieved! I don't have to kill your mother! Turns out, Luke had to go to the bathroom.
Someone told him it was upstairs, so he walked all the way up to the roof and locked himself out.
His phone was dead, and he he lost his voice trying to scream over the street musicians.
I was so relieved, I ran up there and gave him a big kiss.
PHIL: Gloria! Hi.
We're stuck.
Could you pop on up and open the door? [SIGHS.]
Dunphy men.
Hello, Lazlo.
- It's pronounced "Lazlo".
- That's what I said.
Thank you so much for meeting with us.
Have you had a chance to consider our offer to join Pritchett's Closets? I'm intrigued, but I have a list of demands.
Ah, yes, of course.
We have, uh [CLEARS THROAT.]
uh, "Two turquoise bowls of white Chiclets, an empty office with a drain in the floor" - What's a "scream room"? - I think that's self-explanatory.
- Hmm.
- SHIRL: Pritchett! Girl Earl! You're actually trying to poach Lazlo from me? I thought we were friends.
We were, and then you bought all my pineapple knobs.
- As a gift! - What? - I had them sent to you.
- You did? Don't listen to her.
This is all part of some sick plan.
Stealing Claire's proposals, Earl's urn to get in my head.
But your little games are not gonna work.
Yeah.
Yeah, how do you explain the red ketchup stains on my proposal, French Fries? I never use ketchup.
I like my fries the way I like my Lazlo undressed.
[VOICE BREAKING.]
Twiddle-Dee.
You guys have a really complicated relationship.
And what's that red stain? Shrimp cocktail sauce, uh-oh.
Dad! - Shirl - Save it.
We could have been friends.
Well, forget it.
Game on.
Shirl What is she up to? No, no.
Your crazy conspiracy theories just cost me a friend.
I thought I'd finally found an an ally in this industry, somebody to to climb the hill with.
Up the hill! Oh, my God! That's it! No, no, you do not get to have an epiphany right now! I am furious at you! The answer isyes.
[MELODRAMATICALLY.]
People say that NERP is nothing more than a con job, a cash-grab vanity project from a kooky actress.
Ugh.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Was that a question? - No.
- Oh, okay.
But is it true? - They don't tell me things.
- Who's "they"? See, I don't see NERP as, like, a business.
- It's more, like, a kind of - Like a way of life! Me too! Walt Disney once envisioned a magical world and people told him he was mad.
They called it "Walt's Folly.
" - But you know what that place became? - Disneyland.
- That was not a question.
- Oh, I I'm sorry.
[WHIMPERING.]
[EXHALES.]
That place is Disneyland.
What?! That's crazy.
Didn't see it coming.
I want to turn NERP into the next Disney-Facebook-Tesla-Botox.
It's a world changer.
It's a road map to the future.
- That was a question! - Ohuhuh Alright, listen.
I really liked your writing sample, it's true.
But [SIGHS.]
we have a lot of candidates with more experience and famous-er parents, so fly away, little birdie.
Flap.
Flap, flap.
Okay, thank you.
Nicole? You and me this is gonna happen.
Excuse me? There are forces in the universe that we don't understand.
They can't be explained, but they cannot be denied, and that is what this is.
I don't I don't get it, but I know that it's real.
Oh, my God! That is just what I said to all of those haters who told me that my crystal energy stickers did not improve your colon health.
- Uh! - Crazy.
- They do if you, you know - Yeah.
So, um, does that mean that I will see you Monday morning? Let's make it Tuesday 'cause I like to spend Mondays in a flotation tank.
JAY: As young men, we'd hike this path up to an old oak tree, where we'd brainstorm how to conquer the closet universe.
We foolishly thought that we knew everything back then.
But hopefully, I've learned a few things through the years.
Like, live today as if there's no tomorrow that it's not too late to right past wrongs, and when things are looking down, look up or take chances you never imagined you would.
"You stupid softy, I knew you'd do it.
Did you try to do something special? Was it at sunset? It was at sunset, wasn't it? Sucker.
I win.
See you in hell.
" I look forward to that.
[GRUNTS.]
- Whoo! - Whoo! - Whoo! - Ohh, this is amazing! I know! We should have done this years ago.
Whoa.
I'm a little cold.
Are you a little cold? Yeah, the parts of me that I can still feel sure are.
Oh, look at those suckers on their way home from work.
- Enjoy the rat race! - [BOTH LAUGH.]
- Don't forget to pay your taxes! - Yeah! [LAUGHS.]
Hey, did you see the story about that, um, dinosaur fish? It said it had the head of a head of a snake or something.
- Yeah, 16 rows of teeth, uh-huh.
- Yeah.
Hey, do you think that we look like seals from underneath? - Mitchell, w-what are we doing? - What are we [LAUGHS.]
We're living our lives, is what we're doing.
Yeah, but I, uh, I'm just asking, but was imagining it more fun? Well, it was warmer.
You know, I like looking forward to things.
Carly Simon's big hit was "Anticipation", not "Remember That Cool Thing We Did".
Hey, I have an idea.
L-Let's go back, we'll buy a bottle of wine that we'll never open and a candle that we'll never light, - call it a day, huh? - That sounds wonderful.
- Okay, but stop touching my feet.
- I didn't touch you.
- I didn't touch you.
- You didn't - Dinosaur fish! Dinosaur fish! - Dinosaur fish! Dinosaur fish! [SHRIEKING.]
Mitchell! Mitchell, do not leave me alone!
- Hi.
Max, how'd you sleep? Oh, I love crashing here! This is just like college staying up too late, passing out on the couch, mean Asian chick down the hall.
Yeah.
[CHUCKLES.]
Where is Lily? I don't know.
S-School, maybe? - I'm right here.
- Oh.
We met Max in Amsterdam on what we thought was a tour of pottery cafes, so I don't remember much about it, but I do remember thinking he was the funniest person I've ever met.
And we told him if he ever came into town, that he had to stay with us.
And I-I-I'm so glad he said yes because I remember being really, uh, paranoid that he didn't like me.
You two, get out of here.
I'm gonna whip us up some breakfast.
Oh! Oof.
Whoo! My head feels like the Hindenburg.
- [LAUGHTER.]
- Oh, come on! [WHISPERING.]
I feel like he was funnier in Europe.
- Yeah.
- [GASPS.]
Mitchell! Look! Our crazy-expensive bottle of wine? I uh, we were saving this for the perfect occasion.
Okay, well, he must've drank it after we went to bed.
Who does that? Just drinks somebody's most expensive bottle of wine without asking? - Okay, it's a hate crime.
- How is it a hate crime? Because I hate him.
[SIGHS.]
I ca I can't believe it's almost gone.
Look, you know, I've only ever considered opening that twice once early on election night and then when we thought "La La Land" won Best Picture.
- I know.
It's been a rough year.
- MAX: Breakfast! No, no.
Is that our caviar? Yeah! Lucky I found it.
It was hiding in the back of the fridge.
For a special occasion.
- Something wrong? - Yeah yeah.
Uh, first you open up our $400 bottle of wine, now it's our $200 tin of caviar.
- We were saving those.
- For what? A celebration, like What about when "Moonlight" won the Oscar? Okay, it was a big moment for the community, yes Okay, you know what? Look.
I'm gonna go, okay? But, guys, don't defer enjoyment, 'cause you never know when you're gonna bite it.
I say, make every night special.
Okay, well, that's a that's a fun philosophy, but not everyone can follow that, okay? 'Cause 'Cause we have responsibilities.
We have We have budgets.
We have a daughter, you know.
Where is our daughter? - I don't know.
Backyard, maybe? - Maybe.
Earl Chambers, my former business partner-turned dumbass nemesis, bought the old horizontal wardrobe.
For you closet non-pros, that means he died.
Then last week, I received this urn and this note.
"You know what to do with my ashes.
Follow the path.
" What the hell does that mean? You think you can drive me nuts, but you can't.
He can't actually hear you unless you open the lid.
I still can't figure out the meaning of "Follow the path!" I'm gonna need you to call Shirl and find out why her father's been torturing me.
- You call her! - That's not an option.
She's a greasy slimebucket, just like her father, and for some reason, she doesn't like me.
Hmm I'll see what I can do.
Oh Hey, Manny! What's up? I'm not here! Everything's fine! - Super-dupes.
- Okay, I'll I'll I'll talk.
Luke and I went to a sketchy neighborhood for tacos last night, and he disappeared, and I haven't seen him since.
What? Where did you see him last? He went off with this girl.
- With a girl? - Yeah.
[LAUGHS.]
Manny.
Let me tell you a little something about Dunphy men.
When we come into contact with a lady, we leave her with a burning sensation.
Let me try that again.
Um when a Dunphy man sees a sexy skirt, he's just gotta get in it.
- No! - I get the point.
Look, I'm just glad you came to me I didn't.
You caught me here.
'cause I don't want Claire freaking out about this.
Luke's phone is going straight to voicemail.
Someone's got a sock on the digital doorknob.
I really think you should be a little worried about this.
Worried?! Let me tell you something about Dunphy men.
Phil, this was a pretty rough neighborhood.
Tell you what, if it makes you feel better, we'll go down there and look around for him.
We're gonna need backup serious backup.
[TRAFFIC PASSING BY.]
Okay, be cool.
I used to live in this neighborhood.
If you act tough, nobody will mess with you.
MAN: Hey! Would you like to try a cruelty-free alkaline-water snow cone? - What? - Free sample.
You can get a larger one down at our stand.
We also refurbish tubas.
No, thank you.
What happened to my neighborhood? Have the best day.
White people with beards they ruined everything.
Why would you even say that this place was dangerous? It was a lot scarier at dark.
There was jazz.
Luke's still not answering.
We're gonna find him, Phil.
Oh, I-I'm not worried.
I've been there.
Meet a girl, you lose track of place and time, not just 'cause your compass watch is missing, and suddenly her cousin Rodney has the exact same watch but swears it was always his.
Oh, look! Mario's Bodyshop.
At least one thing is still the same.
There's nothing that happens in this street that Mario doesn't know about.
Let's go over there.
So, red lights are flashing, alarms are blaring.
We're about 10 seconds from a meltdown so hot it's gonna turn Belgium into a pool of hot chocolate.
And I suddenly realize, they haven't properly accounted for the relativistic distort Hey, what's this building's number? - I'm trying to Postmates a smoothie.
- Shh! I quickly do a few multi-dimensional tensor calculations in my head, I push this crying guard to one side and adjust the synchrotron.
I look up at the countdown clock.
5 4 [CELLPHONE RINGS.]
You, with the phone! - What's your name? - Alex Dunphy.
Ms.
Dunphy, is my story of saving the world whilst accidently creating three new elements boring you? Uh, no.
No, no, no, no, no.
I'm so sorry, Professor.
Nothing you could say would ever bore me.
I revere you.
I actually went as you last year for Halloween.
Okay, it's my phone.
Don't blame my sister.
Hey, Chelsea.
Gonna have to call you back.
- [GASPS.]
Shut up! Shut up! - Shut up! Excuse me, Chelsea's friend.
Y-You don't look like one of my students.
Oh, thank you! That is so sweet.
No.
Why are you here? Oh, I have a really big job interview today, and I need someone to look over what I wrote for my Yeah, we're going.
I'm taking her out.
I am so sorry.
What? He asked.
You're being rude.
Ohh! Ooh.
[LAUGHS.]
- Very revealing.
- Get out.
Claire, I'm so glad you called.
How come we've never done this before? Because we were born into a feud.
Hatfields and McCoys, the Sharks and Jets, the the closet lunatic and the closet idiot.
By the way, I'm really sorry about your dad.
Thanks.
Do you have any idea why he had his ashes sent to my dad? - Probably to drive him bonkers.
- Well, it's working.
That would've made him happy.
Let's make a pact to never be like them.
- I am in.
- Mm-hmm.
We are two women in a male-dominated industry.
We should help each other.
Actually, do you have any sources for antique pineapple knobs? We're doing this whole colonial line Ooh, I bet you Lazlo would know.
He's our lead designer.
Everybody knows who Lazlo is.
He's a legend.
Yeah, and my only employee worth a damn.
Robot workers.
Now, that's the future.
Right! They work 24/7, and you don't have to buy them a birthday cake.
Yeah, and as they become more human, you can be like, "Hey, you, come into my office", - and then you just go to town on them.
- Yeah.
[GASPS.]
What the hell? What happened to the bodyshop? Oh, we just kept the sign.
Oh, uh, so so no M-Mario? Mnh-mnh.
We're an artist collective.
Jillian works in yarn, Mumford sculpts with Lego, Duncan is a painter.
May I write you a poem? - Are you kidding me? - I told you it was a career.
Um, any chance that you have, uh, seen my son? No, I'm sorry.
Oh, okay.
He He was around here last night.
He apparently wentoff with a girl from this neighborhood.
We just haven't been able to reach him since.
- Do you know the girl's name? - No.
Uh, something Latin-y.
What happened to you? You used to be Latin-y.
- Can you describe her? - Brown hair, high cheekbones What is he gonna do, build her out of Legos? - Huh, that is surprisingly effective.
- [GASPS.]
Wait a minute.
I know that girl.
I think she works at a cupcake shop.
Great.
Where is it? Well, I'm not sure which one because we have four.
There's Cupcakes! with an exclamation point, there's vegan cupcakes at Cupfakes, there's Pupcakes, which sells cupcakes for dogs, and then there's Rick's VCR Repair.
Oh, they make the best cupcakes.
Stupid Max, forcing us to eat our caviar on a regular Friday morning.
I can't even enjoy the symphony of flavors, or the or the way that it melts in my mouth.
Why don't you just wash it down with whatever wine's left.
Yeah, why don't I.
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
Mmm, and, of course, you know what? It pairs perfectly.
I-I cannot believe I'm having one of the best meals of my life and we're not even celebrating anything.
Yeah, thanks, Max! - Thank you, Max.
- Thank you, Max.
[SCOFFS.]
Mmm Cam, is it is it is it possible that we're actually enjoying ourselves and and that Max was right? Maybe we do defer enjoyment.
All those unspent frequent flyer miles, the boots that I have waited so long to wear that they're no longer in style, the the the surfboards that we've never used because it just "had to be the perfect beach day".
[SIGHS.]
What are you doing? - Mitchell - I'm lighting it.
- No! - I'm lighting it! No, that is our monogrammed wedding candle, and we're supposed to save it.
For what, Cam? - I don't know! - You don't know.
- I don't.
- You don't know.
Ohh look at it.
[SNIFFING.]
Smells like eternal love.
- Awwoh.
- O-kay.
[FOOTSTEPS.]
Why are you always in my office? - I do my best work in here.
- [SIGHS.]
I've been trying to get into his head.
I even brought his favorite lunch shrimp cocktail and bourbon.
Or that's just what you have for lunch every day.
That's another thing Earl stole from me! - [SIGHS.]
- What did you find out? First of all, Shirl doesn't know anything about the ashes.
And second, we're not gonna be a part of your little feud anymore.
- We're gonna be friends.
- She's playing you! - No - Let me ask you a question.
Did you tell her we're bidding on Belmont Gardens? No.
Why? Because 15 minutes ago, I got a phone call saying just out of the blue, Closets Closets Closets Closets is bidding against us.
Did she see your proposal? Yes, Dad! I'm quite sure she rifled through my bag when I was in the bathroom.
You went to the bathroom? Why don't you just give her the company?! Oh, God.
- Bingo! Ketchup! - What does that prove? - Did she have ketchup for lunch? - She had French fries.
There's your smoking gun.
Margaret? I'm gonna need fries and ketchup to get in Shirl's head.
No! No, Shirl wouldn't have done this.
Um, bad news.
Uh, we finally tracked down those pineapple knobs, but they were all just bought up by Closets - No.
- Closets - No, Margaret! - Closets Closets.
[SIGHS.]
Shirl screwed me.
You know what you have to do? You've got to hit her where it hurts.
- What does she value most? - Lazlo.
I don't think you understand how humiliating that was for me.
There are parts of me that will never uncringe.
Oh, my God! So I interrupted some boring story.
Dr.
Arvin Fennerman is a two-time Vanderkoff Grant winner one for philosophy and one for geometry.
You can't put him into a box because Could you please just read my sample? This job is important to me.
This is my one shot at a real career.
Fine, I'll read it.
And "real career"? I've seen this NERP business.
Nicole Rosemary Page seems bonkers.
Didn't she get in trouble for cannibalism? No.
Turns out there are no laws against eating your own appendix, and it does help with fine lines.
But she's a success story.
Child star, Bond girl, indie darling before she lost all her money to a Fonzie scheme.
- Don't you mean Ponzi scheme? - Sadly, no.
So, out of desperation, she invented NERP, and next thing you know boom! Empire.
I just want to be a part of something great.
Well, if I'm being honest, your writing sample's actually pretty good.
Really?! Thank you.
Oh, my God.
It's Dr.
Fennerman.
Don't think, don't breathe, keep your head down.
O-kay.
Hello.
Sorry! Hello, Doctor.
- Would you like down sit? - What? Kind, that's very you of, Alex.
Um tell me again, why were you in my class? I have a very big interview with Nicole Rosemary Page, and she was just Ugh! You know she's a snake oil salesman, right? Yes, I know.
People complain about the diarrhea all the time, but that is the point.
Her science is utter nonsense.
I mean, space stickers that give you energy, and crystals that absorb Wi-Fi, and seriously $1,200 socks? Those sheep eat nothing but sushi.
- Are we done here? - Surprisingly, not.
This might sound crazy, but - I'm going to marry you.
- What?! I'm sorry, first time talking to a real girl? No, l-l-listen.
I-I-I don't get it.
Uh, frankly, it boggles the mind, but I've been running dozens of probability scenarios in my head since we met, and and they all end with us [INHALES.]
together.
I have heard some lame pickup lines in my day, but Oh, I have plenty of those.
Um, are you a neuro-electrical current because you've been running through my mind all day? But th-th-that's not what this is.
This is going to happen, Haley Dunphy.
- Ew, how do you know my name? - I know everything.
Also, your pass has your name written on it.
I think I'm gonna pass out.
Right, I've just air-dropped my contact info to your phone.
Um, you just tap to accept it.
Uh, yeah, not gonna tap that.
I think you will.
Haley, there are forces in the universe that we don't understand measurable forces that can't be explained, but cannot be denied and that's that's what this is.
I don't get it, but I know that it's real.
Wow! [LAUGHING.]
That was so dumb! What? No, it wasn't.
You're You're dumb.
That's gonna stick.
I'm I'm in your head.
- Okay.
- You'll see.
Sure, buddy.
Now try and walk away cool.
- Oh, I will.
- Okay.
We were standing right here making out.
All of a sudden, he said, "I'll be right back", and that was the last I saw of him.
You guys, my break is over, but I hope you find him.
Thank you for your help, and the cupcakes are delicious, by the way.
- Those are for dogs.
- Oh, no.
Ay, Phil, are you okay? Yeah, yeah.
I'm sure there's a perfectly reasonable explanation why Luke would abandon a make-out session.
No, there isn't.
A Dunphy man would never do that.
We walk away from fights, we walk away from spiders, but never a super-cute girl who smells like frosting! You have to stay positive.
Nothing bad ever happens this close to a Pottery Barn.
I've been putting on a brave face to squash the darkness inside of me, but what if the worst has happened? How will I tell Claire? I won't.
I'll have to smother her with a pillow to spare her the pain, but then Jay will have lost a daughter.
I'll have to smother him, too.
That's two pillows from the same set.
It's a pattern.
- The police are after me! - Get ahold of yourself! - Ay! - Ow! What the hell? It wasn't me.
Look, I'm still cocked! It was a shoe.
Wait, that's that's Luke's.
LUKE: [HOARSELY.]
Hey! Luke! You're okay! I got stuck on the roof.
[LAUGHING.]
I'm so relieved! I don't have to kill your mother! Turns out, Luke had to go to the bathroom.
Someone told him it was upstairs, so he walked all the way up to the roof and locked himself out.
His phone was dead, and he he lost his voice trying to scream over the street musicians.
I was so relieved, I ran up there and gave him a big kiss.
PHIL: Gloria! Hi.
We're stuck.
Could you pop on up and open the door? [SIGHS.]
Dunphy men.
Hello, Lazlo.
- It's pronounced "Lazlo".
- That's what I said.
Thank you so much for meeting with us.
Have you had a chance to consider our offer to join Pritchett's Closets? I'm intrigued, but I have a list of demands.
Ah, yes, of course.
We have, uh [CLEARS THROAT.]
uh, "Two turquoise bowls of white Chiclets, an empty office with a drain in the floor" - What's a "scream room"? - I think that's self-explanatory.
- Hmm.
- SHIRL: Pritchett! Girl Earl! You're actually trying to poach Lazlo from me? I thought we were friends.
We were, and then you bought all my pineapple knobs.
- As a gift! - What? - I had them sent to you.
- You did? Don't listen to her.
This is all part of some sick plan.
Stealing Claire's proposals, Earl's urn to get in my head.
But your little games are not gonna work.
Yeah.
Yeah, how do you explain the red ketchup stains on my proposal, French Fries? I never use ketchup.
I like my fries the way I like my Lazlo undressed.
[VOICE BREAKING.]
Twiddle-Dee.
You guys have a really complicated relationship.
And what's that red stain? Shrimp cocktail sauce, uh-oh.
Dad! - Shirl - Save it.
We could have been friends.
Well, forget it.
Game on.
Shirl What is she up to? No, no.
Your crazy conspiracy theories just cost me a friend.
I thought I'd finally found an an ally in this industry, somebody to to climb the hill with.
Up the hill! Oh, my God! That's it! No, no, you do not get to have an epiphany right now! I am furious at you! The answer isyes.
[MELODRAMATICALLY.]
People say that NERP is nothing more than a con job, a cash-grab vanity project from a kooky actress.
Ugh.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Was that a question? - No.
- Oh, okay.
But is it true? - They don't tell me things.
- Who's "they"? See, I don't see NERP as, like, a business.
- It's more, like, a kind of - Like a way of life! Me too! Walt Disney once envisioned a magical world and people told him he was mad.
They called it "Walt's Folly.
" - But you know what that place became? - Disneyland.
- That was not a question.
- Oh, I I'm sorry.
[WHIMPERING.]
[EXHALES.]
That place is Disneyland.
What?! That's crazy.
Didn't see it coming.
I want to turn NERP into the next Disney-Facebook-Tesla-Botox.
It's a world changer.
It's a road map to the future.
- That was a question! - Ohuhuh Alright, listen.
I really liked your writing sample, it's true.
But [SIGHS.]
we have a lot of candidates with more experience and famous-er parents, so fly away, little birdie.
Flap.
Flap, flap.
Okay, thank you.
Nicole? You and me this is gonna happen.
Excuse me? There are forces in the universe that we don't understand.
They can't be explained, but they cannot be denied, and that is what this is.
I don't I don't get it, but I know that it's real.
Oh, my God! That is just what I said to all of those haters who told me that my crystal energy stickers did not improve your colon health.
- Uh! - Crazy.
- They do if you, you know - Yeah.
So, um, does that mean that I will see you Monday morning? Let's make it Tuesday 'cause I like to spend Mondays in a flotation tank.
JAY: As young men, we'd hike this path up to an old oak tree, where we'd brainstorm how to conquer the closet universe.
We foolishly thought that we knew everything back then.
But hopefully, I've learned a few things through the years.
Like, live today as if there's no tomorrow that it's not too late to right past wrongs, and when things are looking down, look up or take chances you never imagined you would.
"You stupid softy, I knew you'd do it.
Did you try to do something special? Was it at sunset? It was at sunset, wasn't it? Sucker.
I win.
See you in hell.
" I look forward to that.
[GRUNTS.]
- Whoo! - Whoo! - Whoo! - Ohh, this is amazing! I know! We should have done this years ago.
Whoa.
I'm a little cold.
Are you a little cold? Yeah, the parts of me that I can still feel sure are.
Oh, look at those suckers on their way home from work.
- Enjoy the rat race! - [BOTH LAUGH.]
- Don't forget to pay your taxes! - Yeah! [LAUGHS.]
Hey, did you see the story about that, um, dinosaur fish? It said it had the head of a head of a snake or something.
- Yeah, 16 rows of teeth, uh-huh.
- Yeah.
Hey, do you think that we look like seals from underneath? - Mitchell, w-what are we doing? - What are we [LAUGHS.]
We're living our lives, is what we're doing.
Yeah, but I, uh, I'm just asking, but was imagining it more fun? Well, it was warmer.
You know, I like looking forward to things.
Carly Simon's big hit was "Anticipation", not "Remember That Cool Thing We Did".
Hey, I have an idea.
L-Let's go back, we'll buy a bottle of wine that we'll never open and a candle that we'll never light, - call it a day, huh? - That sounds wonderful.
- Okay, but stop touching my feet.
- I didn't touch you.
- I didn't touch you.
- You didn't - Dinosaur fish! Dinosaur fish! - Dinosaur fish! Dinosaur fish! [SHRIEKING.]
Mitchell! Mitchell, do not leave me alone!