Seinfeld s09e13 Episode Script

So you're saying UNICEF is a scam? It's the perfect cover for a money-laundering operation.
No one could keep track of all those kids with those little orange boxes of change.
Oh, no.
It's Sally Weaver.
Oh, yeah, your old college roommate, huh? No, it's Susan Ross' old college roommate.
She moved to New York.
She's trying to become an actress.
Dramatic or comedic? Untalented.
She's always inviting me to see her in some bad play in a tiny room without ventilation.
It's really depressing.
Well, we don't go to enough theater.
She should just give up.
- Hey.
- Hey there Mr.
Too-Big-to-Come-to-My-Shows.
I just came from tap.
I'm all: I'm on my way to an audition, still looking for that big break.
Why don't you just give up? Kramer.
Well, that's what Jerry says.
Oh, now, face it.
If it hasn't happened, it's not gonna happen.
All right.
Now, go grab us a booth.
Join us? So Susan's dead.
Well, I think she was happy someone finally said it.
Why did you have to say anything to her? Well, I felt the conversation was lagging.
Why can't you ever just keep your big mouth shut? I come in here to have a pleasant meal and if we're not gonna have one, I'll grab a bite to eat at your place.
You know, maybe Kramer was right.
Some people should just give up.
I have.
- What did you wanna be? - I don't remember but it certainly wasn't this.
Look at this cartoon in The New Yorker.
- I don't get this.
- Me neither.
And you're on the fringe of the humor business.
Hey.
Hey, George, look at this.
- That's cute.
- You get it? No, never mind.
Come on.
We're two intelligent people here.
We can figure this out.
Now, we got a dog and a cat in an office.
It looks like my accountant's office.
There's no pets working there.
The cat is saying, "I've enjoyed reading your e-mail.
" It's got something to do with that 42 in the corner.
That's a page number.
Well, I can't crack this one.
Oh, this has gotta be a mistake.
Well, try shaking it.
Well, Janet should be here any minute.
You've been hiding her.
You must really like her.
Jerry, the minute I saw this girl, we just clicked.
She's got such a nice face.
Her eyes, her mouth, nose.
We know what a face consists of.
I'm sorry I'm late.
Jerry, Elaine, I give you Janet.
- Nice to meet you.
- Hi.
Hi.
Do we still have time to make the movie? Oh, yeah.
We just can't go to the supermarket to get some candy.
Jerry, she looks exactly like you.
She does not.
You know, maybe she doesn't.
I don't care.
- Hey, Kramer.
- Well, hey.
You got some messages.
Yeah.
George, George, Elaine.
George again.
Elaine.
Newman.
But that was a crank call.
Yeah, and some Sally woman called, says thanks a lot.
Yeah, she's quitting the business.
You ruined her life.
What? You're the one who ruined her life.
Well, that's not how she remembers it.
Well, I gotta talk her out of this.
I thought you said she stinks.
She does stink.
And she should quit.
But I don't want it to be because of me.
It should be the traditional route.
Years of rejection and failure until she's spit out the bottom of the porn industry.
- Yeah.
- Hey, George and Janet.
- Oh, who's Janet, huh? - George's girlfriend.
Elaine thinks she looks like me but I think it's, as you would say, kooky talk.
You know what woman I always thought you looked like? Lena Horne.
- Hey.
Hey.
- Hey, George.
And you must look exactly like Jerry.
You don't see this? Oh, you're like twins.
This is eerie.
Kramer, what are you talking about? Janet doesn't look anything like Jerry.
Maybe we do look a little like each other.
No, what do you know about what you look like? Come on, George.
Relax.
Just because they look alike that doesn't mean you're secretly in love with Jerry.
All right, we're going now.
Bye-bye.
- We just got here, George.
- Well, it's getting dark.
Yeah, she's a nice girl, kind of quiet, though.
What are you doing? Don't tell a woman she looks like a man.
George doesn't wanna hear his girlfriend looks like me, neither do I.
Well, how should I have broached the subject? You don't broach.
You keep your mouth shut.
Well, sounds like someone's having a bad day.
Yeah, because of you.
Well, then I think one of us should leave.
Sally, you can't quit the business.
This is all because of me? You can't give up.
You don't think people tell me I stink? When I'm on-stage that's all I hear.
"You stink.
You suck.
We like magic.
" - Really? - Of course.
I stink.
You stink.
It's show biz.
Everybody stinks.
Yeah, you've been stinking since the '80s.
All right, I think we've covered my act.
Now, you get out there and stink it up with everybody else.
All right.
Yes.
Thank you.
I'm gonna do it.
Now.
Well, I've asked everyone at work and no one gets this cartoon.
I don't understand why, but I am gonna get to the bottom of this.
Oh, I think we're at the bottom.
Hey, George.
Janet seems really nice.
And she's quite a handsome woman.
- What does that mean? - Yeah, what does that mean? What do you mean by that? Enjoy.
- Elaine, huh? She's completely - Oh, I know.
- Because you don't think Janet - No.
- Why would I? - It's ludicrous.
Yes.
- Neither one of us.
- No.
- So.
- Exactly.
I'm not gay.
Neither am I.
- Kramer, get in here.
- Kramer.
Kramer.
Where's that crazy man? Come on.
Kramer, come on in here.
- Come on.
- Kramer, what are you doing? - Come in.
- Finally.
What are you doing? Come and talk to us.
I've made an important life decision.
- Let's talk about that.
- Don't leave.
All right.
I know I've been kind of shooting off at the mouth lately.
First, with that girl whose life you destroyed and then about George dating a lady Jerry.
What's the decision? I know you want me to keep my big mouth shut.
Well, that's exactly what I'm gonna do.
- I'm never gonna talk again.
- Yeah, right.
What do I need to talk for, huh? What, to blab to the neighbors about how George has a new fem-Jerry friend? Or to tell everybody at the coffee shop how George is all mixed up in a perverse sexual amalgam of some girl and his best friend? See, now, I've done all that.
Now, it's time for silence.
Silence? Yes.
You're never gonna be able to completely stop talking.
Jerry, 94 percent of communication is nonverbal.
Here, watch.
What? What are you talking about? Well, what does this mean? Well, it's Frank and Estelle's reaction to hearing about George's man love for a she-Jerry.
- Shut up.
Shut up.
Shut up.
- That's the idea.
Kramer, there's no way you stick to this.
- Oh, you're gonna start now? - That's right.
Right now.
That hurts.
Now.
So J.
Peterman wants to hire some of our cartoonists to illustrate your catalog? Well, we're hoping that if, perhaps the catalog is a little funnier people won't be so quick to return the clothes.
For example, you know, I really do Well, I love this one.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, that's a rather clever jab at inter-office politics, don't you think? Yeah.
But why is it that the animals enjoy reading the e-mail? Well, Miss Benes cartoons are like gossamer and one doesn't dissect gossamer.
Well, you don't have to dissect it if you could just tell me why this is supposed to be funny.
Oh, it's merely a commentary on contemporary mores.
But what is the comment? - It's a slice of life.
- No, it isn't.
- A pun? - I don't think so.
Vorshtein? That's not a word.
- You have no idea what this means.
- No.
- Then why did you print it? - I like the kitty.
You know what? You people should be ashamed of yourselves.
You know, you doodle a couple of bears at a cocktail party talking about the stock market, you think you're doing comedy.
Actually, that's not bad.
Oh, really? Oh, yes.
Well, you know, I have others.
Sally, I can't believe you're already doing a one-woman show.
No, it's just a little performance piece I wrote.
But you know what? You really inspired me, okay, a tear.
Hey, there you are.
Oh, right.
Code of silence.
How's that going? Thank you.
Hi.
I think you're really gonna like this because it's about me.
Well, all right, it's not just about me.
It's about me, and this guy, Jerry Seinfeld who I like to call the devil.
Okay, okay.
So I run into this Jerry on the street and then he says to me: "Hey, Sally, you stink.
You should give up acting.
" Oh, I'm doing Jerry now, okay? So you have to imagine I have horns a tail and hooves instead of feet.
You know what I mean, that guy? Oh, shut up.
She does a full hour about how you're the devil? I gotta go see this thing.
Good luck.
It's sold out for the next three weeks.
Well, I bet I can get in, once I mention I'm from The New Yorker.
- The New Yorker? - Yes.
The New Yorker.
I met with their cartoon editor and I got him to admit that that cartoon made no sense.
Wow, good work, Nancy Drew.
So we ended up going out to lunch and he had some great gossip about James Thurber.
Nodding off.
And he said I could submit some of my own cartoons.
Wow, that's incredible, but you don't draw.
- I do too.
- What, your sad little horsies? The house with the little curl of smoke.
The sunflower with the smiley face.
The transparent cube.
It's better than your drawings of naked Lois Lane.
Where did you see that? Those are private.
Jerry, sorry I'm late.
Channel Nine is doing a piece on my show, isn't that great? Do you hate me? No, no, I thought the show was terrific.
I was just wondering if you have to keep saying Jerry Seinfeld is the devil.
Well, that is the title.
I know, but I thought maybe you could mention how I apologized and encouraged you to stick with it? You know, I workshopped that and snoozers.
But I'll tell you what, I'll tinker.
It's all a journey.
Thanks.
You got a little schmutz there.
Excuse me, Miss Weaver? Oh, my God, it is you.
I've seen your show six times.
What a surprise.
You're great.
It's great.
It's so great to see a show that's about something.
Where to? My friends are idiots.
She doesn't look like Jerry.
She doesn't look like anybody.
And so what if she does look like Jerry? What does that mean? That I'd have everything I have with Jerry but because it's a woman I could also have sex with her? And that somehow, that would be exactly what I always wanted? She doesn't even look like Jerry.
I really do look a lot like your friend Jerry.
I know.
Thanks for watching Nine News.
We leave you tonight with a scene from Sally Weaver's one-woman show.
Okay, so, I go to meet Jerry Seinfeld at this horrible coffee shop, right? He's like, "Stop doing your show.
" And I'm like, "Hello, it's a free country.
" So then he goes, "Okay, schmutzie.
" Then he starts pawing at my sweater, right? And getting all "Hands Across America.
" There really was schmutz.
I didn't try and grab her.
And this is what he looks like when he is eating: Get out of my house.
Well, boys, I did it.
I had to stay up all night but I finally came up with a great New Yorker cartoon.
If I stayed up all night, I'd fix myself up a little before I go out.
That is not the point.
Some mouthwash, a hat, something.
Just read it.
Pretty good.
Pretty good? Well, this is a gem.
Kramer, lookit.
What? It's funny.
It's a pig at a complaint department.
Yeah, and he's saying, "I wish I was taller.
" See? That's his complaint.
- I get it.
- Do you? Because that's not a normal complaint.
Well, how about if it was something like: "I can't find my receipt.
My place is a sty.
" You know, everything with you has to be so jokey.
I'm a comedian.
"I wish I was taller.
" That's nice.
That's real.
Yeah, well, I got a complaint.
This cartoon stinks.
Well, I'll tell you who doesn't think it stinks.
The New Yorker.
That's right.
They're publishing it in their next issue.
Oh, you know what? I just ran into Newman in the hall.
He said you tried to grope Sally Weaver? Oh, that's it.
I'm gonna put an end to this.
"The pig says, 'My wife is a slut"'? Now, that's a complaint.
Hello, this is Jerry.
I just wanted to leave you a message and let you know I caught your little piece on TV.
I'm getting tired of hearing about how horrible I am.
I'd really appreciate it if you would just leave me out of your act altogether.
Well, that's it.
I'm calling in the big guns.
"to cease and desist, on behalf of my client, Jerry Seinfeld.
" Signed, crybaby Jerry Seinfeld's lawyer.
Okay.
Well, I've got two words for you, Jerry Seinfeld: **** you.
How could she say that on TV? And how did she get a cable special? I've never gotten a cable special.
Well, that's it.
I'm not giving her any more material.
We are incommunicado.
Exactly.
Check it out.
From the new issue of The New Yorker.
- It's funny, isn't it? - No.
Look at it.
The pig wants to be taller.
And what's this guy gonna say, huh? Nothing.
Elaine, I'm afraid I have incurred yet another flat tire.
Can I fix that after lunch, sir? Oh, no, right away.
Chop-chop.
A new cartoon.
"I wish I was taller.
" I'd like to see that complaint get rectified.
You see? See? Smart people think this is funny.
And you wanna know why? Because I wrote it.
You shouldn't make fun of pigs.
Flash of lightning, Elaine.
I just realized why I like this cartoon so much.
- Oh, do tell, sir.
- It's a "Ziggy.
" A "Ziggy"? That irreverence.
That wit.
I'd recognize it anywhere.
Some charlatan has stolen a "Ziggy" and passed it off as his own and I can prove it.
Quick, Elaine, to my archives.
You know what's great about our relationship? - It's not about looks.
- It's not? No, it can't be.
Okay.
For instance, I remember when we first met we had a great conversation.
I remember you said I was the prettiest girl at the party.
But then after that we really talked, didn't we? Well, you told me how familiar I looked and that you must have seen me somewhere before.
This relationship, it's got to be about something.
And fast, or I am in very serious and weird trouble.
- What else happened? - You asked for a piece of gum because you thought your breath smelled like hummus.
All right.
Yes.
Gum.
Good enough.
I'll take it.
- I like gum.
- I do too.
You see, that's what we're about.
You don't remind me of anyone and we love gum.
- I have gum in my hair.
- I'm losing it.
Hey, you're Jerry's friend.
You're kooky.
Mind if I sit? My show is going well.
Have you seen it yet? You should.
Everybody else in town has.
I got recognized the other day.
How weird is that? I know.
At first I liked the attention.
But after a while it's like, "Whoa, take three steps back.
Get a life," okay? There wouldn't be a Sally Weaver without the fans.
But who am I, anyway? I mean, there's Sally Weaver the woman.
Sally Weaver the artist.
Sally Weaver You know, you've gotta shut up.
I'm sorry.
I haven't spoken in days.
Well, lay it on me, string bean.
Let me get this gum out of my hair and then I'll be ready for bed.
Okay, look, the gum isn't cutting it for me.
We need to be about something else.
Anything.
Please.
George.
- Your hair.
- Well, I had to cut the gum out and I had a little trouble getting it even.
So why don't you get undressed, George? George is in weird trouble.
You ripped off a "Ziggy"? It must have seeped into my subconscious.
Puddy has "Ziggy" bed sheets.
Did you read the comics today? Oh, I see Ziggy's back at the complaint department.
"The New Yorker is stealing my ideas.
" See, that's funny because it's real.
Hey, lookit.
Sally's cable show's on.
Hey, Kramer, come on in.
You gotta watch this.
This'll be funny.
Now, she's got nothing.
Master of evil, Jerry Seinfeld, broke off all contact with me.
That's right, sister.
Why don't you just give up? Why are you yelling at the TV? Okay, get this.
I heard he makes his best friend date women who look just like him.
Hello? Issues.
Elaine, have you been talking to her? Hey, I'm just a fan.
Oh, and speaking of issues guess who got a no-polish manicure and begged his neighbor not to tell anyone.
I thought you stopped talking.
All right, starting now.
You broke up with her because she cut her hair? How short? Like that.
- You mean like? - That.
- So she - Yes.
- And you don't - No.
- So.
- Exactly.
We must never ever speak of this again.
No.
Hey, you wanna go see a movie? Actually, I think I'm gonna take a few days off.
- I think that's for the best.
- Yeah.