Last of the Summer Wine (1973) s09e14 Episode Script

Ow! CRASH! Did your missus ever go in for fancy underwear? I've no idea.
She hasn't either.
Don't just leave them all over me new kitchen.
I paid for the thing, didn't I? It smells sweaty.
It's more than you ever do.
It's not macho, you know.
Just sweaty.
You've got a lot of mouth for somebody with deformed toenails.
No, they're not.
You paint 'em red, they still look like cornflakes.
Red cornflakes.
TALKING IN DISTANCE Shut up, woman! You're such a slob, Gary.
Wealthy slob, if you don't mind! Who's a pretty boy, then? Hm? Who's a pretty boy, then? Oi! You say that very well.
A voice full of authority.
You can put that lot down.
It would be a pleasure to assist a gentleman of your calibre with the menial duties.
On your way.
Have you never thought of somebody in my condition to help with the heavy lifting? Out! Quite right.
It's unreasonable in the circumstances.
I should've made an appointment.
Bog off! You're a leader of men, I can see that.
SINGING IN THE DISTANCE Oh! Mind where you're putting that! Do stay still.
Stop wriggling about.
I'm not doing it.
It's the ingratitude that hurts.
Don't you believe it.
It's the needle that hurts.
I'm not doing it.
All you have to do is handle the loudspeakers.
I-I-I-I-I'M NOT DOING I-I-I-IT! Is that loudspeaker enough for thee? I thought you wanted to go.
Oh, I do.
I want to see Nora Batty in that waitress's outfit.
Cor! I bet she looks a right little belter in that, eh? Well, braces spring more to mind.
Oh, she knocks me out when she's done up.
Gracie Fields.
When she's done up, she reminds me of Gracie Fields.
Are you sure you don't mean WC Fields? Oh, I'm not saying she's perfect.
Oh, perish the thought.
She's got wrinkles.
Not on her face.
On her ankles.
She'd be very impressed to see you handling the loudspeakers.
No! Oh, it hardly seems fair.
Here am I, helping you.
Listen, Penelope, I never asked thee to mend my trousers! That's because you never have to walk behind you going uphill.
Eh! Oh! Do you know that you've got a double? I'm not doing it! But you can help me test the speakers, can't you? Yeah, but I didn't think I'd have to wear them! They suit you.
You look really good in speakers.
It's your clothes you look terrible in.
Off you go then, across the fields.
You mean I have to walk in these? That's the whole idea - a public address system that will really get to the people.
It can follow them if it has to.
I could never follow anybody in this! Supposing I caught Nora Batty? I'd never get me woofer past me tweeter.
Who does he remind you of? I know.
Nureyev.
Well Maybe Old-reyev.
FEEDBACK BANGING All right.
ECHO: All right.
That's enough.
You needn't go any further.
VOICE ECHOES As a matter of fact, we had no intention of going any further.
Who's a cheeky little tweeter, then? I'm going to really miss that bicycle.
We used to go everywhere together.
The only time I ever left it was on my honeymoon.
I missed it that time, too.
Well, I hope he falls off, whoever he is.
They should never have abandoned the death penalty.
For stealing bicycles? Well, only in extreme cases.
You can't even cane people, nowadays.
Imagine never being able to cane people! Ooh, I had some stick in my time! Oh, I must've come top in stick.
We've been together such a long time, me and that bicycle.
I was on me third saddle.
I feel like Roy Rogers losing Trigger.
Not Mrs Rogers, just Trigger.
I tell you what, Norm.
I should have told you to come with a whistle.
Trigger did.
Well, he had to in case Roy Rogers burst into another song.
The biggest shock I ever got, cowboy-wise, was somebody called Gene Autry turning out to be a man.
What about my name, then? Seymour.
That sounds like a material for ladies' blouses.
THEY LAUGH BOTTLES CLATTER It's the end of civilisation as we know it.
That's how Rome went, you know.
Vandalism and nicking bicycles.
The hallmark of a healthy society is not per capita income, it's - can you leave your bicycle? BICYCLE BELL RINGS I know that bell.
That's my bell.
That's my bell he's riding! That's my bicycle.
COMPO WHISTLES Stop! ALL: Stop! We've got your description! It's not the real me! The real me is taller.
We'll never catch him.
I could move like a ferret till you mended me trousers.
Being stitched up interferes with my natural flow.
Do you think he'll be kind to my bicycle? Stop worrying.
I'll get it back.
I'll commandeer this vehicle.
Did you see that? He nearly had me! A trilby.
It was being driven by a trilby.
Another instant, I could have been reclassified entirely.
Talk about Gene Autry! Not fit to be on the road.
Weren't bad for a trilby.
We'll never catch him now.
Oooh! CRASH! Sunday driver! Oh! Oh! Oh! This machine belongs to Did you get his number? Never mind that.
We've got YOUR number.
You were a witness.
Not exactly.
Well, near enough.
There could be a little something in it for you.
It is mine.
You can tell by the height of the saddle.
You saw him run me down.
I saw no such thing.
Leaving me in this pitiable condition.
You look well enough to me.
Well, I try to keep a brave face on it.
How about you? You have a keen attentive look.
I used to have a ferret like that.
Well, I used to have a bicycle and this is it.
Er, well All I can tell you is when I came to after the accident, there it was, lying there.
But you passed through us, riding it up there.
You nearly knocked us down.
You see! What a retentive memory you've got.
You'd make a marvellous witness.
All we can witness to is a stolen bicycle.
We saw thee riding it.
Thee made a right bog of it, an' all.
Take your bicycle.
Leave me to bleed to death.
I've got me bicycle back Just leave it to me.
But the poor chap's injured.
I'm not surprised.
He lies so fast, he's probably twisted something.
Oh, go on.
Leave me while me life ebbs away.
I like him.
He overdoes it so.
Oh, that'll teach me to take this bicycle I found and ride it towards the police station.
Oh, well, there you go, you see.
That explains it.
Do you think I should give him a tip? You're not going to fall for that? On your feet, you.
Up.
Come on.
Impossible in this broken condition.
HORN BLARES .
.
9, There you are.
One dozen forks.
Right.
Be careful, Milburn.
You can't carry all that lot.
I can.
I can carry this lot.
Oh! You can't get it through the door.
No, I can't get it through the door.
But I can carry this lot.
They won't be told.
What is it with young men? I blame tight trousers.
I'll say this much for old men - as least they always wear baggy trousers.
I don't know what he bought it for.
What did you buy it for? All right.
I admit I don't send you Valentines, but I've bought you a van.
He'll be all right with this.
She's not so bad, is this.
Why? Tell me why.
We never go anywhere.
Well, now we can, pet.
And why a damn great van? So we can get things in the back.
Oh, aye? You and who else? You can soon tidy this.
If it ever comes round here smelling of cheap perfume, I'll wrap it round his pelvis.
DOOR SLAMS I've seen worse than this.
Have you ever seen worse than that? What? That that's just gone indoors.
Weren't a bad bit of carpet, were it? We were married in Scarborough.
She looked better in Scarborough.
Not many things look better in Scarborough.
Wesley What? Have you ever felt the urge to wander outside your marriage? Where to? Where do you think? "Where to?" Somewhere sympathetic.
Attractive.
Exciting.
Female.
Another woman? Well, yes.
That would be more suitable than almost anything if you're looking for something female.
Just remember, Milburn, it's important that we make a success of this.
Our first big move into outside catering.
Put that in the back seat.
It's a charitable social function.
It's a good cause.
Everybody who is anybody will be there scoffing our barbecue.
It could be make or break for us, Milburn.
Are you listening to me, Milburn? Oh, I'm listening.
What am I saying? You were saying "Put that in the back seat, Milburn.
" Ooh! Now, Mrs Batty's going with you and she'll show you where to lay things out.
Is it safe, this thing? It's a great little car.
Is this all of it? Shouldn't there be more? This is all they gave me when I got it.
Uh, it'sgoing to be a bit crowded, that's all.
Me? Go with another woman? Have you never thought about it? Edie'd go crackers.
Pearl goes crackers.
Nobody said it was easy.
Have you never lusted after something different? Certainly.
A 1934 drophead Alvis.
I'd love a 1934 drophead Alvis.
Get yourself an obsession, Howard.
Me, I'm an engine freak.
It passes your life nicely.
But I'm not mechanical.
It ruins your fingernails.
But it's safer, lad.
Believe me.
Ah! I'll get these.
No, it's all right.
No, no, it's my turn.
I insist.
Well, I think that's decent.
Don't you think that's decent? The man tried to steal your bicycle.
He was going to hand it in to the police.
Norman, tha still believes in Father Christmas, don't thee? He's got an honest face.
With all them whiskers? You can only see his nose.
Well, he's got an honest nose.
You're too impressionable by half.
We shouldn't be here drinking with him.
When I suggested taking him in, I didn't mean the nearest pub.
But he'd just been knocked down.
On your bike.
By the phantom trilby.
Well, you've got to admire his spirit.
He stays remarkably cheerful.
Is that Nora Batty, my true love, I see approaching? Or is it a mirage? Looks more like Rommel.
How do, Mr Simmonite? How do, Crush, lad? What have you stopped for? You don't think I want to be seen stopping outside pubs.
To say how do to Mr Simmonite.
Nobody asked you.
No, it was me own idea.
How do, Nora, lass? Don't start.
I must say, tha looks very tasty wearing this little French car.
Out of me way.
We've got work to do.
Where's the waitress's uniform, you lovely little bit of crackling? That's not till tomorrow and you'll not be there to see it.
I could help thee wait on.
You'll not come anywhere near.
It's more than I can stand, having you around when me hands are full.
Ooh, mademoiselle, what about a little ooh-la-la? Oh! Put your foot down, Milburn! I will! I'll wear 'em.
I'll wear them damn loudspeakers.
Good man.
Well, she should notice you in those.
I thought we'd had enough beer.
I thought I'd buy whisky.
I hope I did right.
I hope everyone likes it.
No problem.
You shouldn't have bothered.
I feel terrible.
Anyone can make a mistake.
Get that down you.
Well, that's very decent of you.
Restores your faith in human nature.
All right, don't go on about it.
Aa-a-ah, lovely.
That went down a treat.
That'll be £4 and eight pence.
Oh, come on, you didn't expect a tramp to buy you whisky, did you? Here.
Ooh, that's very kind of you, love.
Don't be so sure, it might be poisoned.
It isn't.
I just wanted to point out there's no lack of opportunity.
Ah, you make terrific tea.
I do, don't I? And I keep your house spotless and I feed ya.
Very well.
I've always said you're particularly gifted with the cheaper cuts of meat.
I save you money.
And I'm always here when I'm wanted, which is every time your nose is bunged up, or your bowels are bunged up, or you've got some other unromantic problem you wouldn't take to your girlfriend.
She's just an acquaintance.
We chat occasionally.
Well, next time she wants a chat, try her with them descriptions of how you're a martyr to flatulence that you save for me.
CAR DOOR SLAMS Not to worry, Mrs Batty.
I'll soon change this wheel.
I was great at school at changing teachers' wheels.
Listen, I don't want to seem picky, but ain't tramps supposed to walk? He has a point.
That's the whole point of being a tramp - they walk.
But he falls down when he walks.
Another point of being a tramp! They can fall down whenever they want to.
Yeah, but we can't just leave him fallen down.
I'm not an expert on the law relating to tramps but I'll bet you're not supposed to leave them lying about.
Why ever not? He'll come to no harm.
Who's going to nick a fallen tramp? Leave me.
Just leave me.
I feel sure that's probably best.
Right.
Ta-ta, chuck.
I can't hold him! I can't hold him.
What's he saying? Sounded like, "I can't hold him.
" Oh.
Ah! When I said, "Leave me", I didn't necessarily mean over the wall.
I told thee, tramps are made for walking.
And drinking.
He's not bad at drinking.
I used to be better.
We could never have afforded you in your prime.
I used to buy my own, you know.
I come from a very wealthy family.
Eh, if tha so wealthy, how come tha is tramping? I chose it as a vocation.
Heads, I'm going to be a brain surgeon, tails Some of us were born to be free.
We were discussing this only yesterday.
If you don't believe that we had money, you should see our house.
Cost a bomb.
Tha should see mine.
Looks like it's had one.
You see, I came back here for sentimental reasons.
My kid brother still lives round here.
You now how it is.
You get nostalgic.
Ah, like toothache? That's neuralgic.
Oh, sorry.
You come back for a peep at your loved ones.
The house is called Dream Acres.
Dream Acres? No wonder you left home! It's the caterers, come to get ready for tomorrow.
The caterers? Well, you said not to go potty, price-wise.
Get off! I think I better wash me hands.
Here, come on, you.
What? Come in a minute, and shut that door.
Right, stand on them.
I don't need your mucky boots all over my simulated terracotta tiles.
I want a word with you.
Will you stand straight? You shouldn't be attempting more than you can manage at your age.
What is it you want with me? What have I done now? Whose car have you just been fiddling with? Fiddling with? Is that what you think I do? I'm like a surgeon, woman.
I have an almost mystical instinct for the ailments of the internal combustion engine.
Bully for you.
Whose car have you been fiddling with? Howard's new van.
I thought as much.
I mean, it's new for Howard but it's not exactly a new van, though she's not bad mechanically, apart from tappets.
You don't need to go through her MOT.
I just want to know what he plans to do with it.
"Do with it"? That's right.
"Do with it.
" HE MOUTHS I'm sorry it's such a difficult idea to grasp.
It's thrown you right off your "almost mystical".
How do I know what he's going to do with it? Well, don't you think you ought to find out before you start lending yourself as an accessory? As an accessory? To what? To what Howard might be planning to do with it.
Well, I've no idea what Howard Well, I have.
And so has poor Pearl.
Poor Pearl? How can you think of Howard's missus as "Poor Pearl"? She's got a worse bite than a Jack Russell.
Howard lives in mortal fear.
Only when she's there.
Not when she's out of sight.
We could all do with a breather.
Wesley Pegden, you try taking his kind of breather, and I'll cut off your air supply.
Give over.
I've been going steady for 40 years with clapped out old bangers.
Can I go now? Go! Just don't let me catch you meddling with any vehicles that are working extramaritally.
You will please confine yourself to those in lawful wedlock.
But this is where the garden party is.
This is where I'm doing my demonstration.
You mean you used to live here? That was my bedroom up there, where Mummy used to tuck me in.
Ah, did thoust sleep under the blankets or over the top? Stop taking the wee-wee.
Never heard such crap in all my life.
Why did you leave a home like this? Fitted carpets, ex-directory phone number.
They threw him out for nicking bikes.
A head full of adventure stories, a young man's thirst for freedom and the open road - you know what I mean.
Oh, yes, indeed.
I was no stranger to the madness in the blood.
Me too.
Pass.
I was headstrong, carefree.
I wanted throw off all the shackles, I wanted to test myself against the universe.
I remember the feeling.
A little voice kept saying, "Go! Go!" And besides, I'd got the maid into trouble.
Ah, sold her a stolen bike, did thee? Ooh! Do you think they'll be pleased to see you? Your brother? Do you think I'd be tactless enough to burst in on our kid looking like this? Eve of his great day, his young wife.
His best years ahead of him.
Very tactful.
The man has a saintly character.
No, I couldn't intrude on our kid.
What's tha doing here, then? I came to see Heathcliffe, my childhood pet.
Oh, how I miss that little donkey.
Oh! I really miss that donkey.
I can't stand much more of this.
It's worse than Charles Dickens.
His people were always dying.
I hate people dying.
I think the Prudential will be big enough now to use some influence.
Aargh! I loved that little donkey.
I think that's sad.
What? Don't you think that's sad? I'm very sad, myself.
They're no good for riding kids on.
Have you never thought of getting another donkey? I did, when my hamster died.
But I've got another donkey.
That was quick.
Identical to Heathcliffe.
They could be twins.
But it's no good.
He's not Heathcliffe.
Where is this other donkey? Oh, I left him in the field.
I didn't want Heathcliffe to see me with another donkey.
Howard's like that with Pearl.
'Ere, what was wrong with this other donkey? Oh, there's nothing wrong with him.
Nice little donkey.
He's a smashing little donkey.
He's just .
.
not Heathcliffe.
But it looks like Heathcliffe.
Identical in every way.
That's why I picked him.
You know what we could do here.
Excuse me.
Come on.
THEY WHISPER Tr-r-r-r-r-r! Pr-r-r-r-r! Come on.
Why don't we just take the other donkey and leave it in place of Heathcliffe? Now, why didn't I think of that? Well, you're absolutely right.
He does look like Heathcliffe.
Told you.
But will he be happy? I mean, if he's used to tramping? I'm having no part of this if we're going to make a donkey unhappy.
Well, to tell you the truth, he's been getting idle.
He'd love it at Dream Acres.
Of course he'll be happy.
You've seen the place - donkey's paradise.
What thoust call this other donkey, then? Erm Well, he just called it idle.
Smith.
ALL: Smith? Well, you don't use your real name when you're tramping.
Well, fetch it, then.
I'm going.
Smith! Smith! Nice Smith.
Smithy.
Nice Smith.
He looks a bit nervous to me.
He's not nervous.
He doesn't want to frighten Smithy.
He's cracked that then.
Smithy looks in good shape.
Come on, Smithy.
Smithy! Smithy.
I think they ought to ban bullfighting.
He's not bullfighting.
I know.
It just reminded me, that's all.
I don't like bullfighting.
I'd never give up my seat for a Spaniard.
Why can't they just do flamenco? I like flamenco.
We British have a lot to be thankful for, historically.
Fish and chips have been a great steadying factor.
Ah! Has anybody got a rope? 'Ere! Try this.
Are you sure you don't need it? I can't imagine why you'd get that impression.
SCATTERED APPLAUSE BAND PLAYS Wait.
We can't just walk in, barefaced, with a donkey.
Hide the donkey.
Hide the donkey! How the hell can you hide a donkey? It followed us.
We passed it and it followed us.
On the end of that rope? I thought it was you, Cleggy.
What are you doing with that donkey? Do you mind not starting irresponsible rumours about donkeys? I know a donkey when I ssee one.
This is a tramp, Howard.
Donkeys have longer ears.
Very pleased to meet you.
You wouldn't have a few quid for a cup of coffee, would you? A few quid? Why do they all assume that we like rubbishy coffee? I like the van, Howard.
Nice of you to say so.
Plenty of room in the back for Marina! You keep your voice down.
Room in there for a donkey.
Howard? No! DONKEY BRAYS BANGING FROM INSIDE VAN BAND PLAYS Ah! Heathcliffe! Hoochie, coochie, coochie.
Heathcliffe! Hoochie, coochie, coochie, coochie! That's a daft way to call your donkey.
How would you call your ferret? Very careful if it was down me trousers.
Come on.
Let's go and get the donkey.
DONKEY BRAYS I rather liked that donkey.
I love that little donkey.
He didn't seem all that fond of thee.
Ah, well, it's been a long time.
Did you see those teeth? Like rows of used paving stones.
It's where he was trying to use them I was worried about.
He can really move, that donkey.
I bet he thought the same about you.
You'd better get him by yourself.
It may be us that's upsetting him.
By meself? We didn't do too well as a group.
I know.
But by myself? Wait a minute! Where's all this, "I do love that little Heathcliffe"? It is my fault he doesn't remember me? I didn't dress like this when he knew me.
I had a romper suit.
All right, all right.
We'll get Howard with his van, he can drive it to the field, we'll let one donkey out, get the other in.
Where has Howard disappeared to? If we could find Marina, we'd soon find Howard.
Although, come to think of it, I'd rather lose Howard than find Marina.
Why? What's wrong with her? Apart from being loud and flash, she's so terrifyingly friendly.
Possibly she has a kind heart.
Yeah, but she sticks it in you so.
Ah.
I expect you think I've just been in the fortune-telling tent.
I had no idea you dabbled with this sort of stuff.
I don't think I've ever gone as far as dabbled.
Fascinated by the occult, are you, Howard? Yes, I suppose I am really, Cleggy.
You're doing it in a spirit of detached curiosity? Well, you have to do what you can.
It's all part of the restless curiosity of the species.
Howard! Huh! Is that my cheeky little Howard who's come for another cuddle? Ooh, suddenly there's an abundance of men.
Makes your gypsy blood rush straight to your dangly earrings.
I thought she was accurate for a lady I know only briefly.
I don't know about having his palm read.
His face is certainly red.
Mmmmm.
And this is Norman Clegg, who's come for his little palm reading.
Well, I thought I'd wait for the film.
Howard, will you drive your van into the paddock? Can't someone else do it? I'll do it.
Does he like driving? He hates driving, but it's easier than Marina.
He calls that easier? Just make yourselves sociable for once.
It won't undermine your masculine lifestyle, not in one afternoon.
Where's he got to now? Are you coming? I'm coming! I'm not standing here, conversing with this door.
Move yourself.
You're worse than wet feathers.
I'm coming, I'm coming.
Now, lock the door.
And alter that expression.
I'm not carting that around with me all afternoon.
It's not natural being in a suit during the hours of daylight.
Where does it go? It goes where it always goes.
Well, it's not very convenient there.
Surely there must be somewhere else.
There's nowhere else.
It's good to see cars are designed by persons of the male gender.
Afternoon, Mrs Pegden.
Spot of nice weather.
Yes, isn't it? Will you start this before she gets back and starts to talk about how successful their Hobart is?! I hope this car's stopped smoking.
It don't smoke anymore.
I've cured it.
Well, I hope you weren't too late.
It's long sounded terrible.
ENGINE REVS ENGINE CHUGS Where's the waitress from the VIP tent? Here she comes now.
Haven't you got something more streamlined? Are they feeding or frolicking? Looks like just feeding.
Right, where's that twit with this public address system? What did he want? He just wants you to put a bit of lipstick on.
He's not going to start anything funny, is he? I don't think you're going to wake up in a concert party, touring the Middle East.
At his age, sometimes they do go funny.
He hasn't gone funny! He just wants you to glamorise up a bit for the VIP tent.
Aye, well, if he starts anything funny, I'll pulverise him.
I don't care how big his house is.
Can we borrow the lad a minute? Ooh, I don't know.
Gracie Fields.
Where's he sprung from? I said tha looked like Gracie Fields.
What's he on about? About his eighth pint, I think.
Phwoar, lipstick.
Look at them cherry red lips.
I must say, this "Hello, sailor" mood suits thee.
Give us a kiss.
Oh, keep him away! I thought it was Milburn you wanted.
I'd sooner have a bit of that.
He did.
He said, "Can we borrow the lad for a minute?" You think you've come out for an afternoon, left all your troubles behind you.
I'm not worried what's behind thee, lass.
It's what's in front I'm after.
Oh, keep off! Oh, just give us a chance.
Behave! Leave her alone.
She's reserved for the VIP tent.
That's charming.
A bunch of toffs come in here and snatch our sexy women.
There'll be no VIP snatching up me.
That's it, love.
You tell 'em.
Save yourself for the local talent, eh? He did.
I remember thinking, "There's Mr Simmonite saying, "Can we borrow the lad for a minute?" SCREAMING Take him! DONKEY BRAYS Where would you like it, Mr Simmonite? In the back of the van Righty-ho! Ooh! Where have you been? Look at your overall! I wish you wouldn't make me wear a frock.
It's covered in dog hairs.
No, they're donkey hairs.
Don't start.
I've been lifting up a donkey.
Now, pack it in, Milburn.
You're going to have to choose.
It's either the catering trade or lifting donkeys.
Can I lift donkeys on me day off? One, two, three.
Give us a kiss.
Oh! FEEDBACK FEEDBACK AND NORA SCREAMING CROCKERY SMASHES Oh, dear.
Where is he? He can't be far.
So, where is he? I didn't do you up like that to look for your husband.
Can't see much advantage in looking for somebody else's.
It wouldn't hurt to give your Howard that impression.
Seen one, you've seen them all.
You've got to think positively.
I feel like a loose woman.
That's better.
I feel like a tart.
Great! That's just what they go for every time.
Pearl.
It were her idea.
Not before time.
Eh, it's marvellous what they can do with modern materials.
I was always clean and tidy.
Maybe he needs a bit more sparkle in his life than just round his sink.
He'll get what sparkle he's given and like it! There you go, talking like a wife again.
I am a wife! Well, you don't look like a wife.
You always used to.
No-one had it more firmly nailed down.
Didn't have to make me look like a tart.
Well, if you don't want to look like a wife, what other option is there? Have you seen that little weasel of mine? Not lately.
His van's parked over there.
BANGING FROM INSIDE VAN I'll kill him when I do find him.
I can hear someone moving inside.
Howard! Who've you got in there? I can hear you, Howard.
BANG! Ooh, good God! What's he doing in there? He better not be! Come out, Howard, and bring your friend with ya! Are you mad, woman? Stop drawing attention! It's not Howard's friend.
It's somebody's old pet.
That's her! A donkey.
That's the one! Come out! You begin to see what could account for Howard's glazed expression.
We are trying to hide somebody's secret donkey.
Called Heathcliffe.
I've heard some unlikely stories in my time.
All right, then, ask the tramp.
What tramp? Where's he gone? And why has he gone, without his donkey? Typical! After I went to all that trouble to get the man his donkey.
THEE went through? What about Norman and me? And what about Crusher? Eh! Eh! That tramp of yours must be barmy.
He's betting the favourite won't win.
The favourite won't win what? The donkey derby.
ALL: The donkey derby? Yeah, this afternoon.
He must be crackers.
Everybody knows Gatley's been training his donkey for months.
The donkey in the field next door? That's the one.
Whoops.
I do not like what I'm thinking.
How are you keeping, Mavis? Aren't you going to introduce me to your friend? You're looking very spruce today.
And your friend.
I've known Mavis a long time.
Ever since I was a young daredevil jet pilot.
Though I don't believe she ever knew that.
Don't look now, young daredevil jet pilot, but I think your undercarriage is showing.
Where have you been, you little weasel? Pearl! I knew it was you all the time.
You'll know in a minute, you little Tango Red Leader! No wonder the tramp's confident the favourite won't win.
It's in the van! That's what he's been after! We've been had.
There's going to be some money lost here today.
And when they find out why, they'll kill us.
Well, let's not stand here! Let's change it back again.
Back to the field, Heathcliffe.
Go round! The key! The key! The key! Where's Howard? Marina who? Don't "Marina who" me! WHISTLE Hey, Howard, can I see thee a minute? Only a minute? Haven't you anything longer? You're not going out of my sight.
I'll just see what they want.
I'll be straight back.
Hey, Howard, your Pearl's looking real tasty this afternoon.
It just shows.
You can't rely on anything.
The key, Howard.
The key is never make a pass till you're sure it's not the wife.
You didn't?! The van key, Howard.
No problem.
If it's an emergency, I could drive you myself.
PEARL: Howard! Ooh, if we're going to be seen moving a donkey around, it's going to look better if one of us looks like a jockey.
Why is he looking at me, Norm? You need some racing colours.
Something loud and flash.
Now, where can we find something loud and flash? I can see Berries? Could be.
Or peaches.
Can you see him wearing a blouse? I can see his shirt's not going to last much longer.
Can you see him wearing THIS blouse? It were his daft idea! You hear of the excesses of the educated classes.
It's something of an emergency.
My feelings exactly.
Heaven pity the poor palmist who's forced to part with her blouse.
You're a very understanding young lady.
I could never refuse to give up me blouse in an emergency! FANFARE I'll kill that tramp! FANFARE Where's the other one? Where's Smithy? Where's the donkey? I bet it's gone to be saddled up for the derby.
Now what? We can't leave the favourite in the van.
We've got to swap them over somehow.
The stables.
Maybe we can switch him over there.
I was just about to suggest that.
Off you go then, Clegg.
Put her in reverse.
Reverse? There's too much padding.
No, there's not.
Pull it down.
Ah, the children will love it.
Bless 'em.
Who's she with the Shredded Wheat hair and the spikes for fingernails? That's his new wife.
You'd have thought he'd have gone in for comfort at his age.
It'll be a long time before he sees home-made jam roly-poly again.
Let's hope he keeps nimble on his feet.
I bet he daren't slow down with fingernails like she's got! If he gets the angle wrong, she'll poke his eyes out.
Where's the horse? They're in the beer tent.
Both ends? Both ends.
DONKEY BRAYS You know what the trouble is? He can sense our nervousness.
We need somebody who won't be nervous.
BANG Wesley? No.
Not Crusher! No, no.
Howard? BOTH: No.
MAN SCREAMS ALL: Eli! He won't be nervous.
He'll never know what he's got hold of.
Good day to you, Eli.
Just a minute.
Somebody's calling.
Eli! It were us.
Sorry! Well done, Eli.
No problem.
You just follow us, Eli.
We'll open the stable door.
You walk right through.
No problem.
Not that door, man! No, Eli! Wrong, Eli.
Oh, my God! Go on.
Go and fetch him out.
Why me? Well, we can't all go cluttering about other people's houses! Why the hell do I have to do everything? Dear, oh dear.
It's not been a relaxing day.
That tramp's been nothing but Inventive? You've got to give him marks for initiative.
I'd give him a shave, a bath, a haircut and six months! Come on, hurry up! He's gone! There's no trace of them.
Where the hell else could they have got to? If Eli's in front, it could be anywhere.
What's he doing up there? CRASH Oh-oh-oh, I'm glad we've caught you.
Now what? This gentleman wants a word.
Me? What is it? Tell him! Thank you, Seymour.
Look, I haven't got all day, I'm looking for a horse.
Both ends! You're looking for a horse in the house? No, not in the house.
What kind of muffin would look for a horse in a house! A horse in the house? Very amusing.
Hilarious.
THEY BOTH LAUGH I was just popping in the house to get an aspirin.
Oh, it's the last time I get involved in a cock-up like this.
I had the horse all rigged up.
You should see it now.
Drunk as a skunk in the beer tent! Both ends! CRASH AND DONKEY BRAYING I told him, "You're a disgrace for a horse's rear end.
" CRASH AND COMPO YELLING You don't need aspirin.
It's all in the muscular tension.
This gentleman is a qualified therapist.
I'm not actually working today.
Ooh! YELLING AND CRASHING That's it.
A bit lower.
Oh, oh, oh, oh.
I'm not wearing that, woman.
Wesley Pegden, you get into this horse immediately.
Somebody has to do it.
We can't disappoint the children.
It needs two.
It's a two-seater.
I'll find you a front end.
You'll find me a rear end.
If I'm going to wear this thing, I'm going to drive.
Where did it go? Why didn't you hang onto it? Down three flights of stairs?! Well, where's Eli? My God, it's eaten Eli! Don't worry, it just trod on him a bit, that's all.
Beats me why anybody needs a dog that size anyway.
Which one of you lot is the rear end? ALL: He is! Wait a minute, that's not a bad idea.
People are looking at us.
It's very conspicuous chasing a donkey.
There's just no demand to play the horse's rear.
You mention it and people just melt away.
You should try the VIP tent.
They're the biggest bunch of horse's rears I've seen all day.
Oh, well done, our Seymour.
Our Seymour's found a friend for Wesley.
No problem.
Now, no coarse jokes, Wesley.
Conduct yourself like a thoroughbred.
And wipe your hooves carefully before you come home.
Get away, you daft thing.
I can't see a damn thing.
I should hope not, where you're looking.
Why can't I be in front? If you get any closer, you will be in front.
Ooh, ah! Now, careful, careful.
Steady.
Now's your chance.
Three's nobody looking.
Oh, I hope there's nobody looking.
A former headmaster talking to a horse.
DONKEY BRAYS Don't let it go! Don't let it go! Grab the rope! Aaargh! Aaaargh! Come back here! Where is the horse? He can't be far.
Don't worry.
My husband's in front.
He's a qualified driver.
Stop it, will ya?! Stop, you four-legged git! What does a bloke have to do to get a drink round here? Stop, you four-legged git! Stop! ENGINE STARTS Excuse me, sir, would you like to pull into the side for me? Would you mind blowing into this for me, sir? Hold that.
So that's it, boys and girls! Give them a big hand.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE BAND PLAYS BICYCLE BELL RINGS Oh, no! Here we go again! Are you all right? Far from it! The flaming favourite won, didn't it? Is the race over? It's all over! But we've got the favourite here! That's what I thought, but you've got the other one! That lad of yours picked up the wrong donkey.
I have to go.
Can we rely on that? There are people up there under the impression that I owe them money.
But that's my bicycle.
I'll leave it at the station! Ah.
You let me speak in that horse's ear.
And you were never in there.
We couldn't ALL get in.
Mind you, I often speak in your ear and you're not in there, either.
What's wrong with his legs? You're always on about my legs.
Get off! What's he got Marina's blouse for? How do you know it's Marina's blouse? Just a wild guess.
How could you pick up the wrong donkey? I think it's cos I do weight training.
Go and burn some more sausages, Milburn.
Hey, Nora.
What do you want? Your lipstick's coming off.
Where? All over my cheeky chops.
I don't know how he dares.
She looks fiercer than the donkey.
Only from the front.
SHE SCREAMS