Married with Children s09e14 Episode Script

Here we go.
Fresh from the oven.
Not that I bake, mind you.
It's just that that's where I hide it from Al and the kids.
I'll get the forks.
Now, let's see.
Where do I keep the good plastic? We couldn't wait.
Glad I'm not made of buttercream frosting.
Mom.
What is the best news that you could possibly hear? They're making men in flavours? Yeah.
I got a commercial.
Now, it's not just any commercial.
I am going to be the new Waist Away Diet girl.
Honey, that is terrific.
Waist Away.
That's a good diet.
I've lost hundreds of pounds on that one.
You know, I am one of those people that can't lose weight no matter what.
I don't know.
You know, slow metabolism, I guess.
I don't know.
Mom, don't you see what this means? This could be my springboard to Hollywood.
TV, movies, made-for-TV movies.
Movies made from old TV.
Mom, I'm finally on my way.
Hey, Buck, I'm finally on my way.
Mr.
Clock, I'm finally on my way.
Bud and the rubber woman, I'm finally on my way.
I take it Al and his NO MA'AM herd had a meeting tonight? - Yeah.
Why? Because there's a bumper sticker on my car which says: "Support feminists.
Hairy women need love too.
" So tell me, where is the little knuckle-walker? With the rest of the husbands down at the Jiggly Room.
The Jiggly Room? Isn't that a strip club? No, it's a school of science and industry.
Do you all mind if I ask a question? Do we have to stop eating? Why do you let your husbands go to places like that? Think about the message that they're sending.
They're saying, you don't turn us on, so we'll just get stimulated elsewhere.
Well, that's sick.
It's disgusting.
It Oh, my God, is that John F.
Kennedy Jr.
? It's downright insulting.
Marcie, what is the big deal? All men go to strip clubs.
Not my Jefferson.
You may let the eyes of your men wander but I am more than enough woman for mine.
Did you see the headlights on that last stripper? How about the tail lights on the one with the tattoos? No.
No, no, no.
Those weren't tattoos.
Those were my fingerprints.
Okay, you guys go ahead on in.
Now, in case Marcie's in there, remember, I wasn't with you.
I was working security at Wong's Dry Cleaning.
Okay, guys, it's time to face the wives.
All right, now remember this, men.
Just as a man's eyes must adjust to the light when he's been in the dark so, too, must a man's eyes adjust to his wife when he's been in the nudie bar.
Ergo, do not look directly at them.
Let's do it.
Hey, Peg.
Hi, guys.
How was the club? The same thing.
You know, it's no big deal.
Just a minute.
Now, tell me, what do you guys get out of going to strip clubs? We get out of the house.
Seriously, Al.
Come on now, Peg.
Don't let Foghorn Leghorn here make an issue out of this.
It's no big deal.
Oh, hey, guys.
I just got back from guarding stuff.
- Where have you been? - Jefferson.
They went to a strip club.
You make me sick.
Jefferson thinks it's a big deal, Al.
So tell us.
What do you do there? Nothing.
Sit and watch ladies dance and jump.
- And are they naked? - No! No, they're wearing those - What-you-call-its.
- Shoes? Well, all I can say is that if I ever caught my Jefferson going into a place like that, I would do things to him that would make Lorena Bobbitt toss her cookies.
And what do you do with those strippers? - Do you touch them? - No! No, we don't do anything with them that we wouldn't do with you.
And you know we don't touch you.
That's just the point.
Marcie says the only reason you go there is because we don't turn you on anymore.
Oh, she does, does she? Well, how ridiculous is that? You people don't turn us on anymore.
Anyway, ladies while it may seem that the nudie bar is a place where men go to watch surgically-altered hooters sway oddly to bad music.
In reality it is a place where men go to relax and unwind and watch surgically-altered hooters sway oddly to bad music, Peg.
Gee, Al, I guess we were misled.
- Sounds like totally innocent fun.
- You're right.
So I guess you wouldn't mind if we joined you? - Join us? - At the nudie bar? Well, sure.
We wanna relax and unwind too.
From what? Tearing open them packages of Ho Hos with your teeth all day? Exactly.
I mean, no! Take it or leave it, Al.
Either you take us with you the next time you go or you are never going there again.
And just how are you gonna stop us? We won't give you any money.
Well, that'll do it.
Al, are you nuts? Taking the wives to the nudie bar? They're gonna see how we act.
They'll kill us.
Jefferson, first of all, what makes you think I'm afraid of my wife? The fact that we're whispering about this in your garage.
Listen, I got this thing all worked out.
We're going to take them on Thursdays.
Thursday night? That's our bowling night.
And why do we go bowling on Thursday night? Because at the Jiggly Room, it's always A-cup night.
There's not a doctored yummy in the house.
Hence, we won't get excited.
But what if we do? Well, then try to imagine Jefferson's wife up on stage with no clothes on.
If that doesn't work, try to picture Jefferson up on stage with no clothes.
What if that doesn't work? Then you're out of the club.
Hi, I'm here for the commercial.
I'm Kelly Bundy, the Waist Away Girl.
Are you the hairdresser? No.
I'm a professional wrestler they've nicknamed "The Hairdresser.
" Oh, okay.
When the hairdresser gets here tell him that I'm supposed to be peppy for this commercial so I'd like kind of a windswept look.
Not too far off the face, but with the sides with a little bit more texture.
Okay? Done.
Thanks.
Excuse me.
I'm looking for the dressing rooms.
Oh, they're over in the producer's office.
But he's really stupid.
He had me try on 30 different outfits before he made up his mind.
Thanks.
Kelly Bundy to the set, please.
Hi, Kelly.
I'm your director.
Okay.
Okay.
When I say action, I want you to turn away from the fridge Iook into the camera, say: "And, baby, look at me now," then sip, go and say the flavour.
Can you do that for me? Is a bear Catholic? - Let's get started.
- Okay.
Places, please.
Oh, how will I know what the flavour is? - From the taste.
- Okay.
Waist Away Diet Ad, take one.
Action.
And, baby, look at me now.
Cow pie.
That's cherry.
You taste it.
I have.
Look, from now on we'll just label the cups.
Cups? How much of this bile do I have to drink? Action.
And, baby, look at me now.
Kiwi.
Cabbage.
Salmon.
Cut.
Well, this is it, dear.
This is where I go.
- Go right this way.
- Right this way, ladies.
Right this way.
- Jeez, what a dump.
- Oh, I don't know.
It's better than some of the restaurants Al's taken me to.
Jefferson, I still don't understand why you have to dress like that.
I'm a pillar of the community, Marcie.
I shouldn't be seen in places like this.
- Oh, hi, Jefferson.
- Hello, Mai Lin.
That's a relief.
I thought I was the only dry-cleaner security guard working undercover tonight.
Gee, Al, I can't believe you spend time in places like this.
I mean, what kind of example is this for our son? I gotta go.
Another emergency bypass, Dr.
Bundy? Yes.
Yes, it appears my beeper has just gone off.
Also.
I'll see you tomorrow.
"Good evening, patrons.
And welcome to the Jiggly Room where we present the finest in yada-yada-yada.
Our first A-cup tonight is a delectable little dish we like to call Shay Shay.
" Now, let's see.
Where did we leave off last week? We were discussing health-care reform, I believe.
Oh, yes.
I think Oh, excuse me, ma'am, I believe you dropped this.
We were weighing the benefits of medical malpractice torts against across-the-board employer insurance contributions.
Yes.
I'd like a bowl of your freshest air-popped popcorn, please.
And I'd like an unflavoured mineral water with a lemon wedge.
Two beers.
Gee, Al, I have to admit this isn't anything like I thought it would be.
I know.
Usually it's a little more civilized in here but when talk turns to health care, damn it, I become an animal! Ginger or Mary Ann? Mary Ann.
Gilligan or Mrs.
Howell? Well, that depends.
How long we been on this island? Al, we have to apologize.
I really thought you came down here to ogle these women.
But if this is how you're gonna act, you can have it.
Come on, girls.
Oh, no, no, Peg.
No, now wait a minute here.
Don't go.
Ike is about to start a conversation on auto repair.
Now you just stay seated here, the night's still young.
"And now, the Jiggly Room presents a very special treat.
She is usually here on Saturdays but this week she'll be getting married.
To me.
And here she is, the two, the only Rocki Mountains.
" Oh, my God.
Helen, you still here? Go home.
Would someone please tell me who on earth would find that sexy? Men, get ahold of yourselves.
Get a grip.
Who's man enough to climb the Rockies? I can't take it anymore! It's party time! Boy, Louise is gonna kill him when he gets home, huh, Helen? Hey, Al, you think the wives will ever let us come back to this place again? It'll be where they dump the bodies after they gut us in our sleep.
We can't go on dancing like this forever.
What'll we do? What we all know we have to do.
- You mean? - I'm afraid so.
Oh, Charlie.
Oh, Ike.
Oh, Bob Rooney.
Oh, Al.
Oh, Mr.
Lincoln.
Hey, buddy you up for the Jiggly Room tonight? No, Jefferson, I'm all jigglied out.
Hey, guys, guess what it's time for.
Armageddon? No, better.
It is the world premiere of my Waist Away Diet commercial.
Man, when people see my face in this commercial the offers are gonna rain down like halves and pogs.
I'm I'm gonna be huge.
Will Waist Away work for you? Ask former heavyweight, Diane Graham.
Other diets let me down.
So I tried Waist Away.
And, baby, look at me now.
That's not my head.
They didn't use my head.
And remember, I'm not just a Waist Away client I'm the president of the company's daughter.
Now, now, pumpkin, you know that life is full of little setbacks.
Now You You just have to stand tall and And learn to face them with courage and And dignity, huh? Oh, Al, look what we got at the Hungry Undie? Your favourite, Jefferson.
Butterscotch.