Seinfeld s09e14 Episode Script

Maura, I want you to know, I've given this a lot of thought.
I'm sorry, but we have to break up.
No.
- What's that? - We're not breaking up.
We're not? No.
All right.
- She said no? - She said no.
What did you do? What could I do? We fooled around and went to a movie.
George, both parties don't have to consent to a breakup.
It's not like you're launching missiles and you both have to turn your keys.
You didn't make a convincing case.
Let me hear your arguments.
- Well, I don't really like her.
- That's good.
- I don't find her attractive.
- Solid.
- I'd like to sleep with other women.
- Always popular.
Sometimes at restaurants she talks to her food.
"Oh, Mr.
Mashed Potatoes, you are so good.
" You have an airtight case.
- And in bed - I'm afraid we're out of time.
- Hey.
- What? Check these out.
These are Jerry Lewis' old cufflinks that he wore in the movie Cinderfella.
I got them at an auction.
I got some cufflinks I could have loaned you.
Jerry Lewis is gonna be at this Friars Club roast I'm going to.
Now I have an in to strike up a conversation.
You already have an in.
You have the same first name.
Jerry.
Oh, that'll intrigue him.
Well, it worked when I met George Peppard last week.
George Peppard has been dead for years.
Well, whoever he was, he knew a lot about The A-Team.
So you would choose your last meal based on the method of execution? Right, if I was getting the chair l'd go for something hot and spicy, you know? Thai, maybe Mexican.
Lethal injection, feels like pasta.
You know, it's painless, I don't want anything too heavy.
So why don't we get together some time? Oh, sure.
Why don't you give me your number? I think it'd be better if I called you.
Oh, okay.
Maybe we could grab some lunch sometime.
- Do you work around here or? - No, not really.
So is there anything you can tell me about yourself? I think you're very beautiful.
That'll do.
What about Puddy? I haven't talked to him in like three weeks.
I think it might be over.
- So, what's this guy about? - I don't know.
He wouldn't tell me his phone number, where he worked.
I'll bet he's in a relationship.
Or he's a crime fighter safeguarding his secret identity.
Elaine, you could be dating the Green Lantern.
- Which one is he? - Green suit, power ring.
I don't care for jewelry on men.
Hey, it happened again.
Another robbery in the building.
So you bought a cooler? No, it's a strongbox to protect my irreplaceables.
And what would those be? Some taxidermy that's been in my family for generations.
My Tony, my military discharge.
You were in the Army? Briefly.
Now, I gotta find a good place to hide this key because if somebody finds this, they hold the key to all my possessions.
- Literally.
- Literally? What's that supposed to mean? - You mind if I hide this somewhere? - No, go ahead.
- A little privacy, huh? - Oh, come on.
Come on, this is a security issue.
You wouldn't last a day in the Army.
- How long did you last? - Well, that's classified.
Hey, what if he's married? - Kramer? - No, the Green Lantern.
Okay.
So you would date a married guy? That's so hacky.
Well, I don't know.
I may never marry.
This might be the closest I get.
You peeked.
This is your hiding place? It was under a spoon.
And so, for all these reasons, we are officially broken up.
Thank you and good night.
No, George, we're not.
But I proved it.
I refuse to give up on this relationship.
It's like launching missiles from a submarine.
Both of us have to turn our keys.
Well, then I am gonna have to ask you to turn your key.
I'm sorry, George.
I can't do that.
Turn your key, Maura.
Turn your key.
So how is a guy like you not involved? I might ask you the same thing.
That's true.
Maybe he's not married.
Oh, that is so sweet.
How long do I have to hold this? - Oh, no.
- Who is it? No one.
No one.
Here, let me show you a shortcut.
Come on.
Married.
That's it, I'm chucking the flower.
Jerry.
Jerry! Elaine, what are you doing down there? You didn't hear me buzzing? Oh, I guess it's broken.
Throw down your key.
It's liable to bounce and go into a sewer.
I'll catch it.
You'll chicken out at the last second.
Yeah, you're right.
Well, will you at least keep me company until somebody comes out? All right.
Hey, you know what's weird? I used to be able to have a huge meal and go right to sleep.
I can't anymore.
Nodding off! Well, I was right.
He's an adulterer.
And he's cheating on his wife with me.
We haven't done anything yet.
I'm hungry.
Can you throw something down? All right.
Here.
I'm gonna try and fix the buzzer.
It went in the sewer.
- Hey.
- What are you doing? You jammed your key in here.
You shorted out my intercom.
You just had to go looking for it, didn't you? See, you hate it that I have a little secret.
Anything I do, you gotta know all about it.
You're so obsessed with me.
I'm gonna go let Elaine in.
What are you doing with her? - Kramer.
- Security issue.
- Oh, hey, you got in.
- Yeah.
- Flirted with the menu guy.
Here.
- Oh, thanks.
That wasn't me.
So he's definitely married, huh? Boy, I would loved to have been there when you told him off.
Oh, come on.
Well, he could be a superhero.
You should have seen him run.
Okay.
All right, Jerry.
Let's see if you can get it in your head that this is not an Easter egg hunt for your childish amusement.
Jerry.
George, the buzzer's broken.
I'll come down.
I believe this belongs to you.
Where did you get that? I bought it.
- Thanks.
- I'm sorry.
- I don't know you.
- What? There's have been some robberies in the building.
I can't let you in.
But I live here.
I ran out to buy some bird seed and I forgot my key.
Sounds like a scam.
I'm very sorry.
So I broke up with Maura.
It's done.
I'm out.
Great.
You're lonely and miserable again.
It feels right.
Is that guy still there? - He's staring at us.
- Don't look at him.
We don't hear that.
- Want a bite? - No, I don't.
That ginger ale at the coffee shop is just Coke and Sprite mixed together.
How can I prove it? Damn it, I can't.
Damn it.
Hi, honey.
What? Maura, what are you doing here? I ended this relationship twice.
George, you didn't mean that.
That was just a fight.
Why does it always seem like I'm the only one working at this breakup? George, I listened to your arguments and they were rambling and flimsy.
I'm not convinced.
Come on, get dressed and let's get some dinner.
All right.
Mr.
Apple, you have a brown spot.
So this is your little love nest? It's nothing special, just a little place I keep.
Should I light a fire? That sounds romantic.
I'm having a little problem with the heat.
I got some cardboard out here.
This is wrong.
I should go.
- Can you get that, please? - Oh, sure.
Where's Glenn? You're the woman from the street, and I am so sorry.
You know, I'm not really a homewrecker.
I thought he was a superhero.
I swear.
Lady, I'm not his wife.
I'm his welfare caseworker.
Is he home? - This is his home? - Yes.
- So he's - Poor.
I think this will burn.
- So you do live here.
- Yeah.
- You live on this floor? - Yeah.
- So you live right there.
- Yeah.
So I guess I'll He wouldn't give me his number, because he doesn't have a phone.
He's not married.
He's poor.
Is he wretchedly poor? Does he wear one of those barrels with the straps? He probably busted it up and burned it for heat.
So when are you giving Boxcar Willie his walking papers? How can I end it over money? I feel bad.
Well, let's think.
Have you dealt with the poor in any other situation? Yes.
There was this homeless guy who used to urinate on our garbage cans.
Good.
How did you handle that? We gave him a few bucks.
He goes in the alley across the street.
Same situation.
Pay him off and you're clean.
Well, I am not paying Glenn off to get out of this relationship.
What am I supposed to do? Just walk into his hovel and hand him Well, how much do you think it would be? - Hey.
- Hey, where have you been? Seeing Maura.
Apparently, I was unable to break up beyond a reasonable doubt.
If only he could have been cheating on his wife.
You know, things would have been so much simpler.
- Who's this? Blue Arrow? - Green Lantern.
We found out his superpower was lack of money.
- All right.
- He's invulnerable to creditors.
- We get it.
- He's the Got-No-Green Lantern.
Thank you.
Hey, Elaine.
Maybe his girlfriend is Lois Loan.
Well crafted.
Hey, maybe this cheating thing is what I could use to ditch Maura.
- Tell Maura you're having an affair.
- She's like a district attorney.
If it's not the truth, I'll break under the cross.
I actually have to do it.
Could you move over there? Hey, there's this secretary at work that always had a crush on me.
How come you never pursued her before? She's too tan.
It's the middle of the winter, she's like a carrot.
- Did I leave my glasses? - He can wipe out his account in a single bounce.
- Keep them.
There's a giant parrot in the hallway.
- It's Phil's.
- Who? Our neighbor that you turned against.
I told him it would be fine if he wanted to let it stretch its wings in the hallway.
What did you tell him that for? Since you've been playing God with the front door l've been trying to smooth things out, Jerry.
- I was just hanging out at his place.
- Really? What's it like? Is it nicer? Where does he have the couch? Well, I don't know, but the key problem is solved.
- I hid it at Phil's.
- He let you? No, he doesn't know.
See, I hid it without telling him.
So Phil won't be compulsively looking for it like some people.
You.
So you say you've been in the city all winter? I was in Maine for a couple days.
Well here we are.
George, I've always fantasized about jumping into bed with you.
But I don't wanna spoil things by sleeping with you too soon.
Are you sure? Because it could really help me out of a jam.
I wanna build something with you, George.
Oh, not more building.
And I won't take no for an answer.
- No? - No.
All right.
What are we doing in this alley, anyway? It's a surprise.
- What are you doing? What is that? - It's a bag of doughnuts.
- It's garbage.
- No, no.
When they make the new ones, the old ones come out right here.
All right, that's it.
- How do you spell your last name? - It's a bear claw.
You have no idea how rare this is.
I'll make it out to cash.
How about 200 bucks? Two-fifty? Make it 300.
You know, Elaine you're the bear claw in the garbage bag of my life.
Oh, Glenn.
- Hi, is Phil here? - Yeah, I'm here.
Phil.
Hi.
I know we got off to kind of a bad start, but your bird which is lovely, by the way, made a mess on my door.
And? I thought maybe you'd clean it up or your maid there.
That's my wife.
All right, I think we're done here.
So you're in a relationship with a woman you don't like and you're having an affair with a woman that won't have sex.
This isn't going well.
I cannot find my Jerry Lewis cufflinks.
Without them, I have no in.
You don't need the cufflinks.
You have the same name.
Jerry.
Where are you going? Help me look.
It's a big night.
I'm ice-skating with one and going to a staged reading of Godspell with the other.
- Which is with who? - It doesn't matter.
Yeah, you clean up nice.
I can't go until I find my cufflinks.
Yeah.
See, I knew you would lose them.
That's why I took them out of your drawer and put them in my strongbox.
You're a lifesaver.
Would you get them, please? We'll stop by Phil's, pick up the key.
Hey, what's going on? Fredo is dead.
That strange Portuguese guy that lives next to the incinerator? No, my bird.
We just got back from the pet cemetery.
Oh, Phil.
Mrs.
Phil.
I'm so sorry.
Oh, I'll bet you are.
They told us he was poisoned.
Something in his food.
But I didn't Kramer, they think I killed Fredo.
And who buries a bird? Yeah, just give it to the Portuguese guy and he puts it in the incinerator.
Just get the key and let's get out of here.
You know, it's a funny thing about that bird dying.
I hid the key in Fredo's food dish.
That's a weird coincidence.
- Kramer.
- What? You killed Fredo.
Fredo was weak and stupid.
He shouldn't have eaten that key.
Kramer, I need those cufflinks but now they're in the box and the key is in the bird.
What are we gonna do? You just answered your own question.
- Oh, no.
- I'll get the shovel.
The actor that played Jesus made some odd choices.
What? I mean, I had fun ice-skating.
- George.
- Maura.
Oh, my God, what are you doing here? You told me to meet you here.
I'm caught in my own web of lies.
- I'm Maura.
- I'm Loretta.
You wanna join us? This is all blowing up in my face.
My serious girlfriend and my torrid love affair have accidentally crossed paths.
I have ruined three lives.
Well, I understand if you never wanna see me again.
So What we have is too important.
We can work through this.
So can we.
What? - So this is still not over? - No.
- You? - No.
All right.
Elaine, oh, wow.
A TV, a stereo.
Yeah, and I got you a cord of wood so you won't have to burn them.
Oh, my God, Alison.
You're home early.
- Who is this? - His wife.
You're poor and married.
Looks like it.
Who the hell are you? I guess I'm Lois Loan.
I can't believe we're grave robbers.
"Man's best friend.
" Jerry, I want something like that on my tombstone.
Oh, my God, here he is.
I don't wanna dig him up.
All right, then you're the one getting the key out of him.
I'll dig.
Listen, I heard that Lassie number three's buried here.
I'm gonna go check it out.
Well, that was easy.
All right, honey, one last look, then you have to let Fredo rest in peace.
Hey, Kramer.
I dug Fredo out.
Now let's cut him open.
Oh, my God.
Hey, neighbor.
All right.
I'm gonna try giving them $55 each.
What do you think? Give me 40.
You'll never see me again.
So, what are you gonna do? Are you gonna live here, or move out or what? I'll just take the fire escape to get in and out of the building.
So, what's in the cooler? Well, will you look at that.
I guess I forgot to lock it.
You mean, it was open? We desecrated a pet cemetery for nothing? Well, this is one for the books, huh, Jerry? Really one for the books.