Bob's Burgers s09e15 Episode Script

1 Gene, Tina, hurry up.
Those eggs aren't gonna eat themselves.
But they will eat this bacon.
Eat it.
Eat it! I'm leaving for school in three minutes with or without you, and I'm the only one - who knows the way.
- We know the way.
You turn left where that cloud looks like a dolphin.
Louise, what's the big rush to get to school? Because I only get to be principal for one day, and I don't want to miss a minute of it.
Oh, yeah, your big prize.
For selling the most candy bars in that school thing.
My little Glengarry Glen Louise.
I busted my ass hawking that choc.
And possibly broke some laws.
Four bucks for a candy bar? I can get you onto Sweet Street for three.
Instead of a dumb tip for my mom, how about some chocolate for your mom? Chocolate bars! Get your chocolate bars! Very unofficial treat of the Wonderdogs.
Hello.
Bye! Wait a minute.
You sold me so many.
And I'm beginning to think there never was a golden ticket.
So, sweetie, what are you gonna do as principal? Oh, you know, abuse my power - to the fullest extent.
- Cool.
But my number-one goal? The Cabinet of Confiscation.
What's the Cabinet of Confiscation? It's a year's worth of priceless loot confiscated from students.
All in one place: Principal Spoors' office.
The fidget spinners alone are worth millions.
We're talking inappropriate comic books, fireworks, fake vomit.
That's my favorite kind of vomit.
Um, Louise, I guess something else you could get out of being principal is learning about, you know, leadership and responsibility.
Oh.
Uh, yeah, I agree.
Good stuff, Bob.
Uh, I'm the good parent.
Everyone remember that.
Let's roll! I'm driving.
Morning, Ms.
Schnur.
Coffee, two sugars.
Actually, seven sugars.
You know what? Just make it sugar.
- Excuse me? - We're about to dive into my First Hundred Minutes agenda, so you may want to hit the bathroom before we start.
First off, I only go at home.
Kids aren't the only ones who have trouble going at school.
Second, I don't work for you, Louise.
How about a little less chitchat, babe? - Weird.
- There she is.
Principal for a Day.
Uh, why is my door locked? - Your door? - Principal? You know you're not really principal, right? - It's a ceremonial role.
- Ceremonial? You get to supervise the flag-raising, water the school plant, phone in today's attendance to the district.
That's a fun voice mail to leave.
Ordinarily, Principal Spoors would walk you through your day, but he's attending a leadership conference.
Leadership.
- Wha ? - Nothing.
All right.
Let's get this crap show on the road.
I've got counseling to do.
I'm breaking in a new therapy doll: Online Shamin' Damon.
Whew! What a full day of being principal.
It's only 9:15.
I haven't done anything yet.
You still have the flag-lowering at 3:00, so get your backpack and go be a regular below-average student for six hours.
What a rip-off! Ms.
Schnur, do you have a bobby pin I can borrow? Like, this one? I could probably spare that one.
Ooh, that's a nice paper clip.
- You've got taste, lady.
- Thank you.
Ms.
Schnur, your nephew Has he done anything lately? Nathan? Oh, my God.
- Where to begin? - Just begin.
He got into magic camp, this kid.
- Mmm.
- Not the sleepover one.
Uh, he's got some issues, but Hi, Teddy.
Why are you, um Do you do you need something? No, uh, just watching.
Sometimes I pretend this cutout is a TV screen and I'm watching a cooking show called Mustache Kitchen.
- Ooh, I'd watch that.
- Uh I mean, they're-they're hit or miss, but this episode's pretty good.
Bob's flipping burgers, moving stuff around.
-Oh, my God.
-Where'd you learn your spatula technique? I mean, is it all in the wrist? Your delicate wrists? Or the forearm? How do you do it? I-I don't know.
I mean, I don't really, uh, think about it.
I just, uh, do it, I think.
Oops.
Huh.
- Huh - Huh, that's-that's weird.
All right, um, this next flip will be fine.
Oh, crap, I broke that one in half.
Bob, what's going on? - What'd you do to those burgers? - I don't know.
I was fine, then Teddy started asking me stupid questions and got me - Not stupid.
- Thinking about it, and now I can't flip a burger.
No, no, no, Teddy.
Don't ask Bob questions.
His brain's not built for that.
When I met him, he could tie a tie.
Then I asked him to show me how, and he couldn't tie a tie for five years.
Boy, this is a really interesting Mustache Kitchen.
And then last month, Nathan entered the New Yorker caption contest - Uh-huh, yeah.
- And was robbed, in my opinion and everyone's opinion.
- Cabinet of Confiscation.
- The winning one - was not even good.
- Combination lock? No! What are you doing in here? I'm being the fricking principal.
But you're not, though.
My God, Spoors' private bathroom.
I've never seen the inside.
Spoors doesn't share his bathroom with his poor secretary with the shy bladder? It's not my bladder.
But no, he doesn't.
Ms.
Schnur, I'm here.
You're here.
The bathroom is here.
And Principal Spoors isn't.
So why don't you tell me the combination to that lock? - Only Spoors knows it.
- Ugh! All right.
Pivoting to the rest of my agenda.
Ah.
I would like some blank "from the office of the principal" letterhead.
- Oh.
- Mm-hmm.
How about you enjoy some time in the private bathroom while I enjoy some time cranking out some very official memos.
Everybody wins.
The toilet loses.
There's a stack of letterhead in that drawer.
Looks like we've both got some work to do.
See you on the other side Principal Louise.
Check it out, peeps.
New class schedule.
Straight from the principal's office.
Double recess? No more study hall? How do you like our educational system now, Norway? And double lunch.
Now I can chew my food like I'm supposed to.
Wow.
Louise is actually doing it.
If she's really gonna be the principal, I'm gonna be the prance-able.
Now I can drive Uber for 15 minutes instead of ten.
Wh-What's all the hubbub? Louise can't do this.
It's "from the office of the principal.
" It looks official, right? If we want it to, which we do.
She's gone rogue.
- No prancing in the hall! - Ah, boo.
Bob, we're getting a little behind here.
This one guy's been waiting.
I'm running out of excuses, so I told him our regular chef is away and you're his dumb twin.
I'm doing my best, Lin.
Damn it! Bob, I-I think I know what this is.
- You've got the yips.
- Yips? What are yips? They're a mental block that pro athletes get.
Like that baseball catcher who got so in his head, he couldn't even throw the ball back to the pitcher.
He had to walk it back while everyone booed.
Flip yips! Flipping burgers is literally the only thing I'm good at.
Teddy, what do those sports guys with the yips do to get better? Oh, there's all kinds of therapies.
They change their grip, do breathing exercises, hypnosis, but mostly they retire in shame 'cause none of that stuff works.
Oh, crap.
Ah I just came over here for some peace and quiet.
My restaurant's packed and loud.
Zoom! - Go away, Jimmy.
- Yeah, go away.
It's a bad time.
So, like, uh, every day? Nothing's going on with Bob, that's for sure.
Oh, yeah, Bob looks sweatier than usual.
What, is he having a baby back there? - Bob's got the yips, Jimmy.
- Lin, stop.
He can't flip a burger, but we still love him.
Bob's got yips! Like that, uh, catcher I used to boo.
Hilarious.
-Can I get a burger? -Ooh, geez.
I don't know.
Can he, Bob? Hey, yip yip yip yip yip yip yip yip yip yip yip yip yip! Yeah, you have the go-ahead.
You can start building the pool right away.
And we're gonna go with three crazy slides.
I don't want sane slides.
Okay, Principal Louise.
Fun's over.
Uh, my office hours aren't till this afternoon, Phillip.
Oh, I guess I could come back No! What am I saying? Get out of that chair.
Why don't you have a lollipop and we'll talk this over.
Talking it over, no.
Lollipop, yes.
Well, I'm not budging from this seat, so Just roll with it, Louise.
Damn it.
This is lime, not sour apple.
You're not supposed to go in that bathroom.
- How was it? - Paradise.
Where's Principal Louise? There is no Principal Louise.
Attention, faculty and students.
This is Principal Louise.
Recess is now tripled.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! Louise, what if - we turn PE into - Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Oh, and PE will now be sensual reggae dance hour.
Mm! Ooh, Louise, can it be Wacky Hat Day? Oh, it's just that, Gene, where are people supposed to get hats on short notice? Please give me this! - It's Wacky Hat Day.
- Yes! - Louise, Mr.
Frond is coming.
- Also, Mr.
Frond has hidden a five-dollar bill in his shoe.
First student to get it out of there can take it home! - I don't have money in my shoes! - Give it to me! She's getting away! New policy.
Henceforth, all teachers have to speak "Have to speak with an Italian accent.
" Cool.
"Passing notes is allowed.
" Nice.
That's my medium.
"Gum chewing is now a class.
" Oh, my God, I might graduate.
First lunch is over.
Second lunch begins.
Bon appetoots! Attention! All tetherballs shall be untethered - and set free! - It's chaos.
I'm Tammy, and I'm here with Louise, our popular Principal for a Day.
I'm also popular.
Did you think I would ever talk to you? Of course I hoped not, Tammy, but I'm everyone's principal.
Hmm.
Jocelyn is in the hall, getting some reactions to your day.
I'm passing some of my best notes.
Yeah, Zeke's on fire.
Highly quotable.
Wacky Hat Day has been a huge success, despite what you might have heard! The scores on the quiz I gave today were the highest of the year.
I think the extra recess really helped the kids focus.
- What did I get? - Let's talk off the air.
Oh.
The news studio.
You can't go in there.
The light is on.
Ah! I've got you! I Where's Louise? She was just on TV.
She left already.
We're not live.
We're, like, on a delay, in case kids swear.
- Damn it! - Yeah, like that.
You know what, Schnur? I kind of got into this principal thing for myself, but I feel like I'm actually helping people? Is that crazy? The amount you have done in one day.
- And the amount you've done.
- Thank you.
Hey-oh.
Looking for Principal Spoors.
- You're not him.
- No, I am not.
I know that because you're a kid.
And because Principal Spoors is my brother-in-law.
- Who is that? - I'm Don, the new guidance counselor.
But we already have a guidance counselor, Mr.
Frond.
Yeah, that's probably the guy getting fired so I can have his job.
Mr.
Frond's getting fired? Am I dreaming? You're real, right? - Oh, I try to keep it real.
- Yeah, you do.
So you're Principal Spoors' brother-in-law? Yeah.
He married my sister.
Or I married his sister.
Anyway, one of those sisters nagged him into giving me a job.
Oy, Spoors always picks days he's out for people to be fired.
Then he makes me do it.
Wimp.
You're gonna fire Mr.
Frond right now? Can, uh, I watch? First, Mr.
Frond has to give Don his orientation.
The fired person orients the hired person before they know they're fired.
You get a much better orienting that way.
Yeah, I can see that.
Hi, Mr.
Frond.
This is Don.
He is joining our counseling department, and that's all I'm gonna say about that for now.
Finally, some help around here.
I've been begging Principal Spoors for months.
Yo-boy.
Okay, I'm gonna have to orient you quickly, Don, because I'm dealing with a bit of an emergency today.
Any questions before we get started? Yes.
Should I be paying attention, or is it enough if I nod every now and then like I'm getting it? - Um, pay attention? - Mm-hmm.
Look at him.
Mr.
Frond has no idea what's going on.
He's orienting his own executioner.
Like the old Domino's Pizza crust teaching the new Domino's Pizza crust how to be crusty.
So now's our chance to bust the Cabinet of Confiscation wide open.
Forget combinations.
We need overwhelming force.
Ah, Mr.
Branca.
Do you have a crowbar we could borrow? A personal crowbar or a work crowbar? Beware, my personal crowbar is haunted.
Okay, your work crowbar, then.
Oh, I got that one downstairs.
- Can we go get it? - No, it's here.
"Downstairs" is what I call my pants.
Crap! Stupid! No, no! Can I interest you in the Burger of the Day? - Oh, double crap! - It's fries.
Wait! I did it! Lin! I figured it out! Come see! - Oh, thank God.
- Yay, Bobby! It's just a little bit different.
I slide the spatula under the burger like normal.
Sure, right.
Then I bring in the second spatula.
Second spatula? And I kind of push it from one to the other.
Then I rest for a sec.
Whew.
Then I turn the handle of both spatulas Delicate Ta-da! Well? What do you think? It makes me feel sorry for you? It's kind of the burger-man equivalent of walking the ball back to the pitcher, right? -You think I don't know that, Teddy?! -Aah! Something's wrong with my brain! It's a very simple task, and I'm not even close.
I'm broken! And you did this! You did this, Teddy! Bob, Bob, Bob, hey.
- Easy.
Come here.
- Oh! Hold me! There, there.
There he is.
Ow! Ow! Easy with those spatulas! It's slow, but I think we're getting there.
That's the name of my one-man show.
So how about I take all the truly messed-up kids and you tackle Peter Pescadero? He's got a weird belly button, and about every three weeks or so, a kid sees it.
I don't know.
My belly button's perfect, and he might sense that.
Ms.
Schnur will take your picture for your I.
D.
card.
And that completes your orientation.
Oy.
So, Mr.
Frond What's that? Louise! The Cabinet of Confiscation! - Mr.
Branca's work crowbar! - Did you do it? Not yet.
I was just in my windup.
- Do what? - Aw, you poor, poor man.
Poor me? Poor you! All right, I'm just gonna say it.
Don is here to replace you.
Nice try.
Don is completely unqualified.
That's not what my mom says.
Damn it, I meant to say "your mom.
" Mr.
Frond, Ms.
Schnur's gonna ask you to take a walk with her.
No, she's not.
Let's take a little walk, Mr.
Frond.
Seriously? That's how I feel any time I have to walk anywhere.
- But I love my job.
- Ew.
Fine.
Make sure Eli gets his placebo Ritalin.
It's, uh, a raisin.
If Jessica gets ragey before lunch, it's just low blood sugar.
Give her a raisin.
Mr.
Frond will be okay, right? He could probably do with some time off.
And Don, he's gonna work out great for us as a guidance counselor.
He's dumb, and he doesn't give a crap.
Unlike Mr.
Phillip "Cares Too Much" Frond.
I've never heard his full name.
- It's pretty.
- He's always busting his butt, doing his best to actually counsel kids, the big, dopey son of a I don't feel as great about this as I want to.
Whew.
I'm glad to hear you say that.
It's kind of what I was feeling, but you're the principal, and I guess I'm intimidated by authority.
I was totally on the same page, too.
Uh, glad you both finally came around.
Huh, something's written on a piece of tape on the back of this lock.
"One, one, one, one.
" He wrote the combination on the back of the lock? And we never turned the lock over? And he couldn't remember "one, one, one, one"? It's everything we ever dreamed of.
- Whoopee cushions.
- Cans of Jolt.
Rubber snake.
Oh, no, that's a dead real one.
Guys, listen.
We can either have the best afternoon of our lives playing with this stuff, or we can save Frond's job while I'm still principal.
There's not time to do both.
Can I at least make the dead snake - sit on the whoopee cushion? - All right, real quick.
Okay, let's go.
Principal Spoors comes back tomorrow.
So we've only got to the end of the day to make Don gone.
It's almost 2:00.
There's no time to waste.
Wait.
Wasting time.
That gives me an idea.
What's the biggest time waster of all at school? That thing I do where I take all my pencils to the bathroom and give them each a little bath? No, assemblies.
As principal, I'll call a special assembly to give Frond a fond farewell.
A Frond-well, for short.
And to welcome the new guidance counselor.
Oh, my God, that sounds like just a super thoughtful thing to do? It won't be thoughtful.
But it will be super.
Okay, sounding more ominous now, the way you said it.
Bob, Linda! I think I got it! - What? What, Teddy? - All Bob can think of is how he's gonna mess up the burger.
So he does! He needs something else to fill his brain.
Like that baseball movie with Kevin Costner.
- Oh, yeah, Bill Durham.
- Bull.
Don't say that till you hear the idea, Bob.
No.
The mo the char Forget it.
So, not Bill Durham, but the other guy, the pitcher, was crazy wild.
So to take his mind off it, that lady gave him her underwear.
Bob's not wearing my underwear.
I got them stretched out just the way I like them.
No, no.
You don't have to wear Linda's underwear.
-Okay.
-I'm talking about Jimmy's Pesto's.
Oh, my God.
Wait.
How did you get those? I bribed his bartender Trev to sneak them out of Jimmy's gym bag.
Now I got to build Trev a pretty intricate doghouse.
Well, I'm not wearing those, either.
Bob, you gotta try.
Put that Pesto in your pants.
It's our only hope.
Are they clean? They are not.
Hi.
Acting Principal Louise here.
You're welcome.
As you may have heard, Mr.
Frond is leaving the school he's been at forever.
He's the pest in the vest who's always distressed.
He's Mr.
Frond.
A few words? Uh, I'm disappointed but undaunted.
So, tomorrow, I get up, get dressed, blank space, blank space, go to bed early.
Oh, my God, I have no idea what to do.
Except keep it from Mother.
- Hot mic, Mr.
F.
! - Huh? Oh, yes.
I-I'm gonna go pack up my office.
That zen garden isn't gonna travel well.
Now let's meet our new guidance counselor.
Don.
Where do you guys go to school? Oh.
Here.
Right.
Jokes.
Thank you.
Good night.
Don, since you're up here, maybe you could take a few counseling questions from students? Oh, I don't think anybody wants to, uh, hear - We got one here, Don.
- Okay.
My hamster got killed by our Roomba, and I'm having trouble moving on.
Young girl's first experience with death.
Don? Uh I'll have to come back to that, I think.
Young man here has a question about puberty.
Ever since I started getting hair on my You know what? Let's go back to the, uh, hamster girl.
I have one over here, Don.
A friend of mine is asthmatic, and his parents are divorced.
He's wondering if maybe it's the asthma's fault? - Uh yeah, maybe.
- What? My brothers are twins, but there's only one of me, and it feels like a rip-off.
Where's my twin, Don? Where's my twin? I'm right here, Jay-Ju.
I got you.
You don't look like me! Not a criteria for friendship.
I get it.
Can I can I get a glass of some water, please? We're a school, not a five-star restaurant, Don.
He was lying there with his little legs in the air.
Just like when I found Grandpa.
Why does everything die? You know, I think mic cut out Uh, no.
Mic's working fine for me.
All right, Don, answer the questions.
How's banana hands doing? Zoom! Show's over, Jimmy.
Bob got yip therapy.
Yeah, right.
No, Jimmy, I'm back.
Square in the middle of the grill.
- That's my Bobby.
- Fluke.
Fluke you, Jimmy.
Bob's all better.
- And it's thanks to you, pal.
- Thanks to me.
You helped me in a very intimate way.
Don't say "intimate.
" Come on.
You eating? It's on me.
The burgers are on me.
I'm not talking about something else being on me.
But I could.
You know, you're being weird.
If I wanted weird, I'd listen to Trev talk about some crazy doghouse he's getting.
I've enjoyed our brief time, Jimmy.
Go back to underwear you came from.
Stop saying things I-I don't get.
I'm leaving.
Have fun with your stupid words.
Bye.
Hey, Bob.
Any way I could get a turn in those things? I got to fix a roof tomorrow.
I could use any help I could get.
- Mmm - Aw, Bob, let Teddy wear 'em.
He's gonna do a roof.
All right.
But I want them back.
- You're the one who copies me.
- You copy me, Jocelyn.
Sorry.
Who had brown hair until she met me -and now she's blonde? -I'd have to look at you to copy you.
-I don't even like to look at you.
Whatever.
-Whatever.
Best friends in crisis.
Don? I I left an ice cream cake in my trunk.
All right.
It's not a friend.
It's me.
Good assembly.
Did Peter Pescadero confess to a crime? Ah.
Don just quit.
Says a tree fell on him.
- Aw.
- Great, great.
Now let's find Mr.
Frond.
He left the assembly early.
Come on.
- Mr.
Frond, stop.
- Not now, Louise.
I just want to go home and get in the bath with my cats.
We've got a major situation.
- Don quit.
- What? He did? So the school needs a guidance counselor.
I'm only gonna be principal for three more minutes.
I want the last thing I do to be hiring you back.
You have no authority to offer me a job, Louise.
- Hmm, in that case - I accept.
Thank God.
Good negotiation.
Maybe you should've asked for a better parking place? Come on.
Let's move you back into your office.
It's a good thing you didn't grab all your stuff yet.
- This is all my stuff.
- Oh.
You know, Louise, as a principal today, you were actually pretty good.
Thanks, Mr.
Frond.
You're pretty good.
For noticing that.
Whoops! It's fine.
Don't look.
I'm doin' a dance 'Cause I got Pesto in my pants - Ah, ah - I'm doin' a dance 'Cause I got Pesto in my pants Ah, ah My burgers would not flip My spatula had yips But now I have no more care In tight Italian underwear - I'm doin' a dance - He's doin' a dance - 'Cause I got Pesto in my pants - Give it up - Give it up, give it up - I'm doin' a dance.