Frasier s09e15 Episode Script

FRASIER: You sure you wanna do this without Daphne? When Lilith and I got engaged, she insisted on being involved with the ring selection process.
I appreciate your concern, but I wanna surprise her.
How about this one? It's nice and sparkling.
- That's an earring, Dad.
MARTIN: Huh? - Oh.
Guess I better put on my glasses.
- Yes.
Aah.
Niles, prepare to relinquish your breath.
- Which one? - That right there.
Next to the gaudy one? The gaudy one? All right, all right, which do you like? Something more along the lines of that one, with the feathered band.
- All right? What do you think? - It's good I'm here to talk you out of it.
I think I'm starting to regret bringing you along at all.
- I think it's a godsend - No, how much? Gentlemen, I'm sure we can find something that will bring you both a lifetime of happiness.
Oh, no, they're not a couple.
My son Niles is here to pick out an engagement ring for his girlfriend Daphne.
And Frasier, who's been married twice, just came along to help him.
I'm very sorry.
I'll come back when you've had more time to look around.
Where did that come from? I mean, really, to just assume something like that out of the blue.
[IN UNISON.]
Latent.
Well, you gotta admit, it wasn't such a big leap, given the situation.
And just what is that supposed to? [GASPS.]
What bejewelled seraph has escaped her provenance now? I'm gonna go see if there's a line at the Orange Julius.
I have several candidates, but before you turn up your nose at this That's it.
Right there.
That's Daphne's ring.
The very one I was going to show you.
- Stylish.
- Classic.
Stunning.
Daphne.
Uh, excuse me? - I'd like to see that one, please.
- Excellent choice, sir.
- Know her ring size? - Even better.
Her ring finger is exactly the same size as mine.
Oh.
Well, perhaps you should try this on then.
Yeah.
Ha, ha.
Oh, it's Oh.
Oh! I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
I'm a little nervous.
It just hit me, what this all means.
FRASIER: Ow.
- Oh.
- What happened? - Just my back.
It's been acting up the last week.
- You want me to give you a hand up? - No, no, no, here.
Here's the ring.
- All right.
- I'll just stay here for a moment.
Ah.
Does it fit? - Look, here, let me help.
- No, I got it.
FRASIER: Come on.
Come on.
Oh, Niles.
Frasier, it's perfect.
You know, I always dreamed this would happen.
No, wait.
They're not a couple.
NILES [MOUTHING.]
: Look.
Oh, jeez.
[NILES SIGHS.]
[CRIES.]
[SNIFFLES.]
Okay.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
[CRYING.]
Hey, Niles.
- Is something wrong? - No, no, l Oh, my God.
- Is that Daphne's proposal? - What? No, I haven't I don't What are you? Frasier told me.
- Ugh.
That gossiping ninny.
- Don't worry, he swore me to secrecy.
I swore him to secrecy.
So how's it coming? I'm afraid I've poured so much emotion into this speech, I don't know if I can say it all without crying.
Oh, that's okay.
Women like a man who isn't afraid to shed a few tears.
Last time I got all the way through it, I got dehydrated.
Well, maybe if you cut it down a little bit, you could get through it before the waterworks start.
- Let me take a look? - Oh.
Well, what about this paragraph here? And aren't words like "hopeless" and "despairing" kind of a downer in a proposal? This is where I describe my life before I met her.
See? And then comes the part where she comes along, and the metre changes to a more sprightly iambic.
ROZ: Hmm.
- Now my life has meaning.
[ROZ LAUGHS.]
Things that never made sense before, suddenly are clear.
It's all because of this wonderful woman.
It's all right.
I'm sure there's other stuff we can cut.
Thank you.
Okay, like here.
I mean, now, do you really have to compare her to three different roses? Well, which one would you have me eliminate? The one that represents her beauty, or her passion, or her? Her sense of humour? Niles, you're just making this too complicated.
You know, all we really want is for a guy to get down on one knee, and say, "I love you.
Will you be my wife?" [CRYING.]
[GLASSES CLINKING.]
FRASIER: Excellent.
Nice bite.
Smooth, oakey blend.
Mm-hm.
Lovely finish.
Yeah, I think this is definitely a contender.
How about you, Dad? Well, this one dislodged that piece of pot roast that's been bugging me since lunch.
I'm sorry, Niles, but I'm just not the right guy to help you pick a wine for your proposal dinner.
Well, Dad, this is an important night for me and I want you to play an important part.
I guess it is an honour to be included.
Thanks.
Well, time to cleanse my palate.
I'm gonna get a beer.
- Now.
- Not yet.
Exactly how drunk does he have to get? To agree to take Daphne's mother out while you propose to her? Drunk, Niles.
Fill her up, fill her up.
Go ahead.
MARTIN: Whoopsie.
- Oh.
You sure he hasn't had enough? Dad, what was the name of that widow you dated several years ago? You mean Claire Wojodubokowski? Not yet.
MARTIN: Well, my taste buds are all sudsy clean.
[FRASIER CHUCKLES.]
Well, let's dive right back in.
Bottoms up.
[MARTIN GULPS.]
[LAUGHS THEN CLEARS THROAT.]
Boy, I tell you, I haven't had this much to drink since the night I proposed to your mother.
- Really? MARTIN: Yeah.
That was quite a night.
I was nervous as hell.
- Oh, I love this story.
MARTIN: Yeah.
- And then she said no.
FRASIER: What? I've never heard this version.
Well, she wanted to get married, but she just wasn't ready.
Well, what was it that finally convinced her to say yes? Oh, you don't wanna know.
Oh, come on, Dad.
What Marty Crane magic did you weave to get her to change her mind? Actually, I didn't change her mind, Fras.
You did.
- Oh, dear God.
MARTIN: Ha.
I'll never forget the look on that minister's face when your mother waddled down the aisle at Saint Barthalolamew.
You hear what I said? "Barthalomar.
" Dad, there's a question I've been meaning to ask.
Niles, how can you change the subject after this bombshell? You knew? Remember that time I had the chickenpox? Mom told me to cheer me up.
- Oh, go ahead.
- Thank you.
So, uh, listen, ahem, Dad, Daphne and I, of course, wanna be alone on the big night Oh-ho, yeah.
And I was wondering if, perhaps, you could take Daphne's mother out for the evening.
You want me to take out Daphne's mother? - Is that what this has all been about? - No.
More wine? MARTIN: Ugh.
I can't stand that woman.
But if it'll help you out, sure, I'll do it, I'll go out with her.
Oh, Dad, thank you.
I will never forget this.
Forget what? Ha.
Just kidding.
Ha, ha.
Oh.
- Hello, all.
- Hello, how was the movie? MRS.
MOON: Oh, not bad, considering my daughter's famous sense of direction made us 45 minutes late.
Then she got me popcorn without butter, and kept shushing me, just because I can predict what people will say next in a movie.
- Hello, Marty.
- Uh.
Excuse me.
I need a beer.
Now, now.
Dad, you know what we were just talking about, the fact that I was a guest at your wedding? Yeah? Well, it's just the least bit startling.
And I have always respected you and mother, and the decisions that you made throughout your lifetime.
But this information does beg one question: Dad, am I? A year older? No.
Your birthday's the same.
We just faked our anniversary all these years.
Oh, thank heaven.
Oh-ho.
[BOTH LAUGHING.]
[FRASIER SIGHS.]
MRS.
MOON: You know, Marty, I'm not surprised you asked me out.
- Um, you're not? - Oh, don't be coy.
A romantic boat ride to a remote island.
I know when a man's trying to seduce me.
Uh - Mrs.
Moon - Oh, it was inevitable, really.
I mean, here we are, two comfortable old shoes looking for new mates.
Actually, I'm not that comfortable.
Oh, maybe you just need someone to break you in.
- Isn't that Marty Crane from work? - Right.
Didn't you two have a thing going on? No, we just made out at the office party.
Then what happened? He blew you off? Actually, I think he was kind of interested.
He slipped a note in my lunch, he drove past my house, he called me couple of times and hung up.
And you didn't do anything.
What were you thinking? He's cute.
He is cute, isn't he? What a wonderful sunset.
I bet you ordered it just for me, didn't you, Marty? Actually, the sun goes down almost every night.
Oh, you, stop making me fall in love with you.
Uh, you know, I think there's been a bit of a misunderstanding here.
I didn't mean this to be a "date" date.
More of a friendship thing.
You know, I really enjoy your company No.
No.
I should have known.
What could you possibly want with a dried-up old prune like me? - Well, you're not a dried-up old - Please, I don't want your pity.
I'll just stand at the bar and drink all night.
Even though my doctor said one more episode could cost me my liver.
- Oh, now, come on - If you want to pretend not to know me, I'll understand completely.
Look, you've misunderstood what I said.
Oh, then you don't think I'm unattractive? Oh, unattractive? You said that, not me.
It's not too late.
Go over there and say hello.
He's with somebody.
It'd be weird.
You don't have to make a play for him.
Just say hello.
You can tell by his reaction whether or not he's still interested.
Gertrude, this is wrong.
Your husband just left you.
You're vulnerable.
I'm not vulnerable.
I'm ripe and receptive.
Okay.
I'll tell you the truth.
Uh, you know, I was shot, right? Yes, in the hip.
Except that the damage wasn't confined to the hip.
There were fragments that travelled south.
- Oh, you mean? - Yep.
- Yeah, but you can still - Nope.
- But they have pills now - No.
- Acupuncture? - Ooh.
Don't remind me.
[MRS.
MOON CHUCKLES.]
No, the sad fact is, it just doesn't work.
I have absolutely no sexual feeling in my groin area, period.
Oh, Marty, that's terrible.
Oh, I am sorry I brought it up.
Oh, that's all right.
No harm done.
Excuse me, Mr.
Puck? Yes, Dr.
Crane.
I couldn't help noticing that the crab cakes are getting just a bit brown.
- They're getting beautifully crunchy.
- I see.
Because when I said brown, I actually meant more like black, like burned.
They're Cajun.
- Everything all right in here? - With the food, no problem.
Everything's under control, Niles.
We're all set.
You just relax, okay? I can't believe it.
I've worked so hard to make everything perfect, and now the moment is almost Do I smell burning crab? That's Cajun.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
- That's her.
- Go, go.
Godspeed! Everyone, everyone, places, places.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
Coming, my sweet.
[NILES STOMPING.]
- Are you all right? - Don't touch me, I have the flu.
Oh, you poor dear.
Here, here, here, come here.
Sit right down here till we're ready to eat.
Oh, I can't eat.
I need my mouth to breathe.
Ugh.
I hope you didn't go to too much trouble with dinner.
Oh, no, no.
Hey, you know what? A good cup of tea, and you'll be rallying in no time.
You'll never guess what I have planned for tonight.
All I want to do is stuff Kleenex up my nose, collapse on the couch, and pray for death.
Keep guessing.
- I'm sorry, Niles.
- Oh, that's all right.
[DAPHNE GROANS.]
There.
You lie here.
I'll go heat up some soup in the kitchen.
- Dinner's off.
- What did you say? Look, Niles, even if the crab cakes are a write-off, we can still salvage No, no, no.
Daphne's sick.
Oh, oh, Wolfgang, could you open a can of plain chicken broth and heat it up for me? You're just cancelling everything? - The choir, string quartet, the dry ice? - Yes, all of it.
I want this proposal to be the greatest night of Daphne's life.
What's the point if she's too sick? We spent weeks pulling this together.
We'll just get everybody back sometime when she's feeling better.
Not everybody.
All right, listen.
I'll take Daphne into the guestroom to lie down so you can get everybody out of here.
Just be quiet.
Don't wanna blow the surprise for next time.
Rest assured, she won't suspect a thing.
DAPHNE: Niles, I think there's a bird loose in here.
I thought doves might be a nice addition.
It looked like a dove.
Oh.
I think your fever is causing you to hallucinate.
Come along, let's take you to the guestroom for a good lie-down.
- Why you yelling? - Because your ears are all stuffed up.
- No, they're not.
- They're not? Oh, maybe mine are.
Gee, I hope I'm not getting what you have.
Shh.
Everyone, everyone.
Shh.
Very quietly, I have an announcement to make.
I'm terribly sorry, but tonight's festivities have been indefinitely postponed due to illness.
- But we still get paid, right? - Yes, you still get paid.
Um, now, I need all of you to file quickly and quietly out the front door.
It is imperative the young lady not know any of you were ever here.
DAPHNE: I'm telling you, that room has a draught.
Hit the dirt.
DAPHNE: We can't we sit in the living room, build a fire? No, no, no, we can't go in the living room because That Of course we can go in the living room and have a nice fire.
Come here and sit down.
Oh, um, do you wanna borrow my pyjamas? No, I feel silly in those.
They're so big and baggy.
I'm the only one here who's gonna see you.
- Oh, how about some tea? - Hmm.
Not now.
Oh, I have some of those raspberry candies you like.
No, you stay right here next to me, Niles Crane.
[DAPHNE SNEEZES.]
NILES: I'll get you a blanket.
You'll catch a chill, darling.
Get you all comfy.
DAPHNE: Oh, I'm sorry I ruined our evening.
Oh, you did nothing of the sort.
- Don't know what I did to deserve you.
- You kidding? - I got the better end of this deal.
- Oh, yeah, look at me.
Nose running, hair a mess.
I must look a real fright.
[SNEEZES.]
[DAPHNE SNEEZES.]
NILES: You are simply the most adorable creature I have ever seen on this earth.
- Oh, I'm sure.
- No, I mean it.
From your beautiful toes, all the way up to your crusty nose, there's not an inch of you that I don't adore.
- You know, it's funny.
- Mm.
You could take a million years to plan the perfect evening and you would never come up with this.
Daphne, I have to ask you a question.
Hold on.
[BLOWS NOSE.]
[SIGHS.]
[BLOWS NOSE.]
You were saying? Daphne Moon, will you, and your beautiful toes, and your exquisite ankles, and your precious knees, elbows and arms and fingers and shoulders? Will you marry me? Oh, Niles, of course I will.