Seinfeld s09e15 Episode Script

When are they gonna learn that news about China is an instant page-turner? What's that? It's a Wizard electronic organizer for my dad.
- I'm going to Florida for his birthday.
- How much? Two hundred.
I'll tell him 50.
He doesn't care for the gift, he gets excited about the deal.
Where are you getting a Wizard for $50? I'll tell him I got it on the street and maybe it's hot.
That's his favorite.
I got a message from the Rosses at work today.
Susan's parents? When's the last time you talked? At the funeral, give or take.
Deep down I always kind of felt that they blamed me for Susan's death.
Why? Because you picked out the poison envelopes? That's silly.
Darryl, these are people I know.
Jerry, George.
Nice meeting you.
I gotta run, Elaine.
I'll see you later.
Okay.
Still no Puddy? I think his answering machine's broken, so I just gave up.
What do you think? What, about you dating a black guy? What's the big deal? - What black guy? - Darryl.
He's black, isn't he? He is? - No, he isn't.
- Isn't he, Elaine? - You think? - I thought he looked Irish.
- What's his last name? - Nelson.
- That's not Irish.
- I think he's black.
Should we talking about this? - I think it's okay.
- No, it isn't.
- Why not? - Well, it would be okay if Darryl was here.
- lf he's black.
- Is he black? Does it matter? No, of course not.
I mean, I'd just like to know.
- So you need to know? - No, I don't need to know.
I just think it would be nice if I knew.
Shall I take that? - One sec.
- Oh, here.
Oh, yeah, hang on.
- Mrs.
Ross, it's George.
- Who? George Costanza.
Susan's friend? Long time no speak.
We're all out of lime juice.
I told that woman to buy more.
George, the Susan Ross Foundation is having an event this weekend.
Oh, I just leased a house out in the Hamptons and I have got to get out there this weekend and sign the papers.
I'm going back to bed.
- Thank you for calling, George.
- Oh, sure.
I mean, after all, you were almost my Okay, I gotta go.
House in the Hamptons? I've been lying about my income for years.
I figured I could afford a fake house in the Hamptons.
- Well.
- Hey.
Well, grab a cigar, boys.
Yeah, it's time to celebrate.
- What are we celebrating? - You remember my coffee table book? With the little legs.
That's the one.
A big Hollywood so-and-so optioned it for a movie.
How are they gonna make that book into a movie? Remember that photo book on toy ray guns? - Yeah.
- Independence Day? How much are they paying you? Let's just say I don't have to worry about working for a while.
A long while.
That's funny, because I haven't seen you working for a while.
A long while.
And you're not going to, because I'm hanging it up.
Boys, I'm retiring.
From what? From the grind.
I mean, who needs it? You know, I've accomplished everything I've set out to do.
What's that? Oh, bought myself a little retirement gift.
A gold watch.
It's not really gold.
- Hey.
- Hey, great music.
Oh, it's my neighbor.
They blast that stuff Turn it down! Oh, wow.
These are nice.
Do they have any cultural significance? They're African.
Right.
- African.
- Well, not "Africa.
" Actually South Africa.
South Africa.
My family used to live there.
We got out years ago.
For obvious reasons.
- You know how it is.
- Maybe.
You must hate hot dogs, huh? Or else you really like them and that's why you do this.
If I had one of these things I'd be eating hot dogs all the time.
You gonna buy a hot dog or not? No.
Rise and shine, sleepyhead.
It's 5:30 in the morning.
We let you sleep in.
Well, as long as I'm up, Dad, I got you a birthday present.
Here.
Happy birthday.
Oh, Jerry.
I should be buying you presents.
What does that mean? Leave your father alone.
It's his birthday.
It's a radar detector.
Radar detector.
I've never seen you go over 20 miles an hour.
You're like the grand marshal of the Rose Bowl parade.
It's a Wizard organizer.
This looks like too much money.
No, I got it from a guy on the street.
It was like 50 bucks.
- You think it's hot? - Could be.
Attaboy.
Helen, Jerry got me a hot Wizard computer.
I'm right here.
You can do everything with it.
You can get e-mail, fax, there's a calculator.
So I can use it to figure out the tip? Yeah, I guess.
But the really cool thing is the daily planner.
We can go to the restaurant to figure out the tips.
Jerry, you're getting your father too excited.
Hey, buddy.
When did you get in? Kramer, what are you doing here? I told you I was retiring.
I moved in next door.
Mr.
Cornstein died, and it's a beautiful apartment.
Yeah, your folks said it was for rent, so I jumped on it.
Kramer, you can't live down here.
This is where people come to die.
Not you.
Older people.
Don't eat cookies for breakfast.
I'll fix you something.
How about a feta cheese omelet? That sounds great, Mom.
You feed him he'll never leave.
I don't have any feta.
How about cottage cheese and egg beaters? I guess.
- I don't believe this.
- I know, I know.
Don't I look more relaxed? So, George, do you have any thoughts on this Darryl situation? Actually, I did have a thought.
Why don't you just ask him? Because if I ask him, then it's like I really want to know.
Maybe he's mixed.
Is that the right word? I don't think we're supposed to be talking about this.
- I'm just gonna go to the bathroom.
- You know what? I'm leaving.
- I'll talk to Jerry when he gets back.
- All right.
Oh, Mrs.
Ross.
Mr.
Ross.
Oh, you're George's friend.
We saw him in the city this weekend.
What happened to his place in the Hamptons? The Hamptons? George Costanza? I don't think so.
Have a good one.
Rosses.
George.
We were just talking about you.
Well, sorry I missed that charity thing but this was one of those truly glorious Hampton weekends that you always hear about.
- Really? Yeah, I may move out there.
I mean it.
I'll do it.
Okay, I'll see you later.
Keep it real.
Another fine meal.
And now for my Wizard tip calculator.
Dad, it's got lots of other functions.
Don't worry.
I'll get to the other functions.
I can't get it open.
Yay, Jerry got it open.
The service was slow, and God forbid they should refill the water.
How does 12.
4 percent sound? Well, your tip is $4 and 36.
6666 cents.
We'll round down.
Jerry, it was so nice of you to come down here on your father's birthday.
You've helped take his mind off the condo election.
Right.
You can't run for condo president because you were impeached at the other condo.
- I was never impeached.
I resigned.
Even so, the press would bury him.
What press? The condo newsletter.
The Boca Breeze.
Pinko commie rag.
Hey, Morty.
Your boy here.
He just got a date with that young aquacise instructor.
She's 50.
You know what he's got? He's got charisma.
- That's my man.
- I'll see you guys.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Morty, what are you looking at? I'll tell you what I'm looking at.
The next condo board president of Del Boca Vista, phase three.
Elaine, thank you for the Wizard.
Wow, it's got so many functions.
Yeah, yeah, forget about all that.
First thing is first, warranty information.
Name.
We know that.
Hobbies.
- Skiing, racquetball - Well, I don't do that stuff.
It doesn't matter.
It doesn't matter.
It doesn't matter.
Oh, Here's one.
Race.
Isn't that optional? It certainly should be.
It's nobody's damn business.
But they really would like to know.
- All right.
I'm Asian.
- What? Just to mess with them.
Right.
Good one.
Average income.
Over a hundred thousand.
- Really? - So does that matter? No.
But it's very nice to know.
So did you figure out Darryl's you know? I've given up.
So now we're going to a bunch of Spanish restaurants.
Figure that'll cover us either way.
You're a master of race relations.
So Kramer's running for president of the condo? Yeah.
It's all my father's doing.
He wants to install Kramer in a puppet regime and then wield power from behind the scenes.
Preferably from the sauna in the clubhouse.
- Who are they running against? - Common sense and a guy in a wheelchair.
- Jerry? - He's still down with his folks.
What are you doing here? - Elaine.
Elaine.
- I'm getting his mail.
- Oh, no.
- He asked you to get the mail? Jerry, why is Elaine getting your mail? George, listen to me.
I have a very important job for you.
I want you to come by twice a day and flush the toilet so the gaskets don't dry out and leak.
- What? - Well, what about the mail? This is far more important.
You must exercise the gaskets, George.
All right, Jerry, I'll do it.
See you.
So, ran into the Rosses again.
Oh, right, at the coffee shop.
Where did they get the idea that you have a place in the Hamptons? - From me.
- What did you say? I told them I have a place in the Hamptons.
What did you say? I told them you didn't.
And I laughed and I laughed.
So they know.
- Those liars.
- But you lied first.
But they let me go on and on all about the Hamptons.
They never said a thing.
You don't let somebody lie when you know.
- You call them a liar.
- Like you're a liar.
Yes.
Thank you.
Was that so hard? So this is over? Not over? I'm betting not over.
Not by a long shot.
I'm calling the Rosses and inviting them to my nonexistent place in the Hamptons.
Then we'll see who blinks first.
Haven't you done enough to these people? This is not about them.
Now if you'll excuse me I have to exercise Jerry's gaskets.
Vote for Kramer.
Cosmo Kramer.
I'm running for condo president.
Like your vote.
Thanks.
Remember, ma'am, a vote for me is a vote for Kramer.
- Can you cut my meat? - Gladly.
- Coffee? - Sure.
Are you black? Or should I bring some cream? I'm black.
Oh, you know what? Bring a little cream.
- Look at that.
- Did you hear that? - What? - God, there are still people who have trouble with an interracial couple.
Interracial? Us? Isn't that unbelievable? Yes.
It's awful.
They're upset because we're an interracial couple.
That is racism.
- I don't feel like eating.
- Me neither.
Well, maybe this turkey club.
So here I am.
Ready to take you to the Hamptons.
Sounds grand.
Do you have your bathing suits? It's March.
Speak now or we are headed to the Hamptons.
It's a two-hour drive.
Once you get in that car we are going all the way to the Hamptons.
All right, you wanna get nuts come on, let's get nuts! Dad, you know, you can program this thing to beep every time you need a vitamin.
Dad, you look so different.
We're campaigning, Jerry.
To rule the people, one must walk among them.
This is the homestretch.
Tomorrow's the election.
Right, yeah.
The poll's close after dinner.
Three o'clock.
But then when we win the celebration goes all night until the break of 8 p.
m.
You could put that whole schedule right in your daily planner.
- Daily what? - Have you read today's Boca Breeze? Hey, look at that.
Picture of me, huh? Yeah, "Candidate Cosmo Kramer, caught barefoot in clubhouse.
" Barefoot in the clubhouse? Kramer don't you realize this is against the rules? Well, I couldn't find my shoes.
These people work and wait their whole lives to move down here sit in the heat, pretend it's not hot, and enforce these rules.
- Who wants hot chocolate? - Oh, yeah.
This is a huge scandal.
We need damage control.
All right, look, people seem to like those tip calculators.
- Wizards.
- How about if we give one out to every member on the condo board? Kramer.
There are 20 people on the board.
Thank God you can get that deal.
Payoffs.
Now we're playing politics.
All right, what do we do next, Morty, huh? Wiretaps? Slush funds? First I need a nap.
I'll get your electric blanket.
Kramer, I can't get that many Wizards.
- What about your deal? - I didn't have a deal.
They're $200 a pop.
What do I do? Don't worry.
I know a guy.
- Down here? - Yeah.
Bob Saccamano's father.
And that leads into the master bedroom.
Tell us more.
Wanna hear more? The master bedroom opens into the solarium.
- Another solarium? - Yes, two solariums.
Quite a find.
- And I have horses too.
- What are their names? Snoopy and Prickly Pete.
Should I keep driving? Oh, look, an antique stand.
Pull over.
We'll buy you a housewarming gift.
A housewarming gift.
All right, we're taking it up a notch.
- Long day? - Yeah, I just worked a triple shift.
I hear you, sister.
- Sister? - Yeah.
It's okay.
My boyfriend's black.
Here he is.
See? - Hi, Elaine.
- Hey.
- He's black? - Yeah.
- I'm black? - Aren't you? I'll give you a couple of minutes to decide.
- What are you talking about? - You're black.
You said we were an interracial couple.
We are because you're Hispanic.
- I am? - Aren't you? No.
Why would you think that? Your name's Benes.
Your hair.
You kept taking me to those Spanish restaurants.
That's because I thought you were black.
Why would you take me to a Spanish restaurant because I'm black? I don't think we should be talking about this.
- So, what are you? - I'm white.
So we're just a couple of white people? I guess.
Yeah.
- So do you want to go to the Gap? - Sure.
Well, I handed out all the Wizards.
The polls close in one hour.
I think we've got this baby all sewn up, huh? Yeah.
Yeah, there was an extra one.
Norman Bergerman.
He won't be leaving any tips where he is.
Congratulations, Mr.
President.
Congratulations, Mr.
Puppet Master, huh? Hey, Morty, what's wrong with these tip calculators? What are you talking about? It's overtipping.
I just left 5 bucks for a BLT.
Let me see that.
This isn't a Wizard.
It's a Willard.
It's a Willard? Saccamano Sr.
screwed me.
Mine doesn't have a seven.
I'm ruined.
Jerry, why didn't you get them Wizards? Because the real Wizard's $200.
- You didn't have a deal? - No deal.
Not hot.
Morty, you and Kramer.
You're finished.
Everyone vote for the guy in the wheelchair.
- Let's go.
- The people have spoken.
Well, that's it for me.
I'm heading back to New York.
Dad, I'm sorry.
You should be.
How could you spend $200 on a tip calculator? It does other things! - Where are we, George? - Almost there.
This is the end of Long Island.
Where's your house? We go on foot from here.
All right.
There's no house! It's a lie! There's no solarium.
There's no Prickly Pete.
There's no other solarium.
We know.
Then why? Why did you make me drive all the way out here? Why didn't you say something? Why? Why? Why? We don't like you, George.
And we always blamed you for what happened to Susan.
All right.
Let's head back.