Frasier s09e16 Episode Script

Our topic today has been honesty.
The courage to face each other with the plain truth.
I've certainly enjoyed myself these last few hours.
I hope you have too.
This is Dr.
Frasier Crane wishing you good mental health.
Well, that was a dog of a show.
They all blend.
Oh, you got a message.
A Blaine Sternin called.
Blaine Sternin.
Call him back, tell him I'm dead.
Sternin.
Is he related to Lilith? Yes.
He's Lilith's half brother, the curse of the family.
What does it say when Lilith is the good one? He sounded charming on the phone.
Well, of course he sounded charming.
Charm is the viscous grease with which he oils his flimflam machine.
The man will say anything to get what he wants.
I can't believe I haven't dated this guy.
The only reason he'd be contacting me is to separate me from my money.
The man is always coming up with some Some sucker sob story while he's busy living the highlife in Laughlin, Nevada.
You know, he once stole from me a very precious antique.
My 18th-century English salt server.
Well, if you don't mind Elvis, you can have mine.
- Oh, dear God.
ROZ: What? This number he left.
It's local.
The beast walks among us.
FRASIER: Don't answer the front door or the phone.
Lock all the windows.
Blaine Sternin is in Seattle.
- Who? - Lilith's half brother.
Is he the scoundrel that walked off with your 18th-century saltcellar? The very same.
Blaine Sternin.
A package came for you this afternoon.
I believe that was the name on the return address.
What could he possibly be sending me? Daphne, you've got longer nails than I have.
Open it yourself.
All right.
Well, what do you know? It's my salt server.
[GASPS.]
I've heard you speak about it, but I had no idea it was so magnificent.
FRASIER: Just look at this beautiful gilding.
And the exquisite, but playful scrollwork.
And it has a tiny spoon.
Are you gonna read the note? Thank you, Niles.
"Frasier, I apologise for any trouble I've caused and hope you'll forgive me.
" He must think I've got turnips growing out of my ears.
He's after something.
Yeah.
Hide the pepper.
[TELEPHONE RINGS.]
Hello.
Crane residence.
Thank you.
That was the doorman.
Mr.
Sternin's on his way up.
So much for living in a security building.
Come on now, Dr.
Crane.
Maybe he wants to make amends.
Daphne, let me acquaint you with the curriculum vitae of Mr.
Blaine Sternin, or Brad Cunningham, as he's known in Maine.
Royce Thibideaux in Louisiana, and Santana Del La Cruz, the pride of Albuquerque, New Mexico.
This is a man who once made a living selling rare autographs until it was discovered that Madame Curie and Sugar Ray Robinson had the same handwriting.
And would you care to see the deed to my 50,000-acre kelp farm? It's hard to believe a man of your intellect could be so fooled.
It wasn't my intellect that he preyed upon, Daphne.
It was my kind and generous heart.
Well, not this time.
This time I will make it a stone.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
He may come swaggering in here, but I assure you, he will go slinking out with his tail between his legs.
- All right, Blaine - Frasier, my brother.
It's been too long.
FRASIER: Hello, Blaine.
A wheelchair.
Nice touch.
Well, the truth is, I've been in a terrible accident.
I've lost feeling from my waist down.
Doctors tell me I'll be like this for the rest of my life.
Oh, hi, everybody.
Blaine Sternin.
Oh, uh, yeah, come on in.
Marty Crane.
Hey, hi, Marty.
How are you? - Miss Daphne Moon.
- How you doing? - Niles Crane.
- How are you? Bravo, Blaine.
This is the best one yet.
But you forget with whom you are dealing.
I've seen it all.
Dr.
Crane, the man is in a wheelchair.
Which means that somewhere, someone is missing a wheelchair.
Frasier, if you don't believe him, why don't you call Lilith? Good idea.
So, Martin, I see you also park in the blue zone.
Yeah, when I can.
But those spaces are always filled.
Yeah, well, that's probably partly my fault.
Boy, I sold a lot of fake handicapped plates in my time.
Boy, talk about a butt-load of poetic justice, huh? Yes, I believe that is the basic unit of poetic justice.
So, what did Lilith say? Uh, has Blaine really lost the use of his legs? She says she doesn't know, but hopes so.
All right, I guess there's only one way I can prove this to you.
Daphne, may I borrow that lovely pin you're wearing? Oh, uh Let's see.
Here you go.
All right.
There you go, Fras, my man.
Stick it anywhere you'd like.
You'd have to get up for that.
- All right, I guess I'll just do it myself.
DAPHNE: Oh.
There you go.
That's disturbing.
Cool.
Come on, that is nothing but a cheap parlour trick.
I thought you'd take more convincing than that.
Would you have a butcher knife in the kitchen? - Oh, I'll get it.
FRASIER: No, no, that's enough, Dad.
Let's cut to the chase.
What's it gonna cost me to get you out of here? Frasier, you're almost right.
Almost right.
It's true, I do want something from you.
But what I want is for you to get down on your knees and pray with me.
I know these words sound strange.
But I've had a deeply religious conversion.
- Really? - Oh, this just gets better and better.
I guess it started with my car accident.
I was driving drunk, which I had done one too many times.
Oh, you know, it was a sign.
- From God? - No, from the Highway Department.
It said, "Lane ends" and I just ploughed right into it.
The next thing I saw was a bright light and a tunnel.
So you had a near-death experience.
No, it was a CAT scan.
You know, when Dr.
Kagan told me I was paralyzed, well, I was devastated.
There I was, the lowest point a man can be.
And he came to me.
- Doctor Kagan? - No, wrong again, hon.
- It was God.
- Oh, damn.
Hang in there, sweetheart.
You'll get one.
He showed me how I'd squandered my life.
You know, cheating innocent people.
L I was just filled with shame.
That's why I'm here.
I've started a ministry to save souls the way the Lord saved mine.
What genius.
The Lord.
A credible partner who doesn't take a cut.
Dr.
Crane, you should be ashamed of yourself.
The fact that Mr.
Sternin has turned his accident into something positive.
Well, it's one of the most inspirational stories I've heard.
Oh, Daphne, please.
You have no idea what this man is capable of.
Sir, can I get you something to eat or drink? I could use a beer.
I haven't given up everything.
That is inspiring.
Yeah, make it two, Daph.
Okay.
Excuse me.
Oh But I insist that I help.
It's like a thing with me all of a sudden.
I just won't allow anyone to wait on me anymore.
DAPHNE: Here, let me.
- Oh, thank you.
Well, you've just witnessed the first step in the Blaine Sternin long con.
He sets you up, sucks you in, and then, bam! Kelp futures.
Aren't you rushing to judgement, Frasier? L I know you two have a history, but isn't it possible that he's changed? Oh, don't be a sucker, Niles.
Dad, you're not buying any of this medicine show, are you? Well, the guy is laying it on pretty thick.
But I guess he could be on the level.
I mean, that pin thing was freaky.
I want to get that on video.
Daphne, you left him alone in the kitchen? My Sub-Zero's probably on the way to a chop shop right now.
All right, Blaine.
I've had enough.
Get out.
Frasier, look, I don't know how to prove this to you.
But I swear, all I really came for was your forgiveness, first of all, for stealing that little teapot.
Salt server.
Is that what that was? Man, nobody knew.
And for all the times I lied and I cheated you.
And for the time I posed as you and treated patients for a year.
- What? - Only a couple of people.
I'd tell you who they were, but I've got that doctor-patient confidentiality thing.
The point is, that part of my life is over.
I just I don't know.
I just want to give something back.
Really? If you wanted to give something back, you'd be mopping a soup kitchen or reading to bedridden vets, or travelling to the Galápagos Islands to clean oil off some poor seafowl.
Then maybe you'd have some credibility.
I know I've given you so many reasons to mistrust me.
But don't you believe that people can change? If I forgive you, will you leave and never return? Yes.
I promise you you'll never see my face in this house again, unless I'm invited.
Very well.
I grant you this boon, and I forgive you.
Now get out.
Oh, Mr.
Sternin, I hope you'll stay for dinner.
Sounds like an invitation to me, Fras.
And so here's this kid, no more than 15 years old.
He lives in a cardboard box under the overpass.
And his mother comes to me and begs me: "Will you get my kid off drugs?" Yes, yes, and then you cured him.
Let's eat.
No, no, no.
You don't cure something like addiction overnight.
Well, look who I'm telling.
I mean, you're a psychiatrist, you know.
Well, that's true.
I have found in my research with addictive personalities that Oh, for God's sake, what the hell am I doing? - There probably is no kid anyway.
- Come on, let up on the guy.
He's a man of God.
Blaine, can I take a picture of you with a fork in your leg? - All right, everybody.
Dig in.
- Oh, right.
- Thank you, Daphne.
- Oh, beautiful, Daphne.
- Thank you, darling.
- Well, who wants to say grace? Oh, we almost forgot.
Whose turn is it this time? Okay, I will.
Would you all join hands? Yes.
Ready.
Dear Lord, bless this food and this company.
Give us your guidance, and teach us to be forgiving, as you instructed your apostles.
I'll give you 50 bucks if you can name three of them.
- Frasier.
FRASIER: Here you go.
Two 20's and a 10.
Tell you what, I'll spot you John.
Dr.
Crane, we're in the middle of a prayer.
Please, go on.
- Thank you, Lord.
Amen.
ALL: Amen.
Amen.
You know, normally I get paid after I say grace.
Oh, I'm kidding.
Ha, ha! He was kidding.
That was funny.
[CHUCKLING.]
You know, you're a godless bunch, but I love you.
[LAUGHTER.]
You know, even worse than the godless are those who would use God for their own gain.
They are the true hypocrites who should burn in the fiery hell for all eternity.
Am I picking up a vibe here? Oh, I'm sorry.
Did you think that was directed at you? You know, I could quote you chapter and verse all night to try to prove to you that I'm a changed man.
But you know what? Instead, why don't you come see me in action on Sunday? What do you mean? Come and hear me preach.
Witness what God can do through me in all his splendour and all his glory in the Regency Room down the at the airport Ramada.
- I'd love to go.
- I wouldn't mind.
- Sure, why not? BLAINE: Bless you people.
That's just great.
Thank you very much.
Only problem is, the advertising was just a skosh more than I thought, and I came up about $1000 short on the hall rental.
Aha! The other shoe comes cascading from the sky.
One thousand dollars you say.
You're not getting it out of me, you born-again Bilko.
Didn't I tell you? Fras, you know, what I was going to say, if you'd let me finish was, - somehow the Lord will provide.
- Oh.
And by the way, Matthew, John, Thomas, Bartholomew, Jude, Judas, two Jameses, Andrew, Peter, Simon the Zealot and Philip.
Nine-fifty to go.
Pass the potatoes, please.
FRASIER: He says the Lord will provide the money.
But we all know who that means.
Me.
You know, I've always had a thing for evangelists.
When I first started out, I worked at this station back in Wisconsin, and there was this young preacher who had a show of his own on Sunday mornings.
He spent hours trying to save my soul.
[LAUGHS.]
And? And it worked.
And now I'm a nun.
What do you think happened? - Hello.
- Oh, Daphne, Niles.
Hi there.
Well, Dr.
Crane, you needn't worry about Blaine asking you for money anymore.
He's received the $1000 he needs for Sunday.
- What nitwit gave him $1000? - Now, Frasier, that's not fair.
Perhaps whoever did it simply has a kind heart and a trusting nature that I, for one, find refreshing.
Oh, Daphne.
I come from a large family of scoundrels and ne'er-do-wells who repeatedly promised me they'd change their ways, and never made any effort.
Now here is someone who's actually trying and succeeding.
Now, I think that's worthy of a little encouragement.
- Coffee, Niles? Mm.
- Yes, please.
I can't believe Daphne got snowed by that crook.
Now, I've got to expose Blaine for the charlatan that he is.
What was the name of that doctor he said treated him in Laughlin? Uh, it was Kagan, if memory serves.
Dr.
Kagan.
Shouldn't be too hard to find.
[SLOWLY.]
Laughlin, Nevada.
Doctor Kagan.
I'm being connected.
Frasier, you're sure you're not being a tad obsessive? Niles, this is about the truth.
Yes, hello? Uh, yes, Dr.
Kagan, please? Busy? Too busy to talk with Dr.
Frasier Crane [SWEDISH ACCENT.]
From the Nobel Prize Committee? Now, you may ask yourself, why would this man spend the last hour preaching the word of God? Look what God did to him.
Well, I'll tell you what God did to me.
He took away my legs to show me how tall I could stand.
[APPLAUSE.]
Because, until this happened, I was not a whole man.
I was a gambler.
I was a liar.
I was a cheat.
Everything you can imagine, that was me.
I did it.
Oh, I was a bad man.
Go ahead, name something.
- A thief? - Oh, a thief.
Not a day passed that I wasn't.
Anybody else? Come on.
- A womanizer.
- Yeah, in between affairs.
WOMAN: Tax evader.
- Yeah, but that was on principle.
[WHISPERS.]
Come on, little sheep.
Come on into this nice little pen.
DAPHNE: Shh! - Thought you weren't coming.
I just can't stand to see people get fleeced.
I left half a dozen messages for this so-called doctor of his.
I'll tell you, the guy comes back with a different excuse every time why he can't come to the phone.
Niles, I tell you, there is no such man as this Dr.
Kagan.
He doesn't exist.
And yet, for the first time in my life, I'm a happy man.
Oh, I can't dance the way I used to.
But, you know, my heart's turning cartwheels.
I can't run, but there's no need to hide anymore.
I can't make love, but I can feel love.
Now, do you want that kind of happiness? Because if you do, let me hear you say, "Yeah, I want it.
" CONGREGATION: Yeah! - Come on, like you really mean it.
- Yeah! CONGREGATION: Yeah! Are you willing to do whatever it takes? Are you willing to make these earthly sacrifices to make heavenly gains? CONGREGATION: Yes, yes, yes! [FRASIER BLEATING.]
Have you people lost your senses? Do you hear yourselves? This is no man of God.
He's a huckster.
Frasier, sit down.
This is why I hate going anywhere with you.
No, Dad.
This charade has got to stop right now.
I will not allow these good people to be bamboozled.
- Frasier, wait.
CONGREGATION: Boo! No, people, people.
It's all right.
He belongs up here.
He's one of God's creatures.
I am no such thing.
I will prove once and for all that this man is a fraud.
See for yourselves.
No, no, no.
Don't help him.
That's enough of this, Blaine.
Get up.
- Get up! BLAINE: Wait, people.
He knows not what he does.
[CELL PHONE RINGING.]
What? Yes, Dr.
Kagan.
Yes, I did.
Uh-huh.
Aha.
For life.
I see.
Thank you.
Well.
It seems an apology is in order.
Please, help me get this man back into his chair.
And I will match all contributions given to this man's ministry here today, dollar for dollar.
You want fulfilment, you want inner peace, this is your man right here: Blaine Sternin.
Come on, people, dig deep.
Brother Niles, you've been richly blessed.
Thanks again for paying in cash there, Fras.
I'd rather see that money go to poor people than, you know, Uncle Sam.
FRASIER: It's my pleasure to do it.
Blaine, there's something I'd like you to have.
Wha? - Well, thanks.
- Ha, ha.
You know, this is, uh This is really gonna help some needy people, - now I know what the heck it is.
- Ha-ha-ha.
Martin, been a pleasure, my man.
Same here, Blaine.
Good luck to you.
Well, thanks a lot.
Blaine.
You are welcome in my home anytime.
Thank you, Fras.
That means a lot to me.
God bless you.
Well, I'm off to spread the good word.
You are indeed a Holy Roller.
[LAUGHS.]
Yeah.
Yeah, that's That's good.
Well.
- There was a lesson learned.
MARTIN: Yeah.
Don't throw a guy out of a wheelchair.
Who knew? Well, I guess I just needed a reminder that people really are capable of change.
Well, I gotta be honest with you, I wasn't totally convinced myself until I saw him on stage.
Before you came in, he was talking about all these things he did right after his conversion.
Man, that guy was committed.
He mopped up soup kitchens, he read to bedridden veterans.
He went to the Galapagos Islands to help clean the oil off some fowls.
He said that, did he? [GASPS.]
[SHOUTS.]
Blaine!