Married with Children s09e16 Episode Script

Okay, Kel, let's go over the plan just one more time, all right? Now, you can't go to Wanker County with Mom and Dad because? I have to do a commercial for traffic safety.
That's right.
And I can't go to Wanker County with Mom and Dad because? A rubber sheep is demanding you take a blood test? Fine.
No, fine.
Fine.
We'll go to Wanker County.
Don't come to me when they ask why you're single when you have a perfectly good brother.
Come on, Bud, I was just kidding.
I can do this.
Daddy might have been able to break me when the police brought me home at 2 in the morning, but I am not 11 anymore.
Okay, there's the Dodge early-warning system.
Let's go.
- Now, remember the plan.
- Gotcha.
What plan? Just kidding.
Al, why are you in such a bad mood? Some men like going shopping with their wives.
Sure, for coffins.
I hate buying stuff for the Wanker folk, Peg.
Well, they like stuff from the big city.
We just have things they can't get.
Let's make sure we got it all.
Wax.
String.
Things that go click.
And to think, they bestowed their highest honour on you.
Well, that's understandable.
I'm the only person they ever saw who doesn't have a shell.
Scoff all you want.
But I think being named the grand marshal of the Wanker County Bicentennial Parade is a big deal.
Yeah, Dad.
Come on, they're celebrating 200 years.
Since what? They crawled from the oceans? No way was it that long ago.
Two hundred years ago, it was bought from the Indians.
Not the legend of Wanker County again.
Wanker County was originally called Obi Luba Possa Wadamy.
Which means, Land of the Big Gassy Possum.
Which explains why Disney has no interest in putting a theme park there.
Look, I for one am very excited to be going.
I said, I for one am very excited to be going to Wanker County with my sister.
Come in.
Hi, Mom.
Hi, Dad.
I've got something I have to tell you.
I'm afraid that Bud and I won't be able to go to Wanker County.
You see, I just got a commercial for traffic safety.
And Bud, since he works for the Department of Vehicle Services is going to consult.
The end.
Well, bye.
Hold it.
Pumpkin.
I want you to look Daddy in the eye.
Okay, it was a lie.
But it was all Bud's idea.
That's right.
I wanted to go to Wanker County.
And not only that, last Tuesday Bud drank milk right from the carton.
And when he was 11, he smoked a cigarette.
When I think of the pain and the suffering that I went through for you to be conceived You should be ashamed of yourself for deceiving your family this way.
Al.
The home office just ordered us to have a 24-hour emergency shoe sale.
The fat women have landed.
You gotta come.
Dash it all.
I was going to Wanker County.
- I'm sorry, Peg.
- Just a second.
Griff.
Look me in the eye.
There really is no shoe sale.
It was all Bud's idea.
And he dialled some 976 numbers from the shoe store.
And he took a handful of cerebral-palsy mints without paying.
And you know what he did when he was 11, right? Goodbye, Griff.
- See you when you get back, Al? - Oh, you can count on it, buddy.
Now, aren't you three ashamed of yourselves? You mean in general, or because of this Wanker County hooey? We are all going and that's final.
It's not gonna work, Buck.
It was a// Bud's idea.
Now, like I was saying, we're all gonna go and we're all gonna have fun.
- Right? - Right, Mom.
No.
Okay.
Now, let's stop at the car wash.
Car wash? What for? So the Dodge will look nice in the parade.
How nice do we have to look? This year's theme is thumbs.
Show them if you got them.
You know, Peg, I hate car washes.
That Dodge is a finely tuned precision instrument and I don't want some stranger's rough hands all over it.
Sir, we need the keys.
Now, you keep your hands off my CD player.
Al, we don't have a CD player.
We would have, Peg, if you hadn't have said that.
Would you just calm down? This is supposed to be fun.
Let's buy a car air freshener.
Do they have a scent called "New Wife"? Peg, your trouble is you spend money in a frivolous Oh, a racing stripe.
The Dodge does not need a racing stripe.
It couldn't hit 60 if you dropped it out of a plane.
No, but you could, Peg.
Oh, Peg, look.
Car bras.
The Dodge does not need a car bra.
Well, it's not for the Dodge, Peg.
No, it's for your mom.
See, it's even in her size.
Astrovan.
You know something, Kel? I always wondered you think hot carnauba wax really comes out when the light goes on? Bud, maybe you should save those mind-bending insights for a date or perhaps a willing rubber ear.
Oh, I'm sorry, I forgot the only talking that goes on on your dates is: "Keep the line moving.
" Look at this place.
What kind of loser works at a car wash? Marcie, I don't wanna work in a car wash.
Look, I am tired of coming home after a hard day's work and hearing you say, " Honey, guess who was on Oprah today.
" It's like being married to Peggy.
Come on, this is the most embarrassing thing in the world.
There is nothing wrong with an honest day's pay.
Besides, who is gonna see you? Oh, my God! It's the ex! Quick.
Hide.
- Steve.
- Marcie.
- Steve.
- Marcie.
So, what brings you to the car wash? Well, my car was dirty and they do such a lousy job of cleaning it down at the batting cages, I thought I'd bring it here.
Well, it's nice to see you're still such a sarcastic twit, Steve.
Besides, I thought you were in the desert protecting the wildlife and performing Guys and Do//s with your little cactus friends.
That, much like our marriage, was just a phase.
I did the environmental thing, and then decided I wanted to find myself.
And what I found was myself likes money.
So did Mr.
Marcie let you out alone? Have you been here long? I guess for a little while.
It takes a long time to detail a Lincoln Town Car.
You're driving a Town Car? I live in town.
So where is the new, unimproved, unemployed me? At home watching Richard Bey? If it's Jefferson you're referring to, I'll have you know he's at the office.
You know, where he's busy working on his - Tan? - Career.
- So, what'd you get, Al? - Nothing.
I saw you over there by the audio cassettes.
- What'd you get? - Nothing.
"Ned Beatty Sings The B/ues"? He's got a right.
I'm gonna put this back.
Now, let's get the car.
They better not have screwed up my Dodge, Peg.
They are not gonna screw up the Dodge, Al.
They're professionals.
Mr.
Bundy, I don't know how to tell you this but we can't find your car.
What do you mean you can't find my car? I saw it go in.
Me too.
But it never came out.
That'll be 8.
95, please.
Hi, I'm Mikey.
I'm the manager.
Of what, the Mets? I don't take lip from shoe salesmen.
What do you want? I have a book report due tomorrow.
Well, I want my car.
It never came out the other end.
Are you sure you brought a car? No, I drove the wife.
Of course I brought a car, you zit farm.
Hey, Daddy.
I'm afraid I got some more bad news.
I thought I'd check the lost and found.
Oh, this ought to be good.
There were no Dodges.
There was a nice Plymouth, though.
Oh, Al.
I don't want a Plymouth, Peg.
I want my Dodge, dagnab it.
"Dagnab it"? What'd you do, get the Hook ed on Phonics.
Yosemite Sam tape? This is ridiculous.
How can our car just disappear? Well, Siegfried and Roy make that tiger disappear.
Well, we all know where that goes.
Look, Bundy, we don't want you to go away a dissatisfied customer.
So here's a card good for one free car wash.
Now, this is ridiculous.
I'm gonna retrace my steps.
Somewhere in this car wash is a Dodge with my name on it.
Gee, I didn't know they made a Dodge Loser.
Hey, wait a minute.
I have an idea.
Let's have Buck go search for it.
He's a dog.
Oh, come on, he's 100.
He misses when he tries to lick himself.
Oh, so do you.
But a dog never loses his sense of smell.
Go find the Dodge, mighty Buck.
Go.
Go.
What's he doing? He's going.
Maybe I should have said "leave.
" I sti// wou/d've gone.
I say, there's got to be a logical explanation for this.
Hey, maybe somebody stole it.
We would have seen somebody driving off in our car.
It's not like we're not observant.
I mean, there are four of us.
One of us would have had to see something.
Well, if that car is still here, it's not gonna get past me.
Yeah.
Let's just keep our eyes peeled.
Come on.
I know what you're doing, you know.
Sitting there like some soulless, money- grubbing snob because you know it turns me on.
Well, it's not going to work.
I already have a man and he's even more materialistic than you.
And how much of that material is yours? Are you implying that I support Jefferson and that he's never earned a penny in his life? Because you don't know the half of it Are those Gucci loafers? Yes.
They do look smashing on me, don't they? Well, they do distract from the rest of you.
Same old Marcie.
Flat and to the point.
For being in the women's restroom, we're gonna dock you a week's pay.
Well, there goes that yacht I was gonna buy.
You're already on thin ice Mr.
Ivy-League- Pervert-in-the Bathroom-Looking-Up-Women's-Skirts.
I don't want any more shenanigans out of you.
I want you buffing the next thing that comes out of here.
Al, what are you doing here? I was on my way to Wanker, thought I'd stop and walk through the car wash.
- Wasn't the wax hot? - Yes.
But that's the price you pay if you wanna wear a bikini.
Do you mind? Very nice, Al.
You are here dilly-dallying with Jefferson and we're looking for the car.
Peg, what is it with you? You can change six D batteries in the dark but you can't find a 2-ton automobile in broad daylight.
Let's not start talking about who can't find what in the dark.
All right, all right! Here's what we'll do.
We'll split up.
Then what? That's it.
Just split up.
I should've thought of this years ago.
Dad, what about the car? Look, I say we each take a different path and circle the lot.
- I mean, the Dodge has gotta be here.
- Bud's right.
But when we find it, we still get to split up, don't we? Well, Marcie, I see the Town Car is ready.
Anyway l'm sorry I didn't get to see that busy executive husband of yours.
That's right.
He is busy.
Doing what an executive does.
Interfacing, networking, making multi-million-dollar decisions.
Hey, Willy, towel or sponge on the hubcaps? I see he's in the middle of a power wash.
Okay, so maybe he's not on the Forbes 400, or 4000 or maybe he wouldn't even be a rich man in Peru but he's got something you will never have.
A Windex holster? Class.
Which, I might add, money can't buy.
Jefferson doesn't need to make a lot of money.
I'm happy with him just the way he is.
Marcie, I got soap in my eye.
Shut up.
Let's go.
- I thought you wanted me to work.
- I do.
It's just that I have another position in mind for you.
Maybe two.
Here, you dropped your hat.
- Come on, get in the car, let's go.
- Yes, sir.
Hey, hey, hey.
- Aren't those my shoes? - Yes, sir.
I had them polished for you.
You know, I can't believe it.
It's gone.
The Dodge is really gone.
Maybe the earth opened up and swallowed it.
No.
Then it would have spit it back up.
You know, it's not so much the Dodge as what was inside it.
What was in it? Stuff.
- Big 'Uns? - I'm not saying.
Bundy, I just got off the phone with the owner.
He wants to do something to make this up to you.
- What? - We're gonna buy you another car.
- I don't want another car! - Shut up, Al.
- But, Peg, there's still stuff in that car.
- Shut up.
How does a new Hyundai sound? Like an old lawn mower.
I want my car! Would you shut up and just take the car before? - Mr.
Bundy, we found your car.
- Of course.
- Where was it? - On the lot.
Yeah, when we washed all the dirt off, we found it was a different colour.
Gee, Al, maybe if we got you to take a shower, we'd find out you were black.
But then again - Hey, what colour was it? - Red.
Hey, come to think of it, I remember buying a red Dodge.
Look at her, family, isn't she a beaut? Look at him, family, isn't he a shoe salesman? Let's go.
Wait.
I gotta check and see if my stuff's in here.
- What stuff? - Oh, you know.
Big 'Uns.
It's not Big 'Uns, Peg.