Cheers s09e17 Episode Script

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
Afternoon, everyone.
Woody, may I have a beer, please? Oh, just a second, Dr.
Crane.
I'm finishing up this article in Newsweek on genetic coding.
Do you understand it, Woody? No.
Thank God I'm almost finished.
It says here in Scientific American they've isolated the gene that causes arthritis.
What have you got there, Sam? Ad for hair conditioner.
It says it makes your scalp all tingly.
Oh, I'm, I'm glad to see that you're all making an effort to keep yourselves informed.
Yeah, once a week or so, we do try to keep ourselves up on current events.
Okay, gentlemen, toss 'em in.
I got a route to finish.
(theme song begins) Making your way in the world today Takes everything you've got Taking a break from all your worries Sure would help a lot Wouldn't you like to get away? Sometimes you want to go Where everybody knows your name And they're always glad you came You wanna be where you can see Our troubles are all the same You wanna be where everybody knows your name You wanna go where people know People are all the same You wanna go where everybody knows your name.
I hear singing And there's no one there I smell blossoms But the trees are bare All day long I seem to walk on air I wonder why Lilith, Lilith, please get him off the damned karaoke machine.
Okay? He's been on there for three days.
Just make him stop.
Yeah, y-you know him better than anybody else.
There's got to be something you can do.
I can only think of one thing, but it's pretty drastic.
Anything.
I wonder why I wonder why You don't need analyzing It is not so surprising That you feel very strange but nice Look who thinks she's Eydie Gormé.
Eh you know, she's got a nice set of pipes for a shrink, huh? Beautiful.
just what's the matter Hey, guys, listen up for a second, will you? Fellas? Hey, Lilith! (whistling): Lilith! Lilith, cut it, please.
on my shoulder.
Sam, what's going on? I was enjoying that.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Always leave them wanting more.
Guys, listen up for a second.
Will you, please? Uh, when Rebecca comes in, she's, uh, probably not going to be feeling too good, so just take it easy on her.
All right? What's the problem, Sam? Well, she called off the whole wedding.
Get out.
SAM: No, it's true.
I went over there last night.
I tell you, she was a real mess, but she was clear about one thing: she does not love the guy and there's no way she's going to marry him.
Good morning, everyone! Jonathan, thank God you're here.
I'm in such a rush.
Now, I don't have any time for those curlers, so you're going to have to do your trick with the blow-dryer.
Yeah, Sam, she's in agony.
Ordinarily, Sam, people don't deal with depression by putting on a wedding dress and acting giddy.
Except maybe Clavin.
Men don't get giddy.
Yeah, right, nice.
This is crazy.
I got to go find out what's happened.
Way back on my head or up forward like this, whichever way we decide.
Hi, Sam.
What are you doing? I know, I know.
I said that I would never have a traditional wedding, but, you know, deep down inside, doesn't every girl want to get married in white? What about all that stuff you said last night? What stuff? I wasn't even here last night.
I know you weren't here last night.
You were at your apartment.
I was there with you.
Remember? Oh, don't be silly, Sam.
I wouldn't let anybody in that apartment.
It's a mess.
Oh, my God, she doesn't you don't remember, do you? Excuse us.
We're working here.
Dear, I'll need an extension cord for the dryer.
Oh, sure.
Hey, yo, pal.
Listen, I don't care what you're doing here.
Th-This happens to be the most important thing that You use this gel? I tried this.
It just dries my hair out.
Are you touching it during the critical drying stage? What do you think I am, a rookie? You guys, I have my new wedding dress and now all I need is something old, something borrowed, and something blue.
How about Norm's liver? I am almost finished with it.
Uh, Rebecca, I'm probably way out of line here, but, uh I want you to know what a great honor it would be for me to sing at your wedding.
Okay.
Really? Cool! Jonathan, I found the extension cord.
We'll have to finish down at City Hall.
SAM: Honey, now, wait a minute.
We were in your apartment together.
Don't you remember? You came on to me.
You said that you couldn't possibly marry Robin because in your entire life you never had anyone as exciting as me.
My! Someone's full of himself on my wedding day.
Well, Sam, don't just stand there.
Yeah, you're right; I got to find something to jog her memory.
No, no, you got to help me get this machine in the car.
I've got a gig.
Test, testing.
One, two.
A-one, two, three, four.
Chong-ka-ka-chong- ka-chong-ka-chong.
We're going to cook tonight.
Hello, Doc.
Yeah, boy, City Hall-- the civil servant's home away from home.
Yeah, you know, whenever the job gets me down, Norm, I just come around here and roam the halls.
Hey, pal, I thought we told you never to come back here.
How many times we got to throw you out? Look, I-I'm with the wedding.
Is that true, sir? Uh, yes, yeah, yeah, it is but, uh, stick around.
(panting): Oh, great, I'm not too late.
Where's Rebecca? She's in there.
What's all this junk? Oh, this is, uh, just some of her stuff.
I broke into her apartment.
And you passed up her stereo equipment for this? Stay a bartender, Sam.
No, no, no.
No, I'm just hoping when she sees this-- you know, smells the pizza-- that it'll help bring back her memory about last night.
Hey honey, Rebecca? Hi.
Sam, isn't that mine? Yeah, you bet it is.
Here, open the pizza box.
Look at that, huh? Some pizza with Canadian bacon and pineapple and look at your robe here with Canadian bacon and pineapple.
Huh? Now, does this all remind you of something? (gasping): Oh, God, oh, God, I just remembered! Oh, yes! Oh, God, thank you! Th I thought I was going crazy.
Yes, I remembered I left my garter in my car.
Would you get it for me, please? Well, sure, but (blubbering) I don't know why people get so nutty during weddings.
Hey, compared to some cultures, we got it easy.
Take the Wanobis in Central Africa.
Now, there's a ceremony.
See, they get the lovebirds and smear them with a mixture of honey and sweet oil.
Then it's off to the anthill.
Uh, this man's bothering me.
We're talking Why don't you come with me, pal? We're going to that little room downstairs? Yes, yes.
Hey, Rebecca, this is wow, nice hair.
I brought you some samples I had in the car.
Oh, yeah, thanks.
Give us a yoo-hoo if you like them.
Honey.
Honey Sam, where's my garter? Oh, I sent Woody after it.
Listen, sweetheart, we've been friends for a long time, right? Right.
I hope you understand that what I'm doing, I'm doing for you.
I'm doing it out of our, our friendship over the last four years.
I'm doing it because I care.
Okay, Sam, go ahead.
Snap out of it, will you?! Let the fog lift here! You said that you didn't love the guy! What the hell are you doing?! (knocking) Uh, Miss Howe, I couldn't find your garter in your car, but I did find these jumper cables.
Woody, what am I going to do with these? Well, they may not look so great, but they, they'll probably hold up your stockings.
Of course, they might leave a mark.
Great, and what am I supposed to do after the ceremony? Throw a tire iron to the bridesmaids? All right, I'll be right back.
SAM: Oh, hell, I give up.
You know, do what you want.
Marry Robin.
I hope you'll be very happy, waking up every morning to (imitating Robin): "Good morning, Rebecca.
" Good morning, Rebecca.
(chuckles) Darling, I know it's bad luck to see the bride before the wedding, but, well, I've, uh, lost my fortune; I've been to prison.
What more could happen to me? You know, I can't keep this a secret any longer.
Do you remember the day we first made love and I surprised you by flying in Bill Medley of the Righteous Brothers to sing for you? Of course I do.
That was a wonderful present, Robin.
Well, I thought it would be sweet if, uh, I could find some way to relive that memory on our wedding day, and now that I'm finally unchained Oh my love (gasping) My darlin' I've hungered for your touch My God! It's the other Righteous Brother! Bobby Hatfield.
Oh, no, no, to me he'll always be the other Righteous Brother.
so slowly I'm, uh, ready to start.
And time Who's this bozo? I'm Bobby Hatfield.
Yes, Robin gave him to me as a present.
He's going to sing at my wedding.
Isn't that wonderful? Oh.
So he's in and I'm out? Well, fine.
Instead of my personal gift of song, I'll just get you a set of steak knives.
So you can cut out my heart again.
Young man, would you make sure everyone gets seated? Oh, yes, Father.
I'm not a priest.
I'm a government official.
Oh.
I'm sorry, Your Honor.
No, son, that would be a judge.
I'm a Justice of the Peace.
Well, then, what should I call you? You can call me Ed.
Well, it looks like I I won't be singing after all.
But Rebecca has graciously invited me to push the buttons for Mr.
Bobby Hatfield.
Let's see.
What number is "Unchained Melody?" U-14.
Yes, master.
("Unchained Melody" plays) Oh, my love My darling That's a lovely song.
I hunger That's because we're close to the speaker.
For your touch Every time I hear that song, it reminds me of the first time we saw Ghost.
Hey, Lilith, songs do make you remember things, right? Oh, most definitely.
Music is perhaps one of the most evocative of the associative stimuli.
And I Some fascinating data-gathering was done in 1957 in Brussels, when the So slowly They always leave when I get to the interesting part.
And time (instrumental intro plays for "We've Got Tonight") It's okay.
It's her other favorite song.
We've got tonight She sang it to me just last night.
BOBBY: Who needs tomorrow? Let's make it last, babe Let's find a way I know I've heard this song before.
Turn out the lights I just can't remember when.
Come on and hold my hand It seems like it was We got tonight, honey Oh, God! Why don't you stay? Why don't you stay? Turn out the light Rebecca, this is insanity! Open the door! Is she ready to go on with the ceremony? We're on a very tight schedule here.
I have fishing licenses to pass out.
Uh, well, there's got to be another key someplace, Ed.
Second floor.
Security.
Oh.
You know, I just don't understand this.
She's always seemed so stable before.
Did you two ever really talk? Hey, guy, what's, uh what's going on? Did I miss much? Uh, no, not much.
Looks like the wedding might be off.
What are you talking about? After I spent all that time tying tin cans to the back of Robin's car and spraying it with shaving cream, tying toilet paper to it? Robin doesn't have a car.
Oh.
It just irritates me.
I mean, I was all ready to sing at this wedding, and then you walk in the door.
Well, naturally, you're the better singer.
You're a professional.
Well, I'd be willing to bet that I'm a better psychiatrist than you are.
Really? Uh, how long have you felt this way? Then again, I could be wrong.
Boy, I could sure go for a taste of this cake.
We really don't need this congratulations anymore.
No.
Not if they're not getting married.
Hey.
Wow, we've really kind of made a mess of this top part here.
CARLA: Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, well, we'll just take out the whole layer.
Okay.
CARLA: Yeah! Are you ready to go on with the ceremony? No.
Not yet.
I need to work a few things out.
I-I need somebody to talk to.
Anybody.
I-I I really need some help! (crowd murmuring) REBECCA: Not Paul! I can't help somebody who doesn't want to be helped.
You okay, honey? No.
I need time to think.
I have to talk to somebody about this.
I-I need to talk to somebody so they can help me figure out what my problem is.
Did you try talking to Paul? (scoffs) No, I did not talk to Paul! Well, he's always helped me.
He's got a super outlook on life.
You know, when I heard that song starting to play, suddenly, it all came back to me.
Everything that I said last night.
Oh! Oh, God, Sam! Why is this happening to me?! Because you don't love him.
I know.
I did love him.
Well, m-maybe you loved him when he was rich, but that's different now.
What?! What are you saying? Are you saying that I only cared about Robin when he had money? Well, it's the truth, isn't it? How dare you tell me that I only loved him for his money! I am not that shallow.
I am not that superficial.
I am not that creepy! You think that I only loved him for his money.
Well, you are wrong, buster, and I'm gonna prove it.
Robin! Ed! Bobby! Hit it! ("Unchained Melody" plays) Oh, my love Cliff, let's try to put the cake back together.
Forget the cake.
How are we going to get these presents re-wrapped? Hunger for your touch A long lonely time (tape clicks off) Under the bylaws of the Massachusetts Fish and Game Commission Oops.
Sorry.
That's that's all right, Ed.
We've, um We've prepared our own vows.
ED: Oh.
Go ahead.
Shall I compare thee to a Summer's day? Thou art more lovely and more temperate: Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May and Summer's lease have all too short a stay: Sometime too hot the eye of heaven doth shine, and often is his gold complexion dimmed; And every fair from fair sometime declines, by chance or nature's changing course untrimmed; But thy eternal Summer shall not fade, nor lose possession of that fair thou owest; Nor shall Death brag thou wanderest in his shade when in eternal lines to time thou owest: As long as men can breathe or eyes can see, so long lives this, and this gives life to thee.
R-Rebecca? I only loved you for your money.
REBECCA: I'm hateful.
I am the most awful person that I have ever met in my life.
I don't deserve to live.
Carla, what am I gonna do? You could throw yourself into the Charles.
I don't think so.
How about heaving yourself off the Prudential Building? That's a 52-story drop.
You hit the pavement, they'll be scraping you up with a spatula, just like they do in the cartoons! Oh! You know, Paul was right.
You can't help somebody who doesn't want to be helped.
Aw, honey.
Sweetheart? I-I know it's been a hell of a day for you, and we all really feel bad for you, but there's just one more thing.
What? Well, it's kind of a good news-bad news thing.
Oh.
What's the bad news? Well, the bad news is Robin's outside, and he wants to talk to you.
(groans) Oh, my God.
What's the good news? I lied about the good news.
Will you see him? Hey, will you look at that! Your hair still retained its bounce! I mean, that's something, isn't it? Rebecca? What's going on? Have I done something wrong? Oh, no.
Robin, it's not you.
It's me.
I don't understand.
Oh, I can't say this to your face.
Please turn around.
Oh, gee, you've got a cute butt.
Robin, I can't say this to your butt.
Turn around again.
I don't love you, Robin.
When did this happen? Well, near as I can figure, about the time they sealed your safe deposit box.
But I thought you were the one who didn't care about my money.
I thought you were the one who was going to stand by me.
I thought I was your sweet baby.
No.
You was my rich baby.
All right, so, you loved me for my money.
Well, what if I were to tell you that I had $6 million stashed away in a money belt before my arrest? Now, would that make any difference? No.
No, it wouldn't.
I see.
(clicks tongue) Well What's that? $6 million.
Farewell, Rebecca.
Honey, I hope you don't mind, but I was listening outside.
I can't believe you turned down all that cash! You're changing, honey.
That was the bravest thing I've ever seen you do! (sobbing): I thought he was bluffing, Sam! Just let me go! No! No! No!