Seinfeld s09e17 Episode Script

- You hanging out? - Yeah, yeah.
Hello? Hello? You're bad, huh? I'd like to see you come up here and say that to my face.
So, what's the deal with politics? I don't get it.
Am I right, people? I don't believe this.
I read somewhere that this Brentano's is the place to meet girls in New York.
First it was the health club, then the supermarket, now the bookstore.
They can put it anywhere they want.
No one's meeting anybody.
Jerry, look at all these pagodas, huh? I gotta get over to Hong Kong before it all goes back to China.
You better hurry.
I'm gonna hit the head.
Boy, look at this.
Hong Kong's outlawed the rickshaw.
I thought those would be perfect for New York.
Yes.
The city needs more slow moving wicker vehicles.
Well, Elaine's been to Hong Kong.
I should give her a call.
She's at that annual Peterman party tonight.
The one she danced at last year.
No, that wasn't dancing.
Hey, there's Leo.
- Oh, who's Leo? - Uncle Leo.
Oh, yeah, right.
Uncle Leo.
Forgot his first name.
Did I just see that? Well, that ought to keep you busy for a couple of days, huh? So, Elaine, are you gonna dance this year? Maybe.
All over your face.
If you do dance, the cooks wanna know, so they can be brought out of the kitchen.
They missed it last year.
My friends, a toast.
As the woolly-haired Melanesians of Papua New Guinea once said: All right.
Who's dancing? No? All right, I'll just have to get things started.
Hi, I'm Zach.
Hi.
I'm miserable.
Excuse me, sir.
What are you doing? I'm all set.
Did you take that book with you into the bathroom? What do you want to hear? They made me buy it.
A hundred bucks, this thing cost me.
How dare they.
I got news for you.
If it wasn't for the toilet, there would be no books.
Yeah, I understand Gutenberg used to spend a fair amount of time in there.
They're selling coffee, bran muffins.
You're surrounded by reading material.
It's entrapment.
"French Impressionist Paintings"? I find the soothing pastoral images very conducive Thank you very much.
I'm gonna go back there and return it when there's different people working.
- You wanna catch a movie? - I can't.
I'm meeting Uncle Leo.
I saw him shoplifting at the bookstore.
All right, Leo.
Sticking it to the man.
- Sleeping in the car again? - Cocktail flu.
Oh, right, the big party.
You didn't dance again, did you? No.
I found a better way to humiliate myself.
There was this guy and we had a few too many.
- You went home with him? - Worse.
We made out at the table like our plane was going down.
Oh, the drunken make-out.
An office classic.
Did you end up Xeroxing anything? Do you know how embarrassing this is to someone in my position? - What is your position? - I'm an associate.
- Hey, me too.
- Yeah, me too.
Oh, God.
Why did I do this? Now, I'm the office skank.
Well, unless, you tell everybody you're dating.
Oh, right.
Because if we're dating, what everyone saw was just a beautiful moment between two lovers.
As opposed to a spirited bout of skanko Roman wrestling.
Bravo.
Oh, hey.
Can I fix you fellas some drinks and sandwiches? No, we've already eaten.
But you can clear some of this stuff out of the way.
Jerry, check this out.
Remember my idea about rickshaws in New York? - Well, we're gonna make it happen.
- No, you're not.
Well, Newman, he knows a guy in the Hong Kong post office.
No, he doesn't.
He's shipping a rickshaw.
It can't miss.
Yes, it can.
We'll start out with one.
When it catches on we're gonna have a whole fleet.
It's the romance of the handsome cab without the guilt or dander of the equine.
So who's gonna pull this thing? - Well, I just assumed you would.
- Yeah, but I thought My, isn't this an awkward moment? What about the homeless? Can't we worry about them later? To pull the rickshaw.
They have an intimate knowledge of the street.
Always walking around the city.
Why not just strap something to them? Now, that's the first sensible idea I've heard all day.
Jerry, hello.
So, Leo, how's everything? You doing okay? I still have the ringing in the ears.
Sounds like the phone.
Yeah, yeah, but what about money? Are you strapped? Do you need a little? Are you kidding? I should be loaning you money.
But I'm not.
Leo, I saw you in Brentano's yesterday.
Why didn't you say hello? Because you were too busy stealing a book.
You still say hello.
Oh, I saw you steal.
Oh, they don't care.
We all do it.
Who, criminals? Senior citizens.
No big deal.
- You could get arrested.
- Arrested? Come on.
I'm an old man.
I'm confused.
I thought I paid for it.
What's my name? Could you take me home? Leo.
All right, all right, Mr.
Goody-Two-Shoes.
- You made your point.
- Thank you.
Will somebody answer that damn phone.
Of course, Zach and I have been dating.
What did you think? I was the office skank? Well Well? We've been dating for three months between you and me and anyone else you wanna tell.
Oh, man.
- Isn't that Zach? - Yeah.
Aren't you upset? Yes.
Oh, man.
All right, listen up.
Now, you three have been hand-picked out of possibly dozens who applied.
Now, what we're looking for are motivated hard-working, homeless gentlemen, like yourselves, to pull rickshaws.
Now, I don't care where you're from, or how you got here or what happened to your homes, but you will have to be physically fit.
The government.
Because to pull rickshaws requires more than just strong legs.
You're also gonna need a well-toned upper body or a shirt.
All right, who's first? - Name please? - Rusty.
Rusty.
You know, I once knew a horse named Rusty.
No offense.
All right, now.
Take it down to the end of the block.
Make a controlled turn and bring her back.
Let's see what you got.
- Okay, ready and go.
- Giddap.
Good form.
Pace yourself.
You're gonna have to do this all day for very little money.
- Hey, what's he doing? - I think he's stealing our rickshaw.
Well, then he's out.
I'll take the job.
Potato salad.
Yes, I need to return this book.
I'm sorry, we can't take this book back.
- Why not? - It's been flagged.
- Flagged? - It's been in the bathroom.
It says that on the computer? Please take it home.
We don't want it near the other books.
Well, you just lost a lot of business because I love to read.
I don't believe this.
I wonder if you could do me a favor.
My uncle's having a little problem with shoplifting.
Where's your uncle? He's over there in the overcoat.
If you could just kind of put a scare into him.
Set him straight.
We have a 5150 in paperbacks.
All units respond.
Roger.
Ten-four.
I'm gonna have to ask you to stand out of the way and let us handle this.
Swarm.
Swarm.
What? - I'm an old man.
I'm confused.
- You're under arrest.
I just wanted you to scare him.
Jerry, you ratted me out.
Hello? Hello.
Mom, I didn't rat out Uncle Leo.
I just wanted the guard to scare him straight.
Jerry, he won't last a day in prison.
Prison? I'm sure it's just a fine.
He's got priors.
Prior convictions? Leo? It was a crime of passion.
Leave it alone.
Besides, it's not stealing if it's something you need.
- What does that mean? - Nobody pays for everything.
You're stealing too? What are you stealing? Nothing.
Batteries.
Well, they wear out so quick.
Mom, you too? Sometimes your father forgets, so, I have to steal them.
All right, I'll talk to you later.
Well, the rickshaw's gone.
We strapped it to a homeless guy and he bolted.
Well, you know, 85 percent of all homeless-rickshaw businesses fail within the first three months.
We should've got some collateral from him.
Like his bag of cans, or his other bag of cans.
We gotta find that rickshaw.
You check the sewers and dumpsters.
I'll hit the soup kitchens, bakeries and smorgasbords.
To the idiot-mobile.
So even though you're not really going out with this guy, he's cheating on you.
- That is correct.
But here's the beauty part.
Now, I stand up for myself by telling everybody I'm dumping his sorry ass and I'm the office - Tina Turner? - All right.
Well, I've been to every Brentano's.
This thing is flagged in every database in town.
Is it so horrible to have to keep a book? I don't understand what the big deal is.
They let you try on pants.
Not underpants.
- Hey, that's your Uncle Leo.
- Uncle Leo.
Hello.
- Jerry.
- Uncle Leo.
I'm sorry.
I didn't know about your past.
You mean my crime of passion? Anyone betrays me, I never forget.
Uncle Leo.
Wait.
Hello.
French lmpressionism.
Oh, I love this.
Now, what is the problem with this book? - Nothing.
- How much you want for it? You know, I could let it go for say a hundred and twenty-five.
Leo's furious.
What is that doing on the table? Jerry.
Simmer down.
I'm not eating anything in the vicinity of that book.
- What is wrong with this book? - Simmer.
That book has been on a wild ride.
George took into the bathroom at Brentano's - All right.
Everyone clear.
Biohazard, coming through.
Clear.
Clear.
May I ask what do you read in the bathroom? I don't read in the bathroom.
Well, aren't you something? Elaine, do you have a moment? It's about your lover.
Oh, yes, I know all about his little performance in the break room.
Elaine.
Who among us hasn't snuck into the break room to nibble on a love newton? Love newton? I'm afraid the problem with Zach is more serious.
He's back on the horse, Elaine.
Smack.
White palace.
The Chinamen's nightcap.
An addict.
Well, it just keeps getting better.
And in a tiny way I almost feel responsible.
I'm the one who sent him to Thailand in search of low-cost whistles filled his head with pseudo-erotic tales of my own opium excursions.
Plus, I gave him phone numbers of places he could score near the hotel.
Look, Mr.
Peterman the fact is, is that I was planning on breaking up with Zach anyway.
He was cheating on me.
Damn it, Elaine, that wasn't Zach.
That was the yam-yam.
Now, he is going cold turkey and you will be at his side.
- Oh, what, you know, I had planned - No buts, Elaine or I will strip you of your associate status.
Oh, P.
S the first 24 hours are the worst.
Better bring a poncho.
It was a crime of passion.
If anyone betrays me, I never forget it.
He won't last a day in prison.
Jerry.
Hello.
Jerry.
Hello.
Jerry.
Answer the damn phone.
- Hello? - Hey, it's me.
- Uncle Leo? - Oh, that's nice.
What are you up to? Nightmares.
You? My fake boyfriend is going through real withdrawals.
- I'm burning up.
- Eat your soup.
- You're not feeding him, are you? - Why? I told you, away from the curtains.
Away.
Use your bucket.
There you go, that's it.
Okay, you know what? I gotta go.
Hey, buddy.
- Kramer.
- Thought I heard you.
- Get out of here.
- Kramer.
Kramer.
There you are.
Will everybody please leave.
I just heard a postman spotted a rickshaw down in Battery Park.
- Our rickshaw? - It's possible.
I want everyone out.
Hey, let's talk in Jerry's kitchen.
I'll make some cocoa.
Goodnight, Jerry.
Goodnight, Newman.
- There it is.
- Rusty.
Oh, there you are.
Oh, do I get the job? Yeah, yeah, we'll get back to you.
Let's get this baby home.
- What? - You know, when you think about it it's kind of silly for us both to pull this thing all the way back up town.
I mean, after all, it is a conveyance.
Yes, that's true.
So which one of us is gonna pull? Well, there's only way to settle this.
One spot, two spot, zigzag, tear, pop-dye, penny got, tennyum, tear harum-scarum, rip them, tear them, te, ta, toe.
Yeah.
Best two out of three.
One spot, two spot Hey, boy.
Smooth it out up there.
Too much jostling.
So you wanna donate this to charity? Well, I assume there's some sort of write-off.
- What's the value of the book? - About $200 Miss DeMooney.
It's DeMornay.
Rebecca DeMornay.
Oh, wait a second.
This book has been in a bathroom.
Well, what are you talking about? That's ridiculous.
It's been flagged.
I know.
I used to work in a Brentano's.
Mister, we're trying to help the homeless here.
It's bad enough that we have some nut out there trying to strap them to a rickshaw.
All right.
I'll just take 50.
Do we have a deal? Yeah and here it is.
You get your toilet book out of here and I won't jump over this counter and punch you in the brain.
- I could take it in merchandise.
- Here I come.
So this book will tell me how to get puke out of cashmere? - Yeah.
- Great.
- So the worst is over? - Yeah.
Now I can break up with him.
He's clean and I'm the office hero.
You're better at fake relationships than real ones.
Yeah.
I even got an idea out of it.
The detox poncho.
I'll see you.
I'd like to speak with the manager, please.
Fine your pace, boy.
Chop chop.
Well, I've hit the wall.
I gotta take a break.
Well, don't tarry, I'm behind schedule as it is.
Boy.
Boy.
Kramer! Well, this is the first day of the rest of my life.
George, what are you doing here? I can't sell the book.
It's been marked.
It certainly has.
So, I'm gonna steal another one and then I'm gonna return it.
That way, everything is even.
You defile one book, steal another, ask for your money back and to you that's even.
I'm going in.
Did you want to speak to the manager? Yes.
My Uncle Leo was caught shoplifting here the other day.
Yes.
Uncle Leo.
I remember him.
I'm sorry.
Our policy is we prosecute all shoplifters.
Oh, come on.
He's just a lonely old man.
All old people steal.
That's right.
That's why we stopped carrying batteries.
I'll be honest with you.
We've had trouble with theft lately and my boss said I have to make an example of someone.
- So it could be anyone? - Well, I guess.
As long as we catch him in the act.
That guy.
Swarm.
Swarm.
Oh, Jerry!