The Middle s09e17 Episode Script

1 [SIGHS.]
[SNIFFS.]
By the way, you were wrong.
Yeah? Look around.
I know.
When I was putting on my work shirt this morning, two things dawned on me.
One, this shade of blue really makes my eyes pop, and, two, this shirt does not require a tie.
I don't know why I would want to extend this conversation, but how's that make me wrong? 'Cause you're always up in my grille.
"You gotta learn how to tie a tie, Axl.
You gonna need it for your job.
" Well, I've got a job, and the only person in my entire company who wears a tie is the talking toilet logo.
Look, every man should know how to do seven things, and tying a tie is one of 'em.
Huh.
I don't know why I'd want to extend this conversation, so I won't.
The other six are whistle with your fingers, read a map, grill with charcoal, shine your shoes, open a bottle without an opener, and breaking down a door.
Wow.
That's all pretty relevant stuff.
Got any more gems like that, just shoot me a fax.
Why is that funny? - 'Cause it's old.
[CHUCKLES.]
- Ah.
How am I supposed to learn how to drive if you won't let me practice? I'm sorry, Brick, but there were eggs in the car and me.
Dad, will you please talk some sense into your wife? My learner's permit expires in a week, and if I don't get my license, you're gonna have to pay $9 of your hard-earned money for me to renew it.
A small price to pay to live.
Look, Brick, we gave you plenty of chances, but both your dad and I don't feel comfortable letting you back on the road.
So, in other words, you two think I'm such a terrible driver that if I even step foot in that car, I'll hurt myself, you guys, and other innocent people? Actually, those are the perfect words.
Good listening, buddy.
[SIGHS.]
[ UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS OVER HEADPHONES.]
Aah! [CHUCKLES.]
- Hi, Shelly.
- Sorry.
I rang the doorbell, but nobody answered.
That's okay.
I am always happy to see a Donahue I mean all Donahues in general, not a specific Donahue.
I love all Donahues equally, and so on and so forth and what have you.
Um, I won this at your Yankee Swap party, and I was wondering if you had the box it came in.
I'm gonna give it to my pen pal, Juliette, in England.
What? No! No, you can't send that to England.
I don't know how to say this, but that snow globe is really important to me, so if you're not gonna keep it, I would appreciate it if you could give it back to me.
- Of course, I'll give it back to you - Aww.
for an item of equal or greater value.
Okay, I'm willing to make that trade, but I must warn you, I am a very tough negotiator.
[ ANNOUNCER SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY ON TV.]
[ WHISTLE BLOWS.]
[DOOR OPENS.]
[DOOR CLOSES.]
[ LOUD WHISTLE.]
Oh, I'm sorry.
Did I startle you? Or should I say, did my phone startle you? I found a whistle app.
It's got Falling Off A Cliff [ WHISTLE!.]
the now-inappropriate construction-worker catcall [ WOLF-WHISTLES.]
and several fart noises.
[ FARTING SOUNDS.]
[FARTS.]
Sorry.
That last one was real.
The point is, I no longer need your little list.
Hey, Mom.
Can I pick your brain? Sure, but I don't know why you'd want to.
I just came in here from the kitchen, and I literally have no idea why.
Well, I was thinking of giving this snow globe to Sean.
You know, I thought it'd be cool because he always calls me his special snowflake, and, also [SIGHS.]
I was thinking of telling him how I feel.
- Really? - Yeah.
Ever since we kissed, I've been trying to find the perfect moment, but I feel like I just need to lay it all on the line, and then whatever happens, happens.
I totally agree.
You know, everyone assumes that the guy should be the first one to say how he feels, but the truth is, some guys need a little push.
Is that how it was with you and Dad? Well not exactly.
Oh, so he didn't tell you he loved you first? I'm not sure he's ever told me that, but he definitely implied it at our wedding.
Oh.
What do all these shoes have in common? They stink? Wrong.
[SNIFFS.]
Well, maybe.
The correct answer is, none of them have to be shined.
Mic drop.
Ooh.
Shoe drop.
Well, I am headed back to school.
Who knows? Next time you see me [SINGSONG VOICE.]
I might have some news.
Get these shoes off my table, or I'll make you drive with Brick.
[DOOR OPENS, CLOSES.]
[PANTING.]
My car was stolen! It was right here last night.
I loaded it up to go to school, and now it's gone.
- It's gone! - Okay, calm down.
Calm down? Thieves brazenly walked up the driveway, opened the car door, grabbed the keys from the dashboard, and stole my car! Oh, my God.
I can't believe it.
Sue, I am so sorry.
Excuse me, but I believe I'm the real victim in this crime.
I was next in line to get Aunt Edie's car.
Actually, I am.
What are you talking about? You already got a car.
You wrecked it on spring break.
True, but I'm the oldest, so I just get back in line.
That's not how it works.
Can we please stop fighting about who gets the car? It's my car, and it was stolen.
Well, we gotta go to the police.
I just want to remind you, the last time we reported a car stolen, it turned out you had just forgotten where you parked it.
So before we get the police involved, I think Sue should think about what she did yesterday and make sure you didn't leave it somewhere other than our driveway.
I'll think about it, but I am positive it was in the driveway last night.
Great.
If we don't get this car back, I'm never gonna be able to drive.
[SIGHS.]
Don't try to put a positive spin on it, Brick.
It's just bad.
[SIGHS.]
FRANKIE: I couldn't believe in Orson, Indiana, something like this would happen.
- Who would do such a - [TIRES SCREECH.]
[CRASH.]
Hey! Hey! Hey, that's my daughter's car! If it's your daughter's car, how come I'm drivin' it? Uh, maybe 'cause you're a thief.
It's mine.
My boys gave me this car as a gift for bein' a good mama.
If it's your car, why do you have an "I Heart Dolphins" key chain? 'Cause I do heart dolphins.
They're the clowns of the sea.
- [SCOFFS.]
- Ooh.
I know what you're tryin' to do.
You're tryin' to provoke me into a physical "alterfication.
" Well, I'm better than that.
And I got two strikes.
[SIGHS.]
Look, Rita, I am not making this up.
My Aunt Edie gave that car to my daughter.
Well, then, your Aunt Edie can come get it back.
[SIGHS.]
She passed away.
Oh, ain't that convenient? The only person who can "corraborate" your story is dead? - Ha! - [SCOFFS.]
Come on, Rita.
Do the right thing.
Hate speech! Hate speech! She's hates me because I'm white! I'm white! [ENGINE STARTS.]
[BAGS THUD.]
You are not leaving in my car.
That's right.
I'm leaving in mine.
I was gonna go get Tang and cigarettes, but I guess my kids will just go hungry.
Aah! [TIRES SQUEAL.]
[SIGHS DEEPLY.]
[BAGS RUSTLING.]
Glossners! - Glossners.
- What? The Glossners stole our car.
I said, "Rita, that's our car.
" And she was all, "You're just tryin' to provoke me into an alterfication.
" The Glossners stole our car? Yeah, can you believe it? Guess it's gone forever.
[SCOFFS.]
What do you mean, "It's gone forever"? We're not talking about a rake or a garden hose here, Frankie.
We're talking about an automobile.
That's a felony, and we're going to the police.
Come on, Mike.
You know what happens when you snitch on the Glossners.
They get you back a thousand times over.
We're not going to the police.
Going to the police for what? Glossners stole our car.
What?! Ugh! Aw, well, I guess it's gone forever.
What is the matter with you two? Mike, this is the Glossners.
We can't poke the bear on this one.
The hell we can't.
The bear stole our car! So, did the car have any distinguishing features? Well, there was a crack on the windshield, and there was a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
Oh, do those work? Not in this family.
The dreams come up, then go right around it.
Anything valuable inside the vehicle? Well, I was getting ready to drive back to school, so there was my duffel, a Little Betty cupcake in the middle console for the 42-minute drive, and [GASPS.]
Oh, my God.
My snow globe was in there.
That means the Glossners have my snow globe, too.
The Glossners? Well, sorry, folks.
I guess the car is gone forever.
Why does everyone keep saying that? I don't like to deal with the Glossners.
They're criminals.
You're supposed to deal with criminals.
That's your exact job description.
Now it's the next guy's job description.
I'm retiring in four days.
Look, my backyard butts right up against the Glossners, and I just resodded my lawn.
What is happening here? Am I supposed to just forget about my car? Ah, the Glossners get tired of stuff.
You'll probably find your car on the side of the road in a couple of months.
Trust me, you don't wanna poke the bees' nest on this one.
That's exactly what I said, but I used "bear" instead of "bees.
" They're not bees, and they're not bears.
They're felons, and they stole my damn car.
Huh.
I can't believe the cops aren't gonna do anything! One time, I accidentally walked out of the Orson Bowl in bowling shoes.
They sent both squad cars.
Well, the Glossners are above the law.
I mean, think of all the things they've done to us over the years.
They blew up our mailbox.
They peanut-buttered our mailbox.
They dog-doo'd our mailbox.
- What is their deal with our mailbox? - Ugh.
When I had my fifth-grade camping party, they skunked our tent.
What kind of people just have a skunk lying around, waiting to terrorize little girls? The same people who drew boobs on our garage.
How about the time they wrote "nerd" on the side of the house with an arrow pointing to my bedroom? Actually, that was me.
[SIGHS.]
You know, as long as the Glossners live in that house, this is gonna be our lives.
This is how it's gonna be forever.
[SIGHS.]
It doesn't have to be.
Dad, we went to the Orson Police.
You can't go any higher than that.
I'm goin' over to the Glossners.
You're gonna take our car back? I'm gonna do more than that.
I'm gonna take our neighborhood back.
Who's with me? I'm in.
I'm in.
I'm in.
I know, from a dramatic standpoint, I'm supposed to say "I'm in," but I'm not really sure what I can contribute.
Fine.
I'm in.
[CHUCKLES.]
[SIGHS.]
Let's do this.
- [BANGS ON DOOR.]
- Rita! We're here to take our car back! You can make this easy, or you can make it hard! RITA: You know what to do boys! [INDISTINCT SHOUTING.]
[SHOUTING CONTINUES.]
It's an ambush! Oh, my God! What the Retreat! Retreat! Aah! Diaper.
[SQUEALS.]
[MUNCHING.]
Ow! Hey! Frankie, I need one of your emergency cookies.
I don't have any! I know you do! Hey, little kid, looky.
Cookie.
Here you go! Yum, yum, yum.
[SHOUTING CONTINUES.]
[ALL BREATHING HEAVILY.]
What the hell happened? I'll tell you what happened we got our butts kicked.
That's what happened.
MIKE: Hey.
Where have you been? It occurred to me that in most action movies, there's a tech guy who hangs back and does his "tech thing.
" He's usually played by a young Jonah Hill-type.
We almost got killed out there, Brick! They wrapped me up in a volleyball net.
Hey, this is ours.
Okay, look, it's clear the Glossners aren't gonna go down without a fight, so we gotta rethink our strategy and get that car back.
Do we, though? I mean, we did get our volleyball net back.
I'm with Axl.
I say we call it a win and go home.
No! We're always the people who give it our half.
This time, we're gonna give it our all.
Yeah, I'm with Dad.
"Wonder Woman" just came out on Redbox, and if I took one thing away from that movie, it's that women can kick butt.
How about you get through the door at Curves without being winded and then we'll talk? I say we call a family vote.
All in favor of leaving with our health and what's left of our dignity say "aye.
" Aye.
Aye.
- BRICK: All opposed? - Nay.
Nay.
Ha! It's a tie.
Wait.
How can it be a tie? Did we not count Brick? I'm standing right here with my hand up.
[GASPS.]
They have Sue.
[MUFFLED SCREAM.]
We have to get Sue.
I don't wanna seem insensitive, but I was under the impression we were here to get my car.
My car.
- You're not getting away with this.
- I told you I'm the oldest! - It's my car and - Come on! Hey, we're gonna get the car and Sue.
Axl, you and I are gonna storm the house.
Brick, you act as a lookout while your mom sneaks into the garage to see if the car is there.
Okay.
[ALL SIGH.]
They have us outnumbered.
It's a suicide mission.
[SIGHS.]
They used to have us outnumbered.
We're here to kick some butt.
And I made deviled eggs.
Fighting Glossners makes me hungry.
I tried to get Paula in on this, but she's on a date with some guy.
[VOICE BREAKING.]
Talk about getting blindsided.
Not the time, Bill.
All right.
Here we go.
3, 2, 1.
[ALL SHOUTING.]
[ALL SHOUTING.]
Aah-ha-ha! Aah! Hey, this is ours, too.
Oh, God.
Aah! I am taking you boys home, cooking you a good meal, making you watch "Little House on the Prairie," and getting you to bed at a decent hour! There's Glossners at 2:00, 6:00, 10:00.
Glossners at all o'clocks! FRANKIE: Ow! Hey! That was my non-bruised leg! [GRUNTING.]
Now you've made me mad! Aaaaaaaah! [GROANS.]
Step aside.
I got an app on my phone for that.
Really? No.
BILL: Mike! Help! Please don't hurt me.
I'm a single dad.
What are you lookin' at, ya woman? Hey.
That's not cool, man.
Aah! [SHOUTING CONTINUES.]
Ow! Stupid hip.
[GASPS, SCREAMS.]
[WHISPERING.]
Rita, please Don't you "Rita, please" me.
How dare you come onto my property and threaten my family? I could disappear you right now.
Remember, you have two strikes.
No alterfications.
[LAUGHS.]
- Are you makin' fun of me? - No.
No, ma'am.
I am not.
I would never do that.
- [GRUNTS.]
- [STRAINED.]
Okay, I Look.
I-I know you're mad, and I get it.
But think about it, think about it.
[COUGHS.]
We're both moms, right? W-We need a mom revolution and and and love.
Love is the only way to start that.
Love, sweet love.
What the world needs now is love, sweet love.
[SIGHS.]
Oh, thank God.
Thank you so much, Rita.
I knew that you'd see it.
See this.
Aah! [HORN BLARING.]
Aah! Aaah! We are not doing well at all.
[INDISTINCT SHOUTING.]
That's Cindy's backup safari hat! Those monsters! Axl?! Oh, thank God.
But the door was locked from both sides.
I know.
I had to kick it in.
[GASPS.]
Wait.
I think the keys to my car are in Rita's purse.
Ah, yes! [GASPS.]
[INDISTINCT SHOUTING.]
AXL: Dad! [SHOUTING CONTINUES.]
[BLOWS.]
[WHISTLES.]
[MIKE WHISTLES.]
Hey! I caught 'em! Get the car! Really? You guys want me to drive? You guys trust me?! Go! I won't let you down! And I just wanna say that it really means a lot! Just go! [ENGINE STARTS.]
[ENGINE REVVING.]
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS.]
[ENGINE REVS.]
[MUZAK PLAYS.]
Drive! Go faster! I'm gonna prove to you I could be a cautious driver! Look, not now, Brick! Now we want you to drive fast! I won't! Where ya goin' with my snow globe? Actually, I'm pretty sure it's my snow globe.
You remember the promise I made to you? Mm, I hope it was to give me my snow globe and car back and let me go home.
[LAUGHS NERVOUSLY.]
I promised to better myself for you, so I got a job at a tattoo parlor.
My first paycheck was 50 bucks.
After beer and cigarettes, I got 18 bucks left over.
I figure that's enough for us to start a life together.
Oh, that is very flattering, but I-I kind of like someone else now.
That's actually why I need the snow globe, to give it to the guy I like.
You cheatin' on me? No! No, no, please! Derrick Derrick, don't you see? You did better yourself, but you didn't do it for me.
You did it for you.
Now it's time to prove that you're a better man by giving me that snow globe and letting me go.
Yeah.
You're right.
- This should go to the man you love.
- [SIGHS.]
- Over my dead body.
- Aah! No.
No, no, no.
No! [SOUR NOTES PLAYS.]
- [BREATHING HEAVILY.]
- [SIRENS WAILING.]
[TIRES SCREECHING.]
[POLICE RADIO CHATTER.]
Thank you for taking down those terrible Glossners.
You're very brave.
Really? Thank you.
[CHUCKLES.]
I feel a lot safer especially being a single woman who just moved into the neighborhood.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
I'm Bill.
Hi.
Hi.
Nice job, Dad.
Pretty badass for an old guy.
Any time you want me to write down that list for you, just let me know.
I think I'm all right.
Okay, that I got to learn.
Got my snow globe back.
You got your neighborhood back.
Hey, thank you, Sheriff Dugan.
Eh, I didn't need a good lawn anyway.
Yep, after a 20-year reign of terror, we finally got our neighborhood back.
A bunch of Glossners got locked up in juvie, and the truant officer made two of 'em go back to school.
And a funny thing happened once there were less kids in the house.
Rita actually became a little more human.
Flowers look great, Rita.
Thanks, neighbor.
[CHUCKLES.]
And I didn't even steal these from a cemetery.
I'll put some in a beer can and bring 'em over later.
[CHUCKLES.]
Let's face it It's the kids' fault.
It's the kids that make you crabby.