Seinfeld s09e18 Episode Script

- Elaine, cake? - Oh, no thanks.
It's Walter's special day.
There are 200 people who work in this office.
Every day is somebody's special day.
Elaine, where you going? It's Walter's last day.
We have to celebrate.
It's his birthday and it's his last day? This is other Walter from returns.
Hey, what's going on here? Surprise! Oh, guys.
Elaine, it's my last day.
Have a piece.
All right, pile it on.
What is so bad about having a piece of cake? It is the forced socializing.
Just because we work in the same office why do we have to act like we're friends? Why aren't you there now? I had to take a sick day, I'm so sick of these people.
I talked to Lisi and tomorrow night's good for her.
I shouldn't go out with a friend of yours.
I foresee messiness.
You're better off sitting around reading comic books and eating spaghetti at 2 in the morning.
Hey, speaking of tomato sauce, wanna come with me to Mario's Pizza? - Your old high school hangout.
Why? - They're closing.
Going for a last slice.
Hey.
All right.
Hi.
Check it out, huh? Official police caution tape.
Look at that.
Step back, son, there's nothing to see here.
Where did you get this? I got it from my cop buddy, Doug.
You sure have a lot of friends.
How come I never see any of them? They wanna know why they never see you.
I'm gonna eat that later.
So they just gave you this? Oh, no, no, I had to fish around in the evidence room for it.
They're all preoccupied trying to hunt down this new psycho serial killer the Lopper.
All right, I'll see you.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Who is the Lopper? It's no big deal.
It's just some guy, he's been running around Riverside Park, you know cutting people's heads off.
- How have I never read about this? The police, they've been having some internal dissension about the name.
What are the other titles? Heads-o.
The De-Nogginizer.
Son of Dad.
- Son of Dad? - Yeah, that was my suggestion.
It's sort of a catch-all.
Mario's Pizza.
Just as she was.
Hey, Mario.
Remember us? No.
We used to come in every day.
So where you been? We're tanking here.
We'll have two slices and two grape sodas.
Oh, thanks.
That'll save us.
All right, make it the large sodas.
Hey, Jerry, remember Frogger? I used to be so into this game.
Getting that frog across the street was my entire life.
Yeah, and then you went on to It's a good game.
Watch the truck.
Double jump.
Eat the fly.
Eat it! Thanks a lot.
Beat it, punk.
Hey, look at the high score.
"GLC.
" George Louis Costanza.
That's not you, is it? Yes.
Eight hundred and sixty thousand.
I can't believe it's still standing.
No one has beaten me in, like, ten years.
- I remember that night.
- Oh, I was unstoppable.
Perfect combination of Mountain Dew and mozzarella.
Just the right amount of grease on the joystick.
Here's your pizza, pea brains.
I think I remember why we stopped coming here.
This pen smells really bad.
So why do I keep smelling it? Is it too late for me to go to law school? - What is this? - You were out sick yesterday so we got you a get-well cake.
It's carrot.
It's good for you.
Get well, get well soon We wish you to get well Stop it! That's not even a song.
I mean, now we're celebrating a sick day? - I think it's nice.
- What? What is nice? Trying to fill the void in your life with flour and sugar and egg and vanilla? I mean, we are all unhappy.
Do we have to be fat too? Not you, Becky.
I know you have a slow metabolism.
I don't want one more piece of cake in my office.
Get well, get well soon It's not happening.
Can we still eat it? I'll tell you, Lisi, I never expected that movie to End underwater.
- be that long.
I mean, most action movies are So much more violent.
- not as long.
- Well, I should probably - Get going.
Yeah.
Well, it was nice meeting you.
I'm sure, I'll see you - Eight tomorrow? - Actually, that's What you were thinking.
Right.
Oh, here you are.
You want to? Sure.
How about this one? Well, I'm doing it, Jerry.
I'm buying the Frogger machine.
- Now the torch will burn forever.
- Fabulous.
- Now, you're really doing something.
- Yeah.
Wanna come to Mario's Pizza and help me pick up the Frogger? Hey, how you gonna keep the machine plugged in while you move it? What? Once you unplug the machine, all the scores will be erased.
You're right.
Why must there always be a problem? You'd think just once, I could get a break.
God knows I earned it with that score.
Well, more bad news, Jerry.
The police found another victim of the Lopper in Riverside Park.
I saw the photo and it looked a lot like you.
There's a lot of people walking around that look like me.
Not as many as there used to be.
No, I need a guy that can rig a Frogger machine so that I can move it without losing power because I have the high score.
Hello? George, you're not gonna find an electrician like that in the yellow pages.
No, I know just the guy who can do this.
- Another friend? - Oh, no, no, no.
This guy is no friend.
In fact, we don't even get along.
Well, is he good, Kramer? Oh, he's the best.
And the worst.
Kramer, listen to me.
I'm never gonna have a child.
If I lose this Frogger high score that's it for me.
Believe me, George, you can count on Slippery Pete.
- Slippery Pete? - I don't care for the name, either.
In fact, that's one of the things that we argue about.
All right.
I'm gonna find a guy with a truck.
GLC must live on.
Come on.
- Hello? - So how's it going with my friend? She's a sentence finisher.
It's like dating Mad Libs.
- What is that? - Oh, it's a cake party.
It's the third one today.
I didn't realize how hooked I got on that 4:00 sugar rush.
- So join in.
- I can't.
I denounced them.
Maybe I'll go raid Peterman's fridge.
He's always got a truffle or something in there.
- Hey, what? What is? - Yeah, I dropped an egg.
Be careful.
Anybody here? Peter-boy? It's a cakewalk.
Get well, get well soon We wish you to get well Oh, what a stirring little anthem of wellness.
Elaine.
- Mr.
Peterman.
- We missed you at the get-well party.
Poor old Walt has a polyp in the duodenum.
It's benign but, oh, still a bastard.
Oh, Elaine can you keep a secret? - No, sir, I can't.
Inside that small, college-boy mini-fridge is my latest acquisition.
A slice of cake from the wedding of King Edward Vlll to Wallis Simpson, circa 1937.
The price? Twenty-nine thousand dollars.
- Well, Lisi, that was another - Lovely evening.
- really bad meal.
I was thinking maybe we should Go for a hansom cab ride? - call it a night.
I'll walk you home.
Where do you live? Riverside Park.
- I thought we were going - Back to my place, that's right.
So you slept with her? She lives right off Riverside Park.
I was scared of the Lopper, so I let her stay over.
And you automatically sleep with her? I just wanted to make out a little, but she kind of - Finished your thought.
- Yeah.
Guess what I ate? An ostrich burger? No.
A $29,000 piece of cake.
Peterman got it at the Duke and Duchess of Windsor auction.
It was the most romantic thing I've ever eaten.
- How did it taste? - A little stale.
So you sleeping with Peterman? No.
He doesn't know I ate it.
In fact, he almost caught me.
I have to sneak back in and even it out.
Well, they say ostrich has less fat, but you eat more of it.
Hey, so I talked to Lisi and she has got a big surprise for you.
She's planning a weekend trip to Pennsylvania Dutch country.
Pennsylvania Dutch country? No, that's the serious-relationship weekend place.
- What is going on with you two? - I think by sleeping with her I may have sent her the wrong message.
What's that? Four o'clock sugar fix.
Well, I'm calling this off right now.
No, no, you are way past the phone-call-breakup stage.
I'm not going over there.
That's where the Lopper is.
It's daylight.
It won't take you that long.
Just make a clean break.
Just a little off the side.
Perfect.
No point in wasting 1200 bucks.
Oh, commander, isn't the wedding marvelous? The cake? Oh, I shouldn't.
I mustn't.
What the hell.
Now, each of you is here because you're the best at what you do.
Slippery Pete.
Kramer tells me you are one hell of a rogue electrician.
And, Shlomo, you're the best truck driver.
I don't know if I'm the best.
You're very good.
Let's say good.
Okay, good.
Kramer, you're in charge of taping off a loading zone.
Lock and load.
Think you can handle that, numb-nuts? All right, all right, come on now.
That was my mail-order bride.
You weren't home, so I signed for her.
It doesn't give you the right to make out with her.
You weren't even married yet.
All right, all right, calm down.
Calm down.
Calm down.
Whatever happened in the past, is past.
All right.
Now, this is the The basic layout for Mario's Pizza.
So, what kind of jail time are we looking at if we're caught? What do you mean? We're stealing this thing, right? No, I paid for it.
- I thought we were stealing it.
- Feels like we're stealing it.
We're not stealing.
- I definitely thought we're stealing it.
- All right.
Let's focus.
Can we get back to the plan? Well, I need a battery for this kind of job.
Can I at least steal a battery? Fine, steal the battery.
Now, all right, here is the Frogger.
This is the front door and this is the outlet.
What's that? The outlet? That's where the electricity comes out of.
Oh, you mean the holes? - Which one's the bathroom? - Here.
They put the Frogger with the toilet? The Frogger is here.
George, I thought that was the door.
- Where are the pizza ovens? - I thought the bathroom was here.
All right? You understand now? It's not that complicated.
I need to replace an antique piece of cake.
Do you have anything that's been you know, lying around for a while? Something pre-war would be just great.
Oh, hey, Elaine.
Oh, you got the munchies? No, Kramer, I am in big, big, big trouble.
I need a cake that looks like this.
Oh yeah, Sotherby's.
Yeah, they make good cake.
- Do any of these look close? - No.
But I know, I've seen cake just like that.
Oh, Entenmann's, yeah.
Entenmann's? From the supermarket? No, they're not really in the supermarket.
They got their own case at the end of the aisle.
Hi, Lisi.
- Hi, honey.
Is that a bat? - Yeah.
I found it on the street.
It's gotta be worth something.
So, what do you want to do, sweetheart? Well, before we do anything maybe we should talk.
Then this Pennsylvania Dutch thing comes out of nowhere.
I mean, how am I supposed to respond to that? Then may I say something without being interrupted? Well, I'm sorry if I ruined your life.
That's exactly what I set out to do.
Are you afraid to kiss me in public? Have we even been in public? Now you're gonna tell me what I'm thinking.
Well, go ahead, because I'd really like to know.
You are not dumb.
Don't say that.
These beans are pretty good.
Twenty minutes.
Well, I'm sorry.
I'm not Brad.
I'm me.
Nice to meet you.
Boy, did your mother do a number on you.
Fine.
So it's over.
Oh, thank God.
Why is it dark out? What time is it? Nine-thirty.
We've been breaking up for 10 hours? Goodbye, Jerry.
Lopper.
We should give this a little more time.
- See how it looks in the light of day.
- Out.
Lopper.
Lisi.
Lisi, let me in.
We can work this out.
I was wrong, you were right.
I'll do anything.
Jerry, you came for the big moment.
No, I'm waiting for Everything's timed out to perfection.
Pete's got the Frogger running on battery power.
The truck'll be there.
Kramer's taped out a loading zone.
- Sounds great.
- Yeah.
- Come over tonight.
We can play.
- Oh, I can't, I'm busy.
I'm going away on a long weekend.
- Where? - Look what I found.
I got one for you too.
Oh, great.
Why don't you put it in the car so I don't accidentally toss it in that dumpster? - Okay.
I'll meet thee in front of your place.
A long, long weekend.
I hear thee.
Elaine, excellent.
I'd like you to meet a friend of mine, Irwin Lubeck.
- Oh, hello.
- Charmed.
All right.
Brace yourself, Lubeck you are about to be launched, via pastry back to the wedding of one of the most dashing and romantic Nazi sympathizers of the entire British royal family.
- I guess, I'll just - Oh, no, Elaine, stay.
Lubeck here is the world's foremost appraiser of vintage pastry.
All right, Lubeck, how much is she worth? I'd say about 219.
Two hundred and nineteen thousand dollars.
Lubeck, you glorious tit-willow you just made me a profit of a $ 190,000.
No.
$2.
19.
It's an Entenmann's.
Do they have a castle in Windsor? No, they have a display case at the end of the aisle.
Oh, good Lord.
You all right, Peterman? You look ill.
Get well, get well soon We want you to get well Get well, get well soon We want you to get well Hey.
What are you guys doing? Eat the fly.
Eat the fly.
Got it.
You idiots.
You're gonna wear down the battery.
Oh, the batteries are fine.
We've got oh, God, only three minutes left.
- All right, quick.
- Get this thing back in the pizzeria.
- George, they closed up.
- I need an outlet.
- A what? - Holes.
I need holes.
- The pharmacy's still open.
All right, Kramer, you block off traffic.
You two, go sweet-talk the pharmacist.
You owe me a quarter.
Slippery Pete.
Kramer, hurry up.
I'm out.
No tape left.
Come on, I'll help you push it across.
Wait a minute.
This looks familiar.
This reminds me of something.
- I can do this.
- By yourself? Jerry, I've been preparing for this moment my entire life.
He looks like a frog.
So do you.
Game over.
Mr.
Peterman, you wanted to see me, sir? Elaine, up until a moment ago I was convinced that I was on the receiving end of one of the oldest baker's grift in the books.
The Entenmann's shim sham.
Until I remembered the videotape surveillance system that I installed to catch other Walter using my latrine.
But it also caught this.
- Mr.
Peterman, l - Elaine, I have a question for you.
Is the item still with you? As far as I know.
Do you know what happens to a butter-based frosting after six decades in a poorly-ventilated English basement? I guess I hadn't I have a feeling what you are about to go through is punishment enough.
Dismissed.