Frasier s09e19 Episode Script

There he is, Niles.
That's our Yorick.
He's perfect, Frasier.
The missing link for our backyard production of Hamlet.
Exactly what I was thinking.
Now get up there.
- Why me? - Because I'm the director, that's why.
Come on.
Just get up there.
- "Alas, poor Yorick, I knew him" - Knock it off.
Ow.
- Are you okay? - No.
You cracked my skull.
FRASIER: May I get a double latte? One shot decaf espresso, one shot of regular espresso, streamed low-fat milk and some non-fat foam.
Sure.
Well? He didn't even blink an eye.
The man's unflappable.
He's amazing, isn't he? He made me a Chai Spice Ristretto-Americano con Panna as if people had been drinking them for centuries.
Truly, this is a golden age.
Oh, did Dad tell you? Our old house is on the market.
FRASIER: It doesn't surprise me.
That whole area's undergoing what they call a revitalization.
Of course, they'll probably just tear it down and put up a Benetton.
Bath & Body Works or Sunglass Hut.
I sort of like Bath & Body Works.
I do, too.
I had this crazy thought, Frasier.
What if we bought the house? You mean as a rental property? Perhaps.
Or as a guest maisonette for our out-of-town visitors.
- Daphne's mother, perhaps? - Oh, hadn't thought of that.
That's a good idea.
Buy her a house and she'll never leave.
You know, Niles, we could open it up to the general public.
- That's not a bad idea.
A warm bed - A freshly baked scone.
- A moderate fee.
- It would pay for itself.
As B and B.
If you two break into song, I'm leaving.
- Hello, every - Roz, listen to this.
[YAWNS.]
- I'm sorry.
- That's all right.
Have a seat.
I just bought Alice a new hamster and it's kept me up all night running around on that squeaky, damn wheel.
Why don't you get it a quieter wheel? - Or oil the squeak? - Or take the wheel out at night? Or put the cage in another room? Thank you.
Where were you all at 3 this morning when I was trying to shove a Sominex into a carrot? I used to have the same problem when I was raising showrats.
You don't mean the nasty, plague-propagating vermin, do you? No, I mean purebred rats, as in Siamese or Himalayan or husky.
My most prized one was an Andalusian Blue named Lady Prissy and she wasn't sick a day in her life.
So don't go blaming all rats just because of a few bad apples.
A few bad apples? Daphne, they spread a disease that nearly wiped out half of Europe.
Shows what you know.
Those were common European brown rats.
- Yes, but the point DAPHNE: Oh, no, no.
I'll sit here and listen to you prattle on about wine and opera but when it comes to rats, you're in my house.
MARTIN: Old man Lasskopf must have owned this place 50 years.
MARTIN: Wonder why he's selling.
- He can get 50 times what he paid.
Yeah, he sure knew how to squeeze a penny.
You know, he never gave me back my security deposit.
I might just bring that up.
Oh, no, you won't.
Once we turn this into a B and B, you'll make it all back in tips.
What the hell is that supposed to Oh, Mr.
Lasskopf, so good to see you again.
It's been a long time.
What has? - We used to rent this house from you.
- Yes.
I'm Niles Crane.
This is my brother Frasier and our dad.
You remember? Nope.
Nope.
You sort of look familiar.
I should.
Paid you rent for ten years, left the place in perfect condition, and you never gave me back my security deposit.
Nope, don't remember you either.
Come on in.
Go ahead, Dad.
Oh, boy, this brings back memories.
Oh, Niles, do you remember doing our homework at the dining room table? NILES: Oh, yes.
Afternoon piano lessons.
Getting haircuts from your mother.
And Mom's roll-top desk on this wall over here.
Where we wrote all the Crane Boys Mysteries.
I can still see you pacing in your writer's tweeds and half glasses, dictating.
And you in your shawl collar sweater, hammering away at the keys of that old Royal typewriter.
Oh, gosh.
When did those two crazy kids become such a pair of old fuddy-duddies? Oh, Niles.
Do you remember, here's the window we used to sneak out of after curfew.
Really? You did? I never knew that.
Sure, Dad.
We used to go out and chase the girls and have a drink or two.
Well, boys will be boys.
- Frasier.
- Hmm? We didn't chase girls.
We went out to foreign films.
Do you think Dad wants to hear that? Throw the guy a bone.
So, what made you finally decide to sell? - Moving to the Cayman Islands.
- That'll be a change from Seattle.
Gee, you think? Hear they have great scuba diving down there.
You scuba? Do I look like I scuba? I'm lucky I don't need a tank to breathe on land.
Just looking for a change of scenery, huh? Looking to be left alone.
I'm not what you call a real social type.
You sure made friends with my security deposit.
You know, Niles, you're right.
It's not big enough for a bed and breakfast.
No, but it did give us a nice walk down memory lane.
Yes.
Niles? Didn't we stash a memory box underneath one of these floorboards right around here? What? I thought you took that with you when we moved.
I thought you took it.
- Do you suppose it's still here? - Well, it must be.
Would you mind if my brother and I had a look underneath here? You see, we left a sort of a time capsule underneath there.
Oh, no, you don't.
Nobody's pulling up any floor here.
No, we don't need to.
The board was loose.
There's no loose boards.
They've all been nailed down.
I made sure of that.
Couldn't we just check? Look, I came here to sell this place, not have it torn apart.
So are you serious buyers or are we wasting our time here? Allowing us to reclaim a small part of our past is hardly a waste of time.
Well, it sounds like a load of tomfoolery to me.
- Let's go.
FRASIER: Mr.
Lasskopf, I assure you my brother and I give tomfoolery no quarter.
- We never have.
LASSKOPF: Oh, no? What do you call sneaking out to drink and chase girls? No, no, no, that wasn't true.
We went out to see foreign films.
I knew it.
No, no, wait.
NILES: There we go.
Well done, Frasier.
- You've still got it.
- Thank you, Niles.
It's just like riding a bicycle.
- Here we go.
- All right, let's just find our memory box and get the hell out of here.
Now, I think it's around here somewhere, hmm? It's, uh I've got it.
I've got it.
I've got it.
It's right there.
This one, this one.
FRASIER: Okay, okay.
- Let's see if I can get this in here.
- That's it.
There it is.
- Good.
- Right.
Oh, my gosh.
Imagine that.
That's it, that's it.
I'll get that.
Yes, good.
Well done.
- Aha.
- Well done, Frasier.
Yeah, I think that's as far as it'll go.
All right, reach your hand in there and see what you can find.
I'm not going to put my hand down there.
There could be rats.
Maybe they're just down-on-their-luck showrats.
I know.
What was that? Don't ask me.
You're marrying her.
All right, I'll do it.
All right.
Careful, careful.
All right, all right, I can see anything.
Oh, no, it's not there, is it? Well, I don't know.
Hang on a minute.
- What? - Hang on.
Wait, wait, wait.
- Yeah? - Wait.
My God.
My God.
- Wait a minute.
- Yeah.
There's something.
Hang on, hang on.
Yeah, here it is.
[GASPING.]
- Oh, my God, Niles, look! - Don't give it to me! Is that real? It certainly feels real.
Well, what's it doing under the floor? Well, how the hell should I know? I wonder who it could be.
Well, perhaps it's a builder who got trapped during construction.
Or an exterminator who was overcome with fumes.
Interesting hypotheses, Niles.
Unfortunately, neither is plausible.
- Why not? - Because, Niles, when you die your head doesn't pop off like a champagne cork.
It remains attached to the spine.
And look here, Niles.
The temporal bone has been fractured As if struck by a blunt object.
So perhaps the poor fellow met his end in some sort of violent accident.
Violent, yes.
But an accident? Murder.
Murder most foul.
DAPHNE: Hey, Roz, Alice, come on in.
Hey, Martin.
Is Frasier home? No, he and Niles went out.
Wine club or something.
- Uh, will he be back soon? - Hard to say.
Is everything all right? You seem edgy.
- Can I talk to you in the kitchen? - Of course.
Martin, can Alice watch TV with you for a second? Oh, sure she can.
What kind of TV do you like? - Cartoons.
MARTIN: Oh, really? Your mom lets you watch that? The anvils and dynamite, and people falling over cliffs and things? Great.
Then you should be all over this hockey game.
So, what's up? Do you remember Alice's hamster I told you about? - Yes.
Still keeping you awake? - Not anymore.
The dog ate it.
Well, half of it.
Oh, no.
Something like that happened when I was a girl.
One of our cats got into one of my rat cages and took Little Lord Pinkbottom right out of show business.
Well, I don't mind the hamster dying.
I just don't know how to break it to Alice.
She's never had anything die before.
Well, how did your parents explain it to you? [SIGHS.]
The wrong way.
When I was 6 my canary died.
And that evening my dad sat on the bed next to me and said, "Dying is just going to sleep and never waking up.
" Then he turned off the light and said good night.
Well, I'm sure Dr.
Crane will have some good advice on how to handle this.
Yeah.
I mean, I know we kid him and stuff but when it comes right down to it, he's one of the smartest people I know.
One thing is certain.
Someone is very dead.
Well, Poirot, you've done it again.
Look, can we just put that thing down and call the police? No, no, no, hang on a minute, Niles.
This skull's been underneath there for a long time now.
What's another hour gonna hurt? Niles, we've got a real Crane Boys Mystery here.
Why don't we see if we can dig up a few more clues? All right, fair enough, uh, here.
All right, so, what do we know? - We have a victim or part of one.
FRASIER: Correct.
Can we establish motive? - Not without knowing the victim.
- Correct.
Can we establish opportunity? - Whose opportunity? - Whose indeed? It would have to be someone who's had access to this house over the years.
We can rule out Mom and Dad.
Of course.
What would you and I be doing with a human skull? Oh, wait, Niles.
Oh, dear God, we're idiots.
Why are we idiots? Niles, use your brain.
Think back to elementary school.
I'm not following.
Don't you remember? That was about the time when Mrs.
Lasskopf disappeared.
Oh, my God, you're right.
And, you know, they used to fight all the time.
Yes.
And then suddenly she stopped coming around.
L I always thought that was because they split up.
Did they? Or did he split her up? Cutting off her head and hands so that the body couldn't be identified by dental records or fingerprints.
I don't know, Frasier, that's pretty out there.
Although It would explain why Lasskopf didn't want us poking around under the floor.
Frasier, we have a victim and a suspect.
All right, not so fast, Niles.
Are you forgetting ltem 1 from Top Truths for Teen Sleuths, A Crane Boys Mysteries Workbook? "A case is rarely elementary, - but always evidentiary.
" FRASIER: Yes, exactly.
The only evidence we have is the skull.
Niles Hand me those tools.
Unless I miss my guess, this floor isn't done talking.
Niles, you'll never guess what I just found in the Niles, where are you? I'm here.
I found our memory box and I think this rock could be the murder weapon.
Why that rock instead of all the other rocks? It's pointier.
Drop the rock, Niles.
The garage has given up something far more interesting.
Take a look at this.
Financial statements.
[GASPS.]
Well, it appears the Lasskopfs had quite a windfall.
Yes, and it was just before the time they asked us to leave.
I see, I see.
So he killed her, collected the insurance money, and then evicted us so he'd have a safe place to dispose of the body.
Bravo, Niles.
But, no.
Insurance is messy.
They require a body and a death certificate before they'll pay off.
And messier still, he would have had to kill her, conceal her body, get rid of us, and then bring the body back here.
If that's not insurance, then - Inheritance.
- Exactly! Her parents die and leave everything to her.
Which means that now the Lasskopfs want for nothing, but she's the provider.
And never misses an opportunity to remind him of it.
- He's emasculated.
- Desperately.
And so he hatches a plan.
"Darling, why don't we evict the Cranes? We don't need their rent money anymore.
" "No, thanks to my family's frugal nature and untimely death.
" And so out go the Cranes and the house is empty.
"Darling, why don't we go and see in what condition the Cranes have left the house?" Hmm? "You go, you lazy parasite.
I'm having my nails done.
" I mean, "Okay.
" So In they stroll.
He with murderous intent, she with nary an inkling of the tragedy about to befall her.
He pretends to inspect the house.
"Darling Why what's this mark over here on the wall?" - "Where?" - "There.
Look.
Closer.
Closer.
" And as she leans in, he does her in! "No, Alfred, no!" Oh, that makes perfect sense.
We have a victim.
We have a motive.
And we have evidence for both.
If only we had a murder weapon to tie it together.
Niles, don't you remember? As in many a Crane Boys case, the absence of a weapon does not mean the absence of a crime.
Perhaps he pushed her down the stairs as in The Case of the Unhappy Landing.
I thought the title gave it away.
Hmm.
Well, then we can rename it once we have them published.
- You think that would ever happen? - Are you kidding? Once this hits the papers.
I'm just gonna go down and check on the laundry.
If Alice wakes up, keep an eye on her.
- What happened to Roz? - Alice's hamster died so Roz nipped out to the store to get her a new one.
Sure.
No problem.
Where's Mommy? Oh, hi, hon.
Your mom will be right back.
Can we watch hockey? Uh, well, the game's over, sweetheart.
Canadiens won, by the way, so you owe me ten bucks.
I miss my hamster.
I know you do, sweetheart.
I'm sure he's up in hamster heaven missing you too.
What is hamster heaven? Well, that's where hamsters go when they die.
Mommy said he was lost.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh, no.
When will he come back? Oh, boy.
Well, when a hamster goes to hamster heaven, it can't come back.
But that's okay.
- Why? - Oh, because it's great up there.
They got exercise wheels on every corner.
And the streets are paved with - What do hamsters eat? - Hamster food.
Ah, well, that's what the streets are paved with.
And there aren't any cats to chase him.
- Does cats have a heaven too? - Oh, sure.
Yeah, same deal, except no wheels and their streets are paved with fish.
- What about dogs? - Yeah, dogs, too.
Just about all animals have a heaven.
Is Eddie going? Oh, no, not No, not Eddie.
Not for a long time, anyway.
I mean, he's really still just a puppy.
How old is he? He's about ten.
That's not a puppy.
Uh, hey, why don't we see if there are any cartoons on TV? - Look who's here.
- Hey, everybody.
Look, Alice.
Look what Mommy found.
A new hamster.
New? What makes you think he's new? Because animals don't come back from heaven.
- Right, Uncle Martin? - Right.
We sort of had a little talk.
- You what? - Well, look, I didn't mean Having little talks with Alice is my territory, not yours.
Well, look, it was an accident.
Like I said, I'm sorry.
Okay.
But death is a tough concept for a kid.
I don't want her to be scared or confused.
I like this one better.
Well, I guess she'll pull through.
- Thanks for handling it.
- No problem.
Come on, Alice.
Good night, Martin.
- Good night, Roz.
Good night, Alice.
- Good night, Uncle Martin.
Bye Eddie.
Here, boy.
Oh, my God.
My house.
- What have you done to my house? - Is this the man you told me about? Yes, it is, officer.
Well, what the hell's going on? We dug up your wife.
That's what's going on.
You dug up my wife? I'll bet you thought nobody ever would, didn't you? No! Well, you didn't count on the Crane boys.
But, how could you? Oh, a little luck and some simple deductive reasoning.
That's enough questions out of you.
I think this officer here has a few questions he'd like to ask you himself.
That's right, sir.
Come this way, Mr.
Lasskopf.
- Nice work, men.
- Yeah.
Well, Niles Another Crane Boys Mystery solved.
NILES: Wait till we tell Dad.
[FRASIER LAUGHS.]
Hey, wait, Niles.
We almost forgot our memory box.
We never even looked inside here.
- Oh, Niles, look.
- Oh.
This is the programme for our backyard production of Hamlet.
- I'd totally forgotten about that.
- So had I.
You know, Niles We may owe Mr.
Lasskopf an apology.
[MOUTHING WORDS.]
Let's go.
[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE.]