Married with Children s09e19 Episode Script

Previous/y on Married with Children.
The fami/y who never feeds me went on vacation.
Oh, it's not so bad.
No, it's like 20, 000 Leagues Under the Sea.
Except I'm married to the giant squid.
Exacerbating the situation was the fact that by day the cruise was geared towards women who ate /ik e mastiffs.
But by night A/ was happy for a brief moment unti/ I can't go out in public like this.
It's all right.
No, you can't, sweetheart.
I know you can't - Come on, Jefferson.
- You can't go either.
Why? My hair don't look like crap! And if that shipwreck wasn't enough, get a /oad of this one.
- Oh, my God, we're really sinking? - Oh, come on.
If we were sinking, you think I could look in this porthole and see fish! And now back to Buck, King of All Dogs.
A/so known to humans as Married With Children.
Did I thank you for inviting me on this cruise, Peg? Well, as a matter of fact, you haven't.
Then maybe a simple stake through the heart would suffice.
All right, look, this is no time to turn on each other.
We're alone in the middle of the ocean.
It's a perfect time to turn on each other.
Why don't you look on the bright side.
It's a balmy summer day, we're on vacation.
Well, now we know who we're going to eat first.
Dibs on the thighs.
Look, you cookie- aisle of a woman.
If you hadn't gnawed through 12 inches of bulkhead to inhale some jerk chicken, none of us would be here.
So if anyone's gonna feed on my husband's dead thighs it's gonna be me.
Thanks, gumdrop.
I can't stand this for one minute more.
Oh, come on, Al.
It's a perfectly calm sea.
It's not the sea, Peg.
It's Gilbert Gottfried.
So I'm on a cruise.
My agent says to me: "Go on a cruise.
You don't have to follow Sinbad.
And you don't have to follow Carrot Top.
And you get to eat with the captain.
" So am I eating with the captain? Am I eating? Am I even on a cruise anymore? Somebody get my agent! Somebody get my spear gun.
- I think he's funny.
- Make it two spear guns.
- So, what do we do now? - We bob around in the sea until the sun bakes us like cookies.
Cookies? Quiet, sea hags.
Now, first thing we have to do is pick a leader.
Who knows the most about the sea? David Hasselhoff.
Okay, Gilbert's disqualified.
- Anyone else? - Oh, what difference does it make? We're just gonna wind up with sea gulls pecking out our salt-encrusted eyes.
Thank you, Kathy Lee Gifford.
Well, you know, Al really doesn't know much about the sea.
- So I think we're gonna have to - Excuse me, Loch Ness Hairdo.
I know two things about the sea.
Number one, when you flush, it ends up here.
And two, I watched all 3000 episodes of Gi//igan's Is/and.
- How do you find the time? - I don't have sex with you.
All right, then it's decided.
Al's captain.
Well, captain, now what? Well, as my first official act, I'm declaring my marriage null and void.
And secondly, I think we should strike out for land.
Which way is land? I think it's back there Good.
Then we're on our way.
Look, this is useless, Al couldn't find land if he was skydiving.
We're in the hands of a blithering idiot.
That's Captain Blithering.
Look, perhaps a brief comic interlude will help lighten the moment.
I hope you can hear my jokes over the rumbling in my stomach.
Is this thing on? Right before we went down, I took a bunch of serving trays as props.
Oh, much better than taking food.
Why couldn't have Gallagher been the entertainer? I mean, at least then we could have had watermelon.
Yeah, like we'd have gotten any.
Well, anyway, Mickey Mouse on acid.
I'm freaking out.
Somebody help me.
I'm having a bad trip.
A midget putting a dime in a payphone.
Clark Gable.
Vincent van Gogh.
Peg, you wanna give this one tug? Ironside.
No, no.
No, Bugs, don't go into that deserted mine.
Yosemite Sam just threw dynamite in there.
Oh, God, I hope this is rerun.
God, I hope you marry someone with money.
Now move over, I wanna watch the news.
And in c/ose-to-show-biz news, radio persona/ity and ex-pimp/e cream spok esman Wo/fman Jack was found bound and gagged in a dumpster behind P/anet Ho//ywood /ast night.
Po/ice found severa/ c/ues, but instead opted to go inside where it was warm.
That's the last time I let you hit someone with a shovel.
In another /ate-breaking story, the /uxury cruise /iner, Sea Dodge went down /ast night in ca/m waters somewhere in the Caribbean.
Kelly, that's the ship Mom and Dad are on.
The passengers have been accounted for except one /ifeboat purported/y carrying comedian Gi/bert Gottfried and some other peop/e, inc/uding a woman with rea//y si//y red hair.
Oh, my God, Gilbert Gottfried and one of the Judds are lost at sea.
It's not one of the Judds, you Zagnut.
Kelly, do you know what this means? Mom and Dad.
Oh, my God, what are we gonna do? How are we gonna eat? How are we gonna pay the mortgage? Our lives are gonna be exactly the same.
We can't just sit here.
We gotta get to the Caribbean somehow.
Okay.
Don't forget to /eave some food for the dog.
- How long are we gonna be gone? - I don't know.
Maybe weeks.
Yo, dog here.
Yo.
I'm from the Chicago Examiner.
Are you the people whose parents are lost at sea with the voice of lago, the parrot, Gilbert Gottfried? - Yeah.
- Soup's on.
- Let's go.
- Come on.
Get in there.
- Wait a minute.
- Don't miss that beat.
Get around here.
- Let's go.
- What's going on here? You.
We're here to bring the country live minute- by-minute coverage of your anguish at the loss of Gilbert Gottfried.
And your parents.
They might still be alive.
Yeah.
And Hoffa's eating at Denny's.
Now, wait a second now.
You people can't just barge in here and invade our privacy.
Kelly, show these people out.
We'll pay you a million dollars for your exclusive story.
Kelly, get these people a Snapple.
It has been 24 hours.
I'm starved.
Me too.
Hey, Al, why aren't you hungry? Because I've got a natural appetite suppressant.
Twenty-five years of marriage.
Yeah, and since he doesn't brush, he can always mine his teeth for food.
Well, I'm starting to get hungry.
Big surprise.
Some captain you are.
If you're not gonna go down with the ship, at least do something.
Oh, excuse me, Miss We- Never- Do-Anything-Together.
Well, we're dying together, Peg.
Are you happy now? Well, just don't look at me to cheer anybody up anymore.
You bent my props.
As far as I'm concerned, we can float out here sans comedy and die a miserable, humourless death.
Now look what you've done, Al.
You've upset the entertainer.
Good.
Maybe he'll walk.
Hey, I know.
We could try to catch a fish.
How? We got no rod, we got no hooks, we got no bait.
We got no rod and hooks.
- Honey, we got this.
- Peg.
Peg.
Peg.
That's a flare gun.
We only use that when the rescuers try to find us.
Oh, but I don't want them to see my hair.
Well, now I know why Jacques Cousteau only has men on the Ca/ypso.
That's not why.
Hey, hey, we've got an oar.
And there's dozens of little fish swimming around the boat.
We just hit them with the oar and dinner is served.
Without cooking it? Why bother? I mean, cooking just makes them smaller.
Al, just go hit a fish.
Oh, all right.
It's always, "Al, I'm hungry.
Al, I'm horny.
" Why can't it for once be, "Al, wake up, it's Cindy Crawford l'm hungry and horny.
" - What are you waiting for? - A red one.
There it is.
Gotcha! Hey, where'd she go? Where all dead fish go.
To the Red Lobster? No, nimrod, to the bottom.
Hey, Al, you know, I just remembered the one thing I knew about the sea.
If you beat a fish to a bloody pulp, it tends to attract other fish, bigger fish.
Fish with no known enemies.
Well, this is nice.
Does anyone know how to repel a shark? Go ahead, Gilbert, do your impressions.
Okay, Jerry Lewis.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah, drum roll.
How much money did we raise? Hello, this is Miranda Veracruz de la Jolla Cardenal.
Live at the home of Kelly and Bud Bundy who are anxiously awaiting news of whether their parents will be found alive or if their decomposing corpses will be found weeks later in some South Florida bog.
Bud and Kelly, I know that this is a difficult time for you but can you tell me how you're feeling? And please be as graphic as possible.
We refuse to answer this line of questioning until we find out if they're alive.
Well, I apologize if I seemed insensitive.
So tell me, did your parents ever abuse you? No.
Surely your father must have seen your heinie? Well, yeah, when I was a baby.
Did Michael Jackson ever touch you? Did Bob Barker ever touch you? - Tom Arnold? - Roseanne? George Plimpton? What is the matter with you, people? Whatever happened to the noble image of the fourth estate? People like Edward R.
Murrow and then Walter Cronkite? Who? Walt Walter Cronkite? Don't know that name.
Was he ever touched by Michael Jackson? Get away from me, you ghouls.
What was I even thinking, letting you people in here? Me and my sister will not sell our parents out for money.
Right, Kel? Well, then Daddy had Senator Packwood chase me around the bed.
Or was it Senator Mike Tyson? Yes, yes, it was both of them.
Okay, Jerry Seinfeld.
Why do people ride buses? Who are these people? And where do they find exact change? - Hey, can you do Ted Kennedy? - Sure.
Anyone wanna hold my pants? Hold my pants.
Look, Peg, it's obvious we're not gonna be rescued and it's even more obvious why.
Now look, one of us has gotta swim for help.
Any volunteers? Okay, okay.
We should draw straws.
- Did anybody bring straws? - I have straws.
Thank you.
All right.
Whoever picks the short one Like we don't know who that's gonna be.
- Swims for help.
Gee, I can't believe how small it is.
Boy, if I had a nickel for every time I've said that.
Oh, Al, I'm just kidding, this is the bravest thing I've ever seen.
You know, honey, we've been through a lot.
Good times and bad times.
And, you know, if I never see you again I just really want you to know that I love - Boy, he's a fast swimmer.
- Yeah, look at him go.
Well, what do we do now? Well, there is the matter of my cheque.
You see, just because the boat sinks doesn't mean a comic has to work for free.
Put a tray in it, Gilbert.
Well, he's right, sweetheart.
Give the man a 20.
Fine.
Get me my wallet.
- Okay.
Where is it? - On the ocean floor.
Don't you realize that we are stuck out here a million miles from nowhere.
It's gonna be weeks before we see any sign of life.
Ahoy there.
We're a yacht fu// of congressmen wasting out constituents' tax do//ars.
You need any he/p, or /iquor or anything? We're saved! That's enough.
Go away.
It's been two days since you were rescued, Mrs.
Bundy and they still haven't found your husband.
How do you feel about that? Cry if you can.
Well, of course, we all want Al back.
We thought he'd washed up onto the beach but it turned out to be just a giant jellyfish.
Mrs.
Bundy, if you're husband does turn up dead we're willing to pay you for your exclusive story.
Really? Well, how much? Depends.
What did he do for a living? He was a shoe salesman.
Fifty bucks.
Unless, of course, he abused you.
- How much is that worth? - $500,000.
Well, you know he did make us drive around in that Dodge.
And he made us live in this house.
Is that enough? - Oh, God - God, yes.
Awesome.
How did you put up with it all this time? Daddy! Daddy! Thank you.
Oh, Al vin.
Alvin Bundy.
My late husband's identical twin.
How nice of you to drop by on such a sad occasion.
How much, Peg? Enough to make it worth your while to walk out and never come back.
Five dollars? - Nice try, Mrs.
Bundy.
- And Mr.
Bundy.
Who's for rooting through Oprah's trash? Well, perhaps some of our viewers who sit way too close to the screen might find your rescue story interesting.
Well, it It is, really.
I swam for hours and then when I didn't think I could go on any longer suddenly I was surrounded by a school of man-eating sharks when miraculously some dolphins chased them away swam me to safety.
Man and dolphin, working together against a common enemy.
And did any of them abuse you? No, they saved my life.
Turn the camera off.
- Hey, where you going? - It's sweeps, guys.
Unless that dolphin was Michael Jackson's love child we've got nothing.
Peg, by the way, thanks for the all-out effort to find me after you were rescued.
You know, I wanted to wait to find you, but I was outvoted five to nothing.
I mean, four to one.
Mom, you shouldn't talk like that to Dad's twin.
You know he's gonna tell.
Peg, I'm only gonna say this once because I'm tired and l I think I have a clam in my shorts.
Don't flatter yourself.
No more magazine contests.
As I've said before, no good can come of it.
Congratulations.
I'm Gilbert Gottfried and you've just won one