The Middle s09e19 Episode Script
Bat Out of Heck
1 What are you doing? Looking for spoons.
I'm finally back up to three.
If I can find two more, then we can all eat pudding at the same time.
- What are you doing? - Oh, my God.
Nobody's ever been this interested in me before.
I'm looking for spoons.
She wants us to eat pudding.
I don't want pudding.
Me neither, but it seems important to her.
Nobody has to eat pudding.
I am just using that as an example of something that a family with a normal amount of spoons could eat together.
[SIGHS.]
All right, what is this? Oh, that's an order form.
I need to sell 25 boxes of peanut brittle to raise money for the sophomore class.
It's due in two days, so you're going to need to hustle to sell those at work.
[SIGHS.]
Brick, I can't sell peanut brittle at a dentist's office.
Not with that attitude.
[SQUEAKING.]
- Did you see that? - See what? I don't know.
I just saw something.
Hmm.
You're digging in a backpack looking for silverware, you're seeing things, you're wearing one slipper.
You're this close to being that lady who wanders around the highway median.
Actually, she wears two slippers.
I'm going to need your keys for tomorrow so I can make sales calls.
Why is there a spoon in here? Oh, good.
That's four.
Okay, Mike, I'll drop you off and take your car.
I don't like this idea.
I don't get dropped places.
I drive.
Relax, Fred Flintstone.
You can drive to your work, and after you get out, I'll drive to mine.
Why is he Fred Flintstone? Because he's acting like a caveman.
I thought it's 'cause he works in a quarry.
I thought she meant 'cause he powers his car with his feet.
If Fred Flintstone moves the car with his feet, why doesn't he just walk at that point? 'Cause if he walks, he can't listen to the radio.
They didn't have iPods back then.
They didn't have radios, either.
Obviously, you've never seen the show! I'm not going to miss you guys when you move out of the house.
I know I'm supposed to, but I won't.
I can't let you take the car, anyway.
I got a lunch meeting.
[SIGHS.]
Oh, no.
I hate having to get a ride in with Dr.
Goodwin.
He thinks it's rude to honk, so anytime a car in front of us doesn't move, he yells, "Toot toot!" Well, it's only going to be for another couple of days because I'm trading in the 'Bago for a car.
Seriously? A real car? You're really going to say goodbye to the 'Bago? Yep.
End of an era.
I'll miss it.
It went with the general poverty theme we got going.
Yeah.
Listen You make sure, when you go in there, you know what you're looking for.
You need snow tires 'cause you drive in winter.
- Yes, I know I drive in the winter.
- Okay.
FRANKIE: Unfortunately, whenever you have two grown men in the house, one has to assert his dominance over the other, and, in our case, it was always gonna be Mike.
You're gonna want to kill the heat on that or your eggs will be chewy.
- [CHATTER ON TELEVISION.]
- [LAUGHS.]
[VOLUME DECREASES.]
Keep it at 26 for sports, 14 for regular TV.
You don't squeeze.
You roll.
We're not made of toothpaste.
Now, listen to me, you don't want to set foot in a car dealership until you've done your research and you know your price.
We should talk about this.
Uh, of course we should.
Hey! Here's my other slipper.
What is this doing in here? [CHUCKLES TRIUMPHANTLY.]
Who's crazy now, huh? You saw that, right? Now, before we end, I have these applications for the Franklin Butterfield Hotels and Resorts Scholarship.
It's very prestigious and very competitive.
I don't want to discourage any of you from applying, but, well, I would discourage any of you from applying.
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS.]
Hi, yeah, excuse me.
Um, I'm interested in the scholarship.
Oh.
You understand nobody from East Indy has ever made it to the finals.
Well, then, I guess we're due.
- [SIGHS.]
- I just don't want you to have unrealistic expectations.
If you can dream it, you can do it.
That's actually from a poster on my wall at home.
I also have one that says honesty is the best policy, which is why I felt compelled to tell you about the "dream it, do it" thing.
[SQUEALS.]
Thanks again for the ride.
It won't be for much longer.
Axl's buying a car.
Oh, I enjoy the company.
But can you do me a favor and ask Treeva to stop going through people's lunch in the fridge? With this whole #MeToo movement, I'm too nervous I'll say something wrong.
Sorry, but I can't get up in anybody's grill today.
I have to ask people to buy peanut brittle for Brick's class.
Ooh! I'll take some! You will? Thank you.
How much do you want? How much you got? Well, he's supposed to sell 25 boxes.
Sold! What? No, you don't have to buy all 25.
I want to.
We're friends.
I mean platonic friends.
My eyes are on the road, and I don't notice that you smell like honeysuckle.
[SNIFFS.]
Oh, Axl.
Okay, so, I'm applying for this scholarship, and it's really hard to get, and I really want it, and I need three words to describe myself.
Annoying, dorky, looks good in hats.
You think I look good in hats? [GASPS.]
Aww.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
You really got to talk to your husband.
Ugh, why? 'Cause he's on me all the time lately, just looming over me.
You know, he thinks anything I do he can do better.
[CHUCKLES.]
Like the song? What song? "Anything You Can Do, I Can Do Better.
" Never heard of it.
Don't sing it! I just need you to talk to him.
Why don't you talk to him? 'Cause I can't talk to him.
He'll be all like [GROWLS.]
I don't know what that means.
- I think you do.
- I totally do.
That's why I'm making you be the one who has to talk to him.
[CAR DOOR CLOSES.]
Okay.
The 7/11 may not work anymore as a pick-up spot.
Apparently, you are not allowed to refill your coffee cup with Slurpee.
[SLURPS.]
Oh.
Oh, you don't have the peanut brittle with you? What? Oh, no, Brick has to order it.
Oh.
You didn't say that.
Kind of had my hopes up for some peanut brittle.
[SLURPS.]
Really? Oh, I thought you were just being nice.
No, no.
I'm Southern I love peanut brittle, and thought I was gonna get some today.
[CHUCKLES.]
So, when's it coming in? [SLURPS.]
I don't know.
Can you call Brick and find out? - Yeah, sure.
- Yeah.
[SLURPS.]
I mean, now.
[CHUCKLES.]
Okay, my professor said this was going to be hard, but it's really hard! There are 10 essay questions.
Listen to this "What hotel trends do you see in the year 2028?" How should I know? We've never stayed in a nice one! Other than Disney World for that one night, the only places we've ever stayed are the kinds where you drive right up to the door and we carry our clothes in paper bags to the room.
Okay, before we get too deep into this, I'm going to need to take it back on the hats.
Axl, I don't need your approval on whether or not I look good in hats.
I'm just putting this down right here because my head is hot.
Okay.
I am so mad at Dad.
He's always telling us what to do.
Don't you hate that? I love that.
I love Dad's advice.
He is so wise.
Okay, if Dad is bugging you, then why don't you just talk to him? 'Cause it's him.
I don't want to run into the big, plaid, bossy wall.
Okay, I hardly ever get annoyed at Mom and Dad, but when I do, I just imagine that they're dead and then when I realize that they're not, I run up and hug them.
That's lame.
Did you get those chips I wanted? Uh, no.
See? What did I say before you left? "Write it down.
" You didn't and you forgot.
I didn't forget.
They were out.
They were out? It's what I said.
The entire Frugal Hoosier? Out of chips? No, Dad, I'm lying to you.
It's how I get my kicks.
Look, I didn't forget any chips.
If there were chips, you would have chips, but there were no chips, so I didn't get the chips.
But I did not forget the chips.
I forgot the chips.
Did you remember my juice boxes? They were out.
Look, Dad told me to write down chips, and I didn't, and if he finds out I forgot them, he'll never let me hear the end of it, and I really need to hear the end of it because he's been on me like crazy lately, and don't tell me you love Dad's advice! Well, he doesn't talk to me.
Well, then, you're lucky, because he's all up in my business all the time.
Ah, I see what's going on here.
It's nature.
The younger male challenging the older male, the older male swiping back.
It's two rams locking horns on a mountain, two lions in a pride fighting for dominance.
Usually, the younger lion will kill the older lion, and then that lion would have the female lions in the house to mate with.
Ew! Nature is messed up.
Look, I just need your help, all right? Because Dad won't believe me about the chips.
He shouldn't believe you.
You're lying.
He doesn't know that! I think he does.
Well That's where you come in.
I am going to pretend to call the Frugal Hoosier, and you're going to pretend to work there.
Look, I'm changing your name in my phone to "Frugal Hoosier" instead of "Dork Nerdington.
" I'm in your phone? So, when I call you, put you on speaker phone, you pretend to work there and say, "We're out of chips.
" Wouldn't it be easier to just talk to him directly? No, trust me.
I know what I'm doing here, okay? Using my brother to pretend to be the guy at Frugal Hoosier is the smart way to handle this.
Look, Dad, I feel like you weirdly don't believe me about the chips, so I'm gonna call the Frugal Hoosier - and prove it.
- [DIALING.]
I really don't care that much, Axl.
- [RINGING.]
- No, no, no.
I want to.
BRICK: [SOUTHERN ACCENT.]
Frugal Hoosier, deli department.
Dustin speaking.
Hello, Dustin.
I was just there, and you said you were out of chips? What? Out of chips? Hey, Harry.
We out of chips? Sorry, man.
We're out of chips.
But we do currently have a special on sub sandwiches buy three feet, get three feet free.
Okay.
Thanks, man.
Bye.
Sounds like a good deal on subs there.
You got to take a good deal when you see one.
Why didn't you think to bring one home? I did.
Shut up.
[SQUEAKING.]
Sue, did you hear that? What? The sound of my dreams crashing down to earth? The sound of the voices in my head telling me I'm a failure? No, it was more of a squeaky sound.
Mom, this application is due tonight, and I am a wreck.
You know, I had a dream I didn't get it, but then I woke up, and I was so relieved, but then that turned out to be a dream, and I woke up again, but then that was a dream! I'm not sure I'm awake right now.
Well, whether you get it or not, we're just so proud of you for trying.
But I don't want to just try! I want to win! But how can I? Is my last name "Hilton" or "Marriott" or "Comfort Inn"? No! I am just plain old Sue Heck.
[GASPS.]
You know, it's these stupid posters giving me false hope.
Yeah! Who was I to think I could reach for the stars or go out on a limb?! - Sue! - People fall off limbs! Yeah! People die in space! Gah! Sue, Sue, stop.
I know you can do this.
You just need to calm - [SQUEAKING.]
- Do you hear that? FRANKIE: I'm the only one who hears it or sees it.
I feel like I'm in an old movie where the husband is trying to make the wife think she's crazy, but I don't see Mike going to that trouble.
[CHUCKLES.]
[BRAKES SQUEAL.]
Frankie, are we gonna talk about the elephant in this car? Huh? The peanut brittle.
Where is it? [LAUGHS.]
Seriously? Um, I I don't know.
Um, you don't know? Well, where I come from, when money is exchanged for goods and services, said goods and services are rendered.
I'm sorry.
I don't think I can drive you to work anymore.
In fact, I have half a mind to make you walk.
What? But I am too much of a gentleman.
Park it in spot 17.
And take care of her.
She's my baby.
What Dr.
Goodwin, isn't this kind of Had to do it, Frankie.
Tough love.
[SIGHS.]
So, you just drove his car? Well, he's a gentleman.
SUE: Mooooom! Great news, great news, great news, great news, great news! [DRAWER RATTLING.]
I am a finalist for the scholarship! - [GASPS.]
Oh, my God.
- What scholarship? They're interviewing the top 25 people, and I'm one of them.
They think I have a "quality.
" Can you believe it? I have a "quality"! So, the CEO guy is going to be Skyping me tomorrow night our time because he's overseas.
[GASPS.]
Oh, I am Skyping someone overseas! Yeah.
Things are happening for me! Oh, how could I ever doubt myself? How could I doubt my posters? You know, I will reach for the stars.
I will hang in there, kitty.
I will go out on a lim Aah! Ooh! I'm okay.
So, Axl was finally doing it.
He was trading in his beloved 'Bago and buying a car.
Unfortunately, he wasn't alone.
PETE: Hey, you're Frankie's family, right? Yeah.
How is she? You know, after she quit, we hired a woman way worse than her.
She was what you call a functional meth-head.
Anyway, tell Frankie that.
It will make her day.
So, what can I put you in today? Well, I want to trade in my vintage Winnebago.
The aged patina only adds to its rustic charm Look, we'll get 400 bucks for the Winnebago, you'll sell it for $600, so you're making $200 right there.
You're asking $5,500 for this, you're probably into it for $4,200.
Let's split the difference at $4,800 and call it a day.
Sold.
[GROANS.]
Oh, my God! Okay, my interview is in one minute, and I need a nice background, and there is not one wall in this house that doesn't have a crack or a hole or a boy booger on it.
How about in front of the breezeway screen? Um Oh, my God.
If you take this one foot of our house out of context, it almost looks elegant.
Okay, okay.
This is not a drill.
- [RINGING.]
- The interview for the scholarship that will set me on the path for the rest of my life is going to start in three, two - [COMPUTER DINGS.]
- Boom.
Hello? EVAN ACKERMAN: Sue Heck, hi.
First, on behalf of everyone at Franklin Butterfield Hotels and Resorts, congratulations on being a finalist.
- [DOORBELL RINGS.]
- [GASPS.]
Thank you, Mr.
Ackerman.
I am so thrilled to be chosen.
I know how special the Franklin Butterfield It's Friday, Frankie.
#TimesUp.
You got a really good deal there.
Want to grab a beer to celebrate? I'll spring for a name brand.
[CHUCKLES.]
Are you kidding me? What? This is my car.
Yeah, I know, but I always drive.
Oh, that's right.
You always drive.
And you always know the best way to cook eggs and to squeeze toothpaste and to get a deal on a car.
You know everything and I know nothing.
It's just like that song.
What song? I don't know.
Apparently, there's a song.
What's your problem? You're still treating me like a kid! I don't need you to tell me how to do things anymore.
You're telling me all the time.
You're making me nuts.
And I know I'm the younger lion and I'm challenging you and we're supposed to "lock horns" Lions don't have horns.
You don't need to tell me that lions don't have horns! Well, you just said I know lions don't have horns.
I just want to drive my own car.
Look, I'm older than you.
I know you think you know best, but there's still a lot more you have to learn, and it's my job to teach you.
It's been my job your whole life! Okay, so, is that how it's gonna be, like, forever? 'Cause you'll always be older than me, and Grandpa Big Mike will always be older than you, and there's a guy in Jasper who's like 103.
He'll always be older than all of us.
Maybe he should drive us home.
What do you want? You want me to just stand there, watch you do dumb things, and not say anything? [SCOFFS.]
Maybe they're not dumb.
Maybe they're just different.
[SIGHS.]
If I was bothering ya, why didn't you say something? I don't know.
'Cause [SIGHS.]
It's hard.
You're my dad.
I guess I haven't figured out how to tell you stuff like one adult to another.
Well, you did a pretty decent job right there.
[ENGINE STARTS.]
It's faster if you take Eh, you know where you're going.
I'm sorry, but we just don't have your peanut brittle yet.
What peanut brittle? What do you mean, "What peanut brittle"? What does he mean, "What peanut brittle"?! What kind of grift are you two running? SUE: Well, one trend I've noticed is that, uh, millennials are always looking for a communal space to socialize.
[QUIETLY.]
Dr.
Goodwin, can we go outside and talk about this? Sue's on a very important [LOUDLY.]
I don't want to go outside! I just want my Genuine Georgia's Best Peanut Brittle! Why?! Dr.
Goodwin, you are being insane.
Do you not understand the way the world works? Your co-worker comes in and guilts you into buying some crap thing from their kid.
You do it out of obligation, not because you want the crap thing! Nobody in the history of buying kids' school-fundraiser crap ever wanted the thing! And it's not made in Georgia! It's made by the Thronk Corporation in Toledoooooh! [SQUEAKING.]
Aah! Whoa! I knew it! I knew I saw something.
- [ALL SCREAM.]
- SUE: That's why I think design is so important to a younger clientele.
- Honestly - ALL: Whoa! See? I knew I wasn't crazy.
There's a bat in the house.
Do something.
You're older and wiser and always will be.
I will watch and learn.
There's a fishing net in the yard.
[ALL SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY.]
Um, uh, because I think people my age place more importance on concept than they do on space ALL: Whoa! Whoa, your house is nasty! EVAN ACKERMAN: That is a great quality for us.
Oh, well, I am sooooo happy to hear that.
A lot of the time, people think they're not as emotional and don't realize how important - the little details are.
- [CHUCKLES.]
Right.
EVAN ACKERMAN: And they also don't understand All right.
So, it's in Axl's room.
Axl's room? Really? Not the time, Brick.
Okay, we need a plan.
We can throw something hard at it.
Have you baked anything lately? Stand back! Where I'm from, we know how to do two things make cocktails and get rid of a bat.
Step aside.
Now, I'm gonna go in there.
No matter what I say, no matter what you hear, do not open this door.
- [BAT SQUEAKING.]
- Oh, Lord! - Go back to Hell, where you came from! - [GLASS, OBJECTS BREAKING.]
What do we do? Well, he did say not to open the door no matter what.
DR.
GOODWIN: I don't want to die in this room! Tell my mom I love her! It's done.
[ALL SIGH IN RELIEF.]
- [BAT SQUEAKING.]
- [ALL SCREAMING.]
What I hope to bring to the industry - is a unique voice - [SCREAMING CONTINUES.]
and confidence, always.
[CHUCKLES.]
- Whoa! - I got him! I got him! [BAT SQUEAKING.]
[SCREAMING CONTINUES.]
Okay, you almost got him, Mike! Ooh, you missed him! No, you got him now.
Get him! Ooh, you almost got him.
Oh, you missed him! I know I missed him! I don't need color commentary.
How about a little help?! And that's why I think we should [SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY.]
Uh, we should I'm sorry, I don't know what I think we should.
Uh, my mind is completely blank.
Okay.
Mr.
Ackerman.
I am so, so sorry.
I wanted this scholarship so badly.
You have no idea how badly.
And the only reason I haven't given you my full attention is because, while I have been talking to you, I have been dealing with this.
[ALL SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY.]
[BAT SQUEAKING.]
Die, you filthy varmint! Aah! [SIGHS.]
[GLASS SHATTERS.]
Um, now it's hanging on the breezeway screen.
Now it's eating the cereal.
Right out of the box? Guess he couldn't find a spoon, either.
Hey, thanks for trying to help.
I'm sorry I yelled at you.
[CHUCKLES.]
No, you were right.
I was acting a little crazy.
I think I just wanted that peanut brittle 'cause it reminded me of home.
But you know what? Tonight kind of reminded me of home chasing a bat, sitting on the front lawn with good friends.
The only thing missing was Well, you know Don't worry, we'll get you that peanut brittle.
Damn right you will.
SUE: Okay, I'm still kind of processing this, but you are looking at the newest recipient of the Franklin Butterfield Hotels and Resorts Scholarship.
I got it! - Oh, my God! - Are you kidding?! [CHUCKLING.]
Hey! - Oh, Sue! - Wow! After all that? Because of all that.
He said that if I can stay that calm under pressure, I would be perfect for the hotel industry.
Apparently, it's a stressful business.
He also said that bats are surprisingly common in hotels.
That seems disturbing, but I'm just gonna savor this victory.
Oh, honey.
We're so proud of you.
Yep, it wasn't easy, but you did it.
Yeah.
Actually, Dad, I did it for you.
Me? Yeah.
I have always felt so terrible that you had to sell your diaper business to pay for my school.
So I promised myself that, if there was ever a way I could pay you back, I would, so when that scholarship money comes in, it's yours.
All $200 of it.
Yeah.
Oh.
Well.
Does she have any idea how much college costs? [Mouths "No" FRANKIE: So, it was a crazy night.
But Dr.
Goodwin was right.
It was kind of nice to be out on the lawn on a warm spring evening with your family and your dentist boss.
And, after about two hours, the bat left.
'Cause let's face it nothing stays in our house by choice.
I'm finally back up to three.
If I can find two more, then we can all eat pudding at the same time.
- What are you doing? - Oh, my God.
Nobody's ever been this interested in me before.
I'm looking for spoons.
She wants us to eat pudding.
I don't want pudding.
Me neither, but it seems important to her.
Nobody has to eat pudding.
I am just using that as an example of something that a family with a normal amount of spoons could eat together.
[SIGHS.]
All right, what is this? Oh, that's an order form.
I need to sell 25 boxes of peanut brittle to raise money for the sophomore class.
It's due in two days, so you're going to need to hustle to sell those at work.
[SIGHS.]
Brick, I can't sell peanut brittle at a dentist's office.
Not with that attitude.
[SQUEAKING.]
- Did you see that? - See what? I don't know.
I just saw something.
Hmm.
You're digging in a backpack looking for silverware, you're seeing things, you're wearing one slipper.
You're this close to being that lady who wanders around the highway median.
Actually, she wears two slippers.
I'm going to need your keys for tomorrow so I can make sales calls.
Why is there a spoon in here? Oh, good.
That's four.
Okay, Mike, I'll drop you off and take your car.
I don't like this idea.
I don't get dropped places.
I drive.
Relax, Fred Flintstone.
You can drive to your work, and after you get out, I'll drive to mine.
Why is he Fred Flintstone? Because he's acting like a caveman.
I thought it's 'cause he works in a quarry.
I thought she meant 'cause he powers his car with his feet.
If Fred Flintstone moves the car with his feet, why doesn't he just walk at that point? 'Cause if he walks, he can't listen to the radio.
They didn't have iPods back then.
They didn't have radios, either.
Obviously, you've never seen the show! I'm not going to miss you guys when you move out of the house.
I know I'm supposed to, but I won't.
I can't let you take the car, anyway.
I got a lunch meeting.
[SIGHS.]
Oh, no.
I hate having to get a ride in with Dr.
Goodwin.
He thinks it's rude to honk, so anytime a car in front of us doesn't move, he yells, "Toot toot!" Well, it's only going to be for another couple of days because I'm trading in the 'Bago for a car.
Seriously? A real car? You're really going to say goodbye to the 'Bago? Yep.
End of an era.
I'll miss it.
It went with the general poverty theme we got going.
Yeah.
Listen You make sure, when you go in there, you know what you're looking for.
You need snow tires 'cause you drive in winter.
- Yes, I know I drive in the winter.
- Okay.
FRANKIE: Unfortunately, whenever you have two grown men in the house, one has to assert his dominance over the other, and, in our case, it was always gonna be Mike.
You're gonna want to kill the heat on that or your eggs will be chewy.
- [CHATTER ON TELEVISION.]
- [LAUGHS.]
[VOLUME DECREASES.]
Keep it at 26 for sports, 14 for regular TV.
You don't squeeze.
You roll.
We're not made of toothpaste.
Now, listen to me, you don't want to set foot in a car dealership until you've done your research and you know your price.
We should talk about this.
Uh, of course we should.
Hey! Here's my other slipper.
What is this doing in here? [CHUCKLES TRIUMPHANTLY.]
Who's crazy now, huh? You saw that, right? Now, before we end, I have these applications for the Franklin Butterfield Hotels and Resorts Scholarship.
It's very prestigious and very competitive.
I don't want to discourage any of you from applying, but, well, I would discourage any of you from applying.
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS.]
Hi, yeah, excuse me.
Um, I'm interested in the scholarship.
Oh.
You understand nobody from East Indy has ever made it to the finals.
Well, then, I guess we're due.
- [SIGHS.]
- I just don't want you to have unrealistic expectations.
If you can dream it, you can do it.
That's actually from a poster on my wall at home.
I also have one that says honesty is the best policy, which is why I felt compelled to tell you about the "dream it, do it" thing.
[SQUEALS.]
Thanks again for the ride.
It won't be for much longer.
Axl's buying a car.
Oh, I enjoy the company.
But can you do me a favor and ask Treeva to stop going through people's lunch in the fridge? With this whole #MeToo movement, I'm too nervous I'll say something wrong.
Sorry, but I can't get up in anybody's grill today.
I have to ask people to buy peanut brittle for Brick's class.
Ooh! I'll take some! You will? Thank you.
How much do you want? How much you got? Well, he's supposed to sell 25 boxes.
Sold! What? No, you don't have to buy all 25.
I want to.
We're friends.
I mean platonic friends.
My eyes are on the road, and I don't notice that you smell like honeysuckle.
[SNIFFS.]
Oh, Axl.
Okay, so, I'm applying for this scholarship, and it's really hard to get, and I really want it, and I need three words to describe myself.
Annoying, dorky, looks good in hats.
You think I look good in hats? [GASPS.]
Aww.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
You really got to talk to your husband.
Ugh, why? 'Cause he's on me all the time lately, just looming over me.
You know, he thinks anything I do he can do better.
[CHUCKLES.]
Like the song? What song? "Anything You Can Do, I Can Do Better.
" Never heard of it.
Don't sing it! I just need you to talk to him.
Why don't you talk to him? 'Cause I can't talk to him.
He'll be all like [GROWLS.]
I don't know what that means.
- I think you do.
- I totally do.
That's why I'm making you be the one who has to talk to him.
[CAR DOOR CLOSES.]
Okay.
The 7/11 may not work anymore as a pick-up spot.
Apparently, you are not allowed to refill your coffee cup with Slurpee.
[SLURPS.]
Oh.
Oh, you don't have the peanut brittle with you? What? Oh, no, Brick has to order it.
Oh.
You didn't say that.
Kind of had my hopes up for some peanut brittle.
[SLURPS.]
Really? Oh, I thought you were just being nice.
No, no.
I'm Southern I love peanut brittle, and thought I was gonna get some today.
[CHUCKLES.]
So, when's it coming in? [SLURPS.]
I don't know.
Can you call Brick and find out? - Yeah, sure.
- Yeah.
[SLURPS.]
I mean, now.
[CHUCKLES.]
Okay, my professor said this was going to be hard, but it's really hard! There are 10 essay questions.
Listen to this "What hotel trends do you see in the year 2028?" How should I know? We've never stayed in a nice one! Other than Disney World for that one night, the only places we've ever stayed are the kinds where you drive right up to the door and we carry our clothes in paper bags to the room.
Okay, before we get too deep into this, I'm going to need to take it back on the hats.
Axl, I don't need your approval on whether or not I look good in hats.
I'm just putting this down right here because my head is hot.
Okay.
I am so mad at Dad.
He's always telling us what to do.
Don't you hate that? I love that.
I love Dad's advice.
He is so wise.
Okay, if Dad is bugging you, then why don't you just talk to him? 'Cause it's him.
I don't want to run into the big, plaid, bossy wall.
Okay, I hardly ever get annoyed at Mom and Dad, but when I do, I just imagine that they're dead and then when I realize that they're not, I run up and hug them.
That's lame.
Did you get those chips I wanted? Uh, no.
See? What did I say before you left? "Write it down.
" You didn't and you forgot.
I didn't forget.
They were out.
They were out? It's what I said.
The entire Frugal Hoosier? Out of chips? No, Dad, I'm lying to you.
It's how I get my kicks.
Look, I didn't forget any chips.
If there were chips, you would have chips, but there were no chips, so I didn't get the chips.
But I did not forget the chips.
I forgot the chips.
Did you remember my juice boxes? They were out.
Look, Dad told me to write down chips, and I didn't, and if he finds out I forgot them, he'll never let me hear the end of it, and I really need to hear the end of it because he's been on me like crazy lately, and don't tell me you love Dad's advice! Well, he doesn't talk to me.
Well, then, you're lucky, because he's all up in my business all the time.
Ah, I see what's going on here.
It's nature.
The younger male challenging the older male, the older male swiping back.
It's two rams locking horns on a mountain, two lions in a pride fighting for dominance.
Usually, the younger lion will kill the older lion, and then that lion would have the female lions in the house to mate with.
Ew! Nature is messed up.
Look, I just need your help, all right? Because Dad won't believe me about the chips.
He shouldn't believe you.
You're lying.
He doesn't know that! I think he does.
Well That's where you come in.
I am going to pretend to call the Frugal Hoosier, and you're going to pretend to work there.
Look, I'm changing your name in my phone to "Frugal Hoosier" instead of "Dork Nerdington.
" I'm in your phone? So, when I call you, put you on speaker phone, you pretend to work there and say, "We're out of chips.
" Wouldn't it be easier to just talk to him directly? No, trust me.
I know what I'm doing here, okay? Using my brother to pretend to be the guy at Frugal Hoosier is the smart way to handle this.
Look, Dad, I feel like you weirdly don't believe me about the chips, so I'm gonna call the Frugal Hoosier - and prove it.
- [DIALING.]
I really don't care that much, Axl.
- [RINGING.]
- No, no, no.
I want to.
BRICK: [SOUTHERN ACCENT.]
Frugal Hoosier, deli department.
Dustin speaking.
Hello, Dustin.
I was just there, and you said you were out of chips? What? Out of chips? Hey, Harry.
We out of chips? Sorry, man.
We're out of chips.
But we do currently have a special on sub sandwiches buy three feet, get three feet free.
Okay.
Thanks, man.
Bye.
Sounds like a good deal on subs there.
You got to take a good deal when you see one.
Why didn't you think to bring one home? I did.
Shut up.
[SQUEAKING.]
Sue, did you hear that? What? The sound of my dreams crashing down to earth? The sound of the voices in my head telling me I'm a failure? No, it was more of a squeaky sound.
Mom, this application is due tonight, and I am a wreck.
You know, I had a dream I didn't get it, but then I woke up, and I was so relieved, but then that turned out to be a dream, and I woke up again, but then that was a dream! I'm not sure I'm awake right now.
Well, whether you get it or not, we're just so proud of you for trying.
But I don't want to just try! I want to win! But how can I? Is my last name "Hilton" or "Marriott" or "Comfort Inn"? No! I am just plain old Sue Heck.
[GASPS.]
You know, it's these stupid posters giving me false hope.
Yeah! Who was I to think I could reach for the stars or go out on a limb?! - Sue! - People fall off limbs! Yeah! People die in space! Gah! Sue, Sue, stop.
I know you can do this.
You just need to calm - [SQUEAKING.]
- Do you hear that? FRANKIE: I'm the only one who hears it or sees it.
I feel like I'm in an old movie where the husband is trying to make the wife think she's crazy, but I don't see Mike going to that trouble.
[CHUCKLES.]
[BRAKES SQUEAL.]
Frankie, are we gonna talk about the elephant in this car? Huh? The peanut brittle.
Where is it? [LAUGHS.]
Seriously? Um, I I don't know.
Um, you don't know? Well, where I come from, when money is exchanged for goods and services, said goods and services are rendered.
I'm sorry.
I don't think I can drive you to work anymore.
In fact, I have half a mind to make you walk.
What? But I am too much of a gentleman.
Park it in spot 17.
And take care of her.
She's my baby.
What Dr.
Goodwin, isn't this kind of Had to do it, Frankie.
Tough love.
[SIGHS.]
So, you just drove his car? Well, he's a gentleman.
SUE: Mooooom! Great news, great news, great news, great news, great news! [DRAWER RATTLING.]
I am a finalist for the scholarship! - [GASPS.]
Oh, my God.
- What scholarship? They're interviewing the top 25 people, and I'm one of them.
They think I have a "quality.
" Can you believe it? I have a "quality"! So, the CEO guy is going to be Skyping me tomorrow night our time because he's overseas.
[GASPS.]
Oh, I am Skyping someone overseas! Yeah.
Things are happening for me! Oh, how could I ever doubt myself? How could I doubt my posters? You know, I will reach for the stars.
I will hang in there, kitty.
I will go out on a lim Aah! Ooh! I'm okay.
So, Axl was finally doing it.
He was trading in his beloved 'Bago and buying a car.
Unfortunately, he wasn't alone.
PETE: Hey, you're Frankie's family, right? Yeah.
How is she? You know, after she quit, we hired a woman way worse than her.
She was what you call a functional meth-head.
Anyway, tell Frankie that.
It will make her day.
So, what can I put you in today? Well, I want to trade in my vintage Winnebago.
The aged patina only adds to its rustic charm Look, we'll get 400 bucks for the Winnebago, you'll sell it for $600, so you're making $200 right there.
You're asking $5,500 for this, you're probably into it for $4,200.
Let's split the difference at $4,800 and call it a day.
Sold.
[GROANS.]
Oh, my God! Okay, my interview is in one minute, and I need a nice background, and there is not one wall in this house that doesn't have a crack or a hole or a boy booger on it.
How about in front of the breezeway screen? Um Oh, my God.
If you take this one foot of our house out of context, it almost looks elegant.
Okay, okay.
This is not a drill.
- [RINGING.]
- The interview for the scholarship that will set me on the path for the rest of my life is going to start in three, two - [COMPUTER DINGS.]
- Boom.
Hello? EVAN ACKERMAN: Sue Heck, hi.
First, on behalf of everyone at Franklin Butterfield Hotels and Resorts, congratulations on being a finalist.
- [DOORBELL RINGS.]
- [GASPS.]
Thank you, Mr.
Ackerman.
I am so thrilled to be chosen.
I know how special the Franklin Butterfield It's Friday, Frankie.
#TimesUp.
You got a really good deal there.
Want to grab a beer to celebrate? I'll spring for a name brand.
[CHUCKLES.]
Are you kidding me? What? This is my car.
Yeah, I know, but I always drive.
Oh, that's right.
You always drive.
And you always know the best way to cook eggs and to squeeze toothpaste and to get a deal on a car.
You know everything and I know nothing.
It's just like that song.
What song? I don't know.
Apparently, there's a song.
What's your problem? You're still treating me like a kid! I don't need you to tell me how to do things anymore.
You're telling me all the time.
You're making me nuts.
And I know I'm the younger lion and I'm challenging you and we're supposed to "lock horns" Lions don't have horns.
You don't need to tell me that lions don't have horns! Well, you just said I know lions don't have horns.
I just want to drive my own car.
Look, I'm older than you.
I know you think you know best, but there's still a lot more you have to learn, and it's my job to teach you.
It's been my job your whole life! Okay, so, is that how it's gonna be, like, forever? 'Cause you'll always be older than me, and Grandpa Big Mike will always be older than you, and there's a guy in Jasper who's like 103.
He'll always be older than all of us.
Maybe he should drive us home.
What do you want? You want me to just stand there, watch you do dumb things, and not say anything? [SCOFFS.]
Maybe they're not dumb.
Maybe they're just different.
[SIGHS.]
If I was bothering ya, why didn't you say something? I don't know.
'Cause [SIGHS.]
It's hard.
You're my dad.
I guess I haven't figured out how to tell you stuff like one adult to another.
Well, you did a pretty decent job right there.
[ENGINE STARTS.]
It's faster if you take Eh, you know where you're going.
I'm sorry, but we just don't have your peanut brittle yet.
What peanut brittle? What do you mean, "What peanut brittle"? What does he mean, "What peanut brittle"?! What kind of grift are you two running? SUE: Well, one trend I've noticed is that, uh, millennials are always looking for a communal space to socialize.
[QUIETLY.]
Dr.
Goodwin, can we go outside and talk about this? Sue's on a very important [LOUDLY.]
I don't want to go outside! I just want my Genuine Georgia's Best Peanut Brittle! Why?! Dr.
Goodwin, you are being insane.
Do you not understand the way the world works? Your co-worker comes in and guilts you into buying some crap thing from their kid.
You do it out of obligation, not because you want the crap thing! Nobody in the history of buying kids' school-fundraiser crap ever wanted the thing! And it's not made in Georgia! It's made by the Thronk Corporation in Toledoooooh! [SQUEAKING.]
Aah! Whoa! I knew it! I knew I saw something.
- [ALL SCREAM.]
- SUE: That's why I think design is so important to a younger clientele.
- Honestly - ALL: Whoa! See? I knew I wasn't crazy.
There's a bat in the house.
Do something.
You're older and wiser and always will be.
I will watch and learn.
There's a fishing net in the yard.
[ALL SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY.]
Um, uh, because I think people my age place more importance on concept than they do on space ALL: Whoa! Whoa, your house is nasty! EVAN ACKERMAN: That is a great quality for us.
Oh, well, I am sooooo happy to hear that.
A lot of the time, people think they're not as emotional and don't realize how important - the little details are.
- [CHUCKLES.]
Right.
EVAN ACKERMAN: And they also don't understand All right.
So, it's in Axl's room.
Axl's room? Really? Not the time, Brick.
Okay, we need a plan.
We can throw something hard at it.
Have you baked anything lately? Stand back! Where I'm from, we know how to do two things make cocktails and get rid of a bat.
Step aside.
Now, I'm gonna go in there.
No matter what I say, no matter what you hear, do not open this door.
- [BAT SQUEAKING.]
- Oh, Lord! - Go back to Hell, where you came from! - [GLASS, OBJECTS BREAKING.]
What do we do? Well, he did say not to open the door no matter what.
DR.
GOODWIN: I don't want to die in this room! Tell my mom I love her! It's done.
[ALL SIGH IN RELIEF.]
- [BAT SQUEAKING.]
- [ALL SCREAMING.]
What I hope to bring to the industry - is a unique voice - [SCREAMING CONTINUES.]
and confidence, always.
[CHUCKLES.]
- Whoa! - I got him! I got him! [BAT SQUEAKING.]
[SCREAMING CONTINUES.]
Okay, you almost got him, Mike! Ooh, you missed him! No, you got him now.
Get him! Ooh, you almost got him.
Oh, you missed him! I know I missed him! I don't need color commentary.
How about a little help?! And that's why I think we should [SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY.]
Uh, we should I'm sorry, I don't know what I think we should.
Uh, my mind is completely blank.
Okay.
Mr.
Ackerman.
I am so, so sorry.
I wanted this scholarship so badly.
You have no idea how badly.
And the only reason I haven't given you my full attention is because, while I have been talking to you, I have been dealing with this.
[ALL SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY.]
[BAT SQUEAKING.]
Die, you filthy varmint! Aah! [SIGHS.]
[GLASS SHATTERS.]
Um, now it's hanging on the breezeway screen.
Now it's eating the cereal.
Right out of the box? Guess he couldn't find a spoon, either.
Hey, thanks for trying to help.
I'm sorry I yelled at you.
[CHUCKLES.]
No, you were right.
I was acting a little crazy.
I think I just wanted that peanut brittle 'cause it reminded me of home.
But you know what? Tonight kind of reminded me of home chasing a bat, sitting on the front lawn with good friends.
The only thing missing was Well, you know Don't worry, we'll get you that peanut brittle.
Damn right you will.
SUE: Okay, I'm still kind of processing this, but you are looking at the newest recipient of the Franklin Butterfield Hotels and Resorts Scholarship.
I got it! - Oh, my God! - Are you kidding?! [CHUCKLING.]
Hey! - Oh, Sue! - Wow! After all that? Because of all that.
He said that if I can stay that calm under pressure, I would be perfect for the hotel industry.
Apparently, it's a stressful business.
He also said that bats are surprisingly common in hotels.
That seems disturbing, but I'm just gonna savor this victory.
Oh, honey.
We're so proud of you.
Yep, it wasn't easy, but you did it.
Yeah.
Actually, Dad, I did it for you.
Me? Yeah.
I have always felt so terrible that you had to sell your diaper business to pay for my school.
So I promised myself that, if there was ever a way I could pay you back, I would, so when that scholarship money comes in, it's yours.
All $200 of it.
Yeah.
Oh.
Well.
Does she have any idea how much college costs? [Mouths "No" FRANKIE: So, it was a crazy night.
But Dr.
Goodwin was right.
It was kind of nice to be out on the lawn on a warm spring evening with your family and your dentist boss.
And, after about two hours, the bat left.
'Cause let's face it nothing stays in our house by choice.