Bob's Burgers s09e22 Episode Script

1 GENE: So a cruise ship is docking in town today.
Who wants to hit the pier after school and play a little sunburn bingo? -What's sunburn bingo? -We look at the cruise ship people on the beach and the first one to spot all five kinds of funny sunburns wins.
Flip-flop feet, sunscreen hand-print on your back Left your glasses on, strap attack and upper butt.
I'm in.
Tina? Um, maybe.
Hey, Jimmy Jr.
, do you want to go? - Uh, that sounds kind of - Like a hot date? (chuckles) - Get it? - Uh uh I get it! I like funny sunburns.
Count me in.
Oh, okay.
Uh, yeah, then me, too.
Yeah.
Huh, Jimmy Jr.
and Zeke.
Great.
- Come here, J-Ju! Come on.
- Zeke.
(laughs) - Zeke.
(shouts) Zeke! - Okay, okay.
Wait, wait, Zeke, what are you doing up there? Wait.
Oh, okay.
I'm coming at you from the top rope! Here I go! - Wait, Zeke, don't.
- Zeke, get down from that table.
- Brace yourself, J-Ju! Here I go! - Zeke, stop.
- Zeke! Ow! My penis! - (shouts) That does it, Zeke.
Detention, after school today.
- Aw, dag.
- M-Mr.
Frond, give me detention, too.
No.
Go ask the lunch lady for some ice for your penis.
I guess we'll have to play sunburn bingo without you, Zeke.
Well, think of me while you're sunburn-shaming the tourists.
Maybe.
We might.
Might not, though.
- JIMMY JR.
: I will! - But we won't.
Hello, Bob and Linda.
- Oh, hey.
- Hey, Randy.
What can I get you, a burger? Oh, thank you, Linda.
I've already eaten, and I'm a vegetarian.
Meat is murder.
But you can get me this.
- Uh, what? - A hug? The restaurant.
You want to buy it? God, no.
I want to rent it out to shoot my independent short feature film here.
- Exciting.
- It is! My film is about a man looking back on his life.
It's called A Life Well Steved.
I play Steve.
- (gasps) I love it.
- Hmm.
And this place is even better than my original location, which fell through when it burned down.
Maybe because I overloaded the circuits with my lighting.
- Maybe not.
- Uh, what? -And I'll need to shoot it tomorrow.
-Tomorrow? Sorry, Randy, but tomorrow's Saturday, and it's usually our busiest day of the week.
(laughs) I I don't think you can afford to pay us enough to close - Oh, you can.
- Mm-hmm.
H-How do you Oh, right.
You're a trust fund kid.
We prefer the term "lucky baby duckies.
" Ooh, we'll have a whole film crew in here.
The lighting guy will be over there, and the "cinnamon-tographer" will be over there.
Nope.
It'll just be me.
I am my own "cinnamon-tographer.
" I'm also the writer, director, producer and star.
And makeup artist and on-set tutor.
- I'm tingling! - Uh, well Come on, Bob.
You love movies.
- This will be fun.
- Yeah.
Maybe it'll be fun.
I mean, probably not, but let's do it.
- Great! - All right.
I'll bring some of my gear over in a little bit.
See you guys later.
Our restaurant's gonna be famous.
Just like the restaurant in Seinfeld.
"More soup for you.
" I still only have upper butt and strap attack.
Did these cruise people finally discover sunscreen? This is nice, huh, Jimmy Jr.
? - You, me, the kids.
- Look! Zeke's here.
Zeke! - Damn it.
- Come stand next to me.
- Tina, move over a little.
- So, closer? - No.
- Like this? No.
Take, like, two steps that way.
-Oh.
-Wait, why do you look so sad, Zeke? I got problems.
My dad got mad at me about getting detention.
Well, he should be used to it by now.
No, this time it's serious.
He said if I get one more detention, he's sending me to a special school an hour away for kids who need guidance with disciplinary issues.
An hour away? - Oh, no.
- Sorry, Zeke.
- (groans) - That's really far.
Yeah, damn.
Well, we'll just have to make the best of it, Jimmy Jr.
We'll hang out all week and then, uh, maybe see Zeke on the weekends.
You can call them the "Zeke-ends.
" W-We can work on your issues, Zeke.
- W-We can't let this happen! - It already happened.
- Wait, what do you mean? - When I was in detention, Mr.
Frond left me alone for a little while, and I spelled a bad word on the ceiling by whipping wet toilet paper up there.
He's gonna see it on Monday.
JIMMY JR.
: Why, Zeke? Why would you do that? ZEKE: I don't know! I was I was frustrated, I guess.
Where did you get the toilet paper? I always carry a roll for emergency pranks and poops.
- Smart.
- What bad word did you spell? Basically every bad word strung together.
-Whoa.
-How did you decide which word went first? - Sound.
- This is the worst thing ever.
I can't only see you on the Zeke-ends.
That's not enough Zeke for me.
- Wh-Who will I eat lunch with? - Me.
- Who will I wrestle with? - Me.
Who's gonna explain cootie catchers to me? Me.
I mean, I kind of get them.
What are we gonna do?! Well, I mean, if I was in this situation, I'd just sneak into the school tomorrow and take the toilet paper bad word off the ceiling before anyone sees it.
But that's me.
Maybe you guys don't want to walk on the wild side.
- No, no, we do want to.
- Yeah, I'll do anything.
But how would we get in? - Tomorrow's Saturday.
- Yeah.
Well, I've been working on a prank for when I graduate.
It involves a lot of crickets, but that's a whole other story.
-Tell me at bedtime.
-I haven't worked the prank out entirely, but I have figured out how to get in the school.
The gym has a window about eight feet high that's always cracked a little.
We could push a dumpster over by the window, climb up and pull it open.
It only opens wide enough to slip a very small person inside.
Or a million crickets.
ZEKE: What about you? Flattered, but no.
Smaller than me.
I was thinking Pocket Sized Rudy.
He goes through the window, opens the door for us, bing, bang, boom.
Ooh, Pocket Sized Rudy is in Colonial Williamsburg.
Again? God, that family loves candle making.
Well, there's got to be other small kids at our school.
There is this kid in my class, Arnold Evans.
He's a really smart eight-year-old who skipped a grade.
That kid who wears a karate outfit to school sometimes? Or what I think is a karate outfit? - I don't really get fashion.
- Yeah, that's him.
I bet he could fit through that window.
What do you think? -Let's do it.
-Hell yeah! -I'm in.
But maybe not, because breaking into the school is wrong.
Let's think about that for a second.
Thought about it.
We're doing it.
Look at y'all, helping old Zeke out.
Sense of community and whatnot.
Yeah, you're not going anywhere.
- (crying): I hope not.
- Room for one more? (Tina groans) Great.
Okay, Belcher kid meeting.
Arnold said he's in as long as we call him "sensei.
" I said no.
He said he's still wearing his karate outfit.
- I said fine.
- Great.
But now we got to figure out what we're gonna tell Mom and Dad about why we can't work tomorrow.
Ugh.
Easy.
We tell them we're doing something stupid and helpful, like cleaning up the beach.
Oh, perfect.
Follow my lead.
Hey, kids.
Mom, Dad, we've got some big news that we think you're gonna be excited about.
Wait, what's all this? Oh, Randy's shooting a movie here tomorrow.
So we're closing.
You guys have the day off.
- Oh, cool.
- Wh-What's the big news, Louise? Um, that we love you guys.
- In spite of everything.
- Aw.
Belcher kid meeting.
Okay, that first Belcher kid meeting was unnecessary.
We're good.
-Operation help Zeke is a go.
-Yay! -Yay.
Okay, Arnold should be here any minute.
In the meantime, Zeke, go ahead and wrestle that window open.
(grunting) Get open.
Come on.
- Loosen up.
You son of a - Hi, guys.
-Hi.
- Arnold.
- Hi, buddy.
- Sup? Ready to slide through this window, Arnold? Look, I know I'm here because I'm height-impaired and, uh, size-challenged and, uh - Small? - Eh, uh (chuckles) Really don't like that word too much.
Uh You should know that I have many talents, uh, that can be of service.
For instance, my skills.
(grunts) How about that? It looks very much like you're about to do the robot.
That'll, uh, come in handy, for sure.
But first, how about you slip in the window and open the door for us? Guys, I think we're pressuring Arnold too much.
He doesn't have to do this if he doesn't want to.
No, I want to.
The karate code says - you must help people in need.
- Damn.
Preesh.
Now get up here.
Come on.
I mean, it doesn't say that verbatim, but, uh, it's implied.
- Great.
- (grunts) Wha Oh, God.
It's a long drop.
(screams) LOUISE: Arnold? Buddy? You okay? - Does this look okay? - Let's do this! Oops.
I forgot to prop the door open.
One more time? Okay, lets get shooting.
So, you do the whole thing into the camera? Like you're, like you're talking to it - like it's a person? - That's right, Linda.
Steve delivers his monologue to the camera, reflecting on flashback scenes that I already shot.
Now shush, Bob.
We're about to roll.
I-I didn't say any - Bob, shush.
- Okay.
All right.
And action.
Looking back on my life, it's funny.
The things I did that made people happy.
The things I did that made people sad.
The whole time, I had no idea what an impact I had.
Whether it was reading to Grandpa when he was in the home or seeing a stranger on a windy day and offering them my comb.
-(whispers): Wait, does this all rhyme? -Shh! And cut.
Did you say something, Bob? No.
Actually, Linda was saying something about how everything rhymed - and if that was weird.
- Nuh-uh.
We're in.
Hard part's over.
Should be smooth sailing now.
- (all scream) - JIMMY JR.
: My penis! What the hell? Why are the hallways all slippy-slidey? -(Branca vocalizing) -Shh! Look, Mr.
Branca's waxing the floors.
Oh, no, we're busted.
Oh, good, he's waxing away from us.
Everyone take off your shoes.
If we don't scuff his floors, he won't know we're here.
Summer breeze Makes me feel fine Blowing through the jasmine Detention room's this way, J-Ju.
I know, I'm just grabbing this to knock the bad word off the ceiling in the suspension room.
My main man's bright.
I mean, not book smart, but broom smart.
RANDY: And you know what was the big game changer? When I decided to never again use the word "stranger.
" - (whispers): He's still rhyming.
- And cut.
Bob, why don't you stand in the kitchen so I won't pick you up on the audio.
- Fine.
- I'm so sorry, Randy.
-I can still hear you breathing, Bob! -Oh, uh, go in the employee bathroom, Bob.
- Perfect.
- BOB: No.
I'm not standing in the bathroom - while you shoot the movie.
- Come on, Bob.
BOB: I thought this might be fun, but I'm annoyed that I have to stand in here - while you're shooting.
- You're annoyed? - You're annoying.
- BOB: You are! - You are! - BOB: You are! Ooh, behind-the-scenes movie drama.
I bet this was what it was like on the set of E.
T.
Spielberg and E.
T.
just going at it.
- There it is.
- ALL: Whoa.
That really is every swear word put together.
I'm impressed, Zeke.
Guys, I'm not sure how we're gonna get that down.
I had my great broom idea, but I don't I don't think it's long enough to reach.
Let me see.
(grunts) Poop.
I guess this is a real mission impossible, right? Poop! Wait, what if I get on that desk and J-Ju gets on my shoulders? - I bet it would reach.
- That's so smart, Zeke.
Let's do it.
Come on.
Come on, get up here.
- Okay, uh - Come on.
Ooh, wow.
- You losing weight, J-Ju? - (chuckles) A-a little.
- (sighs) - ZEKE: Come on! (grunting) - Ow.
Still not close enough.
- Come on! - Push! - (grunts) - Aah! - Well, it's a start.
Yeah, but at this rate, we'll be here all day.
As long as we're done by 4:00.
There's a Facts of Life marathon, and, honey, I've been training for it.
And I thought to myself, "I can't take another hurdle.
I think I am that baby turtle.
" And cut.
Oh, Randy, that was beautiful.
- Oh, you think so? - Oh, yeah, it was perfect.
- It wasn't too on the nose? - No.
Thanks.
That means a lot.
How long have you been finished? Were you ever gonna tell me when to leave the bathroom? Oh, relax, Bob.
We just cut.
You're free to stay out here while I rehearse the turn in my monologue.
Wow, thank you.
(clears throat) You think I wanted to end up here? In a depressing place like this? - Day after day? - BOB: What? Wait.
I thought this was about a guy happily looking back on his life.
And by the way, Randy, what happened to the rhyming? First of all, I don't know what you're talking about with the rhyming.
Second, I did some last-minute rewrites this morning.
The whole thing was just too neat.
It needed a dark turn.
Is it still called A Life Well Steved? It is, but I added some commas.
So now it's A Life, Well, Steved.
Like he had good intentions, then he "Steved" it up.
- Oh, I get it.
- (Bob sighs) You didn't say you were gonna make the restaurant sound - like a depressing - Stink hole? - No.
I didn't say that.
- Well, I'm gonna use it.
Y-You can't call my restaurant a stink hole.
- Did you cash the check? - (sighs) Yes.
- I'm saying stink hole.
- Damn it! (humming) - (Gene grunts) - Ugh.
It looks like we only got about a quarter of it down.
I-I can still make out a few swear words.
Yeah.
And they're the worst ones.
- Even I'm offended by that one.
- H'yah! Well, gang call the people who clean up stadiums, because we left it all on the field.
- We tried our best.
Darn.
- Wait, wait.
I saw a ladder in the closet that I took the broom from.
So you saw a ladder but you grabbed a broom.
- You're lucky you're cute.
- H'yah! Let's go grab that ladder.
But Mr.
Branca's still out there.
Yeah.
He already waxed off.
- We don't want him to wax on.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
-It's okay for me to make that joke.
-H'yah! - (clattering) - Hello? What was that noise? - (whispers): Who is that? - FROND: Hello? It's Mr.
Frond.
- Oh, no.
- We're screwed.
- Dang.
- Finally.
I mean, fudge.
- What should we do? - Don't make a sound.
I can go out there and put a wrist lock on him.
Take him down.
Is that cool? No Maybe.
No.
Is someone here? I heard a noise.
Maybe it came from over here.
(screams) What are you doing walking all over my clean floors?! I'm-I'm sorry, Mr.
Branca.
I forgot today was floor waxing.
I came in to try on some shirts I bought online.
The mirrors in the second floor bathrooms are flattering I-I mean, honest.
Tell me about it.
(laughs) Anyway, I-I-I thought I heard something, but I guess it was you.
Yes.
Now please, take off your shoes.
Okay, but I have to take my pants off to get my shoes off.
- Don't ask questions.
- Oh, thank God.
- (all sigh) Great.
Now we have to sneak around Mr.
Branca and Mr.
Frond.
The odds are stacked against us.
Two powerhouses out there.
Okay, I think Mr.
Frond should be doing whatever weird thing he said he was doing in the bathroom by now.
Let's slide over to the closet and get that ladder.
GENE: Is it a corporate ladder? 'Cause I'm gonna climb that son of a bitch.
RANDY: Be honest.
Is this terrible, terrible place purgatory? It's worse? Oh, dear God.
- And cut.
- This is so Who-who is your character even talking to? - Is it your evil twin? - Good guess, Linda, but no.
It's something no other film - has ever done before.
- I give up.
Death.
I've been talking to Death.
Oh, like that Ingmar Bergman movie where the guy's playing chess with Death? Or that movie where Brad Pitt plays Death? What's it called? Meet Jack Black? Nope.
Totally different.
Not like those at all.
I'm going to put this on and shoot the big reveal of Death sitting across from me.
If I gave you your money back, Randy, would you just leave right now? - No.
- (sighs) (Branca vocalizing) (continues vocalizing) - (door closing) - Hmm? Mm.
Ladders are great; they're like skinny stairs.
We're gonna be outta here in no time.
Yeah, and then you won't have to go to that special impulse control school, and we can keep hanging out all day every day, Zeke.
Yeah.
In between classes and everything.
- Quick hug.
- Uh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
(Tina sighs) So now you're just gonna shoot the other way, - with Death reacting to Steve? - Yes.
So the big reveal of Death is just you cutting back and forth between Steve and Death? - Yep.
- Isn't that gonna look - kind of stupid? - Groundbreaking? You need someone else to play Death, Randy, so you can get a shot with both of you in it, you idiot.
Oh, I'll do it.
Ah, nah, Death is probably a white man.
- Bob, you do it.
- Yeah, Bob, you do it.
Fine, Randy, I will do it! Great, you'll need this! This is actually kind of cool! I know! You're welcome! I'm so glad y'all helped me dodge this bullet.
The other school's motto is: "We never give up on you.
" That's too much pressure.
Yeah, what's their problem? I mean, it sounds like a pretty good school, but I guess you won't get the help you need.
That's all.
It's like it's snowing.
I'm gonna make a toilet paper angel.
Ah.
-I wish I could be that carefree.
-(grunting) But a lot of people depend on me.
Okay, last row.
Zeke, make it count.
Okay, tee-pee, you don't have to get flushed, (grunting): but you can't stay here.
Okay, this is clearly a women's camouflage tank.
But I'm not not pulling it off.
I'll take a lap in it and see how it feels.
That's the last of it.
Like it never happened.
-(cheering) -Okay, who's in there? I heard that.
- Someone's in there.
- Uh-oh.
I can wait here all day.
If you think I have somewhere better to be on a Saturday, think again.
- What do we do? - I don't know, but at least he can't get in here.
Oh, there's a key to this room in Ms.
Schnur's office.
(laughs) - Crap.
- (Frond screaming) Whoa! Oh.
Oh, great.
I think that's a stain.
I guess I have to keep it now.
- What do we do now? - Mr.
Frond is coming back - any second with that key.
- We should go out the window.
I mean, we'd fall to our deaths because we're on the second floor, but maybe.
Well, I guess this is it.
I can't stand it, Zeke.
Thanks for trying, everyone.
I'm gonna take this stapler to remember this place by.
Every time I look at this stapler, I'll think of you, Jimmy Jr.
I don't know why you picked a stapler, but okay.
Zeke has a stapler and you have me, Jimmy Jr.
Everything worked out the way it was supposed to.
I thought we could fix this, Zeke.
I thought I could keep us together.
(sobbing): We did everything we could.
(sobbing): I'll never be happy again, Zeke.
It's so cute how they're both ugly criers.
(sighs) I have an idea.
We all transfer to the special school? - We go up.
- Do what? We go up into the ceiling, then we pull the ladder up, replace the tile, and crawl to another spot in the school where we can climb down.
The ceiling can't hold us, Tina, it's just those dumb tiles.
The tiles can't hold us but the cable trays can.
They're bolted into the ceiling.
Cable trays? What language are you speaking, girl? All the computer cables and stuff are on these metal tracks up there.
- They can hold our weight.
- How do you know that? I, um, heard that a friend of mine, a cool friend, might've used to go up there and try to catch a glimpse of anything in the boys' locker room.
Y-You don't know her.
She's great and she's gorgeous.
O-Okay.
Everyone, put on your shoes and let's go.
But is it safe-ish? Just stay on the tray, and don't wobble.
And spread out.
And may God have mercy on our souls.
Okay, let's pull the ladder up.
(metal clanking) What on Earth is that sound? Gotcha! What the ? So there's the story of my life.
At least, my side of it.
Please, let me go back.
I don't want to be stuck in this stink hole.
- Nice.
- How could anyone spend eternity in a place like this? (spits) I want to turn my life around.
Can you wait to take me? Just a few more years? Can you spare me for just a few more years? Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
And cut.
- Oh, that was great.
- Really? Yeah.
That was, uh, that was something, Randy.
Ah! And so moving.
(sighs) Okay, well, then I guess that's a wrap.
Thank you, Bob.
I think we made something really special here today.
Uh, I'm happy for you, Randy, and I'm also happy that it's over.
And I'm keeping this robe; I've never had a robe.
This was a great idea, T-Bird.
LOUISE: Do you know where we are, Tina? I think we're over the hallway.
We'll have to find the lockers and jump down on those.
You lost me at "jump down.
" - I just don't under What? - (rattling overhead) Is somebody up there? (grunts) - (Frond grunting) - Go, go, go.
Go.
(Zeke grunting) Zeke, throw that stapler that way.
Maybe Mr.
Frond will go down the wrong hallway.
- Okay.
- W-W-Wait.
Wait.
Wait, Zeke.
Let me do it.
I can fling it like a throwing star.
But Zeke's a little stronger.
- I need this.
- Oh, gosh.
Okay.
Let it fly, little guy.
I believe in you, - but also, don't mess up.
- H'yah! - Whoa.
- Wow, you got that far.
- Damn.
- Now you know.
Okay, gotcha! (grunting) - (groans) - What the hell are you doing? You're getting ceiling dirt all over my floors! - There's somebody up there.
- LOUISE: Move it.
BRANCA: You are cleaning this up.
-I heard people in that room, and -Oh, really? -And then in the ceiling.
-Well, how did they get in the ceiling? Did they fly? - (overlapping arguing) - Here.
BRANCA: You are ca-ca cuckoo.
You know that, Mr.
Frond? FROND: I am not ca-ca cuckoo.
- BRANCA: But I like that shirt.
- FROND: Thank you.
It's a men's tank.
Bye.
No one's gonna see that movie, right? Eh, maybe those tomato people will? See how many tomatoes they'll give it? This place isn't like death, is it? What? Course not.
I mean, we're probably gonna die here, but you know - Uh, not helping.
- But not for a long, long time.
And I wouldn't trade that for anything.
- Mwah! - (chucking) You want to die in our restaurant? Yeah.
In 60 years.
Both of us, same time.
We'll cross our eyes, stick out our tongues and fall over.
I-I think I'm gonna smile a little, so I don't freak out the kids when they find us.
They said we'd never be able to pull it off, just like the Band-Aid on my testicles.
Uh, Tina, you really made me the happiest boy today.
- I did? - Yeah, you really came through - with that ceiling thing.
- Well, you know, it was nothing.
But you can keep telling me how happy I make you.
What are you guys talking about? Just that it's all thanks to Tina that you won't be sent away to that stupid school.
-That's right.
You saved me, Tina.
-(groans) I just have to never get in trouble again.
I can do that.
- Come here, you, come on.
- Ow.
- Get over here.
- Zeke! Zeke! No.
- Don't give me a wedgie.
- (Zeke grunting) I know it's hard to give up having Jimmy Jr.
's butt all to yourself, but you did the right thing, T, helping out those two idiots.
I know.
Stop reminding me.
I hope Mr.
Branca finds the note we left.
"We found your ladder in the trash "and put it back in the ceiling for you.
"You're welcome! X-O-X-O, Your Secret Admirer.
" Oh Wet toilet paper Ooh, wah, wah, wah, ooh Climbing through the window J-Ju's got the broomstick Climb into the ceiling Ooh, wah, wah, wah, ooh Look out! Waxing all the hallways Stapler Fling it like a throwing star Ooh, wah, wah, wah, ooh Sliding on the clean floors Toilet paper angel Wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah.