Frasier s09e22 Episode Script

So just remember, when you're standing there out on the Why hasn't Frasier mentioned the Spokane thing yet? I don't know.
I'm sure we'll get to it by the end of the show.
Well, he better.
Because I left him a memo and an e-mail specifically asking him to promote this Spokane thing.
Now, ignoring an e-mail's one thing, but a memo and an e-mail? I may have to bring the hammer down and leave a Post-it on his desk.
Which brings me to a bit of news.
Monday, there will be a new addition to the Frasier Crane radio family.
The city of Spokane.
Ooh, thank goodness.
Man, that was like the Cuban Missile Crisis for a moment, wasn't it? In fact, KQZY is not only going to be carrying the show, but they've invited Roz and me to conduct Monday's broadcast from their studios in Spokane.
But fret not, Seattle.
Although my body will be 300 miles away, my heart will be firmly lodged in your radios.
You know, that sounded a lot better this morning in the shower.
Anyway, good day and good mental health.
- I thought Friday was your bath day.
- Well, I woke up late.
What time do you want me to pick up you and Roger? Ooh, there's been a change in plans.
Roger is not coming to Spokane.
Really? Well, nothing wrong, I hope.
We broke up.
Oh, Roz, I'm so sorry.
We talked about some problems we'd been having and decided, you know, we'd be better off apart.
- When did this happen? - Last week.
- Last week? - I didn't tell you, because I didn't want to have a long conversation.
I understand.
You must be going through a lot.
Back in private practise, - I used to tell my Grief group that - See, this is exactly what I mean.
I appreciate your concern, but I am fine.
Really.
Okay.
Boy, what a surprise.
- No more Roger.
- I know.
Yes.
He had a rare kind of dignity and integrity you don't see much of nowadays.
Especially among people who own a bench press.
I don't believe I've ever met anyone with that combination of gentility and brute strength.
Well, not anybody single.
[LAUGHS.]
- I'm not helping, am I? - No.
Niles, I thought you and Daphne were going out tonight.
She's still getting ready.
Hey, Frasier, am I dressed appropriately for something called Bananarama? You're in Armani.
Who could object? - Hey, guys.
FRASIER: Dad.
Uh, just lean it up against the window there, will you? - What is this? - It's mahogany.
Real straight grain too.
I found it outside the construction site next door.
They were gonna throw it away.
Dad, I thought we had this discussion when you found that mattress on the side of the highway.
But this isn't for resale.
I'm gonna make a TV table out of it.
Thanks, fellas.
Isn't it a beaut? There's a ketchup packet stuck to it.
Oh, it's gonna feel good to break out the tools, roll up my sleeves and make something with my own two hands.
FRASIER: Are you sure this is a good idea? Woodworking has never really been your strength.
Yeah.
I think the scariest words of my childhood were: "Your father needs your help down in the basement.
" I must have done something right.
I made a lot of good stuff.
Even with directions, you could never assemble anything.
I remember a playset where the slide ended right in front of the swings.
- I don't remember that.
- I know.
Sorry.
Now, I'm gonna build a TV table, and I need a number one helper.
- Whose turn is it? - No, no.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
I am leaving for Spokane on Sunday.
I will not be available.
- Your show's not till Monday.
- Yes, well, I have sponsors to meet.
I have press interviews and photo sessions.
Niles, this is a very big step in my career.
If I can prove that my brand of radio travels well, perhaps I can parlay Spokane into Denver, Chicago.
Maybe even New York City.
- Well, you win, buddy.
- Oh.
I'll see you tomorrow.
Be sure to wear some work gloves.
Oh, and some coveralls.
We don't want a repeat of that necktie-in-the-bandsaw incident.
Oh, great.
With my luck, there'll be a baseball game on the radio too.
It won't be so bad.
How can you say that? You once tried to report him to the Child Labor Board.
I was being proactive.
You used to lock yourself in the bathroom to cry.
I didn't go in there to cry.
I went in to regather my patience.
Say, Niles, why don't you ask Daphne to fill in for you? - Daphne? - Well, why not? She's gonna owe you big-time after this banana event.
No, no, it's a concert.
And I hardly think it compares to the torture of assisting Dad.
All right, I'm ready.
Oh, Niles, you're not going in those clothes.
Come with me.
I got you some hair gel and parachute pants.
HERM: Okay, here's the drill.
I'll introduce you to the reporters, they'll ask you questions, try not to go on too much.
The faster we get them to the courtesy liquor, the better.
Oh, don't worry, Herm.
I'll get my message across.
You see, I'm a bit of a puppeteer when it comes to the press.
Good.
But still, liquor.
Oh, sorry I'm late, doc.
I, uh, had a situation at the hotel, but it's under control now.
Judging from the pillow wrinkles on your cheek, it was a nap situation.
- Point is, it's under control.
- Ah.
Kenny Daly.
Don't say hi or anything? Herm Evans.
So how's our star doing? - Everything go okay with the CPSs? - Terrific.
- And your ExecComm? - Oh, they're thrilled.
- What about the M&M's? - Help yourself.
- Hey, everybody.
- Hey, Roz.
Let me introduce you to Herm Evans, the station manager.
- Hi.
- Nice to meet you, Roz.
- Thank you.
- Now that everybody's here, - I'll go get the reporters.
- Right, right.
Uh, Roz, listen, sure you're up to this? Yeah, why? Why wouldn't I be? Well, it's been a tough time lately, you know, with the Roger situation.
Oh, knock it off, Frasier, I'm fine.
- You're sure? - Yes.
I wouldn't blame you if you were struggling.
I mean, my head would be filled with "what if"s and "if only"s and Oh, God forbid, the looming question: "What if I'll never again have a chance?" Ooh, here comes the press.
All right, big smiles.
HERM: Thanks for coming, everybody.
Hey, Matt, is that a new tie or did you just have it cleaned? [BOTH LAUGH.]
There'll be plenty of time for that cheese plate after you've fallen in love with KQZY's proud new addition, - Dr.
Frasier Crane.
- Thank you.
Thank you very much.
I'd like to take this opportunity to introduce my lovely producing partner, Roz Doyle.
I'm looking forward to becoming part of the radio landscape in Spokane.
Dr.
Crane, how do you feel about taking over Neal Sullivan's time slot? - I'm sorry, who? HERM: Nobody.
It's a guy you're replacing.
Nobody? He's been a Spokane institution for 30 years.
HERM: Yes, we all saw your column.
You know what would make another great column? Dr.
Crane went to Harvard and Oxford.
Wow.
No offence, Dr.
Crane, your degrees aren't going to make us forget Sully.
And I don't intend that they should.
I don't want you to forget anyone.
- I'm here to help people.
CATHY: Sully helps people.
Every Fourth of July, he organizes a group of troubled teens and cleans up all the trash on the riverbanks.
Will we be seeing you on the Fourth of July? Hey, what's this over here? Free liquor? REPORTERS: Hey, Sully.
- Hey, guys.
Don't let me interrupt.
I, uh, just clearing out a few things from my desk.
Just wanted to stop by and wish my successor luck.
Oh, thank you.
Thank you so much, Mr.
Sullivan.
As someone who has served Spokane, your blessing is appreciated.
You don't need my blessing.
I'm just a simple man with a passion for Spokane in his heart and a termination notice in his pocket.
Heh.
Sully, will you be listening to Dr.
Crane's show tomorrow? Not sure, Cathy.
I've been going around on that one like the horses on the Looff.
[LAUGHING.]
I'm sorry, the Looff? - It's a carousel.
- Oh.
I guess you have to be in the city more than three hours to know that.
Ha-ha.
Sully, what are you going to do with your time now? Good question, Frank.
When my dad retired, he died a month later.
Take that any way you like.
But, uh, you know what, fellas? You really should be asking Dr.
Crane the questions.
If anyone needs me, I'll be down the street at Mulligan's, buying rounds.
- Keep smiling.
REPORTERS: We'll miss you.
Let's hear it for Sully.
[SINGING.]
For he's a jolly good fellow For he's a jolly good fellow For he's a jolly good fellow Which nobody can deny Which nobody can deny Which nobody can I think we're going to need a smaller drill bit.
- Where's the chuck key? - The what? You know, that thing there.
The tightener.
- It's called the chuck key.
- Well, maybe in England.
Here in the U.
S.
, it doesn't have a specific name.
- Did you get the wood screws? - Oh, damn.
I forgot to pick them up at the hardware store.
Don't worry.
I'll fetch them.
No, that's all right.
I'll get them.
- You get started gluing the footpads.
- All right.
Watch out for the extension cord.
That's the orange electricity hose.
I know what it is.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
- Hey, Dad.
- Hey, Niles.
I thought you were busy with an emergency at Northwest.
I was.
I just finished.
This is my guest badge that has today's date on it.
You can't fake that.
Uh-huh.
- See you in a half-hour.
NILES: All right.
You look adorable.
[CHUCKLING.]
- You look like the princess of safety.
- Ha-ha.
Look, I'm so sorry for roping you into this.
Oh, don't be.
It reminds me of when I used to mess about in the garage with my brothers.
We used to build all sorts of things.
Splints, crutches, peg legs.
Still, you're sweet to help Dad.
I don't think I could take his bossiness.
- Oh, he's not so bad.
- Hmm.
Could you hand me a rag? Uh, sure.
Any interest in sneaking off to your room while the foreman's away? That sounds lovely.
But first I have to get these pads on.
- Can you press on this for a moment? - Yeah, no problem.
Maybe later we'll try out my Wagner for Lovers CD.
- I need another rag.
- Oh, uh, coming up.
Can you grab me some sandpaper too? Oh, uh, yeah, sure.
Of course.
Don't press too tight, or the pad will slide.
- Here, careful.
Even pressure, like this.
- Yeah, that's what I'm doing.
Yeah? Well, then, why is glue squirting out? - I need the rag.
- Oh, okay.
I never said I was good at carpentry.
Carpentry? This is gluing felt.
Ha.
Can you hand me the square? No, no, no.
That one.
Why is the pad hanging off the side? Well, I think that it slipped when I was handing you the rags and the sandpaper and the square, and by the way, you're welcome.
By the way, still waiting for that sandpaper.
Okay, let's stop.
Ahem.
[SIGHS.]
This is as bad as working with Dad.
Look, Niles, I didn't mean to hurt your feelings.
I'm just trying to get this done and get it done well.
Okay? Okay.
I love you.
I love you too.
And yet I'm still waiting for that sandpaper.
You know, this layout doesn't allow us to do any call screening.
But I guess you can still just check the sound levels.
Oh, boy, the sound levels? "Dear Diary, after years and years of wishing" Yes, all right, Roz.
- Hey, doc, everything all right here? - Yeah, it's fine.
Guess who gets to check the sound levels.
Roz, I said, all right.
I wanted to make sure you're relaxed, ready, and haven't read today's paper.
FRASIER: I read it.
Everything from the salute to Sully to the cartoon of me and Satan doing a jig on Sully's coffin.
About that.
It might be a good idea to steer clear of any on-air references to Sully.
On the contrary, I intend to confront this situation head-on.
I intend to reach out to the listeners, ease their suffering, and demonstrate what we do best.
Now, that's the kind of attitude this station needs.
Of course, if your ratings are low, I still have to fire you.
[LAUGHS.]
What a crazy business, huh? Ha-ha-ha.
Ten seconds.
- Knock them dead.
- Right.
[WHISPERS.]
Good luck.
Hello and welcome.
From Seattle to Spokane, this is the Frasier Crane Radio Network.
We are broadcasting today from the Lilac City, where we have just replaced a beloved local icon, Neal Sullivan.
Now, Sully did a lot for this city, and in my own way, I hope to make the same kind of contribution that he did.
With that in mind, let's go to the phones.
Go ahead, caller, I'm listening.
MAN [OVER RADIO.]
: Go back to Seattle.
[DIAL TONE.]
How was the level on that? Now, now, people, I understand how you might be angry.
There's nothing wrong with venting, but please stay on the line long enough for me to respond.
Go ahead, I'm listening.
WOMAN [OVER RADIO.]
: Hey, I'm letting all the Sully fans know we're boycotting KQZ Y until he comes back.
Sully rules.
Now, people, please.
We need to talk.
We need to move forward.
Otherwise, we're just gonna be going around and around like the horses on the Looff.
Ha-ha-ha.
[DIAL TONE.]
All right, well, you know, perhaps our callers from Seattle could help show the new folks how it's done.
I'm afraid we don't have any calls from Seattle.
This is strange.
Um Perhaps this would be a good time to go to a commercial here on the Frasier Crane Radio Network.
Hey, hey, you're doing great.
I am not.
They hate me.
Okay, uh, since we're being straight, um, Herm doesn't think it's going very well.
Yes, well, where's my support? Where are the callers from Seattle? Seattle isn't getting the signal.
Something's obviously screwed up at KACL.
Oh, it's not KACL.
It's that transmitter you bought off the Ukrainian Internet.
Hey, 20 minutes ago, you were impressed with that Ukrainian Internet.
I'm sure the people of Spokane would get onboard if they could get some understanding of what we actually do.
We could use an example.
Like a sample call.
- Are you asking me to call in? - Roz, please? Tell you what.
Make up something.
Anything.
Okay.
Five seconds.
Hello, and welcome back to the Frasier Crane Show.
We are broadcasting today from KQZY in beautiful Spokane.
Let's go to the phones.
Hello, caller.
I'm listening.
Hi, Dr.
Crane.
My name is Roberta, and, um, I'm afraid of the dark.
What is it about the dark that frightens you? Um I don't really know.
I see.
All right, well, uh, let's explore.
Often, a fear of darkness is a fear of the unknown.
It is in darkness when our imaginations give shape to our deepest anxieties.
What image comes to mind for you? Nothing, actually.
Nothing? Yeah.
When everything disappears, there's nothing.
Just emptiness.
I see.
And what is it about the emptiness that frightens you? It's lonely, for one thing.
Have you always felt this way? For a while, I didn't.
What was different then? I had somebody.
A guy I really liked.
And then we broke up.
[SOBBING.]
God, Frasier, I miss him so much.
I don't know how I fell in love again.
I mean, I swore I wouldn't.
I knew better.
I should have known better.
And then, sure enough, six months in, he tells me there's no fireworks.
And what am I supposed to say? I'm so sorry.
But listen to me.
You can't blame yourself for letting someone into your heart.
Love is always a risk.
But you have to take it.
The pain you're feeling now will pass in time, and you'll find yourself ready to take that risk again.
Until then, take comfort in your friends.
They want to help you.
They love you.
Yeah, thanks.
You're welcome.
[ROZ SOBBING.]
ROZ: Oh, my God.
FRASIER: Right.
Okay, Spokane, uh, let's hear what you have to say, uh Ahem.
Go ahead, caller, I'm listening.
WOMAN [OVER RADIO.]
: Hi, Dr.
Crane.
I was going to say you suck.
But while the phone was ringing, I heard that last caller.
I just want to tell her to hang in there.
That's very kind of you.
Go ahead, caller, I'm listening.
MAN [OVER RADIO.]
: Hi.
My name's Carl.
Hello, Carl.
I'm kind of going through the same thing as that Roberta woman.
Really? Well, perhaps you could share your experience with us, and possibly help Roberta and some of our other listeners.
Well, it's hard to talk about.
Uh She hasn't technically dumped me yet, but I'm pretty sure it's coming.
I don't know if I should bring it up first or just avoid the whole subject and hope things get better.
I mean Well, Carl, uh, these problems rarely resolve themselves.
I realise that an honest conversation at this point may be a little daunting I'm finished.
It turned out great.
I'm sorry I yelled at you.
You were a big help.
I couldn't have done it without you.
- You mean it? - Absolutely.
Come and take a look.
Oh, that is sharp.
Niles, come look at the table.
I like the footpads.