Frasier s09e23 Episode Script

NILES: Ah.
FRASIER: Yay! - Did you make a wish, sweetheart? - Of course she did.
She wished her father still loved his children enough to call his only daughter on her birthday.
Or his wife.
Oh, but that's a man for you.
Once he's planted his seed and you've borne his spawn, he moves on to spread his filth elsewhere.
Sounds like a toast to me.
- I'll get the champagne.
- I'll just have a beer.
Oh, I'm not sure we should introduce alcohol into the situation.
Well, Daphne, why don't you open your presents, huh? - Oh, that's a good idea.
- Here, here.
Mine and Dad's first.
Heh, heh.
[NILES CLEARS THROAT.]
Happy birthday, Daphne.
Oh, it's a journal.
Oh, it's lovely.
Thank you.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
You don't need to say that for my benefit.
I wanted to get you one of those robot dogs.
You know, something you could really use.
- Hey, Niles.
NILES: Hey, Roz.
FRASIER: Oh, hi, Roz.
- Thank you.
Sorry I'm late.
Oh, no, not at all.
Uh, Daphne's just opening her gifts.
Oh, here's mine.
Roz, you didn't have to get me anything.
Don't be silly.
Happy birthday.
- Ooh.
- FRASIER: Oh.
MARTIN: Wow.
We love it.
Yes, Roger loved black lace, but he didn't get to see me in it.
Black lace, I mean.
I bought this one for you.
New.
- Thank you, Roz.
- Some man break your heart, did he? - Oh, yeah, but I'll be okay.
- Sure you will.
Until you realise he was the love of your life, and he's gone for good.
Then not a night will pass when you don't beg the good Lord to take you in your sleep.
We all have those thoughts.
Niles, can I see you in the kitchen, please? Yeah.
- What's this? - Ha.
That's what I said.
- I can tell you what it isn't.
- Dad, would you let it go? I know she's difficult, but we need to be sensitive with Mom right now.
Difficult? I yearn for the days of difficult.
Difficult was a picnic.
I keep a picture of difficult in a heart-shaped frame next to my bed.
- Difficult was a - All right, Niles, I know.
But it's harder for her now.
I think she's finally realising that Dad's not coming back.
And I guess I am too.
I'm sorry.
I will be more patient with her.
Thank you, Niles.
- And if you do it right, he'll bleed from the inside and no one will know it was you.
Oh, Daphne, I think there's still an unopened gift here for you.
I think there's an unopened gift for me in the fridge.
Try and stop me.
Daphne.
Happy birthday, darling.
Oh, Niles, it's a trip.
This weekend, you and I are jetting off to Hawaii for a five-star Polynesian retreat.
Oh, how exciting.
Oh, thank you.
The first day, we're being taken by Outrigger to an exclusive island for a private luau.
Roger and I were supposed to go back to Wisconsin this weekend for my family reunion.
Oh, that's lovely.
Then the second day, we're going to take a cruise to Molokai.
ROZ: Of course, you can't go to Wisconsin without taking a couple of cheese tours.
[NILES CHUCKLES.]
- Well, you sure can't.
FRASIER: No.
And then when we're in Molokai we're going to go snorkelling - with the sea turtles.
- And then the Dells.
I mean, Roger really wanted to ride one of those big duck boats.
I've heard enough.
All these lovey-dovey stories about travelling and romance.
And you with your birthday.
Can't you all see that I'm hurting? I can't hide it anymore.
What are you doing? I wanna change my wish.
ROZ: I started the dishwasher.
FRASIER: Thanks, Roz.
I'll see you tomorrow.
Do you want me to run the vacuum cleaner? No, thanks.
I can do it in the morning.
Are you sure? I mean, it would just take a second.
- You don't wanna go home, do you? - Not really.
Alice is in Wisconsin with her grandmother, and it's just hard to face an empty house.
Well, I'll tell you what, Roz.
Why don't you sit down and we'll shoot the breeze for a while.
Thanks.
And when I think about this trip to Wisconsin, I just dread going without Roger.
My family thinks I'm a total loser as it is.
Now I'm just gonna prove them right.
"Roz is a failure at love.
Roz can't find a man.
" - They don't really say that, do they? - Oh, you haven't met my perfect sister, Denise.
I mean, I love her and everything, but she's a total bitch.
Hey, you know, l I could go with you.
Hmm? - What? - Sure.
For moral support.
Oh.
Frasier, is that how you wanna spend your vacation? I don't know.
It just might be the perfect time for me to see a giant duck and a lot of cheese.
Thank you, Frasier.
You wanna watch some TV? Maybe we can find a good movie.
Yeah.
Yeah, ever since this whole Roger thing happened, you've really come through for me.
It means a lot.
Why can't more men be like you? I mean, you are exactly what women are looking for.
Yeah, the women I date don't seem to know that.
Some women don't know what's good for them.
Terrific.
I'm the broccoli of dating.
FRASIER: Morning.
- Morning! - Can I get you some coffee? ROZ: I would love to stay, but no.
I really gotta run.
I got the tile guy coming.
Right.
- So this is a little strange, huh? ROZ: Yeah, it is.
But good strange.
Yeah.
[ROZ SIGHS.]
You know.
Tile guy.
Right.
Uh, y I'll get up.
No.
Okay.
I really have to go.
I'll see you at work.
- Roz, are you okay? - Everything's super.
- Maybe we should talk about this.
- And we will.
Just not right now because I'm really late.
You know, I mean, for the tile guy.
Let me walk you out.
Oh, Roz, uh, maybe we could have dinner later? Okay.
And we can talk then.
I mean, not that I really need to talk, because I'm fine.
- Unless you're not fine.
- No, no, I'm fine.
- A little strange though, huh? - Yeah.
But good strange.
MARTIN: Eddie, just because I dropped something doesn't make it yours.
God, what have I done? What have I done? What have I done? - Morning, Fras.
- Morning, Dad.
- See the paper yet? - Uh, no, I haven't.
Big story about how Roz's purse spent the night on the coffee table.
- It's not what it looks like.
- I know that.
Oh, what do you mean? Shows what you know.
It's exactly what it looks like.
Ah! I knew that.
Well, anyway, it's none of your business so I'm not discussing it with you.
Oh, Dad, I've done a terrible thing.
Oh, jeez, what happened? And don't tell me too much.
Oh, l I don't even know how I let this happen.
She was lonely.
She probably thinks I took advantage of her.
I mean, that's why she ran out of here.
- Do you think I did? - Fras, you're both adults.
- Where's the harm? - Well, you can't be serious, Dad.
I mean, do you realise what this means? I have probably destroyed our friendship.
Do you know what she'll see every time she looks at me? - Your naked body.
- Oh, dear God.
I was gonna say somebody who has betrayed her trust, but, oh, dear God.
Frasier, don't get all worked up.
When are you supposed to see her next? - Uh, we're meeting for dinner tonight.
- So everything's normal.
You're gonna feel weird and stupid for a while, and then you'll have a big laugh about it and move on.
Yeah, you're probably right, huh? I mean, we're We're adults.
We can discuss this.
We're gonna be fine.
Well, we better be.
I told her I'd go to Wisconsin with her.
Wow, you really were lonely.
I want to go on this trip as much as you do.
But we can't leave Mom alone for a week right now.
She seems unbalanced.
Well Well, maybe she could stay here with Frasier and Dad.
Oh, oh! What are we talking about? It's Mom again.
She's been crying non-stop since we left here last night.
Sounds like a job for the prescription pad, Niles.
I can't even get Dad on the phone.
He doesn't even know I'm engaged.
I guess I can forget about him walking me down the aisle.
[PHONE RINGS.]
Hello.
Roz, hi.
Yeah, hang Hang on one second.
Daphne, I have the solution.
I want you to use those tickets and take your mother to Hawaii.
Are you out of your mind? No, no, we are gonna have a lifetime of romantic trips.
Now what's important is taking care of your mom.
- Like you said, she's fragile.
- Niles, that's very thoughtful, but I don't want to go to Hawaii with my mom.
- I want to go with you.
- Just hear me out.
[SIGHS.]
You really gonna let that old bat manipulate you out of a trip to Hawaii? - Dad, I have a plan.
- Niles, you're a sucker.
You know Mrs.
Moon's so-called knee injury? Well, last night I noticed her limping on the wrong leg.
I know.
She switches.
So how's Roz? - She's fleeing the city, thank you.
- Oh, come on.
She's going to Wisconsin without me.
She's leaving immediately.
I told you this was gonna happen.
- Our friendship is in ruins.
- Yeah.
What do you mean, "yeah"? Well, I kind of thought that might happen.
I was just trying to make you feel better.
Now, remember, when you arrive, a car will be waiting to take you to the Nani Emaka Hehila Ai House.
I don't know why we can't go somewhere where they speak English.
They do speak English in Hawaii, Mom.
How come you can fly to Hawaii, but you can't fly to England? How come you can drive your car, but you can't do your own laundry? Have a good trip.
Thanks again, Niles.
- I love you.
- I love you, too.
I wish I could walk you to the gate, but Yeah, well, we better hurry if we're gonna pass customs.
It's the same country, Mom.
- I'm gonna miss you so much.
- Dear God, I know.
Well, that's gonna be a good time.
I do feel a little guilty, but it's for a greater good.
- Where to, Niles? - Uh, Virgin Atlantic.
It's right there.
What's this? Are you going somewhere? England.
I'm gonna find Daphne's father and bring him back here if I have to check every pub in Manchester.
- You can't be serious.
- I can't do my own laundry because I can't carry the basket and my cane at the same time.
That's what I should have said.
Daphne wants to get her parents back together, and I'm gonna try to make that happen.
At the very least, he's gonna walk her down that aisle.
- It'll be the biggest surprise ever.
- It's a beautiful gesture, Niles.
MARTIN: Bye.
Why didn't you tell me he was going to England? Same reason I didn't tell him you were going to Wisconsin.
- Which way? - Oh, right.
Uh, it's Concourse B.
Think this is a smart plan, surprising Roz in front of her family? Well, what else would you suggest I do, Dad? I couldn't reach her.
Roz and I gotta talk before this turns into a permanent divide in our friendship.
Okay.
But you know what she's gonna see when she looks at you.
I know, my naked body.
I'll have you know there are worse All right, just stop there.
I've got enough horror shows in my head.
- Here we are.
- Thank you.
Oh, by the way, Dad, I got you a little something to keep you company while I'm away.
Oh, no way! - The robot dog.
- Yeah.
- Thanks, son.
- Sure.
Oh, good, you got the girl one so it won't fight with Eddie.
Dad, it's not a girl.
That's where the batteries go.
Hi.
Um, I'm looking for Roz Doyle.
Oh, well, she's out shopping with her cousin right now.
But come in.
I'm her sister, Denise.
- Oh, well, it's a pleasure to meet you.
- Oh, likewise.
All we've been hearing is Roger this, and Roger that, - but we've seen no Roger.
- Yes.
Well, l We were beginning to think that you didn't really exist.
- I'm afraid you've made a mistake.
- Well, obviously, we did, but you can't blame us.
It wouldn't be the first time that she's made up a boyfriend.
We've really been having a lot of fun with her.
Oh, honey, look, Roger is here.
- There really is one.
- Well, I'll be a son of a gun.
Good to know you.
Craig Dawson, MetLife.
Hi.
Roger Hammerstein.
DENISE: Oh.
Well, come on in and meet everyone.
- Oh, good, thank you.
- Roger, this is Aunt Pearl - and Curtis.
FRASIER: Hello.
- And Great Uncle Olaf.
FRASIER: Oh, hi.
Well, honey, it looks like you owe Roz an apology.
DENISE: Oh, no, she knows I was just teasing her.
I'm just relieved that she's finally found someone.
We just want her to have the kind of happiness that we found.
Well, you know, I intend to do everything in my power to give her just that.
I love Roz.
And I intend to prove it to her.
- That's why I've come.
- Oh, my God, what's going on? - Roz.
- Oh, Roger, can Craig fix you a drink? - Roger? - Yeah, sweetheart, hi.
I'd love that drink.
DENISE: Well, well, well.
Looks like you've really made an impression on Roger here, Roz.
ROZ: Yeah.
- How did you two meet again? Gosh, well, it's It's the cutest story.
Here, come on, honey, sit down.
Uh Uh, actually, um, it all started when Alice used to wave at me when I was driving my trash-collecting truck.
Oh.
Well, I guess Alice is sure gonna be happy to see you again.
Oh, well, you know, it's funny.
As well as, uh, Alice and I get along, she always mistakes me for Roz's boss.
- It's weird, isn't it? - Oh, yeah.
- Here we are.
- Oh, uh, thank you.
So, Roger, I hear you're a big golfer.
What do you shoot? Well, you know, actually, since I met Roz, um, I don't get much time for golf.
Well, don't get too used to that, Roz.
I've been a golf widow ever since I've been married.
It's like a disease with them.
Well, maybe with, uh, most men, but not with me.
I mean, my spare time is precious so I like to spend it with the people that I love.
Like Roz and Alice, and, who knows, maybe someday some more little ones.
DENISE: Aw.
Especially if they look like this here.
Oh, my God, I hated that picture.
Big ugly glasses and I guess I was trying to look like Dorothy Hamill.
We warned you not to get that haircut, but you insisted.
You know, if I'd met this girl in the fifth grade, I wouldn't have dated anybody else.
Gosh, can I get a copy of this for my desk at work? - You have a desk? - Dashboard.
Heh, heh.
You know.
Yeah, I looked in the "getting started" section.
Yeah, I did that.
Voice activation? Yeah, I did everything it said.
[BARKS.]
MARTIN: Huh? Appendix B? Well, where is Appendix B? I just want this damn thing to do some tricks.
Can't you make these things easier? You shouldn't have to be a rocket scientist to play with some stupid toy.
[EDDIE BARKS.]
Eddie, be quiet.
I'm on the phone.
So this one's getting tired, she wants to head back up the beach, when finally she sees the blanket surrounded by candles, and the food and the wine that I'd set up.
And don't forget the diamond bracelet you gave me.
CROWD: Aw.
I had no idea there was that kind of money in the garbage business.
You have no idea about a lot of things.
What's that supposed to mean? Well, why can't you be more like him and do something special for me once in a while? Why can't you be more like her and not be such a nag? That was the best half-hour I have ever spent with my family.
Thank you.
But what are you doing here? I just had to make sure we were okay.
- I told you we were okay.
- Yeah, I know.
Then you ran away.
I know.
I should have stayed and talked to you.
It's just, usually when I'm freaked out I turn to you.
And this time I just didn't feel like I could.
[SIGHS.]
- I'm so sorry.
- For what? For that.
For that evening.
That You were vulnerable and I feel like I took advantage of you.
Oh, Frasier, I'm a grownup.
And I make my own decisions.
I was just worried that Well, over the years we've almost gone to bed a couple of times, and we haven't because we were afraid it would damage our friendship.
- Now we've done it.
- Right.
I was just worried that things have changed between us.
That's what I came here to ask you.
I remember the last time I sat here, just like this.
My old high-school boyfriend sat right where you are and he told me he'd been accepted into college in Boston.
Hmm.
And I just stared at his shoelaces.
I was afraid I'd cry if I looked anywhere else, you know.
Anyway, we promised that we would always be friends.
And it was just the saddest thing in the world because I knew it wasn't true.
And this time? We will always be friends, Frasier.
Nothing's gonna ever change that.
I can't believe you travelled all this way.
Well, that's what people do when they care about someone.
[CHATTERING.]
[COUGHING.]
Excuse me.
Do you know a man named Harry Moon? And no, that is not the start of a limerick.
Mr.
Moon? Who's asking? My name is Niles Crane.
I'm planning to marry your daughter.
You look okay to me.
All right, you have my blessing.
Uh, thank you.
But, actually, I'm here to reunite you with your wife.
Oh, Mr.
Moon, Mr.
Moon.
Mr Mr Aah!