Bob's Burgers s10e01 Episode Script

1 LINDA: Okay, Gayle, stop screaming.
I promised the kids I'd take them to the water park today, but I'll come over tonight.
All right? - Bye.
- What's wrong with Gayle now? Other than everything? Oh, she got pink eye from letting her cat sleep on her face and she can't do her eye drops herself.
- So I have to go do 'em for her later.
- Sure.
Poor Gayle.
She's just so - (groans) - She really is.
I got pink eye on my foot once.
- Hmm.
- What's taking the kids so long? I want to get a prime spot in the adults-only tanning area.
Got to get my rich, deep-developed summer tan - in just one day.
- Do you mean you're just gonna get really burned? Aw.
Yeah.
The burn is just the sun's way of saying, "Hey, beautiful.
" Well, the goggles aren't in the dresser.
We have to find them.
If my gorgeous eyes get red, they'll cancel my modeling contract.
LOUISE: You know, while I'm under here, maybe I should just check in the super secret hiding place.
I mean, it's not even close to my birthday, but you never kno Oh, my gosh.
- What have we here? - Probably something secret and we should put it back and forget we ever saw it? Or we could go the other way with it.
GENE: Who could it be for? Well, it was in the super secret hiding place, so it's clearly for one of us.
I bet it's a small energy-efficient car for moi.
Maybe it's one really delicious grape? Well, whatever it is, we're about to find out.
Slowly, slowly.
- A ring? - (gasps) Gasp.
Dad's gonna propose.
Mom's gonna be so surprised.
Hold on.
Aren't they already married? I think so.
Wait, no.
They're brother and sister? Huh.
I wonder what this is for.
Well, I got to go round up my little sea creatures.
My little piranhas in pajamas.
- (door opens, bell jingles) - (whispering): Bob.
Bob.
Bob.
Wh-What, Teddy? Isn't tomorrow your anniversary? Yes, but why are you whispering? - There's no one else in here.
- (normal voice): Oh, right.
Well, I got a notification on my phone this morning that tomorrow was the big day.
9/3.
So I figured I'd remind you - so that you'd - Oh, wait, wait, wait.
You have my anniversary on your phone? Of course I do.
Got your size, food allergies, - birthstone.
- Uh, that's f-fine, I guess.
So, do you need some help throwing something together, - last-minute? - No.
Actually, I I-I started working on a song for you.
- To sing.
Linda - Teddy.
You're so pretty - It's a sin-da - Teddy, Teddy.
- Teddy.
I remembered.
- What? Okay? I I-I remembered our anniversary.
- You did? - Yes, and this year, not only did I remember, I actually got her a gift she's really gonna love.
I'm finally gonna give her an engagement ring.
Wow.
Wait, why? Are you doing, like, a Benjamin Button marriage? Where you get engaged at the end? No, no.
When I proposed, I didn't have a ring.
I just gave her a-a high five.
Uh, you know.
A romantic one.
But now I finally got her something she can actually wear.
It even has a diamond on it.
- (whistles) - Yeah.
Cost me $329.
- Which Yeah.
Which, um - Wow.
(groans) which I'm gonna pay off in $15 increments - over 24 months with interest.
- So where is it? Where is it? I-I want to see it.
- I want to see it.
- Teddy, Teddy.
Calm down.
Sorry, sorry.
I-I've got it all wrapped up and hidden away - in the super secret hi - In the super secret hiding spot? You also probably shouldn't know about that.
But, yes.
I-It's gonna be perfect.
I actually feel really good about myself for once.
So, should I not tell you you've got a weird booger in your nose? It's been wiggling around a lot while you talk.
- Oh.
No, no, no, no.
- Want me to just get it? -Just, uh, just a little.
Let me get it.
-No, I'll get it.
Let me get it.
Let me get it.
Let me get it.
- Let me get it.
Ow! - I got it.
Get Oh! Get away! Ow, ow, why? - Ring-a-ding-damn.
- My turn.
- What are you kids doing in here? - Oh.
Just talking about how great you are.
Aw, well, come on.
We got to go.
It's called Wetty, Set, Go, not Wetty, Set, Wait Around.
(laughs) - Take the ring off.
- I can't get it - off my finger.
- LINDA: Come on.
Come on, come on, come on.
Out, out, out, out, out.
Let's go, let's get wet.
(Gene grunting) - This mama jama is stuck.
- Wow, it's really on there.
I know.
I think it may have grafted to my skin.
We're just gonna have to cut the finger off.
No.
What about when I want to waggle my fingers - and say "toodle-oo"? - LINDA: What are you kids whispering about back there? - Oh, uh -Secrets.
- Boys we like.
Oh, fun.
We'll get it off when we get there.
Until then, everyone just act cool.
You got it.
(whistles, grunts) I'm okay.
Okay, guys.
Mommy's got to go get bronzed.
Meet me back here at closing time.
Wait, Mom, can we have the sunblock? Nerd alert.
I mean, so responsible.
- Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow! - (grunts) It's like someone put a tiny belt on a sausage.
- I love my finger curves.
- Let me try.
(grunting) - (grunting) - (agonized yelling) Harder! Pull harder.
(Tina and Gene yelling) Pull! - (yells) - (feeble grunt) Guys, I hate to say it, but we might have to ask - a grown-up for help.
- You shut your mouth.
Listen, we're already here and it's already stuck, and it's not like it's Christmas tomorrow, so let's just try to relax and enjoy ourselves and we'll get the ring off tonight.
And if not (blows raspberry) Gene's married to Dad.
- The end.
- Okay, well, what do we want to do first slides or tubes? TINA: Do we go crazy then lazy, or lazy then crazy? LOUISE: That's the age-old question.
I'm going lazy river.
There's nothing better than drifting along in a tube and peeing into a river.
It's the closest a man can get to being back in the womb.
A float could float my boat.
Sure.
But I want to be upstream from Gene's pee.
You can't escape it The lazy river is a flat circle.
Is it just me, or am I getting hit on a lot because people think I'm taken? Hey, Tina, Louise.
Boy Louise.
- What's shaking? - Nat the limo driver? As I live and breathe.
Oh, hi.
Cool swim shoes.
Oh, no, these are regular shoes.
They're just wet.
How have you been, Nat? Drive anyone interesting lately? You know a guy by the name Tom Cruise? - Yeah.
- Well, I drove a guy who had never heard of him to the airport this morning.
- Nice.
- Yeah, then I decided to head on over here for my daily lazy.
You come here every day? I know one of the ticket sellers.
We were next to each other in a human chain that saved a Chihuahua that had fallen into the half-pipe at a skate park.
So I come here on hot days during my lunch break And sometimes that break lasts Well, one time I fell asleep and woke up in the ocean.
Explain that.
- Your life is perfect.
- It is.
- It really is.
- All right, well, we're gonna go get some slide on our hides.
I'm gonna do a quick loop and check for Speedos, - then I'll meet you guys there.
- Actually, I think I'm gonna stay in the lazy river until my bones dissolve.
But come find me if you get ice cream or hot dogs.
The hot dogs are good here.
They put 'em right in the middle of the bun.
Ooh, ooh, ooh I'm gettin' tan right now I'm gonna burn real bad And then it's gonna get real brown, yeah.
SINGERS: Water park, water park, water park Ooh, water park Soakin' up the sun till I'm a leather couch mom Soakin' in the water till my bones dissolve Ooh Ooh, wet butts Ooh Water park, water park, water park Ooh, water park.
Oh, my God.
The ring.
It's gone.
LOUISE: Oh, no! It must have fallen off your finger in the water.
I knew swimming made my wiener get weird and small, but my fingers? I guess fingers are the wieners of the hand.
Well, your tiny wiener finger just got us in big trouble.
That burn looks pretty painful, Lin.
Oh, it is.
It's awful.
But once this settles into a tan, I'm gonna look like a leather couch.
But a young one.
A hot, young, leather couch.
W-Well, I hope your burn is better by tomorrow because (giggles) it's our anniversary, 9/3.
- (all gasp) - Oh, my God.
You're right.
- I forgot.
- But-but I remembered.
And I, uh (giggles) I I have something special for you.
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.
Is it tandem skydiving? Is it Cheese of the Month? No, no, wait, wait, wait.
Don't tell me.
Don't tell me.
U-Uh, let's just say you really make me shine - and you'll want to be a-round - (Tina groaning) - to get the gift.
- Ooh! - Oh, I know.
It's a a doughnut.
- (groaning continues) A bagel? Is it a bagel? No, it's a hat.
- Oh, my God.
Oh, God.
- A knife! A bagel.
No, no, no, no.
Don't tell me.
Don't tell me.
Don't tell me.
(groaning continues) - What's wrong, Tina? - Oh, nothing.
- She's fine, she's fine.
- Oh, she s-sounds fine.
Tina, do you have diarrhea? Do you need me and Gene to come help you with it in the bathroom? - Uh-huh.
- Mm-hmm.
Go help Tina with the diarrhea.
I'll get dessert.
Oh, God, the ring was supposed to be an anniversary present.
(groaning) BOB: Tina, you okay? LOUISE: She's fine.
GENE: Push.
Push.
And breathe.
And breathe.
- What are we gonna do? - Um, okay.
What can we do? We, uh, we put a different ring in the box and voilà.
We don't have another ring, Gene.
Okay, so, we, uh, we, we stage a burglary and in the struggle we stab Dad.
But just a little, and Mom is so glad he's alive that she forgets all about the anniversary.
I mean, I love that, but maybe for some other time.
Christmas.
Are the kids still helping Tina with her diarrhea? Yeah, it's kind of gross but sweet? Kids, I got to go do Aunt Gayle's eye drops for her - 'cause she's Aunt Gayle.
- LOUISE: Okay, bye, Mom.
Tina, good luck with your diarrhea, honey.
- Lots of rice.
- TINA: Thank you.
Bye, bye, bye.
Stay out of my room.
Should we go ask if they found the ring at the water park? They're closed, Tina.
There's no one there to ask.
Oh, what about that pink adult lady we were hanging out with? The one from the lazy river? - Nat.
- Yeah, she said her friend works there.
Maybe they can let us in to look for the ring.
We have to save Mom and Dad's marriage, so Dad won't end up as a single skank.
Nat, it's Louise.
- Bunny ears.
How's it blowing? - Not good, Nat.
- Not good.
- Uh-oh.
Lay it on me.
Today at the water park, Gene had a ring stuck on his finger that we didn't know was our dad's anniversary gift to our mom.
Oh, boy.
So you guys were poking around for presents in your parents' room, huh? Found a ring, put it on, got it stuck, - then lost it in the water? - Yep.
So you need to get in there tonight for search and rescue.
- Am I reading you right? - Loud and clear, Nat.
Okay, I'll call my water park buddy to come open 'er up, and I've got a bunch of snorkel masks and underwater flashlights from when I lived in a lake for a while.
- I'll be out front in 15.
- Thanks, Nat.
Wait, better make it an hour.
We got to pretend to go to bed.
Copy that.
I'll pretend to go to bed, too.
LINDA: Okay, okay.
So just lean your head back and I'll kind of stand up here.
And you just keep your eyes open, okay? - Okay.
- Here we go.
- (screams) - Oh! Oh, oh, whoa.
- Gayle, hon, come on.
- Sorry, sorry, sorry.
Sorry.
- Let's just do it.
Come on.
- Okay, okay.
Sorry.
I'm ready.
No! No! No.
- No, no, no, no, no, no, no - Gayle, you got to let me do this.
- You asked me to do this.
- No, no, no, no, no.
- I'm trying.
I'm trying.
- Lay down.
(shushes) - I'm laying.
- Calm, calm.
- Okay, okay, I'm fine.
- Okay, here they come.
- Just a tiny little drop.
- (Gayle screams) (both screaming) - I'll kill you! I'll kill you! - (yells) Get off of me! - Ow, you're hurting me.
- Let's see how you like it.
Get off me, you're wasting the drops.
(sputters) Oh, it's in my mouth.
Oh, God, it tastes like spoons.
Where's the ring? (laughs nervously) I believe it's, "You rang?" Do you guys want to explain this? - Not really.
- No.
Dad, I know it looks bad, but the good news is we know where we lost it and we're going to find it there now.
Okay, where is it? Wait, why are you guys in swimsu Oh, my God, is it at the water park? - I mean, in a way.
- (car horn honking) Oh, good, our ride is here.
So, Dad, we'll see you later, and we'll have that ring for sure.
Oh, okay, you guys just go out into the night with a total stranger and I'll stay here.
- Great.
- I'm joking.
I'm coming with you.
And I-I've never been this angry.
You're all grounded for the rest of your lives.
Oh, what a fun family outing.
And none of you are allowed to talk to me, tonight or maybe ever again, and you're not my children anymore, and you're not allowed to come to my funeral.
Hey, Dad, I just want No.
No, no.
No, no.
I'm still mad.
We can't talk to you yet? - No.
- I'm sorry, Dad.
- Not now, Gene.
- How about now? - Nope.
- You know, Mr.
B, I have good luck finding things.
I lost a candy bar at Lollapalooza and found it three days later, and there was even some left.
(sighs) So what's the plan again? We-we sneak into the water park Not sneak My friend is letting us in.
Should we maybe wait until it's light out? Robert, the second there's daylight, someone is gonna find that ring, and they're not gonna turn it in.
They're gonna put it in their dirty little pocket.
It's not an honesty park, it's a water park.
(sighs) This is a disaster.
You know what might lighten the mood in here, Mr.
B? - Do you like classical music? - Yes.
(a cappella): Duh-dah, dah-dah, dadadadada Dah-dah, dah, dah, dah-dah - BOB: Okay, great.
Thank you.
- Dadadadada.
- All right, here we are.
- Let me just grab my gear.
- Hey, Josie.
- Hey, Nat.
- Everyone, this is Josie.
- Thank you for letting us in.
We're so sorry to inconvenience you.
I already checked the lost and found and Gary's drawer, where he puts the good lost stuff.
There's nothing.
Okay, well, I guess let's go in and look for a very small ring - in a big, dark water park.
- TINA: Move over, Nemo.
There's a new thing lost in water.
Oh great, they're here.
My ace in the hole.
The Puff Divers, an all-female group of scuba and cannabis enthusiasts I used to belong to before I got sober.
I miss everything about it, but I got to get up tomorrow morning for the rest of my life.
Hey, gals.
Tracey, looking good.
Simone, 'sup? Janet, love the new wetsuit.
Leslie, I still have your Tupperware.
Sorry about that.
Carol, still mad at you.
Denise, also 'sup? This is Wow.
Um, thanks.
Wh-Why are you doing all this? Ah, I'm a big fan of Linda's, Bob, and your kids aren't so bad either.
Mm, they're actually really bad, but thank you.
Now buckle up, Buttercup.
Let's go save your anniversary.
(whoops) Got to get that ring Gotta get it, gotta get it, gotta get it, gotta get it Gotta get those eye drops in, let's do it Do it, do it, do it to it Got to find that thing Gotta get the scuba crew into it You just gotta do it, do it, do it There's really nothin' to it, do it, do it Scuba, scuba, scuba, scuba to it Shoo-Ba, shoo-Ba, shoo-Ba - (sighs) - (phone ringing) Shoo-Ba, shoo-Ba, shoo-Ba, shooba-shoo it.
Linda, hi, hi, hi.
Uh, everything's fine, the-the kids are asleep.
Are you home? I mean, I-I-I don't see you.
But I-I'm home.
No, I'm still at Gayle's, but I got your message saying to call you when I was heading home, so I'm calling you.
Gayle won't let me do her eye drops, so I guess her eyes'll just get pinker and pinker until she dies! Dead.
Dead with pink eyes.
BOB: No, uh, Lin, Uh, uh, y Look, you can't give up now.
- I can't? - No.
Gayle needs you.
And I know that you can do this because you can do anything.
I can't French braid or whistle.
Well, no one can do those things.
Look, if you give up now, you'll-you'll hate yourself forever.
Eh, I don't know if I will, act You will! You totally will! You got to stay.
You got to see this through.
Don't come home yet, okay? Because I believe in you! But take your time, no rush.
And, uh, and call me before you leave.
The kids are asleep.
Everything's great.
Love you.
Bye! Okay, okay, I'll try one more time.
Hello? Hello? Oh, he hung up.
I'm coming out.
(sighs) Where do you keep your wine? Where's your wine, hon? - I don't have any.
- What? Beer? - No.
- How do you relax? - I don't.
- Right, right, of course not.
Well, how about this? Why don't we just go to the grocery store and we can get some wine to calm you down.
Then, when we get back, maybe you'll let me do it.
Okay, but I'm keeping the shower curtain on.
- Okay, fine, but I think you should put pants on.
- No.
You're not wearing any underwear.
So what? I got nothing, and I'm cold.
Same here.
I feel kind of warm.
- Oh, no, Gene? - Yup.
Enjoy it, sister.
Get back under the water, sea otters.
Come on, come on, be there.
(grunts) My-my arm is stuck! Oh, my God.
NAT: Hang on, Mr.
B.
Here we go.
Pull! - Aah! - Pull! - Whoo! There you go, big guy.
- Thank you.
Okay, back at it.
I'm thinking I'll start searching every bush, grate, nook, and cranny in case Gene lost it on his way to the car or something.
Come on, ol' girl.
Hyah! No, wait, Nat, you-you and your friends have worked so hard to help me, and I really appreciate it, but this park is so big and the ring is so small, and, and I just got my arm stuck in a drain, and I-I think this is over.
I-I'm calling it.
I'll just underwhelm Linda this year like I do every year.
All right, buddy.
I'll go let the gals know.
Dad, no.
We can still find it.
No, Louise, I'm just gonna go underwater now, like people do in the movies when they're sad.
No, Dad, don't go underwater.
You live on land.
- You're a land dad.
- I just wanted to feel beautiful.
I never should have put it on.
I'm sorry, Dad.
Do you want us to go live somewhere else? We could go to an orphanage for a while.
NAT: Hey, guys! We got something in a drain over here.
I think we got it! LINDA: Okay, let's see, what do we want? Red or white? Ooh, or pink to match your eye.
Little rosé? Ah, I don't know.
I can't really see through this thing.
Gayle, I didn't bring the eye drops into the store, so you can take the shower curtain off.
But I don't have any makeup on.
What if there are hot guys here? Good point, but what if they're the kind of hot guys who are afraid of shower curtains? Okay, I'll take it off.
Oh, and take off your glasses, too.
Let 'em really see you, that beautiful face.
- Okay.
- Oh, weird, look at that.
Someone must've let go of a balloon - and it floated to the ceiling.
- Huh? (screaming) Help! Murder! Murder! LINDA (whispering): Bob.
Bob, wake up.
I need you to hold Gayle's arms down so I can get this over with, or else I'm gonna kill her.
Bob? Wha? Huh.
Hello? Well, where the hell are they? Linda, have you been lying to me about being married and having kids? I know I've said this the last 14 times, but I think we're gonna get it on this try.
KIDS: Oh, please, oh, please, oh, please, oh, please, oh, please, oh, please I got it! Oh, no.
- TINA: It's a key chain.
- GENE: That says "Ooh La La" and that I want.
Sorry, Robert.
What the hell is going on here? - Who's that? - Hey boss.
I'm Eddie Wetty, young man, owner of Wetty, Set, Go.
Uh, oh, uh, - i-it's-it's an honor, your-your h-highness.
- Eddie.
- Eddie.
- I wasn't Wetty for this! Josie, you want to explain why there are a bunch of kids and a marijuana bus and a man in his underwear here in the middle of the night? Well, uh, you see, uh, Eddie, uh, Mr.
Wetty, I, uh No, Josie, i-it's my fault, sir.
I-I bought my wife an engagement ring for our anniversary What? That makes no sense.
I know.
I-It's a it's a long story.
My kids unwrapped the gift box it was in and put it on for some reason and then they lost it, here, today.
But my wife, she deserves something nice, for once.
I was never able to buy her a real engagement ring.
I meant to, but we run a small restaurant, and-and we're poor and gross.
I mean, she's great.
- I-I'm gross.
- I'm the fun one.
Gene.
(sighs) So all these nice people came out here to help me to look for the ring.
I just I hope you won't get Josie in trouble.
She was just trying to help.
- Well - Hold on, Mr.
Wetness.
- Mom? - Linda? - And me.
- And Gayle.
- Linda! - Nat, hi! Wh-What are you doing here? Well, I went home so I could have you help me hold Gayle down, and no one was there, so I read Tina's diary and here I am.
So you just heard all that, about-about the ring? Yes.
I also read about it in the diary.
It was so detailed and up to date.
- Thank you.
- (sighs) Lin, I'm sorry.
Another anniversary got messed up, and you deserve to have a good one, one time in your life.
You don't need to give me a big old ring to prove you love me.
- Well, it wasn't big.
- Well, I don't need it.
I didn't need one then, and I don't need one now.
Our love isn't in a big giant ring, you dummy.
It was very small.
Our love is in everything we've built together, after you begged me to settle for you.
Mwah! Another marriage saved by ol' Nat King Cole.
W-Wait, your name is Nat King Cole? Yeah, Nat Kinkle.
K-I-N-K-L-E.
How are you hearing it? Oh, never mind.
Just-just-just like that.
Now, come on, let's all go home and hold Gayle down so she can stop having poop eyes.
Never! Aw, what the heck? Come on, everyone.
Josie, fire up the slides! We're celebrating this fine couple's anniversary.
You got it, boss.
Aren't we all gonna get pink eye? Never mind.
- I love you, Bob.
- I love you, too, Lin.
Hey! We're in a ring right now! Ha! NAT: Mona Linda Mona Linda, that's your name-o Like the lady in the art museum in France - All right! - You make burgers And you love porcelain babies And you would surely catch Tom Selleck's glance Maybe someday.
Do you smile 'cause you've got secrets, Mona Linda? And is your secret that you did a fart? - Maybe.
- You love showers You love mornings and bologna And to Bob you'll always be a work of art.
Aw, my Bobby baby.
LOUISE: Mom, can we have the sunblock? LINDA: Nerd alert.