Frasier s10e01 Episode Script

F R A S I E R (10x01) - The Ring Cycle - I, Daphne Moon, do take thee, Niles Crane, as my husband.
I promise you my fidelity and my support, my laughter and my tears, my constant friendship and my unending love as long as we both shall live.
I, Niles Crane, do take thee, Daphne Moon, as my wife.
I vow to you my fidelity and my support, my honor and my respect, my honesty and my protection.
You are my comfort, my joy, and my one true love.
I will cherish you all the days of my life and treasure the journey that has brought us to this most wonderful perfect place.
For most folks that's one too many free cocktails, am I right? Seriously, do you have the rings? Oh, no.
In my rush to get here, I completely forgot about them.
- Does this mean we can't get married? - It would if we didn't offer seven different wedding band packages for you to choose from.
Now, depending on your budget, we can offer you anything from: the "B-Steel My Heart", that's genuine stainless right there, to the "Never Ending Love", which can be returned for up to 90 days, no questions asked.
They do seem the nicest.
Oh, damn, who could be calling at this hour? Wow, you certainly don't see six and a half karat gold every day.
- Hello? - Daphne, it's Roz.
.
Quick, turn on your TV.
My building's on the news.
- What? - Some murder/suicide thing I'm gonna wave to you from my balcony.
- Darn, I'm not home.
- Where are you? -You're not going to believe this but Niles and I flew to Reno and we're getting married right now! - You are not! - I am so! Apparently it's some sort of dolphin emergency.
I should go.
I'll tell you everything when we get back.
Okay, bye.
Sorry.
You may exchange rings as a symbol of the promises you've made here today.
By the power vested in me by the state of Nevada, county of Washoe, and the all-new Lucky 7 Resort and Casino, I now pronounce you Husband and Wife.
Good luck! Hey, don't forget to check out our topless buffet.
- He never said, "You may kiss the bride.
" - You may kiss the bride.
BLAME IT ON RENO Chop, chop, Dad! Let's get a move on! The last time I was late for the farmer's market, I got the worst of the squash blossoms.
- Oh, whatever shall we serve the Duchess? - What?! I said "I'm coming.
" And it's not my fault I'm late, it's Daphne's.
- I don't know where she is, I had to make my own lunch.
- Oh, dear lord, give it here.
Two bags of chips, three puddin' cups, - and a root beer.
- What's wrong with that? A, this is not a lunch, and B, I fail to see how it took you so long since you did not make anything, but simply transferred smaller containers into a larger one.
Let's go! - Oh, hello all.
- Hi.
- Where have you been? I had to make my own lunch.
- Oh - We've got some big news.
- Yes, um, maybe they should sit down.
- What's going on? - Well last night, I told Niles that I wanted to marry him right then and there.
And once I realized she was serious, we rushed out into the night, fully intending to.
But then we found out that in Washington, it takes three days to get a marriage license.
- Well, thank goodness! - Why? - Why?! If we had missed your wedding, well it would have just killed me.
It would've? Well of course it would! Niles, we've been there through the last ten tortured years of your courtship.
How could we not be hurt if we missed the wedding? But surely you could understand if, if someone were carried away by their emotions Well, I'm just glad it turned out the way that it did, because it would've just broken my heart.
Well, we didn't come here to break anyone's heart.
We came here to tell you that there's a wedding in three days! Isn't that big news? Yes, we're going to have a simple ceremony at the courthouse.
That is just wonderful! And you know what? By way of a celebration, please allow me to treat us all to dinner at Couer du Singe.
- How does that sound, eh? - That sounds wonderful.
- Hey, Martin.
- Hey, how ya doin'? - You want to go to the dog park? Oh, my God! You guys are here! Well, I'm here too.
- Um, we were just talking about our wedding.
- Oh, good, I want to hear all about it.
We're going to have a small civil ceremony on Friday.
Huh? - Yes, if you'll excuse me, I'm in a rush to get to the farmer's market.
- At this hour? I hope you like listless radicchio.
Okay, what the hell? I thought you guys got married in Reno.
We did.
But as we were trying to tell Mr.
Crane and Dr.
Crane, they told us how hurt they'd be if we got married without them.
Yes, which, in the moment, failed to occur to us.
So, to spare their feelings, we're having a fake wedding on Friday.
Well, that works for me, because Alice is still counting on being a flower girl.
- Of course.
- Great.
So if you guys have two weddings, when's your anniversary going to be? Well, to keep up appearances, I suppose it'll have to be the second one, won't it? Well, we could celebrate two anniversaries.
A public one and then a second, secret one just for us.
Oh, I like that.
Sort of sexy having an anniversary only two of us know about.
Three of us.
- I still can't believe we're married.
- It's our one-day anniversary.
And we're the only ones who know.
You know, we should celebrate.
- How about going to the dog park? - Well, that doesn't sound very romantic.
I'm not talking to you.
- Nervous? - Less than last time.
- I guess it helps to have had a rehearsal.
- It wasn't a rehearsal, it was the real thing.
This is just a touring company performance.
Right.
It's a bloody miracle we're here in one piece what with the way you drive.
I'm better at it when someone's not screaming in my ear.
Well, in my day people didn't drive so recklessly.
Do you know why? Is it because you rode dinosaurs? You should talk to your daughter.
When we get home, you're getting ice cream.
- We're all here, your honor.
- Why did we all have to be here just to pick up a bloody license? Couldn't we have met at the church? - Mum, we're not going to the church, we're getting married here.
- You're what? - We're having a civil ceremony.
- Without a minister? Out of the question.
- Mum - That's enough, Daphne.
I am your mother, and I will not bear witness to a Godless union.
Gertrude, I was in favor of a church wedding too, but this is their day, not ours.
Maybe we should just let them decide how it's gonna be.
If people got to decide things for themselves, no one would go to church! - If I may - I'll handle this, Your Honor.
Mrs.
Moon, you have my personal guarantee, that this will not be a Godless union.
For if you truly believe in the omniscience and omnipresence of the Lord, then surely are we not always in His presence? No, He lives at the church.
All I'm asking is that you honor the wishes of an old woman, whose every child has been married by a minister, or at least a prison chaplain.
Perhaps, given the depth of feeling here, it would be best to wait.
- Yes, well, I suppose we could find a church in reasonably short order.
- I don't believe this.
If you're not going to get married now, perhaps you could all take this out into the hall? - I have a schedule to keep.
- Roz, take me home.
We'll call you when we've cleared this all up.
- Okay, let's go, Alice.
- Congratulations.
When you're prepared to have a proper wedding, you know where to find me.
That we do! On your fiery throne presiding over the damned! All right, let's let's go.
Hey, maybe the judge knows somebody.
Hang on a second here.
Your honor I'm sorry, Daphne.
But it'll just be a few days, and then we can be married.
We already are.
This is supposed to be the happiest time of my life.
I want to wear my wedding ring.
I'm Mrs.
Niles Crane, and I don't want to keep it a secret.
- You just want to tell them the truth? - Too complicated.
Let's just get married again.
- The wedding's on.
- What? What about Mrs.
Moon? I'm sorry she'll miss it, but that's her choice.
Your honor, we've changed our minds.
- We want to be married.
- All right, but we have to be quick about this.
- Are we ready to begin? - Yes! - Okay, let's do it.
- Daphne, please repeat after me.
- Actually, we've written our own vows.
Of course you have.
I, Daphne Moon, do take thee, Niles Crane, as my husband.
I promise you my fidelity and my support, my laughter and my tears Frasier, you said you wouldn't do this! I say a lot of things.
- Oh, Frasier, thank you so much for dinner! - Yes, it was wonderful.
It was my pleasure.
Dad, don't you have something to add? I already said thank you for dinner.
What am I supposed to do, get down on my knees and kowtow to your fancy-ass American Express card? No.
- I was referring to the gift we have for them.
- Oh! Right, I forgot about that.
Yeah, and thanks for dinner, Fraizh, it really was excellent.
I didn't think I'd like beef cheeks Yes, yes! Dad, give them the gift.
This is so exciting, our first wedding present.
- It's a silver picture frame! - Beautiful.
And nota bene, it's been engraved with today's date, in order to commemorate your wedding date until your real gift arrives.
It's very sweet.
Thank you, Mr.
Crane and Dr.
Crane.
You can't call us that anymore, we're family now.
So we are.
Well, thank you Frasier.
Oh, that feels strange.
And thank you - Martin.
- Dad.
- Dad.
- Or Martin.
Whatever makes you feel comfortable.
Oh thank you, Mr.
Crane.
Don't mention it.
Well, I better go and figure out what to pack for the honeymoon.
I'm just bringing sunscreen.
Pardon me.
I have to go and poke out my mind's eye.
- Oh, you're lucky.
I always wanted to go to Bora Bora.
- Oh, it's going to be fantastic, Dad.
We're staying in a thatched hut built out over the water.
In the middle of the floor there's a window, where you can look straight down to the bottom of the ocean.
Well, I hope it's not too deep.
When we went to the top of the Space Needle, and you looked down, you got sick.
- Dad! - All over that poor Japanese tour group.
- Dad - And when I yelled down to warn them, they just looked up.
That was three years ago! - Mrs.
Moon.
- Did you find a minister yet? - I'm sorry, no.
Actually - Good, then I'm not too late.
- Too late for what? Oh, Daphne When I got home this afternoon, well, I was openin' a bottle of scotch to have with me tea, and I began thinking.
I was married by a minister in a church, and, and what's it got me? Alone and unloved is what.
And likely because I've been such a rotten mother to you all these years.
- You haven't been rotten.
- Oh, yes I have.
On what should have been the happiest day of your life, I thought of only myself.
I'm ashamed.
I mean I'm embarrassed, - and I apologize.
- Oh, mum.
My only solace is you aren't married yet.
Because if I miss my baby's wedding, I won't be able to live with myself.
Daphne, Niles you get married anywhere you want to.
All that matters is that I'm there to share it with you.
Oh, of course you'll be there.
We'll go right back to that courthouse tomorrow and resume where we left off.
Nothing could make me happier.
Ah, Mrs.
Moon, I see you've made peace with the wedding.
Yes, Mrs.
Moon has rescinded her ultimatum, so we're having the wedding tomorrow.
- Ah! Niles, may I have a word with you? - Mm-hm.
Excuse me.
What the hell's going on? You guys already got married.
Yes, but she doesn't know that.
So, tomorrow we're going to have another ceremony for her benefit.
- That's crazy! - It may be, but I'm afraid the truth would crush her.
Oh, please! All the wine presses in Bordeaux wouldn't crush that woman.
- Niles, what you and Daphne shared today was utterly unique.
- You think so? Yes, it was a singular moment.
Anyone fooled by a repeat performance, would have to be a complete imbecile.
True.
But, if it's what Daphne wants, I'll support her.
We'll get Roz back, we'll find a different judge and we'll just do it all over again.
And, it'll be just as perfect as today's was.
Fine.
But I'm not singing "Wonderful World" again.
Maybe more perfect.
Remember how excited we were at our first wedding? - Yeah, we were both shaking.
- Yeah.
Hey, I noticed the first time you promised me your honesty and protection, but not the second time.
No, because I vowed to always be true and to be your constant champion.
It's the same thing.
I suppose.
- You liked it better the first way.
Okay, we can go back to that.
- Thanks.
- You making any changes? - Nope, same old, same old.
- Where's Alice? - Oh, upset stomach.
On the way home yesterday, she snacked on the leftover petals in her basket.
So, I'm sorry, - but I won't be able to join you for dinner.
- We understand.
Explain it to me then.
What sort of child eats roses? 'Tisn't normal.
- You could have stopped her, you know.
- Not the way she was noshing them up, I couldn't.
- Like a wood chipper she was.
- All right.
The incredible beaver baby.
We GET it! Oh, dear lord, is that Donny? Everybody, look at your shoes! - Wait a minute, Daph is that Daphne? - Donny? - Hey.
- What a surprise.
- Everybody.
Boy, I hope this isn't uncomfortable.
- No, no, not at all.
Say, is that a drinking fountain over there? - Sure looks like one.
- Well, Niles, Daphne, I'd like you to meet Bridgett, my fiancee.
- Hi.
- Hello.
- We just filed for a marriage license.
- Congratulations.
- That's great.
- Thank you.
I know that I was getting married the last time you ran into me, - but this time I found the real thing.
- Good, I'm glad.
Yeah.
You know, if you hadn't left me I never would have met my ex-wife, who introduced me to Bridgett, so, in a weird way, you played a big part in my eventual happiness.
- That's a very healthy perspective.
- I think so too.
So, what are you guys doing here? - Niles and I are getting married.
- Well, congratulations.
That is great.
Thank you.
Well, it's great.
It's nice seeing you and I hope you'll come to our wedding.
- Oh, same here.
- Really? You'd be okay with that? - Well, sure, why not?! - Of course, it's anybody's guess how long we could be waiting here.
You can come in now.
Who had one second? - Everyone, it's time.
- well, here we go then.
- Is this everybody? - Yes.
Let's get started.
We come here today to unite this man and this woman in marriage.
I understand Daphne and Niles have composed vows that are especially significant to them.
Niles.
Uh, I, Niles Crane take you, Daphne Moon, to be my wife.
I, I vow to you my, my fidelity and support, honor, respect, uh, honesty, protection, and support you are my comfort and joy, and oh, shoot, there's one more - One true love.
- One true love! That's right.
OK, you go.
"OK, you go"?! I, Daphne Moon, do I'm sorry, this is wrong.
I can't stand here and rattle off a bunch of words that don't mean anything anymore.
- I can't go through with this.
- YES! I KNEW IT! Now you know what it's like to have the love of your life dump you at the altar! And good luck trying to find somebody as good, because she just ain't out there! What? No, no.
Bridgett, Bridgett! - I'm sorry everyone, but Niles and I, we're already married.
- What? Mrs.
Moon, I'm afraid it's true.
Niles and Daphne are already married, - and they were simply trying to spare your feelings.
- You knew about Reno? I was talking about yesterday.
What happened in Reno? - They got married yesterday? - This is all a lie? No, yesterday was a lie.
We eloped last week.
- I thought you had to wait for the license.
- That's why we went to Reno.
- Why didn't you tell us? - We thought you'd be insulted.
I'm insulted now! How could you tell Roz and not tell your family? How could you have two weddings without telling your mother about one? How could you cheat Alice out of being a flower girl? - We just wanted to be married.
- Hold on, I got a question here.
You've been married for a week, how come you're not on your honeymoon? Thank you Martin.
- I hope you can all forgive us.
- Of course, your happiness that's what's important.
This is such a relief.
It just felt wrong to start off a marriage with a lie.
- Um, was the first one at least in front of a minister? - Of course! Yes, let's go.