Roseanne s10e01 Episode Script

1 ROSEANNE: Dan? Dan! - Dan! - [MUTTERS.]
What? What happened? I thought you were dead.
I was sleeping.
Why does everybody always think I'm dead? You looked happy.
I thought maybe you moved on.
[FEET STOMPING.]
[SIGHS.]
[GROANING.]
Oh, they're up.
I know it's only been a week, but I just can't get used to Darlene and her kids living in the house.
- [SIGHS.]
- I got no privacy.
I can't even make my Maxwell House naked, like God intended.
Well, just 'cause they're up doesn't mean we have to give up, you know, pleasuring me.
I don't know if we got time for the full symphony of love, but I'm sure we can knock off a few of the greatest hits.
[INHALES DEEPLY.]
[STRAINED.]
Brace yourself, Mother! [CHUCKLES.]
[DAN AND ROSEANNE LAUGHING.]
"Roseanne" is taped in front of a live studio audience.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
- [PILLS RATTLING.]
- [AS SAMMY DAVIS JR.
.]
Candyman's home, babe.
Ooh, my favorite Drugs! [EXHALING.]
Ah! What happened to the rest of our candy? Ha-ha.
Funny story.
Our insurance don't cover what it used to, so I got half the drugs for twice the price.
What are we supposed to do? Well, tradesies.
I'll trade you five of my statins for five of your anti-inflammatories, and I'll sweeten the pot by throwing in a couple of blood pressures.
Did you get the pain pills for my bad knee? [PILLS RATTLING.]
[AS SAMMY DAVIS JR.
.]
Wouldn't be the Candyman without the sunshine, babe.
Whoo! My babies.
Did you get the anti-depressants? They're all yours.
If you're not happy, I have no chance of being happy.
Morning, lovebirds.
Uh, are you eating Peeps for breakfast? What's it to ya? Uh, I didn't quit my job and come home to watch you kill yourself slowly, eating old Easter candy.
Hey, I worked hard all my life, and if I want to eat a marshmallow chicken for my breakfast, I think it's my damn business.
Well, like it or not, I'm here to take care of you, and I can be as stubborn as you are.
Did you remember to measure your blood sugar this morning? Yup.
Sweet as can be.
Yeah, I guess that's why you passed out at Walmart last month.
No.
That was because their prices are so low.
[SCOFFS.]
Dad, will you tell her how stupid she's being? That's never worked out for me.
And, you know, Mom, I know you and Aunt Jackie are mad at each other, but this feud is getting way out of control.
You weren't here, Darlene.
You didn't see it.
I mean, not only did she vote for the worst person on Earth, but she was a real jerk about it, too.
And now she's just ridiculous.
Uh, she's ridiculous? You made a shrine to her as if she's dead.
Well, she's dead to me.
And you better give me some credit 'cause I said very nice things about her in her obituary.
Morning, Granny Rose.
Morning, Mark.
Morning, Grandpa.
Morning, son.
Oh, come here.
I got to fix your hair.
You got a little piece sticking up.
Darlene says just ignore it.
He's "exploring.
" May the winds fill his sails and carry him to the boy's section of Target.
What you gonna have for breakfast, Mark? My mom always makes me blueberry waffles with real maple syrup.
Cereal, you say? Don't get your hopes up.
There's no waffles.
How come you're always smiling? It's weird.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Can I have some money? [CHUCKLES.]
I don't know.
Mom, can I have some money? I don't know.
Can I have some money? You could've just said we were poor.
I didn't need the routine.
I'll be back for dinner.
Whoa, you didn't tell me you were going out.
I need you to watch Mark.
I've got a job interview today.
Come on.
I made plans with my one potential friend.
I'm sorry, Harris, but I-I Tag me in.
You're babysittin'.
Game over.
This is so unfair.
You're ruining my life! You all suck! I ain't seen that movie in 20 years.
Oh, the classics really do hold up.
Come on, Darlene, I'll give you a ride to your job interview.
All's you got to do is open up your Uber app and request me.
And it's surgin' 'cause I know you really need a ride.
Uh, yeah, I'm good.
You're not gonna like this, but, uh, Aunt Jackie's picking me up.
What?! How dare you invite her here without asking me first.
This is my house! Well, and she's my aunt.
- [DOORBELL RINGS.]
- You know, I mean, she was an important part of my childhood.
I want that for my kids.
She was always fun.
Everything's fun when you're a kid.
You ever go to the circus as an adult? It's nothing but animals getting beat and drunk clowns.
Look, she promised that she would get along, and knowing the both of you, I'm guessing you're the one keeping this feud alive.
What's up, deplorable? Okay, you guys have got to talk this out civilly.
Mom, Aunt Jackie's standing right here, - pussyhat in hand.
- [CHUCKLING.]
Oh! I don't have time for this.
JACKIE: Knee still giving you trouble, Roseanne? Why don't you get that fixed with the new health care all you suckers got promised? It works good enough to kick your ass, snowflake.
There you go.
All you people go straight to the violence.
Every one of you wrapping yourselves up in the flag and clinging to your guns.
Oh, that's such a stereotype.
[GROANS.]
Where you going? I just realized We got kids in the house and I can't remember where we hid our gun.
Well, you must have put it someplace you thought it would be safe.
Yeah, I was gonna put it in the cleaning closet 'cause I know nobody ever goes in there.
No, I put it in the cleaning closet 'cause every time I had to clean the house, I'd like knowing I had an option.
Well, looky here.
"Written by Roseanne Conner.
" Oh, trash that.
This would have sold like hot cakes if only you hadn't killed off the most interesting character.
- He was a gentle giant.
- [CHUCKLES.]
You know what really would've helped, though? More bondage and a wizard school.
- Hey.
- Hey.
How was your job interview? Oh, [SCOFFS.]
, well, the pay was crap with no benefits, there were 50 people in line ahead of me when I got there, but someone did call me "ma'am," so that was great.
Hey! Uh, some of your mail got forwarded here from your old address.
It's on the kitchen counter.
Oh, well, that is startling news.
Where's Jackie? She's going to be back in a little bit.
I'm sorry, I'm just not giving up.
I invited her to dinner.
I thought you cared about our health.
Now I got to go take one of your dad's blood pressure pills.
You're killing your father.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
Still a good picture.
Uh, here's some dressing for the table.
Oh, look, Dan Russian.
- Spread these around.
- I can't, my nails are wet.
[CHUCKLING.]
Your nails are wet.
You hear that, honey? My grandson's nails are wet.
I like your nail polish, Grandpa.
That's drywall, son.
- Hey, Aunt Jackie! - Hey, oh-oh, Harris! I love the outfit.
Six bucks.
I got it at the hospital thrift store.
They're dead people's clothes.
Well, those people must've died from compliments.
- Granny Rose! - Oh! It's my little princess! Or senator or doctor or captain of industry because girls can be whatever they want to be.
I want to train cats to bark.
Good.
I think it's cool.
Aunt Jackie thinks every girl should grow up and be president, even if they're a "liar, liar, pantsuit on fire.
" I think we know who's a liar and who's on fire, Roseanne.
- Hey, Aunt Jackie.
- D.
J.
! Welcome back.
Thank you for your service.
Thanks, but I've been out of the Army for three months.
Oh, I've been off the force for years, but I can still taste the adrenaline.
Um, how's the missus? She win the war over there yet? - Not yet.
- Okay, well, thank her for her service.
I brought salad.
Thank you for your salad.
DARLENE: Hey, everybody, this is the first dinner together we've had as a family in a long time.
Let's try to survive it.
ROSEANNE: Oh, yeah.
First, let's say grace.
Jackie, would you like to take a knee? Dear Lord, thank you for this food and for bringing our son, D.
J.
, home safe from Syria.
Please protect his wife, Geena, and all our troops still overseas.
Please watch over our son, Jerry, who's on that stupid fishing boat where apparently they don't get phone calls.
But most of all, Lord thank you for making America great again! Mom.
No, it's okay, Darlene.
I'm going to use my life-coaching degree to model the behavior that I teach all my many, many clients.
In situations like this, we don't name-call.
We respond with a positive affirmation about the other person.
You're looking very fit.
Uh, apparently, all that weight you lost was the good Roseanne.
How could you have voted for him, Roseanne?! He talked about jobs, Jackie! He said he'd shake things up! I mean, this might come as a complete shock to you, but we almost lost our house, the way things are going.
Have you looked at the news? 'Cause now things are worse.
Not on the real news! Oh, puh-leeze! BECKY: Hey, everybody.
I have an announcement.
I'm having a baby.
A baby what? There's this really nice woman who wants me to have her baby.
I'm gonna be her surrogate.
You're pregnant? No, I have to fill out some forms and answer a bunch of questions first.
Daddy, is that how you have a baby? Yes.
And she's paying me $50,000.
Wow! Just for having a baby? Dan, you owe me $200,000.
Right after my checkup, I start getting the shots to produce extra eggs.
Hold up.
Extra eggs? They're using your eggs? Yeah, it's my eggs and her husband's sperm.
Sorry, I know you're eating.
But that's like selling off one of our grandkids.
Mom, if I do this, I can pay off my credit cards, I could buy a new car, maybe put something down on a house.
I can't do that working at the restaurant.
Is anyone gonna mention the fact that she's like 50? I'm 43 and I told her I was 33, which, according to the lady at the MAC counter, is my skin age.
[SNAPS.]
Oh, well, you should've used your IQ, Becky.
You could've said you were 23.
[SNAPS.]
Becky, I know you've had a hard time since your husband died.
I think this would be a wonderful opportunity for you to get back on your feet, and if you need anybody to talk to, anybody to drive you to appointments, I'm here for you.
Anybody want to know what I think? Dan, it's her body, her decision.
Right, Roseanne? Jackie's right, Dan.
It's It's Becky's call.
Thanks, Mom.
I'll be out the garage.
I better go talk to him.
[DOOR SLAMS.]
I'll wait 'til he has a couple of beers first.
That oughta do it.
Can you believe the way she put us both on the spot like that? I'm not letting Becky do this, Roseanne.
In this family, if you get pregnant, you're gonna have the baby.
We're gonna love the baby, we're gonna raise the baby to believe that anything is possible, until the time the baby realizes it got screwed by being born into this family, then we're gonna send that baby out into the world until such time said baby returns home to us to live with its own baby! Well, I don't want her selling off our grandkids, either, Dan, but, you know, if there's one thing we learned about Becky is we can't tell her what to do 'cause then she'll just go do the exact opposite.
I mean, remember we told her not to get married? She got married.
Remember we told her not to get that Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch tattoo? She got the tattoo.
Yeah, and we told her she had to finish high school, so she didn't finish high school? She didn't finish high school? You miss a lot of stuff when you're out drinking in the garage, Dan.
[SCOFFS.]
That's the whole point.
So, aren't you gonna say anything about the baby? You're not having a baby.
Of course you're gonna give me crap about this.
No, I'm merely pointing out, at your age, your uterus should be designated a historic landmark.
At least I'm taking care of myself.
I'm not living at home with my parents.
[SCOFFS.]
I'm taking care of them, they're not taking care of me.
I mean, [SCOFFS.]
, look, M-Mom and Jackie are fighting, Dad and Mom aren't taking their medication.
I didn't want to come home.
I had to come home because this family's falling apart.
You're too selfish to care about anyone but you.
You just keep telling yourself that, Darlene.
And, by the way, I'm about to have a baby.
I don't need to be stressed out.
I don't live here anymore.
Don't be mean to your sister.
She's an old woman trying to have a baby.
And, by the way, Darlene, if you want to tell everybody that you came home to take care of us, we'll back you up on that.
What are you talking about? That is why I came home.
Your severance check got forwarded here.
You lost your job, right? Y-You opened my mail? Yeah, I never stopped.
That is such a huge violation.
No, it's not.
That's this one.
They caught you on a red light camera.
It looks like you're reading a magazine.
Okay.
You know, what do you want me to say? I lost my job, okay? You know, I-I didn't know what else to do.
I got two kids, I got no partner, [VOICE BREAKING.]
so I came home.
Well, why didn't you just say that? Because it's embarrassing.
You know, I just I thought I'd be a huge success by now.
[SNIFFLES.]
I-I thought I could buy a huge house [VOICE BREAKING.]
that I could hold over your head.
That would've been sweet.
Anyway, please just don't tell Becky and D.
J.
about this.
My scathing commentary on their life would be severely compromised.
Oh, come here.
[SINGSONG VOICE.]
My little loser.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
Shut up.
I'm not letting you eat that pie.
Shhhh! Well, I finally got you alone.
Are you out of your damn mind? Becky's about to make a horrible mistake, and you're talking about helping her out and driving her to the doctor? Dan and me don't want her to be a surrogate! What has happened to you? You always believed in "my body, my choice.
" Right, and her body came out of my body, so it's my choice.
You just can't stand for anybody to have their own opinions about anything, can you? So you tell them how stupid they are all the time, and you get them to question what they believe in their heart is the right thing to do until they make some enormous mistake that tears America apart and brings the world to the brink of nuclear apocalypse! So, I'm guessing this isn't about Becky's eggs anymore.
You kept saying what a disaster it would be if she got elected and how I wasn't seeing the big picture and how everything was rigged, and then I go into the booth and I voted for Jill Stein! Who's Jill Stein? Some doctor! You did such a good job of making me doubt myself and feel so stupid that I choked, which helped get him elected.
Well, the important thing is that you voted.
Being away from you this past year proved to me that I make good decisions on my own.
I miss the family but I would rather be alone than let you bully me again.
Jackie, it is not my fault that I just happen to be a charismatic person who's always right about everything.
And I never said you were stupid.
[STAMMERING.]
Well, I didn't mean it.
You're relatively smart.
And I guess I didn't mean to imply that you're some right-wing jackass.
I should have tried to understand why you voted the crazy way that you did.
And I should have understood that, you know, you want the government to give everybody free health care 'cause you're a good-hearted person who can't do simple math.
[CHUCKLING.]
Thank you.
And [VOICE BREAKING.]
I'm sorry.
And you? [VOICE BREAKING.]
I forgive you.
[VOICE BREAKING.]
I know how hard that was for you.
[GASPING AND SQUEALING.]
It is so great to finally meet you! And I can see why you picked me.
I mean, look at us.
We could be the same person.
Oh, my God.
I mean, it is like looking in the mirror before I put my makeup on.
[CHUCKLES.]
Now, I have all the paperwork here for you to take home and review.
Uh, Agreement Form, Medical Release It's standard stuff.
I also have some questions about your genetic history, so I should probably meet your family.
You want to meet my family? You know what would save time? If I showed you pictures on my phone and described them instead.
Mm, say no more.
I know how families can be.
Do you think I could warm them up with a monthly delivery of fresh, organic pears? That'd be perfect.
They've all been meaning to try a pear.