Bob's Burgers s10e02 Episode Script

1 And with this sample, I will have reassembled a whole tangerine in my belly.
Mm, mm Okay, Gene, maybe that's enough samples for now.
Ooh, jerky.
Good shelf life.
Should we get some? Stock up for the apocalypse? - Mm, maybe no apocalypse jerky.
- Jerky jerk.
You know, I think I'd do really well in the apocalypse.
Don't you think? Aw, who am I kidding? I'd probably get eaten immediately, and not just because my thighs are perfect.
No, you'd be okay.
Though I am picturing you with an apple - in your mouth right now.
- Father! Sorry.
I'm sure you'd be a very capable boy.
Together we'd survive at least a day.
Maybe two.
Whoa.
Those are never here.
Could it really be possible? That there's mushrooms at a farmer's market? I'd say very possible.
Not just any mushroom, Gene.
The Woolly Neptune.
I-I had one once, years ago.
It's perfect.
I've always wanted to make a burger of the day out of it.
Whoa.
That can't be right.
Uh, excuse me? The Woolly Neptune isn't really $30 an ounce, is it? - It is.
- Uh, could it be less? - Is this you negotiating? - I guess, yes? Look out, Farmer.
Here comes Big City.
I'd come down to $29 an ounce.
Wow, Dad.
You destroyed him.
Uh, I'd have to charge, like, $20 a burger.
I don't-I don't want to be that guy.
Sorry, man.
You know, you could have a look in the woods, try to find some yourself.
- The woods? I've heard of those.
- Really? Is that an option? I heard they grow around here sometimes, but I thought that was just a rumor.
My guys get these in Ohio, but they might also grow in the Melville Reserve.
- Hey, we could do that.
- Hunt for mushrooms? It doesn't sound like something we'd do.
Gene, this is our chance to go out there and fend for ourselves.
A little apocalypse practice, huh? The two of us out there hunting and foraging Shirts off, our boobs bouncing in the wind.
Finding fresh produce for the restaurant.
And-and you you-you are just the right size for looking for mushrooms.
- So, come on, let's do it.
- You're serious? I thought we were just trying to impress the mushroom guy.
LINDA: Ooh, Tina.
- There's a package for you.
- TINA: Oh, yeah? Wow, first that postcard from Grandma two years ago, now this? It's probably a refill on your puberty.
- Hey, it's my new glasses.
- Whoa.
You think you can pull those off? Aw, man, I thought we got charcoal Grey.
These are black.
I was really excited about my hot new look.
Why don't you try them on, sweetie? Whoa.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- One more.
- Whoa.
I can see clearly now.
Hey, look, the rain is gone.
Lin, remember that Woolly Neptune mushroom - I had years ago? - I'm gonna lie and say yes.
Turns out they grow in a forest not far away.
Look, I know it's a lot to ask for you to watch the restaurant today, but it just rained.
Yeah.
And? So we need to go, Lin.
Conditions are perfect.
- Whoa.
Whoa.
- Okay.
You see, I'm one of those chefs that forages for food now.
Yup.
We're mushroom hunters.
I'm Daddy's little piggy.
Check out our foraging basket.
Oh, yeah, I was gonna put toilet paper in there.
Ah, dreams.
But wait, you got to leave now? Yeah.
It just rained.
Come on, who wants in? Who wants to go? I assume everyone.
- Oh, God, no.
- (sighs) Okay.
- Um, Tina? - Whoa.
Whoa.
Whoa.
Tina got new glasses.
- This is how she acts now.
- Hmm.
But isn't there a thing where you can get really sick if you eat the wrong mushroom? Yeah, but did I mention we've been doing Internet research upstairs? Like, a solid 20 minutes' worth.
- So we're good.
- I liked the pop-up ads.
One simple trick to get rid of crepey breast skin.
Look, we printed out a whole bunch of very helpful mushroom info.
Hey, you got the printer to work.
It didn't print, like, well.
I mean, the toner's low.
It's always low.
I've maybe never changed the toner, I just shook it again.
So basically the story of Hanukkah? These are a little faded, but you can mostly read everything.
What if you get lost? What? These two? No.
Dad, have you always had that much ear hair? - Um, yeah, I-I think so.
- I can see each one.
And there's so much going on in the nostrils.
Wow.
- That's great, Tina.
- Okey-doke.
We'll be back in a few minutes with Woolly Neptunes.
No, Gene, it takes an hour just to get there.
- We'll be back in, like, three hours.
- Three hours? I guess I could bring my BlackBerry and get some work done.
BOB: Almost there.
- Probably.
Maybe.
- Love your confidence.
Okay, I think this is where the Internet says to park.
Do we need to get out of the car or is this a drive-through situation? It is not, Gene.
- The plan is we get out.
- Oof.
- Check our map.
- (moans) - Look for Jasper trees.
- (groans) - And low, moist valleys and gullies.
- Mm.
(scat singing) Oop! Pull up your socks there, fella.
You don't want to get ticks.
No, sir.
Lyme disease.
You guys want a spritz? You guys need a hit? Uh, yeah, sure.
Uh, hit us.
I (coughs) Oh, that's - That went right in my mouth.
- I'll take a spray.
- Yup.
Yup.
- Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
-That's good.
I think that's enough.
-There we go.
No, no, no.
We're good.
Thank you for the help.
- Have a great day, you two.
- Thank you.
And I'm done.
- Perfect job.
- Are you sure? I see a spot you missed.
Many spots.
Actually I'm not sure you got any spots.
Mm, looks pretty clean to me.
Listen, yesterday, I would have agreed with you.
But with these new glasses? It's a whole new world.
There, ketchup stain.
There, relish.
- Holy crap, I can see salt.
- I don't know, Tina.
Since you can see so well, maybe you should be the one to mop.
I might just not have the eyes for it.
- Hmm.
I guess I should.
- I guess you should.
(sighs) Man, I'll try wiping menus, but we might need your eyes for that job, too.
Don't take it too hard, Louise.
You'll find your thing.
- You think so? - Yeah, yeah.
What I wouldn't give.
GENE: Which way do we go, Pops? - Uh this way? - JASON: Great day for a hike.
Nice basket.
Forget your picnic? Uh, we're actually, uh, hunting for mushrooms.
(laughs) No way.
We're mushroom hunters, too.
Man, there is nothing like walking the mossy aisles of the forest floor grocery store, am I right? Exactly.
I feel totally the same way.
Uh, believe it or not, it's our first time out.
Do you know where we might find any Woolly Neptunes? (laughs) So you just want to find the rarest, most expensive mushroom in, like, the world your first time out.
(laughs): Sure, no problem.
Joking.
It's maybe impossible.
Oh, no.
Uh, really? Yeah, we gave up looking for those things a long time ago.
So, what do you guys look for now? Oh, tumblers, red rubies, leaves in funny shapes.
Yeah, I know all those.
Um Well, I mean, if we still wanted to look for Woolly Neptunes, w-where do you think we'd go? Look, it's probably not worth your time, but we haven't checked Paradise Grove in a while, - so maybe over there? - Yeah.
I'd give, - uh, Paradise Grove a shot.
- Yeah.
- Who knows, you might get lucky.
- Paradise Grove.
Uh, are there a lot of Jasper trees there? And moist valleys and gullies? (laughs): Look at you guys! Total pros, huh? So, how do we get to Paradise Grove? What you're gonna do is you're gonna follow this path here, and then you're gonna hit a fork, and then you go northeast along the ridge-line there.
Go northeast along the ridge-line.
I love it.
I love the way that sounds.
Okay, Gene, uh, we should get going, then.
- Hey, thanks for your help.
- Bye-bye.
Good luck! You're gonna need it.
- Ain't nothing where we sent you.
- (both laugh) - What's that? - Uh, we, we said, uh, we hope you find lots of Woolly Neptunes.
Oh.
Okay, then.
Thanks again.
- You guys are the best.
- Have fun.
You're gonna follow a big dumb path in a big dumb circle and you're not gonna find anything and then you're gonna go home.
I'm-I'm sorry, you're pretty far away.
I can't hear you.
- What'd you say, man? - Nothing.
- Nothing.
Right, never mind.
See you later.
- I like those guys.
- I love those guys.
BOB: So then, this way - is the way to go.
- How do you know? Well, because it's northeast, and those guys said to go northeast.
How do you know it's northeast? Well, (chuckles) I'll tell you, Gene.
- You see the sun? - Now I do.
Thanks a lot.
As you know, the sun rises in the east and sets in the west.
Wait a second.
Are you a flat-earther? No.
Okay, so if the sun sets in the west, then this is north and that is northeast, - which is where we're headed.
- (grunting) -(gulps loudly) -Did you just pull something out of your sock and eat it? Yeah, a cracker.
We're foraging.
We need our strength.
Did you not put crackers in one sock and cheese in the other? - No.
- And no chicken fingers anywhere? - No.
- Pizza bagels? No, I put no food in my socks.
Ugh, fine, you can have some of my sock cheese.
No, thanks.
GENE: Got a little melty in my sock.
It's like fondue.
Wipe, wipe, wipe.
Hey, Mom, will you try these on and tell me if you can see super clear? Sure.
Ooh, blurry.
- Blurry? - You look like a glamorous Henry Kissinger.
Let me try yours, Linda.
I'm Linda.
You can smell me all across the room.
What do you mean "smell me"? Like, grease or fat or whatever.
- No.
- Like burgers.
No, you cook burgers, fries.
Bob's lucky.
All night long, you must smell like fries.
I wonder if I can see out of these bad boys.
Whoa.
Insta-headache.
- These are coming off.
- Do you want to try these? Oh, you're putting them on me.
Okay.
- How do we look? - I don't know, Teddy.
- We can't see.
- I can't see you.
- Oh, right.
I can't believe Bob missed that.
Hmm.
Hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm.
- You okay, Tina? - Kind of.
It's just These glasses only work for me.
Yeah, they're your glasses.
That's what prescriptions do.
No, don't you get it? I think they're somehow combining with my exact eyesight to give me super sharp vision.
Right.
Like, maybe they're secret military-grade and were supposed to go to some spy, but they got sent to you accidentally.
- Yeah, maybe.
- Let's see, can you read, uh, that menu board, uh, outside Jimmy Pesto's? I-I think it says "charsh.
" Does it say charsh? That's weird, that's not even a word.
No.
It says "fried pizza balls.
" -(gasps) -See? I have way better than normal vision.
So you were hoping for a bit of a new look, and you got a superpower.
Superpower is a strong word.
But fair.
So, are you ready for this level of responsibility? I was born ready.
I mean, not really.
I was born a baby.
And then, over time, I became more ready.
Uh, but-but now, y Um, yeah, I'm ready.
I am not seeing a lot of mushrooms so far.
Definitely not any Woolly Neptunes.
That's fun.
Someone dropped a log.
Probably God.
BOB: Well, let's just hop this little obstacle.
(grunts) Nope.
Little short.
I'm gonna go under.
I'll meet you on the other side.
I'll be the boy that crawled on his belly under God's log and became a man.
Ooh.
Okay, I'm up.
I'm just gonna take a little rest.
Me, too.
We earned it.
- See you tomorrow.
- Wait, Gene.
D-Don't actually fall asleep.
Just want to close my eyes.
This is so comfortable on my face.
-Ooh, moss.
-Gene, no.
We have to stay awake.
(yawns) Good night, Dad.
TINA: I can see so many details.
Look at the leaves on that tree.
And the feathers on that bird.
And those butts.
I see all the creases.
There's so much topography.
Wait, are those underwear lines? Can I really see Tighty-whities right now? Oh, man, I can.
But should I? Course you should.
Shut up.
But isn't this just like someone who's invisible and then goes into dressing rooms? Wait, that'd be amazing.
No, stop! People are entitled to privacy.
- (shouts) - Are you all right, sweetie? Uh, sure, yeah.
Just adjusting to these new glasses.
It's a lot of responsibility.
New glasses can be, I guess.
That crack goes all the way up No.
Mm Wipe, wipe, wipe.
Hey, are we still going the way those guys told us to? - Whoa Whoa, whoa! Whoa! - Whoa! - (screams) - Whoa! Whoa! (grunts) Are you okay, Gene? Yes.
Your smushiness saved me.
Hey, Dad? Are those (whispers): It can't be.
- Moist gully - Jasper trees Woolly greenish-blue cap.
Picture's gray-ish gray, but sure - And an off-center stem.
- Like something I know.
- And velvety blue gills? - Like something else I know.
It's a Woolly Neptune, Gene! - Holy crap! We found it! - We found it! And there are so many of them! MITCHELL: Hey! You guys find something? We found some Woolly Neptunes.
A whole bunch of them.
- JASON: Are you sure? - Definitely sure.
- Wait, where are you guys? - I-I don't know.
We-we might have gotten a little lost and then, uh, and then we got more lost.
- And then we fell.
- Not your fault, though.
Your directions were great.
Hey, guys? The thing is there are a lot of lookalike mushrooms that are really, really poisonous, so we'll come to you and verify that yours are okay.
Oh, okay, thanks.
We'll stay here, then.
- We're in a moist gully! - (whispering): Are you guys nuts? - (both shout) - Oh, hey.
Bug spray lady.
Where'd you come from? (shushes) Listen, the last thing you want to do when you find a treasure is blab it to the world.
Especially those guys.
(whispering): Yeah, but-but those guys are nice.
They're-they're helping us.
Oh, no, they are not.
Those guys are shady as hell.
(whispering): But they've got such a great vibe.
How'd you even find this place, anyway? Those guys told us where to go.
Yeah, but we didn't go there, and then we fell.
Wait, did they give us directions to a place that didn't have mushrooms on purpose? But we messed those directions up so badly we actually found some? That's exactly what happened.
You got to call these guys off.
Oh, okay.
Um Guys? You know what? Uh, we were wrong.
These aren't Woolly Neptunes.
They're-they're, um, they're carrots.
Wild carrots, if that's a real thing.
I think they're tangerines! - Terrible job.
- I know.
MITCHELL: Yeah, we're gonna, uh, check them out anyway.
JASON: To be safe and all.
Just-just keep making sounds.
- Crap.
What do we do? - (stammers) Hurry.
Pick the rest of the mushrooms real fast before they get here.
I'll help.
Go.
Go.
I should probably stop naming each one.
Right after you, Stewart.
It's okay, Stewart.
You're gonna live with me now.
And you too, Jessica Alba.
- MITCHELL: Are we getting warmer? - Oh, crap.
They're so close.
(whispering): There's no time to run.
You got to hide.
-(whispering): Yes, hide.
Always hide.
- There.
In that log.
(grunts) I feel like we're cheating on our other log.
(groans) - How you doing, buddy? - I don't know.
I have this super ability to see, but I feel like I should be doing more with it.
Hmm.
You're just looking at butts, huh? Yeah.
It doesn't have to be saving the world, but at least, like, fighting local crime or something.
Maybe you can fight crime.
Hey, you see that couple across the street? Duh.
Of course you can.
But with my fuzzy eyes, I can barely see them, so, I don't know, do you think that maybe they could - be up to something nefarious? - Nefarious? Well, Th-they are both wearing sunglasses.
Pretty sketchy, I'd say.
Do you think you could read their lips, - see what they're saying? - I don't know.
Uh, let me try.
He's saying, "Hey, burrito doctor, you're late with the penguin again.
" Hmm, they must be talking in code.
- Probably spies.
- Spies? Mm-hmm.
Teddy, we need you to take notes.
All right, can I borrow a pen? Hurry, Teddy.
This is important business.
Linda, pen! I need a pen.
Give me a pen now! - Okay.
Why? - I don't know.
Teddy, you're getting all this, right? What am I writing? I'm confused.
What am I doing? She's saying, "I'm going to count from one to Annie Potts.
" He just looked over his shoulder! - Something's about to happen! - Right, right.
This is a highlighter! Why do I have a highlighter? - Okay, this is - Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
- Just write with a highlighter! - Ooh, you lip reading? Okay, let's see.
She's saying, "My father gave me this nose.
It's not so bad.
" Hmm, that's not what I got, but, wait, you can see their lips? Like, clearly? Yeah, it's not that hard.
They're right over there.
(scoffs) No, only Tina's glasses can see that far 'cause they're special.
Wait, so can you tell me what it says on Jimmy Pesto's menu board? It says "fried pizza balls.
" Ech.
They have them today? I mean, they sound they don't sound so bad.
Uh, who knows how they are.
Who's had 'em? I never had 'em.
I'm just gonna go outside real quick and pizza ball.
I mean, what? No! I'm not gonna go do that because I don't even like those.
I don't I'll be back with a burnt mouth in 12 minutes.
No, I won't! Huh.
So I can't see better than everyone else? I can just see better than me from before? Look, the important thing is you cleaned everything in the whole restaurant by yourself today, and you had fun doing it.
- Did I? - You did.
You really did.
Where'd you guys go? We don't want you to eat bad mushrooms.
You could get the worst diarrhea you can possibly imagine.
(whispers): And I can imagine some pretty bad diarrhea.
Oh, hey.
Are you looking for two guys, one small? 'Cause I saw them hightailing it down that trail.
All right, let's go.
Wait a minute.
Uh, hey dude, I can see your foot.
It's totally sticking out from the log.
BOB: No, it's not? (chuckles) Guys, come on out.
We're here to help.
I could've sworn you guys went on that trail - right that-that one.
- Uh Yeah, we were, uh, we were just in that log looking for, um, log mushrooms.
There-there weren't any.
- Whoa.
- My goodness.
So these are the Woolly Neptunes you think you found, huh? Or are they moldy strawberries? Who knows? Oh, this is unfortunate.
You know what I'm seeing here? Tell me if you agree.
Ugh, the spore dust on the stem is concerning.
- Yeah, yeah, it should be white, - Ugh.
Mm-hmm.
- But it's kind of a light blue.
- Yup.
This is definitely Devil's Fur.
- Devil's Fur? - Aka Lentinellus Diaboli.
Yeah.
Hate to tell you guys, but you found a whole pot of fool's gold.
Huh.
Really? Oh, yeah.
You could've gotten very sick.
Yeah, we'll just go ahead and dispose of those for you.
Huh.
So these are totally worthless then? - Yup, afraid so.
- Oops.
(both gasp) Aha! If they were worthless, you wouldn't care if I squished one.
- We don't care.
- (whispering): They're faking.
Gene, we're gonna run to the car.
- Hey, guys, fetch! - Uh, that's kind of demeaning.
I still want that mushroom, though.
- Hey! - Hey, come back here! (panting) Which way's the car? Okay, we came into the park and then we went north.
- I got turned around - Wait! That's one of the rocks I wiped my cheesy fingers on.
- That means the car is that way.
- (chuckles) Look at us navigating.
I mean, look at me, but sure.
- (panting) - Okay, I'm going over.
GENE: I'm going under! (grunts, laughs) I did it! Call me Draco Malfoy 'cause I am Slytherin! (both panting) BOB: Gene, there's the car! - We made it! - Oh, no, no, no.
No, where are my car keys? They, uh, fell out of your pocket when you were climbing into that log.
Wait, how'd you get here so fast? You went the long way, I went the short way.
Oh, short way.
Sounds shorter.
Well, thank God you have 'em.
Oh, can I, uh, can I have 'em? You can, but you got to give us the Woolly Neptunes first.
- We're the "us" part.
- Yeah, us three.
But then you'd have all our mushroo Oh.
But You're on their team now? What happened? - Y-You said they were shady.
- Oh, they are.
- But so is she.
- Oh, she's the worst.
The second I saw you guys with all those Woolly Neptunes, I was wondering how I was gonna get 'em.
And then you dropped your keys and I picked 'em up.
Ooh, that was good.
But you yelled so much, and these bozos came along, so I had to cut them in.
Give us those mushrooms, or I'll we'll take 'em from you, I guess? Are you kidding me? We've been looking for them for so long, - they feel like they're ours.
- Give 'em.
You guys are jerks, stealing mushrooms from strangers.
- Hey, don't judge us.
- Don't steal our mushrooms.
Let's just trade before we say something we regret, okay? (sighs) Damn it.
I just wanted to forage with my son.
- I-I don't want to fight.
- You guys are lucky! If I wasn't here, he'd do that thing where he jumps up and kicks you all - at the same time.
- I'll tell you what.
I have an offer.
- Prepare to be dazzled.
- There are five of us, what if we split the mushrooms five ways? Huh? That's fair.
No.
You want your keys or what? (sighs) Oh, fine, just take 'em and go sell them for drugs or whatever.
Hey, just because we enjoy the outdoors - we automatically like drugs? - Yeah.
Is nature a drug? - Is cocaine a drug? - Uh, yes, it-it is.
- Which one? - Cocaine.
That would explain why it's so expensive.
- So how are we gonna split these up? - Wh - How about one of us picks one and then somebody - Oh, so like a draft? -Like my fantasy football league.
-(grunts) - Oh, wait, oh! - (grunting) - Give give me (overlapping chatter) Oh, come on! So see you guys around? - Gene, let's go.
- Okay, bye.
(groaning): Oh.
Ugh.
Stupid delicious pizza balls.
I was so excited earlier.
I really thought I had super powers.
Tina, we've been through this.
Remember when you went up a bra size? - Oh, yeah.
- Superboobs.
The streets did feel a little safer that week.
Honey, you do have super powers.
Your super power is being the best 13-year-old kid I know.
Here she is, Super T Taller than a tree, stronger than a rock Can jump like a cat, cozy like a hat Beaky like a bird, bendy like a straw How's it go? Fuzzy like a grape.
Come on, I'll tickle you.
There she goes! - You're my super, super Tina! - (laughs) Mom, please.
- The point is you're special.
- That's a nice song.
Thanks, and even if it's not a super power, it's nice to see you so clearly, Mom.
Aw.
I can see all those little lines on your face.
- What? - What are those called? - Crow's feet.
- Right, crow's feet.
Don't forget her laugh lines.
Oh, and look at your little mustache! Okay, go clean the bathroom, all of you.
Now.
Go.
- Me, too? - No, Teddy, not you.
Okay.
(sighs) Hey, sorry I dragged you out here, Gene.
And even though those dumb jerks tried to steal all our mushrooms and they all got smushed, it was nice spending the day with you, pal, and did I say all? Because they didn't all get smooshed.
L-Look! I held onto one.
Well, half of one.
Nice job, Dad! I also got a few.
This, and that, and this.
This one, too.
Oh, my God, Gene, you are a very capable boy.
- I am! - If there was an apocalypse, I bet we'd last three days with you around.
- A long weekend.
- L-Let me see those.
Uh, you know what? Actually, uh, you hold 'em.
- 'Cause they were in my sock? - Yeah.
We'll-we'll-we'll cook 'em.
Uh, quite a bit.
LINDA: There she is, Super Tina Wearing super clothes, flying 'cross the clouds Doing helpful stuff, finding kitchen things Corkscrew's in the drawer, gives it to her mom There she is, Super Tina Starin' at the butts, always at the butts There she is, cleaning the glasses Got to keep 'em clean, now she's spinning 'round Her glasses gonna fall, so she cannot see Okay, now she can see She's Super Tina!