King of the Hill s10e02 Episode Script
Bystand Me
Yep.
Yep.
Yup.
Mm-hmm.
How do, Hank? Pretty good.
You know you already delivered my paper this morning.
Yeah, I just wanted to wish you a Merry Christmas in person, instead of leaving you some tacky store-bought card.
Well, thanks, Harv, but uh, it's April.
Yeah, normally I'd wait till December, but the Bystander's got a new owner, or should I say "new bastard.
" I prefer "new bastard," thanks.
First thing he's doing is replacing all us delivery guys with kids.
Apparently we're not the face they want for the new Bystander.
Huh.
Well, that's, um yeah.
Meanwhile, they keep taxing old Harv's cigs Okay, then.
Merry Christmas.
I can't believe they're only hiring kids.
I always dreamed of having a newspaper route.
Now my hopes have been raised and dashed in a matter of moments.
I have hopelash.
You know, a newspaper route could be great for Bobby.
He has a bike, and it could be a way to teach him to throw without scaring him with a ball.
You know, my ex-wife slept with Harv.
Couple of times.
ANNOUNCER: We hope you've enjoyed our Million Dollar Movie.
Which would have been a hundred million dollar movie had they cast Tom Cruise and Tom Hanks instead of Gary Busey.
Bobby! Good news.
All right! You're going to be a paper boy.
Yeah? Yup.
The new owner of the Bystander is bringing back old-timey paper boys.
New owners? Regime change.
Just think, you'll make $10 before the rest of Arlen even wakes up.
Oh, well, you know, I'm not really a morning person.
Well, you are now.
Sign-ups are tomorrow.
This isn't just Bobby's lucky day, it's mine, too.
The old Bystander's answer to my story ideas was always "no, no, no.
" But now that heads are rolling in that newsroom, I am throwing my head into the ring! Good for you, Peggy! And once I get a job at the paper, I won't need to keep pouring my creative juices into these DVD commentaries, that, let's be honest, no one but you was ever gonna hear.
That makes this one a collector's item.
Enjoy.
Is your dad making you get a paper route, too? I'm building character.
DALE: Hey, dude, is this where I sign up for the jizzob? Hi, Mr.
Gribble.
Gribwhat? I'm Sparky Wilson and I moved here with my mom when my dad left us Ah, dang it.
It's not fair that only kids get a paper route! Believe me, if there was any way I could trade places with you, Mr.
Gribble, I would.
Hmm what if my want of a paper route joined up with your un-want? You sign up, I do all the work.
I don't know.
If I'm still in bed when my dad gets up, he's going to know there's something going on.
Ah once again your dad does present a problem.
Ah Hey, you could sleep in the Bugabago during the route.
I've got a cot back there for marsupial stake-outs.
Well I'm not sure Fine.
Enjoy your nice, cold, dark bike ride.
Hey, you, bird-chest-- interested in a deal? Wait! I'm in.
Yes! Dude, I am totally stoked! ( screaming ) Rad! What do you think, Hank? For my interview with the managing editor I decided to go with my Knock 'Em Dead shirt.
Good choice.
Wow-- you'll write the paper, Bobby'll toss it on our stoop, and Ladybird will bring it to me.
( sighs ) Here we go.
His and hers copies of New York Times.
You ready for crossword competition? Go! Yeah! PEGGY: Oh, for God's sake! Un-freakin'-believable! Hey! Peggy Hill, pipe down! We trying to match wits over here.
But I have got a major job interview, and I just spilled coffee all over my blouse.
Oh, a stain? That what you caterwauling about? Remove it.
If I knew how to get a huge coffee stain out of silk, I would do it.
But I do not.
Mmm, a housewife that can't clean.
What exactly does Hank Hill keep you around for? This.
I live the life of the mind, Minh.
I am a thinker, a writer.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever.
Just soak stain in lime juice, dab gently, and quit your hollering.
Well, I do not have time for soaking and dabbing.
I'm going to have to change into my funeral shirt.
Hmm so I see you didn't go to J school.
I like that.
Not only did I not go to J school, I don't even know what it is.
It's journalism school-- but that's all you need to know about it.
I'm looking for people who have a homespun wisdom that can only come from living a real life.
A realer life than mine you would be hard-pressed to find, sir.
Well, that's dandy.
I'll tell you what our readers would love: a "Helpful Hints" column.
Care to take a whack at it? "Helpful Hints?" Like who to vote for? Great books to read? How to think? Oh, no, no, nothing like that.
I'm talking about household hints.
You know, getting rid of mildew, treating stains I have a feeling you'd knock it out of the park.
And from there, there's no telling how far you could go at this paper.
Mr.
Biffel, would you believe that just minutes before this interview, I had a huge coffee stain on my blouse? I was lost until I thought about a little saying my pappy used to tell me: Soak it in lime juice.
That's exactly the kind of gem I'm looking for! Hey, do you know how to get newspaper ink out of a white shirt? Of course I do.
( nervous laughter) But you'll have to wait till tomorrow to read all about it! MINH: Time out! KAHN: Pens down! Minh, I was just thinking about that great hint we were chatting about this morning you know, the lime juice on the coffee stain.
Delightful.
Now, do you have any other ones? Oh, sure, my mother-in-law, Laoma, loves to tell me how to clean my house better.
She has this way of scrubbing grout Hmmm, I smell desperation.
What's the matter, you've got to clean Jethro's overalls before he come back from still? Ha-ha.
Minh great, Peggy bad.
Look, I've got a household hints column in the Bystander and I don't know any.
Help me-- I will give you whatever you want.
I need nine-letter word for sub-atomic particle discoverer! You got that?! Wait, I do.
The Bystander has access to every paper's puzzle answers a day early.
Mm-hmm.
Now, I have to write this column five days a week, so you have to keep the pipeline open.
I don't know that's going to mean talking to mother-in-law an awful lot.
KAHN: Minh, where are you? You can run, but you cannot hide from my superior vocabulary! I want Sunday answers, too, and tomorrow's weather.
I be like God.
( yawns ) ( horn honks ) You can move that bag of rats.
Or use it as a pillow.
( whistling ) ( grunting ) Uh, Bobby? A little help? It is so great to be trembling from excitement instead of fear, eh? ( snoring ) Yes! ( moaning ) ( screaming ) Uh huh? Well, steering works! MAN: Looks like someone turned in their first column, eh? Oh, you're Bob Jenkins, the "Eye on Arlen.
" I'm Peggy I'll learn your name if I read it in the Bystander.
Just so you know, I used to be "Eyes on Arlen" till Roddy Rae read my first piece and threw it right back into my face.
Had a staple in it.
He's just kidding ya.
He had a brain tumor and had to have his eye taken out.
Oh, that's a relief.
I'm a little nervous.
Roddy Rae took my column into the men's room.
Is that good or bad? Mmm-mm, depends.
If he comes out holding it, good news.
If he's empty handed, well ( toilet flushing ) Won't be long now.
Peggy, congratulations.
This calls for a drink at The Life Boat.
New person buys.
( country playing ) ( people chattering ) PEGGY: Oh, my God, there's Channel 84's Burl Arlington.
Oh, look, the mannequin convention is in town.
Hey, Burl, let's see if you can order a drink without using a TelePrompTer.
( laughter ) You're doing a great job, Jenkins.
I can't wait to wake up tomorrow to find out what happened today.
( laughter ) Peggy? What are you doing here? I am writing for the Bystander, but I have to tell you, I do not know if I can keep up with these barbs.
Oh, Sug, you got to show 'em you can dish it out or they'll eat you alive.
Would you do me a favor? Could you just toss a friendly little insult my way so I can get into the game? Sure, Sug, leave it to me.
Congratulations on the new column, Peggy.
I'm sure all seven of the Bystander's readers will love it.
Take that, you bleached-out tramp! ( gasps, oohing ) ( whispers ): Thank you.
13, 14 and two for the Great State of Taxes.
'Scuse me.
( low growl ) Scab! Scab! He's the kid who took all our jobs! Aah! Mr.
Gribble! ( pants deeply ) ( coughs ) ( sighs ) ( groans ): Wha? What time is it? 10:30 in the a.
m.
What a day.
I was supposed to be at school at 8:15.
I missed my science test.
Why do we have all these extra papers? Huh.
I don't know.
Who cares.
I'm tired.
Mr.
Gribble, my name's on this route.
We have to deliver these papers.
Whatever you say, Hank.
Boy, last night Bobby reached for a dinner roll and I think I saw a muscle in his throwing arm.
Yeah, man, well, I don't want to kill that dang ol' buzz, man, but I tell you what, that little boy throws like them dang ol' Drifters, man.
Talking 'bout, dang ol' "Up On The Roof.
" I also found my paper on Boomhauer's roof.
Huh, I'll have to work with Bobby on his toss mechanics.
It's not easy being a paper boy, Hank! You know, I've been getting a lot of complaints about your throwing accuracy.
You do know you're right-handed, don't you? I'll work on it, Dad.
You're Peggy Hill.
I recognize you from your picture.
And I recognize you as a fan.
I loved your article last Friday.
I went right out and put seaweed on the oil on my driveway.
Peggy, you saved my driveway and my marriage.
Yeah, I never heard about that seaweed thing before.
Where'd you come up with that? Hank, I want to talk about our marriage.
( chuckles ) I agree, Laoma, nothing good enough for your little Kahn.
That's why I would so appreciate you telling me how I might remove a lipstick stain from his shirt.
Here are tomorrow's answers, including a 15-letter Shakespearean palindrome.
I'm gonna fill that one in last, pretend like it really stumping me.
Oh, yes, Laoma, I'm still here.
Oh, yes, I did hear you say my lipstick remind you of Bangkok circus clown.
No, I'm not taking a tone.
I really do value your tips to make myself look less freakish.
Okay, now that was uncalled for, you ngo kao khwa'ai paa.
Oh, no, no-- don't call her a ngo kao khwa'ai paa.
Yeah, well you know that couch you sleep on when you stay here? It pull out.
( speaking Laotian ) No more tips.
What?! Well, she can't cut us off! What am I going to do for my next column?! Sorry, guess you're on your own.
Hey, maybe something about turning corn cobs into pipes? ( groans ) Ah, the tyranny of the blank screen.
Writer's block, eh? When I get writer's block I drink five cups of coffee, eat five candy bars and cross my fingers.
This may or may not help, but when I get writer's block, I buy a prostitute.
( groaning ) ( yawns ) Dale, wake up.
Wha? Oh, morning, Hank.
I must've dozed off.
( moans ): Just five more minutes, Mr.
Gribble.
Bobby? Dad?! Mr.
Gribble, did you fall asleep? Uh, yes.
And Bobby must have climbed in the back of my van with his bike and papers.
( chuckles nervously ) He made me do it! He has some kind of mystical hold on me! It was all his idea! Both of you, outside the van, now.
Okay, I need a hint, a way to make something whiter or fresher.
Anything! Come on, speak to me.
HANK ( sighs ): I still can't believe Bobby cheated on his paper route.
I don't even know how to punish that.
Well, the pressures of journalism can be very intense.
Even I have felt it.
But today, I really knocked one out of the park.
Good for you.
What's the hint? Okay, get this: I combined two common items in a powerful new way.
I told my readers to harness the cleaning power of ammonia with the whitening power of bleach.
Ammonia and bleach?! You told people to mix ammonia and bleach? Only if they want bathroom fixtures that shine like the sun.
Peggy, that's the recipe for mustard gas! Arlen will be covered with a cloud of poison! PEGGY: Bwaaagh! Bobby, get up.
I'm up! The "s" in service stands for Not now, Bobby.
Don't worry, your mom screwed up this time, not you.
HANK: All right, as long as we get to the production plant before they're done printing, everything'll be okay.
Are you sure I'm making mustard gas? Yes.
My dad used to mix up a big batch of it to celebrate V-J day.
Oh, God, if that article gets out, I am going to be a laughingstock.
Peggy, there may not be anyone left to laugh.
You really think so? Oh.
I see.
That's bad.
Stop the presses! Okay, the presses are at the South County production plant.
This is where we insert the circulars and Parade magazines.
Where's today's paper? It'll be hitting the first vending boxes and homes in about, uh, 20 minutes.
I got the Lotto numbers if that's what you're after.
( sighs ) There's no way the three of us can collect every paper before somebody reads your hint.
Jim Jones.
Those guys with the purple sweats.
And Peggy Hill.
Hey, maybe there is a way to pick up all the papers.
Harv.
I don't have time to explain, but I need your help picking up every Bystander delivered this morning.
Sorry.
We ain't fit to be in the newspaper biz no more.
We're in the pizza flyer game now.
Dang it, guys-- and possibly ma'am there-- I know how you feel taken for granted some times, but you're the invisible army that brings this town the answers to the big questions: Should I wear a coat today? What will my son eat for school lunch? What time did the sun set? BOBBY: Sirs the last few days of delivering papers I've seen things I've never seen before: the sunrise, morning dew, snails on sidewalks-- things I never want to see again.
Please come back.
If you do this, you'll get to keep whatever the paper's worth at the recycling center.
Okay, we're in.
Let's go, people.
Top off your to-go cups, and remember those above-the-garage guest houses.
You think we got 'em all? We know our routes.
We got 'em.
Six tons of newspapers.
$18.
( cheering ) Yes! Well, now that Arlen's safe, what do you say we all stop at the Waffle House for some waffles? You'd better drop me at the Bystander, Hank.
I owe my readers one last column.
I almost killed them, and now I have to break their hearts.
Peggy, have you seen this morning's Bystander? No.
Nobody has.
Channel 84 must have gotten tired of being scooped and stolen them all.
Well, that's not quite the case.
I gotta hand it to them, this is a real step up from them toilet papering my lawn.
Hey, we should go tear down their antenna.
Roddy Rae, wait.
Channel 84 did not steal our papers.
I did.
I just wanted to write for the paper so bad, I didn't care where I got my ideas.
Of course, the mustard gas one was mine.
"In conclusion, I was so busy trying to figure out "how to remove the stains "that I forgot about the people who actually create them.
" Peggy, have you heard of a newspaper called The New York Times? Apparently they have a very challenging puzzle.
You think they got their facts straight all the time? No way.
Hell, half the time it seems like they're making it up as they go along.
I don't need you for facts, Peggy.
We got a fact checker for that.
Actually, I guess I got to let her go in light of this mustard gas thing, but my point is you got a nice, friendly style, and in this business, well, that's worth more than facts.
So, I'm not fired? From your "Household Hints" column, yes.
But you got a way of grabbing people's attention.
I need that.
I've been wanting to run this photo since the county fair, but no one's come up with a good caption yet.
"Woman Skirts Disaster.
" Come on, give me a hard one.
Uh, let's see "Hat's Incredible.
" "Jeepers Sweepers.
" "Pink Ink Stinks Rink.
" Hmm wait, give me a minute.
Give me a minute.
Oh, "Hold the Mayor.
" ( screams ) Ride!
Yep.
Yup.
Mm-hmm.
How do, Hank? Pretty good.
You know you already delivered my paper this morning.
Yeah, I just wanted to wish you a Merry Christmas in person, instead of leaving you some tacky store-bought card.
Well, thanks, Harv, but uh, it's April.
Yeah, normally I'd wait till December, but the Bystander's got a new owner, or should I say "new bastard.
" I prefer "new bastard," thanks.
First thing he's doing is replacing all us delivery guys with kids.
Apparently we're not the face they want for the new Bystander.
Huh.
Well, that's, um yeah.
Meanwhile, they keep taxing old Harv's cigs Okay, then.
Merry Christmas.
I can't believe they're only hiring kids.
I always dreamed of having a newspaper route.
Now my hopes have been raised and dashed in a matter of moments.
I have hopelash.
You know, a newspaper route could be great for Bobby.
He has a bike, and it could be a way to teach him to throw without scaring him with a ball.
You know, my ex-wife slept with Harv.
Couple of times.
ANNOUNCER: We hope you've enjoyed our Million Dollar Movie.
Which would have been a hundred million dollar movie had they cast Tom Cruise and Tom Hanks instead of Gary Busey.
Bobby! Good news.
All right! You're going to be a paper boy.
Yeah? Yup.
The new owner of the Bystander is bringing back old-timey paper boys.
New owners? Regime change.
Just think, you'll make $10 before the rest of Arlen even wakes up.
Oh, well, you know, I'm not really a morning person.
Well, you are now.
Sign-ups are tomorrow.
This isn't just Bobby's lucky day, it's mine, too.
The old Bystander's answer to my story ideas was always "no, no, no.
" But now that heads are rolling in that newsroom, I am throwing my head into the ring! Good for you, Peggy! And once I get a job at the paper, I won't need to keep pouring my creative juices into these DVD commentaries, that, let's be honest, no one but you was ever gonna hear.
That makes this one a collector's item.
Enjoy.
Is your dad making you get a paper route, too? I'm building character.
DALE: Hey, dude, is this where I sign up for the jizzob? Hi, Mr.
Gribble.
Gribwhat? I'm Sparky Wilson and I moved here with my mom when my dad left us Ah, dang it.
It's not fair that only kids get a paper route! Believe me, if there was any way I could trade places with you, Mr.
Gribble, I would.
Hmm what if my want of a paper route joined up with your un-want? You sign up, I do all the work.
I don't know.
If I'm still in bed when my dad gets up, he's going to know there's something going on.
Ah once again your dad does present a problem.
Ah Hey, you could sleep in the Bugabago during the route.
I've got a cot back there for marsupial stake-outs.
Well I'm not sure Fine.
Enjoy your nice, cold, dark bike ride.
Hey, you, bird-chest-- interested in a deal? Wait! I'm in.
Yes! Dude, I am totally stoked! ( screaming ) Rad! What do you think, Hank? For my interview with the managing editor I decided to go with my Knock 'Em Dead shirt.
Good choice.
Wow-- you'll write the paper, Bobby'll toss it on our stoop, and Ladybird will bring it to me.
( sighs ) Here we go.
His and hers copies of New York Times.
You ready for crossword competition? Go! Yeah! PEGGY: Oh, for God's sake! Un-freakin'-believable! Hey! Peggy Hill, pipe down! We trying to match wits over here.
But I have got a major job interview, and I just spilled coffee all over my blouse.
Oh, a stain? That what you caterwauling about? Remove it.
If I knew how to get a huge coffee stain out of silk, I would do it.
But I do not.
Mmm, a housewife that can't clean.
What exactly does Hank Hill keep you around for? This.
I live the life of the mind, Minh.
I am a thinker, a writer.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever.
Just soak stain in lime juice, dab gently, and quit your hollering.
Well, I do not have time for soaking and dabbing.
I'm going to have to change into my funeral shirt.
Hmm so I see you didn't go to J school.
I like that.
Not only did I not go to J school, I don't even know what it is.
It's journalism school-- but that's all you need to know about it.
I'm looking for people who have a homespun wisdom that can only come from living a real life.
A realer life than mine you would be hard-pressed to find, sir.
Well, that's dandy.
I'll tell you what our readers would love: a "Helpful Hints" column.
Care to take a whack at it? "Helpful Hints?" Like who to vote for? Great books to read? How to think? Oh, no, no, nothing like that.
I'm talking about household hints.
You know, getting rid of mildew, treating stains I have a feeling you'd knock it out of the park.
And from there, there's no telling how far you could go at this paper.
Mr.
Biffel, would you believe that just minutes before this interview, I had a huge coffee stain on my blouse? I was lost until I thought about a little saying my pappy used to tell me: Soak it in lime juice.
That's exactly the kind of gem I'm looking for! Hey, do you know how to get newspaper ink out of a white shirt? Of course I do.
( nervous laughter) But you'll have to wait till tomorrow to read all about it! MINH: Time out! KAHN: Pens down! Minh, I was just thinking about that great hint we were chatting about this morning you know, the lime juice on the coffee stain.
Delightful.
Now, do you have any other ones? Oh, sure, my mother-in-law, Laoma, loves to tell me how to clean my house better.
She has this way of scrubbing grout Hmmm, I smell desperation.
What's the matter, you've got to clean Jethro's overalls before he come back from still? Ha-ha.
Minh great, Peggy bad.
Look, I've got a household hints column in the Bystander and I don't know any.
Help me-- I will give you whatever you want.
I need nine-letter word for sub-atomic particle discoverer! You got that?! Wait, I do.
The Bystander has access to every paper's puzzle answers a day early.
Mm-hmm.
Now, I have to write this column five days a week, so you have to keep the pipeline open.
I don't know that's going to mean talking to mother-in-law an awful lot.
KAHN: Minh, where are you? You can run, but you cannot hide from my superior vocabulary! I want Sunday answers, too, and tomorrow's weather.
I be like God.
( yawns ) ( horn honks ) You can move that bag of rats.
Or use it as a pillow.
( whistling ) ( grunting ) Uh, Bobby? A little help? It is so great to be trembling from excitement instead of fear, eh? ( snoring ) Yes! ( moaning ) ( screaming ) Uh huh? Well, steering works! MAN: Looks like someone turned in their first column, eh? Oh, you're Bob Jenkins, the "Eye on Arlen.
" I'm Peggy I'll learn your name if I read it in the Bystander.
Just so you know, I used to be "Eyes on Arlen" till Roddy Rae read my first piece and threw it right back into my face.
Had a staple in it.
He's just kidding ya.
He had a brain tumor and had to have his eye taken out.
Oh, that's a relief.
I'm a little nervous.
Roddy Rae took my column into the men's room.
Is that good or bad? Mmm-mm, depends.
If he comes out holding it, good news.
If he's empty handed, well ( toilet flushing ) Won't be long now.
Peggy, congratulations.
This calls for a drink at The Life Boat.
New person buys.
( country playing ) ( people chattering ) PEGGY: Oh, my God, there's Channel 84's Burl Arlington.
Oh, look, the mannequin convention is in town.
Hey, Burl, let's see if you can order a drink without using a TelePrompTer.
( laughter ) You're doing a great job, Jenkins.
I can't wait to wake up tomorrow to find out what happened today.
( laughter ) Peggy? What are you doing here? I am writing for the Bystander, but I have to tell you, I do not know if I can keep up with these barbs.
Oh, Sug, you got to show 'em you can dish it out or they'll eat you alive.
Would you do me a favor? Could you just toss a friendly little insult my way so I can get into the game? Sure, Sug, leave it to me.
Congratulations on the new column, Peggy.
I'm sure all seven of the Bystander's readers will love it.
Take that, you bleached-out tramp! ( gasps, oohing ) ( whispers ): Thank you.
13, 14 and two for the Great State of Taxes.
'Scuse me.
( low growl ) Scab! Scab! He's the kid who took all our jobs! Aah! Mr.
Gribble! ( pants deeply ) ( coughs ) ( sighs ) ( groans ): Wha? What time is it? 10:30 in the a.
m.
What a day.
I was supposed to be at school at 8:15.
I missed my science test.
Why do we have all these extra papers? Huh.
I don't know.
Who cares.
I'm tired.
Mr.
Gribble, my name's on this route.
We have to deliver these papers.
Whatever you say, Hank.
Boy, last night Bobby reached for a dinner roll and I think I saw a muscle in his throwing arm.
Yeah, man, well, I don't want to kill that dang ol' buzz, man, but I tell you what, that little boy throws like them dang ol' Drifters, man.
Talking 'bout, dang ol' "Up On The Roof.
" I also found my paper on Boomhauer's roof.
Huh, I'll have to work with Bobby on his toss mechanics.
It's not easy being a paper boy, Hank! You know, I've been getting a lot of complaints about your throwing accuracy.
You do know you're right-handed, don't you? I'll work on it, Dad.
You're Peggy Hill.
I recognize you from your picture.
And I recognize you as a fan.
I loved your article last Friday.
I went right out and put seaweed on the oil on my driveway.
Peggy, you saved my driveway and my marriage.
Yeah, I never heard about that seaweed thing before.
Where'd you come up with that? Hank, I want to talk about our marriage.
( chuckles ) I agree, Laoma, nothing good enough for your little Kahn.
That's why I would so appreciate you telling me how I might remove a lipstick stain from his shirt.
Here are tomorrow's answers, including a 15-letter Shakespearean palindrome.
I'm gonna fill that one in last, pretend like it really stumping me.
Oh, yes, Laoma, I'm still here.
Oh, yes, I did hear you say my lipstick remind you of Bangkok circus clown.
No, I'm not taking a tone.
I really do value your tips to make myself look less freakish.
Okay, now that was uncalled for, you ngo kao khwa'ai paa.
Oh, no, no-- don't call her a ngo kao khwa'ai paa.
Yeah, well you know that couch you sleep on when you stay here? It pull out.
( speaking Laotian ) No more tips.
What?! Well, she can't cut us off! What am I going to do for my next column?! Sorry, guess you're on your own.
Hey, maybe something about turning corn cobs into pipes? ( groans ) Ah, the tyranny of the blank screen.
Writer's block, eh? When I get writer's block I drink five cups of coffee, eat five candy bars and cross my fingers.
This may or may not help, but when I get writer's block, I buy a prostitute.
( groaning ) ( yawns ) Dale, wake up.
Wha? Oh, morning, Hank.
I must've dozed off.
( moans ): Just five more minutes, Mr.
Gribble.
Bobby? Dad?! Mr.
Gribble, did you fall asleep? Uh, yes.
And Bobby must have climbed in the back of my van with his bike and papers.
( chuckles nervously ) He made me do it! He has some kind of mystical hold on me! It was all his idea! Both of you, outside the van, now.
Okay, I need a hint, a way to make something whiter or fresher.
Anything! Come on, speak to me.
HANK ( sighs ): I still can't believe Bobby cheated on his paper route.
I don't even know how to punish that.
Well, the pressures of journalism can be very intense.
Even I have felt it.
But today, I really knocked one out of the park.
Good for you.
What's the hint? Okay, get this: I combined two common items in a powerful new way.
I told my readers to harness the cleaning power of ammonia with the whitening power of bleach.
Ammonia and bleach?! You told people to mix ammonia and bleach? Only if they want bathroom fixtures that shine like the sun.
Peggy, that's the recipe for mustard gas! Arlen will be covered with a cloud of poison! PEGGY: Bwaaagh! Bobby, get up.
I'm up! The "s" in service stands for Not now, Bobby.
Don't worry, your mom screwed up this time, not you.
HANK: All right, as long as we get to the production plant before they're done printing, everything'll be okay.
Are you sure I'm making mustard gas? Yes.
My dad used to mix up a big batch of it to celebrate V-J day.
Oh, God, if that article gets out, I am going to be a laughingstock.
Peggy, there may not be anyone left to laugh.
You really think so? Oh.
I see.
That's bad.
Stop the presses! Okay, the presses are at the South County production plant.
This is where we insert the circulars and Parade magazines.
Where's today's paper? It'll be hitting the first vending boxes and homes in about, uh, 20 minutes.
I got the Lotto numbers if that's what you're after.
( sighs ) There's no way the three of us can collect every paper before somebody reads your hint.
Jim Jones.
Those guys with the purple sweats.
And Peggy Hill.
Hey, maybe there is a way to pick up all the papers.
Harv.
I don't have time to explain, but I need your help picking up every Bystander delivered this morning.
Sorry.
We ain't fit to be in the newspaper biz no more.
We're in the pizza flyer game now.
Dang it, guys-- and possibly ma'am there-- I know how you feel taken for granted some times, but you're the invisible army that brings this town the answers to the big questions: Should I wear a coat today? What will my son eat for school lunch? What time did the sun set? BOBBY: Sirs the last few days of delivering papers I've seen things I've never seen before: the sunrise, morning dew, snails on sidewalks-- things I never want to see again.
Please come back.
If you do this, you'll get to keep whatever the paper's worth at the recycling center.
Okay, we're in.
Let's go, people.
Top off your to-go cups, and remember those above-the-garage guest houses.
You think we got 'em all? We know our routes.
We got 'em.
Six tons of newspapers.
$18.
( cheering ) Yes! Well, now that Arlen's safe, what do you say we all stop at the Waffle House for some waffles? You'd better drop me at the Bystander, Hank.
I owe my readers one last column.
I almost killed them, and now I have to break their hearts.
Peggy, have you seen this morning's Bystander? No.
Nobody has.
Channel 84 must have gotten tired of being scooped and stolen them all.
Well, that's not quite the case.
I gotta hand it to them, this is a real step up from them toilet papering my lawn.
Hey, we should go tear down their antenna.
Roddy Rae, wait.
Channel 84 did not steal our papers.
I did.
I just wanted to write for the paper so bad, I didn't care where I got my ideas.
Of course, the mustard gas one was mine.
"In conclusion, I was so busy trying to figure out "how to remove the stains "that I forgot about the people who actually create them.
" Peggy, have you heard of a newspaper called The New York Times? Apparently they have a very challenging puzzle.
You think they got their facts straight all the time? No way.
Hell, half the time it seems like they're making it up as they go along.
I don't need you for facts, Peggy.
We got a fact checker for that.
Actually, I guess I got to let her go in light of this mustard gas thing, but my point is you got a nice, friendly style, and in this business, well, that's worth more than facts.
So, I'm not fired? From your "Household Hints" column, yes.
But you got a way of grabbing people's attention.
I need that.
I've been wanting to run this photo since the county fair, but no one's come up with a good caption yet.
"Woman Skirts Disaster.
" Come on, give me a hard one.
Uh, let's see "Hat's Incredible.
" "Jeepers Sweepers.
" "Pink Ink Stinks Rink.
" Hmm wait, give me a minute.
Give me a minute.
Oh, "Hold the Mayor.
" ( screams ) Ride!