Last of the Summer Wine (1973) s10e02 Episode Script
LLCK102B - The Treasure Of The Deep
Makes one believe there MUST be someone behind all this.
There's him.
He's WAY behind.
No! Look at him - he looks like Oxfam's waste-bin.
Come on, lad! You mustn't be late without a note from your parents.
Just hold tha water, Evadne! These are not uphill wellies, these are DOWN-hill wellies! Are you too idle to enjoy a little exercise? .
.
He is.
He's too idle.
Long as he can raise a pint, he thinks he's fit.
Listen! I am programmed to lie in bed.
Call it destiny.
Call it what you like.
I call it sheer, disgusting bone-idleness.
That's a fair description.
Oh, look at Clegg staring out so thoughtfully.
He knows how to appreciate moments like this.
I was wondering if Atkinson's would have any fruit loaf left.
Oh, ye gods! Who's teacher's pet, then? Walls.
I hate to see morons defacing walls! Schoolboys write things in toilets you wouldn't believe.
But you try setting them an essay.
An entire generation literate only on walls.
I think it was a mistake to have obscene words of only four letters.
I meanif rude words had a compulsory minimum of eight letters, most of your graffiti freaks would have to retire overnight.
Quite true! You can't get 'em to use a dictionary.
Trouble is, it won't come off.
Mm.
There were one or two places I had to stand a fat boy on Parents' Day.
Aagh! SPLASH! Where is he? For somebody his size, it's a long way up.
It's time he was up! The story of his life.
His wellies - they'll be filled with water, holding him down! He hasn't come up yet! Excuse me! Aren't you a bit old for canal swimming(?) YoulittleSWINE! That'll teach thee not to jump to conclusions! I'll jump on YOU! Good God, man! Put it down to experience.
And just remember in future, not every splash means some pillock has fallen in! I'm never going in again! Again?! Tha never went in this time.
Ha ha! It was damn close, though.
I could feel myself drowning.
I could seeme own funeral.
It was a gorgeous day and I was thinking, "Well, that's typical, isn't it? "Why the hell can't it be raining?" I don't know why you're getting your knickers in a twist.
I never let thee fall in.
Ignore him.
What's the matter? Lost tha sense of humour? Ignore him.
Ignore who? Can't you take a joke? Aaa-aaagh! SPLASH! SEYMOUR AND CLEGG LAUGH Get me out! Will you get me OUT?! What's wrong? Lost your sense of humour? COMPO'S WELLIES SQUELCH Cat got your tongue, has it? See if I care! Who's he think he is, not speaking to people? Gets a bath and there's no living with him! I bet it's ruined me jacket.
Going to match your trousers, then.
Ah.
I'll admit they were past it.
They weren't fit to pass anybody! What you needed was a heated rear window.
I'll tell thee where it was real chilly.
Oh, please don't go into details! In that damn canal! Hey up, Eli! MUTTERS Stick with this machine, Eli.
Don't leave it.
Keep hold of it.
I hate this job! It gets trickier every week! I used to feel like that when I got engaged.
CLUNK! CLUNK! CLUNK! Hey up, that's mine! Someone's knocking at the door! What the dickens have you done now? I never touched it! I prefer drying things on a clothes horse.
Get the door! I daren't move! Is there something in your pockets? Heck, I hope it's not my ferrets! It's as complicated a machine as I can cope with - a clothes horse.
Out of the way! Let me get to this machine! You shouldn't leave stuff in your pockets! His pockets run for miles through the linings.
Oh, look at him It's a potholers paradise.
What is it? It's an item that shouldn't be left in your pocket.
I didn't put it in there! What IS it? It looks like somebody's hand! Ohh! It's definitely not mine.
It looks like silver.
It could be.
Ohquicksilver.
You must have got it in the canal.
And put it in me pocket?! Your hands are always in your pocket.
Not when I'm drowning.
I can't believe that even while drowning you decided to smarten yourself up.
He's a real pillock, Norm! I mean, do people grab things in panic? Of course they do! They must do.
Otherwise it's impossible to understand how Gordon Hemingway ended up with Mrs Gordon Hemingway.
True.
What else did you feel in the canal? Chilly.
And I still feel chilly.
How would you feel waking up next to Mrs Gordon Hemingway? You'd get used to it.
That's a chilling thing to hear.
It's part of a silver candlestick.
I should say early Georgian showing continental influence.
There's probably more of that stuff down there.
Oh, jolly hockey-sticks(!) Somebody else can go down there! Now, don't be obstructive.
You know where it is.
Bog off! Language! And off them tables! What the blood and stomach pills is he wearing now?! Oh, he's, er He's just walking it for a friend.
Me other stuff's in the wash.
Well, I'm not complaining about that, but Oh, dear me! Just what I need my customers to see(!) Talk about cafe society! I'm decent! I'll never know if they're coming in for tea or a look at the lunatics! You want me to take it off? Oh! You made an impression there.
It's me personality, Norm.
I thought you were chilly.
I am.
Then keep wrapped up! Do you know what the Health Inspector would do if he saw cold meat on display without a cover on? Now, let's have you served and out! ALL: # There'll be a welcome in the hillside # Orders, please! He'd like something warm.
A single to Saudi Arabia(?) Oh, I could go for that - being an oil shriek.
Six wives and four camels Phwaar! Lovely, that.
Lovely! His problem would be how to pick the women out from the camels.
That's easy.
You look for the ones that can go for days without water.
Sounds like me mam.
She were on milk stout.
Get them down yer and go! # There'll be a welcome in the hillside # There'll be a welcome in the dale # Oh, my God! I think it's brilliant, Howard.
(You're a GENIUS!) Oh, I wouldn't go as far as GENIUS.
You were absolutely right.
Nobody'll ever recognise us dressed in this lot.
Including me.
It just came to me one night in bed.
Which is more than I've ever done.
I'm working on it.
You keep saying that.
I've got it all planned.
OhHoward! Don't rock the boat! Tell me HOW we're going to get away, Howard.
Well, once Pearl's grown used to the idea of me as a fisherman Yes, Howard? Once she's accepted this new sporting image Oh, God Not THAT long, Howard.
It won't BE that long.
I've got it planned.
I make sure she sees me handling maggots without flinching.
Can you do that, Howard? Nearly.
If we get away for a nightI want you to promise me something, Howard.
Anything.
You will wash your hands, won't you, Howard? That is, IF we ever get away.
We'll get away! Once she's accepted me as Howard the Hunter, fanatical in pursuit of his prey, I shall tell her I'm taking up NIGHT fishing.
Night fishing! Ooh, Howard! Don't rock the boat! You can see what's happened.
Oh, yes, I can.
I'm warm and dry and I'm going to stay that way! It's perfectly clear The thieves came FLEEING over the bridge.
What thieves? Well, I can't give you their names and numbers.
The thieves, whoever they were, probably in a panic.
Well, that makes a change from a Transit.
Thieves these days are often in an old Ford Transit.
Apparently, it's an ideal thieving vehicle.
Er, I don't think Ford actually offer a complete thieving pack I'm not suggesting it's one of their options.
Oh, dearie, dearie me! Obviously, the thieves came fleeing to the bridge! It'd be dark.
It's a quiet spot.
There'd just be this one splash.
One splash? Yes.
One splash.
Why? Did one of 'em fall in? No, you backward boy! The loot! Now do you understand? I'm not thick! Don't exaggerate! I've just one problem! What's that? Why does the loot go in the water? Ohh! He must have been a right butterfingers! Didn't he keep wicket for the Second XI? Shut up! Shut up! It didn't FALL in.
They dropped it deliberately, to hide it till the heat cools off! Listen, Ada, EVERYTHING cools off down there! It's a superb hiding place! And WE only found it by chance! We?! I don't remember anybody else down there! What's all this "we"? The point is to remember exactly whereYOU found it.
At least you know it's under the water.
You don't have to waste your time on top.
I'm not going back in there again! We must make sure of our facts before we report it.
I am NOT going back in there again! There could be some important silver down there.
The owners are going to be VERY grateful.
Oh, this could be my introduction to the county set.
I could get you odd jobs.
You'd like doing odd jobs round the stately homes, wouldn't you? DOORBELL RINGS Is that you ringing my? What ARE you doing in a grown-up raincoat? Because of our special relationship I want thee to be the first to see what I am wearing underneath.
Don't you DARE unbutton a raincoat at me! So that's how you get a plastic bucket?! Drowning would be easier! I'm going to be in trouble.
She'll want her bucket back in one piece.
When she gets it back like that, maybe she'll stop throwing buckets at you.
I'm thinking you're right.
How easy it is for some big twit to put his boot right through your love life.
Stop moaning, man.
Ohh I'm going to miss her throwing that bucket at me.
Basically, you're just a romantic fool.
Aye, I am, Norm.
Well, you're not dressed for it.
It's like a Valentine.
I got it regular every year.
Delivered by hand.
She'll get it back.
Wi' no bottom?! That's going to bring a smile to her cheeks(!) She'll get a glass bottom in it.
Much more attractive than plastic.
Not when she's throwing it at me! Oh, try and cut a perfect circle, Wesley.
We don't want any ragged edges.
Look, Seymour, I'm not your hi-tech Star Trek computer factory! I just potter about with a few cars! What do you think this is? Houston Space Control?! You see what I mean? You ask for precision and they go to pieces.
Give it here! Do you mind?! I was the one that got the bucket! D'you know what you're looking for? Expert on Georgian silver, are we? I know I'm a terrible sailor, but are you sure it's not any rougher? On a canal? How can it get rougher? Well, how come I'm feeling seasick? Ye gods, man! It's as flat as a POND! Well, I'm not too good on ponds either.
Hey up! I see something! Oh Let me see, let me see! Will you get off?! What is it? Hang on a minute Ah! It is! It is! What? An old mattress.
Who'd come here to dump old mattresses?! ALL: Aaagh! COMPO'S WELLIES SQUELCH I'm not going in.
Oh, of COURSE you're not going in.
Wesley's promised to bring you something which'll keep you dry.
I'm still not going IN! We've just BEEN through all this! He's not listening! There's a lot of it about.
Here they come now.
What is it? Just you wait till Wesley is ready to show it to you.
It's a UEV.
It's a WHAT?! It's an Underwater Exploration Vehicle.
The last challenge facing man, remember.
It's two old oil drums welded together.
.
.
Ow! I'm NOT going in that! Oh, there's gratitude for you.
You didn't want to go in the water.
We get you this SUPERB alternative and still you're not satisfied.
Correct.
I'm still not satisfied! Why me? Why me? Because it's been calculated for your size.
Wesley has tailored it personally just for you.
Wesley's a prawn! You seen his cars? They work! Me cars work! Well, yesfor a prawn.
You'll be all right once you get inside.
It's very ingenious.
There's a steering device And pedalsyou can work it with.
Oh.
A subma-bicycle.
And there's a snorkel-cum-periscope you can put up.
Aw, that's clever! Well? Let Barry do it.
He's about my size.
I'm not! I'm nowhere NEAR your size! Even to a casual observer I'm nowhere near your size! He's dead keen! He works in building societies.
They're not allowed to be adventurous.
This kind of thing needs a freer spirit! Bog off! Oh, freer than that! Just try it for size.
And you'll see it's a perfect fit.
I'm not staying in if I don't like it.
You don't HAVE to stay in.
You're just trying it for size.
There now! Isn't that comfortable? .
.
Can you hear me? Get stuffed! I'm pretty sure he could hear you.
Just tap on the hull if you want to come out.
Ah, he'd be quite comfortable in there, I think.
It gets so difficult to find places where you can really bealone.
I know.
But I think you've cracked it here, Howard.
I have, haven't I? It's sheer genius! If only we had a bigger boat If only Still As long as we're alone Oh, my God! It's Pearl in a submarine! Anything to report? I've just sunk Howard and Marina! Ah.
Carry on.
Aye, aye, SIR! What are we all searching for, anyway? We're looking for Georgian silver.
Georgian silver? Yes.
From a silver candlestick.
It's from a lavatory ballcock, you twit! Ah, yes, but with strong continental influences.
You stupid gets! I'll get you! SPLUTTERS
There's him.
He's WAY behind.
No! Look at him - he looks like Oxfam's waste-bin.
Come on, lad! You mustn't be late without a note from your parents.
Just hold tha water, Evadne! These are not uphill wellies, these are DOWN-hill wellies! Are you too idle to enjoy a little exercise? .
.
He is.
He's too idle.
Long as he can raise a pint, he thinks he's fit.
Listen! I am programmed to lie in bed.
Call it destiny.
Call it what you like.
I call it sheer, disgusting bone-idleness.
That's a fair description.
Oh, look at Clegg staring out so thoughtfully.
He knows how to appreciate moments like this.
I was wondering if Atkinson's would have any fruit loaf left.
Oh, ye gods! Who's teacher's pet, then? Walls.
I hate to see morons defacing walls! Schoolboys write things in toilets you wouldn't believe.
But you try setting them an essay.
An entire generation literate only on walls.
I think it was a mistake to have obscene words of only four letters.
I meanif rude words had a compulsory minimum of eight letters, most of your graffiti freaks would have to retire overnight.
Quite true! You can't get 'em to use a dictionary.
Trouble is, it won't come off.
Mm.
There were one or two places I had to stand a fat boy on Parents' Day.
Aagh! SPLASH! Where is he? For somebody his size, it's a long way up.
It's time he was up! The story of his life.
His wellies - they'll be filled with water, holding him down! He hasn't come up yet! Excuse me! Aren't you a bit old for canal swimming(?) YoulittleSWINE! That'll teach thee not to jump to conclusions! I'll jump on YOU! Good God, man! Put it down to experience.
And just remember in future, not every splash means some pillock has fallen in! I'm never going in again! Again?! Tha never went in this time.
Ha ha! It was damn close, though.
I could feel myself drowning.
I could seeme own funeral.
It was a gorgeous day and I was thinking, "Well, that's typical, isn't it? "Why the hell can't it be raining?" I don't know why you're getting your knickers in a twist.
I never let thee fall in.
Ignore him.
What's the matter? Lost tha sense of humour? Ignore him.
Ignore who? Can't you take a joke? Aaa-aaagh! SPLASH! SEYMOUR AND CLEGG LAUGH Get me out! Will you get me OUT?! What's wrong? Lost your sense of humour? COMPO'S WELLIES SQUELCH Cat got your tongue, has it? See if I care! Who's he think he is, not speaking to people? Gets a bath and there's no living with him! I bet it's ruined me jacket.
Going to match your trousers, then.
Ah.
I'll admit they were past it.
They weren't fit to pass anybody! What you needed was a heated rear window.
I'll tell thee where it was real chilly.
Oh, please don't go into details! In that damn canal! Hey up, Eli! MUTTERS Stick with this machine, Eli.
Don't leave it.
Keep hold of it.
I hate this job! It gets trickier every week! I used to feel like that when I got engaged.
CLUNK! CLUNK! CLUNK! Hey up, that's mine! Someone's knocking at the door! What the dickens have you done now? I never touched it! I prefer drying things on a clothes horse.
Get the door! I daren't move! Is there something in your pockets? Heck, I hope it's not my ferrets! It's as complicated a machine as I can cope with - a clothes horse.
Out of the way! Let me get to this machine! You shouldn't leave stuff in your pockets! His pockets run for miles through the linings.
Oh, look at him It's a potholers paradise.
What is it? It's an item that shouldn't be left in your pocket.
I didn't put it in there! What IS it? It looks like somebody's hand! Ohh! It's definitely not mine.
It looks like silver.
It could be.
Ohquicksilver.
You must have got it in the canal.
And put it in me pocket?! Your hands are always in your pocket.
Not when I'm drowning.
I can't believe that even while drowning you decided to smarten yourself up.
He's a real pillock, Norm! I mean, do people grab things in panic? Of course they do! They must do.
Otherwise it's impossible to understand how Gordon Hemingway ended up with Mrs Gordon Hemingway.
True.
What else did you feel in the canal? Chilly.
And I still feel chilly.
How would you feel waking up next to Mrs Gordon Hemingway? You'd get used to it.
That's a chilling thing to hear.
It's part of a silver candlestick.
I should say early Georgian showing continental influence.
There's probably more of that stuff down there.
Oh, jolly hockey-sticks(!) Somebody else can go down there! Now, don't be obstructive.
You know where it is.
Bog off! Language! And off them tables! What the blood and stomach pills is he wearing now?! Oh, he's, er He's just walking it for a friend.
Me other stuff's in the wash.
Well, I'm not complaining about that, but Oh, dear me! Just what I need my customers to see(!) Talk about cafe society! I'm decent! I'll never know if they're coming in for tea or a look at the lunatics! You want me to take it off? Oh! You made an impression there.
It's me personality, Norm.
I thought you were chilly.
I am.
Then keep wrapped up! Do you know what the Health Inspector would do if he saw cold meat on display without a cover on? Now, let's have you served and out! ALL: # There'll be a welcome in the hillside # Orders, please! He'd like something warm.
A single to Saudi Arabia(?) Oh, I could go for that - being an oil shriek.
Six wives and four camels Phwaar! Lovely, that.
Lovely! His problem would be how to pick the women out from the camels.
That's easy.
You look for the ones that can go for days without water.
Sounds like me mam.
She were on milk stout.
Get them down yer and go! # There'll be a welcome in the hillside # There'll be a welcome in the dale # Oh, my God! I think it's brilliant, Howard.
(You're a GENIUS!) Oh, I wouldn't go as far as GENIUS.
You were absolutely right.
Nobody'll ever recognise us dressed in this lot.
Including me.
It just came to me one night in bed.
Which is more than I've ever done.
I'm working on it.
You keep saying that.
I've got it all planned.
OhHoward! Don't rock the boat! Tell me HOW we're going to get away, Howard.
Well, once Pearl's grown used to the idea of me as a fisherman Yes, Howard? Once she's accepted this new sporting image Oh, God Not THAT long, Howard.
It won't BE that long.
I've got it planned.
I make sure she sees me handling maggots without flinching.
Can you do that, Howard? Nearly.
If we get away for a nightI want you to promise me something, Howard.
Anything.
You will wash your hands, won't you, Howard? That is, IF we ever get away.
We'll get away! Once she's accepted me as Howard the Hunter, fanatical in pursuit of his prey, I shall tell her I'm taking up NIGHT fishing.
Night fishing! Ooh, Howard! Don't rock the boat! You can see what's happened.
Oh, yes, I can.
I'm warm and dry and I'm going to stay that way! It's perfectly clear The thieves came FLEEING over the bridge.
What thieves? Well, I can't give you their names and numbers.
The thieves, whoever they were, probably in a panic.
Well, that makes a change from a Transit.
Thieves these days are often in an old Ford Transit.
Apparently, it's an ideal thieving vehicle.
Er, I don't think Ford actually offer a complete thieving pack I'm not suggesting it's one of their options.
Oh, dearie, dearie me! Obviously, the thieves came fleeing to the bridge! It'd be dark.
It's a quiet spot.
There'd just be this one splash.
One splash? Yes.
One splash.
Why? Did one of 'em fall in? No, you backward boy! The loot! Now do you understand? I'm not thick! Don't exaggerate! I've just one problem! What's that? Why does the loot go in the water? Ohh! He must have been a right butterfingers! Didn't he keep wicket for the Second XI? Shut up! Shut up! It didn't FALL in.
They dropped it deliberately, to hide it till the heat cools off! Listen, Ada, EVERYTHING cools off down there! It's a superb hiding place! And WE only found it by chance! We?! I don't remember anybody else down there! What's all this "we"? The point is to remember exactly whereYOU found it.
At least you know it's under the water.
You don't have to waste your time on top.
I'm not going back in there again! We must make sure of our facts before we report it.
I am NOT going back in there again! There could be some important silver down there.
The owners are going to be VERY grateful.
Oh, this could be my introduction to the county set.
I could get you odd jobs.
You'd like doing odd jobs round the stately homes, wouldn't you? DOORBELL RINGS Is that you ringing my? What ARE you doing in a grown-up raincoat? Because of our special relationship I want thee to be the first to see what I am wearing underneath.
Don't you DARE unbutton a raincoat at me! So that's how you get a plastic bucket?! Drowning would be easier! I'm going to be in trouble.
She'll want her bucket back in one piece.
When she gets it back like that, maybe she'll stop throwing buckets at you.
I'm thinking you're right.
How easy it is for some big twit to put his boot right through your love life.
Stop moaning, man.
Ohh I'm going to miss her throwing that bucket at me.
Basically, you're just a romantic fool.
Aye, I am, Norm.
Well, you're not dressed for it.
It's like a Valentine.
I got it regular every year.
Delivered by hand.
She'll get it back.
Wi' no bottom?! That's going to bring a smile to her cheeks(!) She'll get a glass bottom in it.
Much more attractive than plastic.
Not when she's throwing it at me! Oh, try and cut a perfect circle, Wesley.
We don't want any ragged edges.
Look, Seymour, I'm not your hi-tech Star Trek computer factory! I just potter about with a few cars! What do you think this is? Houston Space Control?! You see what I mean? You ask for precision and they go to pieces.
Give it here! Do you mind?! I was the one that got the bucket! D'you know what you're looking for? Expert on Georgian silver, are we? I know I'm a terrible sailor, but are you sure it's not any rougher? On a canal? How can it get rougher? Well, how come I'm feeling seasick? Ye gods, man! It's as flat as a POND! Well, I'm not too good on ponds either.
Hey up! I see something! Oh Let me see, let me see! Will you get off?! What is it? Hang on a minute Ah! It is! It is! What? An old mattress.
Who'd come here to dump old mattresses?! ALL: Aaagh! COMPO'S WELLIES SQUELCH I'm not going in.
Oh, of COURSE you're not going in.
Wesley's promised to bring you something which'll keep you dry.
I'm still not going IN! We've just BEEN through all this! He's not listening! There's a lot of it about.
Here they come now.
What is it? Just you wait till Wesley is ready to show it to you.
It's a UEV.
It's a WHAT?! It's an Underwater Exploration Vehicle.
The last challenge facing man, remember.
It's two old oil drums welded together.
.
.
Ow! I'm NOT going in that! Oh, there's gratitude for you.
You didn't want to go in the water.
We get you this SUPERB alternative and still you're not satisfied.
Correct.
I'm still not satisfied! Why me? Why me? Because it's been calculated for your size.
Wesley has tailored it personally just for you.
Wesley's a prawn! You seen his cars? They work! Me cars work! Well, yesfor a prawn.
You'll be all right once you get inside.
It's very ingenious.
There's a steering device And pedalsyou can work it with.
Oh.
A subma-bicycle.
And there's a snorkel-cum-periscope you can put up.
Aw, that's clever! Well? Let Barry do it.
He's about my size.
I'm not! I'm nowhere NEAR your size! Even to a casual observer I'm nowhere near your size! He's dead keen! He works in building societies.
They're not allowed to be adventurous.
This kind of thing needs a freer spirit! Bog off! Oh, freer than that! Just try it for size.
And you'll see it's a perfect fit.
I'm not staying in if I don't like it.
You don't HAVE to stay in.
You're just trying it for size.
There now! Isn't that comfortable? .
.
Can you hear me? Get stuffed! I'm pretty sure he could hear you.
Just tap on the hull if you want to come out.
Ah, he'd be quite comfortable in there, I think.
It gets so difficult to find places where you can really bealone.
I know.
But I think you've cracked it here, Howard.
I have, haven't I? It's sheer genius! If only we had a bigger boat If only Still As long as we're alone Oh, my God! It's Pearl in a submarine! Anything to report? I've just sunk Howard and Marina! Ah.
Carry on.
Aye, aye, SIR! What are we all searching for, anyway? We're looking for Georgian silver.
Georgian silver? Yes.
From a silver candlestick.
It's from a lavatory ballcock, you twit! Ah, yes, but with strong continental influences.
You stupid gets! I'll get you! SPLUTTERS