Roseanne s10e02 Episode Script

1 [WHISPERING.]
What the hell? Shh! [WHISPERING.]
Don't spook it.
That's the great North American bottom-heavy white wino.
It appears to be doing some sort of cleaning ritual.
[LOUDER.]
I hear they only do this every ten years when they really need something.
Yeah, I need to get ten years of Cheeto dust off this table.
Great, now our cold drinks will be sitting directly on the wood.
Come on.
Andrea's coming over tomorrow.
You guys could blow $50,000 for me if she decides not to use me as a surrogate.
Could you please put away anything you got free with a tank of gas? Oh, I see what you're doing, Becky.
You don't want her to think we're poor white trash.
You know what would help that? Don't have a yard sale in your uterus.
DARLENE: Are you sure you want her to come here? She wants to meet you guys.
She has questions about our family history.
Ohh! We have a family history? Mother, have you been keeping our glorious heritage from us? Yeah.
All of your relatives died from alcoholism.
The ones that didn't drink were killed by the ones who did.
What are you doing with my pictures? I don't want her to think obesity runs in our family.
So, I'm getting rid of the ones where you guys were fat.
Those are the only ones where we look happy! Also, remember I told her I'm 33 and I'm the baby of the family.
Oh, I love this game.
If you're 33, can I be an astronaut? You live with Mom and Dad.
You can't even escape the gravitational pull of this house.
And by the way, I look 33.
Yeah, the only reason you look younger than me is 'cause you're embalmed in Mike's Hard Lemonade.
Where have you been? All the bathrooms were ocupado, so I had to "urinado" behind the casa.
Gross.
Why couldn't you wait? Because I realized I'm old and I can do whatever I want.
Besides, it was kind of nice out there.
You breathe in the fresh air [INHALES DEEPLY.]
get close to nature, wave to the neighbors with my free hand.
Oh, good job, Dad.
We finally got our red dot on the sex offenders map.
Please don't be like this tomorrow.
I know you've all seen normal people.
Can you pick one and act like that? Hey, everybody.
Tomorrow's the first day at my new school.
How does this look? Aw, you look great, buddy.
I feel like it's kind of plain, like it needs something.
Yeah.
Fast shoes and a head start.
[DAN AND ROSEANNE LAUGHING.]
"Roseanne" is taped in front of a live audience.
First day at my old alma ma'.
[CHANTING.]
Lanford High! So am I! If you've got spirit hope you die! Go smoke by the river! Oh, my God.
Listen, here's how you get through Lanford High.
Laugh at everything Miss Cunningham says, ask Mr.
Skinner about the Cubs, and tell Miss Rogers that you love Bananarama.
Wait a second.
These teachers are probably all dead.
Well, thanks for the pep talk.
I think I'm good.
Wait, so you're not nervous? Do you need a hug or anything? No.
Do you? Yeah, I kinda do.
- You worried about Mark? - A little.
Mm.
I miss when you guys were at the same school so you could keep an eye on him.
I was supposed to keep an eye on him? Alright, well, let's hope he continues to be lucky.
Oh, I almost forgot.
Don't go out for soccer.
The field is under the high-voltage power lines.
The whole team from '85 is sterile.
Oh, you didn't have to make their lunch.
I would've done that.
Oh, it's out of guilt.
Your father and I had a Lunchables party in the middle of the night.
You get up to use the bathroom, you end up having another dinner.
Darlene, you talked to Mark about wearing that outfit to school, right? He's gonna get beat up, sure as hell.
He'll be fine.
He wore stuff like that all the time in Chicago.
The musical? I don't get why he's wearing clothes like that to school.
He just likes to wear clothes like that sometimes.
I've read a bunch of books about it, and they all say to let him just be who he is.
He gets good grades, he's happy for a Conner And, I mean, that's That's all I really care about.
You know, as a life coach This might be a good time to grab a snack or go pee in the yard.
As a life coach, let me share some research that I think might be pertinent.
Before the 1900s, there were no colors associated with gender at all.
And then the infamous clothing industrial complex decided that pink was for girls and blue was for boys just to make people have to buy more clothes.
- If you're done - And so, my point is kudos to Darlene for letting Mark be himself.
I mean, given the choice, who knows how many children would choose a style different from what society has "assigned" to them.
Thank you, Aunt Jackie.
Oh, and grown-ups, too, you know? When I'm home alone sometimes, I like to light a few candles and put on some Prince and dance in front of a mirror wearing men's boxers and an old fishing hat.
You can get off my side now.
Darlene you're his mom.
It's okay if you think it's fine that he plays dress-up around the house, but if you care about his safety, you'll make him wear pants to school.
Oh, so you're saying when he's out of the house, he's got to pretend to be someone he's not? Yes.
If I didn't do that, we'd never be able to cash a check anywhere.
You know what? I'm sorry.
I-I'm not gonna raise him that way, and by the way, you didn't have any problem when I wore basketball shorts and a Bulls jersey to school every day.
Darlene, God did not give me this big a head to hold a narrow mind.
I'm totally cool with girls who like basketball, boys who like sewing, but you're dreaming if you think he isn't in for a world of hurt.
Yeah, and we're totally not bigoted because we already came to terms with the fact that you were gay.
I'm not gay.
You know, gay people throughout history We're not talking about gay! The kid is nine years old.
He's too young to like girls or boys yet, and frankly, wherever this lands with Mark, I'm fine with it.
Then so am I! I'm totally fine with gay.
My daughter's gay! Not gay! - You think I'm smart, don't you? - Yeah.
Yeah! What's for breakfast? You better carbo-load.
I have a feeling today's gonna be more of a marathon than a sprint.
Come on, Mom.
I don't want to be late.
Oh, well, then start walking.
No, you have to drive me.
You've gotta be there to sign a form - saying I'm up to date with all my shots.
- What? I was taking Mark.
I don't have time to go to your school and pretend I get you proper medical care.
Well O-Okay.
All right, fine.
Can one of you guys take Mark? [DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES.]
Yes, I'll take little Braveheart.
[TELEVISION PLAYING.]
- Hey, Mark.
- Yeah? I'm taking you to school, but I want to talk to you first.
Shove over.
[TELEVISION TURNS OFF.]
[SIGHS.]
Okay, I'm gonna ask you something kind of adult, but you're growing up, and I think you can handle it.
Do you feel like you're a boy or a girl? A boy.
Well, you answered that pretty quick.
I thought it was gonna be more complicated.
So, what's up with the girls' clothes? This just feels like me.
I like colors that pop.
It's more creative.
Well, your mom's creative, so I get that, but here's the thing You gotta pick your fights in life.
How important is this to you? It's important.
Okay.
Well, you know it's gonna be rough on you at school, right? But we'll back you up.
[SIGHS.]
Ohhh! [GRUNTS.]
Kinda scary talking to your old granny, huh? I'm not afraid of you.
Give it time.
Mark, why don't you find a seat.
Freak! [CHILDREN SNICKERING.]
Do you mind if I talk to the class for a minute? No, go ahead.
Hi, everybody.
Eyes up here.
[SNAPPING FINGERS.]
Um I'm Mrs.
Conner, and, uh, this is my grandson, Mark, and he's just starting school here today, which is very cool 'cause all my other kids went here, and they continue to lead crime-free lives.
I think you guys are really gonna like Mark 'cause he is a lot of fun, and he's very fashionable.
Sometimes he wants to wear a dress or a real fancy top.
I think he's gonna grow up and be a fashion designer.
A really famous one, like, uh, T.
J.
Maxx or, um or that Ross guy.
So, I'm counting on you guys to make the new kid feel welcome.
And if you don't, I have ways of finding out about it.
I'm a white witch.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
Hi, Andrea.
Hi, Rebecca.
"Rebecca"? Hi.
I'm her Aunt Jacqueline, and, um, I am Lanford's leading life coach, and as such, I respect the powerful process you must be going through to build your family.
Thank you.
My husband, Richard, and I are just so grateful that Rebecca's willing to go on this journey with us.
Journeys! Mm.
I, uh, brought you some ionized water in glass bottles.
Thank you.
I love water.
I hate plastic bottles.
I mean, you might as well suck the mercury out of a thermometer.
Oh, I love plastic bottles 'cause when you're done with them, you just gather 'em up and dump 'em in the lake.
Hi.
You must be, uh Andrea.
This is my mother, Roseanne Conner.
She's a hoot.
Why don't we sit down.
Okay, I'm just gonna do this as quickly as possible.
Um, I just have a few questions about your family's medical history.
Mrs.
Conner, did all of your children's deliveries go according to your birth plan? Um They found their way out, if that's what you mean.
Oh, she means were there any medical emergencies that arose? A time when the newborn might have been in distress? Thank you, Jacqueline.
No, the birth part was easy.
Followed by decades of unbearable pain.
Okay.
Next question.
Uh, does mental illness run in your family? And don't be embarrassed.
I mean, I get anxiety on international flights.
No mental illness.
Well Our mother was never formally diagnosed, but I'm pretty sure she's stark, raving I'll tell you what runs in our family A sense of humor.
If it's okay, I have some questions for you, too, Andrea.
I hope you don't mind.
Oh, no, it's fine.
Really.
Um, so, are you gonna be there when Becky has sex with your husband, or what? Mom! They don't do it like that.
Right? Oh, God, no! No, no, no.
- Becky's egg will be extracted at the hospital - Use Becky's egg.
Be extracted.
That's right.
And then the healthiest one - will be fertilized there - Fertilized.
- And then implanted.
- And then implanted! Okay, gotcha.
So, how are you gonna take care of Becky through this whole thing? Oh, she's gonna get the very best medical care, and we're planning a totally natural birth.
You mean with no drugs? Say what now? I just read an article about how mothers who don't use drugs during childbirth recover so much faster.
Oh, if you're worried about me, Andrea, you don't need to be.
I don't care how long it takes to recover.
I'll take all the drugs you got.
Mark, go up to your room.
Andrea, this is my older sister, Darlene.
- What happened with Mark? - Nothing.
He's fine.
Where's Dad? He's in the kitchen.
He's washing his tail in the sink.
Mom! Guess what? I had to pick up Mark from the principal's office today.
I knew something bad was gonna happen.
Yeah, he showed a kid a knife at school, and he said you gave it to him.
- Is that true? - What? Yeah.
I gave it to him.
I didn't tell him to bring it to school.
What the hell were you thinking? I didn't think it was that big of a deal, Darlene.
You wanted a knife at that age, I gave you one.
That was to defend myself at home.
You know, I know why you gave Mark a knife.
It's to turn him into your version of a boy.
First of all, I didn't know there were that many versions.
And, yeah, I admit, I was happy he liked it.
He's got a pocketknife now.
I'm hoping it's a gateway to having pockets.
So, you admit it? You were trying to make him more masculine.
When did "masculine" become a dirty word? And no, I'm not.
I'm scared for him.
If I don't get what's going on, what do you think a classroom full of 10-year-olds from Lanford is gonna do? From what I remember about the exchange student in my school, what you don't understand, you beat the crap out of.
I don't know, Dad.
Maybe things have changed over the last fifty years.
Maybe.
Maybe not.
Why don't you ask Mark why he really had that knife out today? I'm guessing it wasn't for show and tell.
Well, I'm keeping a lid on things out there, but Roseanne just found out that Andrea's gonna eat Becky's placenta.
Oh, come on! Hey, you guys gotta go fight someplace else.
I need to yell at Becky in here.
It's It's fine.
We're done.
I'm gonna go check on Mark.
He got caught with a knife at school.
What idiot gave him a knife? Dad Mom needs to chill.
I am not letting you ruin this for me.
All I want is a down payment on a house and a dentist who doesn't work out of his van or just to sit on my ass for two minutes [VOICE BREAKING.]
without stressing about money! Becky, you might not want to see this baby, but we will.
And I'll tell you how this whole thing's gonna end.
I'll be kidnapping my own grandkid, and I'm gonna end up in jail.
And don't think that's a deterrent 'cause I'll probably do less laundry! Mark.
You know what you did wrong, don't you? Yeah, I do.
Okay, sit down.
[SIGHS.]
I'm gonna ask you something, and you gotta be honest with me.
Don't worry.
You're not gonna get in trouble.
That's what you said last time.
Yeah, but this time I mean it.
That's what you said last time.
Okay, we've established you remember things.
Why did you take that knife out at school? I told you, I was just showing it off to a kid.
Okay, so no one was trying to hurt you or anything? No.
He was definitely going to hurt me.
That's when I decided to give it to him as a gift.
Why didn't you tell me? 'Cause I didn't want you coming down to the school and making a big deal.
Granny Rose already told everyone she's a witch.
No, she'd never get that close to a broom.
Was it about your clothes? I guess.
Well, what did he say? He said I was weird, and he was going to tell everyone I was a girl-bot so that no one would want to play with me.
[SCOFFS.]
What a loser.
You know that's ridiculous, right? Yeah but no one played with me.
You know, they will.
[SIGHS.]
Here's the thing You are weird.
[CHUCKLES.]
I'm weird.
This whole family is really weird, right? So, you just gotta hang in there until people figure out that weird is cool.
When is that? I don't know, but it'll happen, and in the meantime, you just find the other weird kids and you hide amongst them.
By the time the bullies make their way through to you, there'll be a pile so high of glasses, retainers, and headgear, they'll never get over it.
[SMOOCHES.]
There's this girl who offers to dissect everybody's frogs.
Okay, you could be her friend for now, but, you know, as she gets older, you might want to drift away.
Ready to go! Oh, you sure? Do I need to frisk you? - You packing heat? - No, Mom.
All right, second day of school.
Remember what I told you if anybody has a problem with what you're wearing? Tell them to wait for me under the high-voltage lines.
No, the other thing.
It's their problem.
And we should all be ourselves, but if things get rough, I put pants and a T-shirt in your backpack, and you know what? You're still gonna be you.
No, I won't.
I'm fine, Mom.
Well, what if that kid teases you again or pushes you down or something? He'll get tired of it eventually.
I like my clothes.
[BAG ZIPS.]
Come on, Mom.
I don't want to be late.
Hey! Hey! Grr! [GROWLS.]
Get out of here.
Tough kid.
I'm gonna miss him.
Hey, Mom, I'm on my way to work.
Um Andrea sent you a "thank you" gift.
Turns out you didn't totally ruin everything.
Well, we'll try harder next time.
Oh, look it.
It's potpourri.
I hope you like it, Becky, 'cause that's what you're getting for Christmas.
Guess she thinks our house stinks.
Uh, yeah, that's your fault.
You kicked up all those bad smells with all that vacuuming.
We had 'em settled down real nice.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
It looks better than it tastes.
You gotta put milk on it! He fakes left.
He dribbles past the big man.
He shoots.
He scores! Stop it.
How's school treating you? Fine.
Have any more trouble with that kid? Nope.
He's got a peanut allergy, so I can take him out with a handful of trail mix.
- Hey, can girls play? ‭- Hey.
I don't know.
Can they? Oh, like taking candy from a sweaty baby.
Ha! Watch and learn, boys.
[GRUNTS.]
Oh! Little man flying to the hoop! He goes up, up, up.
Flying in boom! Ahhh! And the crowd goes wild! Okay, he doesn't have to wear pants, but he's gotta wear underwear.