Married with Children s10e03 Episode Script

It was a lovely funeral, Peggy.
I'm sure Buck would have been proud.
I know.
I just can't believe he's gone.
You know, it seems like only yesterday he was chewing up the furniture and peeing on the floor.
That was yesterday.
Your father seems to be taking it especially hard.
Poor guy.
Twelve hundred bucks for a funeral.
They buried King Tut for less and he got to take his wives with him.
I cannot believe how cheap you are, Al.
I mean, Buck was more than family.
He was someone we loved.
That may well be, Peg, but at $1200 for a 70-pound-dog do you realize how expensive your mom's gonna be? I'd say bury her at sea but then we'd have one less sea.
All right, Al, you can say what you want about Mom-- Okay.
She's a great big pile of-- --but I want you to be careful what you say about Buck around Kelly.
She was closer to him than any of us and she's gonna need some extra love and attention.
Sorry I'm late.
I stopped over at Hallmark to see if I could get a nice "Thanks for leaving me at the pet cemetery" card.
Naturally they were all sold out, so I'm gonna make up my own.
What rhymes with "May you all heave and gag on your own chunks"? Well, let's see.
There's punks, drunks, hunks.
So how did you get home, Kel? Oh, I got a ride from Igor, the guy who drives the doggy hearse.
You know, the one that Dad was too cheap to spend the extra 40 bucks on? There's nothing wrong with the trunk of the Dodge.
Buck always liked going for a nice ride in the car and he looked so peaceful with his head propped up on the spare tire.
So how are you feeling, Kelly? Oh, I'm better, I guess.
I think I'm over Buck's death now and I'm ready to get on with my life.
Attagirl, pumpkin.
I admire your courage.
Now help me clean up the yard and we'll burn Buck's old toys.
And to think, I could have had any man on the football team.
Peg, you've had them all.
Now, pumpkin.
Now, you know that I loved Buck more than I love anyone in this room.
Way, way more than some.
But, sweetheart, let's not dwell on sad things.
Daddy, what do you think Buck's doing right now? Well, gee, I don't know, sweetheart.
He should still be dead, shouldn't he? Oh, Buck.
Buck, where for art thou, Bucky-o? Where? Where? Well, I'll be damned.
I really can see my house from here.
Bundy? Bundy? Buck Bundy? - That's me.
- I'm Thomas, your guide.
Where exactly am I? You're where animals go when they die.
I'm in Oprah's refrigerator? No, Buck, you're in the animal afterlife.
Well, then what are you doing here? Computer error.
I was the mascot for a baseball team the Cleveland Chickens.
I had this really great bit where I'd find some guy bald as an egg and sit on his head.
A scream, I tell you.
Until one day I met a bald guy who was a tad sensitive about it.
- Oh, what did he do? - Shot me in the face six times.
- What's that? - Gabriel's beeper.
That means it's time for the judge to determine your fate.
If you've been good, you'll be reincarnated as the animal of your choice.
Well, in that case, I'd like to come back as an eagle soaring proud and free.
How patriotic.
But if you do come back as an eagle, do yourself a favor.
- What's that? - Don't land on any bald guys with guns.
So, pumpkin just know that Buck is in a happier place now.
He has to be.
He's not here.
And as long as you carry him in your heart a part of him will ways be with you.
That was beautiful, Daddy.
I feel a lot better now.
- Thanks.
- No problem, sweetheart.
Bud, help me chop up the doghouse for firewood.
What now? Daddy, we are not going to get rid of anything that was Buck's.
He will ways be a part of this family, always.
I think you're gonna have to get a replacement.
Are you serious? Where am I gonna get another daughter? Dad, I think she meant a replacement for Buck.
I can't afford a pet since Peg's mom a.
k.
a.
Free Willy, beached herself upstairs.
I am not beached.
I can roll over if I want to.
Don't! Hey, I've got a great idea.
I have a friend who owns a pet store.
Well, actually he's a crooked customs agent who smuggles in endangered species and some really great imported porn.
I mean corn.
Wait a second, how much does this porn, I mean-- How much is this pet gonna cost? Gee, I don't know, Al.
What's the spending limit on Kelly's peace of mind? Eleven bucks.
No, you don't, Al Bundy.
You're not gonna Scrooge your way out of this.
Kelly is your only daughter.
This is my only $11, Peg.
All right.
I promise to get her a pet that she'll love.
So, Kelly tell me which one of these cool pets is gonna be the new Buck? Oh, forget it, Daddy.
I can't take a goldfish on a walk.
I can't scratch a moth behind its ears and I can't teach an ant farm to pee in Bud's shoes.
Kelly, have we got the pet for you.
- What is it this time? - A bird.
It takes one to buy one.
But this isn't just any bird, Kel.
This is a genuine Venezuelan emerald-crested cockatoo.
He does great celebrity impressions.
And he knows over 150 different words.
That's got your father beat right there.
Yeah, but he's not Buck.
Can he roll over and play dead? Buck couldn't do that.
Until now.
Look, Kelly, I know he's not Buck but you should give him a chance.
We got him on approval so if you don't want him after a week, he goes back.
Look.
Kelly pretty, Kelly pretty.
Well, he is awfully cute and smart.
Hey there, cute little guy.
- How much? - A thousand dollars.
Well, I'll give him a try.
I just hope it's okay with Buck.
I'm gonna be an eagle.
I'm gonna be an eagle.
If the judge decides that you've been good.
Oh, he will.
Everybody loves me.
All rise for the Honorable Judge Felix D.
Katt.
Well, I just hope I get a defense lawyer who can stand up to a cat.
Buck Bundy? Ira Mousekewitz.
I'm your court-appointed attorney.
Houston, we have a problem.
I hope Tweety likes the gifts we got him.
Yeah, it will be just like Christmas.
Yeah, except Dad's sober and somebody's getting presents.
Well, I guess it's true what they say.
Nothing brings a family together like a new pet.
- Al, you busted Tweety's bird food.
- That's no problem.
I was on my way back to town to have a hernia operation anyway.
Can I get anybody else a hundred pounds of anything? Jujubes.
I'm gonna give Tweety his cuddle bone.
- Hey, where'd he go? - Somebody left the cage open.
- He must have flown upstairs.
- Upstairs? Oh, no.
Oh, my God, a feather.
Gee, I was wondering why Mom sent out for white wine.
What do you mean you thought it was a chicken? When was the last time you heard a chicken doing a Marlon Brando impression? Tweety.
Well I've got some good news and got some bad news.
The good news is Tweety knew over 150 words.
Well, what's the--? What's the bad news, Dad? Bad news is none of them were "Please don't eat me.
" Oh, there, there, sweetheart.
- Daddy will get you a new Tweety.
- Like hell Daddy will.
I don't want another Tweety.
I don't want another anything.
I just want Buck back.
- Now, look Kel-- - No, leave me alone! - Al, I've got another idea.
- Forget about it, Marcie.
There's no pet in the world wouldn't fit in that woman's mouth.
She can unhinge her jaw like an anaconda.
Kelly's problem is that she needs closure to reconcile herself to the fact that Buck is really gone.
She needs to communicate with him.
But he's dead.
He may have crossed over to the other side but he's not out of reach.
Come on, Marcie.
Let's get this doggy séance on the road.
Father, we're ready.
Well, the house is blessed except for that big, fat ugly she-demon up there.
Father Sarducci, can we talk to Buck now? Soon, my child with the diary in the top drawer.
Are you clairvoyant? No, I was just going through your things.
Let us all join hands.
Al, you're not joining hands.
What's the matter, Mr.
Bundy, you don't believe in the afterlife? No, it's not that, Father.
It's just that I don't wanna hold my wife's hand.
Come on, now.
Calm down.
It is not easy to contact a dead dog.
Fortunately, I have my dead-dog whistle with me.
Won't be long now.
Maybe gonna try something else.
I got this idea.
How about everybody concentrate? Okay, concentrate.
You just have to Buck Bundy, Buck Bundy.
Yeah, I know.
But in bed I hardly have to do anything.
- Silence? - No, hardly.
She's quite the screamer.
He wasn't talking about that.
Actually, I was.
We are gathered here tonight to contact a friend a departed friend, who still carries heartstrings for his grieving companion, the blond chick.
- Kelly.
- Kelly.
Buck, Buck hear me, Buck.
Fill me up with thy spirit.
My body is your vessel.
Fill me up, Buck.
Fill me up.
Am I the only one getting turned on here? What is it, Father? What do you feel? Great fear.
I think Buck's in trouble.
Buck Bundy, I understand you have waived your right to an attorney.
Yeah, after you ate him.
Strike that from the record.
Thomas shall now read aloud from The Book of Life.
Let's see.
"Total number of cats chased up trees, 15.
" It was harmless fun.
It's not like anyone got hurt.
"Total number of cats chased under the wheels of Mack trucks, 197.
" I'm truly sorry about that.
I was a young pup and I did it to impress the bitches.
And finally, "Total number of cats eaten this morning in heaven's waiting room, three.
" - Well, dog? - You know, I don't have to be an eagle.
I'll settle for a finch with huevos like an eagle.
This court will recess for one hour while I contemplate the appropriate sentence in my litter box.
Well, this certainly sucks.
Be one with me, oh, spirit.
Join with me, Buck.
Join with me.
Now, look here, La Toya.
It has been over an hour.
Get to the part where Buck is fine and Kelly's happy.
What, you want me to lie? What do you take me for? A lot less than you're taking me for.
Now go ahead.
Okay, I will again attempt to break through.
I broke through.
Buck? Yes, it's me, Buck.
Daddy Daddy, Buck's Italian.
The afterlife is in Italy.
- I miss you Buck.
- I miss you too, Kelly but I think it's time for both of us to move on.
Go forth, my child, and get yourself another dog.
A cheap dog.
And, Kelly, share yourself with others like you have shared yourself with me, Buck.
I'll do that.
I will share myself with others.
If she shared herself any more she'd be traded on the New York Stock Exchange.
Now, before we say goodbye is there anything I can do for you? Well, Buck would like to have a little hug.
Oh, of course.
And maybe a little kiss.
Okay.
No, Buck would really like to have his tongue involved.
Would Buck like to have a little shoe up his blowhole? The spirit has departed.
Hey, hey, wait.
While you're still out there I used to have a pet goldfish named Winky.
Not on my dime you didn't, buddy.
Hey.
Hey, wait a minute, you guys.
Now, you heard what Buck said.
He wants me to get another dog.
But, pumpkin, it's after 9:00.
Daddy's broke.
There's no way in the world we can find another-- Hey, wait a minute.
What's that? Look, it's a puppy.
Where did it come from? It's a sign, a sign from Buck.
That's ridiculous-- Entirely possible.
Oh, look how cute he is.
Wait a minute, I'm not an eagle.
I'm a dog.
What should we name him? I know, let's call him Lucky, Lucky Bundy.
Gee, I was saving that name for my tombstone.