Roseanne s10e03 Episode Script

1 ROSEANNE: It's daytime, people! Rise and shine.
[SARCASTICALLY.]
No, no, everybody, I got this.
I have a few years left to live, and this is exactly how I want to spend it.
What is this, Courtyard by Marriott? [KICKS DOOR.]
Housekeeping! Oh I'm sorry.
Were you sleeping? Uh, what's up? You guys are slobs, and I'm sick of it.
You know, I don't know how you're so cheerful first thing in the morning.
I always need coffee.
No, I'm serious.
You got to make your kids pick up.
I don't want to be the disciplinarian.
I want to be the fun grandma who gives them too much sugar and teaches them to gamble and stuff.
Ma, it's not Mark, it's Harris.
She's all over the place right now because she just started a business on Etsy.
What's Etsy? It's like a yard sale except online because nobody can afford a yard anymore.
She sells used clothes.
Apparently, it's cool to look poor now.
[SCOFFS.]
Yeah, it's all fun and games 'til you're reusing your diabetes needles.
Enjoy.
[DAN AND ROSEANNE LAUGHING.]
"Roseanne" is taped in front of a live audience.
[GROANS.]
There's my Uber gal.
How was your day of picking up perfect strangers for money? [CHUCKLES.]
Fine, but every time I stepped on the brake, it killed my knee.
I had this one guy who actually wanted me to stop at every single stop sign.
Hey! Have you seen my ice pack? No, but I've got something way better to show you.
Whoa, you're really phoning in the foreplay these days.
Come with me, and prepare to be overjoyed.
[CLICKS TONGUE.]
Could it be I'm getting a spanking from Mr.
Wayne Newton? Kiss that old ice pack goodbye and say hello to the superior styling and customized craftsmanship of the whisper-quiet EasyClimb 5000.
No.
I finally got it working.
No, I already told you, I'm not using it.
Those are for old people.
Yeah, for old husbands who are tired of running up and down stairs for their hot, young wives.
Come on, just until your knee gets better.
No.
We can't afford that anyway.
Take it where you got it and get your money back.
I can't.
I got it for the very reasonable price of "our neighbor died, and they're tearing down his house.
" So, you just went over to his house and stole it? No! I went over to his house to steal his copper plumbing.
This bad boy was a bonus.
I'm going out.
See you later.
Oh, and, Granny Rose, your ice pack is in my room somewhere.
I used it to keep my smoothie cold.
Sorry, it's a little sticky.
Bye! What a delightful and thoughtful young lady.
We're so lucky she lets us live here.
How the hell am I supposed to get up the stairs to find my ice pack without my ice pack? No, I don't need it.
I'm young and vibrant.
- And they're off! - [MOTOR WHIRRING.]
And it's EasyClimb versus Stubborn Housewife.
Stubborn housewi looking good, but here comes EasyClimb up on the rail! Shut up, Dan! And it's Stubborn Wife looking back at Awesome Husband with hatred in her eyes.
You know, folks, if she loses this race, they may have to put the old nag down.
Hey, Granny Rose, can you drop this off in my room? Oh, wow.
The chair's going up anyway.
You should really sit in it.
And it's Death Wish comin' out of nowhere to take it by a nose! - [DOOR CLOSES.]
- BECKY: Emergency! I can't use the laundry room in my building because someone's living there now.
Unh-unh, I'm first.
Harris has been hogging that washing machine, and I'm totally out of clean underwear.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
I'm wearing a coffee filter and a scrunchie.
But I have to be at the restaurant in two hours, and my uniform has blood all over the sleeve.
Oh, my God.
What happened? Bottomless margaritas and a dart tournament.
Oh.
Well, we can throw our stuff in together.
The machines are both full.
Oh, my God.
It's full of Harris' stuff.
Damn it! Is there a problem? Yeah, I need to talk to you about your kid.
[COFFEE POURS.]
Why are Harris' clothes in the washing machine? Because that's where it gets all wet and detergent goes on it.
She's been hogging that machine for three days, and we got a lot of people in this house.
Okay, I get it.
I'll talk to her as soon as she gets out of the shower.
You're gonna wait for your kid? Mom used to yell at us in the shower.
It was like that scene in "Psycho".
[AS ROSEANNE.]
Take out the trash! Ree! Ree! Ree! Well, at least Norman Bates respected his mother.
Ree! Hey, when you do get around to speaking to the Princess of Tide she needs to respect her elders, or I'll make sure she never becomes one.
This is crazy.
- I'll move the clothes into the dryer.
- Bad idea.
Yeah, remember the last time we told you to put stuff in the dryer and you threw a pen in there with it? I had one white shirt.
And then you had one pinstripe shirt.
You shouldn't be doing your kid's chores.
And when did you turn into such a pushover? You're not being the Darlene that we knew and loved and, quite frankly, feared a little bit.
You know what? You guys already raised your kids.
You're free.
Run.
Now would be a great time to finally learn how to use your phones.
There's the old, nasty Darlene! Now, quick, before you lose it, go up there and aim it at your kid.
[SCOFFS.]
You want me to yell at her for doing laundry? Are you worried she's gonna do the windows next? Cut her some slack, okay? Kids don't need slack, they need boundaries.
The happiest kids are raised in cages.
And it keeps the meat tender.
- What's that thing? - This? It's a vegetable brush.
It's for getting the dirt off of vegetables.
Oh, so it's kind of like a hand? HARRIS: Don't set a place for me.
I'm not staying.
Why not? We're having clean vegetables.
Can you clean it hard enough to make it a French fry? I'm meeting some people at the mall.
We'll grab something there.
Who are these people? You wouldn't know them.
I barely know them.
[SCOFFS.]
Why you hanging out with people you don't know? Because I've only been here a month, and I didn't inherit your charming personality.
A little trust here, Darlene.
Did she just call you "Darlene"? Yeah.
I have no problem with it.
It's very modern.
It allows the parent and the child to address each other as equals.
Thanks, Jackie.
Please call me "Aunt Jackie.
" It's the only title that I have.
You know what, Harris, this isn't really about trust, but it's kind of my job to know who you're hanging out with, so I would really like to meet them.
Oh, my God! [STOMPS FOOT.]
You dragged me away from my friends in Chicago, and now you're gonna scare off everybody I meet in this hick town? - [THICK DRAWL.]
- Who's gonna shoot beer cans with me behind the Dairy Queen? Alright, fine.
Just be home by 10:00, and, uh here's five bucks.
Thanks.
Oh, so she pushed you around a little, but you gave her five bucks.
That'll show her.
You had the perfect chance to check out your daughter's friends, and you let her play you like a chump.
You know what? This is gonna come as a shock to you people, but I actually trust my kids.
Ha! Here's why you can't trust your kids 'cause they're stupid.
That's why we don't give 'em cars or booze.
Well, people parent differently than they did in your day.
Turns out, a lot of what you did did not work, and some of it was against the law.
Yeah, it's against the law because your generation made everything so PC.
Instead of spanking 'em, you tell 'em to go over there and think about what they did wrong.
You know what they're thinking? "I can't believe this loser isn't spanking me.
" Let me tell you something.
I wrote a poem for my dad, and he hit me with a broom and then he said, "This broom will do more for you than any poem.
" And that was the Greatest Generation.
Yeah, he also checked under his bed every night for Japanese soldiers, so there you go.
Ah, the Dairy Queen.
I dated a boy who worked there.
He gave me free Dilly Bars.
Well, I guess they weren't totally free.
[BOTH SNORING.]
[SNORTS.]
Dan, you're snoring! Wake up.
[SLEEPILY.]
What time is it? Did I miss dinner? [SCOFFS.]
It's 11:00.
We slept from "Wheel" to "Kimmel".
We missed all the shows about black and Asian families.
- Mm, they're just like us.
- [CLICKS.]
There, now you're all caught up.
Help me put clothes in the dryer, would you? Now? Yeah, Harris has had the machine going all day washing them hobo clothes that she wants to sell on, uh, the Betsy.
You know what I think it is? Darlene doesn't want to be the bad guy.
There was two of us, so we could be good cop, bad cop.
She's just good cop.
And you know the movie nobody ever, ever wants to see? Mnh-mnh.
"Clint Eastwood is 'Supportive Harry'.
" Now, come on.
Help me up.
[STRAINING.]
We got to go put clothes in the dryer.
- [BOTH GROANING.]
- Ow! Do I have to? [WHINING.]
Yes.
Keep me company.
I'll make it fun.
I'll do my "seven veils" dance with the dryer sheets again.
Tempting.
And that's what I'll be dreaming of when I'm lying on this here couch.
Fine, I'll do it myself.
Where'd all the real men go? They're hiding from all the real women.
[SCOFFS.]
Damn! She's hogging the dryer! Leaving all my wet stuff again.
[SLAMS HAND.]
This is it! Harris, it's on! I'm coming up there! Fine! I'm on my way! [MOTOR WHIRRING.]
And I mean business! Wow! I didn't think that thing would hold together.
I just tested it with a bag of rock salt.
Look at her go.
Quit looking at me, Dan! I'm not looking at you.
I'm just checking to see if I had any calls.
Got it.
Hey, Granny Rose.
I need some coffee when you come down! Can you make me some? ROSEANNE: Damn it! You better stay right where you are, if you know what's good for you, Harris! I'll be over there in three or four minutes! Harris! Why did you put my clean clothes on top of the filthy washing machine? Now I've got to wash them all over again.
I needed the machine.
I just got a bunch of stuff from the thrift store.
Well, here's an idea Why not put my stuff in the dryer first? Why? It's your stuff.
Get your stuff out of the dryer now.
I'm having a muffin.
I'll do it in a minute.
Those are for breakfast.
But I'm hungry now.
Well, you're a woman in America.
Get used to it.
What is your problem? My problem is you're acting like you own the place, and we don't even own the place.
- Hey.
- What? You think you're better than everybody else in this house, don't you? Do you really want me to answer that? No, I'll answer it for you You're not! You're smart for a kid, but you're still dumb for a person.
And you got it real good here.
We got shampoo and conditioner in separate bottles and we got three fridges if you count the one in the driveway.
So you better start showing some gratitude instead of acting like an entitled, little bitch.
You know what? I don't need to get yelled at by some stupid, old hillbilly.
- Hey! - What?! I want you to rinse off this plate in the sink.
Whatever.
[HOSE GRINDS, WATER RUSHES.]
[GASPS, SCREAMS.]
Welcome to the hillbilly day spa! - [SCREAMS.]
- [CACKLING.]
Mom! Stop! What are you doing? - [WATER SHUTS OFF.]
- [SCOFFS.]
Your hellspawn threw all my clean clothes on top of the dirty washing machine, and then she called me a stupid hillbilly! I was being nice! She's a crazy, stupid hillbilly! You apologize to your grandmother.
And old! She said "old"! Say it! I'm sorry! God! Great.
Now you tell your kid to get her stuff out of the dryer so I can finish my laundry and go to sleep.
Fun grandma loses her cool if she gets less than eight hours.
Fine! Listen, she was wrong, but you are not her parent.
How could you do something like that? It wasn't that hard.
You just get her by the neck and lean into it, you know and then you keep the sprayer going like so.
The dryer is empty now.
Happy? - I will talk to you upstairs.
- [SCOFFS.]
[CLACK.]
Hold up.
Hey! That's mine! Give me that! Not so fast.
[CHUCKLES.]
So, they left a security tag on from the thrift store? They left one on.
Big deal.
This is not from a thrift store, Harris.
They don't put security tags on clothes that cost less than security tags.
Did you steal this? No, I got it from some kids at school.
So they stole it? Whatever.
Who cares? I just am selling it on my store.
[SCOFFS.]
Do you know you can go to jail for selling things that are stolen online? Are you stupid? Yes! They told me I couldn't get in any trouble! I just wanted to make some money because my life sucks.
Hey, all our lives suck.
That's why we put marshmallows on yams.
You know what? [SCOFFS.]
You are not helping.
Please just let me talk to Harris alone for a second.
Sure.
I'm just gonna check around this house to see if any of my stuff is missing.
[SMACKS LIPS.]
A lot of my clothes turned vintage.
Sit.
God! I trusted you! You know? I mean, you completely betrayed that! I was going easy on you because I felt guilty about bringing you here! Well, you shouldn't have brought me here because I hate it! I have no friends.
The kids here are idiots.
Who leaves security tags on stolen clothes? [SCOFFS.]
God, I'm sorry your henchmen are stupid, Riddler.
I mean, what What is so important to you that you would go on this crime spree? I needed money to go back and live in Chicago.
I already bought my bus ticket, and Anna's sister said I can live with her in her apartment - if I chip in for rent.
- [SCOFFS.]
I was planning on leaving at the end of the month.
Wow.
[SCOFFS.]
Part of me wants to ask how big Anna's sister's apartment is, but let's go to a healthier place here.
[SCOFFS.]
Are you really that miserable? I Yes, I miss my friends.
I don't belong here.
If you make me stay I'm gonna hate you.
Well, then, that's how it's gonna be.
You know, I'm not a huge fan of yours right now, either.
But we are in this together, okay? We came here because our family needed support.
And you know what? No matter what you think of those crazy, old, stupid hillbillies, they will get in the pickup truck, and they will pull you out of any well that you fall into.
I didn't fall into a well.
Grandma sprayed me with a hose.
Alright, well, now you see why you need her on your side, right? I'm gonna make you a deal.
If you're still miserable in three years, you can move back to Chicago.
Really? Oh, thank you so much, Mom.
You're welcome.
Wait in three years, I'll be 18, and I can do whatever I want anyways.
Well, I'm trying to work with you here.
[SIGHS.]
But you know I still have to punish you, right? So you're not leaving this house for three weeks, you are closing down the Etsy store, and you're giving me all your passwords to all your accounts for everything.
How about none of that happens, but I just lose your trust? Passwords.
[SIGHS.]
Okay.
But just know that there are some things on my private Instagram account that are less than flattering about you.
Ditto.
[DOOR OPENS.]
Housekeeping.
Look, before you say anything, I let my guard down, and I shouldn't have.
So lesson learned.
Well, don't be too hard on yourself.
You stepped up when you needed to.
You know, we all want to believe the best in people, but the truth is, kids lie, people cheat and you don't want to be the one that gets eaten by the bear.
Wow.
Was that one of your poems? 'Cause I'm starting to get why your dad hit you with a broom.
Your father's just trying to say that, you know, it's not easy, and you did a good job.
The whole parenting thing is kind of learn-as-you-go.
And there's no books on how to raise kids.
Yes, there are.
There are literally thousands.
Yeah, but it's not like they're just laying around for free where anybody can pick them up and read them.
Yes, you can.
There's a library two blocks from here.
That's a "liberry"? Okay, you guys are hilarious, but you will be happy to hear that I got all of her passwords.
Now you're talkin'.
Let's fire up this mo-chine and see what we're dealing with here.
Rose, it's okay for her mom to check up on her, but we're just snooping.
[GASPS.]
Move over, girls! ROSEANNE: Hey, you almost done in there? I put all my dirty clothes in the hamper, I washed my breakfast dishes and Mark's, and I closed my Etsy account.
Yeah, but you almost done in there? You got people waitin'.
I think I deserve a nice, long shower after all that.
Wrong answer.
- Hand me the soap, would you? - [GASPS.]
Oh, my God! Ha ha! Oh, what? You're too good to shower with your grandma?