Frasier s10e04 Episode Script

F R A S I E R (10x04) - Kissing Cousin - Well, it's official.
Once again, there is no room for me at the Yo-Yo Ma Orchestral Fantasy Camp.
Hello.
Frasier, this is my cousin Jen.
She's visiting this week, remember? Oh, yes, of course.
So how are you enjoying Seattle? Well, I've been living in London, so Seattle seems a little lame.
- No offense.
- Oh, none taken.
So you like London? Not really.
- It's like a parody of itself.
- How so? Oh, you know, double decker buses, bobbies, little pubs.
It's like EPCOT but even fakier.
So I bailed.
Went and spent some time in Florence.
- Ah, Firenze.
How is she? - I gotta say, Florence is over.
It was probably cool, before all the Americans found out about it.
- You mean three hundred years ago? - Exactly.
That's why I'm going to Vietnam.
Americans have never even heard of it.
Ah.
Well, you know, I'm afraid I have to bail on this conversation, I have a show to prepare for.
Roz, when are we doing those promos? This evening? Oh, I had to reschedule those 'cause Jen and I are goin' out tonight! A guy I met on the internet is in a band.
We're going to go check them out, have a few drinks, watch all the losers.
Wanna come? While no stranger to the discothèque, I'm afraid it will have to be you and Roz this evening.
This is our first time going out since I was a kid.
When she used to baby-sit me, she was always dragging me on some wild adventure.
Like that time we changed the sign from "SCHOOL ASSEMBLY" to "COOL ASS"? - Oh, my God.
- Charming.
No, you don't understand.
The town we grew up in, was totally boring.
It was like Kill Yourself, USA, right? - Roz was the only person who did anything fun.
- Is that so? Yeah.
My mom calls me "Roz Junior," which is what passes for wit where we come from.
And, our town has the world's FOURTH LARGEST THERMOMETER! Yes, well I can see why London really let you down.
- Hey, Doc.
- Hi, Kenny.
Remember last month when you spent your whole show talking to that pregnant teenager? - Yes.
- Well, it wasn't a total waste.
We just got nominated for an Excellence in Broadcasting Decency Award.
Really? Well, that is quite an honor.
I don't think we've ever won one of those.
It's a very prestigious award.
That's what makes it so special when they call your name.
You know, it's heavier than it looks.
You don't want to drop one of those on your foot, let me tell you.
- So you won one.
- Yeah, it's in a box in my office.
- You can come by sometime and I'll show you.
- Honestly, Kenny, when are you going to unpack those boxes? Isn't four years enough time to make that office your own? Negatory, Doc.
Every time I unpack in a new job, I get fired.
Tacoma, Moline, Moline again I learned my lesson; those boxes stay packed.
So that's why you haven't unpacked.
You know, all this time, I've been using you on my radio show as an example of procrastination.
I had no idea you were just living in fear.
I prefer to see it as a healthy superstition.
Kenny, there's no such thing as a healthy superstition.
Oh yeah? What do you call washing your hands after you go to the bathroom? Look at this place.
Dad, I don't believe you've thrown out a single paper since Daphne moved in with Niles.
Hey, it was your idea to split up the chores.
Recycling is your deal.
Recycling and floors, remember? I'm in charge of regular garbage and tabletops, both of which are nicely under control, I might add.
Really? I count three snack plates around your chair, all of them on tabletops.
Not anymore.
All right, what's it gonna take for you to start doing your share of the work around here? Trade me floors for garbage.
You'll really take care of all the floors if I handle the garbage? That's right.
Okay.
Okay, you got a deal, Mister.
- Hi, Daph.
- Hello.
Why's all your garbage stacked up in the hallway? That's right, why is that, Frasier? Your game is deep.
My, things are a bit untidy around here, aren't they? Maybe I'll just clean up these dishes before we get started.
- Daphne, you don't have to do that.
- That's true.
You're not our slave anymore.
I'm not gonna do all of it, just the tabletops.
Aw, that's sweet of you.
Burn.
No, no.
- Well, there's room at Roz's table.
- No! I find her cousin Jen just a bit judgmental for my taste.
Yesterday she told me my show was bourgeois.
I pointed out that anything that had mass appeal could be said to be bourgeois.
She then said that my argument was bourgeois.
Which I found to be jejeune.
People in their twenties are always like that.
The world is so daunting at that age.
They comfort themselves with the idea that everything's just trash.
We were like that in medical school.
Acting as if we were above it all, smarter than everybody.
It passes.
- Hello, Roz.
- Niles, Frasier! - Hi, Roz.
Come join us.
Jen, this is Niles.
Pleased to meet you.
"Niles", whoa.
Thanks Mom and Dad, right? Well, Jen, good to see you again.
So, how was our night out, girls? Well, it's still goin' on! - We went to this really great club called Zoo.
- Excuse me, The Zoo? - No, it was just called Zoo.
- Huh, "The".
Roz - Is that glitter in your hair? - Oh, is it? I thought it all came out in the car wash.
Oh, that's mine.
Hello? Oh, Anka.
You won't believe what huge Seattle cliche I'm in right now I swear, my cousin Roz is like the only cool person in this whole city.
The rest are just drones.
Apparently, they don't believe in raw sugar.
Excuse me.
- You see what I mean about her.
- She's struggling through a typical phase of development.
Stop being so sensitive.
- Sorry about that.
- Not at all.
So, tell me about you guys.
Roz says you're super competitive with each other.
Did your parents withhold affection, or is just the penis thing? Uh, I'll take mine to go.
Coming up next, "This Day in Psychological History.
" After the news.
- It was a good show, Frasier.
- It's not over Roz, this is just a break.
I'm sorry, I'm so exhausted.
I haven't slept since Jen got here.
Hey, Roz, wanna go watch some backyard wrestling tonight? I don't know.
Maybe we should stay in tonightrent a video? Rent a video? You're turning into Aunt Mirabelle.
All you need is a beanbag ashtray and a tracheotomy.
Well, I'm not there yet.
I just thought that maybe you could use a night off.
Say there, Jen, did you have a chance to explore that art gallery I suggested? Yeah.
I know you're into that stuff so I don't want to put it down.
But it was like everything in there was trying to make us feel better about our corrupt, imperialistic, phallocratic heritage.
They're landscapes.
- But I picked up something for you on the way over here.
- Really? - Mm-hm.
Well a bust of Freud.
- Well, that's really quite thoughtful of you.
- I figured you'd appreciate the irony.
Since he's been proven wrong about practically everything.
I like to think that Freud's theories will withstand the test of time.
Really? Have you read either of his books? Excuse me, young lady Uh-oh, here comes the lecture.
Yes, for once you are right for a disquisition is indeed at hand.
And may I suggest you roll your eyes back into the forward position, as I may actually employ some visual aids.
Now, our story begins with a young Greek woman of the name Clytemnestra - Look, everybody, Kenny's here! - Wow, I've never heard that before.
- Jen, maybe Kenny can show you around the station.
- You already showed me around the station yesterday.
- Yeah, but you know what? I totally forgot to show you our ratings binders.
- You did? - Yeah.
Well, then you're in for a treat.
What's that trophy for? Oh, a little series I produced called "Life Is My Favorite Drug of All".
- Sounds pretty lame.
- Yeah, it was.
All right, that girl is really getting under my skin.
When is she leaving? - She's not that bad.
- Oh, come on, Roz, she's running you ragged.
Oh, please, this is nothing.
I used to party every night.
Well, sure, at twenty you can do anything.
Hey, there's still a lot of candy left in this pinata.
- That's attractive.
- Thank you.
And this is my office.
The nerve center.
Where it all gdoes down.
Did you just move in here or something? Oh, no.
No, but in AM radio you've got to be ready to go in a moment's notice.
One day you're operating a fifty thousand watt powerhouse in Cleveland, the next you're spinning platters out of a barn in Tulsa Town.
You've gotta keep movin', it's all about the music.
When it isn't about news and talk.
- I heard AM radio is dead.
- Yeah, it is.
- So, you're going to Vietnam? - I'm thinking about it.
That's such an original choice.
You're so cool.
You're the first person that hasn't thought I was totally crazy for wanting to go there.
Oh, what do they know? I've always loved the idea of just taking off.
- You know, seeing someplace exotic.
- Why haven't you? - My wife.
She didn't like to travel.
- But you just said you were separated.
So do it.
Blow all of it off, go to Vietnam.
Break out of this prison cell.
I could, couldn't I? You know, I could just be free.
Just get a motorcycle, drive around the countryside, really start to live.
I never even thought of the motorcycle.
Now you have to do it.
People would think I was nuts.
I wouldn't.
When Freud's genius has OBVIOUSLY influenced every psychiatrist on the planet I haven't forgotten about you, callers.
Stay tuned, won't you? I'm starting to feel guilty about pawning Jen off on Kenny like that.
He's been a little down lately, and Jen can be a little, well, negative sometimes.
I hadn't noticed.
I just hope she doesn't send him spiraling down into some kind of depression.
So, Seattle still loves the Walkman, huh? He's probably listening to "Thriller".
So, do you still want to go to that warehouse party tonight? Doors open at eleven, so we should probably be there at one.
Look, I wish I could Jen, but I really have to sleep.
Don't worry, we'll have a few cocktails and you'll feel a lot better.
Forget it, I am not drinking again tonight.
So just drink beer.
I mean, Alice is still at her grandparents', right? Listen sweety, why don't you go out by yourself tonight? - Oh, come on, Mirabelle, have some fun.
- Don't do that.
- Do what, Mirabelle? - Knock it off, I'm serious.
You used to be so fun, but ever since you've got the condo and the SUV, you're all 401(k) or whatever.
I'm exactly the same person I've always been.
Oh, yeah? I checked your car radio.
It's stuck on that classic rock station.
For your information, classic rock is both classic and it rocks.
- What happened to you? - I'm old! Daphne, would you get that? Sorry I'm late, I What's going on? - Uh-oh.
- Steady Your father and brother needed a little help.
The oven's all clean, I just have a bit of ironing left, I won't be a minute.
And don't forget: I've drawn baths for both of you.
Are you proud of yourselves? - We didn't ask her to do anything.
- She offered.
Then why is no one looking me in the eye? I'm sorry, Niles, you're right.
Maybe we took advantage.
Absolutely.
We're way out of line, it won't happen again.
- What are you doing? - What? - Are you going to leave that there? - I'll clean it later.
Well, that's the whole problem.
If you would just clean as you go, things wouldn't pile up, and you wouldn't need Daphne's help.
- I guess.
- No, it's true, look at this.
Look how easy.
See? Small, consistent efforts, that's what it takes.
Just like managing one's cuticles.
You know, there's a bowl of potato salad laying out, completely uncovered.
It's getting tangy.
- The plastic wrap is right here.
- We really should help him.
Are you nuts? He's about to make us dinner.
- He is not.
- Twenty bucks says he is.
Forget money.
Let's wager something real.
All right, if I get him to make dinner, you do all the chores.
If I don't, I'll do 'em.
- I'm ready, Niles.
- Excellent, because tonight I am taking you to the finest bistro in the Pacific Northwest.
- You're on! - Take your sweet time, why don't you?! Hey, guys, are you sure you don't want to stick around? I was just going to open a can of spaghetti.
- But you have sea bass in the fridge.
- Oh, it'll probably last another day.
- Oh, I think you should cook it tonight.
- Fine.
I'll nuke it with some ketchup.
That's ridiculous.
You can't use your turkey recipe on fish.
Well, what am I supposed to do? Well, just take one clove of garlic, two tablespoons of finely minced fresh ginger Oh, for heaven's sake, I'll do it myself.
- I suppose I'll lay the table.
- No, no, Daphne.
You've done enough for today.
That's Frasier's job.
HE'S ALSO SEEN BOSTON AND KANSAS And so for our final hour today, I'd like to focus on first-time callers only.
- Hey.
- Hey.
We've heard a lot of familiar voices this week and I'd like to shake it up I looked for you at that warehouse party last night, but I didn't see you.
Oh, I was in the old meat locker.
Oh, I didn't look in there.
Sorry we didn't hook up.
Did I leave my sunglasses in here? Oh, yes, you did.
So, I'm taking off.
I had a really cool time with you.
I hope you make your break from here soon.
Good news.
I just got off the phone with my travel agent.
She got me this great fare to Ho Chi Minh City and she said it'd be no problem to get you on the same flight.
This is gonna be awesome! I've never seen Asia before.
I've seen the band, of course, but not, you know Oh, well, about that, Kenny, um, I already booked a flight.
- Oh, well maybe I can get on your flight.
- Well, see, the thing is, I travel solo.
- Oh.
It's kind of a rule I have.
I had this bad experience once Oh, no, please.
I totally get where you're coming from.
Solo's the way to go.
My high school French club went to Montreal once, nightmare! You should still go.
You deserve to have some fun.
Okay.
Yeah.
- Well, maybe I'll run into you over there.
- I'd like that.
Our next caller is Stu, from Madrona.
Go ahead, Stu, I'm listening.
All right, it's like this: I've been dating my girlfriend for six years, and she keeps bugging me about movin' in.
.
But I know as soon as she does, my freedom is gone.
Everything's gotta be in the hamper, I can't eat over the sink, can't just go out whenever my buddies call, - it's a lot to give up.
- Okay, Stu, how old are you? The calendar says forty-seven, but I feel eighteen, right? - Forty-seven?! - Now, Roz I have a suggestion for you, Stu: Grow the hell up! What? I'm sorry? I'm thirty-eight.
And I FEEL thirty-eight.
Now, I know we're all supposed to act like perpetual teenagers these days, but you know what? I like acting my age.
I like being a mom.
I like having a career.
And I like balancing my checkbook! When did it become such a bad thing to be an adult?! Dr.
Crane? Hello? Now, don't get me wrong, I had a great time when I was younger, I did! But after a while, that way of life just seems empty.
You have to go deeper, and commit to things that really matter to you.
Believe me, when you do that, you'll find out how amazing and rich life can be.
Hey, I know that voice.
You were at Zoo the other night.
You told me you were twenty-nine.
Thanks for your call, Stu, let's go to traffic.
I'm sorry, Frasier.
I guess I shouldn't have unloaded on that guy.
I've just been thinking a lot about age lately.
That's all right, Roz.
I thought your speech was courageous.
And who knows? Even if it went right past Stu, maybe it reached somebody else out there on the Frasier Crane Radio Network.