Last of the Summer Wine (1973) s10e05 Episode Script

Why can't tha buy a conifer tree in town like anybody else? Have you seen the paltry things? They look like the frames for small umbrellas.
I like a tree with a bit of character.
They used to say me mam had character.
Who said? The Rent Man, for one.
He said she were a natural storyteller.
It were just a gift.
It wasn't supposed to be a gift.
She was meant to pay rent for it.
I remember your mam's rolled up sleeves.
She had arms like wrestlers' legs.
A bosom that used to go all the way round, and big boots to match.
They were me dad's.
She was looking after them till he come back.
Wise man.
He never did come back.
It's sad, though, to think of him wandering out there, in his stocking feet! Aw, no.
He had another pair.
Oh? Conspicuous consumer, was he? Mind the needles! Don't shake off all the needles! Tha's giving ME the needle.
Stop complaining.
You're not carrying any weight.
You've only got to point and push.
Sounds easy, but I'm sure that's how I once went very wrong in a Turkish bath.
All right.
Hold it! Take a breather.
Up the hill now.
That's the hard bit done.
Ugh! That tastes just like one of your drinks.
Oh, admit it, man.
She's a beauty.
A real specimen.
Eh! When he went to the clinic, me Uncle Teddy used to take a specimen.
If God intended trees to ride bicycles I think I should go in for gardening.
It could help enormously with the executive stress.
Simple manual toil! It lightens the spirit.
# How many gentle flowers grow in an English country garden? # Here are some I think you'll know.
Those I miss, you'll surely pardon.
# Marigolds and buttercups, delphiniums and hollyhocks # Oh, we were a great little lot for singing at the Utterthwaite Academy.
Kept us going when the heating was off.
I used to lead the choir.
I was reputed to have something of a voice.
What made you change it for the one you got now? We should have won the Shield, had it not been for the adjudicator's malice.
I didn't know the lady was his wife! # Come into the garden, Maud.
The black, black night is flown.
# Come into the garden, Maud.
I'm here at the gate alone.
# I am here - at the gate - alone.
# I daresay we can find a worthy charity for this.
This is a worthy one.
Whoops! Now, I see no reason why we can't ride the rest of the way.
I don't want you to think I'm raising frivolous objections, but how am I going to steer? We'll all help.
We just sway with our bodies to help us round the corners.
It's elementary physics.
Does it have any cones? It's not big enough yet to have cones.
Then I dread to think what's just fallen off.
Lean! Lean! Lean! No! The other way! C-R-A-S-H! I'm telling you, it's true.
NORA: Nothing she does surprises me.
He's besotted with her.
It'll wear off.
Takes her away three times a year.
That's excessive! Once a year is enough for anybody.
But he took her to What are you listening for? You're supposed to be fixing that shelf, Barry.
I wasn't exactly listening.
My ears were pointing in that direction.
They'll point another way soon(!) Well, can't stand here talking all day.
I better get on with it.
Well, as I was saying As I was saying.
He took her to Majorca, Tenerife It's all a bit flash.
This year it's skiing.
Skiing? That's very flash.
She was telling Wendy Harper's lass, from the hairdresser's And what she spends in there! Show me an expensive hairstyle and I'll show you somebody who's no better than she should be.
I always say, tidy, but unattractive is the soundest base for an unblemished reputation.
Got it cracked then, haven't you? Oh, no! Hello.
What are you doing? The shelves Don't you start.
Don't panic! Tha's absolutely safe till I get my legs back.
Stop exaggerating! You all right, Barry? She says I was earwigging.
I wasn't! What did tha learn? This year he's taking her skiing.
The kitchen, Barry! Finish that other shelf.
Who's taking whom skiing? Never mind that! Whom's paying for three teas? Whom is.
He got my legs in this condition.
Hang around, Luscious, till I'm mobile again.
Oh, get away! You're paying, it seems.
You've been voted in.
Hey, you! Come on! Stay there and behave yourself.
Come all the way by collar, did you? It's good for the legs.
Do you know the best exercise for the legs? Extra marital relations? That straightens your legs out! We were talking about skiing.
Skiing? It's exhilarating.
The nearest thing to flying! Like living next to an airport? But will skiing impress Nora Batty? That's not the only reason for its popularity.
Austria seems a long way to go for a bit of exercise.
I can fix up skiing a lot nearer than Austria.
Austria? Who needs Austria? We've the hills on our doorstep.
Everything we need.
I'm not waiting here till it snows.
Nobody has to wait for snow.
You can ski perfectly well on grass.
Then why isn't everybody doing it? They will, once they see us.
We'd better make the best of the slopes while we can, without the crowds.
What's tha think, Norm? Can't be worse than peddling a pine tree.
Gliding down the slopes! It's one of Life's Great Experiences.
On a bit of plastic? That IS life.
At the heart of every great experience, is this bit of plastic.
You wait till you've tried it.
All right.
It might be all right for gliding, but I tell thee, they're a dead loss for walking.
It's typical.
Moan! Moan! Moan! If he can handle tatty wellies, he can manage a tray.
YOU'RE NOT TRYING! Not trying! Just watch this, son, for a touch of the Ned Kelly's.
# The boy stood on the burning deck.
His legs were all a-quiver.
# He gave a cough, his leg fell off, and floated down the river.
# Oompah, oompah, stick it up your jumper.
Boom, boom! # He looks like the back end of a camel.
That reminds me.
I must go and see him at the rates office.
Get your feet up! I'm getting the hang of it! I admit.
.
oops they're not designed for walking.
That's MY first impression.
They'll come alive when we get on the slopes.
Off we go.
Over the wall! Over the wall.
These are real handy for getting about on (!) Don't start moaning again.
It's a wonder more people don't wear trays on their feet.
All right.
If we can't do it one way, we'll do it another.
Or we could give in and go home.
Nonsense! That's typical.
You spend your life developing a philosophy, such as always being ready to give in and go home, then somebody comes along, and dismisses it as nonsense.
Giving in was not in our vocabulary at the Utterthwaite Academy.
I was sometimes surprised at what WAS in their vocabulary.
Let's get some order in this.
One at a time.
You stand over there.
I'm in detention again, Norm.
Cleg, you move that way, too.
Now let's see.
Get off! You're on me tray.
Sorry.
Let me help.
You're too close together.
YOU'RE on me tray now.
Move the other foot.
He's standing on that! LOUD STRUGGLES What are they doing? Ring-a-ring-a-roses? I hope so.
'Cos if it's anything else, the mind boggles.
Do you think it's illegal? It damn well ought to be.
You hear about witchcraft and black magic, and standing in circles performing weird ceremonies.
Do you think that's it? Do you think they're just good friends? Don't look at their eyes.
If you do, they've got you.
See what you get for trampling on people's trays! We'll say we're a formation dancing team.
That's practically a confession.
You! Sit on the wall.
Why me? Don't argue.
Everything's calculated.
This isn't off the top of my head.
More like out the back of your neck.
Sit on the wall.
Clegg and I will help you across, then you can help US across.
It's better than holding hands.
If me mam's up there in heaven, she'll turn in her grave.
If your mam's watching, it'll be for the Rent Man.
Wherever she is, she'll still owe the Rent Man.
Everybody owes him! We'll take you by the trays and help you.
I never thought to see the day I'd be taking anybody by the trays.
Hey up, Norm.
That cap's getting a bit thin on top.
My God, I'm going bald.
Now, when I say "lift", we take him by the trays, and help him over.
Nothing to it.
Go on.
He made a right bog of that, didn't he? You great twit! That's it.
Go on.
Blame us.
Huh! Huh! Why can't we stand up? We can't stand up because of gravity.
Translation, Norm? We can't stand up, because we might start sliding down the slope.
Ta, ever so.
You're welcome.
Might start sliding? We WILL start sliding! These things on our feet are lethal, high-speed instruments.
We daren't stand up till we're absolutely ready to go.
Right.
This looks good.
Now, spread out.
Let's give ourselves plenty of room.
Now we raise ourselves upright, v-e-r-y slowly.
When we're ready, just lean forward, and off we go.
And off we And off Don't worry.
All we need is a bit steeper slope.
BOTH: Everything's been calculated (!) I don't know this place.
Where are we? Alone at last.
Really alone? Except for the occasional hiker.
What are we supposed to be doing? Looking at this Stone Age Burial Ground.
It's not exactly one, but we could swear we thought that's what it was.
You think very deeply about things, don't you, Howard? Married men do.
I've noticed it before.
Sometimes you catch them looking as if they've got a lot on their mind.
What was that? That's the look! What is it, lovey? I heard footsteps.
We're alone up here.
I've got exceptional auditory faculties for me age.
I love it.
Whatever it turns out to be, I love it! Howard! Marina! I can feel your heart pounding.
Pound for pound, I'm in good fettle.
ReallyPOUNDING! CLANKING NOISE All right.
We need proper skis, and streamlined clothes.
Oh.
Ah! AAGH! He's getting the hang of it (!) I don't think I fancy that lot.
Me neither.
You'd have to be REALLY qualified, before you start on that bit.
Oh, aye.
After you.
Oh, heck.
I'm going.
I'M GOING! Oh, ohh I think another cushion, Edith.
Mind, Wesley.
Don't stand in our Seymour's light.
Seymour's light now, is it? I thought it were God's.
I didn't realise He was family.
When you're not in that shed, half-way up an exhaust pipe, you're unbearable! Oh, oh Does it hurt, love? It's agony, Edith.
You see, he's so brave.
It's the public school, you know.
Are my chaps still outside, Wesley? They need better skis.
I'm not making skis.
How can you refuse? He's given his leg for the cause? I'll draw you what I need.
I want YOU to make me the Utterthwaite Ski.
I'm in the middle of an engine.
Move your great carcase and do it.
He's suffering! Aagh! Oh, don't.
Are my chaps still outside, Edith? They must worship him.
What it is to be a leader of men.
I remember our Grandad was just the same about Lord Kitchener, or was it Admiral Beatty? Can you bring my chaps in? What! Both of them? The tatty one as well? If you'd be so kind.
All the way in? I have instructions for them.
Not just as far as the kitchen? I need to see them! What are you grinning at? Fetch them in! Come along.
Let's have you.
They're laughing.
They're not laughing! It's a bita bit of hay fever.
Why would they be laughing? Because I look like a right twit.
Hands up those who think he looks like a twit? Wear something streamlined, he says.
It slows your speed down, unless your clothing is skin tight.
Tha didn't mention a corset or elastic stockings! It's no longer elastic stockings and a corset, it's your Downhill Racer's outfit.
Cobblers! I feel like a poor man's Danny La Rue.
Worth every penny.
With that outfit, and the Utterthwaite Ski, you could get your name in the papers.
For wearing ladies' corsets! Feast your eyes on this! I'm not doing it.
Forget it! Scrub it out! Just rub it out.
Your public awaits! Would I be showing off if I did it now? Absolutely.
I'll do it.
Who invited her? Who do you mean, lovey? That Stone Age Sight you're always looking for.
I hardly know the woman.
^ Hello, Howard.
She's obviously made a mistake.
I hope you're getting all the calories you need from romance, because home cooking-wise, you've just started a really miserable diet.
Hello, Barry.
Oh! Hello, Marina.
I swear you get more attractive, Barry.
Mind, I don't really need glasses.
It's amazing what you can do without glasses.
What's Barry doing, talking to her? I shouldn't worry.
He's not bright enough to come to any harm.
True.
Of all the gifts you can be born with, perhaps the most precious you can hope for in a man, is a low I.
Q.
I've been very lucky that way.
I can see what you mean.
On the other hand, our Seymour has a very high I.
Q.
It was mentioned before he even went to school.
Who by? Probably their Seymour.
His Grandmother knew, ignorant old woman that she was.
"Some day", she used to prophesy, "that lad will go to Grammar School.
" She had the second sight.
She was on the Education Committee! Stop looking so worried, man.
It's just a trial run.
You'll stop when you come to the end of Wesley's tow rope.
Waagh! Help! H-e-l-p! Aagh! Get him off.
Get him off! Hang on, love.
I've only just got here.