Married with Children s10e05 Episode Script
How Bleen Was My Kelly
Peg.
Bud.
Would you get the door? My arms are full.
- Coming.
- Coming.
There's no place like home.
Al, if you're gonna come in, could you shut the door? Peg, if you're gonna live here, could you shut your mouth? You know, Peg, this dog is chewing a hole in our budget.
Look at these.
Kibbles, dog biscuits, Liver Snaps.
Well, actually, Al, those are for Mom.
Oh, why didn't you say so? Oh, food.
An escape from this hellhole.
Bud, you're in college.
I mean, you don't go to parties or get laid or anything but you did take classes, right? - Is there a point to this barrage, Dad? - Is there? Oh, that's right, you're smart.
Where the hell is my paycheck going? Luckily, Dad, I've put all the family finances right here in this computer.
You put something I don't have into something I don't understand.
You know, that reminds me of our sex life.
That's putting something I have in something I don't like.
Dad, look.
Look, here's a list of all the salaries of all the occupations in the world.
And here is what you make.
That's what I make? I'm a paperboy.
Oh, no, Al, paperboys can afford bicycles.
There must be someone out there that makes less than I do.
Mom, Dad, Bud.
You'll never guess what I got.
A better game would be Guess What You Haven't Got.
I'll take Virginity for $100.
Oh, that's funny.
Nobody will take yours for less than a thousand.
Anyway, I got a part in a TV movie.
Who are you gonna play, honey? Madame Curie.
To prepare for the part, I thought I'd get some firsthand experience of what it's like to be Madame.
Does anyone know where there's a brothel around here? Well, there's Howie's down by the airport but-- I mean, Madame Curie's not a hooker.
No, she's a famous French chemist who discovered radium down by the airport.
Now, what am I gonna do? I still have to research Madame Curie but I don't know anything about "science.
" Kel, that's science, not "science".
The C is silent.
I knew I should have stayed in shool.
Look, Bud, you're my manager.
Please do something to earn your 75 percent.
Peg, come here.
A Pakistani dirt vendor makes more than I do.
Yeah, and he probably smells better.
Probably has reason to.
I got it, Kel.
I got it.
I'll set you up with this scientist I know at the university.
All you do, pretend you're a professor.
Okay, but, I mean, I think I'd make a more convincing Ginger or Mary Ann don't you think? You must be the new professor.
You must be Gilligan.
Hi.
Kelly Bundy at your service.
So Bud tells me you're in aerospace.
Yeah, well it's not rocket science, but what is? Right.
So what are you working on now? Well, I just received a grant from the Crayola company to invent a new color.
Bleen.
Bleen? Is that a mixture of blue and green? No, of blood and spleen.
You know, it's for the kids who wanna draw accidents.
Yeah.
Really? You would think that Crayola would have enough colors already.
Well, not anymore.
See, they had to get rid of black and white you know, to be politically correct.
They were gonna mix the two together and call it blite but the guy who invented grey back in '74 threatened to sue, so All right.
So, what's your field? - Alchogorentology.
- Oh, right.
What's alchorathincology? It's a study of that age-old question: How much booze can a rat drink before he explodes? - Kennedy grant? - Exactly.
Now, this is your lab station, right here.
Oh, great.
Just like a smaller version of the one I have at home.
That reminds me.
Make sure you take all your findings with you when you leave.
After all, this is academia.
Thievery runs rampant here.
I think I'm gonna like science.
It's like shopping at the mall.
All right.
Now, here's someone who might make less than your father.
Eskimo blubber-chewer.
Nope.
Check French deodorant salesman.
Not even close.
Hey, guys.
Today was my last day at the lab.
It's a good thing too, because there was nothing left to take.
But you know what? I really got into my character.
And just like Madame Curie I threw a bunch of cool, deadly chemicals together and I invented something.
The color bleen.
Mom, check brain-dead blond.
They make way more than your father.
Kelly, where exactly is this color bleen now? Well, since it's a level three biohazard I had to put it where nobody would go.
So I put it in Dad's shower.
You know, I never thought I'd say it, but I really enjoyed that shower.
You didn't wash your hair, did you, Daddy? No, I'm wearing this towel because I wanna get a job as a New York City cabby.
You didn't use the bottle marked "Bleen," did you? Sure did.
It's great.
It tingles.
It's just like the commercial says.
My whole scalp feels alive.
Honey, when you only bathe once every two months, your scalp is alive.
Daddy, Bleen is not a shampoo.
It's a bunch of deadly chemicals that I mixed together at the lab.
It's possible that this tingling you're feeling could be a massive stroke.
Either way, I thank you.
I love Bleen.
What? How do I look? Jumping Jehoshaphat, I'm a hunk! I'm a dude.
I'm a hunky dude! Don't hate me because I'm beautiful.
Wow, Al, you have hair.
- How did that happen? - Who cares? All I know is that Kelly's Bleen has grown what 25 years of you has withered away.
Kelly, man has been seeking the cure for baldness since the invention of the younger woman.
This may make me rich! But don't you mean make us rich? No.
Well, it's Kelly's formula, so I gotta cut her in, of course but the rest of you mean absolutely nothing to me.
Now, wait a sec, now, I'm Kelly's manager.
I get 75 percent of whatever she gets.
Kelly, listen very, very carefully to Daddy.
Number one, Bud is fired.
Number two, do you remember how to make Bleen? And can you make lots and lots for Daddy? - Yeah.
- Oh, sweetheart! If you can make Daddy some Bleen, I'll buy you an acting career.
You'll be the next Tori Spelling.
Okay.
But prettier, right? - Hell, Two-Face is prettier.
- Oh, I know.
Sweetheart, if you're going out, would you get me some mousse - and a scrunchie? - Okay, Daddy.
You won't get away with this, Pop.
I'll sue.
Sue away.
You get in line behind Sy Sperling and his soon-to-be-defunct Hair Club for Men.
Because when this comes out, I'm gonna be one hairy millionaire.
Hey, Al, what about side effects? You know, no one markets a product without testing it.
Oh, no, Peg? Cigarettes Ford Pinto that condom I used on our wedding night.
Read my lips, Peg.
There are no side effects.
Okay, all right.
By the way, Peg, you look really good this afternoon.
Who said that? Al, that is the nicest thing you've said to me in years.
You know, I have a sudden urge to take you upstairs and have sex with you-- Who said that? Well, let's go.
Wait a second, Peg.
Wait, I better test this Bleen a little bit.
Wait a minute, Peg.
Wait, wait.
God, you look beautiful.
Who the hell said that? Oh, my God, somebody shoot me! I now call this meeting of No Ma'am to order, to announce the results of the final tests of Al Bundy's Bleen.
I mean, Kelly and Al Bundy's Bleen.
I now give you my wonderful daughter, whom I love more than anything.
Thank you, Daddy.
Now, placebos were given to the first group, group A.
Things to do: Make will.
Cut family out of will.
Make tender love to wife, with lights on.
What? Now, as you can see in the first group there's been no hair growth at all.
By the way, what was that placebo we took? Birth control pills.
You're both dismissed.
Hey, is it just me, or are your breasts getting bigger too? No, but I have switched to Lightdays.
Now, everybody in group B took Bleen.
Solid.
And the Bleen has worked in every case.
I think the evidence speaks for itself.
Kelly, go inside and alert the media.
Particularly those with receding hairlines.
David Brinkley, Willard Scott Barbara Walters.
Guys, am I the only one in the Bleen group who's had this horrible urge to do the girlfriend thing with the wife? Oh, thank God I'm not alone.
I carried the wife across the threshold.
I told her that I loved her.
I even had foreplay.
Hey, so what? Last night I pleasured my ex-wife and paid her back alimony.
Yeah, well, that's nothing.
When I was making love to Marcie I was fantasizing about - Marcie.
- Oh, man, that's sick! Settle, settle.
Gentlemen! Gentlemen, we are on the horns of a dilemma.
By marketing Bleen, we'll make millions.
Well, I will.
But we'll also be condemning mankind to a lifetime of lights-on bags-off, wife-pleasing sex.
Okay, then it's settled.
We can't sell Bleen.
We'd be as hated as the guy who invented the G-spot.
Hey, who was that guy? I don't know.
Kenny G? Al, we gotta do something.
I mean, No Ma'am is turning into Yes Ma'am.
He's right.
I don't know how many more times I can sex the ex.
Well Kelly invented Bleen maybe she can also invent an antidote.
But she's gonna need a guinea pig.
No problem.
I'll take full responsibility.
A Bundy got you into this a Bundy will get you out.
Okay, Bud, I think I found the antidote.
Are you ready for the last test? Hell, I'm ready for the last rites.
- Go ahead.
- Okay.
I want you, Bud.
What for? It worked! The antidote worked.
It worked.
It worked.
There's gotta be someone out there even more worthless than me.
Yeah, well, I'd like to meet him.
Well, here it is, Peg.
Occupation, none.
Skill, none.
Use, none.
Peg, say hi to Public Loafer Number 1.
How you doing, son? How are you--? - How are you feeling? - Oh, just great, Dad.
Yeah, trying to find the cure for Bleen turned me into a bitter, sexless, aging loser.
I might as well sell women's shoes.
Come on, Dad.
You gotta help me.
I can't stay like this forever.
Son, I-- Yeah, I mean to tell you something here.
See, son, I-- I still have some Bleen.
Yeah, I saved it, you know, in case your mother should accidentally tie herself up to a railroad track and I'd be single again.
But since she'd probably just derail the train, I-- I'm happy to give it to you.
It's upstairs in my shower.
Thanks, Dad.
I'll just run up and go get it.
That Bleen made me so horny I'm gonna rent me 101 Dalmatians.
And I don't mean the movie.
Hey, you guys, it's starting.
My Madame Curie is on.
- Oh, what channel is it on, honey? - Fox.
Assume Fox-viewing positions.
And now, from the makers of: Buttafuoco: Misunderstood Family Man or Giant, Fat Sleazoid? we proudly present: Madame Curie: Misunderstood Scientist or Syph-Ridden Whoremonger? Sailor, is that radium in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?
Bud.
Would you get the door? My arms are full.
- Coming.
- Coming.
There's no place like home.
Al, if you're gonna come in, could you shut the door? Peg, if you're gonna live here, could you shut your mouth? You know, Peg, this dog is chewing a hole in our budget.
Look at these.
Kibbles, dog biscuits, Liver Snaps.
Well, actually, Al, those are for Mom.
Oh, why didn't you say so? Oh, food.
An escape from this hellhole.
Bud, you're in college.
I mean, you don't go to parties or get laid or anything but you did take classes, right? - Is there a point to this barrage, Dad? - Is there? Oh, that's right, you're smart.
Where the hell is my paycheck going? Luckily, Dad, I've put all the family finances right here in this computer.
You put something I don't have into something I don't understand.
You know, that reminds me of our sex life.
That's putting something I have in something I don't like.
Dad, look.
Look, here's a list of all the salaries of all the occupations in the world.
And here is what you make.
That's what I make? I'm a paperboy.
Oh, no, Al, paperboys can afford bicycles.
There must be someone out there that makes less than I do.
Mom, Dad, Bud.
You'll never guess what I got.
A better game would be Guess What You Haven't Got.
I'll take Virginity for $100.
Oh, that's funny.
Nobody will take yours for less than a thousand.
Anyway, I got a part in a TV movie.
Who are you gonna play, honey? Madame Curie.
To prepare for the part, I thought I'd get some firsthand experience of what it's like to be Madame.
Does anyone know where there's a brothel around here? Well, there's Howie's down by the airport but-- I mean, Madame Curie's not a hooker.
No, she's a famous French chemist who discovered radium down by the airport.
Now, what am I gonna do? I still have to research Madame Curie but I don't know anything about "science.
" Kel, that's science, not "science".
The C is silent.
I knew I should have stayed in shool.
Look, Bud, you're my manager.
Please do something to earn your 75 percent.
Peg, come here.
A Pakistani dirt vendor makes more than I do.
Yeah, and he probably smells better.
Probably has reason to.
I got it, Kel.
I got it.
I'll set you up with this scientist I know at the university.
All you do, pretend you're a professor.
Okay, but, I mean, I think I'd make a more convincing Ginger or Mary Ann don't you think? You must be the new professor.
You must be Gilligan.
Hi.
Kelly Bundy at your service.
So Bud tells me you're in aerospace.
Yeah, well it's not rocket science, but what is? Right.
So what are you working on now? Well, I just received a grant from the Crayola company to invent a new color.
Bleen.
Bleen? Is that a mixture of blue and green? No, of blood and spleen.
You know, it's for the kids who wanna draw accidents.
Yeah.
Really? You would think that Crayola would have enough colors already.
Well, not anymore.
See, they had to get rid of black and white you know, to be politically correct.
They were gonna mix the two together and call it blite but the guy who invented grey back in '74 threatened to sue, so All right.
So, what's your field? - Alchogorentology.
- Oh, right.
What's alchorathincology? It's a study of that age-old question: How much booze can a rat drink before he explodes? - Kennedy grant? - Exactly.
Now, this is your lab station, right here.
Oh, great.
Just like a smaller version of the one I have at home.
That reminds me.
Make sure you take all your findings with you when you leave.
After all, this is academia.
Thievery runs rampant here.
I think I'm gonna like science.
It's like shopping at the mall.
All right.
Now, here's someone who might make less than your father.
Eskimo blubber-chewer.
Nope.
Check French deodorant salesman.
Not even close.
Hey, guys.
Today was my last day at the lab.
It's a good thing too, because there was nothing left to take.
But you know what? I really got into my character.
And just like Madame Curie I threw a bunch of cool, deadly chemicals together and I invented something.
The color bleen.
Mom, check brain-dead blond.
They make way more than your father.
Kelly, where exactly is this color bleen now? Well, since it's a level three biohazard I had to put it where nobody would go.
So I put it in Dad's shower.
You know, I never thought I'd say it, but I really enjoyed that shower.
You didn't wash your hair, did you, Daddy? No, I'm wearing this towel because I wanna get a job as a New York City cabby.
You didn't use the bottle marked "Bleen," did you? Sure did.
It's great.
It tingles.
It's just like the commercial says.
My whole scalp feels alive.
Honey, when you only bathe once every two months, your scalp is alive.
Daddy, Bleen is not a shampoo.
It's a bunch of deadly chemicals that I mixed together at the lab.
It's possible that this tingling you're feeling could be a massive stroke.
Either way, I thank you.
I love Bleen.
What? How do I look? Jumping Jehoshaphat, I'm a hunk! I'm a dude.
I'm a hunky dude! Don't hate me because I'm beautiful.
Wow, Al, you have hair.
- How did that happen? - Who cares? All I know is that Kelly's Bleen has grown what 25 years of you has withered away.
Kelly, man has been seeking the cure for baldness since the invention of the younger woman.
This may make me rich! But don't you mean make us rich? No.
Well, it's Kelly's formula, so I gotta cut her in, of course but the rest of you mean absolutely nothing to me.
Now, wait a sec, now, I'm Kelly's manager.
I get 75 percent of whatever she gets.
Kelly, listen very, very carefully to Daddy.
Number one, Bud is fired.
Number two, do you remember how to make Bleen? And can you make lots and lots for Daddy? - Yeah.
- Oh, sweetheart! If you can make Daddy some Bleen, I'll buy you an acting career.
You'll be the next Tori Spelling.
Okay.
But prettier, right? - Hell, Two-Face is prettier.
- Oh, I know.
Sweetheart, if you're going out, would you get me some mousse - and a scrunchie? - Okay, Daddy.
You won't get away with this, Pop.
I'll sue.
Sue away.
You get in line behind Sy Sperling and his soon-to-be-defunct Hair Club for Men.
Because when this comes out, I'm gonna be one hairy millionaire.
Hey, Al, what about side effects? You know, no one markets a product without testing it.
Oh, no, Peg? Cigarettes Ford Pinto that condom I used on our wedding night.
Read my lips, Peg.
There are no side effects.
Okay, all right.
By the way, Peg, you look really good this afternoon.
Who said that? Al, that is the nicest thing you've said to me in years.
You know, I have a sudden urge to take you upstairs and have sex with you-- Who said that? Well, let's go.
Wait a second, Peg.
Wait, I better test this Bleen a little bit.
Wait a minute, Peg.
Wait, wait.
God, you look beautiful.
Who the hell said that? Oh, my God, somebody shoot me! I now call this meeting of No Ma'am to order, to announce the results of the final tests of Al Bundy's Bleen.
I mean, Kelly and Al Bundy's Bleen.
I now give you my wonderful daughter, whom I love more than anything.
Thank you, Daddy.
Now, placebos were given to the first group, group A.
Things to do: Make will.
Cut family out of will.
Make tender love to wife, with lights on.
What? Now, as you can see in the first group there's been no hair growth at all.
By the way, what was that placebo we took? Birth control pills.
You're both dismissed.
Hey, is it just me, or are your breasts getting bigger too? No, but I have switched to Lightdays.
Now, everybody in group B took Bleen.
Solid.
And the Bleen has worked in every case.
I think the evidence speaks for itself.
Kelly, go inside and alert the media.
Particularly those with receding hairlines.
David Brinkley, Willard Scott Barbara Walters.
Guys, am I the only one in the Bleen group who's had this horrible urge to do the girlfriend thing with the wife? Oh, thank God I'm not alone.
I carried the wife across the threshold.
I told her that I loved her.
I even had foreplay.
Hey, so what? Last night I pleasured my ex-wife and paid her back alimony.
Yeah, well, that's nothing.
When I was making love to Marcie I was fantasizing about - Marcie.
- Oh, man, that's sick! Settle, settle.
Gentlemen! Gentlemen, we are on the horns of a dilemma.
By marketing Bleen, we'll make millions.
Well, I will.
But we'll also be condemning mankind to a lifetime of lights-on bags-off, wife-pleasing sex.
Okay, then it's settled.
We can't sell Bleen.
We'd be as hated as the guy who invented the G-spot.
Hey, who was that guy? I don't know.
Kenny G? Al, we gotta do something.
I mean, No Ma'am is turning into Yes Ma'am.
He's right.
I don't know how many more times I can sex the ex.
Well Kelly invented Bleen maybe she can also invent an antidote.
But she's gonna need a guinea pig.
No problem.
I'll take full responsibility.
A Bundy got you into this a Bundy will get you out.
Okay, Bud, I think I found the antidote.
Are you ready for the last test? Hell, I'm ready for the last rites.
- Go ahead.
- Okay.
I want you, Bud.
What for? It worked! The antidote worked.
It worked.
It worked.
There's gotta be someone out there even more worthless than me.
Yeah, well, I'd like to meet him.
Well, here it is, Peg.
Occupation, none.
Skill, none.
Use, none.
Peg, say hi to Public Loafer Number 1.
How you doing, son? How are you--? - How are you feeling? - Oh, just great, Dad.
Yeah, trying to find the cure for Bleen turned me into a bitter, sexless, aging loser.
I might as well sell women's shoes.
Come on, Dad.
You gotta help me.
I can't stay like this forever.
Son, I-- Yeah, I mean to tell you something here.
See, son, I-- I still have some Bleen.
Yeah, I saved it, you know, in case your mother should accidentally tie herself up to a railroad track and I'd be single again.
But since she'd probably just derail the train, I-- I'm happy to give it to you.
It's upstairs in my shower.
Thanks, Dad.
I'll just run up and go get it.
That Bleen made me so horny I'm gonna rent me 101 Dalmatians.
And I don't mean the movie.
Hey, you guys, it's starting.
My Madame Curie is on.
- Oh, what channel is it on, honey? - Fox.
Assume Fox-viewing positions.
And now, from the makers of: Buttafuoco: Misunderstood Family Man or Giant, Fat Sleazoid? we proudly present: Madame Curie: Misunderstood Scientist or Syph-Ridden Whoremonger? Sailor, is that radium in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?