Frasier s10e09 Episode Script

F R A S I E R (10x09) - Don't Go Breaking My Heart - So what's the plan? Are we going to turn off the lights and jump out and yell "surprise!" Oh yes, Roz, let's startle a man who just had open-heart surgery.
- Sorry, I can't get used to thinking of Niles as "sick.
" - Oh, Niles is great.
All these exercises he's doing, he's going to be just as strong as he ever was.
- Here's the guest of honor.
- Niles, good to see you out and about! - You look great! - Thank you! Thank you, I tell you it's good to be out after being cooped up in that apartment all week.
Hello.
I never thought I'd grow tired of reading Flaubert.
Oh please, he's been parked on his ass watching soap operas.
- Niles! Not the soaps! You can't be serious.
- Well, I'm hardly hooked.
They fascinate me as-as cultural artifact.
I was telling Gertrude: their use of stock figures is reminiscent of "commedia dell'arte".
Yes, uh, Esther is Punchinello, Victor is Flavio, and Nikki well, she's just the town pump.
- Now do you see why I need my own telly, Daphne.
- You have one in Manchester.
Here's champagne and sparkling cider for you, Niles.
- and help yourself to brunch whenever you're ready.
- I would stay away from the sausage.
They're not sausages, Dad, they're "soysages.
" Niles is on a postoperative diet.
We are trying to support him.
- Oh, sorry.
What about the bacon? - "Fake-un.
" Okay, everyone, I'd like to propose a toast.
To my family and friends, your love and support - have been overwhelming.
- Oh, Niles! - No,no.
You know during my operation, I was technically dead for several minutes.
- Yes, we know son, you told us.
- But, it gave me a fresh perspective on everything.
It took a brush with death to remind me how lucky I am to be alive.
And Gertrude, thank you for giving up the guest bedroom so that I don't have to climb all those stairs.
Oh, no, I'm happy to sleep on that sofa bed with its hard metal frame.
You have a nice soft bed in Manchester.
Oh, Daphne, it's okay.
Her bracing honesty reminds me that I'm alive.
You you oh, you! You are a treasure to me.
I cherish every day we're together.
Oh, thank you, Niles! There may be others around here who could benefit from a near-death experience.
- Well, let's eat before the fake-un loses its shape.
- Wow! - Niles is really loving life with a vengeance.
- I did too after I got shot.
My first day back at the precinct I went around hugging all the guys telling them all I loved them.
- How long did that last? - Until they started calling me "Martina.
" - It is kind of weird seeing Niles all lovey-dovey with Mrs.
Moon.
- Believe me when you're in that state, you can find something to love even in the biggest jerk.
Roz, I want to tell you, you are a treasure.
Maybe I don't say it often enough, but you are.
Shut up, "Martina"! Hi.
- I know that song.
- Yes, Mozart Symphony No.
40: Molto Allegro.
I just bought this new recording for Niles.
It is fantastic! - I've never heard such string articulation.
- Oh, I remember what it is! It's that commercial with the singing cats.
- One of the cats was wearing a tiny tuxedo.
- Good! So few cats dress for the symphony anymore.
- Oh, hi guys! - Guess who just walked a mile on the treadmill? Oh way to go, Niles! The doctor says he's in the 95th percentile of patients recovering from bypass surgery.
- 95%! That's wonderful, Niles! - Well, now Frasier, good health is not a competition! When you've heard time's winged chariot hurrying here, as I have, every day is a gift.
Oh, yoiks, what tone-deaf prankster gave you this? - You'veheard it? - Well, as much as I could bear.
Did you hear what the conductor - did to the Andante? I just hope he bought it dinner first.
- I couldn't agree more, Niles.
- Frasier, you said you loved that CD.
- Niles has convinced my otherwise.
- You know, I'm in the mood for a scone.
Help me pick one out.
- All right.
- That was weird.
- I'll say.
Who can't pick out their own scone? No.
I mean you and Niles.
Usually that would have been a long argument - ending in tears and cursing in Italian.
- Those days are over, Roz.
- What happened? - Well, it's a long story.
Okay.
When Niles was in the hospital and he was being wheeled into surgery he looked so frail and vulnerable, so I I took my case to a higher power.
Hello, God.
It's me, Dr.
Frasier Crane.
Though I don't talk to you as often as I should, I want to thank you for all the times you've indulged me in the past - although I have yet to see the inside of the Empire Club.
Just kidding.
Anyway, today I ask you to look after my brother Niles Crane.
I love him, even if I don't always show it, and I regret all the time he and I have wasted in petty quarrels.
If you spare him, Oh Lord, I promise to cherish every moment we have together.
But Frasier, you don't think God is going to strike Niles down if you get in an argument? Well, technically, the way it's structured, he'd come after me, seeing as I was the one who initiated the deal, you see.
Oh, oh, uh, let's get this to go.
My soap starts in twenty minutes.
Ashley might come out of her coma today.
You know, since your recovery's going so well, maybe we should check you out, make sure all your equipment's working properly.
You're not talking about my exercise bicycle, are you? Mmm-mmm.
The doctor said it would be OK.
If you need second opinion, maybe Nurse Naughty could make a house call.
I could use a checkup but we should err on the side of caution.
In a few weeks, I have another stress test.
And if all goes well, Nurse Naughty will be one satisfied health care professional.
- See you! Bye! Bye, guys! - Bye.
Oh, Niles, wait.
Frasier says the string articulation is really good.
In this? Frasier, I hold your opinion in highest regard, but are you nuts? - Perhaps I am, Niles, thank you.
- Maybe get your hearing checked.
- I'll do that.
Thank you, Niles.
- I'll see you later! Very amusing! I get it.
Ha-ha.
.
Oh, oh, here they are.
Frasier, tell them what you told me.
Freud is the poor man's Jung.
I never thought I'd live to see the day.
Perhaps this is why I was spared.
Niles, how was your stress test? Oh, uh, the doctor cleared me for normal food and-and regular - physical activity.
- Oh, Darling, that's wonderful! - Yes, in moderation, of course.
- Congratulations, son.
- Thanks.
- You know, perhaps now, Niles, we can get back to the squash courts.
- Oh, I don't think so.
- But the doctor said it was OK.
- Yes, but shouldn't there be more to life than competition for useless bragging rights? You didn't think they were useless three months ago when you won.
You bragged for three months.
I've changed a lot since then.
The point is - that I have roses to stop and smell.
- So let me get this straight.
- You're going to give up squash and smell roses.
- Poor Frasier.
I hope that you don't have to go through what I did in order - to become as wise as me.
- You can still be wise AND play squash.
- Yeah, Daphne's right.
Go out and have some fun.
- But I am having fun! Since my incident, birds sing more sweetly.
The sky is so much bluer.
Niles, it has rained every day this week.
- I see rain differently too.
- You know, there's something I need to tell you.
It's something on my mind You were saying, Frasier? Nothing.
Hey, Dr.
Crane.
Well, my grand- mother died a two weeks ago Frasier, I'm sorry to interrupt, but we have Dr.
Niles Crane on line two.
I'm sure you all remember my brother Niles from our last segment.
I'm sure all my listeners join me in hoping - he can get back to work real soon.
- Thank you, Frasier.
.
I just thought I'd add the perspective of one who has ducked the scythe of the Grim Reaper.
By all means, go ahead, Niles.
Grant, your grandmother knows how you feel.
When I was briefly dead, the overriding feeling I had was the love of my family and friends.
- Wow! So I shouldn't feel bad? - Certainly not.
Get out there and live your life, Grant.
Carpe that diem.
- Isn't that right, Frasier? - I couldn't agree more, Niles.
We'll be right back after traffic.
I'm beginning to regret betting on the clown.
Roz, I can't eat.
I can't sleep.
I just lie awake in bed at night mentally arguing with Niles.
And I win every time! Frasier, this is insane.
You really think something bad will happen if you break your deal with God? - Oh, of course not.
Well, maybe a little.
I don't know.
Roz my brother could have died.
I can't be ungrateful to whatever higher power may have spared him.
I just can't imagine that God would be upset He's God, Roz! Have you read the Old Testament? He can be ruthless! Traffic's done.
You're on in five.
Welcome back, Seattle.
Oh, I see we have someone on line two.
- Go ahead, caller, I'm listening.
-Still me, Frasier.
.
Say, I had some thoughts about your advice to Cynthia from Tacoma - Well, I specifically told him I would pick him up here.
Ah - Sorry.
It's not bad enough he usurps my radio show What are you doing? Oh, you'll think I'm silly, but I'm donating food to the poor.
- Why would I think that's silly? What does that say about me? - No, I was just going to say I do my bit for charity, you know.
I've bid a lot at silent auctions.
No, that's not it.
When I found out Niles needed heart surgery I felt so scared and helpless, so I kind of made a vow that if he came out okay I would do more for the less fortunate.
A vow? You mean, like a promise to God? - Yeah, I know, it must sound absurd to you, a man of science.
- No, no.
Now when exactly did you make this promise? - The night before his surgery.
- The night before, you say.
- Interesting.
You say Niles is at my place? - Yeah.
Excuse me.
Keep up the good work.
- Oh, what's all this? - Food for the poor.
Oh, it must be nice to be poor and have people just giving you food.
- You were up awfully late last night.
- Yeah, I was watching television.
Were you? Or was that husband of yours sneaking upstairs - to demand you perform your wifely chore? - I wish.
He's still not ready to be in the same bed with me.
He's rich, and you don't have to sleep with him.
Rub it in, why don't you? I know he's trying to ease back into things, but it's been weeks since the doctor said he was okay.
Well, isn't it obvious? He's probably not feeling attractive.
I mean, he's all skinny and pale, and now he has that scar, too.
I don't think that's it, Mum.
I just think he's scared and I understand that.
- But how long will it be like this? - Until you stop babying him.
- I'm not babying him.
- Just giving him the time he needs.
- Oh, piffle.
What he needs is a swift kick in the bum.
Look, you've got to seduce him.
Use your feminine wiles.
That's how your brother Billy landed Kevin.
Well, sharing a cell helped.
You know, maybe I'll give that a try.
When Niles walks into the guest room tonight, I'll have a surprise for him – candles, soft music, a negligée nothing too sexy, we don't want to strain his heart.
Well, there's nothing wrong with your ego.
- Thanks for the advice, Mum.
- My pleasure, love.
And since you and Niles will be in the guest room, I'll take your room.
No sense in letting that king-sized bed go to waste.
This time, use a coaster when you take your teeth out.
Stop the tape.
Who's he again? That's Diego, the illegitimate son of Sonia LaFontaine.
He joined the army to avenge the death of his brother.
I'm worried about him.
I'm not sure he's fighting this war for the right reasons.
Hey, you want some of this fancy dessert? It must be really good.
- Cos Frasier said not to touch it.
- No.
No thanks.
I brought some of these tasty rye flats in case I feel peckish.
- They look like wood! I thought your doctor - cleared you to eat normal foods.
- Well, uh, he did.
but I feel my tastes have gotten simpler since I cheated death.
It's hard to explain.
- Don't need to explain to me, son.
I know about cheating death.
That's true, although I think I got a little closer than you.
Oh, really? Well, let's see.
I got shot by a gun, and you ate a bunch of cheese.
I was clinically dead for several minutes! I looked Death in the eye.
Well, you might have looked him in the eye, but I shook his hand.
- Well, I kissed him on the cheek.
- Well, I kissed him on the lips.
Also, Death was a girl.
Dad, I don't want to turn this into a competition.
Just trying - to embrace life to the fullest.
- Oh, will you give it a rest! You haven't embraced a damn thing.
All you're doing is yakking abo ut feeling this and experiencing that.
You're not doing anything.
You won't go back to work, or play squash, or eat what you like.
I'm just, I'm easing into things until I'm back to normal.
- The doctor says you're there.
- I'm just being extra cautious.
Sounds to me like you're afraid, son.
Well, what if I am? Haven't I earned that right? I could have died.
- I understand.
- Okay.
When I got out of the hospital, I was terrified to take a risk.
I didn't want to leave the house.
Ducked for cover every time a car backfired.
I know my fears aren't rational.
I know my heart is sound.
I feel fine.
But I felt fine before this happened.
How do I know, - that the same thing won't - Well, you don't know! That's exactly what I came to realize.
Life's a crap shoot.
We could all go at any time.
That's why we have to make the most of whatever time we've got.
"Like sand through the hourglass, so are the Days of Our Lives" Okay, point taken.
- Thank you, Dad! - Where you going? - To live my life! - You forgot the rye flats.
No, I didn't, Dad.
No, I didn't.
Well, you're not leaving them here! Good evening.
Hello, God, it's me again.
>/i> Dr.
Frasier Crane.
Listen, it seems that when we made our little arrangement, Now, I've had some experience with double-booking, and I know that the person who books first always gets priority.
So as long as Daphne keeps her end – which she is, to the letter - it seems our little arrangement would be rendered null and void.
Ergo, I am now going to yell at my brother.
Unless of course, you give me a sign.
Very well, then.
This is going to be sweet.
- Niles! - You're 40 minutes late.
No matter, I have more important things to do.
Not so fast, Mister! You, sir, have been insufferable for the past few weeks.
It might enlighten you to know that your endless preaching was nothing more - than a thin cover for your fear - Yes, I know.
Dad just told me, And he's right.
I've been an ass lately.
Sorry, but I have to go.
My wife is waiting for me.
- Frankly, Frasier, I'm surprised you didn't bring this up sooner.
- But Huh Well played, God.
I'll see you at Easter.
Niles! What happened? - Are you all right? - Yes.
I just jumped into bed with your mother.
- Oh, dear.
No wonder she screamed.
- That wasn't her.
- What were you doing in there? - I just wanted to take my wife into my arms and show her how much I love her.
- Are you sure you're ready? - Trust me.
If my heart can take THAT, it can take anything.