King of the Hill s10e09 Episode Script

1 Well, I'm off to the pet store.
Turns out I didn't solve their rat problem.
I solved their gerbil problem.
Dang ol' jury duty, man.
Well, I'm right behind you.
I gotta get to the office to work on my presentation to Buck.
I'm trying to convince him to put in a new patio where customers can test drive the grills.
People are more likely to listen to your ideas if you make eye contact and say their name Hank.
KAHN: Stupid lottery.
I don't know what I'm doing wrong.
I live in hillbilly neighborhood, I buy ticket in crap part of town Buying lottery tickets is like buying health insurance.
A sucker's game.
How else am I supposed to rise above this mediocre existence? I already try marrying into money.
Minh lied to me! Hey, Kahn, I know the secret to success: Hard work.
Aw, and I leaned in for that, too.
( chuckling ) Yeah, man.
Hard work fine for you sweat stains, but I'm meant for better things.
I need new lucky numbers.
Hey, Dauterive, what date your wife leave you? ( phone ringing ) I'll get it.
Don't answer it! This is exactly why we got caller ID.
To weed out the un-wantables.
"Out of area?" I say "out of luck!" Wow! Can I not answer the next call? Sure.
I should tell Nancy about this.
I have just ended the telemarketing industry as we know it.
( line ringing ) Hmm, maybe she's not home.
But her car's in the driveway.
PEGGY: Oh, there she is.
( gasping ) You've been screened.
So as you can see, we can use last month's unexpected cold snap profits to build a test grill patio.
I figure instead of just seeing pictures of char patterns, customers can actually live them.
Ahh where did I lose you, sir? What? Oh, I'm sorry, Ol' Top.
I just got no head for business right now.
Last night I was out with one of my lady friends, and the bartender asked me what my granddaughter would like to drink.
They used to ask what my daughter wanted.
Yeah, well, maybe you need to clear your head for an important decision like this.
You know, I'm going over to Scrubby's car wash tonight for cruise night.
That's always a good time.
Why don't you come along? They still do that? I haven't been there since my first girlfriend threw up Tickled Pink all over my Mustang.
I'm in! Aw, stupid boss make me stay late again.
I know he still mad 'cause I tried to wipe off his wife's birthmark at last year's Christmas party.
That not your fault, Kahn.
Everyone there thought it was barbecue sauce.
Life so unfair.
Is it too much to ask that when I walk by people say, "Look at that lucky bastard.
I hate him.
" Hmm.
ANNOUNCER ( on TV ): Money, money, money Quick, Minh, turn up the TV.
Steak and lobster again.
Am I tired of it? You bet I'm not! Friends, you too can be rich like Dr.
Money and have champagne for breakfast and caviar for your cats! How much return do you want for your investment? 100%? 200%? Okay, Mr.
Hard Bargain-- 400%! And all by just walking out to your mailbox! Of course, walking to mailbox not so easy when your mansion this big! ( Beach Boys "Fun, Fun, Fun" playing ) ( chattering ) Hey, Bob, want me to help you wind that thing up so you can drive it home? ( laughing ) Good one, Hank.
Because I'll do it! Okay, Hank, you went past the joke.
Hey, Mr.
Strickland, glad you could make it.
We were making fun of Bob Choate's Chevelle if you want to join in.
Choate's here? Aw, dang, I slept with his wife.
Hey, nice car.
You gonna give me a ride sometime? Dang ol' yo.
Hey.
[ Giggling .]
( wolf whistle ) They didn't even give my Caddy a second look.
Uh, today I get stuck in elevator for six hours.
Best day of my career.
Ah, Kahn, you got a serious case of the blues.
You better see a doctor.
Oh! ( theme music playing ) Congratulations, future millionaire.
Before we begin, I must ask you to lower your blinds and pull your curtains, so that only you can benefit from Dr.
Money's wealth secrets.
Tell me, what would you rather do: work hard all your life for peanuts, or get rich by doing this? Owning a turnkey operation.
What is a turnkey operation, Dr.
Money? I'm glad you asked, Amber.
A turnkey operation is a business that runs itself while you just reap the rewards for doing absolutely nothing! GIRL: Dr.
Money, do you think I could own a turnkey operation? Absolutely, Rio.
This is America.
All you have to do is leverage your home, car or other assets into a no-money down loan.
Wow! Wow! Oh, of course, a turnkey operation.
Now we just need to find one.
Why wouldn't Nancy take my call? I'm her best friend.
And she's one of my friends.
Maybe she just didn't feel like talking.
Nancy? Please.
Blah-blah-blah- blah-blah.
Maybe she's mad at me for some reason.
You should ask her Oh, right, she won't pick up the phone.
Well, there's only one alternative.
We are going to stand outside that house and spy on her.
I wish I knew how it felt to be a classic car that everyone loved and wanted to wash with a sponge.
Wish granted.
( engine revs, rumbles ) Yeah, feast your eyes on my mint condition 1969 Plymouth Barracuda, Ol' Top.
Well, you gals look pretty enough to be on a mud flap.
( giggling ) Want a ride? I wonder if that's the line that charmed Bob Choate's wife.
( horn honking ) Dang it, Kahn, you can't just cut to the front of the line.
Oh, are you saying I act like I own the place? Well, guess what-- I do! See, I need to get rich and once I found out you dumb rednecks pay someone else so you can wash your own car, I knew I'd found my turnkey gold mine.
Hey! You guys! No loitering! This not a coffee shop! You pay, spray, then go away! GIRL: Oh, let's go.
( tires screeching ) Come again! I don't get it, Kahn.
How in the world did you wind up buying Scrubby's? By not listening to you.
You think hard work is secret to success, but I get second opinion-- from Dr.
Money! I just leverage house to raise capital, and then find turnkey owner with a little problem.
Glug-glug-glug! Six martinis later, I own Scrubby's! Now I'm on Easy Street.
( laughs ) I show you! There are no shortcuts.
Trust me, Kahn.
You're going to see I'm What, Hank? I can't hear you over jangling of success.
KAHN: Oh, Minh, come here.
You ever make love to a future millionaire on pile of quarters? No.
But ask me again tomorrow morning.
Whoo! Look at all these quarters, Minh.
We finally on our way! What are we going to buy first? Oh! We get full-body CAT scans! Yes! And then buy Super Bowl ad to tell my old boss to go to hell! This bed full of quarters is great, but can it really make us happy? Well, you right.
We need more quarters! So you want to make even more money? Well, I say, take a shortcut! Shortcut.
Yes! I knew Hank Hill a moron.
( car engine roaring ) ( Strickland yelling ) ( engine roaring, Strickland yelling ) ( girls laughing ) Whoo-hoo! ( shouting ) Okay.
On my signal, you dial.
Then Joseph will check the caller ID and say it's me.
Then Nancy will say, "Peggy? I don't want to talk to her because of X.
" I don't know, Mom.
And, besides, I don't even think we can hear them.
( no audio ) You're right.
This isn't going to work.
We are going inside.
( chattering ) Oh, Minh, great shortcut.
We got spray time cut in half.
Half the time, twice the money.
KAHN: It going to cost five dollars to vacuum that seat.
Head, thorax, knees And toes, knees and toes Hey, rednecks! No buckets! You pay for spray! Not use free water! Kahn! What in the hell are you doing? If you not putting a quarter in something, move on! The sprayer only gives a couple of seconds of spray for a quarter.
Yeah.
And the change machine only gives three quarters for a dollar.
Ah, so solly.
No speakee Engrish.
( speaking Laotian ) He speaks English.
Dang it, Kahn, you're just asking for a phone call to the Better Business Bureau.
Quarter.
Quarter.
( all muttering ) Adios, freeloaders! That do anything? Little bit? Nothing.
Our shortcut drive away our loyal redneck customer base.
We going to lose our heavily-mortgaged house.
Oh, Minh! I can't live in a world where Hank Hill is right.
Damn that Kahn.
I had to use all of Nancy's body wash just to clean the hood.
Hank, what in the hell happened to Scrubby's? There's no one there for me to show off my new jalopy to.
Well, Mr.
Strickland, I'm sorry to inform you that my neighbor, Kahn, recently purchased Scrubby's.
It's fallen on hard times.
Just when the sun started shining again, someone throws a burlap sack over my head and beats me with a pipe.
Yep.
It's just a matter of time till Kahn will have to close the doors and destroy cruise night altogether.
Dang it! I'm going to have a little talk about business with this Kahn person.
I wonder if he's going to get the "Slow and steady wins the race" or the "Hard work is its own reward" speech.
Either one's a winner.
( no audio ) Boy, look at that.
Buck's giving Kahn a three-minute MBA, I tell you what.
You know, you can even learn something from the back of Mr.
Strickland's head.
DALE: They're shaking hands.
Kiss him Kiss him Nope.
It appears to be just the handshake.
Okay, Ol' Top.
I got everything under control.
( cheering ) Well, this calls for a beer.
Yeah.
Don't stay up too late, Hank, 'cause you got to report down to the car wash first thing in the morning.
Report? But uh That's right.
Scrubby's is part of the Strickland family now.
I talked some sense into Kahn's head, and now I'm majority owner.
But but how? You know that test grill gazebo you've been talking about? Patio.
Yes.
I used that money.
Hey, Hank Hill! My new employee! Better punch in early! ( sighs ) HANK: I just can't believe this.
Hank, this is crazy.
You can't work for Kahn.
You can barely share a fence with him.
Well, I may not be happy about it, but I'm not going to start second-guessing Buck Strickland.
Everyone thought he was crazy when he painted propane tanks like cows.
Now you wouldn't know it was springtime without 'em.
I hope you're right, Hank.
Do you still have the Gribbles' spare house key? No? Okay.
Hey, redneck, when you done emptying garbage, you go get me mango smoothie.
That is not part of the job.
Our job is to work hard to get this place back in order.
Your job is to work hard.
My job is to sit in air-conditioned office booking trip to Mexico with my hot wife.
See what slow and steady get you, Hank Hill? Working for me! You wait and see.
Buck knows what he's doing here.
His plan is to I don't have time for this.
I got to go snake the drains.
Yeah, get to it.
Chop chop! Oh, but for now on, you call me "Big Chief.
" It'll never happen.
Okay, we'll keep it informal.
"Chief" is fine.
Now clean up my gold mine, monkey.
Ow! Bad monkey! ( screaming ) ( vacuum whooshing ) ( clanging ) ( laughing ) This martini is good, but maybe it would taste better if stirred by Hank Hill.
And I can make that happen.
Isn't that great? It's like Dr.
Money always say, "Have a dream, then double it.
" Wait.
Dr.
Money never say that.
Where you hear that? Huh, I must have just made it up.
Hey, why don't we sell how-to videos? We're Asian, we own a camera.
Hello, I am Dr.
Quarters.
Are you tired of being a hamster on a wheel to nowhere? Aren't you dying to tell your boss to go to hell? Well, what are you waiting for? Buy my video and learn the secret to success.
Cut! Come on, ladies.
Dr.
Quarters is rocking your world.
Look at him accordingly.
Action.
I was not born Dr.
Quarters.
Dang it, Kahn.
I'm trying to work here.
Cut! No, keep rolling.
Yes, yes, you are trying to work here.
Which leads us to lesson number one: Get your own work monkey.
Mine is named Hank Hill.
And you can name yours whatever you like.
Look, I don't know what you're doing here, but I've got customers lined up.
And you will, too, if you order my wealth-building system.
( gasps ) What the heck are you girls doing? You don't freak the monkey! You freak Dr.
Quarters! Okay, Bobby, we're going to need a distraction.
Ideas? Well, I saw something in history class.
from the Civil War Brainstorm! ( glass breaks ) I don't know how, but I still say you did it.
Maybe I did it with the powers I have that I still don't know I have.
( grunting ) ( grunting ) ( phone rings ) Ma, it's Mrs.
Hill.
Oh, gee, I can't talk to her now.
Here it comes.
I borrowed her sweater.
I still haven't gotten it dry-cleaned.
I knew it! Nancy isn't mad at me, she just feels guilty.
You know what? I'm not being an adult about this.
I'm going to call her back.
( gasps ) ( phone ringing ) What do we do? What do we do?! Don't answer it.
Take out the batteries! ( grunts ) What the heck are you two doing in my closet? Well, my sweater's not in here, Bobby.
I guess I'll just be taking this until it turns up.
Heh-heh.
( chattering ) The place looks great, Hank.
Kahn really seems to be getting the best out of you.
Shut up, Dale.
Good work, Ol' Top.
Hello, ladies.
Now, I'm not much to look at, but I got a lot of money.
Are you tired of being stupid rednecks living from one paycheck to the next? Then you should buy my video and learn how to change your life forever.
Look, Kahn, I have worked real hard to get the customers back here.
Don't drive them away.
Just go look at your catalogs or whatever you do in that office and let me do my job.
Oh, trying to get rid of me, are you? You trying to steal from me? Empty your pockets! I'm not going to empty my pockets.
Something to hide, huh? Kahn, get away from me.
Ah! A quarter! I knew it.
Thief! That is my personal quarter.
I brought it from home.
How many more of my quarters you got in there? Got dang it, Kahn, that does it! I'm going to kick your ass! Yeah, all right! ( Kahn shrieks ) Ha-ha, you can't get me, redneck.
Mr.
Strickland, help me! You got to learn how to treat your customers and stop calling me your dang monkey.
Dang it, Hank, leave him alone! I'm sorry, sir, but I I just can't take it anymore.
I left Jeans West to work for one of the most admired men in Arlen business-- Buck Strickland.
Not for a lazy idiot that doesn't know what the hell he's doing.
If I don't know what I'm doing, how come I'm the one who mortgaged his house for a carwash? How come I'm the one wearing a jacket of quarters? How come you working for me? Not anymore I'm not.
Hank, you know this carwash is part of the Strickland family.
You quit it, you're quitting Strickland.
If you say so, sir.
Who need him? He not know how to double up on our dreams.
That my wealth- building secret.
Not bad.
I got my own little success secret.
Never kill the golden goose.
Goose, huh? Kahn, a business thrives on customer relations and backbreaking hard work.
And that's the guy who gives it to you.
Hank is the golden goose.
Ah, maybe Hank can be goose and monkey.
Hold up, Hank.
What do you say, Ol' Top? You ready to go back to selling propane? Yes, sir, I am.
But what about Scrubby's? Well, hell, I'll sell my share.
You turned it around so nice, who wouldn't want to buy it? Now hold on a sec.
I'll take it off your hands.
I've been looking for a turnkey operation ever since I saw an infomercial on TV.
Deal.
You are now majority owner.
Looks like you work for me.
I actually more of an idea man.
Move it! ( whimpers ) Listen, first thing Monday, I want you to break ground on that test grill patio of yours.
You earned it.
Well, thank you, sir.
No, thank you, Ol' Top.
All this carwash business brought me back together ( whispers ): with Bob Choates's wife.
DALE: Kiss him.
Kiss him.