Roseanne s10e09 Episode Script
Knee Deep
1 ROSEANNE: Dan? Dan! My knee went out.
I sat down, and I can't get up.
Fire! Mom, are you okay? No, I'm stuck on the toilet! Yo, Top Gun, wake up.
Charlie's in trouble.
Mom's yelling "fire" in the bathroom, and I'm not going in.
Oh.
Dan! Hello, buttercup.
May I be of service? Just give a good yank.
- [GRUNTING.]
Upsy-daisy.
- [GROANS.]
[GROANS.]
Did you make the appointment for your knee surgery yet? You know how doctors are, Dan.
They say they can see you in a month, and then when you tell them you can't stand the pain any longer, they say, "We'll see you in a month.
" Quit stalling.
[SCOFFS.]
We don't have the money, Dan.
And a surgeon is not gonna give it his best shot when you're paying him with a coffee can full of nickels.
I'm on it.
I'm gonna get the next drywall job, no matter how low I have to bid.
I wouldn't start the negotiations like that.
I'm gonna cut costs by doing what everybody else is doing.
Don't tell me you're gonna hire illegals.
Hey! I'm also gonna use substandard materials.
You know, if the union finds out you're hiring those guys, they're gonna kick you out.
That's a risk I'm gonna have to take.
I'm not gonna stand by and watch you suffer anymore, and I'm not gonna let you go back to taking too many pain pills.
Well, I don't want you to sacrifice anything for me, Dan, 'cause that would give you the upper hand, and that's not how this marriage was built.
[DAN AND ROSEANNE LAUGHING.]
"Roseanne" is taped in front of a live audience.
- Oh, thanks, honey.
- Mm-hmm.
You know, I didn't think I'd get used to eating heart-smart, but this turkey bacon isn't bad.
You know what would make it taste better? If you fed it to a big ol' pig and then ate him.
Hey, morning, Conners! I brought doughnuts.
- Ooh! - Mmm! Mmm! Mmm! Finally, a man bringing me something I really want.
[CHUCKLES.]
Do you need another wife? Uh, let's see That's another birthday to remember.
I'll ask Anne-Marie, yeah.
She'll be fine with it.
We already decided when you guys die, we're gonna be old-lady lesbians that go on bus trips together.
[CHUCKLES.]
Bus trips? We left you nothin'! [CHUCK AND DAN LAUGH.]
- Hey, Chuck - Huh? Didn't your uncle have hip surgery a while back? How'd he afford that? County Hospital.
Well, he actually had both hips done because they did the wrong one first.
He should've gone to Mexico.
They charge, like, half of what they charge here.
I've heard that.
Yeah.
Oh! Here's a doctor in Juarez who only charges a grand for a new knee, and he'll throw in moving your nipples for free.
Do I have to? What if I like my nipples where they are? Doesn't say.
Okay, I'm taking the rest of these down to the union office.
Okay, did you put in our bid on that new condo project yet? I'm working on it.
So, you're really gonna hire those other guys - instead of Chuck? - [SIGHS.]
He's been your best friend for 30 years.
Thanks for the reminder.
JACKIE: Soccer star coming through! Hey.
How'd you do? They put me in for one play, and I accidentally scored a goal for the other team.
The winning goal.
Man, Jackie, Dan is still talking about going non-union.
You know, he's gonna lose everything he's built.
I got to find another way to pay for this knee.
You have anything you could sell? We should go through all those old boxes in the basement, you know, and see if there's anything of value in them.
"We"? You always think that I have nothing to do, that I'm free to help you whenever you want.
Yeah, I'm sorry.
That was rude.
Are you available? Yes, I am.
But if you'd asked me two weeks from Thursday, I wouldn't be.
Unless it was the afternoon.
[DOOR OPENS, RAIN POURING.]
Wake up, Morticia! [SIGHS.]
Leave me alone.
I didn't get off work until 2:00.
Mom said you weren't making a lot of tips, so I brought you something that could help.
It's called the "waitress's best friend.
" Oh, man, this is perfect.
[SIGHS.]
It's a push-up bra.
It'll make you look anatomically correct.
When do men ever have to do anything like this to earn a living? You know, your attitude is part of your problem.
When you see a customer, how do you greet them? I say, "What do you want?" That's what you say when a bum touches you.
Look, the kind of guys you're waiting on are very simple creatures.
All you got to do is tell them you like something about them.
Like, when a guy orders, say, "That's what I drink.
" Look, I really appreciate you trying to help, but we're very different people.
I'm kind of an introvert, and, um I want to get the words right here You're an alcoholic tramp.
Why do we have to be hurtful? All I'm trying to say is you're not an appealing person.
You will have to flirt And probably a lot To take care of your kids.
I didn't even flirt to have my kids.
I just said, "What do you want?" Hey, look at this.
I found Nana Mary's favorite hat.
[LAUGHS.]
Look at that.
Talk about passing down something that everybody can use.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
Oh, Jackie, look! I found Magdalena.
[GASPS.]
Oh, my God.
You know how many years it took me to get over Mom treating that evil, glassy-eyed demon better than us? Yeah, you sound like you're over it.
Yeah.
Oh, she wouldn't let us play with it, wouldn't let us touch it.
"Oh, don't touch her hair.
" I'm gonna brush her hair right now.
No! Don't! Don't do anything to her 'til we find out if she's worth any money.
Mom said she was a Kestner.
"This is my Kestner.
Isn't my Kestner precious?" No, she isn't! Oh, my God, Roseanne! She's worth $5,000.
Oh, wow.
Mom's right She is worth more than both of us put together.
Yeah, but that's not what you whisper to your kids when you're tucking them in.
I think we should take her down and try to sell her at that antique mall.
This little nightmare might pay for my knee.
Roseanne, it's a diary.
[GASPS.]
This must be Mom's.
Eugh.
"Dear Diary, today my wonderful mommy brushed my hair with my special brush.
" This is Magdalena's diary! - Eww! - Ohhh! Hey, do you know if it's still raining out? I don't know.
I'm stuck in this windowless prison, like you.
Oh, wait, um I like something about you.
I'll I'll have it when I get back.
Before you go, I'll have a sloe gin fizz.
Oh.
Yeah, that's a great order.
That's exactly what I drink.
Been drinking it since I was a kid.
Hey, don't run away.
We've been trying to get one of you girls all night.
What can I get you? Uh, six shots of Jameson, 12 Coors Lights.
Oh, great order.
That's exactly what I drink.
Well, bring an extra one for you.
And, uh, how about a kiss for good luck? I'm not gonna kiss you.
'cause it'd be too darn hard to stop! [CLICKS TONGUE.]
[SIGHS.]
Can I borrow a clean bar rag? [MUFFLED SCREAMING.]
DEAN: You know, Kestners are amongst the most highly sought-after dolls of the '20s.
And it looks like, from the condition, she's been cared for by someone who had no children of her own to love.
Oh, yeah, she was barren and died alone.
Ooh.
Oh, no.
Unfortunately, it looks like she's been repaired.
Ah! This is not this doll's original body.
[GROANS.]
So I would say that she's worth $100.
A disappointment to the end! Can't you just strip her for spare parts? This is not just a doll.
It's part Kestner.
It's a treasure, family member, companion to a lonely boy who's afraid to get hit by the football.
Well, what about 200 bucks just for the head? 'Cause, I mean, this is real human hair.
You know, you could use it to build a friend in your basement.
Well [CELLPHONE RINGING.]
Oh.
Excuse me.
Hi, Dan.
Where you at? At the end of my rope.
Where are you? You better come home quick, honey.
We're flooding.
Ah, crap.
Okay, we're on our way.
Hey, did you grab the kids' photos and their birth certificates? [SCOFFS.]
Of course I did! Whoa! Looks like you got a leak somewhere.
Leak? I think this basement holds the water pretty good.
Well, you know I'd help you out, but you probably found someone cheaper.
This is a bad time, Chuck.
How about we talk later? I just ran into one of the Gonzalez brothers at Home Depot, and he said you're using his guys on the condo job? Is that true? I was gonna tell you.
When? After you finished the job? Of course not.
Look, I just can't afford you guys.
"Y-You guys"? Ohhh.
T-That's what happened.
And I thought the whole time that we were friends.
Turns out I was just one of the guys.
I don't have a choice, man.
I got responsibilities.
Yeah, right.
And I'm still working construction because I like the way I look in the hat.
[SIGHS.]
What do you want me to do? I got three extra mouths to feed since Darlene moved back in.
Roseanne started popping pills because we didn't have the money to fix her knee.
And now I got 20 grand of water damage.
[WATER SLOSHING.]
I've spent my whole life hanging on by my fingertips, telling everybody not to worry, that I was gonna make it okay because that's my job.
Well, now I can't promise that anymore.
So, yeah it makes me sick.
But I'm gonna do whatever I have to do to take care of my family, because I'm old, I'm tired, and I'm not sure how much longer I can hold on.
Well, I'm old, too.
And I'm tired.
And now I'm unemployed.
I always told you If I'm eating, you're eating.
I'm not eating.
Holy crap! Hey, Chuck.
[WATER SLOSHES.]
Bye, Rosie.
How bad is it? Well, that depends.
You didn't pick up any flood insurance while you were out, did you? [SIGHS.]
[SIGHS.]
All this water's gonna affect the foundation.
Is there anything I can do to help? Yeah.
Take this.
It's not heavy enough to hold me underwater.
[SIGHS HEAVILY.]
Look, everything's gonna be fine.
Go on back upstairs and entertain the troops.
Business as usual.
Got it.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Well, Dan, lookit After 40 years, we finally got a pool.
[CHUCKLING.]
Yep.
[GRUNTS.]
[CREAKING.]
[SIGHS.]
[PANTING.]
[CLANK.]
You guys have like a million boxes of Halloween stuff.
Yeah, we were a lot of fun before you got here.
I mean, Aunt Jackie, back me up.
This is a little crazy, right? [AS DRACULA.]
Perhaps it's a little extreme.
[LAUGHS EVILLY.]
These costumes are so lame.
I can't believe anybody would ever be scared by them.
Hey, watch your mouth.
We were famous for that stuff in these parts.
- Ow! - Are you okay? [GROANING.]
Oh, my God.
[STRAINING.]
Ohh.
I think it's my heart.
Somebody call 911! - [GROANING LOUDLY.]
- Oh, my God! [GROANING CONTINUES.]
[GASPS.]
[LAUGHTER.]
I hate you! Each and every single one of you! Don't say that.
It only makes them stronger.
Alright, what we need here is a little prestidigitation.
- [GASPS.]
- Okay, ladies and gentlemen, prepare for the return of D.
J.
Magic D.
J who will amaze you with his feats of magic and mystery.
Open the door.
Maybe the storm will suck us out.
I want to be your assistant, like in the old days.
No.
I need to pick somebody at random from the audience.
- You! You'll do fine.
- Me?! Yes, come on up here and hold "Blackstone's Ancient Book of Sorcery for Kids.
" Uh-huh.
Open it to "Ancient Mystical Trick #4.
" Three ordinary cups.
These balls are completely solid.
And now, ladies and gentlemen, "conceal the foam ball in hand.
" I will place the - Damn it! - Aw.
Ta-da! ALL: Yay! Hey, the president's holding a press conference.
The governor's trying to get him to declare a state of emergency.
Oh, wow.
Look at this.
Half the state is underwater.
They took all these senior citizens from one of those old folks' homes and put them on the roof of the building.
That's great news.
But it's also kind of sad, in a way.
No, no, it's terribly sad.
But if they declare a state of emergency, FEMA will give us some money to repair the basement.
I can do it for half of what they give us and use the rest for Rose's knee.
Hoo! [CHANTING.]
State of emergency! ALL: [CHANTING.]
State of emergency! This is awful! You have young children rooting for other people's misery.
He just declared it! State of emergency! [CHEERING.]
Oh.
Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! The president spelled "Illinois" wrong in his tweet, but it still counts, right? - Yay! Yay! - Yay! - Hey, that's really funny.
- Oh, God! Harris, you scared the crap out of me.
What are you writing? Looks really good.
[SIGHS.]
It's, uh, about a brilliant, young novelist who works at a casino for research, pretending it's a real job.
You know, I'm really glad that you're writing again.
It's inspiring.
Oh.
That means a lot to me, but, you know, let's manage expectations.
Who knows? Nothing may come of this.
No, you got to believe in yourself, Mom! I mean, Stephen King was a janitor, and J.
K.
Rowling was a single mother living on welfare.
They were losers, just like you.
[CHUCKLES.]
That's sweet.
Good night, Harris.
If you're gonna be writing at night, everyone at my school has Adderall, if you want some.
Good night, Harris! Oh, and in case you're wondering, I am not taking any Adderall.
I know.
I've seen your grades.
A little more sparkling cider, my dear? Don't mind if I do.
How come you've never taken me to this restaurant before? Oh, well, it's very exclusive.
It's received three Michelin tires.
[LAUGHS.]
Here's to crap finally going our way.
Dink! Yeah.
Darlene's got a job, Becky still has a job, D.
J.
's raising a great kid, and mom's over the VD.
Eh! Ehhhhh! - Ehhh! - Oh.
Sorry.
I know.
Not while you're eating.
And plus, that flood did so much damage in Lanford, there's plenty of work for everybody Legal and illegal.
- [CLUNK.]
- Phew.
[SIGHS.]
Did you work things out with Chuck? He told me he'd only work with me as an equal partner - with three weeks' paid vacation.
- What did you say? I told him he was grindin' me No way in hell.
So you're partners now? Soon as he gets back from vacation.
I'm kinda scared about the surgery, Dan.
Oh, come on.
It's a good hospital.
Your doctor's won every lawsuit.
I know, but I just don't want to die.
I don't want to go anywhere without you.
Who's gonna fix the Pearly Gates if I back into 'em? You don't need me.
You'll be running the joint.
God'll be hiding in the garage, fixing motorcycles.
I'm serious, Dan.
You've been taking care of me almost my whole life.
I don't want to go anywhere without you.
Oh, come on.
The odds are, I'll go first anyway.
And if I do, I want you to promise me that you'll do whatever you can to fulfill the rest of your life.
Even if it means finding love and companionship with another man.
Will you do that? You just want me to say yes so you have permission to go find somebody else when I'm in the ground.
Hell no! I want you to die alone and miserable.
Whatever Mother wants.
You know, Lord, they're gonna put me under tomorrow for surgery, and, uh I hope I see my husband's face when I wake up and not yours.
No offense.
DARLENE: Hey, Mom, come in here for a second! Oh, yeah, and could you find her a man? I wouldn't ask, but she's not easy.
[CHUCKLES.]
ALL: Surprise! Hey! What is this? All your favorites Ham and cakes.
Tuna casserole.
I'm having surgery tomorrow.
I can't eat nothin' past 8:00 p.
m.
And right now, it is 7:52.
Whoo! You guys are the best.
What did I do to deserve this? 7:53.
Okay, move, everybody! Hey, hit me up with that ham.
No, wait, that's gonna take too much time to chew.
Gimme the casserole.
Come on! [LAUGHTER.]
I sat down, and I can't get up.
Fire! Mom, are you okay? No, I'm stuck on the toilet! Yo, Top Gun, wake up.
Charlie's in trouble.
Mom's yelling "fire" in the bathroom, and I'm not going in.
Oh.
Dan! Hello, buttercup.
May I be of service? Just give a good yank.
- [GRUNTING.]
Upsy-daisy.
- [GROANS.]
[GROANS.]
Did you make the appointment for your knee surgery yet? You know how doctors are, Dan.
They say they can see you in a month, and then when you tell them you can't stand the pain any longer, they say, "We'll see you in a month.
" Quit stalling.
[SCOFFS.]
We don't have the money, Dan.
And a surgeon is not gonna give it his best shot when you're paying him with a coffee can full of nickels.
I'm on it.
I'm gonna get the next drywall job, no matter how low I have to bid.
I wouldn't start the negotiations like that.
I'm gonna cut costs by doing what everybody else is doing.
Don't tell me you're gonna hire illegals.
Hey! I'm also gonna use substandard materials.
You know, if the union finds out you're hiring those guys, they're gonna kick you out.
That's a risk I'm gonna have to take.
I'm not gonna stand by and watch you suffer anymore, and I'm not gonna let you go back to taking too many pain pills.
Well, I don't want you to sacrifice anything for me, Dan, 'cause that would give you the upper hand, and that's not how this marriage was built.
[DAN AND ROSEANNE LAUGHING.]
"Roseanne" is taped in front of a live audience.
- Oh, thanks, honey.
- Mm-hmm.
You know, I didn't think I'd get used to eating heart-smart, but this turkey bacon isn't bad.
You know what would make it taste better? If you fed it to a big ol' pig and then ate him.
Hey, morning, Conners! I brought doughnuts.
- Ooh! - Mmm! Mmm! Mmm! Finally, a man bringing me something I really want.
[CHUCKLES.]
Do you need another wife? Uh, let's see That's another birthday to remember.
I'll ask Anne-Marie, yeah.
She'll be fine with it.
We already decided when you guys die, we're gonna be old-lady lesbians that go on bus trips together.
[CHUCKLES.]
Bus trips? We left you nothin'! [CHUCK AND DAN LAUGH.]
- Hey, Chuck - Huh? Didn't your uncle have hip surgery a while back? How'd he afford that? County Hospital.
Well, he actually had both hips done because they did the wrong one first.
He should've gone to Mexico.
They charge, like, half of what they charge here.
I've heard that.
Yeah.
Oh! Here's a doctor in Juarez who only charges a grand for a new knee, and he'll throw in moving your nipples for free.
Do I have to? What if I like my nipples where they are? Doesn't say.
Okay, I'm taking the rest of these down to the union office.
Okay, did you put in our bid on that new condo project yet? I'm working on it.
So, you're really gonna hire those other guys - instead of Chuck? - [SIGHS.]
He's been your best friend for 30 years.
Thanks for the reminder.
JACKIE: Soccer star coming through! Hey.
How'd you do? They put me in for one play, and I accidentally scored a goal for the other team.
The winning goal.
Man, Jackie, Dan is still talking about going non-union.
You know, he's gonna lose everything he's built.
I got to find another way to pay for this knee.
You have anything you could sell? We should go through all those old boxes in the basement, you know, and see if there's anything of value in them.
"We"? You always think that I have nothing to do, that I'm free to help you whenever you want.
Yeah, I'm sorry.
That was rude.
Are you available? Yes, I am.
But if you'd asked me two weeks from Thursday, I wouldn't be.
Unless it was the afternoon.
[DOOR OPENS, RAIN POURING.]
Wake up, Morticia! [SIGHS.]
Leave me alone.
I didn't get off work until 2:00.
Mom said you weren't making a lot of tips, so I brought you something that could help.
It's called the "waitress's best friend.
" Oh, man, this is perfect.
[SIGHS.]
It's a push-up bra.
It'll make you look anatomically correct.
When do men ever have to do anything like this to earn a living? You know, your attitude is part of your problem.
When you see a customer, how do you greet them? I say, "What do you want?" That's what you say when a bum touches you.
Look, the kind of guys you're waiting on are very simple creatures.
All you got to do is tell them you like something about them.
Like, when a guy orders, say, "That's what I drink.
" Look, I really appreciate you trying to help, but we're very different people.
I'm kind of an introvert, and, um I want to get the words right here You're an alcoholic tramp.
Why do we have to be hurtful? All I'm trying to say is you're not an appealing person.
You will have to flirt And probably a lot To take care of your kids.
I didn't even flirt to have my kids.
I just said, "What do you want?" Hey, look at this.
I found Nana Mary's favorite hat.
[LAUGHS.]
Look at that.
Talk about passing down something that everybody can use.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
Oh, Jackie, look! I found Magdalena.
[GASPS.]
Oh, my God.
You know how many years it took me to get over Mom treating that evil, glassy-eyed demon better than us? Yeah, you sound like you're over it.
Yeah.
Oh, she wouldn't let us play with it, wouldn't let us touch it.
"Oh, don't touch her hair.
" I'm gonna brush her hair right now.
No! Don't! Don't do anything to her 'til we find out if she's worth any money.
Mom said she was a Kestner.
"This is my Kestner.
Isn't my Kestner precious?" No, she isn't! Oh, my God, Roseanne! She's worth $5,000.
Oh, wow.
Mom's right She is worth more than both of us put together.
Yeah, but that's not what you whisper to your kids when you're tucking them in.
I think we should take her down and try to sell her at that antique mall.
This little nightmare might pay for my knee.
Roseanne, it's a diary.
[GASPS.]
This must be Mom's.
Eugh.
"Dear Diary, today my wonderful mommy brushed my hair with my special brush.
" This is Magdalena's diary! - Eww! - Ohhh! Hey, do you know if it's still raining out? I don't know.
I'm stuck in this windowless prison, like you.
Oh, wait, um I like something about you.
I'll I'll have it when I get back.
Before you go, I'll have a sloe gin fizz.
Oh.
Yeah, that's a great order.
That's exactly what I drink.
Been drinking it since I was a kid.
Hey, don't run away.
We've been trying to get one of you girls all night.
What can I get you? Uh, six shots of Jameson, 12 Coors Lights.
Oh, great order.
That's exactly what I drink.
Well, bring an extra one for you.
And, uh, how about a kiss for good luck? I'm not gonna kiss you.
'cause it'd be too darn hard to stop! [CLICKS TONGUE.]
[SIGHS.]
Can I borrow a clean bar rag? [MUFFLED SCREAMING.]
DEAN: You know, Kestners are amongst the most highly sought-after dolls of the '20s.
And it looks like, from the condition, she's been cared for by someone who had no children of her own to love.
Oh, yeah, she was barren and died alone.
Ooh.
Oh, no.
Unfortunately, it looks like she's been repaired.
Ah! This is not this doll's original body.
[GROANS.]
So I would say that she's worth $100.
A disappointment to the end! Can't you just strip her for spare parts? This is not just a doll.
It's part Kestner.
It's a treasure, family member, companion to a lonely boy who's afraid to get hit by the football.
Well, what about 200 bucks just for the head? 'Cause, I mean, this is real human hair.
You know, you could use it to build a friend in your basement.
Well [CELLPHONE RINGING.]
Oh.
Excuse me.
Hi, Dan.
Where you at? At the end of my rope.
Where are you? You better come home quick, honey.
We're flooding.
Ah, crap.
Okay, we're on our way.
Hey, did you grab the kids' photos and their birth certificates? [SCOFFS.]
Of course I did! Whoa! Looks like you got a leak somewhere.
Leak? I think this basement holds the water pretty good.
Well, you know I'd help you out, but you probably found someone cheaper.
This is a bad time, Chuck.
How about we talk later? I just ran into one of the Gonzalez brothers at Home Depot, and he said you're using his guys on the condo job? Is that true? I was gonna tell you.
When? After you finished the job? Of course not.
Look, I just can't afford you guys.
"Y-You guys"? Ohhh.
T-That's what happened.
And I thought the whole time that we were friends.
Turns out I was just one of the guys.
I don't have a choice, man.
I got responsibilities.
Yeah, right.
And I'm still working construction because I like the way I look in the hat.
[SIGHS.]
What do you want me to do? I got three extra mouths to feed since Darlene moved back in.
Roseanne started popping pills because we didn't have the money to fix her knee.
And now I got 20 grand of water damage.
[WATER SLOSHING.]
I've spent my whole life hanging on by my fingertips, telling everybody not to worry, that I was gonna make it okay because that's my job.
Well, now I can't promise that anymore.
So, yeah it makes me sick.
But I'm gonna do whatever I have to do to take care of my family, because I'm old, I'm tired, and I'm not sure how much longer I can hold on.
Well, I'm old, too.
And I'm tired.
And now I'm unemployed.
I always told you If I'm eating, you're eating.
I'm not eating.
Holy crap! Hey, Chuck.
[WATER SLOSHES.]
Bye, Rosie.
How bad is it? Well, that depends.
You didn't pick up any flood insurance while you were out, did you? [SIGHS.]
[SIGHS.]
All this water's gonna affect the foundation.
Is there anything I can do to help? Yeah.
Take this.
It's not heavy enough to hold me underwater.
[SIGHS HEAVILY.]
Look, everything's gonna be fine.
Go on back upstairs and entertain the troops.
Business as usual.
Got it.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Well, Dan, lookit After 40 years, we finally got a pool.
[CHUCKLING.]
Yep.
[GRUNTS.]
[CREAKING.]
[SIGHS.]
[PANTING.]
[CLANK.]
You guys have like a million boxes of Halloween stuff.
Yeah, we were a lot of fun before you got here.
I mean, Aunt Jackie, back me up.
This is a little crazy, right? [AS DRACULA.]
Perhaps it's a little extreme.
[LAUGHS EVILLY.]
These costumes are so lame.
I can't believe anybody would ever be scared by them.
Hey, watch your mouth.
We were famous for that stuff in these parts.
- Ow! - Are you okay? [GROANING.]
Oh, my God.
[STRAINING.]
Ohh.
I think it's my heart.
Somebody call 911! - [GROANING LOUDLY.]
- Oh, my God! [GROANING CONTINUES.]
[GASPS.]
[LAUGHTER.]
I hate you! Each and every single one of you! Don't say that.
It only makes them stronger.
Alright, what we need here is a little prestidigitation.
- [GASPS.]
- Okay, ladies and gentlemen, prepare for the return of D.
J.
Magic D.
J who will amaze you with his feats of magic and mystery.
Open the door.
Maybe the storm will suck us out.
I want to be your assistant, like in the old days.
No.
I need to pick somebody at random from the audience.
- You! You'll do fine.
- Me?! Yes, come on up here and hold "Blackstone's Ancient Book of Sorcery for Kids.
" Uh-huh.
Open it to "Ancient Mystical Trick #4.
" Three ordinary cups.
These balls are completely solid.
And now, ladies and gentlemen, "conceal the foam ball in hand.
" I will place the - Damn it! - Aw.
Ta-da! ALL: Yay! Hey, the president's holding a press conference.
The governor's trying to get him to declare a state of emergency.
Oh, wow.
Look at this.
Half the state is underwater.
They took all these senior citizens from one of those old folks' homes and put them on the roof of the building.
That's great news.
But it's also kind of sad, in a way.
No, no, it's terribly sad.
But if they declare a state of emergency, FEMA will give us some money to repair the basement.
I can do it for half of what they give us and use the rest for Rose's knee.
Hoo! [CHANTING.]
State of emergency! ALL: [CHANTING.]
State of emergency! This is awful! You have young children rooting for other people's misery.
He just declared it! State of emergency! [CHEERING.]
Oh.
Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! The president spelled "Illinois" wrong in his tweet, but it still counts, right? - Yay! Yay! - Yay! - Hey, that's really funny.
- Oh, God! Harris, you scared the crap out of me.
What are you writing? Looks really good.
[SIGHS.]
It's, uh, about a brilliant, young novelist who works at a casino for research, pretending it's a real job.
You know, I'm really glad that you're writing again.
It's inspiring.
Oh.
That means a lot to me, but, you know, let's manage expectations.
Who knows? Nothing may come of this.
No, you got to believe in yourself, Mom! I mean, Stephen King was a janitor, and J.
K.
Rowling was a single mother living on welfare.
They were losers, just like you.
[CHUCKLES.]
That's sweet.
Good night, Harris.
If you're gonna be writing at night, everyone at my school has Adderall, if you want some.
Good night, Harris! Oh, and in case you're wondering, I am not taking any Adderall.
I know.
I've seen your grades.
A little more sparkling cider, my dear? Don't mind if I do.
How come you've never taken me to this restaurant before? Oh, well, it's very exclusive.
It's received three Michelin tires.
[LAUGHS.]
Here's to crap finally going our way.
Dink! Yeah.
Darlene's got a job, Becky still has a job, D.
J.
's raising a great kid, and mom's over the VD.
Eh! Ehhhhh! - Ehhh! - Oh.
Sorry.
I know.
Not while you're eating.
And plus, that flood did so much damage in Lanford, there's plenty of work for everybody Legal and illegal.
- [CLUNK.]
- Phew.
[SIGHS.]
Did you work things out with Chuck? He told me he'd only work with me as an equal partner - with three weeks' paid vacation.
- What did you say? I told him he was grindin' me No way in hell.
So you're partners now? Soon as he gets back from vacation.
I'm kinda scared about the surgery, Dan.
Oh, come on.
It's a good hospital.
Your doctor's won every lawsuit.
I know, but I just don't want to die.
I don't want to go anywhere without you.
Who's gonna fix the Pearly Gates if I back into 'em? You don't need me.
You'll be running the joint.
God'll be hiding in the garage, fixing motorcycles.
I'm serious, Dan.
You've been taking care of me almost my whole life.
I don't want to go anywhere without you.
Oh, come on.
The odds are, I'll go first anyway.
And if I do, I want you to promise me that you'll do whatever you can to fulfill the rest of your life.
Even if it means finding love and companionship with another man.
Will you do that? You just want me to say yes so you have permission to go find somebody else when I'm in the ground.
Hell no! I want you to die alone and miserable.
Whatever Mother wants.
You know, Lord, they're gonna put me under tomorrow for surgery, and, uh I hope I see my husband's face when I wake up and not yours.
No offense.
DARLENE: Hey, Mom, come in here for a second! Oh, yeah, and could you find her a man? I wouldn't ask, but she's not easy.
[CHUCKLES.]
ALL: Surprise! Hey! What is this? All your favorites Ham and cakes.
Tuna casserole.
I'm having surgery tomorrow.
I can't eat nothin' past 8:00 p.
m.
And right now, it is 7:52.
Whoo! You guys are the best.
What did I do to deserve this? 7:53.
Okay, move, everybody! Hey, hit me up with that ham.
No, wait, that's gonna take too much time to chew.
Gimme the casserole.
Come on! [LAUGHTER.]