Frasier s10e10 Episode Script

F R A S I E R (10x10) - We Two Kings - - Oh, hey Roz.
Can I join you? - Sure.
- May I have a latte to go, please? And I I hope that they're paying you extra to wear that.
- No.
- But I was hoping that it would help me with my tips.
- Ah.
Well, as you know, my tipping policy stands firmly on the twin pillars of courtesy God Bless You, sir.
I'm really surprised.
I didn't think you'd go for something so kitschy.
It's Christmas time I say let a thousand antlers bloom.
Oh, well what a relief.
- Oh oh, Roz.
- I'm working Santa's Toy Drive at the mall.
- I'm an elf.
- Roz, if you needed extra cash you should have come to me.
- I've got plenty of odd chores around the house.
- It's not about money.
- I'm volunteering.
- Oh! Well, good for you, yes.
Yeah, visiting Santa Claus at the department store was one of my favorite memories as a kid.
Mmmm I always found him terrifying - and inquisitorial.
When I was seven - my mom and dad took me to the mall to see Santa They were going through their divorce at the time so they were barely talking.
Anyway, when I sat down on his lap, I started to cry and he was just so nice, he made me feel safe and protected I don't know, he just made me feel special.
So if I can do that for just one little kid - you know? - - I'd like to do that.
- I'm sorry I laughed at you, Roz.
- You should be very proud of yourself.
- Thank you.
- and I better go before I'm late.
- Oh, right.
I'm going too, I'll walk with you.
Actually Roz, why don't you go ahead?? I'm going to get myself a scone.
Oh, hi guys.
Good to see you.
Come on in.
Hey! Ah, we were hoping to uh, use your wassail bowl.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I've already loaned it to Lawrence Emerson and his mandrel-caroling group.
Well you can kiss that bowl good-bye.
Frasier the Yule Tones are the bad boys of Renaissance Christmas music.
Have you ever seen a church common room after one of their performances? - Why don't you just use the punch bowl? - Because then it wouldn't be wassail, it would be punch.
- What's the difference? - Me dad used to say that punch would make you want to kiss the donkey in the manger scene, and wassail makes you want to check into the inn.
That's very funny.
Uh, listen Daphne, uh, I was just wondering, is your mum partial to a traditional Cornwell dressing? You see, I'm thinking it'd go splendidly with the 12-lb.
Hungarian goose that I'm serving.
Mum is spending Christmas on a cruise, an early Christmas present from Niles.
Yes, I didn't think she'd go for it, but apparently in international waters you can play single deck Black Jack.
Actually Frasier, Daphne and I would like to have you over at OUR house for Christmas this year.
Yeah, we just put up our tree and everything looks so lovely.
and it is our first Christmas as a married couple.
- Well, uh, as lovely as that sounds - Oh, come on, why not?! Uh, well, Niles, because it's a little late to be changing things, isn't it? - Besides, we've always had Christmas here, it's a tradition.
- “Wassail - a Christmas punch.
" Frasier, you've had Christmas for the past nine years.
- Yes, but we agreed that when you hosted Thanksgiving, that we would have Christmas here in its traditional setting.
- Well maybe it's time to start a new tradition.
- But I've had new stockings loomed for everyone - now there, you see, you've made me spoil the surprise And did anyone hear that I have ordered a Hungarian goose?! - Which you are more than welcome to bring to our place.
- It's not my date, it's dinner! Honestly Niles, I'm really quite affronted by this.
- If it means that much to him, why don't we just let him keep it? - No, No! There is no reason why just this once we can't host Christmas at the Montana.
- Frasier's just being a churl.
- You're the churl! - You're both a couple of churls.
How about a compromise? Say morning at one house, afternoon at the other.
Well, that's a wonderful idea but who gets morning and who gets afternoon? - Morning! Morning! - I think Niles said it first.
- Dad, who do you think said it first? - I'm sick of everything being a contest between the two of you.
- Alright then, dad, you decide where we're having Christmas.
- I'm fine with that.
- Alright I will.
I need a few days to think about it In the meantime, decision-making is thirsty work, sure could use a beer.
- Oh! I'll get it! - NO!! - I got it! - Oh, will you shut up! A little trick their mom taught me.
Don't worry, Margie, you don't need a chimney.
Santa always finds a way in.
- You have a Merry Christmas now.
- Thank you, Santa.
- Roz! Hello.
- Oh! Hi, Frasier.
Listen, when I'm at the North Pole my name is Snowflake.
It's a little on the nose, isn't it? - I was at the mall and thought I'd drop off a donation for the Toy Drive.
- Thank you very much.
- Is this for us too? - No, no, actually this is another "Dancing Santa" for dad.
- His other one got damaged.
- I thought you threw that thing over the balcony? Yes, which damaged it.
- Polly, what would you like Santa to bring you? - He wouldn't have to bring me anything.
- Just show up.
- Back off Twinkle, I saw him first.
What's this?? Do I sense a little office romance here at Santa's Workshop? Oh, I wouldn't mind.
His name is Rick, and he's so sweet.
- And let me guess, he's also a hunk? - I wouldn't know, I haven't seen him without his Santa getup yet.
But based on those eyes, there's definite potential.
Santa needs his favorite helper elf.
- Oh, see that, I'm his favorite.
- Down, Snowflake, I've got this one.
Okay Twinkle, you go ahead.
Oh, no, is that a zit? Oh, Snowflake.
Over here.
Hi.
I just got back from the costume shop, I had to get my toes re-curled.
Ah, which reminds me.
How are things with Mr.
Claus, mm? - Oh, I haven't had a chance to ask him out yet.
- What's the matter? Low elf-esteem? - How long have you been waiting to say that? Two days.
I almost called you.
What's this? Niles with dad.
I knew it! - Oh! You guys aren't still fighting about Christmas? - He's fighting.
I'm not fighting.
- Oh, what is the big deal? Why don't you let him have Christmas? - Because it is just so unfair.
- What's not fair? - Oh, you wouldn't understand.
Well, come on Frasier, talk to me.
Use your words.
Because, it's so egregious.
Smaller words.
I don't know.
Okay, look, it just seems that Niles is systematically emptying my home.
We used to have Thanksgiving dinner there gone! Daphne gone! If I let him have Christmas, I'll have nothing left.
Just end up some doddering old bachelor sipping tea and keeping the apartment at a balmy seventy-eight degrees.
And how is that different from now? Excuse me.
I smell skullduggery afoot.
- Hey, dad.
- Hey, Fras.
- New thermos? Niles, I'd have never thought you'd stoop so low.
I have no idea what you're talking about.
Just buying dad some coffee - before driving him to work.
- You are trying to bribe dad to have Christmas at your place! Oh, and what about you? Buying him the Dancing Santa.
A surprising gift, considering you threw his last one off the balcony! You did what? That Santa never did anything to hurt you.
All he ever did was dance and try to make people happy.
- Why do you have to make everything so difficult? - Sorry, Niles, but I have news for you.
Copernicus called and you are not the center of the universe! - Alright, you two knock it off! - Let's just settle this now.
Sit down.
Dad, make your decision.
You know, I'm really disappointed in you.
I thought that if I gave you a little time, you'd be mature enough to work this out on your own.
- Well you were wrong! - You know what? I just made my decision.
I'm working Christmas.
Jimmy Daily asked me to take his shift and I'm gonna do it.
Because he'll be happier with his family than I am with mine.
- Oh, dad, you can't be serious? - It's too late! And you don't have to drive me to work, I can call a cab.
I hope you're happy! You've ruined Christmas! Not nice.
Dad, uh, Niles and I would like to apologize.
It was untoward of us to to argue of where to have Christmas.
Our conduct was was self-absorbed and boorish.
Not that we deserve it, but please accept our apologies.
- Apologies accepted.
- Thank you, dad.
So you'll have Christmas with us? I'm afraid I can't.
I promised Jimmy that I'd work.
I can't go back on it.
- When do you start? - 6 a.
m.
, twelve-hour shift.
It's double time, so I'm not complaining.
- No, that's the whole day.
- Marty I need you to let maintenance into the electrical closet on seven.
- Will do.
See you boys later.
- Bye, dad.
Christmas without dad This just won't be Christmas.
I know.
He's always the first one under the tree.
Mom always said that he was the biggest kid.
He could never wait to open his presents.
He always puts on a brave face, but I know he especially misses mom on Christmas.
Niles, where is it written that we have to have Christmas at either of our homes?? - The Thanksgiving Accord of 2002.
- No, no.
What I am saying is that dad has to work.
Why can't we bring the holiday to him?? You mean just show up and surprise him? I like that.
- We can bring all our gifts and food.
- Oh, better yet.
What if the gifts were already here? - But - Okay, here's what I'm thinking We take the gifts that are here and put them under the tree at my house.
Get the real gifts and bring them here, all unbeknownst to dad.
- Brilliant! - Can't you just see us casually stopping by on Christmas morning? "Hello, dad.
Merry Christmas, it's just a shame that you had to spend Chri" "Hello? What's this I spy?" - "A present for Martin?" -"That's not for me, those are fake.
" "Well, here's another one.
" "One for Niles.
And one for Daphne.
" - "Oh geez it's a miracle!" - Oh, Niles.
It'll be - the best Christmas we've ever had! - Look, I'm getting goose bumps! Oh no, Niles, that's your pine rash.
You're too close to the tree.
Hey! Hi, Roz.
- It, it's me, Rick.
- Oh my God, Rick, I didn't even recognize you.
- Roz and I volunteer at the mall together.
- Rick plays Santa.
- Daphne, this is Rick.
Rick, Daphne.
- Oh, Roz has told me all about you.
- Would you like to join us? - I'd love to, but I have to get back to my day job.
- Oh, what do you do? - I'm an investment banker.
Could you excuse me for just one second? Wow, Roz! You never told me he was so gorgeous.
- Oh, I've never seen him out of his costume before.
- He's successful and has great taste.
Those shoes Enrico Zangleones.
Niles is teaching me.
It’s very nice meeting you, Daphne.
I'll see you tonight, Roz? Maybe we could take our break together.
I stuck a bottle of schnapps in my locker.
Yeah, maybe.
- Is something wrong? You don't like schnapps? - No! No, it's just so strange to see you without your beard.
- You really should grow one.
It would make your eyes twinkle.
- Eh, I tried once.
Kinda came in tough.
I looked like a dog on Rogaine.
What was that? - I I laughed.
- That's your laugh? - Yeah.
- Wow, at the mall it's so booming.
- I I know, I hate that.
It really kills my throat.
Very nice to meet you.
- Bye, Bye.
- I'll see you later.
- Bye.
- Why are you being so weird? He seems perfect.
- I'd don't know.
- just wasn't what I was expecting.
Something missing.
- Like what? I don't know.
Well, at the mall he has all this warmth and he's got this jolly sense of humor.
Oh, you should see him - when he laughs, his whole stomach shakes.
Oh, my God! You're in love with Santa Claus.
- No, I'm not.
- Well, it makes sense when you think about it.
Santa's the perfect man.
He's a good listener, he likes to travel - he gives great presents.
- Give me a break.
Admit it.
You want the jelly belly.
- Okay, don't be gross.
- You want to bang-boots with the big boy.
- I have to get to work.
- You want to get your paws on the Claus is more like it.
- Stop it, Daphne! That's enough! One more: you're a Ho, Ho, Ho.
Dad! What are you doing still sitting there? - I told you ten minutes ago that we were going out for Christmas Eve ice cream.
- Oh, I changed my mind.
Eddie and I are too bloated from the nog.
Well, then maybe we should, uh, take Eddie and uh, walk it off.
Come on, mister!? Let's go! No, I'm gonna be up early for work.
I sure could use somethin' to nibble on, though.
- No, no, no, no.
- Stop pushing.
Stop pushing.
- Listen, dad's still here, I couldn't get rid of him.
Come back in an hour.
- No, we can't do that.
The maintenance man in dad's building was so nervous about us taking these out of the lobby, I promised him we'd have our real gifts under his tree by ten o'clock.
Alright, what we need is a really good distraction.
I'll tell you what.
Knock when you think of one.
- What were you doing out there? - Nothing.
Thought I heard the door knock.
Hey, that's pretty good.
Oh, hello guys.
Dad, look who it is.
It's Niles and Daphne.
I see 'em.
- So, what brings you two here? - Good question, Frasier.
Daphne? - I need your father's help with a present, and that's what we're doing here.
- Exactly, yes.
- Come on Martin, we can do this in my old room.
- No problem.
Okay, now! Real presents go out in the hall by the door, fake presents under the tree.
Niles, did you notice my Christmas village? Would you like to see smoke w aft out of the cobbler's chimney? Uh, maybe later.
Frasier, I have to warn you.
These prop boxes are heavy - some idiot weighed them down with bricks.
Just with our luck, we get the only lobby decorator in all of Seattle.
- How much time do you think Daphne can buy over dad? - Not much.
They're just putting batteries in the digital camera we're giving you.
- Act surprised.
- Right! - I said I'd get them!! - Oh, you'll never find them.
How could you ask me to put batteries in when you didn't bring any batteries? - Now, boys, you know the rules.
No shaking The presents.
- You see Niles, I told you.
I found them.
Let's go.
- Daphne! No more surprises.
- Oh, you mean like finding your father here, - when the apartment should be empty? - Well, you can blame that on the nog! Frasier, - I think I'm going to sleep tonight, I feel like I'm ten years old.
Yes.
Only this time we have the merry chance of playing Santa.
- Niles, I'm so sorry that we almost ruined Christmas with our arguing.
- Stop! - I just took that from under the tree.
- No, you didn't.
- Yes, I did.
I know, 'cause that's real, and fake ones are in a pile by the door.
- The elevator door? - No, the apartment one! That's where all the fake ones are! - Great.
Now what do we do? - Well here, alright, you take these.
I take those.
What are we - Where do we go? - How the hell should I know? That's a flat head and I need a Phillips head.
- See, I told you, if you rearrange them they look fuller.
- Yes, yes.
I see what you mean, Niles.
It's all a matter of perspective.
Wow, it looks like twice as many.
Uh, put them back the way they were and show me how you did that.
Got the Philips.
Let's go.
- He could be an assassin in those slippers.
- Are you going to switch the presents? Or are you going to argue about whose Christmas village is bigger? I knew it! You didn't compliment mine, because you have one too.
I didn't compliment yours, because yours is so poorly laid out!! - Alright, alright.
We don't have time for this, now which ones are which? - Oh, oh! I have them all organized.
- Here, take those out.
- Are you sure? - Yes, absolutely.
These are the real ones.
- These go to dad, out in the hall and we'll take them together.
- Fine, alright, alright.
- Fine, then here.
Now we're all set.
All the fake ones are under the tree.
Yes, now you put those in the elevator.
I'll tell Daphne the coast is clear.
Do you have any idea how much I paid for that? Well, it's not my fault.
Those little plastic hinges snap off if you look at them.
- Now what am I supposed to give as a gift, now? - Oh, stop cryin'.
- Just put a little duct tape on it and it'll be good as new.
- It was new! Here Daphne, I'll help you find the tape.
What's the matter, boy? Too much eggnog, huh? Okay.
Hey, Daph.
Be sure to use the silver duct tape, not the brown.
The silver will match the camera oops the present.
I'm takin' Eddie for a walk.
Wait, dad! I'll do that.
You should just relax.
No, that's alright.
I need the fresh air.
Uh-oh.
What's this, more presents? - Is this why you were trying to keep me busy back there? - Yes.
Oh, ohh, why, you didn't need to do that.
Bring 'em on in.
Frasier, give your brother a hand.
Mix them all up, so they'll look fuller.
.
- Merry Christmas! - Merry Christmas! Niles.
So how are you? Well, uh, tired and a little poorer.
Had to bribe the maintenance man at dad's building to get him to stay late.
Which reminds me, on your next show you have to give something called a "shout-out" to a Steve Gomez.
- Right.
- This is so exciting.
I can't wait to see the look on your father's face when we go over there and surprise him.
Merry Christmas! Dad, uh, what are you doing here? - Yes, shouldn't you be at work? - The boss called, I don't have to go in.
Seems he was feeling guilty about me missing Christmas with my family.
Ooh, heavy.
This must be a good one, unless it's a book.
- But, who's covering the desk? - Nobody, she's shut down tight 'til tomorrow.
Now, I have just enough patience to wait for the cocoa before I start tearing into these.
Um dad? Don't tell me there's no cocoa.
Hello?? Hello? You'd think there'd be a custodian or someone in there.
Nah, I knew it'd be a long shot.
There won't be anyone in 'til tomorrow morning.
- Sorry, dad.
- Oh, forget it.
It was a really sweet gesture.
Would have been terrific, but .
You know, we could throw a brick through the glass, but they're all wrapped up under our tree.