Big Bang Theory s10e11 Episode Script

1 Previously on The Big Bang Theory Hey, Stuart.
What are you doing here? Oh, I'm living here again.
Do, uh, Howard and Bernadette know? Or is like a possum in the walls kind of thing? No.
I needed a place to stay, and with the baby coming, I figured they could use some extra help.
Hey, tomorrow, who wants to paint the nursery? I'll do it.
Why do you get to do it? I'm the artist.
Just because you're starving doesn't make you an artist.
Just because I look sickly doesn't mean I'm starving.
BERNADETTE: Howard? I think I'm in labor.
Oh.
Oh, okay.
Okay.
Uh, uh, uh, I can do this.
We have a plan.
Somebody please tell me the plan! I'll get the hospital bag.
I'll pull the van up.
Meet you outside in two minutes.
Team Baby, go! (grunting) WOLOWITZ: Oh, man.
This is really happening.
You doin' okay? Here comes another contraction.
Let's pick it up! All right, hold on.
I'm gonna drive like we do in India.
(horn honking) Get out of my way, you syphilitic dogs! Stop that! This isn't India.
Fine.
What do one point three billion people know about having babies? Sorry.
I know you were just trying to help.
I love you.
I love you, too.
We're good.
Our whole universe was in a hot, dense state Then nearly 14 billion years ago expansion started Wait! The Earth began to cool The autotrophs began to drool, Neanderthals developed tools We built the Wall We built the pyramids Math, Science, History, unraveling the mystery That all started with a big bang Bang! The Big Bang Theory 10x11 Original Air D Amy? Wake up.
Wh What's wrong? It's midnight.
Happy birthday.
Sheldon.
(loud honking) Okay, you can have this back in the morning.
This is for you.
I was going to wrap it, but touching Scotch tape gives me the heebie-jeebies.
I'll put in on the list with peaches and felt.
What is this? A functional MRI of my brain.
I did Sudoku before they took it so I'd be ripped.
I love it.
Thank you.
And it's not just an MRI.
The orbitofrontal cortex is lit up because I was thinking of you.
Sheldon! We seem to be moving on to the annual coitus portion of your birthday festivities.
Is that okay? I didn't put on my come-hither plaid PJ's for nothing.
You hate Scotch tape, but you love Scotch plaid.
You are a mystery.
(loud knocking) PENNY: Guys, wake up! Bernadette's having her baby! LEONARD: Come on, we're going to the hospital! (quietly): I guess I guess we should stop.
Yeah.
I'm afraid so.
Childbirth, looming coitus? This is a banner night for female genitals.
Now I see three of you.
Do we know the father, or is this some Mamma Mia nonsense? I'm the father.
Okay, Dad, how far apart are the contractions? No idea.
Ask him.
12 minutes.
12 minutes? Why are you here? Aren't we supposed to get here an hour and a half early? This is a hospital, not the airport.
I'm sorry.
It's our first time.
It's okay.
This little one will be here before you know it.
Do we know what we're having? No, we're keeping it a surprise.
Old school.
Nice.
Not that old school.
He knows.
(sing-songy): You see, I was at the doctor's office, the folder was right there, so I took a peek.
(imitating Koothrappali): And talking like this doesn't make it less creepy.
Sweetheart, go home.
Come back when the contractions are five minutes apart for an hour.
KOOTHRAPPALI: I'm sorry.
That's ambiguous.
Is it five minutes apart starting at the top of the hour, or five minutes apart starting with the first contraction, so essentially, like, 65 minutes? I'm just throwing this out there, but home births are very popular these days.
Sheldon, what took you so long? Wolowitz might hand out cigars.
I had to find my bubble gum cigar so I could join in without looking foolish.
Damn, I need my inhaler.
Just don't smoke.
No, I went down the stairs too fast.
(ringtone playing) Hey.
Don't come to the hospital.
We're headed home.
Oh, that was fast.
Did she sneeze the baby out? We showed up too early.
We'll keep you posted.
Okay, well, we'll talk to you guys later.
Bye.
She said not to come.
It's gonna be a while.
(sighs) Well, first deliveries can be slow.
I am starting to rethink the Flash onesie I bought this kid.
I found it, but it's empty.
Well, it doesn't matter.
We're not going to the hospital now.
Are you sure? I'd really like to.
Well, should we, uh, head back up? PENNY: Come on, guys.
We're all awake.
Why don't we go to a diner or something? Oh, uh, I don't know.
Sheldon, you don't want to do that, do you? It doesn't matter what I want.
It's your birthday.
You decide.
PENNY: Oh, my God! It's your birthday! Let's do something fun.
- Uh - Well, we could go to a bar.
Well Okay, I can breathe again.
Babe, they want to have sex.
PENNY: Oh, of course! The annual birthday booty spectacular! That's a bit childish, isn't it? I'm sorry, and what flavor is your bubble gum cigar? Grape.
I find it the most mild.
All right, well, you two go have fun.
If we find my backup inhaler, maybe we can get frisky.
Oh, you sexy, wheezy little man.
Do you really need to record this? KOOTHRAPPALI: You'll be happy I did.
(sing-songy): Okay, little one, here we are back at home because you weren't quite ready to come out yet.
You wanted to make an entrance.
I get it.
And here's your daddy.
When he tries to tell you he used to be cool, you can see he wasn't.
All right, enough with the camera.
Well, this is not for me.
This is for the baby.
Some day she's gonna want to see this.
I'm sorry.
Who's gonna want to see this? I I said “she,” but lots of things are she-- boats and cars, whales.
Like, “Thar she blows.
” You're doing great.
Raj! Well, okay, I'm gonna sign off now.
This next part may contain some adult language.
How could you?! We made it this far without knowing, and you ruined it! Well, you guys have no idea how hard it is to know something like this and not say it! You told me it was a girl, and I didn't say it.
Raj! You were supposed to keep that to yourself.
Oh, yeah.
I guess it is hard.
So (laughs) where were we? Well, I believe we were kissing like randy teenagers, and your nose was whistling ever so slightly.
I'm sorry.
Oh, don't be.
You were like a foxy tea kettle.
(laughs) Well, shall we start over? Very well.
What's wrong? I'm not sure.
Earlier tonight, things began organically, and now it's feeling forced, like all the Pirates of the Caribbean sequels.
Okay, that makes sense.
I mean, the mood's a little different now.
We-we don't have to rush.
Oh, I know, but Leonard and Penny think we're doing it, and I don't want to disappoint them.
And the mood continues to change.
No, and also, I don't want to disappoint you.
I You know, come on.
It's your birthday.
I can soldier through this.
H-Hold on.
I think I might have a little surprise that might help get things back on track.
Intriguing.
Is “back on track” a hint that it has something to do with trains? No.
Because if it did have to do with trains, and you were gonna give It's not about trains! Oh.
Not even a cozy sleeper car on the Orient Express? Stop talking about trains! Who's killing the mood now? Found the backup inhaler.
Want to have sex? Well, I didn't until I heard that.
Hang on.
I'm counting.
It's okay.
Mm.
(knocking) KOOTHRAPPALI (sing-songy): Hello! Howard and Bernadette kicked me out because I told them they're having a girl! (sing-songy): Oopsy, I did it again.
Maybe if we're quiet, he'll go away.
(sing-songy): You're gonna have to be quieter than that.
Can I look yet? One second.
(chuckles) All right, you can open your eyes.
I thought I'd let Harry Potter make things hotter.
(giggles) Wowza.
I got a Gryffindor robe for you.
(exhales): Oh A Gryffindor sleeping with a Hufflepuff? How scandalous.
You naughty girl.
You went to the Wizarding World theme park without me.
I did.
Am I in trouble? Yes, you're in trouble-- you went to Wizarding World without me! Wait, what just happened? You know I've been wanting to go.
(sighs) Sheldon, do you really want to argue with me on my birthday? Oh, you're right.
I'm sorry.
Ooh.
Happy birthday to me.
(knocking) KOOTHRAPPALI (sing-songy): Hello Is this about the baby? No.
People just keep kicking me out everywhere I go.
Good.
Then you're used to this.
Hey, Bernadette's water broke! Come on! Everyone to the hospital! AMY: You have got to be kidding me! Just try to relax.
We'll be there any minute.
Stuart, stop driving like an old man.
Speed it up a little.
I'm not an old man! I just can't see at night.
(groaning): Here comes another one.
Hey, Squinty, the gas pedal's on the right! All right, hang on.
If you see any pedestrians, just call 'em out.
(engine roaring) Howard and Bernadette's kid might be born on your birthday.
How cool is that? Yeah, but I thought this baby was supposed to ruin their sex life, not mine.
KOOTHRAPPALI: This is not how I imagined this day going-- I should be with them right now.
Well, it is their child.
I know that.
But to be fair, I've spent nine months helping Bernadette get ready for this baby.
And Howard spent five minutes conceiving it.
And I'm being generous.
Five minutes? We must be doing it wrong.
It took us hours.
KOOTHRAPPALI: And-and the worst part is that they kicked me out and let Stuart stay.
I understand, but this is a special day for them.
Can you just try and let it go? SHELDON: She's right.
You know, I just learned Amy went to a theme park without me, but I'm not going to ruin her birthday.
I'll wait, and ruin 24 individual hours sprinkled throughout the year.
(high-pitched): Boop.
(groans) Deep breaths, slow breaths.
I'm so thirsty.
Give me more ice chips.
(crunching) Sorry.
I thought these were room ice chips.
I'll go get some more.
Uh, Stuart, while you're out there, don't come back.
Okay.
(chuckles) So, what are we gonna name this kid? Now that we know she's a girl, it kind of ruins my plan for Wally Wolowitz.
Could name her after your mom.
Debbie? (chuckles) No.
She hated that name.
Did she have a middle name? Melvina.
Let's keep thinking.
Mm.
Ah.
It sucks that she's not here.
I know.
Hm.
She would've been the best grandma.
She did always have candy in her pocket.
(exhales) Yeah.
I was 20 years old before I figured out Tootsie Rolls weren't naturally warm.
I didn't know her five minutes and she asked, (like Mrs.
Wolowitz): “Are you a Milky Way or a Snickers girl?” Thank God you answered right, we wouldn't be here today.
It's hard to believe Howard's having a kid.
Yeah.
Penny, you're the one who introduced him to Bernie.
How many times do I have to say I'm sorry? It's not just Howard and Bernadette.
I mean, look how far we've all come.
Hmm.
Hmm.
You two got married.
Sheldon and I are living together.
But if my mom asks, we have bunk beds.
Penny was a struggling actress when we met, and now she's a successful pharmaceutical rep.
Okay, you don't have to say “struggling” every time.
You can just say “actress.
” Howard went to space.
Bernadette got her doctorate.
Sheldon, Howard and I are working with the government on our quantum gyroscope.
We've all come a long way.
There's a lot to be proud of.
For God's sake, just drive in the knife, why don't you! What's your problem? Well, you're all thinking that I'm the only one who hasn't done anything worthwhile.
I was not thinking it.
Although, now that you point it out, it is undeniable.
Raj, if it's any consolation, I'm no better off than I was ten years ago.
Oh, yay! I have a doctorate in astrophysics and I'm every bit as awesome as the pasty-faced owner of a comic book store! Raj! Show some compassion.
Those are things that we think but don't say.
Excuse me.
Sorry, Stuart.
Hey, I'm in a hospital and I'm not the patient.
I'm fine.
Come on, Bernie, breathe.
Remember what you learned in birthing class.
I remember thinking, “This is stupid”" and I was right! Do you want me to get the nurse? No! If one more person puts their fingers near my uterus, I'm gonna cross my legs and snap 'em off! I've come to peace with my relationship with my parents.
That was a big milestone for me.
Oh, speaking of personal growth, I recently tried eating Swiss chard.
You know, I didn't swallow it, but Amy said it counted.
Hey.
Hey.
Still a loser or did you turn things around while you were gone? You know, Raj, honey, you're being too hard on yourself.
When I first met you, you couldn't even talk to women.
I mean, you couldn't even talk if one was in the room.
Oh, great, now I can say things like “I can't believe you're breaking up with me.
” “Why are you breaking up with me?” “Yes, I'll still help you move”" Anyone else want to try? Uh, yeah, I got something.
Raj, not everybody could be a dog owner.
Oh, what? Did your doggie break up with you too? Hey, I bought M&Ms at the vending machine and two bags came out.
I bought the first one, it didn't fall.
Here.
She's here, the baby's here! - Oh! Oh.
- Congratulations! How's Bernadette? Tired, but great.
They're both great.
Does the baby have a name yet? We have named her Halley.
- Oh! - Oh, like Halley's comet.
HOWARD: Exactly.
Also like the comet, Bernadette said she's not gonna have sex with me for another 75 years.
That's not a real thing, he's just joking.
I'm gonna get back.
Thank you for staying up, I can't wait for Halley to meet her new aunts and uncles and godfather.
Really? Of course.
You hear that, Stuart?! I've got a dog and a godchild, you have nothing! (babies cooing) Oh, look at all the babies! Some will be successful, some may be homeless.
It's fun to think about.
I wonder which one's Halley.
Kind of hard to see the names.
Mm, that one kind of looks like Bernadette.
They all look the same to me.
KOOTHRAPPALI: Guys, she's my goddaughter, I think I'll know when I see her.
(baby cries loudly like Mrs.
Wolowitz) That one.
Well, that was quite a day.
It was.
Bernadette had her baby, I made it to Wizarding World, and now it is time to complete your birthday celebration.
Hankius pankius.
I was afraid you'd be too tired.
Amy, I just saw a magic train and reported somebody for cutting the line.
If that's not foreplay, I don't know what is.
(chuckles)