Modern Family s10e11 Episode Script

Hey, you guys.
I packed up some dishes for the new house.
I even found your old sippy cup for when the little one comes along.
- Aww.
- Thanks, Mr.
D.
Thanks, Dad.
Is, uh, Mom still in there making that judgy face? Haley, you've known her for 25 years.
Just call it her face.
Haley's pregnancy is off to a rough start.
Nausea, moodiness, trouble sleeping Claire's got it all.
Me, I'm just trying to keep the peace here in Hormone Town.
Oh, can you believe it, Claire? Our little girl is growing up.
Yeah, it seems like just yesterday we were carrying all these boxes downstairs after she got arrested and kicked out of college.
- [Chuckles.]
- Ah.
Yeah, I've been through a lot, too.
I've been a limo driver, a lead singer, a ranch hand, a Dapper Dan at Disneyland, a t-shirt designer, a sign spinner and now a nursing student with a baby on the way.
It's all going according to plan.
- Oh.
- So, we're gonna take some stuff over.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Let's get a, uh Let's get a mother/daughter picture.
Oh Oh, honey, I don't We we really don't have to.
No, no, no.
It'll be cute.
Uh, Dad, you're being weird.
No one wants this.
Hang on here.
Nope, that's my finger.
[Chuckles.]
So many fun filters.
Both: Just take the picture! Claire, look at the positive.
One of our kids is finally moving out.
After her pregnancy test, I've had enough positives.
Kind of reminds me of two other unmarried, pregnant, lovestruck kids who moved in together about 25 years ago.
It's not the same.
I don't know.
Acid-wash their jeans and put a dream catcher in Dylan's ear, and it's exactly the same.
Honey, I had a dream last night that they left the baby in an Uber, and I had to shrink myself down to commandeer a hummingbird to find it.
I'm just glad it wasn't another Jake Tapper sex dream.
I'm mad.
I'm scared they're in over their heads Claire, it's happening.
They're having the baby.
The train's left the station.
Get on board.
[Sighs.]
Fine.
You're right.
You're right.
I'll I'll try to be positive.
Good.
I was gonna go pick up a house-warming gift for them.
- Why don't you come with me? - Oh, okay, let's do that.
Wait a second.
How do you board a train that's already left the station? I don't know.
Maybe you could catch up to them on a hummingbird with Jake Tapper.
Well, you're off the hook.
I'm flying to Branson solo, and I guess I'll be sitting next to a stranger at The Osmond Brothers: A Tribute to Hip Hop.
Well, I'll catch them when they come to Compton, but thank you.
Well, it's the least I could do after what you did for my sister, Pam.
My sister, Pam, is coming to pick up Cal to to take him back to Missouri.
She was supposed to be in prison another three months, but my wonderful husband, Assistant D.
A.
Pritchett, wrote a letter advocating for her early release.
It was nothing.
It actually was nothing.
I never wrote any letter.
It just It didn't feel right.
Pam showed no remorse, and her sentence was fair.
And And then for some reason, they decided to let her out early anyway.
Fortunately, uh, parole records are sealed, so Pam and Cam will never know, and I don't have to go to Branson and hear the Osmonds ask if they can get a "what-what.
" - [Doorbell rings.]
- [Gasps.]
That's her! Cal, that's your mom! She's back from her, um trip? Up the river.
Pam! There she is! - Hey, y'all! - Oh, it's so good to see you! - Hi! - Hi.
- Momma! - [Gasps.]
There's my little chicken nugget! Ooh, my goodness! I missed you so much.
How have you been? They read to me every night.
Aw, don't worry, baby.
That's all over now.
Oh, almost forgot! Look what Momma made you.
I'm gonna put it on my bike! Oh, he's gonna put it on his bike! Oh, Pam, it is so great that you're out.
It must've been so lonely in there.
Well, there was some companionship.
Good.
- I dabbled in lesbianism.
- Oh.
Didn't hate it.
But there was just too much talking afterwards.
- Yeah, yeah, I'm gonna get you some iced tea.
- Yeah.
[Chuckles.]
Again, I'm I'm so sorry that you can't stay upstairs.
- We have this new renter coming in, and - Cram it.
I know you didn't send that letter.
What? H-How? That don't matter.
All that matters is you're gonna pay.
Oh In prison, they called me BOTOX, because even though all the ladies want me, I will wreck your face.
Sherry, I-I don't know if I like these.
They're so short.
No, that's the style, boo.
I just don't know if I have the ankles for this.
Yeah, those pants are no good for Latin people.
They make you look like you're trying to run across a river.
Well, I think you look great.
You should only wear pants like that from now on.
Okay.
Manny, we should start sending invitations for your birthday party.
Oh, but I thought we were gonna go to the Ojai Mime and Wine Festival for your birthday? Oh, yeah, maybe we shouldn't do the party, Mom.
This is crazy.
Manny's terrified of mimes.
And he hates Central Valley wine.
Hey, great news.
My Sausage of the Month arrived a day early.
You get to be here for the un-boxing.
I'm not gonna film it this time.
Kielbasa, yes! They took my suggestion again.
I told you it's not a suggestion.
The web page is just asking you to choose one.
Anyways, we have a problem.
Sherry is bossing Manny around.
Oof, that's a lot to take in.
Can you cook these up with that special sauce you do? You have to go and tell him - that he needs to stand up for himself.
- Why me? I-I don't think we should get involved at all, but, I mean, if it's a problem for you, then you do it, 'cause I don't care.
I can't.
If I say something bad about Manny's girlfriend, he's not gonna listen, because I am the mother who thinks that nobody's good enough for her little boy.
- Just let it go.
- I can't because she's not good enough for my little boy.
I'm gonna take a pass.
Then I'm gonna take a pass making your sausages with my grandmother's spicy onion sauce.
Fine, I'll do it.
But all these demands don't sound very second wife-y.
Jay: Hey, kid.
I need to talk to you about you and your girlfriend.
It's a sensitive subject.
If this is about the sounds coming from my room last night, it wasn't what you think.
We were rearranging the furniture, and then we were congratulating each other on how it turned out.
Sadly, I believe you.
I thought you liked your furniture exactly like it was? We fired two cleaning women over this.
[Sighs.]
I thought I did, too, but it turns out I didn't.
Actually, that's what I don't want to talk to you about.
Is it possible Sherry pushes you around? What are you saying? I don't know.
Be the man, you know.
Show some backbone.
- That is such a you thing to say.
- It really isn't.
It's such an old way of looking at relationships.
Gender roles don't matter anymore.
Is that why you're wearing her pants? Let me tell you something, Jay.
Just like long pants, toxic machismo has gone out of style.
Yeah.
Yeah, masculinity's bad till someone has to kill a spider.
Ta-da! [Laughs.]
Welcome to 14 7/8 Fletcher Ave.
Wow.
This is cozy, huh? Well, it's a converted garage, so I know it's a little bit small.
Oh, honey, it's only small for a place to live.
Hey, we got you guys a housewarming gift.
It's a decorative pineapple because, uh, pineapples are a symbol of good luck.
Thanks, Mr.
D.
That's way better than our giant cherry.
That's just a symbol of a clean toilet.
Thanks, Dad.
You've very welcome.
It's actually from both of us, right, honey? Right.
Right, because I thought you would want a lot of luck.
Mom, look.
I know what you're thinking - [Jet engine rumbling.]
- but we're saving a ton of money.
[Shouting.]
Utilities are included, we don't need a lot of furniture, and it'll be easy to keep track of the baby! And they can, uh they can walk to the airport.
Which brings us back to the living room.
Wow.
We got the whole tour without even moving.
Phil: Tiny-homes are very trendy these days.
And, by the way, it's what I called my short, black best friend in high school.
So, where where are you thinking of - putting the baby's crib? - Well, we were thinking about putting it right there under the skylight.
That way, the baby can look up and reach for the stars.
Ohh, I love that.
And look how clean that glass is.
A little too clean.
- [Thud.]
- It's It's not a skylight.
There's a hole in your roof.
Cool, I always wanted to learn how to install a skylight.
I guess today's the day.
Have you also always wanted to move an electrical outlet that's currently in the shower? - Well, that can't be code.
- It's not.
I'm telling you exactly what's going on.
- [Cellphone rings.]
- Oh, excuse me.
Haley, honey.
You can't raise a baby in here.
What happens if if the baby's crying - and you need to sleep? - Thought of it.
We're gonna put up a sheet to make it like a little room.
Oh, smart.
Tell me how this works.
Wahh, wahh, wahh.
Could you hear me? I know it's not perfect, but we've got this.
We're a lot more grown up than you think.
Haley, can I talk to you for a second in the kitchen? Yeah.
Uh, that was the doctor.
We're supposed to be there right now.
Oh, my God.
The ultrasound I totally spaced! We can't let my mom find out.
Um, let's just make up something responsible and get out of here.
- Okay.
- Okay.
So, we need to go and get toothbrushes.
You should've put up a sheet.
We heard everything.
You missed your first ultrasound appointment? Well, we will if you keep lecturing me.
- Who's the doctor? - We found her on Yelp.
- She has, like, four stars.
- Mm-hmm.
So does the sushi place that gave Luke worms.
I'm coming with you.
I think I'm just gonna hang back and commence Operation Skylight.
I parked in back.
Let's go this way.
- Oh! - Oh, God! [Shatters.]
That is lucky! We just bought a broom.
- [Kids laughing.]
- Hey, there's my favorite sister-in-law.
I, uh I got you a Popsicle, and the stick has a joke on it.
Um, "How do you fix a broken gorilla?" Mm, well, I guess we're gonna find out soon.
- [Chuckles.]
- Sticks are good for more than joking.
In prison, I learned how to fashion all manner of sticks into knives.
You know, I love that you had time for crafts in there.
I also learned if you don't do what you say you're gonna, you get hurt.
Um, I'm gonna go, uh, check on Cal.
No, no, no, I'll do it.
I want to soak up as much time with him as I can before you take him home.
Cal.
Cal, what is Put that down! Where did he get a cheeseburger? - I don't know.
- [Laughs.]
Hey, look.
I'm I-I'm sorry about the letter, but it all worked out.
You still got out early.
Only because I volunteered to help train police dogs.
It was horrible.
- [Dog barking.]
- [Shouting.]
I'm stealing a TV! I'm stealing a TV! Get off of me! I feel it! What do you want from me? - Miles.
- Uh, what? I know all you fancy people have rewards cards.
Being all cooped up has given me the travel bug.
But I've been saving those.
I bought groceries at a gas station for six months to get triple points.
For For Lily's birthday breakfast, we gave her something called Pop Zarts.
I want them in my account by the end of the day or I tell Cameron.
But I almost have enough for two off-peak flights to Paris.
Ha, "monkey wrench.
" Yeah, that's putting it mildly.
No, that's how you fix a broken gorilla, you dummy.
Oh.
Oh, there you are.
How did it go? Not well.
He got all mad, called me old-fashioned.
Me the guy who bought Alex a book on successful business ladies.
Sorry, I didn't understand that.
Please try again.
Why does that coffee grinder keep talking to me? Well, you kept your end of the bargain, so I'm gonna make the sausages, and we'll talk about the second step later.
There's no second steps.
I did it.
That's the last I want to hear about it.
Manny: Thanks a lot, Jay.
I should've ignored you, but you got in my head.
About what? This is first time I hear of this.
I started thinking maybe she does boss me around a little bit, so I confronted her, things got heated, and now she called a car and she's leaving.
The best relationship I've ever had, and I think it might be ending.
Last time I listen to you, Jay.
Don't worry, papi.
Those things have a way - of working themselves out.
- Eh, what're ya gonna do? Yeah, that's a good question.
What are you going to do? I'm calling it.
I'm done.
Calling Brian Dunn.
No.
No, no.
I owe him money.
Jay, you need to talk to Sherry and tell her that it was your idea.
I've kept up my part of the bargain.
Now, don't go all Colombian and tell me if I don't talk to Sherry you're not making those sausages, 'cause I already took a second statin.
Sorry, for once, you're not getting your way.
Hey, Sher, got a sec? Uh, tough to say.
Bartev is two minutes away, but his car is spinning, so I know you're upset with Manny.
That's on me.
I put some ideas in his head.
You know, I'm kind of a hero to him.
I didn't mean to cause any trouble.
You know, I'm crazy about the kid, and I just want to make sure he's in a healthy relationship.
Gloria put you up to this, didn't she? - It's complicated.
- [Scoffs.]
You do see the irony of this, right? She's so worried about Manny getting bossed around, yet she has no problem bossing you around? - No, no, that's crazy.
- Really? Is this how you wanted to spend your afternoon? No, I hate this.
Man, I had a whole day planned.
Listen, I'm gonna let Manny spiral for a few hours, and then we're gonna go back upstairs and move the furniture around.
Oh, God, it was that.
But you need to stand up for yourself.
You go back in there, and you tell Gloria that you're tired of being told what to do.
- Let me think about it.
- Don't think.
- Just do it.
- Okay.
[Door hinges squeak, water running.]
Oh! Oh.
Relax.
It's nothing I haven't seen before.
I was on the boys' wrestling team.
What do you want? I transferred the miles.
I got 'em.
Decided I don't want to travel, though Converted them all into gift cards.
No, no, no, they say you're not supposed to do that.
I decided I want something else.
I want to move in upstairs, and I want a HEPA air filter on account of I shed.
I told you it's rented.
I can't just cancel on them.
You sure about that? Because when I don't get what I want, I can make things real uncomfortable.
Oh, cold, cold! Cameron: What's going on? Nothing.
Mitchell and I's just talking.
No, no, we weren't.
I can't I can't take this anymore.
I'm sorry.
- I never wrote the letter to the parole board.
- What? I I tried to lie, but I just I couldn't do it.
Yet you had no problem lying to me.
You just let my sister rot in that horrific hell hole? Oh, please, they have a Taco Tuesday! - Uh, Cam, c-can we talk? - Oh, hold up.
I'm just looking through some pictures of me helping out your family.
Here I am taking Jay and Gloria to the airport, and, oh, this is me, uh, helping Alex move into her dorm room, and who can forget when I helped Phil with that magic trick and let him make me disappear.
You're not in that picture.
That's how good I am at helping out.
Now let's take a look at some pictures of you helping out my family.
Oh! Cam, I tried to write the letter.
I I really did, but she broke the law, and she got a fair sentence.
She did not deserve to get out early.
I-I couldn't bring myself to lie about it.
Oh, give me a break.
I have heard you say the words, "Nice perm, Manny.
" You can get there.
I am an officer of the law.
- I took an oath.
- What about our oath? To love, honor, and and lie for each other's family.
Oh, that's not part of it.
But it's implied.
Stop.
Stop.
Mitchell's right.
I spent the day terrorizing him.
I'm a horrible person.
I should still be in jail.
Look what I took.
Is that my beard trimmer? Works on other hairs.
[Sighs.]
I'm sorry.
I am a thief and a liar and a manipulator.
I can't be trusted to rejoin society.
Hey, don't say that.
You're You're gonna be fine.
What about little Cal? He's doing so good here.
I'm just gonna ruin him.
I need supervision, to be locked back up.
You guys know where I can get a pickup truck and a big ol' chain? I'm gonna steal me a Redbox.
Pam, hey, you [Sighs.]
You don't have to go back to prison, okay? You can stay upstairs.
Do you mean it? What about your renters? We'll cancel, um, and and we'll help take care of Cal until you can get back on your feet, okay? Family first.
Hey.
- [Camera shutter clicks.]
- One for the book.
I'm gonna go get settled upstairs.
If it's okay, I'll come back down for Cal after my tub.
Thank you both.
I won't forget this.
That was so sweet.
I'm glad Cal gets to stick around.
And now with Pam here, she can feed the cat while we go to Branson.
Dr.
Singh, that is some exquisite gel work, and I say that as a soon-to-be nurse and someone who wears a lot of product in his hair.
Thank you.
Haley, have you been taking your prenatal vitamins? I'll make sure she does from now on.
Calm down, Mom.
I can remember to take a pill every day.
Can you? - [Thudding.]
- There's the heartbeat.
Oh, it it sounds so fast, is everything okay? No, that's good.
That's the way a baby's heart should sound.
He's right.
It's the sound of a very healthy oh! Together: What? [Thudding.]
There's a second heartbeat.
A baby with two hearts? I didn't know I was pregnant when I ate that brownie! - I didn't - No, H-Haley, breathe.
You're having twins.
[Laughs.]
That's impossible.
It's a mistake.
It's not.
I'm pretty good at this.
She's right.
You can see them right here.
I can't have twins.
That's twice as many babies as we were expecting.
Yeah, they'll outnumber us.
How are they gonna fit in our place? How are they gonna fit in my body? One is always going to be awake.
I'll never sleep again.
And those double-strollers are so wide, I can say goodbye to ever shopping in a boutique.
- Haley, everything's gonna be okay.
- You don't know that.
- I do! - I'm in way over my head, Mom, I But you're not alone.
Yeah, I'll be here.
Yeah, he'll be here, but I meant me.
I'll be here.
Yeah, but you kind of haven't been lately.
I know, I know, and I'm very sorry about that, but as you're about to find out, being a mom is very complicated.
Luckily, there are these instincts that kick in, especially when your kid's in trouble.
So if you're ever overwhelmed, I am right over your shoulder on the wings of a hummingbird.
Now I know where she got the brownie.
And I'll be right behind you on that hummingbird, Mrs.
D.
It's kind of a hummingbird for one.
[Chuckles.]
Okay, Manny and his girlfriend are good.
Let's boil and broil.
Thank you, Jay.
Two sausages coming up.
Two? What, am I in a boy band? Make 'em all.
So, what did Sherry say exactly? Not much.
I, you know I did most of the talking.
Well, hopefully now she'll stop being so controlling.
[Laughing.]
Yeah.
[Chuckles.]
Funny, though.
What is? Well, it's just that, you know, you were worried about Manny being pushed around, and if you think about it, you've been sort of pushing me around all day.
What's the funny part? No, it's just Where's this coming from? Nothing, it's just something I thought of.
No, you don't think of stuff.
- This is Sherry.
- No, it isn't.
But if it were, she'd have a point.
Oh, really? So you think I'm very controlling? Well, you're welcome to choose the doctors, pick the handymen, make plans with friends, cancel plans with friends.
Okay, okay, I get it.
No, no, no, no.
You do need to take more control.
Actually, from now on, you should decide how to cook your own sausage.
Fine, you don't think I can do it? Coffee grinder, how do I make Gloria's special sauce? Now you're quiet? [Door opens, closes.]
Phil: Hey, Jay.
- You ready to go? - Go where? Gloria said you'd help me put in a skylight at Haley's new place.
Oh, yeah, I empowered her to say that.
How's the move going? So good.
Really good.
Good, good, good, good.
- That's good.
- No, it's not.
It's a disaster.
The place is too small.
Everything needs fixing.
I'm trying to stay calm, but There's a hole in the ceiling, Jay A hole in the ceiling.
Rain is gonna fall on the crib.
What What happens if a an owl picks up a-a pinecone and drops it? - My grandchild's gonna get hit with a pinecone! - Don't be silly.
What would an owl be doing with a pinecone? At the most, it would be a mouse or a baby gopher.
Dylan seems like he's getting his life together, but he's still a wild card at best.
I know exactly how you feel.
I guess you do.
I was your wild card, huh? I didn't have a lot of faith.
Didn't you have feathers hanging off your ear? - It was a dream catcher.
- It was my nightmare.
I think I see what you're saying.
If I can become awesome, so can Dylan.
That's not what I'm saying.
Who the hell knows what's gonna happen? Let me tell you something about life.
We all have this illusion that we're in control.
I wanted to play pro football, some guy takes my knee out.
I graduate from school, I'm gonna drive my motorcycle across the country, and some suit pulls my draft number.
I worked my ass off to send my daughter to college, some juggler knocks her up.
Again, sir, I'm very sorry about that.
I put in the years, I build my business so I don't have to answer to anyone, and I still have to jump through hoops to get a damn sausage.
You lost me there at that last part.
Look, all I'm saying is things are always gonna change, and you have to deal with it.
But the good news is, five years from now while you're playing with your grandkid, you won't even remember today.
[Chuckles.]
I hadn't thought about it like that.
Thanks, Jay.
[Cellphone chimes.]
Huh.
Haley and Dylan are gonna have to move back in with us.
That's okay.
I can handle that.
[Cellphone swooshes.]
She's having twins.
Let's get you a sausage.
[Knock on door.]
Thank you.
It was a box of clothes Pam asked her mom to ship to her three days ago.
You faked that breakdown so you could stay here.
Well done, Counselor.
See, this is why I couldn't write that letter for you.
You have no remorse for your lying, stealing ways, but I I am on to you, and I am going to make you pay.
[Scoffs.]
No, you ain't.
You tiny.
Hey, hey, are those our lamps? Pam?