Married with Children s10e12 Episode Script

Great, Carlos.
What time are you gonna come over? There's no cinco on my watch.
Oh, 5.
Oh, okay! Okay, I'll see you then.
"Adidas.
" Hey, Bud.
I need your help with a date.
I'm not videotaping anything, Kel.
No, I'm finally going out with Carlos.
So, what, you need the Spanish translation for "it unhooks in back"? No, I already know how to say that.
No, the problem is that his cousin is coming in from the old country and the only way that I can go out with him is if my favorite brother in the whole wide world keeps Esmeralda company.
"Esmeralda"? Oh, that sounds promising.
Yeah, a lot of supermodels are named Esmeralda.
Come on, Bud, Carlos is so hot.
Please, I will do anything.
That's public record, Kel.
Look, I'm not gonna dog-sit Esmeralda.
I'll get you a date with my friend Fawn.
Fawn, Fawn, let's get it on? - That's the one.
- All right.
But she hates me.
Yeah, but she owes me for going out with her goofy brother who lives in the attic.
In the attic? What a dork! Yeah, he'd be a lot cooler if he lived in the basement like you.
Ain't gonna live no more With no big, fat woman Ain't gonna live no more With no big, fat woman Ain't gonna live no more With no big, fat woman Al, don't you think you're jumping to conclusions? All Dad said was that he's coming over here with big news.
What could be bigger than your mother? In captivity, that is? That's probably Ephraim now.
Hey, Ephraim, get in here, you old-- Chicken.
Sorry, Marcie, I mistook you for a 70-year-old hillbilly.
Well, I'm sure that you get that all the time.
Al, not even you could dull my spirits today.
Jefferson and I have just returned from a blissful two days at marriage-encounter camp.
"Dr.
Richelieu's love compound and water park.
" We've never been happier.
Isn't that right, Jefferson? Love is all I need to make me happy.
Jefferson? Are you in there, buddy? What happened to you? You used to be a man.
I am a man.
Then who's your favorite Stooge? The Three Stooges are not funny.
You know who I think is funny? That Elayne Boosler.
It's a lot worse than I thought.
Luckily, I have something for such an emergency.
Jefferson I want you to get a load of these Big 'Uns here.
It's all coming back to me.
Moe! Moe, is my favorite Stooge! Those bastards, they almost got you.
Hey, who's the broad in the kitchen? Well, that's your wife.
How the hell did that happen? Let's go, Jefferson.
It's almost time for my nooner.
Take two of these, call me in the morning.
Better make it four.
Gee, Al, they seem so much in love.
Maybe this Dr.
Richelieu could make our marriage happier.
Oh, no, Peg.
The only doctor who could do that is Kevorkian.
Hi, Ephraim.
Come in.
You hook up the harness and I'll Crisco the doors.
We'll pop that little woman right on out of here.
Wait.
Wait a minute, Al.
I'm not here to pick up Mama.
I'm taking a trip around the world with my travel agent.
Wait till you see this.
Hey, Pancake, get your flapjacks in here, darling.
What'd I tell you, Al, huh? Part-time travel agent, part-time stripper and full-time love machine.
Daddy, I can't believe you could do this.
Oh, I could.
You are a married man.
Married? You told me you were a college student taking a year off before law school.
Now, look at that.
I gotta get me another travel agent! No, you don't.
You are gonna go up there and reconcile with Mom.
No, no, no.
That's not gonna work, Margaret.
We just can't communicate anymore.
Well, maybe that's because you don't have a creamy-nougat center.
Hey, I know.
What if we take you and Mom to this Dr.
Richelieu's marriage retreat.
No, no.
I don't believe in them fancy-schmancy headshrinkers.
- It's got a water slide.
- It does? Whoa, I'm there, dude! I see you're wearing your easy-access dress.
And I see you're wearing your wonder briefs.
Look, if you still want me to babysit Bowzer, you better be nice to me.
Her name is Esmeralda.
Yeah, I don't care what her name is.
She's not getting up on the furniture.
I still get my shot with Fawn, right? Yes.
She'll be here at 11:00.
Just in time to tuck you in and tell you about her other dates.
Hey, she can bring her other dates for all I care as long as I get my two minutes.
Carlos is here! Okay, okay, okay.
Hola, Kelly.
You look muy bonita tonight.
Thank you.
You look "Bobby Bania" too.
How charming.
One of your American jokes.
Speaking of American jokes this is my brother, Bud.
This, this is my cousin, Esmeralda.
Damn.
I'm sorry, I didn't get a chance - to change into some nicer clothes.
- Oh, no.
Please don't worry.
You won't be wearing them much longer.
Damn! Carlos, Bud and I are going to his room to play.
We are? Thank you, God.
Well, Carlos, it's just you and me and this big empty couch.
Yes, but when do I get to meet your chaperons? Well, soon if you play your cards right, gosh.
No, no, no.
I mean your parents.
Where is your father, the village shoesmith? He's with my mother, the village shopper and my Grandmother, the village.
Well, it was nice of you to have your brother look after my unsullied cousin, Esmeralda.
Why, she's going to be a nun you know? Oh, God! Oh, God! You see? They are praying together already.
Welcome to Dr.
Richelieu's love compound and water park.
I am Dr.
Richelieu.
Thank you.
No! No applause, please.
Now, I see before me today many troubled couples.
Hey, Daddy, how's Mom doing? She's still not talking to me for lying and saying I was taking her to IHOP.
Now, I know you all think your problems might be strange or unique.
But believe me I have seen it all and nothing could-- Holy mother of gods! Well, she's old enough.
And who might you be? Well, I might be Brad Pitt, but you can see by the chick on my arm, I'm not.
We're not here for counseling.
We're just here to drop off my Mom and Dad.
Right, so I'll just unhitch the trailer and bid everyone here a hidy ho.
Hey, wait, wait! Hold it, Al.
I got to talk to you.
Excuse me a minute, darling.
Would you--? Listen now I gotta talk to you.
It's-- It's Mama.
She's a little shy.
Of what, metric ton? No, no, no.
I think she's a little embarrassed to be here.
You know, Al, maybe Daddy's right.
Maybe it'd make her feel better if we stick around and participate.
Peg, I'd rather go synchronized swimming with Angela Lansbury.
I'd rather have my neck shaved by Ray Charles.
I'd even rather have your picture tattooed on the inside of my eye lids than spend any more time with these clowns.
Look, Al, you leave now, and you can forget about Mama and I patching things up here.
All right, I'll stay! But I swear, I'm not touching that bozo with the big red hair.
Or that guy.
I gave my love a cherry That had no stone Oh, that was great.
Stop now, please.
- I gave my love a chicken - Stop, please.
That had no bone Carlos.
This is very romantic and everything but I too can be strummed and twanged.
I feel completely refreshed.
Hey, sex is a lot more fun with a live partner, isn't it, Bud? Oh, you got that right-- You know, your petty, little insults mean nothing to me now.
What's up with Julio? Well, Carlos just likes to take things slow.
He's a perfect gentleman.
What, no--? No touch? No kiss? Not even my favorite yawn, stretch, cheap feel? Guys do that on purpose? Bud, you have rested long enough.
Damn! I gave my love a baby Yeah, right.
And now for the next exercise.
The most important thing in any relationship is trust.
Now, is everybody blindfolded? And gagged.
- That won't be necessary.
- You don't know the wife.
In this exercise the husbands will select either good or bad-tasting food.
And the wives will trustingly eat what is offered.
Al, I can feel you smiling.
Let's start with the Wankers.
Ephraim, make your selection.
Oh, boy.
Can I talk to you a minute, Dr.
Looky-loo? Be right back, darling.
Listen, I'd like to pass on that wife-feeding exercise you got there.
Why? Because I have become very attached to my hands.
If you can't reach out to her with a Weenie Tot how will you reach out to her with your heart? Oh, all right.
I'll give her a shot.
Alrighty.
Here I come, darling.
Here, sweetie.
A little Weenie Tot for you, my little hippo.
Come on, darling.
Here you go.
My finger! Dr.
Richelieu, we need to comfort Mrs.
Wanker.
She hasn't come back since the accident.
Accident?! That was no accident, you slap-shoed son of an onion.
She'd have eaten my whole hand if I hadn't have tickled her stomach.
Nevertheless, Mr.
Giggles has a point.
Ephraim, go find your wife and give her some hug therapy.
Oh, shut up, you touchy-feely hug freak.
I suppose you have a better way? I do.
Men, gather round here.
I wanna talk to you.
Now listen here.
Take your wife on a midnight stroll through the woods.
Let her ramble on about how everything's your fault.
Then you say, "You're right.
I'm sorry.
" Marriage is fixed.
And they'll never know that you were thinking about Pamela Anderson the whole time.
I'll give her a try, Al.
Say, what makes you such an expert on love? Well, Ephraim.
Call me a hopeless romantic but I wanna fall in love one day myself.
Come on, boys.
We're off.
Al, why aren't we going to the woods to save our marriage? Well, you know my motto, Peg: If it's broke, don't fix it.
And this next slide is a family portrait.
Look at that cute burro.
That burro is my Aunt Maria.
Well, the saddlebags threw me.
Is that a statue of Sally Struthers? You're very perceptive.
She brought much food to my country.
We're hoping the next time she comes she'll share it with us.
I wonder how Bud and Esmeralda are getting along.
Stop! Stop! You're killing me! She must be telling him one of her many amusing jokes, huh? Well, I like jokes.
Really? Oh, then soon you will be smiling.
Okay, a duck, a priest, and Fidel Castro walk into a cantina.
The duck says to the bartender, "I would like a cerveza" Nice going, Mr.
Bundy.
It's been one hour, and still no one has returned.
If I wasn't the prophet of love, I'd give you the thrashing of your life.
Thrash all you want, Dr.
Skip To My Lou, just don't hug me.
Thanks, Mr.
Bundy.
You saved our marriage.
Thanks, Mr.
Bundy.
You saved our marriage.
Thanks, Mr.
Bundy.
You saved our marriage.
Thanks a lot, Al.
Peg, pack your mother's bag.
She'll be moving on out.
Now, wait.
He saved your marriage as well? No, you English muffin.
We're busting up for good.
Well, didn't you do what I told you? Yeah, yeah, and it worked out perfect.
Yeah.
She wants me back now, then I realized I got these tickets for a trip around the world.
So I can take any babe I want.
Ephraim, you could have two tickets around the entire galaxy you gin-soaked waffle head.
No one's going with you.
You're going around the world? I'll go with you.
Bye, baby.
Am I lucky? Our first stop is Mexico and she's got her own maracas.
Al, this is all your fault.
Everybody! Then the duck says to the bartender: "I can't believe you serve Cubans here.
" - Well, it's about time.
- Oh, you're right.
It's almost Esmeralda's curfew and this is the last night before she enters the convent.
Esmeralda? - Yes, cousin Carlos? - Say good night to your playmate, Bud.
Goodbye, Kelly.
If it isn't being to forward, I would like to kiss you good night.
Sure.
Esmeralda, come.
Can you believe that guy? How dare he not put out.
You know what? I'm gonna tell all my girlfriends and ruin his reputation.
Kelly, this is great.
Now, you're desperate and for the first time in my life, I'm not horny.
Take me now! That's what I'm here for.
- Fawn? - Yup.
And I haven't had sex in 15 minutes.
- Let's go.
- No, no, no!