Modern Family s10e12 Episode Script
Blasts from the Past
1 We're taking a four-week bicycle trip through the vineyards of Italy! We figure that this summer, our whole lives are gonna be turned upside-down when Haley, Dylan, and their twins move in with us, so why not splurge on a grandbaby-moon? So we've been hitting the language tapes, the, uh the stationary bikes, and a couple of times a day, I wolfishly whistle at Claire to prepare her for that timeless Roman charm.
I can't believe after all those nights at Fratelli's talking about going to Italy, it's actually happening.
[Italian accent.]
Ohh, American lady! Why do you do this to me? Don't make me practice my slap on you again.
Mm.
- [Music plays.]
- [Normal voice.]
What's that? Oh, I'm on hold.
I'm booking us into a converted castle in Tuscany - for our anniversary.
- Does it have a moat? I've been working on all of our receipts for taxes.
Looks like we're getting a refund, which means that we can afford to To pay the dwarf who will lower the drawbridge if we answer his riddles three? I'm gonna nip this in the bud.
No moat.
This trip was such a great idea.
- Oh, I know.
- Ah.
Mwah! - Things are gonna be so hectic here this summer.
- Mm-hmm.
It's weird to think people will be calling us - Grandpa and - No, please don't say it.
Don't say that word.
It makes me feel so old.
But I have thought about what I want them to call me.
- Gammy.
- Gammy.
Well, let's take her for a spin.
"Hey, everyone, Gammy's here!" "Sorry, guys, not today, Gammy's in a mood.
" - Yeah, it does.
It works.
- Mm.
Yeah.
- Hey, roomies.
- Hey "Roomies"? What is with all the boxes and the bags? Well, I know we said we'd move in when the babies come, but then we thought about all the money we'd save.
- Mucho dinero.
- Mm.
- Yes.
- You look mad.
I should've told you.
I was afraid to tell you.
I didn't think that I could handle the disappointment [voice breaking.]
if you weren't happy about it.
But you're not unhappy about it, right? - Right?! - Oh, honey.
Oh, honey.
Oh, my gosh, you're the best.
I love you so much.
- [Chuckles.]
- [Inhales deeply.]
Wow! What a journey.
What is my life gonna be like when I'm in the hormonal stage? Oh, wait, there was one more thing, um Woman: Hey, where should I put these boxes? My mom surprised us.
We were hoping she could stay a couple days.
Hello, hello! Well, it's about time we officially met, considering our DNA is already swirling around - in Haley's womb.
- [Chuckles.]
Phil.
- Oh, hey.
- Mwah.
- Claire.
- Oh, hi.
[Smooches.]
- I'm Farrah.
- Hi, Farrah.
- You look so familiar.
- Well, I meet a lot of people with my work in the protest movement.
Oh, did you participate in the Ivory is Murder Fun Run? - Not that I recall.
- Sweetheart, why don't you show Farrah - where she will be sleeping.
- Oh, no, I just need two weight-bearing hooks spaced seven feet apart.
This kimono converts to a hammock.
Ah.
- Travel agent: Pronto! - Italy! - They answered! Where's the phone? - Oh! Oh, no, no, no.
- Where's the phone? - I got it, right here.
- You got it? Get it.
- Yeah.
Oh! Oh! Oh, buddy, I'm so sorry.
- Let me get you some ice.
- Damn it! No, no, don't worry.
I brought magnets.
Is that the way she treats all head injuries? Because I've got a theory.
I want to give these old toys to Haley's babies.
Oh, Joe, that's so sweet! Now I have room in the closet for my lizard.
Lizard? I thought that you were just going to the pet shop to look.
I can't say no to that face.
You're gonna have to be bad cop 'til puberty, you know, when the Pritchett Adam's apple and fuzz-stache show up.
Manny, you should also give something for the twins.
You both are gonna be uncles.
That's a very proud tradition in our family.
That's right, Joe.
Our great-great Uncle Alvaro was a famous South American freedom fighter.
You're kidding? My Great Uncle Erasmus was a hero at the Alamo.
We're four sentences away from realizing they killed each other, right? Joe, next week, you have to go to school dressed as a hero.
Why don't you dress as Uncle Alvaro? Or Uncle Erasmus.
Ay, Jay, that's cute, but Alvaro was not only a war hero.
He was a celebrated matador, Frida Kahlo's tango instructor, two-time winner of the Bogota Herald cartoon caption contest.
No disrespect, but I don't think he was fit to shine Erasmus J.
Pritchett's boots, which, incidentally, were made by a 9-foot Texas diamondback he stomped to death while arm-wrestling Davy Crockett.
Did he kill all his clothes? He sure did.
Come upstairs.
I'll show you.
I got a ring of his with a tooth in it he punched out of a puma.
Jay does this all the time.
He disrespects our heritage and inflates his own.
I mean, I'm not buying this Uncle Erasmus guy at all.
I say we do a little digging.
Yes! We can be like Inspector Tortuga, the turtle detective in Uncle Alvaro's popular children's book.
He was always very slowly solving crimes.
Turns out Jay's Uncle Erasmus did live in Texas in the 1830s, but not much was written about him.
[Machine whirring.]
- [Sighs.]
- [Groans.]
- Gretchen.
- Manuel.
Again, I'm so sorry abou You'll have to return these within two weeks.
Unlike my phone calls! Señor.
We had to dig deeper, and since history is written by the victors Muchas gracias.
I brought my own.
Manny: Mexican sources had a bit more to say - about his actual involvement in the Alamo.
- [Gasps.]
[Camera shutter clicks.]
- Okay.
- Oh, really? You want to give away the very first Gucci hoodie - I ever bought our daughter? - Okay, "first Gucci" is why our retirement planner fired us as clients.
Also, Haley and Dylan are having twins, okay? - They really need this stuff.
- I know.
I-I-I still can't believe she's pregnant.
- Although - I know you're about to say something catty.
You're practically purring.
Wasn't Claire a bit "fun" in her 20s? You know, we have a saying back home "The crawdad don't skitter far from its crick.
" Okay, you're clutching a Dolce & Gabbana onesie decide who you are.
And, by the way, it's not like your family doesn't have a wayward streak, okay? Pam's not exactly responsible.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Could an irresponsible woman win her prison's "Most Improved Wrestler" award? Okay, let's just admit we have wild women on both sides of the family.
[Laughs.]
Oh, God.
Maybe it's good Lily wasn't saddled with those genes.
She sure wasn't.
If anything, I'm worried she acts a little young for her age.
I mean, isn't 11 a little too old for these unicorns and teddy bears and [Gasps.]
My Playgirl? Oh! Oh, God.
Where Where did she get that? I didn't even know they still made these.
Although it's heartening print media isn't completely dead.
Okay, you're getting off track.
Our daughter is looking at [whispering.]
naked men.
I know.
We're gonna have to talk to her about it.
You know, my parents never talked to me - about anything sexual.
- [Sighs.]
They just sent me to the stables when the horses were breeding, and wow, did that create some unreasonable expectations.
No way! Who told her that? She Uh-oh.
The dads have their faces on.
See you at the sleepover.
Both: Hey! So, listen, we need to talk to you about something.
We, uh We found a - a magazine in your room.
- Whoa! - [Groans.]
- There's nothing to be embarrassed about.
Oh, God, no, not at all.
You're You're going through a very exciting period of of change - and and hormones.
And And - And, um, urges.
Got it.
Solid parenting.
- See you tomorrow.
- No, no, no, no, no, no.
- No, no, no.
- Sweetheart.
Come on.
I-I-I know this is uncomfortable, but You shouldn't be ashamed about wondering or being curious about sex.
You know, the mingling of bodies can be a beautiful expression of love.
Stop! They have classes about this in school, and if you don't want me looking at magazines like that, don't leave them on the sofa! The sofa? How did - How did it get on the sofa? - I don't know.
I don't Ah, the babysitter.
Or, you know, Haley, or or Pam, or Claire.
We were just talking about how perverted they are.
Wait a minute.
This is from 1997.
And David Duchovny's on the cover.
Didn't you have a thing for David Duchovny? Why Wha I don't even know who that is.
He was on the you know, the cheesy sci-fi show, the, uh What was it? "The X-Files" or something? You know, kind of a dumbed-down "Men in Black"? They had that saying, you know? Saying was, "The truth is up there"? You know damn well it's "The truth is out there"! Don't Don't you crinkle it.
Why do you have a 20-year-old nudie mag? Agent Mulder meant a lot to me, okay? He was brooding and handsome and obsessed with an uptight yet sexy redhead.
Yeah, well, guess what.
You wouldn't have had a chance with David Duchovny because, look.
One of his turn-offs - is "dishonest people.
" - [Sighs.]
And why is it just lying around the house? I was bringing the trash bins into the garage the other day, and I noticed an old box of my stuff.
I got nostalgic, and I decided to flip through it.
- Wait, garbage day? L-Last Wednesday? - Yeah.
The day we opened the bottle of Merlot, took it back to the bedroom, and had a rather spectacular session? - Uh, was it that night? - Oh, please, it was the first time in years I'd seen your eyes roll back in your head without irony.
Well, excuse me if I am attracted to you.
Except it wasn't just me, was it? There were three of us in that bed.
I sent you a dozen roses the next day.
Apparently, I should've sent six to David Duchovny.
Oh, come on! So what? I got a little extra worked up after looking at a sexy picture.
People do it all the time.
Pepper said it's the only reason he buys Brawny paper towels.
So, I guess I'm weird for wanting to purely connect with you on an emotional level.
Know what? I'm going to the gym.
And good news, David Duchovny.
You're not gonna be alone on the sofa tonight.
Can you please hand me my iPod? You've robbed me of my dignity.
You will not also rob me of my glorious exit.
Thank you! There you go, buddy.
Now you look like a real hero.
I don't think I'm allowed to bring a knife to school.
It's not sharp at all.
And neither, apparently, are you.
I told you if we waited a few minutes he'd give us a delicious segue.
Your uncle Erasmus Pritchett was a hero at the Alamo but for the other side.
Yeah, he hid in a closet during the fighting, then stole a dress and escaped by pretending to be a prostitute.
What?! I don't believe you.
These are official church documents.
In this part, it says that he traded military secrets for rum and a new corset.
"To this day, in Nuevo Laredo, 'to Erasmus' means 'to cry facedown on the ground.
'" There's a picture of him cringing.
I can't believe I named my lizard Erasmus.
It was wartime, Joe! We can't judge a man who has lived through that kind of hell.
He spent his post-war years spreading the gospel of vegetarianism.
I have no uncle.
- Oh.
[Coughs.]
- This homeopathic remedy is really gonna help Haley with morning sickness.
- Uh-huh.
- I got the recipe from a doula I met in an Uber pool.
Well, you were right about one thing.
It does It does smell like a buffalo that was struck by lightning.
When When are you heading back up to Oregon? Oh, I'm done with that place.
Oldest story in the world.
You know, I thought I found a nice guy, then one morning, he up and tells me he's found six new women.
- Mm.
- I'm done with Bhagwans.
Coming back as Dylan's mother? Not funny, Mom.
Not funny at all! Buddy, are you sure you're okay? Trust me, I'm a nurse.
By now there'd be clear signs if I had a concursion.
- [Whoosh.]
- [Claire coughs.]
Gosh, your mom looks familiar.
She used to do a little modeling.
Recently, she had her likeness stolen for one of those "Freeze-the-Fat" billboards.
- [Gasps.]
- Dylan's Mom was the hot chick in the "Sex Kitty" music video.
- [Rock music plays.]
- Sex kitty Sexy kitty Sex kitty - Se - [Music stops.]
The songwriting isn't perfect, but this video changed everything.
- [Rock music resumes.]
- Ow! Sex kitty, se Those bikes don't live there, do they? 'Cause that is an ideal north-facing spot for a birthing tub.
I wasn't aware that Haley was considering a home birth.
Oh, I wasn't, but then Farrah really opened up my eyes to the birth-industrial complex.
You know, this room is kind of vibrating with ancient wounds.
- Let's sage the area.
- Okay.
Dylan, honey, do you think you could grab that fan and maybe de-funk the kitchen a little? Oh, my God.
Is, uh Is Dylan's mom at all familiar to you? Yes! Thank God you noticed it, too.
I can't believe that is gonna be in our life on a regular basis.
I know.
She's been driving me kind of crazy since I was a kid.
Do you know how many nights I went to bed screaming her name into a pillow? - Go on.
- [Inhales deeply.]
[Glass shatters.]
- She broke it! - No, you broke it! Girls, it's fine! Also, who are you? Oh, I get my stepdaughters once a month when my ex-wife's on rotation with the National Guard.
- Mm.
- Girls, be careful with the chinchilla, okay? You know he has a nervous bowel.
- Hi, girls! - Girls: Gammy! Gammy? The girls call you Gammy? That's funny, because I was hoping when Haley's twins came along, they might call me that.
Oh, well, that might be confusing.
- But maybe you could be something else.
- Hm.
- How about "Gaga"? - Maybe we don't have to lock anything down right now.
Oh, my God.
I love it! Hey, Gaga! [Laughs.]
- Squeaker's loose! Get him! - Aah! I'll get him! - Do you see it, Phil? - What?! No, I didn't see anything, so - Aah! - Oh! - Ooh! - I'm so sorry, D! If you weren't my hero, I'd wonder if you're doing this on purpose! Oh, my God, Dad! What's wrong with him, Mom? - Mom? - Claire? Gaga? Hey, handsome, this seat taken? Hey, what are you doing here? Well, I brought you a smoothie, although, you don't need it because you're already 100% fruity deliciousness.
Maybe I just get right to it.
Look, Mitchell, I appreciate what you're doing - No, no, listen.
- [Clears throat.]
Lily's at a sleepover tonight, so I got us a suite at Whispers Resort and Spa.
Isn't that the place, uh, Jen Aniston goes to - after her divorces? - Yes.
And I'm sorry about the silly Playgirl thing.
I-I want you to feel what I feel every day.
That you only have eyes for me.
Call me old-fashioned.
I just don't see other men.
[Alarm beeping.]
Sweetie, your your heart rate's setting off an alarm.
Why Why don't you get off that bike? Yeah, that's a good idea.
You know what? Why don't we go to the spa, see if we can get an early treatment? I love that.
Oh, smoothie.
Okay.
Hey, you're you're really sweating.
You should get a towel.
Okay, you're acting weird.
- What's going on? - Okay, look, I just Um, I'm excited about that hotel.
I mean, there's a lot of Hollywood history there.
You know, they say the Little Rascals used to have orgies there.
- Ah.
- [Knocks on window.]
Hey, Cam! I almost forgot the homemade protein bars you brought for us! Well, I'll see you next time! Yeah! Who is that? Wow, that's an interesting view.
What? It's a parking lot.
- There's a Dumpster.
- Oh, please.
Come on.
You picked this bike so you could have a front-row seat to this little peep sho Oh! Oh, my God.
That night of our "spectacular session," you had just come from the gym.
Well, I-I wonder what got your engine so revved up, huh? The truth is out there! [Taps window.]
Okay, you know what? I'm weak, okay? I can't believe you shamed me for looking at a magazine when you've been baking protein bars - for Thunder from Down Under! - Maybe that's why.
It's because I-I felt guilty about this.
Well, don't, okay? We are allowed to look at other men without feeling guilty about it.
And And if it inspires you, then go for it, because at the end of the day, I'm the one who gets to reap the rewards.
That's true.
Okay.
Look, I'm sorry.
Let's just get out of here.
Oh, now? Okay.
Oh.
Maybe I should join this gym.
No, stick to your vintage nudie mags.
This is mine.
- What's his name? - Chuck.
Oh, Chuck.
Oh, Joe, so adorable, you look like a little Uncle Alvaro! One last touch the pocket watch, permanently broken at 3:30 after it stopped a bullet shot by a very drunk and jealous Florence Nightingale.
Jay: Maybe it was sour grapes, but this guy was starting to sound like baloney.
I was sure that if I left no stone unturned, eventually, one day, I'd find some dirt on Great Uncle Alvaro.
I knew it! Simón Francisco Alvaro would go from town to town, seducing wealthy widows with made-up stories of his bravery in battle.
After frittering away their fortunes on drink and dice, he would move on, leaving his victims with nothing but a single red rose and syphilis.
Who's up for a little history lesson? - It seems - Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Do it again.
The yoke of Spanish oppression will chafe Colombian shoulders no longer! My saber thirsts for European blood! - So cute! - Bravo! He looked it up and memorized it himself.
Hey, Dad.
You know how kids tease me 'cause I'm the shortest kid in the class? Oh, don't listen to what they say! Right! Uncle Alvaro was only five feet tall and he led a whole army! I'm gonna be brave like him.
Viva Uncle Alvaro.
Jay: I enjoyed a lot of years taking pride in my great uncle.
I didn't want to rob Joe of that.
It wasn't easy biting my tongue, but I took a page from another heroic relative Lulach McPritchett proud Scottish warrior, captured by the English, tortured for months using every method imaginable, and never once giving up a single secret.
Don't look him up.
[Door opens.]
[Italian accent.]
Signora, why so sad? Let me see that big macaroni smile, ah? How did you find me? [Normal voice.]
Antonio called and said - you'd ordered a flaming Sambuca - [Sighs.]
and just watched it burn.
Mm-hmm.
It's all just going too fast.
Five months ago, Haley got back together with Dylan.
Then my mom dies.
Then Haley's pregnant.
Then it's twins.
Then, "Come move in with us this summer" turns into "Ding-dong, we're here with an early preview of twins and an incontinent chinchilla, and, in the most terrifying return since Freddy Krueger sashayed his way back onto Elm Street, my mother reincarnated into the body of Farrah.
" - [Exhales deeply.]
- Oh How How are you handling this all so well? Who says I am? I had to get out of there, or I was gonna make Haley a single mom.
I hit Dylan again, Claire.
- But not on purpose.
- Are we sure? You mean, like, you might have some buried anger towards him stealing away your baby girl? Oh, I so want it to be on purpose.
Gets lonely out here on crazy island.
[Chuckles.]
Oh, well, we still have Italy.
Do we? Listen, I've been doing some research on twins, and it seems that, like our daughter, they they tend to come early.
Even if it's a 1-in-10 chance, I can't risk having the only maternal figure present be that tub-birthing Wiccan.
I got to be there for Haley.
It's overwhelming for sure, but haven't a ton of our best memories come from the anarchy of our house? Like when Luke got his head stuck in the banister? - Which time? - [Chuckles, snorts.]
Or when when Alex's science fair project blacked out the whole neighborhood - during the Super Bowl? - [Laughs.]
Or when, uh, Haley snuck in Luke's window - the same week we bought him a slingshot? - Oh, God.
That was Mm.
So, it's a-a madhouse, but on the other hand, we're gonna have a couple babies in the house, and they'll be Haley and Dylan's.
- Mm-hmm.
- So they'll be doing funny stuff.
So looks like we are going on a trip? - Gretchen.
- Manuel.
Look, I really am sorry about the way things ended That chapter is closed.
We have a strictly business relationship now.
Did you enjoy this book, or did you find your eyes drifting toward a shorter Jewish one? Okay, Shoshana and I are over.
It was beyond hurtful that you found a woman whose name has two "shhh" sounds in it.
Clearly, you're still upset and there's no hope for reconciliation, so I'll just say goodbye and hope you'll allow me to play myself off with our song.
["Sex Kitty" plays.]
Oh, yeah Ow!
I can't believe after all those nights at Fratelli's talking about going to Italy, it's actually happening.
[Italian accent.]
Ohh, American lady! Why do you do this to me? Don't make me practice my slap on you again.
Mm.
- [Music plays.]
- [Normal voice.]
What's that? Oh, I'm on hold.
I'm booking us into a converted castle in Tuscany - for our anniversary.
- Does it have a moat? I've been working on all of our receipts for taxes.
Looks like we're getting a refund, which means that we can afford to To pay the dwarf who will lower the drawbridge if we answer his riddles three? I'm gonna nip this in the bud.
No moat.
This trip was such a great idea.
- Oh, I know.
- Ah.
Mwah! - Things are gonna be so hectic here this summer.
- Mm-hmm.
It's weird to think people will be calling us - Grandpa and - No, please don't say it.
Don't say that word.
It makes me feel so old.
But I have thought about what I want them to call me.
- Gammy.
- Gammy.
Well, let's take her for a spin.
"Hey, everyone, Gammy's here!" "Sorry, guys, not today, Gammy's in a mood.
" - Yeah, it does.
It works.
- Mm.
Yeah.
- Hey, roomies.
- Hey "Roomies"? What is with all the boxes and the bags? Well, I know we said we'd move in when the babies come, but then we thought about all the money we'd save.
- Mucho dinero.
- Mm.
- Yes.
- You look mad.
I should've told you.
I was afraid to tell you.
I didn't think that I could handle the disappointment [voice breaking.]
if you weren't happy about it.
But you're not unhappy about it, right? - Right?! - Oh, honey.
Oh, honey.
Oh, my gosh, you're the best.
I love you so much.
- [Chuckles.]
- [Inhales deeply.]
Wow! What a journey.
What is my life gonna be like when I'm in the hormonal stage? Oh, wait, there was one more thing, um Woman: Hey, where should I put these boxes? My mom surprised us.
We were hoping she could stay a couple days.
Hello, hello! Well, it's about time we officially met, considering our DNA is already swirling around - in Haley's womb.
- [Chuckles.]
Phil.
- Oh, hey.
- Mwah.
- Claire.
- Oh, hi.
[Smooches.]
- I'm Farrah.
- Hi, Farrah.
- You look so familiar.
- Well, I meet a lot of people with my work in the protest movement.
Oh, did you participate in the Ivory is Murder Fun Run? - Not that I recall.
- Sweetheart, why don't you show Farrah - where she will be sleeping.
- Oh, no, I just need two weight-bearing hooks spaced seven feet apart.
This kimono converts to a hammock.
Ah.
- Travel agent: Pronto! - Italy! - They answered! Where's the phone? - Oh! Oh, no, no, no.
- Where's the phone? - I got it, right here.
- You got it? Get it.
- Yeah.
Oh! Oh! Oh, buddy, I'm so sorry.
- Let me get you some ice.
- Damn it! No, no, don't worry.
I brought magnets.
Is that the way she treats all head injuries? Because I've got a theory.
I want to give these old toys to Haley's babies.
Oh, Joe, that's so sweet! Now I have room in the closet for my lizard.
Lizard? I thought that you were just going to the pet shop to look.
I can't say no to that face.
You're gonna have to be bad cop 'til puberty, you know, when the Pritchett Adam's apple and fuzz-stache show up.
Manny, you should also give something for the twins.
You both are gonna be uncles.
That's a very proud tradition in our family.
That's right, Joe.
Our great-great Uncle Alvaro was a famous South American freedom fighter.
You're kidding? My Great Uncle Erasmus was a hero at the Alamo.
We're four sentences away from realizing they killed each other, right? Joe, next week, you have to go to school dressed as a hero.
Why don't you dress as Uncle Alvaro? Or Uncle Erasmus.
Ay, Jay, that's cute, but Alvaro was not only a war hero.
He was a celebrated matador, Frida Kahlo's tango instructor, two-time winner of the Bogota Herald cartoon caption contest.
No disrespect, but I don't think he was fit to shine Erasmus J.
Pritchett's boots, which, incidentally, were made by a 9-foot Texas diamondback he stomped to death while arm-wrestling Davy Crockett.
Did he kill all his clothes? He sure did.
Come upstairs.
I'll show you.
I got a ring of his with a tooth in it he punched out of a puma.
Jay does this all the time.
He disrespects our heritage and inflates his own.
I mean, I'm not buying this Uncle Erasmus guy at all.
I say we do a little digging.
Yes! We can be like Inspector Tortuga, the turtle detective in Uncle Alvaro's popular children's book.
He was always very slowly solving crimes.
Turns out Jay's Uncle Erasmus did live in Texas in the 1830s, but not much was written about him.
[Machine whirring.]
- [Sighs.]
- [Groans.]
- Gretchen.
- Manuel.
Again, I'm so sorry abou You'll have to return these within two weeks.
Unlike my phone calls! Señor.
We had to dig deeper, and since history is written by the victors Muchas gracias.
I brought my own.
Manny: Mexican sources had a bit more to say - about his actual involvement in the Alamo.
- [Gasps.]
[Camera shutter clicks.]
- Okay.
- Oh, really? You want to give away the very first Gucci hoodie - I ever bought our daughter? - Okay, "first Gucci" is why our retirement planner fired us as clients.
Also, Haley and Dylan are having twins, okay? - They really need this stuff.
- I know.
I-I-I still can't believe she's pregnant.
- Although - I know you're about to say something catty.
You're practically purring.
Wasn't Claire a bit "fun" in her 20s? You know, we have a saying back home "The crawdad don't skitter far from its crick.
" Okay, you're clutching a Dolce & Gabbana onesie decide who you are.
And, by the way, it's not like your family doesn't have a wayward streak, okay? Pam's not exactly responsible.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Could an irresponsible woman win her prison's "Most Improved Wrestler" award? Okay, let's just admit we have wild women on both sides of the family.
[Laughs.]
Oh, God.
Maybe it's good Lily wasn't saddled with those genes.
She sure wasn't.
If anything, I'm worried she acts a little young for her age.
I mean, isn't 11 a little too old for these unicorns and teddy bears and [Gasps.]
My Playgirl? Oh! Oh, God.
Where Where did she get that? I didn't even know they still made these.
Although it's heartening print media isn't completely dead.
Okay, you're getting off track.
Our daughter is looking at [whispering.]
naked men.
I know.
We're gonna have to talk to her about it.
You know, my parents never talked to me - about anything sexual.
- [Sighs.]
They just sent me to the stables when the horses were breeding, and wow, did that create some unreasonable expectations.
No way! Who told her that? She Uh-oh.
The dads have their faces on.
See you at the sleepover.
Both: Hey! So, listen, we need to talk to you about something.
We, uh We found a - a magazine in your room.
- Whoa! - [Groans.]
- There's nothing to be embarrassed about.
Oh, God, no, not at all.
You're You're going through a very exciting period of of change - and and hormones.
And And - And, um, urges.
Got it.
Solid parenting.
- See you tomorrow.
- No, no, no, no, no, no.
- No, no, no.
- Sweetheart.
Come on.
I-I-I know this is uncomfortable, but You shouldn't be ashamed about wondering or being curious about sex.
You know, the mingling of bodies can be a beautiful expression of love.
Stop! They have classes about this in school, and if you don't want me looking at magazines like that, don't leave them on the sofa! The sofa? How did - How did it get on the sofa? - I don't know.
I don't Ah, the babysitter.
Or, you know, Haley, or or Pam, or Claire.
We were just talking about how perverted they are.
Wait a minute.
This is from 1997.
And David Duchovny's on the cover.
Didn't you have a thing for David Duchovny? Why Wha I don't even know who that is.
He was on the you know, the cheesy sci-fi show, the, uh What was it? "The X-Files" or something? You know, kind of a dumbed-down "Men in Black"? They had that saying, you know? Saying was, "The truth is up there"? You know damn well it's "The truth is out there"! Don't Don't you crinkle it.
Why do you have a 20-year-old nudie mag? Agent Mulder meant a lot to me, okay? He was brooding and handsome and obsessed with an uptight yet sexy redhead.
Yeah, well, guess what.
You wouldn't have had a chance with David Duchovny because, look.
One of his turn-offs - is "dishonest people.
" - [Sighs.]
And why is it just lying around the house? I was bringing the trash bins into the garage the other day, and I noticed an old box of my stuff.
I got nostalgic, and I decided to flip through it.
- Wait, garbage day? L-Last Wednesday? - Yeah.
The day we opened the bottle of Merlot, took it back to the bedroom, and had a rather spectacular session? - Uh, was it that night? - Oh, please, it was the first time in years I'd seen your eyes roll back in your head without irony.
Well, excuse me if I am attracted to you.
Except it wasn't just me, was it? There were three of us in that bed.
I sent you a dozen roses the next day.
Apparently, I should've sent six to David Duchovny.
Oh, come on! So what? I got a little extra worked up after looking at a sexy picture.
People do it all the time.
Pepper said it's the only reason he buys Brawny paper towels.
So, I guess I'm weird for wanting to purely connect with you on an emotional level.
Know what? I'm going to the gym.
And good news, David Duchovny.
You're not gonna be alone on the sofa tonight.
Can you please hand me my iPod? You've robbed me of my dignity.
You will not also rob me of my glorious exit.
Thank you! There you go, buddy.
Now you look like a real hero.
I don't think I'm allowed to bring a knife to school.
It's not sharp at all.
And neither, apparently, are you.
I told you if we waited a few minutes he'd give us a delicious segue.
Your uncle Erasmus Pritchett was a hero at the Alamo but for the other side.
Yeah, he hid in a closet during the fighting, then stole a dress and escaped by pretending to be a prostitute.
What?! I don't believe you.
These are official church documents.
In this part, it says that he traded military secrets for rum and a new corset.
"To this day, in Nuevo Laredo, 'to Erasmus' means 'to cry facedown on the ground.
'" There's a picture of him cringing.
I can't believe I named my lizard Erasmus.
It was wartime, Joe! We can't judge a man who has lived through that kind of hell.
He spent his post-war years spreading the gospel of vegetarianism.
I have no uncle.
- Oh.
[Coughs.]
- This homeopathic remedy is really gonna help Haley with morning sickness.
- Uh-huh.
- I got the recipe from a doula I met in an Uber pool.
Well, you were right about one thing.
It does It does smell like a buffalo that was struck by lightning.
When When are you heading back up to Oregon? Oh, I'm done with that place.
Oldest story in the world.
You know, I thought I found a nice guy, then one morning, he up and tells me he's found six new women.
- Mm.
- I'm done with Bhagwans.
Coming back as Dylan's mother? Not funny, Mom.
Not funny at all! Buddy, are you sure you're okay? Trust me, I'm a nurse.
By now there'd be clear signs if I had a concursion.
- [Whoosh.]
- [Claire coughs.]
Gosh, your mom looks familiar.
She used to do a little modeling.
Recently, she had her likeness stolen for one of those "Freeze-the-Fat" billboards.
- [Gasps.]
- Dylan's Mom was the hot chick in the "Sex Kitty" music video.
- [Rock music plays.]
- Sex kitty Sexy kitty Sex kitty - Se - [Music stops.]
The songwriting isn't perfect, but this video changed everything.
- [Rock music resumes.]
- Ow! Sex kitty, se Those bikes don't live there, do they? 'Cause that is an ideal north-facing spot for a birthing tub.
I wasn't aware that Haley was considering a home birth.
Oh, I wasn't, but then Farrah really opened up my eyes to the birth-industrial complex.
You know, this room is kind of vibrating with ancient wounds.
- Let's sage the area.
- Okay.
Dylan, honey, do you think you could grab that fan and maybe de-funk the kitchen a little? Oh, my God.
Is, uh Is Dylan's mom at all familiar to you? Yes! Thank God you noticed it, too.
I can't believe that is gonna be in our life on a regular basis.
I know.
She's been driving me kind of crazy since I was a kid.
Do you know how many nights I went to bed screaming her name into a pillow? - Go on.
- [Inhales deeply.]
[Glass shatters.]
- She broke it! - No, you broke it! Girls, it's fine! Also, who are you? Oh, I get my stepdaughters once a month when my ex-wife's on rotation with the National Guard.
- Mm.
- Girls, be careful with the chinchilla, okay? You know he has a nervous bowel.
- Hi, girls! - Girls: Gammy! Gammy? The girls call you Gammy? That's funny, because I was hoping when Haley's twins came along, they might call me that.
Oh, well, that might be confusing.
- But maybe you could be something else.
- Hm.
- How about "Gaga"? - Maybe we don't have to lock anything down right now.
Oh, my God.
I love it! Hey, Gaga! [Laughs.]
- Squeaker's loose! Get him! - Aah! I'll get him! - Do you see it, Phil? - What?! No, I didn't see anything, so - Aah! - Oh! - Ooh! - I'm so sorry, D! If you weren't my hero, I'd wonder if you're doing this on purpose! Oh, my God, Dad! What's wrong with him, Mom? - Mom? - Claire? Gaga? Hey, handsome, this seat taken? Hey, what are you doing here? Well, I brought you a smoothie, although, you don't need it because you're already 100% fruity deliciousness.
Maybe I just get right to it.
Look, Mitchell, I appreciate what you're doing - No, no, listen.
- [Clears throat.]
Lily's at a sleepover tonight, so I got us a suite at Whispers Resort and Spa.
Isn't that the place, uh, Jen Aniston goes to - after her divorces? - Yes.
And I'm sorry about the silly Playgirl thing.
I-I want you to feel what I feel every day.
That you only have eyes for me.
Call me old-fashioned.
I just don't see other men.
[Alarm beeping.]
Sweetie, your your heart rate's setting off an alarm.
Why Why don't you get off that bike? Yeah, that's a good idea.
You know what? Why don't we go to the spa, see if we can get an early treatment? I love that.
Oh, smoothie.
Okay.
Hey, you're you're really sweating.
You should get a towel.
Okay, you're acting weird.
- What's going on? - Okay, look, I just Um, I'm excited about that hotel.
I mean, there's a lot of Hollywood history there.
You know, they say the Little Rascals used to have orgies there.
- Ah.
- [Knocks on window.]
Hey, Cam! I almost forgot the homemade protein bars you brought for us! Well, I'll see you next time! Yeah! Who is that? Wow, that's an interesting view.
What? It's a parking lot.
- There's a Dumpster.
- Oh, please.
Come on.
You picked this bike so you could have a front-row seat to this little peep sho Oh! Oh, my God.
That night of our "spectacular session," you had just come from the gym.
Well, I-I wonder what got your engine so revved up, huh? The truth is out there! [Taps window.]
Okay, you know what? I'm weak, okay? I can't believe you shamed me for looking at a magazine when you've been baking protein bars - for Thunder from Down Under! - Maybe that's why.
It's because I-I felt guilty about this.
Well, don't, okay? We are allowed to look at other men without feeling guilty about it.
And And if it inspires you, then go for it, because at the end of the day, I'm the one who gets to reap the rewards.
That's true.
Okay.
Look, I'm sorry.
Let's just get out of here.
Oh, now? Okay.
Oh.
Maybe I should join this gym.
No, stick to your vintage nudie mags.
This is mine.
- What's his name? - Chuck.
Oh, Chuck.
Oh, Joe, so adorable, you look like a little Uncle Alvaro! One last touch the pocket watch, permanently broken at 3:30 after it stopped a bullet shot by a very drunk and jealous Florence Nightingale.
Jay: Maybe it was sour grapes, but this guy was starting to sound like baloney.
I was sure that if I left no stone unturned, eventually, one day, I'd find some dirt on Great Uncle Alvaro.
I knew it! Simón Francisco Alvaro would go from town to town, seducing wealthy widows with made-up stories of his bravery in battle.
After frittering away their fortunes on drink and dice, he would move on, leaving his victims with nothing but a single red rose and syphilis.
Who's up for a little history lesson? - It seems - Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Do it again.
The yoke of Spanish oppression will chafe Colombian shoulders no longer! My saber thirsts for European blood! - So cute! - Bravo! He looked it up and memorized it himself.
Hey, Dad.
You know how kids tease me 'cause I'm the shortest kid in the class? Oh, don't listen to what they say! Right! Uncle Alvaro was only five feet tall and he led a whole army! I'm gonna be brave like him.
Viva Uncle Alvaro.
Jay: I enjoyed a lot of years taking pride in my great uncle.
I didn't want to rob Joe of that.
It wasn't easy biting my tongue, but I took a page from another heroic relative Lulach McPritchett proud Scottish warrior, captured by the English, tortured for months using every method imaginable, and never once giving up a single secret.
Don't look him up.
[Door opens.]
[Italian accent.]
Signora, why so sad? Let me see that big macaroni smile, ah? How did you find me? [Normal voice.]
Antonio called and said - you'd ordered a flaming Sambuca - [Sighs.]
and just watched it burn.
Mm-hmm.
It's all just going too fast.
Five months ago, Haley got back together with Dylan.
Then my mom dies.
Then Haley's pregnant.
Then it's twins.
Then, "Come move in with us this summer" turns into "Ding-dong, we're here with an early preview of twins and an incontinent chinchilla, and, in the most terrifying return since Freddy Krueger sashayed his way back onto Elm Street, my mother reincarnated into the body of Farrah.
" - [Exhales deeply.]
- Oh How How are you handling this all so well? Who says I am? I had to get out of there, or I was gonna make Haley a single mom.
I hit Dylan again, Claire.
- But not on purpose.
- Are we sure? You mean, like, you might have some buried anger towards him stealing away your baby girl? Oh, I so want it to be on purpose.
Gets lonely out here on crazy island.
[Chuckles.]
Oh, well, we still have Italy.
Do we? Listen, I've been doing some research on twins, and it seems that, like our daughter, they they tend to come early.
Even if it's a 1-in-10 chance, I can't risk having the only maternal figure present be that tub-birthing Wiccan.
I got to be there for Haley.
It's overwhelming for sure, but haven't a ton of our best memories come from the anarchy of our house? Like when Luke got his head stuck in the banister? - Which time? - [Chuckles, snorts.]
Or when when Alex's science fair project blacked out the whole neighborhood - during the Super Bowl? - [Laughs.]
Or when, uh, Haley snuck in Luke's window - the same week we bought him a slingshot? - Oh, God.
That was Mm.
So, it's a-a madhouse, but on the other hand, we're gonna have a couple babies in the house, and they'll be Haley and Dylan's.
- Mm-hmm.
- So they'll be doing funny stuff.
So looks like we are going on a trip? - Gretchen.
- Manuel.
Look, I really am sorry about the way things ended That chapter is closed.
We have a strictly business relationship now.
Did you enjoy this book, or did you find your eyes drifting toward a shorter Jewish one? Okay, Shoshana and I are over.
It was beyond hurtful that you found a woman whose name has two "shhh" sounds in it.
Clearly, you're still upset and there's no hope for reconciliation, so I'll just say goodbye and hope you'll allow me to play myself off with our song.
["Sex Kitty" plays.]
Oh, yeah Ow!