Family Guy s10e13 Episode Script

It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a Fam ily Guy! Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker, and the reason I'm wearing this mask is because we've got a Make-A-Wish kid in the studio tonight, who, as you'll find out as the show goes on, is quite a cougher.
In local news, Mayor West signed a bill today See? That's-that's what I was talking about.
Are we gonna get that, or are we gonna wait for commercial? No, no, you have to spray it.
You can't just wipe look, you know what? Let's just throw the whole camera out.
Okay, Joyce, you talk now.
- I-I don't even want to open my mouth.
- You know, Tom, I haven't seen you in a mask since you went George P.
Wilbur.
Oh-ho-ho, Joyce, you know we don't talk about that on the air.
Oh, my God! Did she did she just say that George P.
Wilbur was Tom Tucker's stage name? Who the hell is George P.
Wilbur? That's the guy who played Michael Myers in Halloween 4, the greatest movie of all time.
I've only seen that movie about a thousand times.
How could I not have noticed that? Good evening.
I'm Michael Myers.
I have enormous psychological problems, and I'm going to take them out on you.
It is him.
I can't believe it.
I mean, that's, like, my favorite movie ever! I thought The Flintstones your favorite movie.
No, that's my favorite period piece.
Well, that and Good Night and Good Luck.
Even though I was tricked into leaving early.
Good night and good luck.
And good night and good luck to you, sir.
Oh, hi, Chris.
How was school? It was great.
I met a girl, Mom! That's wonderful, honey.
Yeah, her name is Lindsey, like the state.
- Is she nice? - Yeah, she's really nice and super pretty, And her bicycle seat smells like strawberries.
Oh.
Okay.
I'm gonna go upstairs and alternate between hopeful excitement and suicidal pessimism! Got to get the energy up.
Found it.
Hey, uh, excuse me, Mr.
Tucker.
- You got a second? - Oh, hello, Peter.
Sure, come on in.
Thanks.
Um, hey, listen, you were the guy that who played Michael Myers in Halloween 4, and I just want to say, brilliant performance ever in the history of everything, and I wanted to see if you would sign my DVD.
Oh, I suppose.
Thanks.
Hey, so, what happened? How come you never did any more movies? Well, I tried to make a career out there in Hollywood, but I just didn't realize how tough acting is.
Well, you know what they say "Tough actin' Tinactin.
" I wish I'd known that then.
You see, life after Halloween 4wasn't exactly smooth sailing.
Once I stepped out from behind that mask, Hollywood gave me the cold shoulder.
The work I did manage to get was usually just bit parts that didn't last too long.
Like the role of Denise's boyfriend on The Cosby Show.
It's nice to meet you, Martin.
Thank you, Mrs.
Huxtable.
So, if you guys are a family, why are none of you the same shade of black? I was also coked out of my skull most of the time.
But whatever the case, I was done.
I left Hollywood, moved back to my hometown of Quahog, and wound up working here as a news anchor.
Wow.
Well, don't you miss it? Every second of every day, but I can't touch coke again.
It would ruin my life.
No, I mean acting.
Oh.
Of course.
But it's over for me.
That's all in the past.
Well, if you ask me, you got the makings of a star.
- And I want to help you get there.
- Well, that's a nice offer, but I'm not quite sure how you expect to do that.
Well, you've brought me so much joy over the years as that lovable murderer of teenagers, and I want to return the favor.
I don't even have an agent anymore.
Well, then how about this? I'll be your agent.
- You? - Yeah, I've seen every episode of Entourage.
All you need is some fake hair and a bunch of Hobbits hanging around you.
You're on in five minutes, Mr.
Tucker.
You don't belong here.
You're better than this.
You're Halloween 4better.
Look, I appreciate your offer, but I've got a pretty good thing going here.
In a few minutes, I've got to be on camera in front of800people.
Good evening, Quahog.
I'm Tom Tucker.
The Rhode Island Historical Society is heralding the arrival of a cast-iron, oak-handled Colonial bed sheet warmer, now on display in the Statehouse Rotunda.
Okay, there it is.
As I understand it, they would put the coal inside of that, and then put the object between the sheets.
It was very cold back then.
And it would warm the sheets.
And I-I think that's the gist of it.
How much footage of this do we have? Oh-oh, this is live.
This Can-can she hear me? Okay, you can put it down now.
You She can't hear me.
Okay.
What the hell is going on here? Is it is itAm I having a stroke? Wait, Peter! Don't go! So, you changed your mind, huh, buddy? We going to Hollywood? You betcha.
But I have to say, - I thought you'd drive a fancier car.
- What? Why? Well, aren't you the Peter Griffin of Peter Griffin Cadillac? No, that's another guy.
Hi.
I'm Peter Griffin, and at Peter Griffin Cadillac, we believe in three things: Fair dealing, family, and friendship.
I've lived in Quahog my whole life.
I love it here.
And you're gonna love a Peter Griffin Cadillac.
Scumbag.
All right, Lois, remember to feed the cat, and remember to get a cat.
I still don't understand why you got to go all the way to Hollywood.
Because I know Tom Tucker could be a great actor, and I'm gonna help him make it happen.
You see, everybody needs just one person to believe in their dreams so they can spread their wings and fly.
Dad, can I have money for dance classes? Sit down, you dumpy bread loaf.
I'd pay to see you not dance.
- When will you be back? - I don't know.
But I'll be sure to be back before Chris's big dance class recital.
I believe in that boy.
I don't want to dance! You'll dance! Boy, I don't know, Peter, being back out here makes me kind of nervous.
Maybe-maybe this was all a mistake.
Don't be silly, Tom you're an actor, and this is where you belong.
Now, let's take some of this complimentary luggage and get going.
Well, so, h-how do we do this? You do nothing.
You just sit back and let your agent knock on every door in Hollywood till he gets you an acting job.
And that starts right now.
Yes? C-Can I help you? No, but I can help you.
You need to hire this man.
Oh.
Um, okay.
Well, do you have any experience handling bags? Aha! I see! Typical casting-couch stuff.
All right, kid, you want to make it in showbiz or don't you? I thought the airport was Hollywood.
Hey, Mom, I want you to meet my new girlfriend.
New girlfriend? Yeah, you remember that girl Lindsey I told you about? Well, I asked her out, and now we are dating.
Lindsey, this is my mom, my little brother Stewie, and my dog Brian.
Hey.
Oh, my God.
My goodness, look at you.
Do you even realize who you look like? Cameron Diaz, that's who.
You are gorgeous! Well, she's awful pretty I know that, Mom.
Are you kidding me? Are they not seeing this? I know, it's kind of creepy.
- It's almost like he's dating Lois.
- Yeah.
Looks like somebody's getting a little Oedipus-y.
- Can we say that? - Just did.
All right, Tom, this is totally gonna work.
All the biggest Hollywood players eat here, and we just got to make them think we're one of them.
That's why I got these old Hollywood Jew glasses.
Waiter! Oh, waiter! Yes sir.
Are you gentlemen ready to order? Yes, I will have the Big and Fancy, and my client here will have a bottle of your best steak.
- Right away, sir.
Peter, I-I'm not sure what any of this - has to do with getting me acting jobs.
- Tom, who's the agent here? - You are.
- And who is the actor? Well, I am.
- Wait, which one am I again? - The agent.
- And who's paying for dinner? - I assumed you were.
Ah, then we best load our pockets with bread and get the hell out of here.
We have to go! Not expensive enough! Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice your glasses, your poor table manners and your huge sense of entitlement.
- Are you an agent? - I am.
You've got ten seconds to dazzle me.
Go.
Well, I'm the casting director for NCIS, and we need an actor for a small role that shoots tomorrow.
This is your man.
That's great! He's got just the look we're after.
Show up here at How about that, huh, Tom? You're back in the business.
Wow, Peter, I can't believe it! Hey, don't be so surprised.
I've been pounding the pavement for you, buddy.
I even gave out all my business cards.
Call me! Call me! Call me! Call me! Call me! Call me! Call me! Ah, show business.
Oh, hi, you two.
You know, Lindsey, I just want to say how nice it is to have such a beautiful young woman in our home.
Oh, a baby.
I almost had one of you twice.
Who didn't, right? So, what are you two up to tonight? Well, we really haven't decided yet.
Eh, I'll think of something while I'm taking a chick dump in your parents' bathroom.
And I will hold your purse.
Good for Chris, huh? He picked a peach, didn't he? Lois, don't you think maybe part of the reason you like Lindsey could be because she looks so much like you? Come on, she's clearly an awful person.
And I think it's possible that your vanity has made you a little blind to that.
Oh I see what's going on here you're jealous.
Chris has a wonderful young woman in his life, and you've got nothing.
She's kind of right, Brian.
All you've got is a worn-out rope toy and that squirrel who comes by once a day to taunt you.
Hey! Hey, get out of here! This is our yard! You don't belong there! Don't you touch anything! I told you all this yesterday! To your first big TV acting job.
We now return to NCIS.
Oh, here it is.
Here comes my part.
Excuse me.
I'm looking for Ed Manzelli.
Good evening.
I'm Ed Manzelli.
What can I do for you? I'm looking for a guy who used to work here.
Name's Mario.
Got any idea where he could be? I haven't seen him in over a month.
That's the end of my line.
Your line, NCIS.
You son of a bitch, you made me feel again.
Oh, don't you go 'cause I'll go.
You know, Peter, I just want to thank you for all you've done for me.
You You are one hell of an agent.
Well, with you as a client, it's easy.
Mr.
Griffin? - Yes, Sandra? - You have a secretary? She calls herself an assistant, but yes.
What is it, Sandra? There's a man here to see you.
He says he wants to talk to you about being his agent.
Really?! Well, then, by all means, send him in! Hey, knucklebutts! James Woods?! But I I don't understand! I I thought you were dead! Well I'm not.
I don't believe you.
God, is that true? God? God, are you there? Come on, don't touch yourself.
You're God.
I-I don't get it.
Last time we saw you, Diane Simmons had just stabbed you in the back with a knife.
Yeah! How the hell did you come back to life?! Well, gentlemen, sometimes being a big Hollywood star has its advantages.
Hey, is this guy somebody? Yeah, that's James Woods! We got a celebrity here! I repeat, this is not a normal dead person! This is a celebrity! Being a famous movie star entitled me to topnotch medical care not available to the rest of society.
My body was immediately taken to a Hollywood hospital, where I was hooked up to a 17-year-old ingenue.
And in accordance with Hollywood law, her life force was infused into me, bringing me back from the dead.
What happened to the girl? I threw her out a car window at Nora Ephron.
Stop making Jack Nicholson a pansy! You're thinking of Nancy Meyers! You're the same thing! Wow.
That's amazing.
So, what do you say, Peter? Will you be my agent? I don't get it.
Why would a big shot like you want me for an agent? Because you're an up-and-comer, because you're hungry.
I am hungry.
But you put me and my family through a lot of crap over the years.
Why would I want to help you? Well, because you're my agent.
Oh, my God, you're right! I am! Hey, hold on now.
You came out here to be my agent.
Tom, relax, I can take care of you both.
You'd be surprised how much I can handle.
Peter, I need you to drop Stewie off at day care, and then shred this big stack of old bank statements.
You got it, Lois.
Is he always this quiet? So, Kevin made another attempt on his life last night.
He drank two bottles of dish soap.
Well, we have some news, too.
Chris is dating the most wonderful girl.
You know, everyone said, "Don't smoke during your pregnancy," but I think some of it rubbed off on him 'cause now he's cool.
That's nice.
Well, I should go, Lois.
Yeah, I should probably get going myself.
Oh, my God! What? What is it, Lois? That girl over there that that's Chris's girlfriend! Hey, you know, she kind of looks like you, Lois.
Maybe she'll thank me for buying the coffee.
You think she looks like me, too? Oh, my God.
I'm starting to think Brian was right.
Maybe I have been blinded by my own stupid vanity.
That girl is nothing but trouble.
Are you gonna tell Chris? I guess I'll have to, but he doesn't take bad news very well.
Oh, Chris, honey, I'm so sorry to tell you this, but your grandfather died.
All right, gentlemen.
So, what do you got for my client? Well, we're making a mediocre action film, and we think James is just the guy to do a serviceable job in a supporting role that Jeremy Irons, Jeff Goldblum, and Craig T.
Nelson have already passed on.
Well, we'd need to see a script first.
Oh, looks good.
What do you think, James? - I like it.
- Good.
I say we move on this.
All right, then, let's negotiate.
- We want everything.
- We'll give you nothing.
- We want something.
- Deal.
Ugh, not this hillbilly from Rhode Island again.
No thank you.
This is Peter Griffin, famous agent, but you can call me PG-13.
Ba-boom! Leave a message.
Hi, Peter, it's Tom.
Uh, just trying to reach you again.
And you know, about that meeting you set up with me and Heath Ledger He He never showed.
Maybe I was at the wrong Panda Express, but I Anyway, uh, call me back.
Hey, listen, thanks for inviting me to lunch, Peter.
I-I was starting to get nervous when you weren't returning my calls.
Tom, I I didn't know how to say this to you, so, here, take this piece of paper.
And you're on in four, three, two "Peter Griffin drops Tom Tucker as a client.
" You're-you're dropping me as a client? Yeah, just heard it on the news.
How could you do this?! Look, it's a whole different landscape out here since Thursday.
Everything's on computers now.
Peter, I left a very good job for this! You're the only reason I came back out here! I wish I could help you, Tom, but this is coming from upstairs.
The karate studio? Tom, I have to go now.
But if you're ever Kevin James, I want you to give me a call.
Mm.
Hello? Peter, it's me, Woodsy! I need a favor.
What?! It's, like, 2:00 a.
m.
Yeah, so listen, I'm at Chateau Marmont, I just met this and I can't decide whether to take her home or keep doing blow with Tom Sizemore and see if I can do better later in the night.
Well, okay, um Do, uh, do-do you love her? What?! Look, I'm texting you her picture.
Just tell me if you think she's hot enough.
I What is this a picture of? Is that the bottom of a white pumpkin? Is she hot or not? - I-I guess.
- Okay, good, great.
So clear out of your apartment; We're gonna be there in 15.
What?! I'm sleeping.
Why can't you bring her to your place? I don't know, man.
It's my aunt's daughter.
It's weird.
Chris, honey, there's something I want to talk to you about.
Why, sure, Mom.
Come on in.
Chris, you know your girlfriend, Lindsey? Yeah.
Well, honey, I saw her making out with another boy.
Was she kissing with her mouth, or her pants-mouth? Because she does both.
Chris, I can't believe you knew about this! That's terrible! Why would you even date a girl like that? Well, because I-I thought she'd be like you.
Like me? Well, you got to admit, Mom, she does look a lot like you.
I mean, I just look at you and Dad, you know? He's a complete train wreck, and you put up with him.
And I'm no prize myself.
So, I guess I figured if I don't find a girl just like you, I might never find anyone.
Oh, Chris.
Of course you'll find someone.
And you are a prize.
You're a handsome, kind-hearted, young man, and any girl would be lucky to have you in her life.
You really think so? Of course I do, sweetheart.
Thanks, Mom.
Now I'm gonna take the child filter off the computer, and I want you to have a fun night.
Okay, this is it, James.
I got your next project right here.
Peter, you've pitched me dozens of projects, and all of them involve me playing a hayride driver.
I don't know, I just see you doing that.
You know, this year, it's vampires, next year, it's hay.
These things go in cycles.
Peter, this is probably a good time to fire you.
- What?! - Come on, Peter, who are we kidding? You're a one-man operation.
You know me.
I need a whole crew.
I need a drugs guy, a girls guy, a fitness guy, a guy with a boat who can dump stuff way-out-there kind of guy.
But But you're my only client! Without you, I'm ruined! Well, that's show business.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to answer this fake phone call.
Hello? Grimace from McDonald's? Sorry, Peter, I got to take this.
No, I understand.
Hey, Tom.
How you doing? What do you want? James Woods fired me.
Listen, I-I been thinking.
I was a real jerk to you.
I dragged you out here, only to dump you when you needed me the most.
I guess what I'm saying is, I'm really sorry about everything.
Sorry doesn't cut it, Peter.
I quit my job, I left everything behind to come out here.
I know, but I was just trying to help.
I never wanted to let you down.
Well, I suppose your only crime is that you believed in me.
And then stopped believing in me rather abruptly.
So what do you say? You ready to go back to where we both belong? Yup.
Let's go home.
Sounds good.
Hey, check out this picture James Woods texted me.
What is that? A balloon running out of air? Yeah, see, I was hoping you would know.
It's his cousin's anus.
Good evening, Quahog.
I'm Tom Tucker.
And I'm Joyce Kinney.
Tom, I think I speak for all of us here at Channel Five News when I say it's good to have you back here at half your original salary.
Still twice yours, Joyce.
Our top story tonight: Quahog's first organic supermarket opens this weekend.
So head on down before the gays turn it into a cruising ground like they did the Barnes and Noble upstairs coffee bar, which they had to close.
Well, I'm just happy Tom got his job back.
But I'm sorry I missed meeting your girlfriend, Chris.
That's okay, Dad.
Yeah, Chris, I never asked you.
What did Lindsey say when you broke up with her? Oh, she didn't seem to mind.
I think she already moved on to someone else.
Thanks for buying me these clothes, Glenn.
You're welcome.
And you're dismissed.
Do I still get to keep the 20?