Frasier s10e13 Episode Script

F R A S I E R (10x13) - Lilith Needs a Favor - Sorry.
I'm a nervous flyer.
Yes, I see.
Oh, you're white as a sheet.
No, actually, I'm always this pale.
My ex-wife used to say she could tell when I was embarrassed because I'd turn off-white.
I can empathize.
Sometimes after a late night, I covered my under-eye circles with Liquid Paper.
-So are you traveling to Seattle for business or pleasure? -Both, hopefully.
I'm relocating for work.
How about you? I need to ask an old friend for a favor.
-It's a long trip just to ask for a favor.
-It's a big favor.
-Well I hope your friend complies.
-It'll take some work, but -I'll get what I want.
-Oh, dear.
You two look awfully pale.
-Can I bring you something? -Not unless you have any extra melanin lying around.
-You should be a comedian.
-I've thought about it.
Dad? Dad, Dad! What? Are you hiding? I heard the key in the door, I thought Lilith might be with you.
-What's she coming for anyway? -Well, I don't really know.
She said she was flying across the country to ask me about something important.
She's being very mysterious about it.
-Is that her? -Well, no.
No, Dad, I'm not seeing her until tomorrow.
Well, let me know when she's coming, will you, so I can come up with an excuse to clear out.
Because I'm not good at winging it.
Oh, Lilith.
Hi.
-Look who's here, Dad.
-Hello, Martin.
Oh, time to go practice my signature.
Please, come on in, Lilith.
-So, I didn't think I was going to be seeing you 'til tomorrow.
Yes, I know that was the plan, but I just had to stop by on my way to the hotel.
What I'm here to talk to you about is not something one just drops on another person.
Please.
Frasier, recently a subconscious yearning has tunneled its way to the surface and I now know what it is I need in order to make my life complete.
Well, that's wonderful news.
How can I help? You can give me your sperm.
I beg your pardon? -I want to have another baby.
-Well, you certainly don't need me for that.
Surely someone in Boston must have sperm.
I came to you first so that Frederick could have a full sibling.
-So, just like that we're going to have another baby together.
-Not just like that.
I mapped out our dominant and recessive traits on a genome square, applied Mendel's laws, allowed for anomalies and concluded that you are the best biological choice.
I see.
Well, as enticed as I am by your honeyed words, I'm gonna need some kissin'.
Frasier, don't misunderstand, I'm not proposing any change in our relationship.
Would we sleep together? I thought we'd freeze your sperm.
Is that a "yes" or a "no"? Natural fertilization is impractical.
I'd have to fly to Seattle -every time I ovulate.
-Right, okay.
So, then your plan is for me to visit some local doctor, -freeze my essence and then bring it home with you.
-Correct.
I'll take mine "to go".
I don't know.
I'm going to have to think about it.
Yes, of course, absolutely.
Think about it, -and you can give me your answer tomorrow.
-Okay.
You can come back from around the corner now, Martin.
-Good night, Lilith.
-Good night.
-You were eavesdropping? -By accident, and I only heard the part about her wanting to have another baby with you.
-She completely threw me.
-Well, I don't know why you're so surprised.
She's seen what the Crane genes can do and she's coming back to the well.
-How does one respond to something like that? -Well, I bet if you say "No", -she'll go to Niles.
-Really, it's just so self-centered.
I mean, she's got this all figured out for herself without the slightest consideration for my life.
And Niles'll say "No" for sure.
Which means only one thing.
She'll come to the source.
Me.
The fountainhead.
-What? -Can you imagine? Lilith's and my kid would be brother to you and Niles AND Freddie.
What are you talking about? And if you and Lilith got back together, you'd be his step-father and his brother and Niles would be your son and his own uncle.
It's almost worth doing just so that I can tell the story.
-Oh, hi, Niles.
Did Daphne and her mom get off okay? -Yes.
They picked up Roz and Alice an hour ago.
Although, how they're going to get all the way to Canada without killing each other, I don't know.
-Why did they have to go so far? -Well, that was my idea.
I read that Canadian Fun Country is one of the best amusement parks in southeastern British Columbia.
Well, I'm just saying Daphne's mom should be careful, you know.
If you're here on a temporary visa, you know sometimes people have a hard time getting back into the country.
That hadn't occurred to me, Frasier.
Well, seeing as how you're single, I'd invite you to join me for dinner, but I'm meeting with Lilith tonight -on a matter of some delicacy.
-Dad told me.
Now listen, don't feel obligated because she's buying you dinner.
Truth be told, Niles, I hadn't ruled it out entirely.
It would be nice to have another child.
And Lilith is a wonderful mother.
It's just that, well, is it right to create a human being with a woman to whom you couldn't stand being married? Well, I'm behind you whatever decision you make, the right one or the crazy one.
-Thank you.
-Excuse me, may I have an espresso? -What have you got here? -Oh, some snapshots from last summer at the beach.
Daphne finally got them developed.
Oh, there's Dad eating that hot dog he dropped in the sand.
-And you, in your linen beach ensemble.
-Very nice, yes.
Well that's strange.
Daphne said I'd particularly like the last picture It's hard to tell, it's too dark and blurry.
-Looks like the eye of Jupiter.
-Or a slice of pepperoni.
-Is it a flying saucer? -Yes, Niles, it's a flying saucer.
Mystery solved, well done.
Hey, where'd you get the nipple shot? Good lord! -You are to erase that from your mind.
-Is it Daphne? -Nice.
-You're not erasing! Erase! I need to stop again.
We just stopped.
I told you not to get that Big Gulp.
-But it was only ten cents more.
-Punch buggy blue! -Ow! Dammit! -Language! -Why does she keep doing that? -It's a game.
-It hurts.
-All right, mum.
-There's a gas station right there, I really need to stop.
-I can't get over, you'll have to wait.
But according to this, my bladder is holding "Thirsty-Two" ounces of soda.
-It's only forty miles.
-Punch buggy red.
-Oh! Son of a! -Language! -Alice, honey.
Stop hitting Mrs.
Moon.
She can't take the punch buggy game.
Oh, really? Punch buggy white! -Ow! It was a Jeep! -I play the Jeeps.
And Ford.
-Punch buggy Ford.
-Ow! All right, that's enough.
You stop it or no one's going to Canadian Fun Country.
And this time I mean it! I'm sorry.
I thought you were on the wrong side of the road.
-I will never get used to the crazy way you drive over here.
-Mum you have to stop doing that.
Daphne, you seem stressed.
-Do you want me to drive for a while? -Maybe once we get out of Seattle.
Frasier, I don't want to rush you, but the suspense is too much to bear.
Have you decided? I'm thinking about the linguini.
I see.
It's "No," then, isn't it? I'm sorry, Lilith.
This was a very difficult decision for me.
And I am touched and flattered that you came to me, but I'm not sure I'd be doing it for the right reason.
You understand, don't you? Yes, I do.
And I appreciate your taking the time to think about it.
It's that kind of consideration I was hoping to pass on to our second born.
Oh, well.
-So, the pasta is good here? -Oh, the best.
"My dad is the gweatest dad because he cooks me Cweam of Wheat" -Lilith, what are you singing? -Was I singing? You were singing "My Dad Is the Gweatest Dad.
" Oh, you mean that song Frederick wrote for you when he was four.
That video is one of my prized possessions.
Of course I haven't looked at it in some time.
I remember the night we surprised you with it.
He crawled up in your lap and said, "Why is Daddy cwying?" -I see what you're doing, you know.
-What? You are attempting to manipulate me by invoking powerful emotional memories.
I assure you, nothing could be further from the truth.
-Are you ready to order? -Yes.
I'll have the basgetti and beatmalls.
-Mmm.
Very good Miss.
-That's what our son used to say when he was three.
Excellent.
-And I'll have the veal.
-Bravo, sir.
Lilith, I'm afraid you're idealizing parenthood.
Do you remember colic, teething, changing mountains of diapers? Do you remember that time in the bath when he tried to eat the bubbles? We told him to stop, but we kept laughing, so he thought it was funny -and kept doing it.
-You know, I'd forgotten that.
-Oh, I wish we had that on video.
-You can, Frasier.
We can have those days back again.
Please, -I just need a couple of teaspoons.
-Lilith! Just think about what Frederick has meant in our lives.
-I think about it every day.
-Frasier, we're always seeking ways we can leave a legacy.
Well, forget my research and your work, this is it! What better gift can we bestow on the world but another person as wonderful as Frederick? Excuse me, I've changed my mind.
I've decided that I too will have the basgetti and beatmalls.
Thank you.
Gosh, that coffee smells so good.
-Lilith won't let me have any caffeine until I've made my little donation.
-Of course.
-So, have you heard from Daphne? -No, we keep missing each other.
I'm just glad I have our little pictorial memento to keep me company.
I can't believe you're so taken with that blurry, over-exposed photo of a of what you first mistook to be a flying saucer! I just think it's sexy that she even did it.
Just imagine it: she saw that there was one picture left on the roll, and in a spontaneous moment of brazen exhibitionism, she threw open her blouse and didn't even bother to adjust the f-stop.
Yes indeed, I am married to one spicy meatball.
Good lord! Don't tell me you carry it around with you.
Well, I didn't want the housekeeper to find it and think we were pornographers.
.
Just fill out these forms and I can show you to one of our donation suites.
-Will this be your first? -No, I've been doing this since I was 12.
You mean baby.
No, no, this is our second.
We've got number four on the way.
-And we're thrilled for you, but perhaps we could chat some other time when we're not trying to create life.
-Sign and date.
-Right.
This process can be hard on a relationship, but she'll relax and things'll get better.
-We're already divorced.
-Good, 'cause she'll never change.
-Up and at 'em.
-Follow me, sir.
-Just go in and make yourself comfortable.
You'll find everything you need in the cabinet.
-Thank you.
Oh, wait Frasier.
It probably doesn't matter, but try to think positive thoughts.
Thanks for that.
I was going to think about the plight of the American Indian.
I'm just saying we should put the welfare of the sample first.
Yes? And don't fall asleep afterwards, I want to get these puppies on ice ASAP.
Goodbye now.
-Just a hint -Lilith! If there is ONE thing I can do BY MYSELF, this is it! Now go away.
Right this way.
What?! -I just remembered a special method which supposedly increases the likelihood of having a boy.
-I see.
Is there something I can do to increase the likelihood that we won't have a meddling control freak? No, but perhaps you can use a method that will give us a baby that can take other people's advice.
-I would settle for a method where it won't turn out to be a sarcastic prig! -Oh, just do it! -Fine! -Wait, I don't want you to do it when you're mad.
Why don't we just take a minute to sit down and breathe? It's your dime.
Oh, dear God.
What if this child inherits all of our flaws instead of our strengths? -We could create a real nightmare.
-That's not going to happen.
It's going to be exactly the way it was the first time.
Is that what's going on here? Are we trying to create a baby or just trying to recreate the past? I mean, Frederick's almost grown now, -it's only natural to feel a sense of loss.
-Frasier, -don't be simplistic.
-No, Lilith, I know what you're going through.
You want to feel needed and loved as you were when you were a new mother.
The past can be very seductive.
I mean, I've fallen into it too: I'm trying to relive Freddie's childhood.
You can't use the past to fill what's missing in the present.
It's gone.
Frasier, I've done a lot of thinking and this feels right to me.
But it's not right for me.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry too.
-You all right? -I'm fine.
If I can't make anther little Frederick with you, there's always cloning.
-And you still don't know when I'm joking.
-I, well, I Lilith, what are you going to do now? Well, I'm going to go home and give Frederick a very big hug.
-And maybe swab the inside of his cheek.
-Oh, stop that! Oh, you already ate.
I was gonna take you to Bogart's.
-Bogart's? Oh, don't worry about that, I was just eatin' it because it was here.
I wasn't eatin' it to get full.
Just give me two minutes.
-Hello? -Oh, Niles, darling.
! -Daphne! I thought I'd never reach you.
! We were booted from the park and are coming home.
It seems someone put out a cigarette on a stuffed moose.
I didn't know it was stuffed, I was defending myself.
I loved those pictures you left for me.
.
More specifically, -the last one.
-Something a little different, eh?.
Indeed it is.
I can't even believe you took it.
-I didn't take it, your father did.
-No, I don't think so.
I'm talking about the last picture on the roll, the close-up.
Yeah You're father was trying to get a picture of Eddy, but instead he got a picture of his own chest.
-This is Dad's? -That's his nipple.
Oh, I can't wait to get to Bogart's.
I know just what I'm going to get: the barbecue chicken breast.
They have the juiciest one in town.
Or, or the lamb.
They serve an enormous rack.
-Great.
-You might want to get an overcoat of Frasier's out of there.
It's supposed to be pretty nippy tonight.
-Oh, hi Dad.
Where are you going? -Oh, Niles is here.
-We're just going out for a bite.
You want to join us? -Sure.
So, how's Lilith? I just dropped her off at the airport.
She's disappointed, but -she knows that we're doing the right thing.
-Well, for what it's worth, I think you are too, son.
Thanks, Dad.
I just hope she finds what's missing in her life.
Hey, pasty.
-Oh, hello.
-May I? -Yes, certainly.
What happened? I thought you were relocating to Seattle.
Oh, it wasn't a fit.
I'm going back to Boston.
I don't know, call me neurotic, I just can't work in a lab that's not immaculate.
-You work in a lab? -Mm-hmm.
I'm a physicist.
-Really? My name's Lilith.
Ah, the demon-goddess.
Are you like the independent fireball that was your predecessor? I make her look like a vacillating cream puff.
Albert.
What happened with your friend? Did you get your favor? It's a long story.
Well, it's, it's a long flight.