Modern Family s10e13 Episode Script
Whanex?
1 Welcome.
Most of you know me as Acting Vice Principal Tucker, but today I am your guide to the future the future the future.
Okay, so you didn't take my note on the echo.
Mitchell, I can't take another negative voice in my head.
I'm already freaking out about Principal Brown.
I kind of have a bully at school.
You gonna eat all that? I-I guess not.
Okay.
Saw your plans for the seminar tomorrow.
Oh, you like it? Y-You know, I think the kids will really benefit from hearing from four graduates that have taken such different paths.
I've got traditional college, gap year Wrong! We're pushing one path here college.
Well, yeah, but college isn't necessarily the right path for every Tucker, are you familiar with the term "Golden Apple"? I am.
I'm a little surprised it's made its way into the straight vernacular.
It's still illegal in Alabama.
No, no, no, Golden Apple status is awarded to schools that reach a minimum of 60% college acceptance.
If we dip below that, I'm back to teaching night school.
If you think the lunch ladies are mean, you should meet the dinner ladies.
Yeah, but what about the students that Play ball, Acting Vice Principal Tucker, and you might just find yourself Vice principal? Mm-hmm.
I just don't know if I can preach something that I don't believe.
- Ha! Play ball.
- Seems like a thing no one was saying, and now everyone is.
You know what I'm doing right now? I'm making 100 cupcakes because the D.
A.
lost his caterer for his kid's party and asked if I could help out.
But if it puts me, uh, higher up on his radar, then so be it.
I'm just saying sometimes you need to compromise to to get ahead.
Maybe it's our time now.
Ooh, I like that.
Hey, world, there's a new power couple on the horizon.
Yeah.
Cam and Mitch.
Citch No, that sounds weird.
Mam We'll find it.
Hey, Dad, our video conference is about to start.
Can we make it fast? I have that sales meeting offsite.
Hence the power threads and box of cigars.
Whoa! Dad, it's 10:00 in the morning.
- Mm.
- Ohh! I don't swallow it.
He smells it on my breath, he lets his guard down.
In 20 minutes, I'm taking him in a way that would make a prison guard blush.
It's the way gentlemen do business.
Well, I am sorry to ruin your Glengarry, Glenlivet fun, but that meeting got canceled.
What? I was looking forward to it.
Nick took care of it by Skype this morning.
Log on.
Our meeting's about to start.
Okay, let's begin.
So, Nick, where are we with the interactive closet with the voice prompts? Here's a demo.
Went with a Christopher Walken soundalike voice.
Forecast is chilly.
Put on some pants.
I think we all fell in love with the idea of calling it a Walken closet, but this just isn't working.
Hey, Claire, I don't see your dad on the video conference.
Damn it! My computer's busted again.
Or your caps lock is on.
Can't we have this meeting in the conference room? You know, where we all sit around a table, there's a nice breakfast spread? I am tired of having to keep cream cheese in my desk.
Dad, you know why we do it this way.
We have people working here.
We've got people working from home.
We've got people working all over the world.
Tiffany is in Berlin at KlausetSchvarg.
They still have that conference? I thought they shut that down in the '80s after we used that sweater hutch to smuggle that dissident out during East KlausetSchvarg.
You're good.
Just talk into the camera.
Hoo! Sorry about that.
All right.
How about an update on our 3-D printing? I think everybody knows Eduardo.
Jay, have you two met? I can't see the camera! Dad, you're, uh you're kind of smushed up against it.
You might want to just step back a skosh.
Using a 3-D printer to manufacture our closets will triple revenue.
I can't hear you! Volume up, Dad.
In our first year alone What the hell?! Dad, "undo.
" Just I know! I know! Double-click.
Happy birrrthday Mr.
Closet No! No! Have your stupid meeting! I'm outta here! Margaret, I'm going to the park across the street.
I need a walk! Aah! Thank you so much for helping out with Joe.
You don't think it's too flashy? What are you talking about? You're taking a magic class.
You want to show them you're serious.
It's abracadabra, not abraca-drab-ra.
Look at that! An open casting call.
Excuse me, what is this for? We are looking for real families to be the new faces of the Glen Valley Mall.
You guys are adorable.
Want to sign up? Oh, we're not a-a real Oh, we would love to! What a cool and a spontaneous thing to do! I saw that poster last week.
It kind of reminded me of a long time ago when I used to do a little modeling.
I guess I miss it.
I tricked Phil into going to the mall because I knew that Jay wouldn't do it with me.
Oh, come on, guys.
This is gonna be so much fun.
I don't know.
This kid in my class did a cough syrup commercial.
Now he's always going to the teachers' lounge to call his manager.
He's the worst.
And I teach a real-estate class at 5:00.
I have to show up early to limber up.
Um I think that this could help a lot with Joe's self-esteem.
He's had a rough week.
You know how they treat kids that are into magic.
Oh, you tell him when he gets to high school, that all changes.
I don't like lying to him.
Look, this isn't really my thing, and I'm I'm feeling a little under the weather.
Don't Don't I look a little pale? - We will do it! - Great.
Our P.
A.
will set you up with wardrobe for some test shots.
Hey, team.
Can I get you anything? Uh, coffee? Water? Still or sparkling? Ooh, I-I'd take a sparkling.
Talent wants sparkling.
Did you hear that, Phil? They call us talent! Let's not get carried away.
We're still reg I said sparkling.
Well, looks like you're gonna get a pretty solid turnout, Tucker.
Now close the deal.
Hey, what is, uh, "whanex"? It's the way the kids say "What's next?" You know, if you want to reach them, you have to learn to speak their language.
Massive screw-up at the print shop.
I-I have no idea how it happened! Yeah, that's right.
The banner should read whanex.
Okay.
Yeah, whanex.
Uh-huh.
Welcome, students, to the first annual "whanex" seminar.
Let's, uh, just jump right into it and meet our panelists.
We have two bright, young people who chose the college path and two wayward souls whose mistakes we can only hope to learn from.
'Sup, Dolphins? Nick, I'm so sorry about my dad this morning.
- Hi.
- Please forget it.
- We've got a bigger problem.
- Hmm? We have to find a new voice for the virtual closet assistant.
We're thinking female.
Yeah, I was wondering about that myself.
Hold on a second.
Claire has a great voice commanding but alluring.
Oh, come on.
I don't know about alluring.
You're right.
You're right.
I can totally hear it.
Guys, guys you're embarrassing me.
Where have you been hiding this? Within half an hour, I had recorded all the voice prompts for the new smart-closet, and they installed it in the prototype right in the office.
Everyone seemed really happy, but I don't get it.
I mean a voice is just a voice.
Oh, good.
Dad, you're back.
Please step into our new smart-closet prototype.
So you can yell at me for bailing on the meeting this morning? Just You'll see.
Oh.
May I help choose an outfit for you? 'Cause I'm some old fossil that still puts on a suit to go to work? Let's start over.
Why don't we?! What level of comfort are you looking for? Same thing I've had for the last 40 years a workplace where you interact with actual people every once in a while, like we're doing right now.
I used to love sales calls.
Now we don't even do them anymore.
I mean, put yourself in my shoes.
Dress or casual? Why do you sound like Lauren Bacall?! I don't understand.
Right, because now, like everything, my references are old and out of step.
Why are you yelling? If you don't get it by now, you're never gonna get it! Well, somebody's panties are in a bunch.
May I offer you a different pair? That's just weird.
Ooh! Very good.
I had an hour to make 100 cupcakes for my boss's son's party, but it was all gonna be worth it.
He was gonna be so grateful, the next big promotion would be mine.
You ungrateful monster! Two sisters, two paths.
Graduation procreation.
The world on a string a baby and no ring.
Uh, you you said you were happy for me.
You said a baby would bring me limitless joy.
And a limited bank account.
Now, Manny, no one can doubt the real-world value of an art degree, but talk a little bit about the exciting social scene.
It's funny you ask I went to a wine and cheese mixer at the Dean's house the other night.
He collects instruments of indigenous people.
And by the time we killed the last bit of a chewy Zinfandel, our jam sesh started to sound like a didgeri-don't.
Thank you.
Could I please pipe in here? Yes, please.
Alex.
I genuinely appreciate the opportunity to come back here, where I had the pleasure of serving as co-valedictorian, to offer a message of hope to those oft-marginalized overachievers out there.
I see you.
Well, I can't be the only one with goose bumps in here.
Oh.
Excuse me.
Oh.
Yes, let's open it up for questions.
Right here in the front row.
Go ahead.
I still don't get "whanex.
" It sounds like my grandparents' long-distance carrier in Oregon.
Okay, okay.
You know what? I have to take this.
Uh, Luke, Haley, talk a little bit about how you still live at home with your parents.
Hey, what's up? I'm in the middle of my thing.
Flip what I said before.
Start talking up the dummies.
What? Um, I just got a text from work.
My boss gave that big case to someone else! Meanwhile, I'm still on the hook for these stupid cupcakes! M-My heart is racing, my my hands are numb.
Plus, I-I think I have a case of airborne diabetes! Wait.
Are you saying I-I should Look, if those college application numbers fall, Principal Brown, he gets fired.
Guess who's up next.
Principal Tucker.
I've never dared dream of such a thing.
More money, better parking space, plus you get to pick the prom theme.
I can finally make my Enchanted Bayou a reality.
Okay, t-talk talk soon.
What's great about art school is that a lot of the faculty work in the industry.
My film studies professor has led tours at every major studio.
All right, thank you, Manny.
And for those of you still awake, I think what we've learned here today is college, a dead end.
Okay, up next.
Philip, Gloria, and Joe.
Same setup.
Dad playing catch with his son.
Mom laying out a picnic.
So, just real natural.
Like I'm not even here.
You got it.
Maybe not so sexy.
My bad.
He was talking to Mom.
You can just lay out the food in a normal way.
Copy that.
No divas here.
Her head is doing something weird.
Can we straighten that up? Hang on, guys.
Why are they whispering? You think I look too young for you? Why? Are my crow's feet showing? I knew makeup was going too light on the concealer.
Guys, we're just mixing and matching today, so we're thinking about swapping out one of you.
No, we're a team.
You get rid of one of us, and you lose all of us.
It's the kid.
Okay.
I thought this was supposed to be for Joe.
Obviously, he's terrible at it, so how is that gonna help him with his self-esteem? Hi, I'm Tyler.
Oh, this is not good.
Tyler, don't get too comfortable.
I think we want to try something different.
- Hey, Sean, could you step up here? - Yep.
I'm so sorry, Phil.
No, we want to look at two dads.
I can't play the kid.
Looks like you're out.
Here we go.
- Sean, was it? - Yeah.
Hey.
- How are you? - Good.
Hmm.
Not feeling that chemistry.
Maybe we should kiss? We could just wait for them to tell us what to do.
Let's try Sean and a mom.
Move, Phil.
No, we meant Lydia.
All right, almost there.
Hey, Joe, hop up here for me.
Yes! That's our family.
The new faces of Glen Valley Mall.
Everyone else can go.
Thank you.
Nice working with you guys.
I have an audition across town.
For what? Do they need grownups? All right.
We heard from our college-going sheep.
Now, Luke, you wisely took a gap year, got a job, made mad stacks, and invested a little, correct? Totally.
I own 300 microrubels, a Russian cryptocurrency I heard about on Facebook, which currently, you can only use to buy a Chechen party drug called Frankenstein.
Okay, Haley, uh hot boyfriend, job, baby on the way You seem to have it all, yet you took a very different path than your older sister, Alex.
I'm younger! Oh, wow.
Okay.
I guess that's why they call studying "the new smoking.
" No one says that.
Can I add I'm sure you can, but it won't help in the real world.
Anyway, thank you all for coming.
Have a good afternoon.
Thank you.
Cam, what the hell? I learned a lot.
Tucker! I wasn't picking up a lot of Uber fares, so I came back here early and I heard the end of your little presentation.
I know what you're trying to do.
Hey, I just need to talk to him for for one second.
Hey, hey.
Guess what.
I just dropped off the cupcakes at my boss's house.
Turns out he he didn't give me the case I wanted because he had an even better one for me.
Really? T-That's amazing.
And he didn't want me to make cupcakes.
He just wanted me to recommend a new caterer.
So we had a big laugh about that.
But just goes to show, don't play games.
Do your job, and you'll be recognized.
- Yeah, but you said - No, ah! Forget what I said.
T-There's no one path to success.
I mean, that's what you should be telling these kids.
Yeah, that's what I was going to tell these kids Damn it, Tucker! I can't hold my alpha power stance this long.
My calves are starting to cramp.
- Okay, well, first of all - No, can it! Okay? You thought you could bury me by killing college applications, didn't you? Hmm? I will clean out my half of the desk that I share.
Oh, no, it's I'm so sorry.
T-This is This is my fault.
I tried to play ball at work.
There was a lot of unnecessary baking.
D The point is, I-I put these ideas into his head, so Oh.
So you're so weak and without conviction that somebody suggests some stupid idea to you and without even thinking, you just abandon all your values and fold like a cheap Chinese fan, huh? Yes, sir.
I am a worm.
That is exactly what I'm looking for.
No threat to me at all.
Well, congratulations, permanent Vice Principal Tucker.
- Really? - Yes.
Thank you! I love you! I love you, too.
Now, first order of business fix what you did here.
You are gonna give me a Golden Apple.
Hey, hey! We are in a committed relationship! No, no, no.
It's not the same thing we saw at Pepper's bachelor party.
- It's not? - No.
After fighting with everybody all day, I was starting to think maybe I was the jerk.
So I ended up back at the old office, you know, trying to figure out what it was about going to work there that I loved so much.
Congratulations.
You've been hired at Pritchett's Closets, Blinds, and Waterbeds.
I'm Jay Pritchett.
Welcome to the team.
You hear that? They're cheering for you already.
That's something we value here teamwork.
And whether you're in sales or shipping or one of those cute tomatoes in the steno pool, you're important, 'cause we're family here.
Wait a minute! Who's this new employee? It's me Claire, Daddy.
Oh, right! It's Claire! Nice hands.
Reminds me why our softball team never won a game.
Look who they let out of the fancy corporate office.
Hey, that wife of yours get smart and leave you yet? Eh, actually, she did.
It's been rough.
- Oh.
I'm so sorry.
- I We didn't know.
Ah, you mutts, I'm screwing with you! Where's she going? I knew my dad was going through something, and when I saw his car at the old office, I-I stopped by to check on him.
Are you feeling shy, Claire? Uh yeah, I guess I am a little.
- Um - How old are you? You're right.
Just come out and say it.
Um I'm worried that you're unhappy we sold the company and you're blaming it on me.
You're making that face like you have to go potty.
I'm anxious and How can you even see my face? She's my daughter.
She thinks she runs the place.
You said he wouldn't do it.
You're damn right, I did it.
Boss is still the best, huh? My dad was homesick.
That is one photogenic butt, Jay.
Take it with you.
You can kiss it at home, too.
- Hey, guys.
Hi.
- Hey! - Hi, Dad.
- Hey, what are you doing here? I, uh, saw your car.
Look I know you've been frustrated at work lately.
Don't worry about that.
You're doing great, though, huh? Yeah, I kind of love it.
But it doesn't feel right if you hate it.
Dad, we can bail on the whole thing.
You know what I need to bail on? Being such a little peach.
- Hmm? - What? They bruise easily.
It could be an expression.
I don't know.
The point is, when I was here, I reached out more.
I made videos greeting people.
I built real relationships.
Those three guys I knew two of their names.
I think maybe I need to try to be a little bit more like you and give this new thing a chance.
You know, they're not so bad when you get past the the hipster beards and the sweaty handshakes.
Tell me about that printer guy, Eduardo.
What the hell is 3-D printing anyway? Look at you trying.
Oh, Dad! Okay, 3-D printing is when you take three lasers and you can scan any object you want.
You You want to 3-D print your butt, don't you? We want them to like me, don't we? Ohh Okay, baby, have fun at your play date.
I'll pick you up in two hours.
Can you believe I'm a model now? Crazy world.
See you, buddy.
- Bye, baby.
- Bye, Mom! Gosh, I'm so happy for that kid.
Yeah, we keep saying that.
I feel, uh, silly I got so invested in modeling for some mall poster no one's ever gonna see.
You want to feel better? I'll show you something that is gonna make me look more pathetic than you do.
I think I said "silly," but, um yeah, okay.
That was me 20 years ago.
That's amazing.
But what are you so upset about? You're just as beautiful now as you were then.
Aww.
I know.
It's just that it was a time in my life where I was out there hustling, modeling, driving a taxi, selling bacon-wrapped hot dogs outside a nightclub.
Seeing them taking it down made me feel like that version of me is gone forever.
So that's why you wanted to start modeling again.
I just miss being passionate about something again.
The way that you feel passionate about real estate.
- Mm.
- You always seem, like, so alive, making new deals, meeting new people.
Have you ever thought about becoming a Realtor? - Who hasn't? - That's true.
I bought a book one time to learn how to do it, but you know how it is.
Sometimes in life, you just get stuck.
I think you'd be great at it.
Really.
I'd buy anything from you.
I'm thinking about getting my chompers bleached, and there's only half of you up there.
- Really? - Yeah.
It can be scary to ask yourself what's next.
All the doubts start to creep in.
Are people going to like me? Ooh, still hot.
Thank you! I throw a tractor tire around the backyard a couple days a week.
Can I handle the challenge? Dude.
You can ask these questions forever, or you can just take the first step.
Here is your five-point checklist for any open house.
Number one Sorry, professor.
Phil, honey.
What are you doing here? Hey.
I thought I'd surprise you and take you out to dinner.
Ooh! Spontaneous.
You know I like that.
Well, um, let me just make sure everybody's gone.
I'll grab my bag and lock up.
Awesome.
May I help you with your clothes? Ooh.
I guess we are the only ones here.
Perhaps we'll start with the pants.
Wow.
Normally, you like a little slow shirt unbuttoning, but I guess we are cutting to the chase.
Dad, are you still looking for a place to leave that butt? It's so gross.
There's nothing better for office camaraderie than a practical joke.
It lifts people's spirits.
Mm.
Well played.
Most of you know me as Acting Vice Principal Tucker, but today I am your guide to the future the future the future.
Okay, so you didn't take my note on the echo.
Mitchell, I can't take another negative voice in my head.
I'm already freaking out about Principal Brown.
I kind of have a bully at school.
You gonna eat all that? I-I guess not.
Okay.
Saw your plans for the seminar tomorrow.
Oh, you like it? Y-You know, I think the kids will really benefit from hearing from four graduates that have taken such different paths.
I've got traditional college, gap year Wrong! We're pushing one path here college.
Well, yeah, but college isn't necessarily the right path for every Tucker, are you familiar with the term "Golden Apple"? I am.
I'm a little surprised it's made its way into the straight vernacular.
It's still illegal in Alabama.
No, no, no, Golden Apple status is awarded to schools that reach a minimum of 60% college acceptance.
If we dip below that, I'm back to teaching night school.
If you think the lunch ladies are mean, you should meet the dinner ladies.
Yeah, but what about the students that Play ball, Acting Vice Principal Tucker, and you might just find yourself Vice principal? Mm-hmm.
I just don't know if I can preach something that I don't believe.
- Ha! Play ball.
- Seems like a thing no one was saying, and now everyone is.
You know what I'm doing right now? I'm making 100 cupcakes because the D.
A.
lost his caterer for his kid's party and asked if I could help out.
But if it puts me, uh, higher up on his radar, then so be it.
I'm just saying sometimes you need to compromise to to get ahead.
Maybe it's our time now.
Ooh, I like that.
Hey, world, there's a new power couple on the horizon.
Yeah.
Cam and Mitch.
Citch No, that sounds weird.
Mam We'll find it.
Hey, Dad, our video conference is about to start.
Can we make it fast? I have that sales meeting offsite.
Hence the power threads and box of cigars.
Whoa! Dad, it's 10:00 in the morning.
- Mm.
- Ohh! I don't swallow it.
He smells it on my breath, he lets his guard down.
In 20 minutes, I'm taking him in a way that would make a prison guard blush.
It's the way gentlemen do business.
Well, I am sorry to ruin your Glengarry, Glenlivet fun, but that meeting got canceled.
What? I was looking forward to it.
Nick took care of it by Skype this morning.
Log on.
Our meeting's about to start.
Okay, let's begin.
So, Nick, where are we with the interactive closet with the voice prompts? Here's a demo.
Went with a Christopher Walken soundalike voice.
Forecast is chilly.
Put on some pants.
I think we all fell in love with the idea of calling it a Walken closet, but this just isn't working.
Hey, Claire, I don't see your dad on the video conference.
Damn it! My computer's busted again.
Or your caps lock is on.
Can't we have this meeting in the conference room? You know, where we all sit around a table, there's a nice breakfast spread? I am tired of having to keep cream cheese in my desk.
Dad, you know why we do it this way.
We have people working here.
We've got people working from home.
We've got people working all over the world.
Tiffany is in Berlin at KlausetSchvarg.
They still have that conference? I thought they shut that down in the '80s after we used that sweater hutch to smuggle that dissident out during East KlausetSchvarg.
You're good.
Just talk into the camera.
Hoo! Sorry about that.
All right.
How about an update on our 3-D printing? I think everybody knows Eduardo.
Jay, have you two met? I can't see the camera! Dad, you're, uh you're kind of smushed up against it.
You might want to just step back a skosh.
Using a 3-D printer to manufacture our closets will triple revenue.
I can't hear you! Volume up, Dad.
In our first year alone What the hell?! Dad, "undo.
" Just I know! I know! Double-click.
Happy birrrthday Mr.
Closet No! No! Have your stupid meeting! I'm outta here! Margaret, I'm going to the park across the street.
I need a walk! Aah! Thank you so much for helping out with Joe.
You don't think it's too flashy? What are you talking about? You're taking a magic class.
You want to show them you're serious.
It's abracadabra, not abraca-drab-ra.
Look at that! An open casting call.
Excuse me, what is this for? We are looking for real families to be the new faces of the Glen Valley Mall.
You guys are adorable.
Want to sign up? Oh, we're not a-a real Oh, we would love to! What a cool and a spontaneous thing to do! I saw that poster last week.
It kind of reminded me of a long time ago when I used to do a little modeling.
I guess I miss it.
I tricked Phil into going to the mall because I knew that Jay wouldn't do it with me.
Oh, come on, guys.
This is gonna be so much fun.
I don't know.
This kid in my class did a cough syrup commercial.
Now he's always going to the teachers' lounge to call his manager.
He's the worst.
And I teach a real-estate class at 5:00.
I have to show up early to limber up.
Um I think that this could help a lot with Joe's self-esteem.
He's had a rough week.
You know how they treat kids that are into magic.
Oh, you tell him when he gets to high school, that all changes.
I don't like lying to him.
Look, this isn't really my thing, and I'm I'm feeling a little under the weather.
Don't Don't I look a little pale? - We will do it! - Great.
Our P.
A.
will set you up with wardrobe for some test shots.
Hey, team.
Can I get you anything? Uh, coffee? Water? Still or sparkling? Ooh, I-I'd take a sparkling.
Talent wants sparkling.
Did you hear that, Phil? They call us talent! Let's not get carried away.
We're still reg I said sparkling.
Well, looks like you're gonna get a pretty solid turnout, Tucker.
Now close the deal.
Hey, what is, uh, "whanex"? It's the way the kids say "What's next?" You know, if you want to reach them, you have to learn to speak their language.
Massive screw-up at the print shop.
I-I have no idea how it happened! Yeah, that's right.
The banner should read whanex.
Okay.
Yeah, whanex.
Uh-huh.
Welcome, students, to the first annual "whanex" seminar.
Let's, uh, just jump right into it and meet our panelists.
We have two bright, young people who chose the college path and two wayward souls whose mistakes we can only hope to learn from.
'Sup, Dolphins? Nick, I'm so sorry about my dad this morning.
- Hi.
- Please forget it.
- We've got a bigger problem.
- Hmm? We have to find a new voice for the virtual closet assistant.
We're thinking female.
Yeah, I was wondering about that myself.
Hold on a second.
Claire has a great voice commanding but alluring.
Oh, come on.
I don't know about alluring.
You're right.
You're right.
I can totally hear it.
Guys, guys you're embarrassing me.
Where have you been hiding this? Within half an hour, I had recorded all the voice prompts for the new smart-closet, and they installed it in the prototype right in the office.
Everyone seemed really happy, but I don't get it.
I mean a voice is just a voice.
Oh, good.
Dad, you're back.
Please step into our new smart-closet prototype.
So you can yell at me for bailing on the meeting this morning? Just You'll see.
Oh.
May I help choose an outfit for you? 'Cause I'm some old fossil that still puts on a suit to go to work? Let's start over.
Why don't we?! What level of comfort are you looking for? Same thing I've had for the last 40 years a workplace where you interact with actual people every once in a while, like we're doing right now.
I used to love sales calls.
Now we don't even do them anymore.
I mean, put yourself in my shoes.
Dress or casual? Why do you sound like Lauren Bacall?! I don't understand.
Right, because now, like everything, my references are old and out of step.
Why are you yelling? If you don't get it by now, you're never gonna get it! Well, somebody's panties are in a bunch.
May I offer you a different pair? That's just weird.
Ooh! Very good.
I had an hour to make 100 cupcakes for my boss's son's party, but it was all gonna be worth it.
He was gonna be so grateful, the next big promotion would be mine.
You ungrateful monster! Two sisters, two paths.
Graduation procreation.
The world on a string a baby and no ring.
Uh, you you said you were happy for me.
You said a baby would bring me limitless joy.
And a limited bank account.
Now, Manny, no one can doubt the real-world value of an art degree, but talk a little bit about the exciting social scene.
It's funny you ask I went to a wine and cheese mixer at the Dean's house the other night.
He collects instruments of indigenous people.
And by the time we killed the last bit of a chewy Zinfandel, our jam sesh started to sound like a didgeri-don't.
Thank you.
Could I please pipe in here? Yes, please.
Alex.
I genuinely appreciate the opportunity to come back here, where I had the pleasure of serving as co-valedictorian, to offer a message of hope to those oft-marginalized overachievers out there.
I see you.
Well, I can't be the only one with goose bumps in here.
Oh.
Excuse me.
Oh.
Yes, let's open it up for questions.
Right here in the front row.
Go ahead.
I still don't get "whanex.
" It sounds like my grandparents' long-distance carrier in Oregon.
Okay, okay.
You know what? I have to take this.
Uh, Luke, Haley, talk a little bit about how you still live at home with your parents.
Hey, what's up? I'm in the middle of my thing.
Flip what I said before.
Start talking up the dummies.
What? Um, I just got a text from work.
My boss gave that big case to someone else! Meanwhile, I'm still on the hook for these stupid cupcakes! M-My heart is racing, my my hands are numb.
Plus, I-I think I have a case of airborne diabetes! Wait.
Are you saying I-I should Look, if those college application numbers fall, Principal Brown, he gets fired.
Guess who's up next.
Principal Tucker.
I've never dared dream of such a thing.
More money, better parking space, plus you get to pick the prom theme.
I can finally make my Enchanted Bayou a reality.
Okay, t-talk talk soon.
What's great about art school is that a lot of the faculty work in the industry.
My film studies professor has led tours at every major studio.
All right, thank you, Manny.
And for those of you still awake, I think what we've learned here today is college, a dead end.
Okay, up next.
Philip, Gloria, and Joe.
Same setup.
Dad playing catch with his son.
Mom laying out a picnic.
So, just real natural.
Like I'm not even here.
You got it.
Maybe not so sexy.
My bad.
He was talking to Mom.
You can just lay out the food in a normal way.
Copy that.
No divas here.
Her head is doing something weird.
Can we straighten that up? Hang on, guys.
Why are they whispering? You think I look too young for you? Why? Are my crow's feet showing? I knew makeup was going too light on the concealer.
Guys, we're just mixing and matching today, so we're thinking about swapping out one of you.
No, we're a team.
You get rid of one of us, and you lose all of us.
It's the kid.
Okay.
I thought this was supposed to be for Joe.
Obviously, he's terrible at it, so how is that gonna help him with his self-esteem? Hi, I'm Tyler.
Oh, this is not good.
Tyler, don't get too comfortable.
I think we want to try something different.
- Hey, Sean, could you step up here? - Yep.
I'm so sorry, Phil.
No, we want to look at two dads.
I can't play the kid.
Looks like you're out.
Here we go.
- Sean, was it? - Yeah.
Hey.
- How are you? - Good.
Hmm.
Not feeling that chemistry.
Maybe we should kiss? We could just wait for them to tell us what to do.
Let's try Sean and a mom.
Move, Phil.
No, we meant Lydia.
All right, almost there.
Hey, Joe, hop up here for me.
Yes! That's our family.
The new faces of Glen Valley Mall.
Everyone else can go.
Thank you.
Nice working with you guys.
I have an audition across town.
For what? Do they need grownups? All right.
We heard from our college-going sheep.
Now, Luke, you wisely took a gap year, got a job, made mad stacks, and invested a little, correct? Totally.
I own 300 microrubels, a Russian cryptocurrency I heard about on Facebook, which currently, you can only use to buy a Chechen party drug called Frankenstein.
Okay, Haley, uh hot boyfriend, job, baby on the way You seem to have it all, yet you took a very different path than your older sister, Alex.
I'm younger! Oh, wow.
Okay.
I guess that's why they call studying "the new smoking.
" No one says that.
Can I add I'm sure you can, but it won't help in the real world.
Anyway, thank you all for coming.
Have a good afternoon.
Thank you.
Cam, what the hell? I learned a lot.
Tucker! I wasn't picking up a lot of Uber fares, so I came back here early and I heard the end of your little presentation.
I know what you're trying to do.
Hey, I just need to talk to him for for one second.
Hey, hey.
Guess what.
I just dropped off the cupcakes at my boss's house.
Turns out he he didn't give me the case I wanted because he had an even better one for me.
Really? T-That's amazing.
And he didn't want me to make cupcakes.
He just wanted me to recommend a new caterer.
So we had a big laugh about that.
But just goes to show, don't play games.
Do your job, and you'll be recognized.
- Yeah, but you said - No, ah! Forget what I said.
T-There's no one path to success.
I mean, that's what you should be telling these kids.
Yeah, that's what I was going to tell these kids Damn it, Tucker! I can't hold my alpha power stance this long.
My calves are starting to cramp.
- Okay, well, first of all - No, can it! Okay? You thought you could bury me by killing college applications, didn't you? Hmm? I will clean out my half of the desk that I share.
Oh, no, it's I'm so sorry.
T-This is This is my fault.
I tried to play ball at work.
There was a lot of unnecessary baking.
D The point is, I-I put these ideas into his head, so Oh.
So you're so weak and without conviction that somebody suggests some stupid idea to you and without even thinking, you just abandon all your values and fold like a cheap Chinese fan, huh? Yes, sir.
I am a worm.
That is exactly what I'm looking for.
No threat to me at all.
Well, congratulations, permanent Vice Principal Tucker.
- Really? - Yes.
Thank you! I love you! I love you, too.
Now, first order of business fix what you did here.
You are gonna give me a Golden Apple.
Hey, hey! We are in a committed relationship! No, no, no.
It's not the same thing we saw at Pepper's bachelor party.
- It's not? - No.
After fighting with everybody all day, I was starting to think maybe I was the jerk.
So I ended up back at the old office, you know, trying to figure out what it was about going to work there that I loved so much.
Congratulations.
You've been hired at Pritchett's Closets, Blinds, and Waterbeds.
I'm Jay Pritchett.
Welcome to the team.
You hear that? They're cheering for you already.
That's something we value here teamwork.
And whether you're in sales or shipping or one of those cute tomatoes in the steno pool, you're important, 'cause we're family here.
Wait a minute! Who's this new employee? It's me Claire, Daddy.
Oh, right! It's Claire! Nice hands.
Reminds me why our softball team never won a game.
Look who they let out of the fancy corporate office.
Hey, that wife of yours get smart and leave you yet? Eh, actually, she did.
It's been rough.
- Oh.
I'm so sorry.
- I We didn't know.
Ah, you mutts, I'm screwing with you! Where's she going? I knew my dad was going through something, and when I saw his car at the old office, I-I stopped by to check on him.
Are you feeling shy, Claire? Uh yeah, I guess I am a little.
- Um - How old are you? You're right.
Just come out and say it.
Um I'm worried that you're unhappy we sold the company and you're blaming it on me.
You're making that face like you have to go potty.
I'm anxious and How can you even see my face? She's my daughter.
She thinks she runs the place.
You said he wouldn't do it.
You're damn right, I did it.
Boss is still the best, huh? My dad was homesick.
That is one photogenic butt, Jay.
Take it with you.
You can kiss it at home, too.
- Hey, guys.
Hi.
- Hey! - Hi, Dad.
- Hey, what are you doing here? I, uh, saw your car.
Look I know you've been frustrated at work lately.
Don't worry about that.
You're doing great, though, huh? Yeah, I kind of love it.
But it doesn't feel right if you hate it.
Dad, we can bail on the whole thing.
You know what I need to bail on? Being such a little peach.
- Hmm? - What? They bruise easily.
It could be an expression.
I don't know.
The point is, when I was here, I reached out more.
I made videos greeting people.
I built real relationships.
Those three guys I knew two of their names.
I think maybe I need to try to be a little bit more like you and give this new thing a chance.
You know, they're not so bad when you get past the the hipster beards and the sweaty handshakes.
Tell me about that printer guy, Eduardo.
What the hell is 3-D printing anyway? Look at you trying.
Oh, Dad! Okay, 3-D printing is when you take three lasers and you can scan any object you want.
You You want to 3-D print your butt, don't you? We want them to like me, don't we? Ohh Okay, baby, have fun at your play date.
I'll pick you up in two hours.
Can you believe I'm a model now? Crazy world.
See you, buddy.
- Bye, baby.
- Bye, Mom! Gosh, I'm so happy for that kid.
Yeah, we keep saying that.
I feel, uh, silly I got so invested in modeling for some mall poster no one's ever gonna see.
You want to feel better? I'll show you something that is gonna make me look more pathetic than you do.
I think I said "silly," but, um yeah, okay.
That was me 20 years ago.
That's amazing.
But what are you so upset about? You're just as beautiful now as you were then.
Aww.
I know.
It's just that it was a time in my life where I was out there hustling, modeling, driving a taxi, selling bacon-wrapped hot dogs outside a nightclub.
Seeing them taking it down made me feel like that version of me is gone forever.
So that's why you wanted to start modeling again.
I just miss being passionate about something again.
The way that you feel passionate about real estate.
- Mm.
- You always seem, like, so alive, making new deals, meeting new people.
Have you ever thought about becoming a Realtor? - Who hasn't? - That's true.
I bought a book one time to learn how to do it, but you know how it is.
Sometimes in life, you just get stuck.
I think you'd be great at it.
Really.
I'd buy anything from you.
I'm thinking about getting my chompers bleached, and there's only half of you up there.
- Really? - Yeah.
It can be scary to ask yourself what's next.
All the doubts start to creep in.
Are people going to like me? Ooh, still hot.
Thank you! I throw a tractor tire around the backyard a couple days a week.
Can I handle the challenge? Dude.
You can ask these questions forever, or you can just take the first step.
Here is your five-point checklist for any open house.
Number one Sorry, professor.
Phil, honey.
What are you doing here? Hey.
I thought I'd surprise you and take you out to dinner.
Ooh! Spontaneous.
You know I like that.
Well, um, let me just make sure everybody's gone.
I'll grab my bag and lock up.
Awesome.
May I help you with your clothes? Ooh.
I guess we are the only ones here.
Perhaps we'll start with the pants.
Wow.
Normally, you like a little slow shirt unbuttoning, but I guess we are cutting to the chase.
Dad, are you still looking for a place to leave that butt? It's so gross.
There's nothing better for office camaraderie than a practical joke.
It lifts people's spirits.
Mm.
Well played.