Family Guy s10e14 Episode Script

It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a Fam ily Guy! Good evening.
I'm Tom Tucker bringing you news you heard four hours ago on the Internet.
Our top story: A mishap in Quahog harbor today.
That's right, Tom.
A ferry carrying a shipment of brand-new Mercedes Benzes from Germany crashed and sank just a few miles off our coast.
Thus far, the cars remain on the ocean floor as the Germans refuse to clean up the disaster.
The German Environmental Minister called a press conference to issue the following statement: I see nothing! I know nothing! Holy crap! Did you hear that, Lois? All them fancy cars out there in the ocean, just free for the taking? I'm gonna get me a Mercedes! Peter, that may be the stupidest idea you've ever had.
And you've had some pretty stupid ones.
Hi there.
Peter Griffin.
You know, a lot of us here at Family Guy are, frankly, sickened by the sorry state of education in this country and how little you people read anymore.
So, for this next cutaway, we're gonna make you read it.
That's right, you heard me.
Do a little work once in a while, instead of having everything spoon-fed.
You want your yuks, put in a little effort.
All right, go ahead.
Okay, that one might have been more of a visual, but you feel that feeling you got right now? That's satisfaction.
You just read something.
And no one can take that away from you.
Proud of you.
Geez, you're a mess.
What is that? It was finger-paint day.
What the hell? Why didn't they clean you up before you left? Brian, there's, like, One was in a drawer all day.
Wow, seems like Lois would've checked that stuff out before sending you.
Yeah, you'd think so, right? I mean, it's clearly not a place of business.
It's someone's house.
You know, half the time you can hear someone showering.
I mean, you never see them, but you can hear the shower going.
Really? That seems weird.
Yeah, and is it normal that Miss Emily tied us all to the sink while she went out to return a birthday present? No, that's not normal at all.
You know, Stewie, maybe I should come by tomorrow and check things out.
That teacher sounds really irresponsible.
She is.
Adults are stupid.
The world would be so much better if it were run by babies.
Tonight on NBC Shapes! And then Colors! Followed by an all-new Dad's Keys! Man, I can't wait to get a Mercedes.
Me, either.
Yeah, it's gonna be sweet.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! What the hell is that?! A sun hat.
No, no, no, no, no.
What do you mean, no? I'm protecting my face and neck from the sun.
Use sunscreen! Y-You don't need to put a circus on your head.
This is a ploy for attention.
Sunscreens are bad for you.
The chemicals get in your skin.
Boy, you really want to wear that hat.
That hat's coming off! No! You guys are jerks! I can have my own identity besides you two.
Not this way.
Not the hat way.
Holy crap! I think we got one! Aw, damn it! It's just a dolphin.
Sorry, did I get in the way of something? No, it's all right.
We were just trying to get some of them sunken Mercedes.
Oh, yeah, there's a great big pile of them down there.
Me and my mates, right, we was having a laugh sitting in of one of them, pretending to be people.
You know, like, driving around getting into incidents with other motorists.
Honk, honk.
"Stay out the way, you old bat!" Asian.
Not all Asians are bad drivers.
No, no, not all terrorists are Arab.
But, you know, they are, so Uh, well, I'm Peter, and that's, uh, Joe, and that's Quagmire.
Name's Billy, Billy Finn.
It's got "fin" in it.
I didn't pick it.
Luck of the draw.
Say, you want me to try and get you one of those cars from down there, yeah? You would do that?! Well, I could try.
Here, let me give it a go.
He seems nice.
He does.
Yeah.
So, uh, what do you have planned for the summer? I'm sure he'll be right back.
Sorry, mate, all I could get was this hood ornament.
This is just as good! Thank you so much! Hey, you know, if there's ever anything I could do for you Actually, you could do something.
You could eat only dolphin-safe tuna.
Wait, is that the brand that costs five cents more? No, I can't do that.
Things ain't so good in America right now, which is why we're all so fat.
What did I tell you, Brian? It's a nightmare in here.
Oh, my God! Oh, what happened to that kid? He fell off a stool trying to turn off Maury Povich.
This is awful! Where's your teacher? Probably out back.
Excuse me, are you Miss Emily? Yeah.
Hi.
Who are you? Uh, Brian.
Brian Steel.
I was just dropping Stewie off.
Oh, yeah! I should probably go back in there, see how everyone's doing, I guess.
Ah, they're fine.
In fact, I see Stewie reading a book.
Scratch-and-sniff Lindsay Lohan Goes Jogging.
Oh, God! That's terrible! Oh, here's a pop-up book.
Tommy Lee Goes Boating.
Move, Lois! You're on the hood ornament's pillow.
Peter, put that away.
It's time for bed.
W-Wait, hang on, Lois, before I go to bed, I just got to do one thing.
Hello? Hey, Mr.
Pewterschmidt, it's me, Peter.
You remember how you said I'd never amount to nothing? Is that a Mercedes? Peter, hang up the phone.
My God, who could be at the door at this hour? I don't know, but this late, it's got to be bad news.
Everyone knows you always get bad news in the middle of the night.
Wake up, wake up, wake up! Huh? What? You have cancer! What?! Yeah.
I thought you should know.
Okay, go back to sleep.
Wait, I have questions.
It's very late.
Oh, hello.
This is the right house.
That's good, then.
What the hell? It's me, Billy.
Billy Finn.
Just wanted to take you up on your nice offer from earlier.
What I-I don't What offer? You know, the bit about "If there's ever anything I can do," so, yeah Oh.
Yeah, thought I might make a go of it on land.
So, "anything you can ever do.
" Here I am.
Thank you.
Squid pro quo.
Thank you for not being "shellfish.
" I just said that for the "halibut.
" Fish puns.
Ah.
Oh, cod.
Oh, God, come on.
Let me in.
Peter, who is it? Is Meg dead? It's that dolphin-- I think he wants to crash here.
And I have no info on Meg.
He wants to what? I-I'm not sure that I brought a gift.
Put it to your ear.
You can hear the ocean.
Caribbean Queen Now we're sharing It's broken or something.
All I hear is It's Billy Ocean! Oh, God! I got loads more.
So, Billy, I, uh, I hope the couch was all right? Yeah, a lot better than the floor.
And I should know, 'cause I went down on the floor, thinking it had to be a lot better than the couch.
Okay, well, breakfast is ready.
Oh.
Uh Is everything all right? Yeah.
Well, it's just would you mind tossing it up in the air for me? Well, I don't know Lois, he is our guest.
Toss it in the air.
Uh, I'm used to a little applause, so All right, all right.
Not bad.
Afternoon crowd.
Lightly attended.
So, Billy, how long will you be staying with us? Are you kidding? As long as he wants! Yay! We live with a dolphin! Anyway, I'm off to read Meg's diary.
Only been here one night, but I get the sense we all dislike Meg.
Um, I'm a dolphin-- smart, intuitive.
Also, Peter told me in the hall.
Ha.
Peter, I'm not so sure about Billy staying here with us.
What are you talking about? He's hilarious.
I don't know.
Listen, just leave it to me.
I'm great with animals.
Remember when I lived with those ants? We're working on something.
Yes? May I help you? Hey, put him down! Who are you? I-I can't stop him! Can anyone stop him? No? Well, he's gone.
Hey, Stewie.
How's it going? Brian, what are you doing here? Came by to check on my pal.
Where's, uh, Miss Emily? I haven't seen her yet today.
She gave me the keys to open up when she left yesterday.
I thought you said you were gonna talk to her.
I did, a-and she's doing her best, you know? She's got a lot on her plate.
She's got school.
She's got work.
This is her work! Oh, hi, Brian.
I thought you had a busy day at your legal practice.
Oh Hey, Emily! Yeah, I had some time between cases.
I thought I'd see how you were doing.
That's so nice of you! Let me just put these bags away and throw some saltines in the yard for the kids.
You're disgusting.
Hey, I'm sorry, but Miss Emily and I have a connection, which is totally unexpected.
And by the way, I actually think she's doing a pretty good job.
She's teaching you guys independence.
We're one! Independence means we die! Do you like this? I just got it.
Say you like it, or she's gonna spend the rest of the afternoon out returning that stuff.
Looks great! Wow, you really fill these things up.
Hey, do you think maybe you'd want to hang out sometime? What, you mean like a movie or something? Yeah, or-or maybe lunch? I had a bad experience last time I went to the movies.
We're good friends, aren't we, Milo? We're best friends, Otis.
No! No! I reject the premise of this! Okay, who's ready for Family Movie Night? All right, tonight's selection: Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland in 3D.
Now let's all sit down and take our headache.
Or or-or we could watch The Cove, The Cove? Isn't that that horrible documentary where they kill all the fish? Dolphins, actually.
Well, yeah, but this one was in the video store under "Ethan's Picks.
" Come on, Peter.
Billy's our guest.
All right, we'll watch The Cove.
Oh, my God! I don't want to see this! I know you can't tell this, but the one who's about to get her throat cut, she's sorta hot.
Wh-Wh-What are you doing? What do you think I'm doing? You're stoolin'? What, you gotta do that in here? Well, where else am I supposed to do it? I can't just do it on the floor, can I? You'd be all, like, "Ooh, who left this coil of rope on the floor?" It's very comes out very ropey is my point.
But I gotta take a bath.
Go on, then.
We're both men.
Well all right, I guess.
There you go! Look at that! What is Whoa! Solar eclipse.
Blocking the sun.
Do not look directly at it.
Wh-Wha-What the hell? What're you doin'? I'm just making a comment.
Um, need to know somethin'.
Do you hear the word "morbidly" a lot? This is not fair.
O-O-Okay.
And, again, I'm gonna ask one more question, and don't take this the wrong way, but have you actually got a penis? Yes.
Where-where is it? Where is it? It's in there.
Are you sure? So it's like Mr.
Snuffleupagus, is it? Aw, the hell with this.
Lois, get the ruler, we're measuring again.
And this time, I decide where the base is.
So then I'm reading the funnies, and right before I get to the last panel, Billy blurts out, he goes, he goes, "You know, those firemen showed up to get a cat out of the tree, but it turns out it's really Marmaduke up there.
" It ruined the whole damn thing! Peter, in Billy's defense, the strip is called Marmaduke, and Marmaduke had not yet made an appearance.
You probably should've seen that coming.
I tell ya, he was fun at first, but now I'm not sure I can take much more of him living here.
Well, Peter, you've more than paid back your debt to him.
I mean, what did he do? He-he got you a hood ornament.
If you ask me, it's time for him to go.
Yeah, you're right.
Plus, the sooner we get him out of here, the sooner I can get back to my cocaine and dollhouses.
Dinner is served.
Get out! Stewie, what's going on? Aren't you supposed to be at day care? I escaped.
What happened to your arm? I finally stood up for all of us and told Miss Emily we should be given a proper lunch and not just what's left over from her Baja Fresh.
And she said I shouldn't raise my voice and pulled me really hard into the other room, and my arm came out of its socket.
Are you sure? Are you sure you didn't just sleep on it funny? Does this look like I slept on it funny?! I'm gonna tell Mom! Mom! You are not going anywhere.
I finally have a date with Miss Emily tomorrow, and I'm not gonna let you or anybody else get in my way until I have seen every inch of her naked.
Do you even hear yourself?! And what am I supposed to do about my arm?! I'll just pop it back in.
You most certainly will not! I need to go to a hospital.
Brian, is Stewie in there with you? Mom! We're in here, Lois.
He's napping.
Relax.
I'm gonna pop it back in.
Get in there! C-Come on! Hold still, Stewie! I'm not saying I like pain.
But I'm not saying I don't like it either.
Hey, uh, listen, Billy, it's been fun having you stay here, but we really need to talk about making some new arrangements.
Oh, do we? Is this because there's some kind of problem with the hood ornament? No, that's it's that's it's-it's fine.
Oh, good, good.
That's good to hear, 'cause it dawned on me that the only thing better than you having one of them would be you having two of them.
Don't you say those things.
Don't you say those things unless they're true.
Yeah, be quite a thing for you to have two of them, wouldn't it? Would it ever! Wonderful! The best! Very fancy! Now, what was it you wanted to talk to me about? Nothing, nothing.
Tricia Takanawa? What are you doing here? Peter, I'm standing here on your front porch, hoping to kill that dolphin with this harpoon.
So the thing about dolphin lullabies is that they're all in the key of "eee-eee"! "Eee"! That's loud.
I get why that's factual.
I don't see why it's funny.
Eh-eh! What the hell, man?! Drink beer much? I just learned that "much" thing from the telly.
Hey, here's a question: When are you going back to the ocean? Yeah, I mean, don't you have family back there? I used to, but not anymore.
Um, the wife won't have me back.
Threw me out, actually.
Well, maybe you should talk to her.
Peter, believe me, if she'd take me back, I'd go in a second.
But she won't, so as much as I love her, moot point.
Moving on.
Uh Well, gotta go and drain the eel.
It's electric.
My penis.
Hey, throw darts much? Boy, I see what you're saying, Peter.
Billy's annoying.
Yeah, and P.
S.
, that guy doesn't throw darts much.
He's new.
Peter, I thought you said you were gonna ask Billy to leave.
He's still sleeping on the couch out there.
I know, Lois, but I found out he's only here 'cause his wife kicked him out.
So I figured out a way to kill two birds with one stone.
Like this.
The key to that, Lois, is big rock, small birds.
Oh, and I also figured out how to achieve two goals with one action.
See, I'm gonna help Billy get back together with his wife, and then he'll move out and stop annoying us.
How do you plan to do that? Are you kidding? I'm great at getting people back together.
I even recorded a song about it.
("Reunited" intro playing) Reunited and it feels so good Doin' someone that you used to do That's what this song's about You could find someone else But this seems a little easier 'Cause you already have their number Yeah, yeah Hey, guys.
Everybody having fun playing with What-what is that? A piece of wood with a, with a nail in it.
Neat.
He can't hear you.
There was a kitchen explosion today, and half the kids are deaf.
Oh, hi, Brian.
Hey, Emily.
Wow, you look great.
You're ready to go? Yeah, one sec.
I'm leaving, honey.
Okay, babe, have fun.
I'm probably just gonna take a couple more showers.
Who-who was that? That's my boyfriend, Devin.
Are you ready for lunch? Code 6, 105 North Avenue What you did to these kids There is a special place in hell for people like you.
Come on, let's go home.
Man, when she gets to jail, she's gonna be major lez-chow.
She sure is, Stewie.
She sure is.
I'm telling you, Peter, you're wasting your time.
She's never taking me back.
Well, you'll never know until you try.
Hey, I brought this sack of garbage from my home.
Where do I put this? Just anywhere? Yeah.
Anywhere.
Yay, people! All right, here she comes.
Oh, hello, Joanne.
Billy?! What are you doing here? He's here because he loves you, and he wants to patch things up.
Hey, how come you ain't got boobs? You like a runner or something? Who's this, then? He's just a friend, trying to help.
Look, Billy, I don't care what you or your fat friend here has to say, it's over.
Well, thanks for trying.
I knew she wouldn't listen to you, though.
Well, maybe so.
But I know someone she'll have to listen to.
Hey, gang, I'm Aquaman.
Get back together.
Boop-boop-boop-boop- boop-boop-boop.
That's not Aquaman! Billy, what is going on? Let me answer that.
Look, Joanne, Billy had nothing to do with this.
It was just a dumb plan my buddies and I put together because we know how much Billy loves you.
And he misses you very much.
Look, just give him another chance.
And if you won't do it for me, do it for Fish Jesus.
Do you have Fish Jesus? Of course.
He was nailed to a board and hung in a man's study as a novelty to sing funny songs.
Your god is a gag gift, did you know that? Would you excuse us? Is it true, Billy? Do you really miss me? Joanne, I am so sorry.
I promise I'll do better.
You know what? I had to live on the land to learn there might be a million fish in the sea, but there's only one you.
Oh, Billy Aw, look at that.
That's nice.
Oh, cool, they're already using my garbage! Hey, Brian, thanks for helping get rid of Miss Emily.
Although I've got to say, my new preschool teacher is even hotter.
Really? Yeah.
Let me know if you want his number.
Oh, you! Okay, now just stay like this and let Peter and Lois finish their thing.
Wow, Peter, you did a really nice thing helping Billy get back together with his wife.
Yeah, and the best part is, he's out of the house and back in the ocean.
I guess everything worked out for everybody.
Arr! 'Tis a mighty haul! Hey.
Oh.
Yeah, it's me as Neptune.