Frasier s10e15 Episode Script

F R A S I E R (10x15) - Trophy Girlfriend - Ooh, Niles, sorry I'm late.
Did you sign us up? Um, Frasier, I've been thinking.
How many years have we teamed up for the squash tournament, -only to be eliminated in the second round? -Nine.
Don't you think it's time we came up with a new strategy? Niles, if you're talking about taking that powder that's made from sheep's glands, -the answer is never again! -Actually, I was thinking of something more fundamental.
-It occurs to me that after nine years -Shh, shh, Niles, Niles, here comes that two-faced braggart Jim Blake.
Jim, looking good! -Thanks, Frasier, thanks.
-So, you signed up for the tournament? Uh, I don't know.
Have we, partner? Awesome, awesome, let's do it! I'll see you on the court, bro.
-It's not what it looks like.
-It's exactly what it looks like.
-You've teamed up with someone younger and in better shape.
-No, Frasier.
-You know I don't care about such superficial things.
-You know, that Jim is bad news.
He struts around here in those ridiculous-looking Swedish goggles -that everybody thinks are so cool.
-Jim.
You know, I just wish you'd told me sooner instead of waiting until the last minute.
Does Jim know you're passive-agressive? Believe me, neither Jim nor I expected this to happen, but our games just meshed.
We would have teamed up sooner, but the timing was never right.
Either Jim was with a squash partner, -or I was playing with you -Fine, go, just go, go, go to your new partner.
I don't care, who needs you? Niles don't forget to wear your wrist brace, you know how easily you sprain.
HiFrasier! Chelsea Gray.
-We met a few months ago.
-Oh, yes! -You were kicking the Gatorade machine.
Of course, I remember.
I had inserted my dollar bill with Washington's face up, as per the diagram, and was vended nothing.
-Did you ever write that letter? -Indeed I did.
The matter still pends.
-Aah! So, did you sign up for the tournament? -Uh, well, I was going to, but, uh, I just found out my, uh, customary partner has made other plans this year.
Well, would you be interested in playing mixed doubles? I'm a girls PE teacher, so it'd be nice to play with a guy for a change.
Well, thanks for the offer, but after what I've just been through, I'm not sure I'm ready to partner up again.
That's too bad.
I've seen you play.
We'd make a good team.
You already resorting to playing with the girls, Frasier? No offense, sweetie.
Excuse me.
Nice shot, partner! .
Here we are.
Hello, all! You'll never guess who just won their squash tournament! If only we had a big, shiny clue.
Well, hey, that's great news.
Congratulations! -Well, I owe it all to my partner.
-Oh, thank you, partner.
But I think it's really due to our partnership.
Aha, well, now you know what they say: there's no "I" in "team.
" Like there is in "Niles!" -So here, Dad.
Check it out! -Well, would you look at that! I didn't think I'd ever see the day one of my boys would win a trophy that didn't have a book on it.
Now all that's left on my list is shake hands with Hank Aaron, kiss Sally Field on the mouth, and then I can go on and be with your mother.
You know, Jim and I may have our own trophy soon.
We're still alive in the men's doubles bracket.
Oh, please, Niles, your partner couldn't be carrying you any more if he put you in a Snugli and strapped you to his stomach.
Well, I'm proud of both of you.
And squash might not be the toughest of sports, but it's still technically a sport.
What? Squash can be pretty tough.
Oh, no! No, no.
I once saw a man break his leg in a mid-court collision.
The bone was poking through his skin, and he still finished the point.
-That's the game you guys play? -Hell, yeah! -Frasier, do you mind if I use your phone? -No, of course not.
I'll tell you what.
Come use the one in the other room.
That'll give you some privacy.
After you, my lady.
You know, Dad, when Jim and I win our trophies, I'm going to give mine to you.
Thank you, son! But I don't want you moping around here if your brother wins one and you don't.
-Oh, please, Dad, I'm a little more mature than that.
-No, you're not.
It still bugs you that his name comes first alphabetically.
Well, that was your fault.
-Your girlfriend seems nice.
-She is nice, but she's certainly not my girlfriend.
I do find her attractive, but I'm not sure I'm anything more than a teammate to her.
-Well, from what I've seen, I'd say she likes you a lot.
-Really? She did kiss me once.
But I think that was just in an overflow of emotion after one of our victories.
You know, I suppose that happens all the time on sports teams.
It doesn't! Of course I can't speak for the Canadian leagues.
Well, truth be told, now that there's not the excitement of the tournament to fuel the fires, I don't think we really have much in common in the real world.
You have your ostentations trophies.
Well, it was good seeing you all, but I have to get going.
-Oh, so soon? -You just got here.
-I have an early faculty meeting.
I'll walk you out.
-Come back! -Bye! -Bye! -Bye! -See ya! -Congratulations.
-Well, I, uh, I certainly had a great time the last few weeks.
-Me too.
Call me again if you want to play sometime.
I don't suppose you'd want to take this to the next level? Oh, I gave up my dream of professional squash years ago.
That's not what I meant.
Um, maybe I could think of another way to put it.
-Hi, Daph! -Hey, I didn't expect to see you here.
-Niles said you were going out with Chelsea.
-Oh, yes, I just thought I'd stop by for a quick pick-me-up -before I pick her up.
-Does she laugh at that kind of stuff? -You know, she does.
-Hold on to this one.
-I intend to.
Uh, espresso, please.
You know, every day I learn something new about her.
She enjoys reading poetry in the bath.
She's an excellent cook.
It's like she's the perfect girl for me.
Well, I think you make a lovely couple.
Even though Niles can't believe you're dating a gym teacher.
He says it's a betrayal of your younger selves.
Yes, it's perfectly understandable.
We didn't have much luck with gym teachers when we were kids.
They were always so derisive and ego-crippling.
There was this one in particular, Coach Fuller.
He was the worst.
The kind of man that would make the whole class wait while you did your pushup.
It was so traumatizing, you know, I would actually lose my lunch before gym period.
Except on those days when my lunch money was stolen.
Then I'd just dry heave.
Niles has tons of stories like that.
You know perhaps getting to know Chelsea will help Niles to exorcise his demons -and put them behind him.
-He's running out of room back there.
-Hey, Roz! -Hey, Daphne.
-You all right? -Well, I was fine until I saw Julia in the parking lot.
-Why does she have to come here? -For God's sake, Roz, I'm a little tired of hearing you complain about Julia all the time.
Why don't you just give her a chance? How about her? I've been working with her for over a month and she shows me no respect.
She's mean and arrogant, but not in a funny way like you.
Could I have a latte, please? Listen, the woman took a portion of my show to do her financial drivel.
You don't hear me complaining about her all the time.
Now enough is enough.
-Juliawhy don't you come and join us? -Oh, all right.
Thank you.
Hello, Frasier.
Well, isn't this nice.
All right, it's come to my attention that there is some tension between the two of you.
Now, as it is entirely possible that we will be spending a great deal of time together, I think it's important that we establish an environment of mutual respect.
To that end, as it is impossible for the two of you to communicate at all, it's time for me to roll up my sleeves and facilitate.
Finding some common ground would be the first step, perhaps a love of plants, the seed -You sure love to hear yourself talk.
-And it's impossible to tune him out.
-How can you stand it? -The key is to know when to say "uh-huh.
" Fine, fine, all right.
If I am your common ground, so be it.
-Please feel free to tread upon me.
-Uh-huh.
-The important thing is that you're talking.
Communication -Just go! Okay, he's gone.
Slowly.
Oh.
Be with you in a minute.
You can wait in my office.
Very nice, nice All right, concentrate! Very good, alright! "Please excuse my daughter Ruby from P.
E.
" She has a 'delibitating' disease.
" Nice try, Ruby.
Okay, who didn't climb rope yet? Campbell, you're up! Oh, I'd forgotten how it felt to sneak a kiss in school.
It always looked like fun.
-So I'll be finished here in a second and then we can go.
-Great, great, I thought we'd try this new place.
I just Campbell, you're not even trying! -Sorry, you were saying?.
.
-Yeah, I read a great review of this new restaurant.
Apparently the chef is from No one is leaving until Campbell climbs the rope! Excuse me for a moment.
Come on! You can sleep through English! Toughen up, you can do it! Let's go, Campbell! Everybody's waiting! Come on, Crane! Nobody is going home -until you haul that fat bucket of lard to the top! -I can't! Just give me a few minutes, and I'll be ready to go.
-Oh, I just need you to do one thing.
-Drop and give me 20, Crane! -I beg your pardon? -Could you just round up the basketballs and put them in the rack over there? Thanks.
Frasier, Niles has something he needs to tell you.
Go on, tell him, I'm sick of hearing you complain! I made a mistake partnering with Jim.
Our styles never really meshed, which wasn't my fault, but that didn't stop him from losing his temper during a match, and he yelled at me.
With you, it was different.
You brought honor to the game.
Rejoin me, Frasier, and together we can rekindle the magic.
Please, take him back.
I cannot listen to another draft of this speech.
-I'll see you at home, sweetie.
-Thanks, hon.
-Niles, I'll gladly re-team with you.
-Just like that? I expected you to gloat and rub it in, make me suffer.
Don't you care? My apologies, Niles, it's just that I'm a little distracted about something that happened yesterday at Chelsea's school.
I'm sorry, but that reminds me.
Chelsea sent me the sweetest gift after Jim and I were eliminated from the tournament.
-It's an actual squash with a smiley face drawn on it.
-That's cute.
You know, when you first started dating her, I couldn't get past the fact that she was a gym teacher.
But she's proven to be nothing like I expected.
Kudos to you.
-Well, not sure I deserve such praise.
-No, no, don't be so modest, Frasier.
You truly have a gift for seeing the inner beauty of a person.
I do try.
Speak of the devil.
Here's Dad and Chelsea now.
-Hey, guys.
Look who I ran into.
-Hello, Dad.
Hi, Chelsea! Niles.
Hello, sweetie! -That's a lovely outfit.
-Really? You think so, huh? I thought it might be a little racy, but then I thought, what the hell.
-What do you think, Frasier? -Oh, uh, it's very becoming.
Thank you.
Just let me grab a drink and we'll be ready to go.
I usually stay out of your love affairs, son, but you've got a good one here.
Definitely a keeper.
Yes, and might I add, and excuse my gutter speak, hubba, hubba! Back to our best behavior, there's a lady present! I'm ready, sweetie! "Love is a smoke raised in the fume of sighs, being purged, a fire sparkling in a lover's eyes" -You all right? -What? I'm fine.
"I am a vessel.
Come tenderly and fill me with the nectar of your love.
" So I figure since you're the financial guru, you could help me out.
Now obviously, I don't want to get involved in some get-rich-quick scheme, but I do need to make a lot of money really fast.
So what have you got? I don't like to talk about work when I'm outside the office.
-Thank you.
-Right.
Me neither.
-Hey, there's Roz! Hey, Roz, come join us.
-I don't think so.
No, no, no, I won't take "no" for an answer.
Now, you sit down.
-Hi, Julia.
-Roz.
Well, I know girl talk when I hear it.
Bye.
-I'll go this time.
-Thanks.
You know, maybe Frasier was right.
Would it kill us to make some effort -to be civil? -I guess not.
Thanks.
-So, your show was good today.
-Yes, it was.
Andand -your producing was topnotch.
-Thanks.
-Sugar? -Please.
-Well, this isn't so bad.
-No, it's not.
-Maybe we just got off on the wrong foot.
-Well, when you first started, you know, I just thought you were kind of a bitch for ordering everybody around.
That's totally my fault.
I have a tendency to be patronizing to, um, entry-level employees.
You know, I was going to say something earlier, but when I heard your first show, I figured you wouldn't be here long.
Well, you certainly made an impression on me.
I remember, I kept thinking: "Who did she sleep with to get this job?" And then I found out.
Everybody! That's a good one! You know, there's a plunger in the bathroom, what do you say we go look for your career? Great! While we're in there I can get your phone number.
Don't bother, it's 1-800-BITE ME.
-"Bite me," that's the best that you've got? -Oh, I could spend half an hour on your hair.
-Well, you should have spent half an hour on your hair.
-Oh, really? -It's closing time, ladies, I'm afraid you'll have to leave.
-But we're just warming up.
You know, there's a place down the street that, uh, is open all night.
-Just like your mouth? -Just like your legs? Hey, wait up! So, we're just going to go to sleep, huh? I'm really tired.
-You sure you don't want to watch TV or get something to eat? -No.
-I know someone who's ticklish! -Oh, no, stop, stop, stop! Okay, Frasier.
You've been acting weird all day.
What's going on? -Well, it's a little complicated.
-What is? Is there a problem? Yes, Chelsea, there is.
It disturbed me yesterday when I saw you yelling at that little girl on the rope.
I couldn't believe how harsh you were.
You may not realize it, but that can have a crippling effect on a child.
What? I didn't think I was being excessively harsh.
-I was just trying to motivate her.
-Yes, well, the way you were shouting, it was hard to tell.
When you're a child, all you know is you're being singled out.
I have no right to tell you how to do your job, it's my problem, not yours.
No, no, you may have a point.
Maybe I do push too hard.
Sometimes, I forget just how fragile kids can be.
Really? You agree with me? Yes, I do.
Thank you, Frasier.
It's sweet of you to care so much.
Well, you're worth caring about.
Now, come on, let's go have a nice romantic dinner.
Okay, let me just go get ready.
You know, when I heard you shouting at that little girl today, -I swear, it just brought back a flood of memories from my own childhood.
-Really? Oh, yeah.
You know, my gym teacher was constantly yelling at me because I couldn't do a single pull-up, or a lap around the track.
-Not even one? -Oh, please.
I was a very late bloomer.
.
I could barely do a jumping jack without getting a nosebleed.
And let's not begin to talk about the climbing rope! There we go, all done! Well, what do you say I get us a table at Petite Auberge? They do an excellent veal chop.
Okay.
After you, milady.