Modern Family s10e15 Episode Script

1 Oh, Super Bowl The plays, the plays, they're calling From end to end And - Oh! - What happened? Do I call the nine and the one and the other one? Why is my fridge filled with non-football-related foods on Super Bowl Sunday? There's no room for my Jerry Rice pudding.
Haley's baby shower is today.
I cleared it with you, like, a month ago.
Can't you just record the game? And what? Watch it tomorrow morning? Look.
There's no reason a football game and a baby shower can't co-exist under the same roof.
Maybe you won't get in my way.
Baby showers are pretty tame.
Who's ready for a baby show-ahhh?! Ha! Mmm.
I'm making White Russians for the baby show-ahhh.
A little liquid courage makes all the naughty games better.
I think you're mixing up baby shower with bridal shower.
Well, my bridal shower did take place when I was pregnant.
The cops even showed up.
Of course, they weren't real cops.
One of them rubbed his butt against my belly.
Don't tell Haley.
- Or how about, "Don't tell Alex"? - Mm.
Super Bowl squares here! Get your Super Bowl squares! No.
Not this again.
Uh, actually, we've made some refinements.
Last year, the price was a little high.
The year before, too low.
So this year, we've landed on the perfect number.
$3.
75 per square.
I'll do what I did last year.
- Give me 11 squares.
- Okay.
Easy enough.
- Um - Uh No.
No Super Bowl math on the baby shower side.
Go over there.
I'm telling you, you look cute.
You know what's not cute? Lying to me.
This gets better once they come out, right? - What happened? - Well, my last pair of jeans exploded, I can't wear skirts because my thighs are growing hair faster than I can shave it, so I'm wearing ski pants to my own baby shower.
- I'm telling you, no one's even gonna notice.
- Oh What's that sound? It's like when the doors on the starship Enterprise open.
Hey, you guys want to buy a Super Bowl square? Only $3.
75.
Cool.
Can I take three squares? Yeah, I need something good today, too.
We'll split five squares.
Uh do you have quarters? Oh, I don't carry change since the last time I got struck by lightning.
Hello, Phillip.
Hello, Manuel.
Against my better judgment, I wrote a part for Phil in my new movie.
Things got heated, words were exchanged, which is surprising, considering he had a mouthful of scenery.
Actors.
Writers.
They think they're so great.
"Oh, my words are so precious.
" Try listening for once.
Maybe you'll learn how humans actually talk.
Wait, is it is it "talk" or "speak"? Oh, that's right.
No one cares! Hello, hello.
I'm here for the Super Bowl.
- And I am here for the baby shower.
- Okay, yep.
I'm here for some sort of punishment, I think.
Hmm.
Lily and her friend, Christina, got into a huge fight.
And I was hoping we could have the girls sit down and talk it out.
But Mitchell said "no," Christina's in the wrong.
And apparently, Mitchell's the law.
He is.
Lily, you're very lucky to have such a wise papa.
- Mm-hmm.
- Assistant District Attorney Pritchett is a hero.
Huh.
So this one thinks you're cool now? Okay, Gloria loves crime stories, especially women who kill their husbands.
And I recently prosecuted the Bel Air Black Widow.
She came to court every single day.
We find the defendant guilty.
Yes! Whoop, whoop! Hey, Counselor.
This isn't over.
Lady, you're like me in high school, cause you ain't gonna be coming out for 17 years! Boom goes the dynamite! Cam, have a bowl of my famous chili.
I didn't know you made chili.
I know all about Jay's damn chili.
We talked about it last year on this very day.
Promises were made.
Next year, I'm getting you your own football chair and you're gonna help me make my famous chili.
5:00 a.
m.
Be there or be square.
You know, I never entirely felt Jay's approval, so this was a big step for us.
I counted the days.
Then Super Bowl Eve, I went and I bought the finest chili thickeners corn flour and potato flour.
And I showed up an hour before dawn.
I called Jay's cell as to not startle Gloria.
Hey, what's up? He had no idea why I was calling.
Clearly promises made didn't mean as much to him.
But I couldn't let him know that.
Oh, uh, Jay, is th is that you? I-I must I must've butt-dialed you.
Why else would I be calling you so early on a regular Sunday morning? Sorry.
I felt like a jilted lover standing on his porch, holding those beautiful flours.
- Oh.
- You can't hide in here all day.
To me, you've never been hotter, and I've seen you hitchhike in a bikini.
There you are.
I'm sorry you're having a bad day, uh but I thought you should know, I invited Danielle.
Danielle? Ugh, she's so annoying.
Everything she says sounds like a question? But it's not? Yeah, but she's in her, like, thousandth month of pregnancy.
Oh, my God.
That means I won't be the grossest preggo here.
Bless you.
Oh.
Thanks.
And thanks for inviting me today.
Of course.
You're the baby's father.
Yeah, but it's a family thing, and I don't always feel like I belong.
Sometimes they look at me like the proverbial bird in the punch bowl.
Almost.
Uh, three times I'm sorry, but every way you look at it, Dylan comes up short.
And Haley's totally getting rooked.
Oh! Okay, well, that's interesting.
Um, they lost track of the Black Widow at the county jail.
- She escaped? - Mm-hmm.
- Are you scared? - What?! Exactly! - She should be scared of you.
- Mm.
If she's smart, that young lady will run and keep running.
Mm-hmm.
What spice is in here? Is it Is that dill? Why the hell is dill in here? It's a It's a catastrophe.
So, I'm just gonna repurpose some of this hair to cover the bald spot and zits - Zits?! - And "zits" gonna look amazing.
Ta da! - Ta da?! - Yeah.
I have a huge gut and a comb-over.
I look like a divorced dentist.
Oh, Danielle! You look so good.
Why? It's the magic of pregnancy? #Blessed? What the hell?! Alex said it was okay if I came early? Haley, I'm so happy for you? I need Dylan.
Where is Dylan? Where's Dylan? Haley's not gonna find Dylan.
He's gone, and it's everybody's fault! What is up with all the funeral faces? Come on, people, this is supposed to be - a baby show-ahhh.
- Don't say "show-ahhh".
Nobody wants it.
Okay.
So, Dylan misunderstood a bunch of the things he heard us say, got upset, and ran off.
Let's not pretend this was some mistake or Dylan being oversensitive.
We've all given him plenty of reasons to feel unwelcome in this family.
And some of us do have a meanness.
I'll leave it at that.
A monstrous cruelty.
Enough said.
Sadistic.
My family is really chill? You were a mistake.
Okay, Haley's being occupied by Luke, so we have some time.
We just have to find Dylan without letting Haley know he's run away.
That kind of sounds like a shower problem, though.
I don't know how fair it is to bring in - the Super Bowl folk into this.
- Hey! My big sister gave me the honor of hosting her shower, and it's gonna be great.
So, the one person who might know where Dylan went, Haley, is the one person who can't know he's missing.
That's what I call a dramatic situation.
Shouldn't you be directing the life out of it? Joe, where does Dylan like to go when he's depressed? Alex, he likes him, but it's not like Park, pet store, guitar shop.
What? I follow his Instagram.
He finds beauty in the mundane.
Okay.
We'll search for Dylan in teams.
- Mitch, Gloria park.
- Score.
- Guitar store Cam, Jay.
- Um And the pet store Phil, Manny, go.
- Actually, could I trade? - Your pretty face for one that's been freshly whooped? Try me! Would it be possible if I could - Move! - Ah, they'll have a bathroom at the store.
He's not stuck in the tube slide.
Ah, it was too much to hope he'd be where we found him when Mister Rogers died.
Oh.
"You messed with the wrong girl.
I'm coming for you.
" Who is this? That's Bel Air.
The Black Widow is out and already threatening you? This is good.
You get to catch her and be a hero again.
You know, maybe I should I should send the Black Widow a a "no hard feelings" text.
- No.
- No? What you said in court was right.
That animal deserved no mercy.
She deserves a cage.
Well, you know, I said some things, she said some things.
It's Wait, um "I am not afraid.
- Bring it on.
" - I Oh, okay.
All bullies are the same.
They act like they're tough, but when you punch 'em in the nose, they back down.
Yeah.
"I know where you live.
You're dead.
" That response is rare.
There he is.
Dylan.
Hey, Dylan! Oh, sorry.
That's the third time I've made that exact same mistake.
Makes me wonder about some of my dates in 'Nam.
Well, he ain't here.
Let's go.
My famous chili has been simmering since 5:00 a.
m.
Y-You know, it is funny that you keep calling your chili "famous" when I find it a little forgettable.
Cam, I'm a successful man.
Captain of industry, made out with a Gabor sister, and if I can swing a few more board votes, we break ground on the Pritchett School of Closet Science at Ohio State.
Not really sweating your take on my chili.
He'd hurt me deeply.
I kept mentioning chili 'cause, you know, I was trying to jog his memory, 'cause we were supposed to make it together.
I've waited my whole life for a special Super Bowl buddy, someone who understands it isn't just a game.
It's a 15-hour, 4-meal, 2-shirt, 1-nap experience, and I thought Cam could be that buddy.
Then I started worrying Cam might forget a date we set a year ago.
He remembered.
He remembered, Stella! Be cool.
Hey, what's up? Oh, butt-dial.
No, I see.
Yeah, take it easy.
Nose print, man's face high, direct eye-line to baby bunnies.
Dylan was here.
This guy's about to have a kid.
- What kind of adult male - They're waking up.
They're waking up.
Hey, look, he's not here.
Let's just get back to the parties.
Ooh, I got to stop at that laundromat across the street.
It'll take a second.
I just need change for my squares.
Funny.
You're so focused when it's your passion project.
Y-You know what, Manny? You're right.
That whole thing was my bad.
Thanks, Phil.
Let me get both these doors so you and your ego can fit inside.
I don't know how you can get mad at me after posting that humiliating video.
- What video? - Don't play dumb.
- Me cold.
- Cut! "I'm so cold.
" Not "Me cold.
" Not "I'm not not cold.
" Not "Ice, ice baby.
" No humans say those things! It is so difficult to build a performance with a constant barrage of notes! Note! Say the line! Three words! You know what three words I'd like to hear? "Nice death, Phil!" I'm just trying to [bleep.]
help you, you [bleep.]
diva [bleep.]
! And you keep [bleep.]
yourself.
Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid! Unbelievable! Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid! Fortunately, it cut off right before I really lost it.
Manny, why would I post a video calling myself a "terrible actor"? Huh.
Could've been my editor.
During a particularly intense creative discussion, I may have slapped him in front of his girlfriend.
Phil, I'm sorry.
I think the reason I got frustrated is only partly due to your infuriating incompetence.
Was that so hard? Between us, I've applied to transfer to somewhere I can major in accounting or law.
Something safe.
I've started to question if I have any talent as a filmmaker.
Let's find out.
You got your film with you? On my phone.
We have a perfect test audience.
Take a chance.
Let's, uh Let's see what you got.
Okay.
I mean, I got my projector.
And a screen.
- All right.
I'll set it up.
- Great.
Meanwhile, I'll warm up the crowd with a magic trick.
Excuse me.
I need everyone to put their wallets in this pillow case and turn and face the wall.
Well, that's it.
No one knows where Dylan is.
They better.
Her friends are gonna be here in 20 minutes the same ones who at a graduation party voted her most likely to be pregnant and alone.
- Hmm.
- Like I always say it's better to have no friends than mean friends.
Well Dylan's always been a runner.
God, you remember when he was a blond? Ugh, I called him "Lady Dye-Job" and he ran off, and I had to track him down I know where Dylan is.
I know where he is! Dylan.
Hey, Dylan, open up.
It's Claire.
Dylan: I I don't want to talk, Mrs.
D.
Look, I realize you're upset.
But those things that Cam and Mitch and Luke and Phil and Gloria said, they're they were just, uh, silly misunderstandings.
Okay.
But what about what you said? You realize we're gonna have to baby-proof all the cabinets at home, right? Think of how cute it'll be watching Dylan try to get into them.
I shouldn't have said that, and I obviously didn't realize What? That I would get that joke? The insult set it up, Mrs.
D.
- "Lady Dye-Job" has feelings.
- Oh, Dylan.
Dylan, come on.
Honey, the party is starting Please.
I I'm sorry.
I'm leaving.
Open up.
It's Mr.
Gonzales, the parking attendant.
I'm not an idiot, Mrs.
D.
I know you just went to get Mr.
Gonzales so you could run in here when I open the door for him.
Hey.
Hey.
Hey, Dylan? Dylan? Dyl Ohh, damn it! Can we hurry? I want to get back so I can apologize to Christina.
Oh, no.
Lily, why risk your heart? Christina will just hurt you.
I couldn't agree more, Lily.
If Christina doesn't appreciate your warmth, your humor, your great stories, she's just not worth it.
Oh, maybe she'll regret taking you for granted when she's old and alone in that big house and realizes all that money can't keep her warm.
What is happening? Movies in a laundromat now? Can't hipsters just let a thing be a thing? There is much I wish to say to you, Alexei, not just now, but for long time.
How could one slight cost 20 years friendship? Silly 19th century Russian pride? Why we not have courage to take chance on love? Fools, us humans.
It's not too late.
It is for me, my great, great friend.
I go now to grand Kremlin in the sky.
It's chilly.
Chili.
Why did he have to mention that? We were supposed to cook together this morning, Cam.
I waited for you.
But I was there on your front porch with flours.
You remembered the thickeners? Of course I did.
I thought you forgot.
I have an identical one for you! Oh, Jay, you don't know how much this means to me! Lily, you you have to apologize to Christina.
That's right.
Don't be like me and Cam and Sergei and Alexei.
- Pride is poison! - Yes, open your heart! Let yourself love! Jay So, nobody's wondering why Uncle Phil is starring in a laundromat movie? N-No-o-o-o! So? It's not very good.
I knew it.
I wasted my time.
But it's much better than the last one, and there was one moment when Count Ivanovich was was playing chess with the bear that really moved me.
Well, that was supposed to be the emotional gestalt of the piece.
You can hear me stifle a sob in the cut because my boom operator was undermining me.
You had an astonishingly toxic set.
Listen, Manny, if I was your dad, I might tell you to play it safe with your career.
But as a fan, I'm dying to see what you come up with next.
- Really? - Yeah.
I've been watching you make up stories since you were this big.
I want to see how it ends.
Not that.
I-I want to see how this ends.
Thanks, Phil.
I would like to keep trying, maybe something not so commercial.
That's great.
I do think it's the end of the road for me as a thespian, though.
Probably best.
Well, I did have a part in my next film for a guy your age, but you'd have to grow a Fu Manchu moustache and gain 40 pounds in two weeks.
I'll be ready Tuesday.
- Cilantro.
- Yes.
- Diced red onion? - You are good.
Hey, don't run away with the rest of that.
- Ugh, what am I looking at? - Mmm.
Mitch, come here.
Show them how to be a real man.
He has been getting threatening texts all day from a fugitive, and he hasn't even flinched.
Well, they're lucky they're pretty, right? Daddy, can I borrow your phone? I want to apologize to Christina.
Lily, no.
His phone might be evidence - in a murder trial.
- Whose? Sweetie, have you been using Daddy's phone to text your friend? Yeah, and I said some mean stuff.
She's probably been texting me back.
My God.
Okay, okay.
"I'm I'm right outside your house.
This ends now.
" Oh! "P.
S.
, your hair's ugly.
" It's a bluff.
She's not out there.
I mean, if you want to go check, check.
You know, us weaklings would feel so much better - if you would just take a quick look.
- Please.
Well, as as lawman and protector, that is something that I I can do.
- Hey.
- Ohh! Thank you for this, Dylan, and I appreciate you forgiving me for the dumb thing I said earlier.
Who said I forgave you? I'm only treating your injury because you're a guest in my home.
I know it may seem that I haven't always accepted you, but when I met you, you were an 18-year-old in a leather jacket dating my 15-year-old daughter.
I get it.
You were trying to protect your daughter from a guy like me, but I haven't been a guy like me for a long time.
Bend for me.
It's hard, Dylan.
I have been a mama bear for so long - No, your elbow.
- Oh.
Okay.
It's j It's all happening so fast.
But it is happening.
I'm about to be the father to your grandbabies.
Reach out a little.
I meant emotionally.
Oh.
I can look myself in the mirror and know that I've tried my hardest to make our relationship work.
Can you do the same? Go ahead.
Here, let me give you some light.
Oops, uh, not that one.
No.
There are a lot of ways for a family to grow Touchdown! finding interests you didn't know you shared - Eh - Come on, I've got two weeks! Blur your eyes.
Look at this.
finding new challenges to embark on together But it takes a lot of work.
The best way for families to grow is by adding to them.
So this is to the newest members of our family.
I look forward to getting to know all of you.
- Love you.
- Cheers.
I'm f-f f-freezing.
Cut! Could it be any colder? No! Fur hat weather, no? No! "I'm so cold.
" "I'm so cold.
" "I'm so cold!" And action.
Um brr, am I right? You gotta be kidding me!