QI (2003) s10e15 Episode Script

This programme contains some strong language.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Go-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-d evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, and welcome to QI.
Now, the journey of a thousand miles begins with a single question, where the hell did I leave my passport? I lost mine in a plane once - and it had gone down under the cushion of my seat.
- Oh! Yeah.
- The actual plane seat.
- Yeah.
I once had to have a I was on the plane for ages, I refused to get off the plane.
You have to have your seat disassembled.
And eventually I found it.
- That was the end of the story.
- Oh! That's a beautiful story.
That is That is a lovely, lovely story.
Is it specifically you, where did you leave YOUR passport? No, it's this technique.
The University of Wisconsin.
When you lose something, it actually helps to say the name of the thing that you have lost, or you are looking for.
- Dignity.
- Yes, for example! Very good.
- Brilliant.
You see? Exactly.
- For me that would make it worse.
That would just draw attention to it.
- Your wallet has a name?! - Well, no, just "Peregrine! Peregrine! "Bah! "Peregrine?" That's how - It might work.
- It has now.
Yes, from now on, it will be called Peregrine.
But anyway, that's not the point.
The point is, for example, you open a cutlery drawer and where the hell's the garlic peeler? But if you just say garlic peeler, garlic peeler Yes, the garlic peeler, again, of course.
- "Andrew! Andrew!" - You're missing my point about names here.
I just mean the word we give the thing.
Its normal description as found in a dictionary, not from a list of given names.
It isn't Julian the cheese grater.
- Have you ever had a macaroni pie? - I don't believe such a thing exists.
- Have you? - Yes, I have.
- Yes? I had one in Glasgow last week, it's the most astonishing thing.
It's a pie, but it's filled with macaroni cheese.
You look at it and you think, "I am going to have a heart attack.
" Immediately, before you've eaten it.
Sandi came up to my home town, and I thought I could show her many of the delights of my home town, or I could take her to a bus stop and give her a macaroni pie.
And so we stood, because if you eat it outside, it's like al fresco, it's European.
- And we stood just in a bus stop - Yes.
In the pouring rain.
Two lesbians eating a macaroni pie in the middle of Glasgow, - it created quite a stir.
- Yes.
How many times have you dreamt of two lesbians eating a macaroni pie? Let's be honest.
Girl on girl macaroni pie action.
Stephen, I'm out of my comfort zone, I'm out of my comfort zone.
- Well, in America - That's niche.
That's niche.
- In America they - SUSAN: "That's niche!" Adults are to blame, they always read into things, something filthy with the children's stuff.
- I know, they do, they do.
- You know.
What's that one, Bert and Ernie? - They always thought something was going on there.
- Yeah.
- With those two sleeping together.
- Yes.
I mean, obviously, there is something going on there, but that's fine.
- That's a bad example.
- Yeah, that's right.
I know.
Noddy, there's another one.
- You know, something's going on there with those shoes.
- Yes.
They're marvellous.
Though sometimes there genuinely is, do you know what I mean? - Like - Yes.
Anal Witness 4, for example, - there's only one way of looking at it.
- Well, that But like, I sort of read, I think having kids you do read into Like Fireman Sam, you know Fireman Sam? - Here we go, what's wrong with him? - Listen to this.
This is a social issue, right.
You know Norman, the kid who sets all the fires? - Oh yeah, he's annoying.
- "Norman!" - He's annoying.
He's naughty.
- "Norman, have you been setting fires?!" - You know him, right.
He's this little ginger I've not got anything against ginger people, I'm just stating a fact, he's a little ginger kid.
But he's from a single parent family again, I'm just letting you know the facts, right, never, we never know his dad.
One episode I was watching, they did a group photo of the whole of the village.
Fireman Sam took his helmet off, he's the only other ginger in the village.
- Oh! - That's all I'm saying.
Those fires - cry for help.
- That's what they are.
- Wow! - That's what they are.
- Whoa.
"I just want to know who my dad is!" That's what he's doing.
But I've got an interesting experiment, and I do love, as you know, to do an interesting experiment.
- He does love an experiment.
- Now these will represent red ants.
And this is just I just find this magical.
It's something you can do at home, ladies and gentlemen, this is what's fun about it.
- And - Will we form an island and swim across the jar of water? No.
This is red coloured sand and this is floating on top.
You'll notice wherever I drop it, it tends to start clinging together.
So you've got Here's your little raft of red ants, there they are, in the water.
And I can put my finger in it like that and my finger will come out completely dry.
- Absolutely dry.
- That's bizarre.
- Holy cow! Yeah, there you are, there you are.
And I've got no sand on my finger at all.
And it just But Are you a devil? Watch this.
This will excite you.
- I'm going to pour all this in here.
- Blue ants are attacking red ants! Yeah, all these blue ants here, it's just horrible.
And look at that, it's all clustered down below.
But this is the magic part.
I get my spoon and I get all this sand that's underwater now, and I just pick up a little bit of it like so.
- And it's completely dry.
- Hey! - It's utterly dry.
- Witchcraft! - Sorcery! - Burn him! - It's completely dry.
It is, look.
- Witch! - There it is.
Sand, absolutely dry, even though there are odd drops of water next to it.
- Isn't that magical? - That really is.
- GREG: That's just sand and water? Well, I can tell you.
It's the special nature of the sand.
It's been, as it were, coated.
And without wishing to give away the name of a brand of spray that you are encouraged when you buy suede shoes to use to protect your suede shoes, that might be called something that rhymed with Gotch Scard If you wanted to try this experiment at home, you would get a can of that Gotch Scard and spray the sand with it, and you will be able to amaze your friends, if, but only if, you're as sad as I am.
And there you are.
Hooray! APPLAUSE Where did Beethoven put his Jingling Johnny? BELL RINGS - Yes, Sarah? - Mrs Beethoven? Somebody had to say it.
- Jingling Johnny? - Yes.
What do you think? I can't imagine a Jingling Johnny, and it's something that the good folk at Durex have obviously missed out on.
A seasonal range, that actually, you know, with a bell in the, um Ohhh! You'd be going like the clappers.
- With holly round it.
- Yeah.
Be nice.
- Flavours, flavours.
- With holly round it? I'd stop you - Ooh, turkey.
- Ohh - Stuffing! Well, how lovely to start our PHILL: Plum duff.
Imagine, and as a special treat as you walk into the bedroom, a little brandy on it.
Wooofff! PAINED: "Happy Christmas! Oh!" I'll take that copy of Fifty Shades Of Grey away from you.
What did Watson do twice as often as Holmes? Oh, I don't want to say now.
- I guess he had more time on his hands.
- Stick with it, stick with it.
- Oh, no, I do know.
- Yes? - It's, er It'sejaculate.
Ejaculate is the right answer.
APPLAUSE This is the one thing I know about Sherlock Holmes, because it's in the book.
- Yes.
- It's an old term meaning to - To exclaim.
- Exclaim.
- Expostulate.
He's constantly, "'But Holmes!' I ejaculated.
" You get a lot.
I mean, the books are brilliant anyway, but every twenty pages that happens and you go, "Hur hur hur" Yes, there are 23 ejaculations in the canon, as it's known.
BILL: Oh, Christ! - The canon is the - And one up the spout! - Oh! - As in the word canonical.
- I give to you the canon.
- Yeah.
- Stand back.
- Yes.
There's approximately coming your way.
- I'm so wishing - Stand by! JIMMY: - You're a very lucky lady.
- Watson ejaculates 11 times.
- Christ on a bike! Holmes, on one occasion, refers to Watson's ejaculations of wonder being invaluable to his art.
Watson does ejaculate from his very heart, in the direction of his fiancee.
Holmes gives six.
But there is one which it's quite hard to tell who it is.
So - JIMMY: That can happen, Stephen.
- Who's ejaculating here? Let's just, let's just imagine.
"So he sat as I dropped off to sleep, and so he sat "when a sudden ejaculation caused me to wake up, and I found" BILL: Oh no, he's having one now.
Have you ever been woken up by a sudden ejaculation? You've talked enough about your dreams.
There's a fellow called Phelps in the wonderful story The Naval Treaty, he ejaculates three times, actually.
And the only other ejaculator is Mrs St Clair's husband, who ejaculates from a second floor window.
This is the most fun I have ever had on this show.
Name something interesting you can do with a Slinky.
- Well, it's a - Well, you can't untangle it.
That's certainly Oh God, I got through so many as a child.
They're the most, it is the most You go to the top of the stairs, and look at this, it's Oh no! And then that would be it.
We've given you some stairs, in fact, you can take your stairs - and your Slinky out and demonstrate.
- Oh, wow, are there Slinkys? There may be young people here who've never had the excitement.
- You can attach - This is I'm going back, look at that! - Yay! Isn't that fun? They're the best thing.
Oh dear, you may have pointed it in the wrong direction.
- I'm literally the happiest man in the world.
- Brilliant.
- Hey! He invented this out of He was a suspension designer, wasn't he? He was a naval officer, his name was Richard James.
And it was in 194 - It's called the Alan Effect.
- Just what - No! You don't do it like that.
You lift the top.
JEREMY: Somebody go and get him a Raleigh Chopper.
How can you not work a Slinky?! How can you not do that? Yeah! CHEERING Can you imagine giving this to a child now and going, "That's it, that's your gift.
" Happy Christmas.
" But didn't he invent it by accident? He was making coiled springs and he invented He was an American naval officer.
He literally knocked over a spring, and it went for a walk, and he thought, "Oh, that's interesting.
" So he developed and experimented and came up with the Slinky.
- And more than - Look, to be fair, it was his wife - who thought it would make a good toy.
- Yes, it's true.
Let us remember that sometimes women get overlooked in these things.
More than 300 million were sold, which is an incredible number.
All to me, because I kept breaking them.
- I know, because they tangle up.
- Now if you'll put them away Do you mind if I keep the stairs? There's a few shelves in the kitchen that I still can't reach.
You're very welcome.
But what we do have is a very extraordinary effect that happens if you drop a Slinky, which is that when you let go of it, the bottom does not move.
Watch the film and you'll see what I mean.
It's actually really astonishing.
It's a very peculiar effect.
Watch the bottom of the Slinky, as it actually happens, in very high speed camera.
The bottom is completely still.
- Isn't that amazing? - Oh wow.
- Wow! That is a really bizarre effect.
I can't explain quite why that happens.
- Oh, I bet James May could.
- He probably could.
Tell me your Ken Dodd story.
A broadcaster of some description went to interview a politician, a British politician, and he saw this wonderful picture as he perceived of Ken Dodd, on the wall.
And the politician came in and the guy said, "Oh, that's wonderful, "Ken Dodd, I mean, he's just one of the greatest, "greatest comedians this country has ever produced.
" And the man said, "Do you mind? That's my wife.
" - I want to know who the politician is - No, I wouldn't.
- .
.
whose wife looks like Ken Dodd! - It's true, true.
Meet my wife, or Doddy as I call her.
"What a fine day, what a fine day to marry a politician.
- "I'm telling you.
" I love it.
- And in came the children "We are the Diddy Men.
" There's a wonderful actor called Richard Brain, a very fine actor, and he was in a commercial where he had to play a mummy.
And he was wrapped up and he At one point, just absolutely had to go for a pee.
- Inevitably.
- And - SUE: He made papier mache.
The undoing and the doing up of the bandaging was taking so long that somebody rummaged around and pulled his old fellow out, while he peed, and to this day he doesn't know who it was because .
.
because when it was called to wrap it was just him and the costume person unwinding him an everybody else biffed off.
Did he line them all up and say, "Would you take my penis in hand?" He didn't know, he didn't see them.
"No.
Maybe.
Stand over there.
No.
" - It's just - It's like a more modern version of the Cinderella story.
Prince going round, "I'll know that feel anywhere.
" Mummified man.
Yeah, all the ugly sisters putting on hand cream.
You've got paper and you've got pencil, we might like you, during the course of the evening, design a hat and the winner gets a prize.
- So there you are.
- OK.
- Any kind of hat.
But don't let it ruin your concentration for the next question, if I can put it that way - I invented multi-tasking.
- There you are.
Exactly.
- So the - JOHNNY YELLS: I'm drawing! Sorry.
Can you please keep it down, Stephen! Do you know, I sometimes have weird dreams in which we're married, Johnny.
- I want you to tell me, because it's quite interesting - Go on.
And that's the name of the game.
Which is the only number in the English language which when written out is in alphabetical order? - Eight.
- No.
- OK, well, seven.
- 43.
- Eight is good, but I comes after G.
- OK, I'm going to have to guess, because there's not enough time and I'm dyslexic.
- One, two.
Two? - No.
- Three? O comes before T.
- So they have to be in alphabetical order.
- Oh, I see, ah.
- Yes, that's - 40.
- Yes! Well done.
Isn't she good? - Very good.
Very, very good.
- Were you going through all the numbers? I was going through all the numbers at the same time that you were - and we got there - Yeah, 40 is the one.
Yeah, Alan was on three when you said that.
And you three were all talking and we're sitting there going It's time for a jolly jape, this time involving lasers and balloons.
What can be coming next? Here we are.
And I've got my laser.
This is one of these things they use, you know I'm going to point it behind me.
And we're using the smoke because it shows up the laser line.
- Can you see it there? - Oh yes.
- Yeah.
I'm deliberately they keep shouting in my ear, "Don't point it at people's eyes.
" - I'm not! - "Don't point it at their fucking eyes! "It's fucking dangerous!" The thing is, he knows he's the one who's going to be fired.
But there you are, you can see reasonably well that there is a laser light there.
The lighting men are up there going, "AAAARGH!" This is ordinary laser light, the kind you'd use to, you know, at conferences to point on maps and all the rest of it.
And I'm just going to press the laser here and Oh! And Oh! - And Oh! - Whoa.
- And - Green, wow, cool! Ooooh.
- Nothing.
It's not popping though.
- Weird.
- So, the black ones pop and the white one doesn't.
Alan - Racist.
You should have a That doesn't even begin to make sense.
It's just I want you Take your black marker, please, and make a black target roughly in the centre of the balloon.
And I'll let you press the button as a reward if you do it sensibly.
So, do a big - The temptation to draw a cock and balls is overwhelming.
- I know.
A big black spot, so it'll work, just there, and fill it in as black as you can.
- Talk amongst yourselves.
- That's right.
If you'd worked for Blue Peter, you'd know how to do that while presenting to camera.
- Oh yeah, sorry.
- Yeah.
There, you see, exactly.
I haven't done a cock and balls and I know you're disappointed.
- They're not.
- This is the back of Stephen Fry's head.
Yeah, it is actually not unlike.
OK.
- Will that do it, do you think? - I reckon that's black enough.
We know that black absorbs light and heat and white we know reflects it.
And we saw that the laser had enough energy to burst the black balloon.
So all you have to do, just leave it there, it should be pointing in the right direction.
Hooray! - There we are, well done.
- Very enjoyable.
I get sent very odd things by members of the public, thank you.
And I got sent a thing to stand up weeing, and I thought it was - Oh a funnel.
- It's called a Shewee.
- It's the most marvellous thing.
- It's Japanese, isn't it? Oh, darling, I piss in all sorts of places now.
I get out of the car, I can't be bothered to pop into the service station, on the back wheel, it's the most marvellous thing.
It is mostly for driving, I thought, the Shewee.
Driving under the influence of the need for a wee - is the most dangerous thing a human can do.
- I would imagine it would be.
I have reached 170 miles an hour.
And disabled parking spaces outside motorway service stations, they're mine, because I am disabled by the need - Exactly.
- You are just You can become consumed with I had a wee, I had a wee in just a water bottle once, driving about 100 mile an hour, just wee in this water bottle, and - But then it won't stop.
- Well, I failed my driving test.
Hey! Hey! That old one.
It reminds me of that phrase, Stephen, "Couldn't see the wood for the trees.
" - Have you ever come across that phrase before? - I have, I have.
- I never used to understand it.
- What it basically means is, you're looking at Wait.
- You're looking for wood.
- Yes, yeah.
- Not, not in the way you might.
- No, not in that sense.
- You're - Yeah.
You're looking, you're looking for wood, and you're looking at trees.
- Yes.
- So you are in essence looking at wood.
- They're wood, aren't they? But you're I've got it, Alan.
But you're, but you're seeing trees, - so you can't see the wood for the trees.
- .
.
The trees.
And I think, in a funny old way, it's a little bit like what you're talking about, isn't it? - Almost exactly not, yeah.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
But it's nice, it's nice you brought that up.
It's a good - So that is Mormon porn? - That's Mormon porn.
Yeah.
They also have special underwear, do you know about that? Mormons wear, and devout ones, I suppose, for their whole lives, wear a special kind of undergarment which covers them from the knees right up to the top.
- We can see an example of the garment.
- I've got that on now.
Have you? Are you wearing a garment? It goes all the way up to there and down to me knees.
- Yes, up to? - Boobs.
- Yes, up, but not over.
- Not all the way, no.
Yes, no, yours are nice, flying free and beautiful and lovely and Not, not flying, but no, to be fair, it's a fulsome pair of funbags, and we Can I have that as a quote on my next poster? It's party treat time now.
Isn't this exciting? I've got something really interesting for you to try.
It's powdered Miracle Berry.
Now, you should have a little cup like this.
So if you could instantly put that pill, as it were, in your mouth.
- I promise you it's not going to hurt you.
- We don't even question it.
- We're just doing it! - Don't swallow it.
- Yes, Stephen, we - Don't swallow it, please do it.
"Show me your titties.
" We've been down this road before, mister.
It's in.
"Only bite it when you see the whites of their eyes.
" Don't bite it, don't bite it, just roll it around your mouth, roll it around your tongue, it's quite sweet.
It takes time to work, but it's rather extraordinary.
- It's like a dead Refresher.
- Yeah, it's exactly what it's like.
But just let it, try and do a bit of action on it, just so that you can get it to dissolve.
Spread it all over your tongue.
It is quite miraculous, it's why it's called the Miracle Fruit.
I've slightly crunched mine.
- Don't worry, don't swallow it, just keep it - Why not? No, keep it in your mouth, there's a good reason, I want for it to cover all of your tongue.
It does something extraordinary to it, and that's what you'll discover.
- So keep sucking, keep sucking.
- I must remember this speech.
You walk away! If you've made them swallow It does something extraordinary to your tongue.
Don't swallow it! - So, do you feel you've more or less coated yourself in it? - Yeah.
What it does is, it actually gets rid of your tongue's ability to detect sour and bitter.
So I want you just to take a bite on this lemon.
You'll find, when you bite on the lemon, that it's not exactly sweet, but that it really has taken away - I'm going in.
- Interesting, isn't it? Your whole pill? - I've done, I've done - Oh, you've not - I've done a lot of coating.
- Oh, that's delicious.
- Isn't it? It's extraordinary.
- Oh, that's good.
- None of you has pulled an "argh" face.
- That's lovely.
That is like a really sweet orange.
- Exactly.
It's bizarre.
- I'm going to regret it later.
- It is a most extraordinary experience.
- Hmm, I love that.
And that will last for about half an hour, - 20 minutes.
- I'm going to have chronic gastritis in 20 minutes.
You'd be able to have lime.
It was very popular, this Miracle Fruit.
They had parties where they'd have a rainbow of different flavours that would occur, because it takes away your ability to taste the bitter or the sour, or indeed the salt, so everything becomes sweet, but it retains a little of its own flavour.
- But it does work, doesn't it? - Amazing.
- It is.
Although it is vitamin C, so internally I'm rebelling.
I'm going to save one in my pocket, have one later.
- I'm going to give one to a friend.
- Sure you are.
- Yeah.
- That's just so bad! - It makes it taste so much nicer.
- Just pop that in your mouth.
- We've witnessed something big tonight.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, it's all over.
- It'll taste lovely for half an hour.
LIZA: "My favourite word is titties.
" - You are so - It's not sour any more, is it? No.
It's not sour any more.
That is so bad, you people.
- Gerard de Nerval.
- No.
Wonderful, good.
- Gerard de Nerval was a fascinating man.
- He was.
- I very much enjoyed the way you said that.
- Je suis le veuf, l'encontre.
- Le Tenebreux.
- And he also famously had a pet lobster, Gerard de Nerval.
- He did indeed.
- That he used to take for walks on a lead.
"Vite, vite, monsieur! "Monsieur Clicky!" - Stay with it, stay with it, stay with it.
- Alors! Stay with it, because it's good.
Because - Non! - J'ai fatigue.
- Non! Allez vite.
- L'eau, s'il vous plait, l'eau! - Non.
Non, pas de l'eau.
Non.
Le artichoke de Jerusalem.
And then boomf, he's gone.
I never thought I'd see the day when Bill Bailey force-fed Gerard de Nerval's lobster with Jerusalem artichoke, and yet the day came.
Anyway, let's just return to this other poet, who was the lover of the young Verlaine.
- Oh, sorry - Verlaine! BUZZER HONKS - Very quick.
- Did I ever give that away! We're going to end with really exciting Wild West action.
Who fancies a shoot-out with a real life vortex cannon? I've given you one each next, you've got a box.
See that box there? It's simply a box, all right? Now the hole is where the vortex emerges, so if you lean it so that the hole is pointing at the target, all right, and basically, what you've got to do is smack the side of the box, all right? After three, two, one, smack! Very good.
There you are! Now APPLAUSE But what we can Yes.
What we can do, before you destroy the box - Before you destroy the box - Oh, sorry.
You can do something even more exciting - fill it with smoke.
And it will demonstrate what in fact was happening with the air.
You should all have smoke machines.
That's it.
Fill it with smoke, fill it with smoke.
Fill it with smoke, and now Look.
Look at that.
Just a gentle tap.
That is a vortex, the beautiful smoke rings.
A lovely one there.
I've got an enormous cannon here, and I'm going to fill mine with I'll see if I can get mine across the, across the - You can make them chase each other, look.
- .
.
across the room here.
Here we go.
I've got it the wrong way round, obviously.
That doesn't help.
AUDIENCE CHEERS We'll let the smoke drift a little.
Would anyone like a big dustbin? It's simply pressure of air creating this wonderful vortex.
- JOHNNY: No, it's not, it's magic.
- Nice one, Alan.
With this kind of magic, we could make the tiny people big again.
Yes! APPLAUSE There you are.