Frasier s10e16 Episode Script

F R A S I E R (10x16) - Fraternal Schwinns - Gosh, it's been such fun talking about psycho-pharmacological solutions to maladaptive personality traits that I can't believe the three hours is almost gone.
Up next is the news followed by Oh, but Roz is reminding me that next Saturday is the first annual KACL AIDS Bike-A-Thon.
It's bound to be an afternoon of family, fun, and lots of surprises, so dust off your "velocipedes" and I'll see you there.
Great pitch, Doc.
So, uh, what are the surprises? Well, first and foremost: I am not going.
-But you just told them you'd see them there.
-Yes, Roz, I'm merely getting the rubes into the tent.
I will gladly give my money, but spending the afternoon riding bicycles -with a bunch of hooligans is not my idea of fun.
-It's just kids and families.
Yes, well so was the KACL family picnic at the zoo, until those urchins jostled me into the orangutan grove.
Let me tell you: orangutans are not the playful gentlemen of the trees the nature shows claim.
-Hello.
-Hey, Julia.
-You're goin' to the Bike-A-Thon, right? -Oh, don't embarrass her, Kenny.
I mean, it's gotta be tough, finding a comfortable bike seat when you're such a tight-ass.
This from a woman who "peddles" her ass all over town.
All right, stalemate.
Well done, well done.
Keep moving, come on.
-So, Bike-A-Thon, you're in, right? -Nah, I can't be bothered, I'll just send a check.
Oh, cheese and rice, what's wrong with you people? Relax, Kenny, I'm just pulling your leg.
How can I not go? This is funding AIDS research, for God's sake.
I know you think I'm heartless and self centered, -but at least give me credit for being human.
-Well, Frasier's not goin'.
What? Kenny, come on! I was pulling your leg too! I tell you what, we should have a fund raiser for your sense of humor.
All right, I'll see you there.
-You're pathetic.
-I know.
Hold it! -Cora.
Hi.
-Marty.
-Visiting your son? -Yes.
Cora, I'm sorry, but I gotta ask you.
What happened? I thought we had a pretty nice thing, but then you stopped returning my calls.
-Why don't you ask your other girlfriend? -What other girlfriend? That bizarre English lady who told me to leave you alone.
Because she was in the British Secret Service and had a license to kill.
Here's your stop.
Oh, geez, that was Daphne's mother.
She had a thing for me, but it was never mutual.
Did she show you a badge? Always ask to see a badge.
I knew she wasn't a secret agent.
But she was pretty convincing about the two of you.
Oh, Cora, I'm so sorry.
It's not true.
I'm sorry too.
I should have asked about her.
Well, hey, it's cleared up now.
Maybe we could pick up where we left off.
Or skip ahead, your choice.
-That would've been nice, but I've been seeing someone lately.
-Oh, sure, of course you have.
Stupid of me.
But I'm very glad to see you again.
Please give Eddie my love.
Oh, yeah.
He'll be sorry he missed you.
He liked your ankles.
Oh, sorry for the hold up, guys.
Ah, listen, I think it's best if we take separate cars to the flower show.
See, later, I have to go buy a bicycle.
-For whom? -Well, for me.
I've been dragooned into riding for the KACL AIDS Bike-A-Thon.
Poor devil, spending the day on a bike.
I don't envy you.
Niles, why don't we enter the Bike-A-Thon? You had to see that coming.
We can all go to the shop together, after the flower show.
-Sure, why not.
-Oh, you two would look so cute on matching bicycles.
-I guess it would be a kick, eh Frasier? -Not you two, ya nit! You and Daphne.
-You! -Hello.
I just had a very interesting discussion with Cora Winston.
Seems someone claiming to be my girlfriend scared her off.
-Oh dear.
Is she the woman from the bookstore? -No.
The bookstore?! -Mum, is this true? -Well, I'm sure I don't know what Marty's talking about, -but it was probably back when we were an item.
-We were NEVER an item! -Now I would like for you to leave.
-Now Dad, calm down.
I'm sure you can talk this over with Cora and have a good laugh afterwards.
Ha-ha! Very funny.
Now that she's practically married to this guy.
-Oh, Martin, I'm sorry.
I guess I didn't realize -Apology not accepted.
-You went too far, we are no longer speaking.
-Marty No, no, Mrs.
Moon.
Mrs.
Moon shut up.
Uh, Dad, we're leaving now.
We're going over to the flower show and after that we're going to a sporting goods store to buy a couple of bikes.
Nice try, Fras, but I'm too mad to laugh.
This one has good lines.
You have any without this bar here? You mean girl's bikes.
Sure.
Good.
'Cause my wife's a girl and she'll need one of those.
Nice.
Maybe I'll go see how she's doing.
Niles, we can't stall much longer.
I mean, one seems as good as the next.
-Is there anything else we need? -Hmm, let me see.
Oh, yes, I know.
We need to know HOW TO RIDE THEM! -Shh! We will learn.
-Oh, as easy as that? Look at these machines, Frasier.
These are BICYCLES! There is nothing between you and the ground but the ground itself.
Yes! And if a child of FOUR can ride one, then so can we.
That's what we said when we were six! If Daphne finds out, she'll probably -Metal spokes.
I like that.
-I should buy the horn separately.
That was close.
Niles, I am not going to look like an idiot at that Bike-A-Thon.
Tonight, I am going to a parking lot and come hell or high water, I am going to master cycling.
-You're welcome to join me.
-I guess I could sneak out.
-Perhaps it's time to slay the dragon.
-That's the stuff, brother.
Call me crazy, but I like a bouncy tire.
Two bouncy tires and a taut chain.
That's good ridin'.
Where did you learn all that? That was really good.
Just a matter of confidence, Niles.
All a matter of confidence, he says.
Yes, well perhaps two people who don't know how to ride bikes shouldn't try to teach each other.
-A good teacher doesn't yell at his student.
-Nor does a good teacher throw a stick at his student! -I thought it would make you try harder.
-Oh, you're going to make a hell of a dad! -Oh, what are we going to do? -Let's not panic.
We still have two days before the Bike-A-Thon.
Surely the library has shelves devoted to this topic.
I don't have time for that! Daphne wants to go biking tomorrow afternoon.
-Well, then you're just going to have to tell her that you don't know how to ride.
-I can't! It's too late! If I was going to do that, I should have done it at the bike store.
But NOOO! You, YOU said we could teach ourselves! -You said no one would be the wiser! -Niles -"Two bouncy tires and a taut chain," you said! -Niles And now look! My spokes are bent, my pants are stuck, -and there's blood on the headlight, and blood everywhere Niles, that wasn't your fault.
That jogger should have been wearing a reflective vest.
Come on.
Come and sit down.
I'm going to get you a nice sherry.
-Hi, Frasier.
-Oh, hi Roz.
-You're welcome to join me and Niles.
-Oh, I can't.
I'm on my way to meet Alice and her sitter.
-Alice wants to practice riding her bicycle for Saturday.
-Really? Mm-hm, she loves it.
I mean, she had that bike one day before she made me take her training wheels off.
Tell me, does she ever find that she feels as though her feet are frozen to the pedals? Stuck in a confused, arrhythmic battle between forward and reverse, until finally, with no locomotive momentum whatsoever, she keels over like a felled tree? I don't think so.
Well good, good.
Because that's a real thing that happens to some kids.
-Hey, Frasier.
-Oh, hello Daphne, Mrs.
Moon.
-I'm afraid I have some bad news.
-What is it? Someone stole our new bikes.
My God, are you sure? Can I get a refill? That's terrible.
You know, that's curious.
Niles, didn't that salesman say -that nothing could break those titanium locks? -You're right.
I must not have locked them properly.
Foolish Niles.
You know, I spotted a couple of bikes in the storage room, behind the furnace.
-Perhaps you could borrow those.
-No, I don't think so.
The theft has soured me on the whole bike experience.
And what were you doing behind the furnace anyway? Drinking.
-Hello Daphne, Niles, Frasier.
-Hello, Martin.
How are the three of you doin'? -Mind if I join you? -Sure.
Oh, you're not still angry at me, are you? Coffee, please.
-Hi.
-Hey, Roz.
-Wow, everybody's here today.
Yeah, grab a seat, I'd love to have a lady sit next to me.
Thanks, I can't.
I'm on my way to the park.
I just got a call from the babysitter.
Alice did a wheelie! -Well, I'll see you guys later.
-That's great, Roz.
Bye-bye.
Well, someone's raising a real little showoff.
-Now, now, not everyone was meant to ride a bike.
-What's that mean? Well, I'm just saying my boys are good at other things.
Indoor things.
Oh, no.
-You don't mean -Yes, Daphne.
Frasier doesn't know how to ride a bike.
-Well, neither do you! -Frasier! -Well, she was bound to find out! -We never learned.
-I tried teachin' 'em, but I had to take them to the hospital so many times, social services started sniffin' around.
-All these years, it's been our secret shame.
-Yes.
And it hasn't been easy concealing it, either.
People are always saying in conversation: "It's just like riding a bike.
" I can smile, and nod.
But I only understand it in theory.
We tried to teach ourselves last night.
Oh, can you imagine a sadder tableaux: two grown men trying to gain mastery over a child's toy and failing miserably.
Even more pathetic: a grown man faking the theft of his and his wife's bicycles.
I disgust myself.
-I'm so sorry, Daphne.
-Niles, you've no need to apologize.
-Lots of people don't know how to ride.
-Really? -No.
It doesn't matter.
I can take you to the park and teach you.
I'll teach you both.
-Really, Daphne? -Yes.
-Daphne, I adore you.
No, seriously.
Who? Thank you, Daphne.
You know, I'm afraid my bike may be too damaged to ride.
So we'll borrow one from someone in the building.
I promise you, you two are going to learn how to ride bikes.
You're a good wife, Daphne.
And I'll bet you were a good daughter when your mother was alive.
.
-Helmet.
-Check.
-Pads.
-Check.
-Cup.
-Check.
All right.
Now remember: keep your eyes open and pedal quickly.
I just want to get an idea of your individual skill levels.
All right, everyone ready? Andgo! Okay, good start.
Now, let's try again, but this time further apart.
-Okay.
I think this is going to be all right.
-Yes, this isn't so bad.
All right.
Andgo! Yes, very good.
It's that damned sycamore! It's got a magnetic hold on me.
That's because you keep focusing on it.
Whatever you do, put it out of your mind.
-The more you think about it, the worse it gets.
-You're a cloud, scudding across a clear blue sky.
I'm a cloud.
You're a cloud.
A cloud I AM a cloud! I'm flying! Look, I'm riding a bike.
I heard ya.
I'm comin'.
Hello.
Oh, geez! Look.
I'm sorry.
I'm still ticked.
I'm not proud of it, but I have to do the right thing and that means hold this grudge.
Ah! You're talking to me.
I knew you would.
-Oh, you're here to see Marty? -Actually, I think not.
Look, no.
This isn't what it looks like.
I'm here to apologize.
But since he's not talking to me, I guess I can say me piece to you.
Now, first of all, don't be scared.
I'm not a secret agent and I don't have a license to kill.
Back when I said all that to you, I wasn't really in me right mind, anyway.
I mean, I'd just separated from me husband and well, maybe I hoped Marty would be some kind of knight in shining armor.
-But we were never a couple, though.
-It was a pretty rotten thing you did.
Yes, I know, dear, just awful.
In me defense, I've done much worse.
And besides, between you and the girl at the bookstore, I liked you better.
Sonovabitch! -Cora! Hi, come on in.
-Hi.
-I ran into a friend of yours.
-Oh, she's no friend of mine.
Well, she had some nice things to say about you.
Maybe we could talk about it at dinner tomorrow.
-I thought you were seeing someone.
-I don't see him here.
-I guess not.
Pick you up at seven? -Seven it is.
-Sowho's this girl from the bookstore? -See you tomorrow.
.
Never thought I'd see the day.
This is really somethin'.
-Thanks Dad.
-That's right.
You faced your fears and you bested them.
-Yeah, thanks to you.
And who knows? Maybe this will just be the beginning.
There are still mountains to conquer.
-The diving board, for instance.
-Or cartwheels.
-Be careful out there, Son.
-I will, Dad.
Thanks.
-I guess I better go take my place, huh? -Okay.
-Kenny, Julia.
-Hey, Doc.
-Hi.
-So, have a good ride.
-Not gonna happen.
These shorts are already bunchin' me somethin' fierce.
Excuse me.
-Pretty exciting.
-Thrilling.
You don't mind if we don't ride together, do you? I like to go at my own pace.
No, not at all.
You don't have to feel like you have to keep up.
-Right.
Well, what do you say we make it interesting? -What did you have in mind? -Last one across the finish line doubles the other's pledges.
-You're on.
And I look forward to watching you write that big fat check.
Frasier! Remember: keep your eye on the road and don't fixate on anything you can crash into.
-Right! -Good luck! Boy, I hope I can steer around that big mailbox right there.
Ciao! -Frasier? -Are you okay? -I'll be all right.
Why don't you guys go ahead.
I'll catch up to you.
-Okay.
Oh, lord.
Pardon me.
Beep beep! Oh, gosh, no.
Oh, dear God!