Bob's Burgers s10e17 Episode Script

1 Hi.
We're open! Uh, it looks worse than it is.
We-we just had a leak, and then part of the ceiling caved in, and, uh, oh oh, he left.
Don't worry, Bob.
Leak is already fixed.
I'll have this hole patched up by nighttime.
So, this is how I spend the last day of spring break, huh? Watching Teddy fix a leak.
It was pretty cool when it dripped a lot, and then dripped less, you have to admit.
I'm so bored I'd rather go back to school.
If they'll have me.
I saw on the news that it's good for kids to be bored.
Otherwise, you turn into a screen saver.
Ugh! It's spring break, and we've done nothing, woman.
That's not true.
Gene farted.
That was hours ago! - Uh-oh, look out.
Nat attack! - Nat! - Linda! Kids! Robert! - Hello, Natalie.
I'm here to pick up a little lunch to go.
- From here? Nat, no.
- Yep, got a road trip going on today.
Bought myself a set of Jazzercise CDs to pass the time.
You don't have to be exercising to enjoy the music.
- Nice.
- How fun.
Road trip.
Where you going? I'm headed out to my ex-girlfriend's animal sanctuary.
- She bought a zoo? - It's not a zoo.
Theresa runs a rescued animal sanctuary about 90 minutes out of town.
It's mainly illegal exotic animals that rich people had as pets.
She's got an alligator that one of the Big Bangs kept in their hot tub.
I'm not gonna say which Big Bang, but it's not the one you think.
Oh, yeah.
I heard about that.
It was the one I thought.
Just because they're smart on the show doesn't mean they make good decisions.
Going to see your ex-girlfriend, huh? You showing off how successful your business is by driving it to her? Nah.
It's just a little too far to go on my blades.
And I, uh, have to return something of hers.
Ugh.
It's no fair.
Even Nat is going somewhere on our spring break.
Well, you guys are welcome to join me.
Plenty of room in the back.
For real? Um, yeah! Going on the road in a limo? Hell yeah.
It'll be like being in a cool music video, - with my family.
- Mom, can we? - Well - Please? Please-please-please-please? - No.
- Yeah, sure.
Um, can I talk to you in the kitchen for a second? Lin, I don't think we should go on a road trip with Nat.
Why not? I mean, I know the ceiling fell down last night, but technically, our restaurant is open.
Plus, a-after our last trip, we swore we'd never go anywhere with the kids in the car that was farther away than an hour, ever, ever, ever again.
- We did? - Yes.
It was very, very bad.
Pull over! I'm gonna barf! You can barf in this bottle once I'm done peeing in it, T.
No, just hang on, Tina.
Gene, stop peeing in that bottle.
Can't stop me now, Dad! - I can't wait! - Roll down the window! Louise! - Aah! Don't barf on me! - No barfing! Oh, it's blowing back in the car! Oh, God! Gonna barf! - Oh, no! - Well, if everyone else is barfing Oh, my God! It was just four piles of barf and a big bottle of pee.
- Calm down.
- Yeah.
We can hear you, by the way.
Linda, can I talk to you in the basement? Look, why don't you and the kids go with Nat, and I'll stay here and work.
No.
It's got to be all of us, Bob.
Lin, we work together all day, every day.
It's not the same.
We need to make memories.
- Uh - It's just one day.
Teddy's working here anyways, and everyone already thinks we're closed.
And we get to see animals! Exotic animals.
You love those.
Remember those videos of the monkey and the baby lion? Yeah.
Those were good.
I never would have guessed they would be friends.
Plus, this trip will be different.
You don't have to drive, you'll be in a limo for free, and we can drink! - So we can go? - Kids, can we have some privacy? No way.
You had us.
That's not how having kids works.
- So you and I can drink? - Yeah! - Fine.
- Yay! Family trip! Okay, here are the rules for today.
Tina, absolutely no reading in the car.
You always do it, and you always barf.
I won't even open my eyes, see? Are you guys still there? Guys? Guys?! Oh, phew.
- And, Louise? - Yes, Father? We aren't stopping at any weird roadside attractions, got it? They cost too much.
They are never worth it, and it drives me crazy when you ask to stop over and over again.
Not a problem.
I didn't already Google our route, and there is not a place called Madness Castle on the way, and I don't want to stop there.
Mmm and Gene? No peeing in bottles while we drive.
You got it, stud! Okay.
I got her all warmed up.
M'ladies.
Hmm.
This is pretty nice, I guess.
And I brought some wine.
It's rosé for day.
Ooh.
A Styrofoam cooler.
Classy.
Perhaps there's some children's wines in here.
Which is what I call juice and/or chocolate milk.
I forgot to say, don't open the cooler, 'cause there's a No! Snake! Snake! Snake! Snake! Snake! Snake! Ugh! Was he saying "cake"? Oh, snake.
Oh, snake! - Snake ! - Uh, Gene, wait! Nat, did you know there's a snake - in the back of your limo? - Yeah.
That's Steve.
- I'm taking him back to Theresa.
- Snake! Snake, snake We had a pair of snakes together, Adam and Steve, and we each retained one in the breakup.
But Steve isn't thriving without Adam around.
Won't eat.
Can't sleep.
So I'm gonna get them back together.
Aw.
You're a good mom, Nat.
Snake ! Ah Poor Gene.
He really is scared of snakes.
I guess we better call off the trip.
Oh, good.
I-I mean, not that Gene is terrified, - but never mind.
- Up, bup, bup, bup, bup.
Let me talk to the boy.
I'm sure he's calmed down by now.
Snake ! - Snake! Snake! Snake! - Gene? Go away, snake! How did you learn my name? Gene, it's me.
Your human sister.
So, listen, kiddo.
That was a rough start, but, um, if we put the snake back in the surprise snake box disguised as a cooler, would you be able to pull it together, and here's why I'm asking, and it's a really good reason: I want to go to Madness Castle and so do you.
I do not.
Well, that's just because you don't know how amazing it is yet.
But I do.
It's a castle built by a man named Jonathan Madness, and anyone who enters goes totally crazy and dies.
Do you love it or do you love it? I'm not going anywhere with a snake.
I'm not taking a snake car to a Madness Castle! What if I paid you three dollars? - No! - What if I paid you three hundred dollars - over the course of 25 years? - No! What if I give you all the candy I have hidden in my room? How much are we talking about? Several Easters, couple Halloweens.
Honestly, some of it I stole from you.
- Do you have my Peeps?! - Yep.
Ah, I believed you when you told me some Peeps turn into real chickens and fly away! - Yeah, they flew into my room.
- Fine, I'll go.
But if I die of fright, put the candy in my coffin! Sorry I can't fit Steve's cooler up front, but don't worry, Gene.
There's no way Steve can get through the divider glass, so you'll be totally safe.
Okay.
And, uh, for people riding next to the snake, he, he can't get out of the cooler, right? I mean, I've never seen it.
He's a lazy snake, and FYI, he doesn't have hands.
Plus, once I get on the highway, he always falls asleep.
You sure you're okay, honey? - Well - He's fine.
- I'm fine.
- Yep.
Okay, then.
Little hiccup, but let's try this again.
All aboard.
Yay! Road trip! We're doing it.
Isn't this fun, Bob? I mean, there's a snake in the cooler, and Gene hid in a box for a little while, but I-I guess it's fine now.
And by the time we get back, Teddy'll be all done with the ceiling.
Ooh.
Hungry.
I sure wish Bob would've left me a burger to eat.
Eh that's okay.
I can eat someplace else.
Burger does sound good, though.
I earned it.
Should I? Should I make my own burger? Bob wouldn't mind.
He'd probably want me to.
He'd probably say, "I love that you're doing this!" He'd want me to put the apron on, though, right? That's for sure.
Ah 100% Bob.
That's the smell.
That's the stuff! Wait.
Was I ? Wai-Wait.
Was I just sleeping? Yes, you were.
Wow, I've never gotten a nap on a road trip before.
It was amazing.
We're-we're probably almost there by now.
How-how long was I out? Oh, gosh.
At least two, three minutes.
Oh.
Well, still, it was nice.
I'm gonna try to sleep for four minutes this time.
- - Game time.
- Oh.
What's this? - What's what? I just found this notebook under the seat.
"Property of Guy Handsometeen, "14 years old, contains secret teen boy information.
Do not read.
" Weird.
But I guess we better not read it.
Yeah, I-I guess not.
I'll just put it back where I found it.
Maybe you could, uh, give it to me, and then I could make sure no one reads it.
- You'd do that? - Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep.
- Wow.
Thanks, Tina.
- No problem.
Wait.
I shouldn't be reading this.
It's private property.
Plus, I promised Dad I wouldn't read anything.
Well, maybe just a page.
Or half a page.
Or just, like, one sentence.
Yep, that's it.
I'll just read one sentence and then put it down.
"Dear Diary, I am going to describe my teenage boy butt " Oh, my God.
One burger of the day, coming up.
Say, Lin, can you cut me up a couple of tomatoes? Oh, you are so funny, Linda.
I'm glad we're married.
Oh, you're attracted to my best friend Teddy? Hey, I get it.
I mean, you two have something.
I've got eyes.
I'm not an idiot.
It's like when you walk outside, and you feel the air before a storm.
It's just churning, right? That's what it's like with you two.
"My butt is so round that it barely fits in my jeans.
" Whoa.
Oh, no.
I don't feel so good.
Oh, God.
Wait, Tina, what's that? Are you reading? - No.
- Oh, my God.
Are you holding barf back right now? - Nuh-uh.
- Yes.
- Pull over! - What? She's gonna barf! Get off at the exit! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! - Nat, pull off, pull off! - And kick your heels.
- And shake your shoulders, ladies - Nat, pull over! Barf! Barf! It's okay, Tina.
Happens all the time in limos.
It'd be weird if someone didn't barf.
Tina, you promised me you wouldn't read.
- That's the family motto.
- I didn't mean to.
- Louise found a journal, and - Louise? Whoa-whoa-whoa.
This isn't my fault.
Oh, hey, look where we are.
The Madness Castle? Huh.
Hey.
Why don't we all just calm down, buy some tickets, go in, go insane, and clean the barf off our shoes and Tina? Oh, my God.
Did you do this on purpose, Louise? No Gene? Help Oh, my baby! Nat! Nat! - Open the door! - Uh-oh.
Gene? This door is locked.
Open the door.
Gene? Can you hear us? Aah Okay, Gene, just open the door and step out.
Y-You're gonna be all right.
Aah! Britney Spears, give me strength! Aah! Get it off of me! Get it off of me! Gene, take my hands! Oh, God, the barf smell.
Oh, sorry, is this difficult for you? It's okay, bud, just Oh, no.
I'm in it.
I'm in it.
Oh, God, no, he's by my neck! Aah! Pull, Dad, pull! Steve, Steve! Come on, Steve.
Stay away from his neck, bud.
- Just a little more.
- Oh, God, it's writhing.
It's writhing! Steve.
Come to Mama, Stevie.
Aah! I landed in the barf, too! Come on, Gene.
Let me get you out of here.
Oh, my Genie! Are you okay? Can you breathe? Breathe, my baby.
- Breathe, breathe.
- I'm fine.
I'll just never go in a car, look at a car, or leave the house or get out of bed again.
Oh, my poor baby.
My little vomit-covered baby.
Uh, speaking of babies, anyone see Steve? Oh, yeah, uh, he went that way.
- I thought you knew.
- What? Oh, my God.
I got to go catch him.
Sorry he scared you, Gene.
Steve! Poor Steve.
All scared and slimy.
Bob, you might want to get some clothes for you and Gene and Tina up at the gift shop because you guys smell disgusting.
- Yup.
- And get me something fun! Like a keychain.
Ooh, or a big pencil! I love those.
Okay, three pairs of shorts, three T-shirts, that'll be $145.
Those outfits are gonna work for a lot of occasions.
Yeah, yeah.
No, they're great.
Okay, I circled the perimeter but no dice.
I'm hoping he crawled into the castle.
So, I don't know, maybe raise your hand if you want to come help me look for Steve? Might go faster if I have an extra set of eyes.
I volunteer to go into the Madness Castle.
And, Dad, I think you said you'd buy me a ticket? So, if you could just let us in there to look for the snake, - we would really appreciate it.
- Okay, $30.
Um, well, well, we don't want to see the castle.
- No offense.
I - He does not speak for me.
Ouch.
This is the best Madness Castle in the area.
Well, there's a snake in there and I'm sure that you want us - to go get it out, so - Sure, sure, pal.
You know how many times I've heard that one? You've had people come here, trying to get in saying they're trying to find a snake? - Five times.
- Five times? - Yeah.
- Bob? I got this one.
- Nah, it's cash only.
- Oh.
No.
Never carry cash.
Don't trust it.
I-I got it.
Welcome to the Madness Castle! - All who enter go insane - Yes! No.
No, no, no, no.
We're fine.
Thank you.
We'll just go in.
Goodbye, sanity.
Here you go, my best friend, Teddy.
The burger of the day.
The "Tedder-Cheddar Burger.
" I named it after you.
We have fun, don't we? We have a lot of fun, pal.
Eh you're the best.
I'm the best? You're the best.
Hey, and thanks for not being mad that me and Linda are getting married.
Can I ask you something? Would you be my best man? I'll do it.
I'd love to do it.
I'd love to stand up there and give the woman that I was married to away to you.
All right, Bobby! You got it! Teddy, this might sound crazy but can I live with you guys? Of course! We could adopt you! You can be my son! I'll marry your wife and you'll be my son! What a day! I love you, Dad.
Okay, if I were a snake, where would I be? In the "Hallway to Nowhere" or the "Stairs of Insanity"? Think like Steve, think like Steve.
I'll take the Stairs of Insanity.
"All the steps are a different height.
It's impossible to climb without going insane.
" Oh, my God, I'm going insane.
Oh, wait, I'm at the top.
They just end.
Coming back down.
Uh, no snake.
All right, let's try the Hallway to Nowhere.
Is it me, or is this just a hallway? Uh-huh.
A $30 hallway.
Ooh, maybe there's something cool in here.
Hey! - Welp.
- Yup.
Is this it? A delightful covered porch with a mannequin in a straightjacket? - Hmm.
Ah! - Steve! - My son! - Gah, they should pay us.
This place needs a snake.
Eh, end of a long day.
Time to go home.
Oh, God! I forgot to fix the ceiling.
But I should also make some fries.
Welp, good news, most of the barf smell is hidden by the air freshener spray I use after incidents like this.
It's called "Cinnamon Seduction" and it is very, very, very strong.
Bad news is the horn is kinda stuck in a weird position, so it's gonna honk every now and then.
Okay, let-let-let's just go.
Okay, big B.
Let me get Steve here off of you Oh.
Shoot.
He fell asleep.
Probably shouldn't wake him up now; he gets cranky when you wake him up.
If he starts to wake up, uh move as quickly as possible or stay still.
- One of the two.
- It's fine.
Let-Let's keep moving.
Whoa! That is quite a mix of scents.
Yeah, it's not great.
- You okay, hon? - Hmm You look nice in a snake, Dad.
Mm We're only about 10 minutes away from being about an hour and 15 minutes away.
Oh, God.
Who wants to play car bingo? Oh! There's one.
Bingo! Ooh, we're exiting! The sanctuary must be close.
I can't wait to pet all those animals.
I'm gonna hug a porcupine.
Mm Well, here we are.
Rescued exotic animal paradise.
- Breathe it in, babes.
- It's uh, nice.
If you like a house with a bunch of dusty cages in front of it.
Which I personally do.
A lot of snakes, huh? - Seems like just snakes.
- Yeah.
It's, like, 99% snakes.
She rescues everything, but she keeps the snakes.
- Obviously.
- So, this is just how it is now, huh? Everywhere I go, snakes.
I see them when I close my eyes.
Um, there appears to be no monkeys or baby lions.
Perfect.
Also, Steve is moving and kind of strangling me.
Can we maybe get him off me now? - Sure, Bob-arino.
- Nat! Steve! A bunch of people I don't know.
You made it.
Yeah, here we are! Wow, you look great.
Thanks.
A turtle bit me and I lost a lot of weight.
Might be salmonella.
It's a wait and see.
- Nice.
- Well, Adam is gonna be so excited.
He's missed Steve a lot.
Yeah, yeah.
Uh, Steve, too.
Steve has been a mess.
Okay.
Well, thanks for driving all this way, Nat.
It was nothing.
So, I'll yeah.
Adios.
Okay Bye.
- Let's load up and head out.
- Wait, that's it? We're just gonna turn around and go right back now? There isn't even a, like, cute frog or something to see before we go? - Bob.
- No.
I mean, it took us five hours to make a 90-minute drive, Gene got attacked by a snake, there was throw-up everywhere, we-we spent so much money at the Madness Castle, which was just a guy's house filled with junk, and now we're here and there aren't any monkeys being friends with lions! Okay, no one said for sure there'd be monkeys, honey.
Well, it's what I was picturing! Okay, calm down.
- Calm down.
- No! No! No, I won't! These trips are terrible and no one ever has fun! - I had fun.
- See?! - Wait.
What? - I mean, not fun.
But it was weird.
And scary.
And sort of exciting.
I had fun.
In a way.
And once I figure out where Guy Handsometeen lives and return his journal to him, we'll probably be friends.
And I can see his jeans.
Like friends do.
And I got to go to Madness Castle.
Yeah, but it was terrible.
Yeah, it was so terrible.
And we'll never forget this trip! And that's the whole point! A road trip! Someone's always gonna barf, or pee, or lose a snake, or poop in their undies and not tell anyone, but we got to give our kids some stuff to remember.
Huh.
Well, I guess I'm sorry I freaked out.
And yes, I have been a little grumpy.
I just hate these road trips so much.
But I'm glad everyone else enjoyed it and will always remember it.
Aw Family memories! Bring it in for a hug! Mm - Family.
- Uh Damn it.
Theresa Shaw, marry me.
- What? - Oh, my God! Marry me.
We can make our own family memories.
We belong together.
A proposal, I'm gonna cry.
Oh, Nat.
I'm flattered, but no.
We were terrible together.
We argued about almost everything except reptiles.
We couldn't even agree on what kind of pizza to order.
I like cheese, you like hot dog with extra dry crust, which, honestly, is not even a kind of pizza.
- It is.
- Not.
It is not.
- It is.
- No.
It is, it's little pieces of hot dog on pizza and then they blow-dry the crust.
See? We're fighting right now.
You're right.
Totally right.
Totally fine.
Saying no to me was the correct answer.
I was just testing you.
And you passed.
So, I'm gonna go celebrate the fact that you passed the test that I gave you for fun.
Oh, wait, I almost forgot, I want you to have this.
Since you're the one giving up Steve.
It's a bag of snakes.
Of course it is.
A bunch of baby garter snakes.
Thanks.
This means a lot.
Okay, they're not getting married, but they're still hugging.
Now give me a tissue.
- Magic.
- What a day! Nat, I need you to let go.
Okay.
And I just want to memorize your face.
And I've done it.
And I need you to drown those snakes.
Nat, you okay up there? Yup.
Yup.
I'm doing great.
Just a little hard to see while I'm crying.
Oop, just lost a contact.
I'm gonna make a professional decision and let someone else drive.
Looks like everyone's asleep.
Ah, at least Nat got the horn fixed.
Mostly.
Yeah, I kinda like it now.
Look at you, trying to have a positive attitude.
- I almost believe you.
- No, I-I mean it.
It's kind of cool driving a limo.
And all the other cars are getting out of the way - because of the horn.
- That's great! And I promise I won't fall asleep.
That's nice.
Thanks, Lin.
L-Lin? Lin? Lin? Lin? Oh.
Right.
Right.
Oh! H-Hey, guys.
Huh.
You're kinda cute.
What would be your name? If you had one? "I'm Ricky.
" Ricky, huh? And who's this? "That's Lucy.
" Oh, you went with a theme.
"And that's the Fonz.
" Okay, that's that's a different show, but "And that's Stacks.
He plays poker.
" Okay.
- Ah! - Holy crap! Teddy! Why are you in our bed?! I fell asleep! I-I didn't mean to.
I'm sorry.
I wasn't pretending to be you, I swear.
And the bath made me very sleepy.
I mean, I didn't even take a bath! Don't look in the bathroom! Can I sleep on your couch, please? - No! - Sure, I'll get you a pillow.
Got anything hypoallergenic? Pelvis, hips Oh, yeah, and flex again How do your arms feel? Are you here to dance? Let's prance, feel it Four, six, seven, nine Ooh, yeah, if you're feeling warmed up Go for it! Make it big, come on Give me two steps up Tap right, and left Can you do it? Jazz square, Mon frères Dance it out now, make it double And that's double trouble And now, reverse it all Zip, rewind Sorry, I might get a little funky here