Family Guy s10e17 Episode Script

It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a Fam ily Guy! All right, see you guys later.
Me and Brian are going to play laser tag with Joe and Quagmire.
What?! No, you're not.
Tonight's our family night.
We agreed that every Sunday, we'd do something together.
What? Oh, nothing.
I was just clearing my throat.
Good.
I thought you were going to say something.
But, Lois, we already made plans.
Yeah, I can't leave those guys alone.
Last time they hung out without me was a disaster.
All right, movie night.
I am so psyched for Reindeer Games! What, I thought we were watching La Vie En Rose.
What do you mean, Reindeer Games is great! Everything goes wrong on the one day it has to go right.
But La Vie En Rose is a beautiful movie about the real life tragedy of Edith Piaf.
Usually Peter would break the tie.
Well, Peter isn't here, is he?! Because you were supposed to be watching him, but you were smoking marijuana and he drowned! What? No, he's at a PTA meeting.
Where the hell did you get that story? I don't know! I just can't stand it when he's not here! Peter, you've got every other night of the week to spend with your buddies.
This is the one night we've set aside for our family.
Is that really too much to ask? I guess you're right.
Come on, Brian.
Come upstairs.
I wanna show you a freckle on my sack that I'm concerned about.
It has irregular edges.
Peter, what are you doing? I'm not goin' to Family Night.
My agreeing with Lois was just pure theater.
Come on, we're jumping off the roof.
Are you insane?! We'll kill ourselves! Don't worry, we can fly.
I got this pixie dust from a magic fairy.
Either that or it's speed I got from a transvestite at a diner.
It's the speed! It's the speed from the diner! Peter, let go of me! Damn it! So what are we gonna do for Family Night? Oh, would you shut up? All the good people are gone.
Hey! Welcome to Quahog Laser Tag.
Please pay attention while I show y'all how to put on y'all's vests.
Sir, can I use you to demonstrate? Thank you, I have longed for your attention since the moment I arrived.
Now, put this on over your shoulders.
Good.
Now, I'm gonna need you to squats down like your underwears is done for, but you might still save the jeans.
Now, you's gonna wanna latch the front to the back like so Did everybody get that? Boy, a lot of heat comes off you, don't it? All right, keep an eye out for Peter.
He's oddly competitive at this stuff.
Yeah, and he seems to be weirdly physically fit at this place.
Yeah, it's almost like he has unrealistic abilities when we play laser tag.
All right, well, if we just stick together, then Zap! Zap! Zap! What the No way! How'd you learn to do that? The question isn't how I do it.
It's how I forgive myself for what I've done.
Yeah, winner! Right here! All right, pal, what do I get? Well, for five dollars, you could get your picture in a fake newspaper with a humorous headline.
Wow, my picture in the paper.
I didn't even get that when I brought that kitten and gorilla together.
Huh? Did I tell ya, Lois? Oh, that's beautiful, Peter.
She's taking care of that kitten like it's her own.
Yep, I knew eventually she'd stop tearin' 'em in half.
There you two are! We waited for you for four hours! Where the hell have you been?! Look, Lois, I know you're mad, but I think this will prove that I did the right thing.
I put our family on the map tonight.
No longer will we be just those faceless nobodies who brought the bird flu to Quahog.
You know, there's something seriously wrong with a man who always puts his friends over his family.
Come on, Lois, I think you're overreacting.
What's so wrong about a guy hanging out with his buddies? Buddies? You're one of his buddies? Yeah.
And you know why? 'Cause I don't try to tell him what he can and can't do.
Oh, please, Brian.
You're just two people who live in the same house.
If you didn't, you'd never hang out with each other in a million years.
He owns you.
You're his property.
He used to hang you in the garage so his fender wouldn't hit the wall.
You're there.
You're there! I couldn't hear you.
The radio was too loud.
I'm going to bed.
You know, Lois is right, Brian.
You think you're Peter's pal, but you're really not.
You're just his dog.
Well, that's where you're wrong.
Watch this.
Hey, Peter, you want to go hit the Clam? Nah, there's no way she's in the mood.
Let's just go to the bar.
Sounds good.
Headin' to the bar with my friend, Peter.
You're lying to yourself, Brian.
Like those girls who insist their best friends are attractive.
Oh, Stewie, I can't wait for you to meet my best friend.
She is so cute.
Yeah, she sounds awesome.
Oh, my God, yeah.
People ask her if she's a model all the time.
Here she comes! Okay, okay, that was an extreme example, but face it, ladies, your best friends are not hot.
Uh, Peter, your seat belt back here doesn't work right.
What's gonna happen to you that hasn't already happened? Peter, look out for that car! That's not a car.
What is that?! Hello? Hello? Anybody here? Hey.
Hey.
Do you work here? I don't know.
Doesn't look like it.
Who are you? I I don't know.
I-I just woke up here.
I seem to be a heavyset fellow.
You do.
Thank God someone else is here.
You two seem to be the only ones in this hospital.
No, I'm here, too.
Any of you guys know what's going on? I just woke up in one of these rooms.
I have no idea how I got here.
I don't even know who I am.
All I know is, I'm extremely important because there are drawings of me on all the bathroom doors.
See? It's glued on there, too, so I'm pretty sure it's permanent.
This is really weird.
We seem perfectly coherent, it's just we can't remember who we are.
It's like our identities have been wiped out somehow.
Maybe we can find somebody to help us.
The whole town seems to be deserted.
Well, if there are only four of us, I propose we start a band.
And I propose we call ourselves Robes of Teal.
Aw, damn it.
Well, we could still be a band and choose a different name.
Oh, no, Robes of Teal was the whole thing.
What the hell happened? Where is everybody? You don't suppose Do you think, we're the only people on Earth? I don't know.
I tell ya what, I'm gonna open up this bag of Chex Party Mix.
If people don't show up, then we're it.
Yep, we're it.
All right, look, we know we woke up in the hospital, so maybe there was some kind of catastrophe that we were all spared.
Or maybe we were all in some kind of accident.
Well, that would explain why you're in a wheelchair.
You must have gotten hurt worse than the rest of us.
Yeah, I got hit so hard, it knocked my pee into a bag.
None of this makes any sense.
Where the hell is everybody? Well, if we wait till tax day, I'm sure the tax man will show up.
Ha.
You should tweet that.
Okay.
This guy's hilarious.
I'm gonna retweet this.
Huh.
Mm.
Social media is bringing us all closer together.
Unfollow.
Hey, you know, if we're all gonna be tryin' to figure this out together, maybe it would be easier if we gave each other names.
That's a great idea.
Hey, maybe my name is on this collar.
Cremate, don't bury.
Okay, that's a downer.
You know what? I'm gettin' a feeling about my name.
I think my name might be Shirt Pants.
Shirt Pants? What kind of name is that? I don't know.
What's your name? I kinda think it's Manly Walker.
Wheeler? No, Walker.
Wheeler? No, you're not hearing me right.
It's Walker.
It's probably Wheeler.
I sorta think my name is Earl.
(My Name is Earl theme plays) What was that? I don't know.
Apparently, I made some sort of reference.
Hey, check it out.
Looks like a bar.
I could go for a stiff one.
I think they got a pill for that.
Shirt Pants! Who else but Shirt Pants? He's Shirt Pants, Shirt Pants She's tryin' to remember, but he really can't He's Shirt Pants, Shirt Pants All I know for sure is I'm wearing a shirt and pants.
Hello? A-well-a everybody's heard about the bird B-B-Bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word That's annoying.
It just doesn't make sense that there aren't any people.
This couldn't have happened naturally.
Something must have caused this, or someone.
Well, when I find that person, I'm gonna strangle him.
I had a life, and he took it away from me.
I don't remember it, but I bet it was pretty good.
Yeah, me, too.
I bet I was a doctor who had to deal with a lot of serious stuff, but always found a way to keep things light.
Oh, my God, she's beautiful.
Yeah, she is.
It's not yours.
Yours died.
Yeah, and I bet I answered the customer complaint line at a Danish cookie company.
Hello, Danish cookie company.
No, I know they don't taste very good.
Well, because they're very dry, aren't they? I mean, t-they came in a tin, how fresh did you think they were gonna be? Look, it's dark and freezing in Denmark.
Everybody who made these cookies has shot themselves.
Well, I bet I did something really important and exciting.
Like-like maybe I was a speechwriter for the first ever black president.
Hey, can he say the word "ask"? Or-or is that a word we should avoid? Yea, and I bet you I was the voice of an animated bird.
I thought I saw a cat.
I did see a cat.
Oh, my God, look at that.
Wow, that looks pretty bad.
Is the Chinese guy dead? Wait.
We-we were in this car.
I can smell us all in this car! This must be the accident that put us all in the hospital.
See if there's a registration in the glove compartment.
"Peter Griffin.
" One of us is Peter Griffin.
Look at this indent on the steering wheel.
It's a perfect match.
Oh, my God! You're Peter Griffin! Yeah, I am.
And you live at 31 Spooner Street.
Finally, a real clue.
Let's go! Wow, I own a house! I just hope it doesn't have one of those mailboxes that looks like a cow.
I just want to seem cool to these guys, but I really hope I have one of those mailboxes that looks like a cow.
"Moo," says my mailbox.
Well, this is I'm home.
All right, see you guys.
I'm gonna go shove my hand down my pants and see if that goes someplace.
Guys! Guys! It goes someplace! Hang on, I got something.
I poop a lot on this lawn.
This must be where I live! Hey, Shirt Pants, come in here.
Oh, my God! I know, I know! You're my owner! I knew it! I knew we were pals! Yeah, I mean, there's no pictures of me, but I see you've got a dog collar and a leash.
And look how big your doggie cage is.
You could fit a human in there.
Clearly, you're a good owner.
It's such a weird situation.
I-I just think somebody should be writing about it.
Yeah.
Do you do you think it should be me? S-Should I be the one writing about this? Uh, I don't know.
I-I think it should be me.
Then just do it, stop talking about it for God's sake.
Oh, hey, guys.
Well, we got it all figured out.
Turns out my name is Glenn Quagmire, and this is my dog.
Hey, you guys! Hey, I found my house.
Turns out my name's Joe Swanson, and I found this police uniform in my closet.
Do you know what that means? I'm a stripper! Well, it's good we found out who we all are, but we still haven't found out what the hell happened to everybody else.
Yeah, I've been thinking about that, and I think the best course of action is for us to just go ahead and start repopulating the Earth.
But there are no women.
Well, let's try some stuff.
Hey, you guys want to see something cool? There's a bedroom upstairs that belonged to some girl, and she's got bras in there, and the cups are different sizes.
L-Like one of them's a martini glass and the other one's some kinda melon.
Guys, you know how we were thinking that something must have caused this situation or someone? Yeah? Look at that.
Oh, my God.
It's him.
He did this.
What do we do? Check it out.
I got the little freak's bra.
I'm gonna put it on.
Huh, this actually fits pretty well.
Oh, wait, there's a name on it.
It's mine.
My God.
Peter is responsible for killing everyone on Earth.
But how could a guy like that cause all this destruction? Well, he's clearly not just a guy.
He's some kind of omnipotent alien, with powers we can only guess at.
Look at him-- watching, learning absorbing.
This janitor's in love with this redheaded ashtray.
But why didn't he kill us? I don't know, maybe maybe he needs us.
Maybe we're important.
I mean, I do have all these profound ideas and thoughts.
Maybe I was a deep thinker of some kind.
Deep thinker? I spent the whole morning trying to teach you one simple thing.
Give me paw.
Paw? Good.
Other paw.
No.
Other paw.
No! We practiced this! You're gonna make me look bad in front of the other guys.
Other paw! Finally! You know, this actually reminds me of a quote by Milton Shut the up.
Well, what are we gonna do? What are we gonna do about what? Oh, about the The, uh, th-th-the pie! The pie we're all gonna make for you for being such a great guy.
Aw, my God, that sounds awesome.
I would kill everyone in the world and leave three survivors for a piece of pie right now.
Guys, really, what are we gonna do? Well, it seems obvious.
We gotta find a way to kill him before he kills us.
Kill him? How about we just get the hell out of here? Are you kidding me? He'd catch us.
If this guy's an alien, I bet he can fly.
He can probably hear us right now.
He's probably got a laser beam that can shoot us through the walls.
He can't hit us if we keep moving! Can you Can you not Can you I just took a bunch of random stuff I found in my medicine cabinet, and you're really freaking me out right now.
Okay, maybe he doesn't have a laser.
But listen, if we're gonna kill him, we gotta find some guns.
Okay, well, let's go.
Not all of us.
Somebody's gotta go over there and keep an eye on him, make sure he doesn't go anywhere.
Oh, come on.
Why me? 'Cause I'm your owner and I said so.
But I don't want to.
All right, then, you asked for it! What, what is that? I found it in my night table.
I thought it was a dog whistle, but now I'm thinking it's something you jam in your urethra to make you last longer.
Man, I wonder if I'm one of those secret assassins who doesn't even know it, but I'm a highly trained killing machine.
Well, I could test that by attacking you.
If you repel my attack, maybe that means you're a secret assassin.
Good idea.
I don't, I don't think I'm a secret assassin.
Hey, uh knock, knock, a-anybody home? Oh, hey, buddy.
Come on in, I could use some company.
Um, okay.
Hey, I know we're the only people on Earth and all, but what's with all these Mexicans coming here to steal our jobs? Hey, what are you doin' down there? Come on, sit up on the couch with me.
Are you sure? Mr.
Quagmire says dogs aren't allowed on the furniture.
I don't care about that stuff.
Besides, you look like you got a clean bum.
It is pretty clean.
I just cleaned it.
Ha.
Bums are funny.
They are kinda funny.
We all got one.
We all got one! I was just gonna say that! Isn't-isn't that weird? Everybody's got a bum! Mine's even got a secret compartment in it where you can store stuff.
Hey, you want a pretzel? I'm okay.
You know, you ever think if we could all just spend more time celebrating our similarities instead of just standing on our differences, the universe would be a much better place? Not really.
But that bum thing, you're-you're on to something there.
Y-You're, uh you're some kind of deep thinker, aren't you? Where you goin'? I-I think your your pie might be about ready.
Hey, we're gonna share that pie, buddy, 'cause, you know, there's no "I" in "pie.
" Except for the "I.
" But enough about numbers.
You go.
So, we ready to do this? You guys, I'm not sure that Peter's the guy we think he is.
He seems harmless and actually kinda nice.
Oh, my God.
You slept with him! What? No, no.
We were just watching TV, but listen, you've got to believe me, he's not capable of hurting anyone.
Clearly he's controlling your mind with his superior alien brain.
Ah, don't let 'em get you down, Paul Blart.
Your life has dignity.
And comedy! Oh, heavens! Look, there's pretty solid evidence that this guy is responsible for the elimination of the entire human race, and we need to take him out.
Okay, okay, you're right.
But he trusts me, so you guys wait here, and I'll go lure him out.
I have a lot of dirty stuff in my house.
Wait, what the hell's he doing? He's supposed to be luring Peter out here.
He's not doing anything like that.
He's warning him! They think I'm an alien?! Yes, and you have to get out of here right away! But you're-you're Quagmire's dog.
Why would you be helping me instead of him? Because I-I don't I don't know why.
I-I can't explain it.
I-I just I feel like you're my friend.
You wouldn't understand.
No, I think I kinda do.
Come on, buddy.
Let's go! I knew I couldn't trust you, you filthy mongrel.
Guys, he didn't do it, I swear.
Get out of the way, dog.
Please! I didn't do anything! When you've been a stripper as long as I have, you know when you've met a bad egg.
And you're a bad egg.
No! You bastards! What the hell What's going on? Stewie? Well, Brian, you proved me wrong.
What the hell are you talking about? What, what is all this? You see, Brian, I conducted a little experiment.
Remember our little argument about whether you and Peter were actually friends? Well, I wanted to prove to you that I was right, that your friendship was purely a result of circumstance.
So I created a scenario in which everyone's memories were erased, to demonstrate that you and Peter would never naturally associate with one another.
But I was wrong.
It appears you two have a genuine bond after all.
Wow.
So we really were meant to be friends.
I guess you were, yes.
So, are they gonna remember any of this? No, I'll wipe out their whole day.
It'll be like it never happened.
Wow.
Hey, what's going on over there? Oh, I wanted to see how three women would react in the same situation.
Stop it! Ow! Ow! Let go! Let go! They've only been in there for three minutes.
Haven't even tried to figure out each other's names yet.